Another online daing journal

[Ms Darcy]

I used to be more open minded. Now I'm a grumpy old man.

 

LOL, that made me laugh!

[reinventmyself]

Such an off weekend.

Recognizing how many of my friends work on Saturdays and understandably don't feel like doing anything after they get off of work.

Add in the broken hearted who have hunkered down and are off the grid.

 

My best friend is back talking to her on and off sociopath guy. Aaargh.

 

Two of my friends are sick and one works today as well. I am seeing the pattern of everyone going out on weeknights and not doing much on weekends.

 

I guess I wasn't totally so aware of this having been in a relationship but weekends get long and lonely sometimes.

I will see a friend on Monday, Wed and Thurs this week. WTH! Work, including my commute makes for 11 hr days.

Socializing on weeknights is rough.

 

It's going to be in the 90's today and I'm not sure what to do with myself.

[reinventmyself]

Outside of a couple phone chats and visiting my mom I've spent the entire weekend alone.

 

As I sit here watching a movie and enjoying my dinner, I realize this time alone is far better than sharing it with a man who wasn't good for me or good to me.

 

It reached 100° today and I walked on the beach for two hours. My plan was to go to the (golf) driving range on my way home but while walking past the 'dog beach' portion of the strand, one dog made a B-line for me and as he went left, I went right and ended up ankle deep in the water, tennis shoes, socks and all. That combined with the heat killed the golf idea.

 

Not all weekends will be like this but it catches me off guard anyway.

 

It's been an opportunity to learn to 'date' myself again. Interesting that S pollutes my thoughts when I'm lonely. Begs the question if I miss him or the relationship.

 

With that it's time for a long cool bath soak and pj's. . .

[reinventmyself]

I wanted to come back and add that I had my annual physical Friday. I've had the same dr for over 25 yrs.

I have an autoimmune disease that effects my kidneys and thyroid among other things.

 

Years ago I would have been in his office several times a year for various things. Though I've always been strong physically speaking, my body seemed to hate me.

 

Here I am 25 or more years later with perfect kidney function, great general health and a glowing report.

 

If what I have is degenerative, what explains all the improvement over the years?

 

My hunch is my divorce.

My Dr agrees. He agrees there is a very possible correlation.

 

Now if I can just learn to side step the other knuckleheads that cross my path that I deem an appropriate or fitting partner (in the moment)

 

If that's not motivating, I don't know what else is.

[reinventmyself]

I met my girlfriend who is considering ending her 2nd marriage of 6 years. As much as it was good to see her I don't know if the visit was good for my frame of mind.

 

I knew some back story and I know they've been struggling. But to be on the other side of someone fighting for a marriage with a narcissistic man (diagnosed) who pretends to work but stays home all day watching porn, just to leave at 3 o'clock, just to come after his dinner is on the table.

She an executive assistant to a CEO and makes more money, not to mention provides the benefits. He an independent contractor selling life insurance. (supposedly)

She's quite the secret agent with spyware on their pc and his cell phone tracking feature activated.

He blames his porn addiction on her, she has 20k in credit card debit while his is 30K and he owes 110K in back taxes. Ack!

 

And she has fought to save this mess for a couple years now . .and why???

It all gives me anxiety.

[Fudgie]

I hate to say it but could she be sticking it out for financial reasons?

 

Putting myself in her shoes, let's see, good job, good benefits, bread winner etc, could be on the hook for spousal support in the event of a divorce, maybe lose good chunk of retirement.

 

If that's indeed a partial motive, well, sadly, I can't blame her. If I were older and the breadwinner, maybe I would rather live in such a situation than risk my financial security for the rest of my life in a costly divorce.

[reinventmyself]

I considered that but this guy is emotionally abusive.

If it were me I'd hand him the checkbook and leave.

[reinventmyself]

So, I coming to the conclusion that I may not date K any longer.

For a few reasons.

We had dinner last night and I paid close attention to the fact that I asked him questions about his trip and work and in return he doesn't reciprocate. Anything I share is purely volunteered.

 

I'm still stuck on the issue of inquiring about his dating history and he never inquired in return. Those moments are typically, I'll show you mine, you show me yours. Either he's clueless or not interested.

 

The continual Sunday night dates set me up to be plan B and after him not signing onto his dating profile, as of yesterday he is again.

