My Day to Day Effort to Win Her Back.

[Leges39]

Kate,

 

At this particular moment, she can have sparks coming out of her butt on a dark night in the middle of a desert and it would not shake me. I even had a dream last night, first with her in it in a while, and the relationship sense that I got (my dreams are very emotional) was very very distant and cold and even uncaring……so subconsciously I must have that in my head, which is fine with me….It would take an incredible amount of coaxing on her part to make me think differently because I would not want to open of the spiket of love, attention, and money again not knowing whether or not it was going down the toilet.

 

And your right that she isn’t necessarily a bad person and I could spend all day telling you why she is a great catch, but I don’t want to dwell on that anymore….but she always said she was confused, so that will have to be her scapegoat at the moment……she just lead me on for too long with her excuses….even when she told me it was over, I was riding on the idea that school was the number one problem as she stated from day one….now if she said back in october or December that she is not into me and that is why it has to end, then I would of disappeared long ago and started healing properly….now I just feel lead on and taken advantage of.

 

My problem right now is that I am meeting much younger girls….one wants to date me and she is only 21…..do I want to get into another one of those relationships where I fall in love and she changes at 25?

 

 

Ocean,

 

It is when you learn that they have been dishonest for their own benefit that takes away the hurt and replaces it with anger. You are with someone planning you wedding and giving all you can and sharing all secrets, and then the boot in the face of dishonesty. I have been literally kicked in the face with a boot in the past and I am not sure which was worse…at least I saw the first boot coming.

 

I am not sure how you can hold on, especially when they are dating someone new…..it would be so over with me….if my ex ever calls me and asks for something…I will tell her to ask her friends or her friend she was with at the bar that night…don’t ask me…I have no future with you…

 

Man, I am moving on and no longer giving her the satisfaction….”f” her!

[Mun]

cpxsim,

I am glad that you have finally resolved to move on. I would invite you to read over this thread from the beginning because I believe with each relationship that fails we learn something new about ourselves : don't let this knowledge go to waste.

 

From the beginning you were offered very helpful advice on how to deal with the break ( or break up) and many times you chose to ignore that advice, perhaps hoping that since you knew her better you could see something we didn't. I understand this, many of us do the same exact thing.

 

I honestly believe that had you resolved to treat this as a break up (as was suggested ) started NC and stuck with it ( Not be at her beck and call) things might have turned out different.

 

Why? Because it was apparent to me that she was confused, maybe felt you were too "giving" when she was not as giving to you. She might have interpreted your constant attention as weakness-- you were delivering groceries and going out of your way for her--when she wanted SPACE.

 

She may have known she was not deserving of your devotion ( she's a smart woman after all) at that time, and wondered why you still stuck around--maybe secretly hoping you would get angry (indignant/proud) enough to walk away--and you would at that point be the man she used to know--and her attraction for you would re-ignite.

 

I do want to caution you about speaking so ill of your ex. She was someone you loved and you adored her for a reason. I don't think she is a bad person, but this was a difficult situation for both. I don't necessarily think she led you on or lied to you to keep you around, there were times she resisted your attention. Perhaps she held on hoping things would change and her feelings would come back.

 

I wish you the best of luck and like some others I too wonder if she might in fact give you a ring once she realizes that you are no longer waiting on her... and that she does not have that unconditional hold on you she has had these past months.

 

Hold your head high and value yourself ( I know I tell everyone this ) You're a man with a good heart and you should find happiness.

 

Love

[Leges39]

i know i shouldn't seem so angry or mean or ill willed toward her because i really do still love her. but, i still can't get over the fact that in all my good, i was just hurting myself....i could easily and probably still will feel remorse again soon, but being angry helps get over the hump.

 

also, i hope that you keep this post up for a while, because you never know, things may change and i still plan to keep up with every encounter....

 

besides, i plan on copying this post for myself too.

[Kashmir]

Wow. I just got done reading this whole, entire thread - you can imagine how long it took me. I came on here looking for some advice. My situation is very different, but I have many of the same feelings you have gone through. I appreciate you sharing your experience on here. You were always honest about your weaknesses & mistakes, even when you knew you were opening yourself up to criticism. I know how hard it is to listen to the whisper of reason when the irrational heart is screaming in your ear. Reading your posts made me feel like I was not alone, and, better than that, reading all the replies has given me the advice I was seeking. I have some thinking to do, but this has given me a great start on what direction I need to take. Thank you again for sharing.

[kate111]

I agree with everything that Muneca says.

