Another online daing journal

[reinventmyself]

I don't think he encourages it at all. But at the same time, I don't think he discourages it either.

 

I've been ok with their friendship up to this point, but that just felt a little disrespectful and awkward.

 

I couldn't have a conversation with him about it with his son sitting there and my typical style is to process things a little bit

anyway and then have a thoughtful conversation with someone instead.

 

The first thing that comes to my mind and out of my mouth isn't always the best :)

[reinventmyself]

reinvent, I have a question.

 

Are you viewing this situation as a reason (justification) to bolt?

 

Your reaction now (calm, cool, collected) seems odd, almost as if you're numb or something.

 

Please talk to him.

 

 

Funny you say that.

I am often asked how I stay so calm in challenging situations. (just today matteroffact) It's hard to be objective about oneself and I clearly don't see myself that way.

If you could only see what's going on in my head. . lol

Apparently it doesn't show on the outside.

[reinventmyself]

reinvent, I have a question.

 

Are you viewing this situation as a reason (justification) to bolt?

 

.

And . . if it's just a reason to bolt, wouldn't that discredit how I might be feeling? As if it's not warranted?

[Jibralta]

I didn't say anything about it. From what SL has told me, she's quite the drinker and maybe she had too much to drink, being super bowl Sunday and all?

 

Speaking for myself, I would not like the lax boundaries, and I would especially dislike that he shifted the blame to her being 'kookie' or 'a drinker,' or 'young.'

 

When I first started dating my current boyfriend, there were a couple of other girls in the picture. One was an ex that he had a friendship with, and the other was somebody he was dating when he and I started talking. He stopped seeing that girl, but thought that they could be friends. In the very early stages of our relationship, I didn't care. But as our relationship progressed and became more serious, my feelings changed and I had to talk to him about it and be clear about my feelings. I felt like these women were crossing some important lines. I didn't want to move forward in the relationship unless he could firm up that boundary. It was a rough couple of weeks. We had to have a couple of conversations and he had to figure out what he wanted. It was literally a test of our relationship.

[Batya33]

I am all for male-female friendships. This is ridiculously inappropriate and his staying out there as long as he did gives her the wrong message and impression. Obviously he can't control that she jumped into his arms but he could have handled the situation far more appropriately afterwards. Not a scene but simply physically and otherwise held her at arms length and made it clear that what she did made him feel uncomfortable or awkward.

 

Many years ago my husband -then boyfriend -were at a party and my friend B showed up. They'd all met before. B was kind of socially awkward but a nice guy. But my boyfriend felt B was far too handy with me -he kept like play fighting with me and finding excuses to get in my physical space. To me he was just being B - kind of loud/boisterous -and I thought nothing of it but the point was my boyfriend didn't like it (and my boyfriend's best friend was there and noticed it tool). Looking back, yes, it was probably too much and getting disrespectful to do that in front of my boyfriend. I was clueless until after. Maybe S was clueless too but that kind of "welcome home" should be reserved for a close family member or family friend or like that - not a a young female neighbor. Ugh.

[reinventmyself]

I will say something. Navigating this will be interesting. It's not like he can avoid her. By proximity they are practically roommates.

[Batya33]

I will say something. Navigating this will be interesting. It's not like he can avoid her. By proximity they are practically roommates.

 

But they are not. They have separate places. Separate doors with separate locks. He need not avoid her but he can keep his physical and personal distance now that she's overstepped.

[reinventmyself]

Thank you Batya for putting words to my feelings.

There was no stopping her, but staying out there engaging her for as long as he did does not discourage her

[Batya33]

Thank you Batya for putting words to my feelings.

There was no stopping her, but staying out there engaging her for as long as he did not discourage her

 

Right. It's not an episode of Friends. I absolutely do not think he is into her. I do not think he intends to hook up with her or even close. I do think she is unstable and she easily could create some scenario in her pretty millenial head that he is into her. She also has that damsel in distress element.

[reinventmyself]

I think where I am tripping is I have recently been on the other side of this. Where my last relationship challenged all my male friendships.

Unfounded reasons because I didn't cross any lines and nor did they.

 

I have a touch of anxiety finding the words to talk about this.

I get that this is a different scenario and a different man, but I am somewhat in the opposite seat and I remember clearly how uncomfortable it felt.

For that matter it's one of the many issues that ruined that relationship.

 

I am thinking my opening question will be to ask if he 'felt at all uncomfortable with the fact that M pushed past T and I to squeal and jump in his arms?

 

(uhg)

[reinventmyself]

she's 43. He's 58.

[katrina1980]

she's 43. He's 58.

 

 

I am thinking my opening question will be to ask if he 'felt at all uncomfortable with the fact that M pushed past T and I to squeal and jump in his arms?

