How much do common interests matter to you?

[notalady]

Hey all, just a general question, as per the title.

 

I know it should be down near the bottom of the list of things that matter in finding a partner, and not having a lot of common interests is probably not a big deal as long as the other more important aspects are there, but I'm just curious where does one draw the line?

 

I've been talking to different guys online, one of them for example actually said that while he enjoys going to restaurants, he is only really just enjoying the company and not the food, said he pretty much just eat because he has to. I feel quite turned off by that, I'm a big foodie, and love exploring restaurants, cafés and bars and find satisfaction from enjoying and appreciate good food and wine and coffee, part of that enjoyment comes from sharing it with the company you are with and talking about it etc. So that had significantly reduced my interest level in pursuing something with him (I'll probably still meet him just to give it a chance), but is it something that should matter?

 

What about if someone is overly into outdoor activities and sports when I'm not? What about someone with completely different taste in movies? I know these things probably shouldn't matter, but I keep feeling like if we're not going to enjoy or appreciate at least some of the same things, we're not going to enjoy each other's company or have enough in common? I guess I should still give them a chance just to stay open minded, but am I wrong to feel this way?

[jjkk]

I don't think you're wrong to feel that way, it's an important factor to consider. One thing that's fun for me about being w/ people w/ different interests is that I get to learn and experience new things.

 

I think overall it depends on how open minded both people are. For example, the guy who isn't really into food, maybe he'd actually end up enjoying your foodie discussions while eating and get into, too, he just hasn't experienced it or had the opportunity before. If you're open to playing or watching outdoor sports, then maybe you'll discover you enjoy them more than you thought, same things w/ movies.

 

If there's certain things that you already know are a huge NO for you and the other person is really into them, then that could put a damper on a good connection but if you're open to explore the activities, etc. it's a great opportunity for you to find new things to enjoy.

 

As far as drawing the line, I think that depends on how much you know you aren't into something they are and how much it plays a part in their life. For example, I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to date a huge adrenaline junkie who goes out all weekend and skydives and such because I'm terrified of heights and know I'd never do it. If, however, it's an occasional thing they enjoy, no big deal, it probably won't impact the relationship overall.

[faraday]

I don't think mutual interests matter at all. It's about sharing similar views on life.

 

However, I have heard that people who tend to really enjoy their food, and eat a bit messier, tend to be more sensual and "messier" in the bedroom as well. Not sure if it's true.

 

I do find that people that have that "holier than thou" thing going on with food tend to put me off...I love food. I love fancy dinners. I get cravings and obsess about food sometimes. It just...would feel like I'm with someone restrained...or like...they don't enjoy simple things.

 

On everything else though? Who cares if they read the same books as you...as long as they view marriage the same, you know?

[Batya33]

So for me thinking about common interests (as opposed to common values and goals -essential!) had to do with how it would impact my life. So, someone who was really into adventure travel- white water rafting, skiing, advanced hiking - and wanted to do that with all of his vacation time/free time probably wouldn't be for me although I'd be interested in hearing about it (just not interested in participating). Someone who was really into drinking and trying different bars or different craft beers/wines - putting aside whether it was an addiction (assume it's not) again that lifestyle wouldn't mesh with mine.

 

On the other hand I learned a great deal about certain technical aspects of stage productions from one of my long term boyfriends (and still find it interesting), and explored different cities/countries with others (I was interested to begin with but needed to travel with someone with superior knowledge to mine). My husband is somewhat of a trekkie and I am not - I probably should put more effort into watching the episodes he thinks I would like -but his interest in it is not a problem for us -if anything it's a positive.

 

So again it depends. I used to be a bigger foodie and now that I'm a mom of a 5 year old heck I'm lucky if I can eat an actual meal at a restaurant at a time when i feel awake enough to enjoy my food. So, interests certainly can change so I wouldn't assume that a foodie was going to stay that way or to that degree forever, for example.

[sleepingdonut]

I think a good relationship involves a blend of common interests and different interests. You need common ground to connect and you need differences for growth. It's definitely unrealistic to expect anyone to share all your interests.

[Seraphim]

Common interests absolutely matter to me. I don't want to be with somebody that I share absolutely nothing in common with.

[notalady]

Some very good perspectives here, thanks guys. I agree that interests do change (as seen, my own interests have changed quite significantly in the last ten years), and it's good to have some similar interests and some different ones, as long as you are open to trying new things.