 

But I also agree with you too Csxism. From your point of view you have every right to be angry. Your ex could have shown you respect by allowing you to move on if she didn't want you. She could have been less selfish to her own needs and given you the closure you deserved.

 

She kept that hope within you alive so that you would keep hanging on. I remember how you did no contact and she made contact with you. That gave you hope.

 

I'l let you in on something I have learned myself through experience. There are some people who take someone for granted when they have them but then they can't let that person go either. They have problems letting somebody move on even though they realise that person is not the person they want. I think my ex was like that. Perhaps your ex is like that too.

 

As for your thoughts about going out with someone young. Maybe you have a valid point there. A girl of 21 IS likely to be wanting less of a commitment than somebody older. Perhaps you should go out with someone your own age.

 

To Kasmir: hi hows it going? You seem like a cool person.

[Leges39]

Your welcome....sadly...

[h_b_k_02]

I agree. It is one thing to break someone's heart, and quite another to tell them to move on and yet keep the contact.

 

"I don't know what might happen in 6 months, 1 year". I've been thru this. I've cut my ex off on several occasions afetr she requested space, that she doesn't see a future between us now. But when I cut her off, to give her that space, she gets all panicky and starts worrying about losing me.

 

cpxism, the way I see it, if you are not good enough to be her man, she is not good enough to be your friend. Don't 'settle' for anything less than you are deserving of because in the end, if we continue to bow to their every needs, they will always string us along.

 

I got into a huge fight with my ex the other day. I had told her several times we could not be friends. She had started calling, and then I find out Monday she was trying to be my friend. So I once again had to cut her off.

 

I told her I had no choice. The girl I was seeing was heartbroken by a guy who went back to her ex, and so I didn't want to scare her away by telling her about you. She then gave me the guilt trip saying "I thought you would let time decide, not YOU decide". LMAO, I guess that means she did think she would have all the time in the world, since I told her my feelings won't go away, at least not while we still talked a lot (much like your situation cpx).

 

I'm glad to hear you have finally let her go. Now just go out and do whatever. I am telling you though, once you are basically at the point where you have met someone else, beware. Evil lurks, she will call back. I read an article before that explains that somehow the ex always knows when we are happy and that is when they try to come back to us. You know why? It is all about their ego. Once they realize we are happy without them, their ego pushes them back to us.

[RainaBabe]

"the ex always knows when we are happy and that is when they try to come back to us"

 

I totally agree with you, but let's look at it from another angle. Who DOESN'T want to be with someone who's happy? I've been dumped before for being too melodramatic and moody. When I'm happy I attract 'em like flies.

[h_b_k_02]

No, I know. What I was trying to point out was that they almost have a sixth sense over us. Like even if we cut contact, somehow they know when we are moving on and becoming happy again, and that is when they try to re-enter into our lives. I guess they just like throwing a wrench into our plans.

 

I'm starting to feel a lot better yet again, and it has been only 2 days again of NC. I am even contemplating calling the phone company and having her number blocked from calling my cell.

[Leges39]

I have been doing okay.....besides an affair with someone that is half my age and this new girl i just met and i like.....i got a ping in the gut today thinking about her with someone new....

 

but it is getting much better.....but would it be like this if i wasn't getting action at the time.

 

my ex's best friend and my friend...saw me out with the new girl last night...it may or may not get back to her how cute she is and how happy i was....if she calls, i am going to tell her to eat poop and die because she could have told me the truth long agon in august 2004 and i would have saved me and plenty of other people a lot of grief....

[h_b_k_02]

my ex's best friend and my friend...saw me out with the new girl last night...it may or may not get back to her how cute she is and how happy i was....if she calls, i am going to tell her to eat poop and die because she could have told me the truth long agon in august 2004 and i would have saved me and plenty of other people a lot of grief....

 

LMFAO.

 

I got a better idea than that.

 

Why not just not answer the phone at all?

 

It will attack her ego more, and make her hurt more, IMO, if you simply cut her off. Don't let her see any more that she hurt you, it will make her feel powerful. Instead, just leave it at the fact she found out you were with a nice looking girl and looked happy, that will make her eat poop and die LOL.

 

Trust me dude, that will make her feel much worse than any words you can say to her. Just cut her off and omit her from your life.

[simon_uk]

"the ex always knows when we are happy and that is when they try to come back to us"

 

yeah this is one of the first lines of dialogue in the movie 'Swingers'

 

"somehow they just know"

 

Awesome movie and so realistic

[h_b_k_02]

You know, I am 100% sure and convinced it is true.