 

 

43? Okay that's weird. I thought from the way you explained it, she was 23.

 

Not telling you what to do, but if it were me I would tell him how uncomfortable it made ME feel? And why.

 

And then wait for him to respond.

 

Yes, he has poor boundaries (at least concerning this situation) but this should be more about your feelings, not his.

 

Once you've opened that door, explained how you felt, the rest (his feelings, his boundaries, your boundaries) will follow.

[Jibralta]

Not telling you what to do, but if it were me I would tell him how uncomfortable it made ME feel? And why.

 

And then wait for him to respond.

 

Yes, he has poor boundaries (at least concerning this situation) but this should be more about your feelings, not his.

 

Once you've opened that door, explained how you felt, the rest (his feelings, his boundaries, your boundaries) will follow.

 

Yes, communication. Scary, but important.

[itsallgrand]

I agree with Katrina and my initial impression is.. I wouldn't like it either... at the same time, it probably is nothing to worry about as far as anything other than what you are seeing going on.

 

I can't help but think of my aunt here. She lived alone in her house before her current partner moved in. One time when I was visiting her neighbour came over and visited and did some chores for her. When he left, she blatantly admitted she was extra friendly to him because he came in handy. I was grossed out by that, but its pretty common.

[Silverbirch]

I seriously doubt anything is going on. He sounds like he is easy-going guy. I would let it go.

[katrina1980]

I seriously doubt anything is going on. He sounds like he is easy-going guy. I would let it go.

 

"Let go" another woman jumping into his arms? And then him continuing to hang out with her after you (his girlfriend) went inside?

 

Really?

 

Wow, ok.

[Batya33]

43? Okay that's weird. I thought from the way you explained it, she was 23.

 

Not telling you what to do, but if it were me I would tell him how uncomfortable it made ME feel? And why.

 

And then wait for him to respond.

 

Yes, he has poor boundaries (at least concerning this situation) but this should be more about your feelings, not his.

 

Once you've opened that door, explained how you felt, the rest (his feelings, his boundaries, your boundaries) will follow.

 

Yes, I also thought she was a clueless millenial (no seriously I don't mean it that way but I thought she was much younger and just overly bubbly etc - 43 -she knows exactly what she was doing).

I would address it 100% straight up. "I felt uncomfortable when ___ jumped in your arms and then you stayed outside with her chatting for as long as you did. I felt disrespected and that you gave her the impression you were into her"

[reinventmyself]

So. . he's driving back from helping a friend. It's a 90 minute drive and he asked if I had time to chat.

 

I did what I said I would.

Prefaced it in a question: did you find it at all awkward or uncomfortable that M pretty much mowed both T and I down to jump into your arms squealing `I missed you!'

 

I chose to ask him to tell me how he felt first before I shared my experience. I think it lessoned the chance he'd feel put on the spot or defensive.

 

YES! he said and he added that she was really drunk and rambling on so he had a hard to time breaking away from her.

 

He went on reminding me that they've been friends, someone to talk to and now he has me? (not the smartest defense, but ok)

I countered back that I encourage him to keep his friends but to please aware of the line between being appropriate and inappropriate with opposite sex friends.

 

He agreed. The conversation was somewhat uneventful. Things with him typically are because he's easy to approach and not even remotely defensive.

We moved on to another subject, but he did bring it back and thanked me for bringing it up and not letting it just stew and bother me.

He says it a quality he appreciates.

 

There wasn't a need for a heavy handed delivery or further discussion. I have to trust that he got the message.

Let's just hope this planted the seed and we don't revisit this again.

 

Thx for everyone's input :)

[itsallgrand]

That's brilliant. Love it. I think you have a keeper there!

[katrina1980]

That's brilliant. Love it. I think you have a keeper there!

 

Agree!!!

 

And especially your response:

 

>>I countered back that I encourage him to keep his friends but to please aware of the line between being appropriate and inappropriate with opposite sex friends.

 

If you don't mind if I ever find myself in a situation like you just experienced, gonna steal that line from you!! Sheer perfection.

[Jibralta]

Glad it was easy to discuss!

[katrina1980]

Hi reinvent, while walking home from drinks with a gf tonight, I got to thinking more about what you said earlier about SL dating a woman 15 years younger and what that might say about him.

 

Not sure if that was all that concerned you but, in any event, allow me share my thoughts.

 

I really admire how you handled things today. I will admit it is not how I would have handled it, but will get into that later in this post.

 

I have no doubt SL appreciated how calmly and maturely you approached him with this too. You are clearly very much in control of your own emotions and reactions; not sure if this comes with age, wisdom, experience perhaps all three, but again I very much admire you for it.

 

Now me? I am 20 years younger (a younger woman) and I can tell you in all honesty I would not have been as calm and cool as you. Hardly!

