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I really should have posted here before going to see her... the ex. i really underestimated how she would react. and when i did finally go, i thought she was just being quite on the subject, but knew i would be going.

 

Honestly, i did not contact her. she saw me out somehwere alone, approached me and started to cry when i told her how happy i was with my new wife, home and life...i comforted her, of course...who wants to see a woman of 31 cry? remembering that my wife always wished that the ex and i were friendly (not friends as i realized later) i tried to comfort her with words (that always get me in trouble) by saying, that the wife always thought we should be friends... hence, the trouble starts.. now i kind of gave her my word to "catch up" the whole time thinking that she needed some compassion since she mentioned what i wrote earlier about the meeting.

 

i then told my wife a day later (that night would have been bad timing) and she was upset that i would consider it, but went back and forth... she also thought it would be okay because she does not know heart break like i did...(her boyfriend was killed in an accident and she never experienced a breakup).. so here i am, a little curious, yes, but mostly reaching out to her because she seemed to need comforting.

 

when we met, we sat for a meal. no booze. in a nut shell this is what she at the catch up: she broke up with her boyfriend of about 3 years because he was a bad influence and did not support her when she lost her job for lifting some pills in the pharmacy (ambion?), was rehired put on drug testing and told she could not drink for two years as part of a program. she started doing coke and trying to live lifestyle of a rock star with her non rockstar music playing ex boyfriend. her family (who she all told she was seeing me that night and talked about how much her family loved me still) helped her through it, she moved, and is now trying to connect with people who would be a better influence in her life. she seemed very lonely.... she seems to think that it is okay to try and reconnect with me because i am married now. to her (and this is what i think), i have made that decision and now she does not have to worry about me wanting her back anymore. we can be normal friends.

 

in the meantime, my wife is not happy about it, so , i will not be contacting the ex at all. if i runn into her, yes, i will be friendly, but not overstay my welcome. i love my wife. i really do. i do know that even if my wife was not my wife, that it could not work with the ex. it did not work the first time.

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I would put your focus on making your wife happy and not your ex. Whether your ex thinks its OK to reconnect or not really shouldn't matter. This shouldn't be about her anymore. Maybe she is lonely, but she has chosen her own paths and her life is her responsibility (and it sounds as if she is rebuilding her life anyway).

 

You have a responsibility towards your wife now not your ex. I am glad that you won't be contacting your ex but I really hope for your wife's sake that should your ex contact you or seek you out you put your wife's feelings first.

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I know deep down based on a long long path that even if I wanted to be with the ex she does not or will she ever love me (if she truly did) again. She made it clear at the end. She cares but not to be in love. Remember how I connected to the girl kristen? The ex called me and before I knew it kristen and I broke up. The ex did not contact me till I was married this time. Point of no return.

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I know deep down based on a long long path that even if I wanted to be with the ex she does not or will she ever love me (if she truly did) again. She made it clear at the end. She cares but not to be in love.

I still don't understand -- and I'm sure others feel the same way -- why you would now give that a moment's thought or care about that one way or another.

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the problem is that when we get married we thing that is now a sure deal. I do think that you still care about your ex a lot. It doesn't really matter if your wife says she is friendly with it or not. she may tell you she is but is hard to really know. this is going on a bad direction and you seem confused and not being honest with yourself.

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I have to agree with the others - its a bit unsettling to see how this ex still occupies your thoughts. Despite getting married to someone else, it appears you still have some longing toward the ex. Hopefully for your wife's sake, you never act upon that feeling in any way that would hurt her.

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She's not IN love with her dead boyfriend, she loves him. as a memory. That IS a big diff. What if her boyfriend is still alive, would you be alright with that? Just think it like that for a second. Sorry if I'm harsh, but do not use that line as a justification for your feelings.

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  • 1 year later...

So, although this happened a month or two ago, i thought i would share to keep this thread real.

 

one of my best friends, who still spends time with the ex, told me that my ex said she wished that she never left me. "Doesn't that make you feel good?" she said... No Nancy, it doesn't. it confuses the * * * * out of me. i start thinking all over again.

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Ha! You slacker....

