My Day to Day Effort to Win Her Back.

[h_b_k_02]

CPX, it sounds as though you have (once again) hit the crossroads. This will be a huge night for you to show to yourself you can move on with your life.

 

I haven't spoken to my ex personally in a month. I spent 2 of my nights with another girl this past weekend (it was my birthday), and since I had held off on dating anyone for a year, I think I might be falling in love again, only this time the love feels so much stronger.

 

Hang in there, grab yourself a date if need be, but only if you are 100% certain you will be able to control your emotions. If you cannot and your date sees this, you will lose her.

[Leges39]

She wishes that she did love you more but she didn't (ie you can't make yourself love somebody, even if you know that they are a good person that you maybe "should" love).

 

funny thing that you write this kate.....she wrote in a paper for her school when we were together about how she finally met someone that all her family and friends liked because i was so good for her. she no longer had the true bad boy who treated her poorly.....

 

she wanted what everyone wanted for her, but it just did not work out.

[Leges39]

First, I learned that the ex found out about me dating this new girl, a close friend of my ex's best friend (see above) from the bride over last weekend or last week because the bride was all worried I was going to bring her to the wedding….which was never the case because the groom told me of the complications…..my friend (the ex's best friend) told me that the ex was a little shaken because she found out who I was dating from the bride and not the friend. (following?) so, the friend told me she told the ex who I was dating and thought she would be happy for me, but the ex's response was now you (the girl who is mutually our friend) are going to stop hanging around with me….i then explained my ex's longtime fear of losing friends….(friends, I think sometimes, are the reason she stayed with me so long…I had them and she didn't)…..

 

Then, the mutual friend shared with me that there was drama in the bride camp about me bringing anyone and that the invite did say for one and not a guest, so I decided to go it alone to the wedding…. The friend added that it is also difficult for the ex, this whole situation.

[fantasia2004]

Last question on this post and I have been quietly following so-so in a sense.

 

 

 

Do you really want this girl back in your life or do you really want to drive crazy until she she is removed from your cranium?

[kate111]

You are doing well.

 

It is good that your ex found out you are dating somebody. Bad luck for her. Use it or lose it girl. Some people do not have the gift of being able to appreciate somebody who is good to them, they take them for granted instead.

 

If the wedding seems like it is too much for you to handle, can you leave? Maybe you should create yourself an escape clause. I wouldn't stay too long if I was you.

 

You are a nice person who deserves somebody good for you. You will get over this. I think you are doing so well. It will get better.

[Leges39]

Do you really want this girl back in your life or do you really want to drive crazy until she she is removed from your cranium?

 

i don't want her back in my life....i don't know what she could do other than tell me that to convince me it would in our best interest or mine for that matter....i loved her so very much....and i do not think she gave it a second chance it deserved...especially if she loved me .. truly loved me as much as she led on for so long....we only had issues during the last three months.

[Leges39]

If the wedding seems like it is too much for you to handle, can you leave? Maybe you should create yourself an escape clause. I wouldn't stay too long if I was you.

 

i could always just get in my car and return to the hotel room....alone, because they are all going to know who i am dating and i would not want to take a chance of screwing that new relationship up.

[patience]

If a wedding was causing me this much stress, and might possible jeopardize a new relationship, I wouldn't go.

 

You seem to put other people's needs ahead of yours so often, why not put yourself first this time. You deserve to be happy.

 

The past is the past for a reason. Walk forward, one step at a time, but go forward!

[Leges39]

So, I am with a new girl and she is incredible in every sense. However, I think she broke up with me because the first two times (the only) we had sex, I lost my erection and could not finish the job. She said she was devastated and felt really bad.

 

She said it was for other reasons, but I feel this is the main reason.

 

Everything was going so good and we even had plans for a trip this weekend, now I am trying to save this relationship….she was just as happy as me I feel.

 

What can I do to not lose her and fix the situation?

 

I was actually hoping it would all work its self out (the sex thing) over the weekend…I was really looking forward to it…she said she is afraid now to have sex with me because of it

[PlayBrat]

Geeze CPX....

From your LONG LONG LONG history on this thread....maybe you shouldn't be concerned about trying to salvage a relationship with ANYONE...how about abstaining from relationships for a while?