 

I catch myself sneaking up on feeling insecure and I can see if I wasn't aware it might set me up to want the attention from someone I'm not even sure is right for me. I can see how this sort of dynamic set me up to allow me choose inappropriate men.

 

My therapist asked about the dating history K shared. Both scenarios suggested his own unavailability. It all makes sense.

 

That and he drinks too much for me.

I can expect an invitation for this weekend. (I'll think!) If its Saturday I'll accept and figure out a way to tell him in person. If its Sunday, I'll decline.

 

I think it was Mrs Darcy who said once that while dating we need to think about our choices critically and not romantically.

[reinventmyself]

K's asking to see me this weekend and hasn't specified a day.

I haven't responded and I'm sitting here second guessing myself.

Am I just being a chicken and pulling a preemptive strike?

If he wasn't interested he wouldn't be contacting me daily and seeing me twice a week.

 

I'm just feeling starting to feel vulnerable.

[faraday]

He doesn't ask questions about you. Who cares whether he likes you? Find someone that's interested in learning about you, not just having a date a few times a week.

[faraday]

Like I don't get it. You know that not listening to your gut in the beginning is an issue for you...the issues you see in the beginning turn up later in the relationship as dealbreakers...yet...you're debating this?

 

It should be easy in the beginning!

[reinventmyself]

Aaargh. I responded with 'I'm available on Saturday' And he responded right back with plans.

 

I see my friends tonight. Thursday night is typical girls happy hour.

 

Saturday 6 of my friends are riding bikes/lunch/shenanigans and I'm regretting what I thought was my clever move with K.

 

I go into everything with trepidation. This is nothing new.

If I bailed everytime my gut told me to I'd never get out the door.

It's like a riddle I can't unravel at times.

[WithLove]

D, just end it. You aren't ready for a relationship, anyway, and he's jerking you around along with other options. He's not what you're looking for right now.

[Larkin]

Saturday 6 of my friends are riding bikes/lunch/shenanigans...

 

That sounds like more fun than probably anything K has planned. Can I go in your place?? lol

[reinventmyself]

D, just end it., and he's jerking you around along with other options.

 

As I take in the feedback and try to sort this out I do want to address the comment about him jerking me around.

This is man I dated a few years back that I bailed on without an explanation.

He showed up at a weird time in my life and is casually dating others.

 

He's been nothing but kind and generous to me even though I have cancelled on him at the last minute and turned down invitations.

If you look at it from his side, I have not given him much reason to trust that I am going stick around.

For that matter he hasn't logged into his account since he got back from his trip.

 

In any event, the jury is out.

Am I ready for this? . . not at this very moment. Two months of dates and it's not going anywhere fast.

No, I don't care that he doesn't inquire about me but he does listen when I volunteer and he does remember things I do tell him.

It doesn't make him a bad guy.

He may not be guy for me though. But he is a decent guy.

 

That's all I have right now.

 

And yes Larkin, if you have bike, come on down. You'd fit in nicely

[reinventmyself]

Aaargh. I responded with 'I'm available on Saturday' And he responded right back with plans..

 

I can see how what I wrote is confusing.

He responded back for plans for - me

[faraday]

I'm invisible today!

 

*strips naked and dances*

[reinventmyself]

I'm invisible today!

 

*strips naked and dances*

 

was this for me?

>

I know you have family coming. Probably not a good day to be el'natural

[reinventmyself]

Not much to report. K was sick all weekend and I spoke to him last night and he's still super congested.

I will see him tomorrow night for our Wed night dinner. He's not logging onto his profile and I honestly can't get a

sense on this guy and I am still not sure how I feel, one way or another. I guess time will tell.

 

I spent most of the weekend with my friends and some time alone. I have to admit I am enjoying `my' time.

 

Tonight will be my last therapy session. At least for now. He's been so helpful and I know my work is never ending.

I'll see him again. Just not sure when.

 

I am at work with 3 projects pending. Two of them involve travel. I sit here and poke vendors all day and I can't for the life of me pin anyone of them down for a commitment. So my schedule is up in the air.

 

I came to one of our satellite offices for a millwork retrofit for conference room table and they didn't have proper insurance docs to get in the building. Even though I started an entire week ago trying to get all docs in order to do the work. So I came here for nothing. At least they have great shops in the area

 

I'm even trying to change my hair appointment so I can go out of town if needed and she hasn't gotten back to me.

