Mun Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I really wish I was still at least dating this girl….it would have been ideal since the ex knows her. I could at least go to this wedding with my head up…..the ex will for sure know by the wedding that we are not seeing each other any more….. Maybe the girl sensed you were using her to get back at your ex and that's why she dumped you. It's not cool to do that to people. You should be with someone because you care about them, not to get back at someone else. I'm sorry to say that even though you have been out there dating and looking for other girls, you are still very much obsessing over your ex. At this point you should not be caring too much what she thinks or wants... it should be about what YOU want. I would caution you about getting into anymore relationships until you are healed. Doesn't sound like you will be able to make any of them work ( sexually or emotionally) until you have gone through a period of finding yourself again and letting go. Go to the wedding, look good and flirt with the girls, but leave early if you start to feel like talking to your ex more than you should. Be pleasant, but maintain your distance. You want to at least "look" like you have some self-control. Hopefully you will have it. PS No more letters, they don't do any good it seems and you will only look sad and pathetic ( you don't want that) Link to comment
Leges39 Posted June 28, 2005 Author Share Posted June 28, 2005 Maybe the girl sensed you were using her to get back at your ex and that's why she dumped you. It's not cool to do that to people. You should be with someone because you care about them, not to get back at someone else. thanks for the input muneca....but i really did like her and it was not to get back at my ex....she treated me much better than my ex and it was awsome to experience that the ex was not that perfect.... Link to comment
Mun Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 ...she treated me much better than my ex and it was awsome to experience that the ex was not that perfect.... Good, remember this next time you start wondering what your ex will be wearing, if you should call/write her, if she still wants to be friends, if she thinks about you... Instead of thinking of her-- focus on you. And remember she wasn't so perfect after all. Link to comment
kate111 Posted June 28, 2005 Share Posted June 28, 2005 I think you should keep away from girls which have a connection to her. You need to make a complete BREAK from this girl. Be happy, polite and distant with the ex. It is over, remember that. You need to create a life without her in it. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted June 30, 2005 Author Share Posted June 30, 2005 think you should keep away from girls which have a connection to her. You need to make a complete BREAK from this girl. Be happy, polite and distant with the ex. It is over, remember that. You need to create a life without her in it. nearly impossible unless she moves away and she will not be doing that. all of my friends are her friends, yet my friends first....and i am not about to pick up and move.....if i find a new girl in a circle of friends that has or would learn of my ex and me, i must learn to live with it........the nurse i am dating at the moment....has no connection... Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 5, 2005 Author Share Posted July 5, 2005 so i guess now that the wedding is over that we both went to taht was planned since before we broke up, i can think of it as a era that is over. over all the wedding was incredible. it was obvious that i was reflecting at times, but i did very well. it was difficult at times to watch her as beautiful as she looked that night and the night before, but i survived. lots of talks with people she knows that i don't get to talk with often that gave me a different perspective. i am hoping now that my writing here will slow as i go on knowing i will only see her by chance. it was hard, but i somehow got through it. thanks everyone. Link to comment
kate111 Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 Another piece of advice. Resist the temptation to talk to your friends in common about her. Write here if need be, but you need to make a total break. You need to forget she exists for awhile. Link to comment
NoMoreSunshine Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 Sounds like you did well this weekend! Congrats! Keep that up! Resist the temptation to talk to your friends in common about her. Write here if need be, but you need to make a total break. You need to forget she exists for awhile. That is really good advice, I needed to hear that as well. I did that for a few days and man, what a relief it was. of course she snuck back in during a conversation and here it goes again... But those days were freeing. Take care of you... always a good idea! Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 6, 2005 Author Share Posted July 6, 2005 i had one of those very vivid dreams last night. i was under a lot of stress for a test i did not study for, i was with the ex in my parents house, and she was pointing out some guy she said was the cutest when sleeping and i asked her why she isn't with him and she said, oh, he doesn't have time for dating... this sucky dream woke me up one hour early and of course i couldn't sleep after that.... a friend of mine (an ex from about six years ago) is moving from her boyfriend's apartment and although it is similar to my situation it is a bit different.....but still we talked at length about the situation and my helping her has simingly dug up some deep feelings in me again from when my ex moved out on me.... i know nothing is going to happen and i have accepted it is 100% over and i don't even have hope anymore.....but she weighs too heavily on my mind. just this weekend, i went to two 4th parties that she was also invited to...she could not go to either due to school and the fact that she took off time for the wedding, but it just goes to show you, i am not going to stop seeing her out and around unless i turn myself into a hermit and stop hanging with my friends (who are mutually hers).... Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 6, 2005 Author Share Posted July 6, 2005 so let me tell you about the girl (this week) crazy...... okay, lately i have been dating a ton of different girls. only one was worth a future, but she and i broke up after about three weeks....it felt good, but was not meant to be.....before her was the 22 year old, then after her a nurse that works at rush (she is nutty and weird, but nice body and cute) who i have not heard from since i ate something she thought was disgusting (she is a vegitarian and i ate this goose liver thing they stuck in front of me before she knew what it was, then ate hers)....had sex with them all. now, after the wedding, i meet this asian (korean) girl who is beautiful and fun.....we didn't talk much at the wedding, but most girls knew about the ex and i and stayed away....this girl i saw again at a deck party where all her cousins were also....i knew them through the guy and girl that just got married. very attractive asian family....so, then when i am leaving the party she sees me and asked where i was going and showed interest...i told her she could come with me....she went and told her cousins and we left. before we get to the party, i notice she is kind of touching my hand as she talks....we stop for smokes at some small bar and we decide to have a drink....this was totally a small neighborhood bar where we met Nilda the bars owner, Nildas cousin and thier friend from portorico.....so there we are talking with them and having fun (she wanted to meet new people and do new things and i thought she would like the sidetrack...) so, about an hour later, her cousin calls and tells us they are on thier way to the same party and that we should go there now....as we walked out the door, to my complete surprise, she grabs me and starts kissing hard.... we get to the other party and her cousin pulls up and sees her and i kissing again.(i think)...we go to the party and after about 5min, she takes me to the stairs and asked to leave... so we are going to walk to my place which was close since i was drinking....we get all the way there (and i am doing everything i can to keep her under control) and my house keys are in the car two blocks away...so we go back....get the car and go up to the apartment....you know the rest of the story... the problem you ask? none really, i guess, but that she is 20. so we are meeting out for what she is calling a date on friday night. the funny thing, her fam is strict and very protective of the youngest of the cousins and i had no intention to be involved sexually..to me we were just talking...and enjoying each other's company...we connected for some reason, but i allowed myself to be seduced by her....evidently she talked with the cousins that do like me and know me and they are okay with her seeing me....crazy huh? at least i am dating someone that is not available which is probably what i need right now. Link to comment
kate111 Posted July 6, 2005 Share Posted July 6, 2005 You are doing well. It must feel good to have such a beautiful young girl so turned on by you. My advice is the same as before. Make a conscious effort not to talk at all about the ex. When you feel tempted, tell yourself "its over now, i must forget" and change topic. If you could even say to those friends that you have talked to about her "I know it is over and I will not talk about ----------- (insert name)anymore, please stop me if I do". They will no doubt be more than willing to help out as they are probably sick of hearing you go on about her all the time anyway. Trust me this IS the way to forgetting about her and letting a new girl into your heart. Link to comment
SadnConfused Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 cpxsim, I have read through the majority of your lengthy post. Many of the situations you have stated are the same feelings and happenings that currently are transpiring with my ex. I was wondering if you could take a look at "What am I supposed to do" the message I posted. I think you might have some good information for me. I am am at the point where I dont know what else to do. I love her. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 7, 2005 Author Share Posted July 7, 2005 Hey Bud, I will do my best to give you some insight based on my past loss. I am learning more and more it is about timing. She is only 23….mine started looking for independence at 27….. My ex did love me when we were together. I believe that, but as her life changed (going into a tough nursing program, she now had her own friends in chicago, and she had confidence as an independent she did not have before me) and my life was still on the marriage track as a couple while she became uncomfortable looking to explore with her new found independence and confidence she got from our relationship… She no longer wanted marriage with me or at this point in her life. That is what I wanted and what we had planned just three months before we broke up…..my ex told me she needed to learn to be happy alone living alone and that she could no longer depend on me for that…she has a cousin that is in her