Did you have problems with your ex in this department? It sounds to me

like it's a mental thing. Maybe a mental block? Maybe you're trying to force things before you're ready? Just a guess.

Just relax..let things unfold naturally.

[Leges39]

never had that problem with the ex. not even with rubbers.

[kate111]

Perhaps this new girl can SENSE that your heart is elsewhere. Perhaps the impotence episode is enough PROOF to her that her suspicions are well founded.

 

This is the most likely explanation to me.

 

Does she know about your ex? Im not saying you should tell her but perhaps she should have some inkling of what you are going through so that she knows it isn't her that is the problem.

 

You could say something like: that you have been with your ex and still quite hurt with what happened. Tell her you don't want your ex back. You could say that you are having problems trusting people now and that you need to take things slow. Tell her how much you like her and want to get to know her.

 

Then leave her some time to digest this information.

 

You will probably feel relieved that you have told her, and your erections may even come back.

[Leges39]

she is friends with the ex's best friend.

[PlayBrat]

Come ON CPX....

 

Why are you maintaining ties with your ex?? With millions of women in the world you're dating your ex'es best friend's friend???

I think you're a glutton.

[h_b_k_02]

I agree with Brat on this one.

 

The ties with your ex are still there. You have not cut them, you have simply shortened them up to not speaking with her.

 

I never date within the circle of friends. Big mistake. But don't do it twice and repeat the same problems again, because it will happen again. Get out there and meet someone that is exclusive of your friends, and when the timing is right introduce her to them, but always maintain a distance between your girlfriend and you friends. My girlfriend hung around me and my friends too much and now I realize that mistake which I had made, don't do this same thing.

[Leges39]

my email to her about it.

 

 

 

 

Her response:

[Leges39]

do i take the trip?

[asdf]

no, no, no. in fact, you cut off ties with her for now. she will wonder why you haven't contacted her, and wait till she gets back to you (could take a while, but the longer the better actually, it'll build up more tension). then when she does, act casual and friendly. don't directly say you've moved on, but when you talk to her, show her you've been keeping yourself busy. keep your e-mails relatively brief from now on. she will come towards you more.

[Mun]

If you really want this girl then take the trip. A long car ride is a good opportunity to talk...and sometimes you say things you wouldn't normally say during a regular date. Be honest, but be clear about the fact you want HER.

 

It looks to me like she needs this reassurance...especially if she thinks it's her fault--and you know it isn't. Talk about what happened, and then move the conversation to where you are flirting with her and playfully teasing...so she knows you are not just saying these things, but you are showing her you mean what you say. And just have fun together....make her laugh. Use the time to re-connect.

 

Good luck

[Leges39]

i am so torn on this one.....i do like her and everything was so good up to that night....i know this has something to do with it....

 

i called my doc, and i will have the little blue pill to get me through if necessary, but still am i spinning my wheels?

 

why should i bother with a girl that is ready to end it so quick....or is that okay because it is so early in the relationship that the connection is not quite there yet.....

 

part of me wants this to work and fight for it because it was so good and new, but the other tells me i am doing the same thing i did with the ex and that was to hold onto anything positive and fight to make it work...

 

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Leges39]

Well, I am going to go for it and go. I will be picking her up tonight. We talked and we both discussed our interest in going, but also our fear that we are taking a step back while there. She mentioned taking a step back since before we slept together, which to me was a lot of fun….but it may have been more fun then because at least you knew it was leading up to sex. She was even the first one to mention us having sex when we started dating about a month ago…I asked her if I still get to hold her hand and everything before the sex and she laughed and said yes….

 

Who know, maybe we just moved to fast and she needs to get comfortable again. I will know after this trip if this will continue as a relationship.

[Mun]

I don't necessarily think "taking a step back", or "slowing things down", means the relationship is over. It just means you want to delay the sexual part until you are both more involved emotionally. The best thing is to talk about it just like you are planning on doing so that you are both on the same page.

[NoMoreSunshine]

I'm still new to the whole break up and NC thing. My pain right now has paralyzed me to a breaking point at this moment...

 

I want to say thank you. I've read through this entire thread, whew, big read! But well worth it. You sound like an amazing person! And I have learned much from sharing your experience and what other folks have said here. Unfortunately right now my brain cannot reconcile with what my heart wants right now. So, it will get stored away for later use...