 

I was starting to get so much better and she would call. However, the misunderstanding was she wanted to be friends, I thought it was for something else.

 

But I know I posted before that exes do come back more often than not. Well, you can add another person I know to that list. However, that didn't work out.

 

If the ex does come back, and you still see it possible, you both have to spend a lot, and I mean a lot, of time finding out if you really are prepared. Both people are likely to have changed, maybe to something the other person wanted, but it is much harder the second go. However, I believe that if the ex does come back and you still want to be with him/her, it is definitely worth every ounce of effort, and it should be the dumper who does most of the work.

[moonunit]

so...you believe that the dumper should do most of the work?

 

However, I believe that if the ex does come back and you still want to be with him/her, it is definitely worth every ounce of effort, and it should be the dumper who does most of the work.

 

what if you are the dumpee trying to get back with the dumper? do you believe that you should work a little bit as well?

[Leges39]

at this point, if the ex wanted back, she would have to do some major explaining to get my trust back.

[Leges39]

It has been 17 days since I spoke with the ex. 17 days since she finally told me that"I was more into her then she was into me." Funny thing, early in our relationship, when I would say "I love you" and she would tell me she loved me, I would say, "I love you more." She would give me a hard time for saying that….

 

I don't know why I have been thinking about her more lately….maybe because I am approaching the longest time period I have not spoken to her since before we met. I will have to say that the days seemed to go faster now then they did in the past when I was still really pining for her….those days were very long and full of pain……

 

Now when I think about her or something in my memory is triggered to bring her into my head, I immediately think about what she said and how I wasted so much of my life after the breakup trying to stay in her life, buying her things, taking care of her, and worst of all, thinking of her every day…..why didn't she just tell me from the beginning that she did not love me anymore? Why give a guy hope? Probably because she wanted to get out of the relationship as painlessly as possible (for her). This way she had me hoping and hanging on helping her, being there for her as she stepped out on her own….she never should have taken gifts or my time at a point, but then if I knew better, I should not have offered…..but at what point do you give up and at what point is giving up too early if you are still in love and feel there is a chance, no matter how small, that reconciliation is around the corner…

 

Now I don't see as many of her ghosts as I walk around the apartment we got together. I got my new pet, I am immersed in improve, I am dating other women, I am still in therapy, I spend lots of time with friends….i exercise three days a week…..i am even thinking about buying an old mustang from my sister…..

 

At the moment, my love life is kind of goofy….i am having a thing a girl who is 22 and i think she has a boyfriend…..i just met this girl who is 29 and that I like and will be spending more time with. When I first saw her, I was really happy with the way we looked at each other….she really likes me at this point and I like her, but what is holding me back….? Hell, I only spent one day with her, so I need to give it time….

 

Why can't I remember how I felt in the early days with my ex? Sure I was really into her and visa versa (she approached me and gave me the line "I really, really like you"). But there must have been days that I looked at her and thought, I wish she had a smaller bottom, or I wish this or that…thinking that she was not perfect…not as perfect as I think of her now…..it is almost like I can't give this new girl a chance because I feel like that last girlfriend was perfect….but she wasn't perfect. Does this make sense? Maybe it is too early for me to get 100% involved….who knows….

[kate111]

 

I'm glad to hear you have finally let her go. Now just go out and do whatever. I am telling you though, once you are basically at the point where you have met someone else, beware. Evil lurks, she will call back. I read an article before that explains that somehow the ex always knows when we are happy and that is when they try to come back to us. You know why? It is all about their ego. Once they realize we are happy without them, their ego pushes them back to us.

 

You seem to have your head screwed on right H-b_k_02. This theory rings very true in my opinion.

[kate111]

my ex's best friend and my friend...saw me out with the new girl last night...it may or may not get back to her how cute she is and how happy i was....if she calls, i am going to tell her to eat poop and die because she could have told me the truth long agon in august 2004 and i would have saved me and plenty of other people a lot of grief....

 

LMFAO.

 

I got a better idea than that.

 

Why not just not answer the phone at all?

 

It will attack her ego more, and make her hurt more, IMO, if you simply cut her off. Don't let her see any more that she hurt you, it will make her feel powerful. Instead, just leave it at the fact she found out you were with a nice looking girl and looked happy, that will make her eat poop and die LOL.

 

 

 

Trust me dude, that will make her feel much worse than any words you

can say to her. Just cut her off and omit her from your life.