mid 30's and I am guessing she (as an attorney) was coaching her it may be too early for her to marry when she has a chance to gain an independence and experiences she has never had and could not if she married me…. Funny, regarding the other guy, I dated a 22 year old that would tell her boyfriend she loved him, but sleep with me….she would tell me I gave her things and sex her boyfriend did not….but she is back with him…. The remain friends thing is impossible…..i tried soooooooooo hard to make that work, but it was tearing up my soul since is still loved her…I still see her since we have the same friends, but it is not easy… and that makes it uneasy for her… I too thought my search was over…..when I met her, she had a promise ring from her past ex…she tossed it in a bar about 1.5 years into our relationship even though she liked the ring…that was a sign for me to give her one….engagement….i stalled and lost my chance…maybe… What to do now? Stop it all. Do not call, talk, seek her out, look at pictures, old notes, etc. I believe she is too young to go there right now and you will only be spinnig your wheels even if she did come back….mine was 27 when she went through the transformation…she too met (but did not date) a different guy at work that began to show her there are other guys out there that may give her what I can't and she wants………. I know it is confusing, especially after all the I love yous and the cards, etc….it is what it is and you must stop all with her and move on…..get some working out in, keep eating, buy some things, meet new people……there are more out there…..i started dating a girl that really blew my mind by giving me things that the ex never did but I chose to live without…..move on. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 10, 2005 Author Share Posted July 10, 2005 Weekends are always the worse Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 11, 2005 Author Share Posted July 11, 2005 over the past year...i have been in a place that seems to make me feel lost at times....kind of like something is missing to give me the necessary footing...my career is great, but everything else seems to be in flux.... I feel as if I am on some self destructive auto pilot lately... ...even though i am doing great things for myself like improv classes, connecting with friends, keeping up with hobbies, getting away, working out....i am also being very self destructive like drinking and smoking too much, staying out late on weekdays, spending money frivolously, dating whatever comes my way (i am now dating a girl half my age..i did not see it coming, we walked out of a bar and before i knew it she was kissing me asking me to take her home...now i am beginning to think i have damaged my relationship with her cousins and we both know it is not something that will last)......I also don't dress as well as i should and maybe my crowd or even the neighborhood i live in is below me....im not sure.... Link to comment
kate111 Posted July 12, 2005 Share Posted July 12, 2005 I think I remember the feeling you describe, kind of an emptyness. Like your life means less or something. You will start to feel normal again. Trust me. It takes time. Perhaps 6months to a year. You are doing well. Keep it up. One step at a time. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 13, 2005 Author Share Posted July 13, 2005 Still having dreams with her in them…just last night as a matter of fact. She was at a bus stop and so was a girl I was dating…as I drove by, I found myself deliberating who I would say hello to first….i then said hello to the girl I was dating then the ex. Weird stuff, I tell ya! Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 15, 2005 Author Share Posted July 15, 2005 Healing after a breakup. I am now approaching the one year anniversary for the day she told me she was moving out. She did not say that she was thinking of it, but that she was moving out and her mind had been made up. Sure, we went on a bit of a roller coaster for a month and she even sat accross from me at the kitchen table and told me she wanted to give it a month and stop looking for a new place to live, but that was short lived because the ball had already grown to be unstoppable. Maybe it is thoughts like this that people say it takes at least a year to get over some one. Because it is during that year that you relive what happened the year prior. This time last year, her and I went on a family vacation together with both our families. I can't even get myself to go this year because it is just one more place my ex was and that I would have to think about where we walked and what we did… I can still call her and talk and catch up, but we no longer hang out or plan time together. This is probably mostly my doing because I tried to hang on to something I had hope was still there and in the process caused her grief as she had to keep watching me fill with hope just because we had a good day or enjoyed each other's company…which was simply that, us enjoying each other's company…not her having second thoughts about renewing the relationship, which is what I always wanted. So as I move on and at the moment date women that are great and very attractive, but without the potential of the ex, I still think about her. I even still find myself thinking that if I could only go back to this time or that time when this happened, that maybe I could save the relationship. But at least now when I think this way, there is a sense of "yeah right, like that is going to happen"…..we will not be back together…I know that… I do wonder, however, if she ever feels the same way I do. Does she think about me or miss me or