 

Keep going and stay strong. Keep taking care of you finally!! Thank you again for sharing so openly for those of us who have lost so much hope that life really does exist beyond this chasm in our souls.

 

*hugs*

[Leges39]

My pain right now has paralyzed me to a breaking point at this moment...

 

Unfortunately right now my brain cannot reconcile with what my heart wants right now.

 

Thank you again for sharing so openly for those of us who have lost so much hope that life really does exist beyond this chasm in our souls.

 

 

No more sunshine,

 

Your welcome. It is important, however, that I used writing here at enotalone and my journals and anywhere else to get it out of my system. I was too paralyzed and heart broken. I still miss her love dearly, but I learned with just this last girl I dated that I could get that love again and maybe even better. Sure it did not last with this past girl, but it certainly opened my eyes to others.

 

Update:

 

I went on the trip and just had a great time. We both did, doing couples things with her two friends at their home for the most part. When we returned, I knew it was over, so I just hugged her and whispered in her ear that I was sorry it did not work out and that it was an incredible ride. It was easier for me to do that with her than it was the ex and I am not sure if that was because it was only a month compared to three years or if it means I am begging to accept love and missed love for what it really is and not for how I expect it to be.

 

After I dropped her off, I met a new girl I had put off because I wanted to see what happened to her and I on the trip. The new girl and I spent 9 hours together and even went back to my place. She is a nurse and makes great money, is very attractive and so far enjoys spending time with me too. So, book III starts.

[Leges39]

This weekend I am attending a wedding of some close friends and the ex and I are standing up in it. We were together when the invites went out. She is standing up for the girl as a brides maid and I am an usher. We will have to attend the rehearsal, the wedding, the reception…..so much time in her presense after so long of not seeing her.

 

This whole thing is really starting to "f" with my head again. I really wish I was still at least dating this girl….it would have been ideal since the ex knows her. I could at least go to this wedding with my head up…..the ex will for sure know by the wedding that we are not seeing each other any more….grrr…

 

It has been 11 weeks since I started no contact with the ex. Seeing her happy and content at the wedding is going to kill me……if I could blow off the wedding, I would, but I am standing up for it and it is my friend who is getting married…she met them through me…..this is soooooo hard for me right now and I hate it! Blowing off the wedding would be ridiculous and show weakness for me and only make us both look bad…I would not want to do that….

 

I regret writing the letter to her now that told her I was hurt and that she should have told me what she wrote in her letter back when she first moved out. For some reason I see it as just a way to make her feel bad. I truly want to forgive her and thank her for being a good girlfriend when we were together in the good times…..she did so much for me then and I don't want it to be negative between us. She understands that it is more difficult for me then it is for her…she ended it basically, even though we both (or I even) said we should end it. She ended it by moving out…really….

 

I would so much like her to be in my life, but I tried and tried and she was open and helping me to be her friend, but I always took her interest in friendship with me as more than what it was…and that caused her pain…and me anxiety among other things……now, after so many attempts between us to be "friends" and my having to pull away because of my misunderstanding and hoping for something more, to tell her this would be basically a joke….now we are at the point that we don't talk anymore and we don't plan time together because I may have messed that up with my pushing and pulling and misunderstanding and hoping when she the whole time has been pretty even keel and trying to keep me in check from getting my hopes up…..also, the whole watching her date others in the future and me not being the most important person any more to her does nothing but play games with my head….so, basically being her friend is nearly impossible…..if we are in the same place socially, we just have to deal.

 

Like I must deal with this wedding…..i don't want any scenes. I don't want to become noticeably upset by being with her…she is so much better at it then I am. I will see her happy, looking great, maybe even looking at me, but I must do my best to treat her as just some girl that may be beautiful, but most definitely not available. I need to drink less at the wedding and just have a good time.

 

I plan on driving my 67 mustang, dressed well and looking good, and I want to show that I am happy with myself and CONFIDENT!!....if I am just myself and the social guy I usually am at these things, I will be okay….i can't let her being there or her dancing with someone for a slow song, get me down…..i can't…..i am a good dancer (swing) and will look good on the dance floor…

 

I am dating this new girl who happens to be a nurse at the hospital the ex is studying at...kind of weird, but just a coincidence. We have our second date Thursday…she is cute and has a great job….i hope it keeps working out….