 

I agree with this tactic 100%.

 

Trust me, don't give her the benefit of acting like you care. Just cut her off clean. This will give her time to reflect and try to figure out why for herself that you have decided to cut your ties with her.

[h_b_k_02]

Congrats cpxism, I had done 11 and it was broken. Well, time to reset the counter. The quicker you do it, the better chance we have to make ourselves happy and make them wonder why we don't call anymore.

 

If she calls for lunch next week, I'm not going, I'm not even going to answer the extension at work. Won't return her message. I am even lucky because I am actually getting a new desk at work and guess who won't be getting the new extension #?

 

Stay strong. You are never going to stop thinking about your ex, but I find that when I really, really have the urge to call her, I try to call my best friend or brother or cousin instead and just shoot the crap or listen to their problems instead.

[Agrajag]

She may have known she was not deserving of your devotion ( she's a smart woman after all) at that time, and wondered why you still stuck around--maybe secretly hoping you would get angry (indignant/proud) enough to walk away--and you would at that point be the man she used to know--and her attraction for you would re-ignite.

 

Ok, back the truck up for a second. can you explain that? My ex (recent, if you've read my threads) said to me, "You're way too good for me. You are such an amazing person I don't know why you could ever put up with me." Is there an underlying message here? Is she secretly hoping I would get angry?

 

So directly relating it to your post - How does that re-ignite passion?

[Mun]

Midknight, sometimes we know we are not giving enough to our partner for whatever reason, but yet they still hang around even when they know we are not being very good to them. We ask for space, to get our head on straight, and they just can't seem to get the message and leave us alone for awhile. Instead of attracting us with their constant attention, it seems to elicit pity because now we have them hanging around hoping we will throw them a bone...

 

I've been on both sides of this...it's not a good thing from either side .

 

If the person had just said... "you know what, get back to me when you are feeling better" and left...I would have had more respect for him. I would have dealt with whatever my issues were on my own and gone back to him when I was ready. His dignified attitude would have made me remember that he respects himself and I can't jerk him around...and maybe it would have re-ignited the passion that was fizzling( when I was feeling sorry for him).

 

From the other side I can tell you that it sucks to be told " you're too good for me, you deserve someone better" because I know what this means: They know they are not giving me enough and they feel bad that I'm still hanging around hoping for more..which seems to turn off the attraction even more.

 

I honestly haven't read your post yet, I'll do that. I don't know if she would secretly want you to get angry, but maybe expected you to be indignant and proud enough to walk away when she broke up?

[ragtop2003]

 

I'm glad to hear you have finally let her go. Now just go out and do whatever. I am telling you though, once you are basically at the point where you have met someone else, beware. Evil lurks, she will call back. I read an article before that explains that somehow the ex always knows when we are happy and that is when they try to come back to us. You know why? It is all about their ego. Once they realize we are happy without them, their ego pushes them back to us.

 

You seem to have your head screwed on right H-b_k_02. This theory rings very true in my opinion.

 

I agree 100% , when you are at their beck and call and/or needy, want them they'll have no desire for you. People need to realize that everyone is in love with their own self pride. People want to be with someone who makes them feel good about themselves, someone they can respect. When we act unhappy, sad, needy it makes us look like were nobody.

 

When you cut them off, don't call- don't take their calls it drives them nuts. It gets their mind off balance. It's true they have to truly feel like your happy without them and you have moved on, and they could lose.

[Leges39]

Do you know what has been bothering me lately about the ex? Besides the fact that I keep hearing about sightings and how good she looks? The fact that I helped her to get where she is professionally (into nursing school) and now she is going to have this awesome job, which makes her that much more attractive (I always saw her as a girlfriend with great potential)….every time I see a commercial or show for anything medical, I have to think about her…..it kills me….maybe it is because I am one week away from not seeing or talking to her for one month, the longest no contact….i don't want to contact her, I am just pissed that I am missing out on that…

 

Maybe that is exacerbated from the fact that I have met someone much younger then me and who needs to work their way into a good career yet….i am super attracted to them, but they need to work on their getting their future career together….grrrrrrr…..i love that show greys anatomy, but I think of her and I know she is watching it…(the ex that is).

[Mun]

I know you may not be ready for this yet, but do you think you could try dating someone who is already established in her career and wants to have a solid relationship?

[h_b_k_02]

Ah, well girls like that are hard to come by nowadays IMO.

 

20 years ago guys would want to play the field, girls would want to settle down.

 

Oh how times have changed.