even what we had together? Ever? I would like so much to receive a call from her, but then I know as she does, it would not be necessarily a good thing since I may still take it out of context…or be hurt or whatever….. Walk on By is a song Dianna Warwick sang and I heard it last night….it basically spells it out for me and her now…. When you see me walkin' down the street and I start to cry each time we meet, Walk on by, walk on by Make believe you don't see the tears just let me breath and cry `Cause each time I see you I break down and cry Walk on by I just can't get over losing you So if I seem broken and blue, Walk on by, Walk on by Foolish pride that's all that I have left So let me hide the tear and sadness that you gave me when you said good-bye (bye) Walk on by, (Bye) Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 17, 2005 Author Share Posted July 17, 2005 It is horrible.....I have slept with three women in 24 hours....it is as if i am trying to get what i lost out of sex. Still i sit here on a sunday morning as alone and lonely as the day my ex left me...... God, make it stop! Link to comment
Mun Posted July 17, 2005 Share Posted July 17, 2005 I hope all these women know you have nothing to offer them (do you?) at this time. As long as you are fighting it she will continue to dominate your thoughts. Surrender to the pain, to the loss and mourn it. That's the only way I have found that we can truly move on. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 17, 2005 Author Share Posted July 17, 2005 I hope all these women know you have nothing to offer them (do you?) at this time. It is more like they have nothing to offer me right now.. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 18, 2005 Author Share Posted July 18, 2005 i sit here at my desk, almost a year to the day that the ex told me she was moving out (she was probably secretly convinced in her head by this time while out on vacation with my family and hers....my family is there again and i could not get myself to go this year) looking at my empty bulletin board where i used to keep our pictures. nothing left but my "mean people suck" patch and a printer quality picture of my dad smiling as he holds up a birthday card..(my dad used to ask the ex and i constently if we were going to get married..he really wanted to know my future wife before he died).... . sort of just a bulletin of loss and emptiness.....kind of the way i have been feeling for the past 11 months. of course the pain is not at the surface anymore...i don't find myself breaking down though i wish i could, but the pain has moved deeper...a pain of emptiness similar to the bulletin board...waiting to be appreciated again? waiting for the inspiration and fulfillment again?.....i don't know, but what i do know, it is starting or has for the past 11 months started chipping away at my interests for everything from work to hobbies.....i find myself attaching to anyone that i fancy....would you believe i slept with three women in 24hours this weekend? it is horrible...as if i am trying to fill the space with things i know can't fill it...i am drinking and smoking much more. i am making some poor social decisions that may affect how friends see me into the future......and i think...she is doing the opposite by bettering her self at school and ensuring a bright future, looking great and squeaky clean, while i go right into the toilet....why?....what is it that is attacking my better judgement? part of me wants to just move away and start over and the other part wants to fight and be strong.... Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 18, 2005 Author Share Posted July 18, 2005 I don't know why, but i have been totally down the last couple of days, even since the wedding. why? the ex factor...it is incredible how after almost a year i am still being affected by the breakup...considering the crap pain i am feeling, i would imagine that breakups must drive some people literally mad, crazy, or even make them suicidal...how stupid is that? it has mad me to become a bit self destructive........why can't i just turn the page and move on? why can't i just pretend i never met her? do i miss her or do i miss the relationship? do i feel bad because i failed at the relationship? it is like there are a thousands questions i want to ask her... but why can't i remember how unhappy i was at times? why can't i go back to the place where i told her maybe we should break it off....why did i get to that place? was it because i sensed her unhappiness first? what was it that made me unhappy and why was it okay to want it to end then and not now? grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr i just want it all to end and stop.....it has been enfluencing my life for so long now, i am tired of it...i am losing interest in things that used to matter most to me....what do i miss?....i was with a beautiful woman, that everyone liked, that had awsome potential and drive that loved me and (at one time) wanted us to be married and have my children...it took me so long to find her and i messed it up...(i guess i'm still a basket case...sorry). im rambling.... Link to comment
SadnConfused Posted July 18, 2005 Share Posted July 18, 2005 cpxsim, Im sorry. Send me a pm. We need to chat, man. Link to comment
Leges39 Posted July 19, 2005 Author Share Posted July 19, 2005 man!!!!!!!!! did i just have a flash back of pain today....i even produced some tears after talking to the ex.....she said something...s. what do we talk about besides the weather? us. and i don't like talking about the past......OUCH! Link to comment
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