 

So for now - I am '0 for 4'

 

It used to rattle me. But after 14 years I am pretty used to rolling with it.

[reinventmyself]

I had dinner with K last night. I had mentioned to my therapist that as much as I am enjoying that this is going slow I am now a little suspect on why it's going at the pace it is.

Somethin' is up. But having mulled it about, I have gotten feedback from men that I am remote even when I think I am all in. I can't imagine the vibe I give out right now seeing I am hesitant. I may have met my match.

 

He asked me out for Saturday but I have a friends birthday dinner to go to. Funny how he seemed taken back and we agreed to Sunday instead. We'll be going to the national car show in our area. I am pretty excited seeing I have to buy a new car in the next month. I own a dubious VW diesel that's being bought back due to the scandal. It's only 2 years old and they are giving almost what I paid for it.

 

K is in the car business so he's a good friend to have right now. He can hopefully help me get the best possible price seeing he is a national finance trainer in the auto biz. I am constantly obsessing about my next car and he just smiles and doesn't try to sway me one way or another. I asked him if he was sure he did not mind the car show, after all that would be like him inviting me to go look at office furniture for a day date.

 

I like him. I don't have romantic feelings for him. I think under other circumstances I could. It's not him. It's me. I don't think I am capable of having romantic feelings for anyone right now.

I still haven't gone a day with out thinking about S. It was 3 mo's yesterday since the last time I saw his face.

 

That coupled with this gut feeling like K is some sort of bad man. He needs to prove to me he's not going to exercise some of his BS out on me like most men have in my life before I give him a chance.

 

I saw my therapist for the last time, Tues. His recommendation was to be bold and ask questions. I have nothing to lose at this time, so why not.

[reinventmyself]

I'm on the train South for work today. This trip is waaay overdue because I didn't have it me to get on the same train that would take me to see S.

This time last month I might I have cried all the way, but not today. I resist going there and have fortitude to do so at the point.

There was a time I might have felt tempted to ask him to meet me. But not now.

Still sad nevertheless but very managable.

It's a beautiful day. I took at later train and an booked anearlier one home. Short turn around.

 

I had a nice date w K yesterday. We spent half the day at the car show and I am no where near decidingon a car! Maybe more confused.

 

From there we had lunch by the beach and went back to his house to watch football and the embarrassing presential debate.

K ordered Thai food and got me home by 8.

I can't begin to say how much I enjoy dating someone that lives 2 blocks away.

Between LDRs I forgot what it was like.

M didn't live far but w traffic it was an easy 40 mins.

I was hard pressed to ask K questions, at least that was the plan, but as the day went on it just didn't seem necessary. I doubt he's dating others and he's no longer active on line.

Until which time we are getting near being intimate things are fine the way they are.

Finally, after 2 months in we made out!

He had kissed me passionately good bye maybe 3 times before, but that was it. Left me supercurious.

I put alot of value in a good kiss and I must say he didn't disappointment. With that I said I better go home . . now(:

[reinventmyself]

I meant I wasn't disappointed. .

[WithLove]

I feel like.... I am happy that you seem happier..... but I don't think it's right for this man, who seems to be drawing closer to you and you're starting to share intimate things with. You're still unhealed from S.... and starting something with someone else isn't the way to get over that hurt.

 

 

[reinventmyself]

Maybe, maybe not.

3mos out of an 8 mo relationship I don't see myself as very fragile.

I am cosciously aware of what I'm doing and I'm navigating this as I go.

I'm not attached on any way.

I think I'll always have some level of disappointment about S.

For that matter I can look back at each experience with a certain level of disappointment

I believe in taking a break and healing but at the same time I don't think for most there is that defining moment when someone says they are 100% over the ending of a meaningful relationship.

If I was really looking to rebound I would have pushed the issue w K 2 1/2 mos ago.

One day at a time

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think it's right for this man, who seems to be drawing closer to you and you're starting to share intimate things with. You're still unhealed from S.... and starting something with someone else isn't the way to get over that hurt.

 

I echo what WL and Faraday have said. I think men and women of every age have this problem - dating without some healing from being dumped. And in the end, one or both often get very hurt.