 

I completely agree with jjkk and Batya, if someone is way into something and want to do it all the time and if it's not something I'm into, I wouldn't think we'll be that compatible. I have known couples that broke up where one of the contributing factors was that one person always want to go out and do stuff on the weekend and the other just wanted to stay at home, so they often ended up doing different things by themselves. All that being said, you are right, once you have kids, it's all different again!

 

Faraday, that's what I was thinking, if someone can't enjoy simple things like food, it's a bit weird. Though, my ex who had super sensitive taste buds and smell, did bring a different perspective to things - some people will enjoy food and drinks more or less than others because they are just built that way! So maybe this guy just has less taste buds haha..

[misssmithviii]

I think a good relationship involves a blend of common interests and different interests. You need common ground to connect and you need differences for growth. It's definitely unrealistic to expect anyone to share all your interests.

 

I agree with this completely. I have a lot in common with my bf, but most of the things we have in common are common likes and dislikes, tastes in movies and music. We don't actually have many 'doable' things in common or rather we have both ventured to do different things and have different sports interests. I'm into American football, he's into futbol (soccer). I can take a car engine apart and put it back together. He has no idea about cars but he's built an entire house, plumbing and electrical and all.

 

He'll watch football with me and root for my team, I'll endure soccer with him haha but it's fun because we just love being around each other.

 

Bottom line you'll find out that the more interested you are in the person, the more willing you are to venture into what they're interested in. Although I do believe some commonalities need to be present - having a ton of things in common isn't absolutely necessary in my opinion.

[Circe]

I think common interests are quite important actually .. My husband and I have many interests that are not in common but luckily they are the kind if interests one can pursue on ones own and we have our respective friends to chat about them with. Our common interests are great food, eating out and movies (we go to the cinemas practically every week) and it's doing stuff like that together that keeps us close so I think it's very important.

[1Love1]

a very important thing to consider is although you are very into being a foodie, it may not always be that important to you. Maybe it will, maybe it won't.You never know. People are always changing and evolving without us even trying to. For example, as a teen I was very into art and paintings. I thought they were amazing and I absolutely loved learning about it and making my own paintings. I even wanted to be an art curator. A decade later? I think it's gotten dull and kind of boring. Very glad I didn't actually try to pursue that teenage dream.

 

Give him a chance. He may just be into something you don't know you even like yet. Then BAM! You share a great chemistry together. You'll never know how good you can be with someone until you give them a try, even if they don't care for something you really like. The possibilities for new interests that can be shared are endless

[1Love1]

It's like food. You could be a major sweet tooth whose always hated salty things. Then one day, this fry comes along. You think it won't be all that great at first because it's salty. But then you're pleasantly surprised when you bite into this perfectly salted fry that is so much better than you thought it would be

[SooSad33]

I feel some common interests are important. Then you both have things to discuss, things you enjoy together etc.

If you had nothing in common for interests, it's possible it could cause a rift between you.

 

If one always likes to go out and the other always rather stay home, one may get bored or offended.

If one enjoys thrillers and horror movies and the other doesn't... what to do?

If one enjoys outings, restaurants, travelling etc. and the other would rather hang around home, do nothing, party with friends only... where do they meet up withing their interests, in order to be 'compatible'?

 

I feel there's got to be 'some' similar interests in common. So, at least some area's they can BOTH enjoy together.

As for your guy? Give it a shot. A couple dates won't mean he 'is' for you.. but try it once.

[notalady]

Yea I will give it a shot, I try to keep an open mind

 

I commonly find with a lot of profiles I come accross, all they talk about is how much they love physical activities, sports and/or traveling, as if that's what they are all about and they fill up their life with it. Sure I love traveling and enjoy physical activities occasionally, but not nearly as much to do it all the time. What's you guys take on people like that? Do you think they just focused on one aspect of their life to sound interesting or would you take it at face value and assume they are a sports nut and/or travel nut or whatever?

[ForeverFree81]

I think there should be a healthy balance between sharing the same interests and having your own hobbies/interests, etc. I do think it is essential that my boyfriend and I share the same views about important stuff, which we do. Common interests are important to me though. I was fortunate enough to watch this lesson play out in front of me with my friend and a guy she was seeing. She is a bigger girl, she is into horses and animals, she is a real country girl. The guy she was seeing was the polar opposite; gym junkie, loves clubbing and partying, hates being dirty, etc. They tried really hard; she went out clubbing and came home upset because she hated it, she hates his music and hates the gym, and he cried when her horse came belting up the paddock to say hello to them (there was no aggression, he was just excited that it was dinner time, but her man friend took it as a threat and lost it). They ended up breaking up because they had pretty much nothing in common. So in that respect, to me, common interests are important, but not as important as sharing common values.