 

Knowing myself and how emotional I can be, imagining myself in this same scenario, I would have gone inside, gotten my things and left! And left them to it. Imagining the worst.

 

Not proud of that, and I am working on being less reactionary, but hell another woman jumping into my boyfriend's arms screaming I missed you?

 

No that is not something I could ever remain cool and calm about. Not at this point in time anyway. Just being honest.

 

No doubt this would have caused major drama, which he would NOT have appreciated and perhaps even turned him off.

 

So, my point is this is precisely why 58 year old men don't always wish to date "younger" women.

 

We are emotional. We are reactionary. We can cause unnecessary drama. In short sometimes we can be a real pain in the a$$! lol

 

We don't mean to, but we still have a ways to go before getting to place wherein we can become less emotional and reactionary in the moment.

 

I would assume again this comes with age, wisdom and more experience; I don't know, but sure looking forward to getting there, cause I hate being so reactionary. Hate hate hate it.

 

reinvent, you are a gem and so is SL. I am glad you found each other!

 

I don't think you ever have to worry or be concerned about him going anywhere other than where he is right now, with you.

[katrina1980]

^Apologies guys, I had a few drinks before writing that, so if it sounds like a bit of a ramble, that's why. lol

 

I meant well.

[reinventmyself]

Now me? I am 20 years younger (a younger woman) and I can tell you in all honesty I would not have been as calm and cool as you. Hardly!

 

Knowing myself and how emotional I can be, imagining myself in this same scenario, I would have gone inside, gotten my things and left! And left them to it. Imagining the worst.

 

Not proud of that, and I am working on being less reactionary, but hell another woman jumping into my boyfriend's arms screaming I missed you?

 

No that is not something I could ever remain cool and calm about. Not at this point in time anyway. Just being honest.

 

No doubt this would have caused major drama, which he would NOT have appreciated and perhaps even turned him off.

 

.

 

If you are comparing our situations, yours with the woman in the kitchen and mine -

 

You were caught off guard by the presence and the provocative comment made by a woman you didn't know.

I would have had the same reaction you did. I think you handled it maturely considering the circumstances.

 

In my situation, I've had several opportunities to watch M and SL interact and I didn't have any suspicions about them.

At the same time I have been fooled before, so it was buried somewhere deep on my radar.

I pretty much had a handle on what was going on, her being the instigator and the trust I have with SL.

So my reaction might not have been large as yours given the situation.

 

Nevertheless I chose to speak up so as to head off any further dramatic moments like this.

After all, SL and are I still learning things about each other and this was a good opportunity for me set the tone for expectations regarding this.

As well as gaging his reaction. It was a small but challenging moment I needed to experience with him approaching the 6 mo mark.

 

Yes, age, experience and maturity has taught me a few things. Honestly, when I was younger I might not have said anything.

Instead I would have stuffed it, let it stew and become insecure about it. I was also notorious for running away much like you did.

I still might have a little bit of a runner in me :)

 

A bit of difference for me, is the person on other end and how they filter things and receive them and how you two feed off of each other.

SL is just soo normal and reasonable. Sadly, I am not accustomed to reasonable or normal for that matter.

 

Had this been my last relationship, it would have been Defcon 9 and he would have threatened to end things because we had a 'disagreement'

Oh well. .that explains why we are no longer together, right?

 

All in all, thanks for the kind words :)

[katrina1980]

^Thanks reinvent, and yeah our respective situations were/are quite different.

 

Not sure why but was under the impression you had never met this girl before; you knew of her because you saw texts/photos coming in but had never met her or seen SL and her interact together.

 

So yeah they’re friends, which is cool. Re her jumping into his arms, well yeah a bit unsettling but you and SL discussed, and resolved which is fabulous. No drama, just a short brief discussion, and then it's over. Man how I envy that.

 

Re my own reactions to scenarios such as this, or other scenarios, since meeting and dating my bf (almost four months now) I’ve gone from “shutting down” (suffering in silence) when something troubles or hurts me (like I used to do in my other RLs) to “over-reacting” at least I think so anyway. I don't throw fits or go psycho or anything like that lol, but I do take things to heart and perhaps more seriously than they were meant to be, and I react.

 

I really need to find a balance a happy medium, working on it!

 

The good news is I am very self-aware so I’ll get there eventually, plus I have a very cool and understanding bf who gets me pretty well and is actually happy I am so open versus shutting down like I used to in prior RLs.

 

Some might say we even complement each other in that regard (i.e. I am very emotional and expressive and he's not).

 

He is definitely more of the "strong silent type" which is probably a good thing (opposites attracting and all that) but still trying to acclimate myself to his nature as it's quite different from what I have experienced in my previous RLs.