[notalady]

Thank you for sharing that story, it's a good example of where to draw the line.

[missmarple]

I commonly find with a lot of profiles I come accross, all they talk about is how much they love physical activities, sports and/or traveling, as if that's what they are all about and they fill up their life with it. Sure I love traveling and enjoy physical activities occasionally, but not nearly as much to do it all the time. What's you guys take on people like that? Do you think they just focused on one aspect of their life to sound interesting or would you take it at face value and assume they are a sports nut and/or travel nut or whatever?

 

I take nothing at face value until I've talked to the person. Regarding that type of guys, I only avoid them if their profile is full of pics of their abs or them working out at a gym. If they look normal enough, I talk to them and ask how much they really are into sports/travelling/whatever.

[Batya33]

I had a first meet once with a former child actor who was obsessed with fitness. We met for coffee and sort of on purpose I ordered a biscotti and offered him some (of course he refused). At the time I was thin but not emaciated and worked out regularly. While I nibbled he explained to me how he had decreased his body fat percentage (he was quite thin). His body fat percentage (under 10 percent) was far greater than the chance of seeing him again (no I don't remember if he called).

[sophie274]

I think on "lifestyle" type interests, you have to be a pretty close match or you're going to be clashing. For example, social butterfly vs. homebody, health and fitness nut vs. your sedentary meat and potatoes person, city dweller vs. country lover, word traveler vs. hometown boy/girl, that sort of thing. Those sorts of differences are going to make it hard to share a life with someone - hard to agree on a social calendar once you're a committed couple, hard to share meals, hard to find a location that suits both, to agree on what to spend extra money on, how to spend vacation time ... I think both halves of a couple need to have a very similar overall vision of the life and lifestyle they want now and in the future.

 

On "hobbies", I think some overlap is fabulous, but more than that is not necessary. And by overlap, I mean enough common interest that your other half can understand your passion, talk about it with you to some extent, and occasionally dabble in it with you. If you have an all-consuming passion (if you're a chef, for example, and live eat and breathe food), as great as it could be to be with another chef who completely understands your passion, I think it could be even greater to be with someone who appreciates your food and understands how hard your work is and how important it is to you, but who can also introduce you to other things, and with whom you can talk about different things.

[Fudgie]

Common interests are extremely important to me. In a relationship, I feel companionship is the first and foremost most important thing. That's what drives me. I even prioritize it above sex. I'm not interested in child rearing and sex isn't the big cornerstone for me so what do I get most out of a relationship? Companionship. To me, that is what is going to keep my relationship going well into the old age because the way I see it, I'm not going to have kids, and there may come a time after menopause where I don't really want to have sex as much (if it all) and my partner and I will be much older and may have health issues and we'll both look very aged...so common interests will be important.

 

I don't need to have 100% in common with a partner or anything like that, but I need to be able to share some activities with a partner and if we partake in hobbies that the other enjoys, that I'd like to give them an honest try/try to have fun and hopefully he would do the same in return with my hobbies.

 

In terms of being a "foodie", OP. I don't think it's a big deal. It doesn't matter if he's a foodie or not as long as he'd be happy to join you going to a new restaurant. Sounds like if you were to end up with him, he'd go to please you and spend time with you, and would enjoy your company while you enjoy the food. That's not really a bad thing.

[faraday]

Maybe I'm weird. I've never shared common interests with really any of my partners, but by the end, we share tons.

 

Or could it depend on openness? I don't know? I love trying new things, and embrace other peoples passions...and my hobbies and interests are so extensive as a result of that, that I don't worry about him liking mine...because I know he'll connect with something that I do. It's just never been something I've thought about...ever.

 

This thread is giving me a complex lol

[SoulTaker]

Excellent question. A complex one since it can be interpreted many ways. For me, it's a matter of whether any of the common interests is a "must-have" that requires participation from my partner.

 

For example, I'm active in multiple sports, but I don't require my partner to play sports (most didn't). But I do need for them to stay in shape (must-have).

 

In your case, you like eating out. Is it a must-have for the person you're dating to be a foodie, or only enjoy eating out to be with you, or doesn't care for eating out? Three different scenarios.

[Fudgie]

Maybe I'm weird. I've never shared common interests with really any of my partners, but by the end, we share tons.

 

Or could it depend on openness? I don't know? I love trying new things, and embrace other peoples passions...and my hobbies and interests are so extensive as a result of that, that I don't worry about him liking mine...because I know he'll connect with something that I do. It's just never been something I've thought about...ever.

 

This thread is giving me a complex lol

 

I think everyone is a little different. For me, having common interests is a must and all of my partners had some in common with me. Not everything, but some.

 

I don't mind trying new things but the common interests part has allowed me to meet people in the first place. At the end of the day, my partner is like a best friend and would want to go to many different places/activities with me. In order for that to happen, there needs to be some common interests. I like guys who are very similar to myself. It gives us things to do and things to talk about. I truthfully have no idea what it's like to date a person "opposite" from me but I don't think I'd like it and thus I've never considered men who I feel are very different from me.

 

Not everyone is like that. Some would prefer to do their own thing and to have the other person do their own thing and then at the end of the day, they're together. There's nothing wrong with that.

 

I think SoulTaker's bit on "must have" common interests is a good idea. If you have a lifestyle or passion that is a huge part of your life, you may want to find a partner who can partake in that with you, at least to some degree. As SoulTaker said, the women he has dated aren't into sports like he is, but must be into physical fitness. Well, that's still a common interest because you can work out in the gym or go on runs together. She may not partake in the sports with you but she could help you train.

[notalady]

I completely agree with this, if it's a significant lifestyle type difference, it may be hard to work with. I like to try new things and fall somewhere in between for those lifestyle examples you gave, ideally someone similar to me would be good, it's ok if they are more into fitness or travel than me for example, but if they are open to share my lifestyle preferences (ie stay home to watch a movie instead of going hiking for example), and is happy to sometimes do the stuff they like on their own or with other people (e.g running, I hate running lol), if we can reach a common ground, that should be ok.

[notalady]

Excellent question. A complex one since it can be interpreted many ways. For me, it's a matter of whether any of the common interests is a "must-have" that requires participation from my partner.

 

For example, I'm active in multiple sports, but I don't require my partner to play sports (most didn't). But I do need for them to stay in shape (must-have).

 

In your case, you like eating out. Is it a must-have for the person you're dating to be a foodie, or only enjoy eating out to be with you, or doesn't care for eating out? Three different scenarios.

 

I'll have to have a think about my "must haves". In the scenarios you mentioned, I think I just really like food in general, not necessarily eating in a restaurant, but just eating good food makes me happy (e.g. My dad cooked a nice meal last night and I just felt so happy eating it, if I had a tail, it'd be wagging lol). I guess people who really like food will also tend to venture out more and try different places. What concerned me was that this guy said he doesn't enjoy food, he just eats them, I've never met anyone like that before so I'm not sure if it will bother me in person (guess we'll find out!), it just seems odd to me. I think it would if I was to cook, knowing that he wouldn't appreciate the food. Luckily I'm not that into cooking, so maybe it won't be a problem. I think it would be acceptable if he is open to going to different restaurants with me, even if he doesn't fully appreciate the food.

[happpybear]

Maybe I'm weird. I've never shared common interests with really any of my partners, but by the end, we share tons.

 

Or could it depend on openness? I don't know? I love trying new things, and embrace other peoples passions...and my hobbies and interests are so extensive as a result of that, that I don't worry about him liking mine...because I know he'll connect with something that I do. It's just never been something I've thought about...ever.

 

This thread is giving me a complex lol

 

Nah you're not weird I'm a lot like you I think, I'm pretty open to my partner having totally different interests, and I have never been with a guy that shared many of my common interests.

 

What I do care about is more lifestyle compatibility and openness:

 

How extroverted he is (i'm pretty introverted, I would not be compatible with a guy on the other end of the spectrum). This is important because many of my interests are solo hobbies and I am more of a home-body, so he has to be willing to give me my space to do these solo things.

 

How open-minded he is to trying new things--and trying out my hobbies--if he is totally unwilling to check out live music or a museum exhibit from time-to time, or taste the cool stuff I bake, or if he mocks my hobbies, then forget it. He has to be willing to at least appreciate the things that make me happy and join me from time to time (though not necessarily all the time). I am super open-minded and will try many things even if a suck at them (like most sports).

 

Also, he has to not be obsessed with any of his hobbies or expect that I will join him ALL the time. For example, if he is obsessed with golf and spends every weekend at the course and is unwilling to compromise, or expects me to join him every weekend golfing then forget it, not gonna work.