 

I wont summarise too much because that would take away from the merit of the work that has gone into maintaining this thread by Leges39*, but its your general girl leaves boy and gives him the run around. Boy shelves his self respect and chases like a madman. Girl see's that and realises that he'll be there no matter what she does. Boy goes through lots of pain and confusion until he finally gives up and moves on. Boy even gets married. But now 7 years later things haven't gone so well for girl so she has re-appeared in boys life. Boy is married and now confused again....

 

Sounds familiar I know coz breakups have underlying common threads despite the different situations, but the detail that has gone into this thread and the length of it is a psyche students dream! ....I might even just print this out when my next assignment is due..... (jking)

 

Anyway, it seems this story is not over just yet...I wish the Leges39* all the best and thanks again for the work he's put into this thread*

So many lessons in here it should be a sticky!

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

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  • 2 years later...

Just made it to the finish line! What a great story.

 

It seems that at the end of the day there will always be people that we have a spot in our hearts for. Steve will always love and wonder "what if" with T. But sometimes the timing is just off and new people come into our lives and we must move on. It is very true that we want want we can't have. T. finally realized what a good, genuine, caring, and nice man Steve was to her. But she realized it (or remembered) too late. Steve's heart found someone else to replace that hole that was left by T. Memories never fade, and with memories come emotions. He will always have a spot for her in his heart. But the door closed a long time ago and accepting it was the hardest part for anyone going through this.

 

I wonder how my story will turn out. I can't go months or even years without seeing my ex. Why? We have a bond that is stronger than us and that is my daughter. I read this whole thread to hope and see the possibilities of either reconciliation or just fully healing. It's hard to say and we can't predict our futures. Sometimes I just wish I had enough time and distance to close the wound completely. 10 months of being broken up and her in a serious relationship again is extremely difficult to deal with alone. It seems to heal slower and slower than most breakups. One day I hope to meet someone to replace the pain of my past mistakes and give me an opportunity to love fully once more. Seems like a distant dream....

 

Steve if you ever read this I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart simply for sharing your experience. In the end I hope you came out a stronger person and wish the best for you and your (not so new) wife.

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Wow. Can I echo what Villagehero, Carus and many others have said. This is such a significant thread: it is an education and should be part of the curriculum at school. However it would be wasted on the very young. I guess you need to go through some of this kind of stuff yourself before you appreciate the wisdom that is here.

 

Unfortunately I imagine a lot of the people who contributed to this thread are no longer on here. Kate111 deserves a special mention for her patience and prolonged support for example. I have not read every message of the 89 pages but I have consumed enough to know how much good advice is here and how many people would have gained something from this thread (me included).

 

If you have just broken up or you are trying to come to terms with the grieving process - this should be compulsory reading.

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A great story which highlights many things for me :

 

- He dragged this story on for many years because he did not cut contact right away. He suffered, achieved nothing regarding the ex and even nearly broke up with his wife because he still was an emotional mess many years later. He was still in love because he did not disconnect. Drugs of love were still in his organism. So, really, only way through a BU is NC.

 

- Everytime his ex made contact with him, especially during the first two years, it was to ask him something (watering her plants, getting a blender, etc.). It was never about him per se. She showed an horrendous amount of selfishness in my opinion and she kept him on a leash for many years. When she broke down after seeing him with her wife and asked to talk to him in private, she once again showed her selfishness and her will to keep him on a leash. And he still went on...

 

- "Ill got, ill spent" is a motto to live by. After breaking up with him, she clearly drifted away from a sane life and slowly regretted leaving him... But, in truth, what she regretted was losing her control over him and nothing more in my opinion. So the greatest lesson which can be drawn from this thread is that we always should be happy with what we have and cherish the ones who truly love us. Not the ones who break our hearts, hurt our feelings repeatedly without showing an ounce of remorse. Those are not worth it. Not now, not in the future, not ever.

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Wow. Just read all of this start to finish. Really puts things in perspective for me as I begin true healing after my breakup.

 

I still have a hope of reconciliation with my ex, but knew both before and after reading this thread that before I attempt to win her back and start asking her on dates, I need to make absolutely sure that she has the same pull on my heart as any other girl would. It will take a while, but it's what I need for my own mental health.

 

I need time away to move on completely. I wonder if Steve will ever update us on where he is now, I'd like to know. If he doesn't, I've learned a lot from his story, and it has in a sense helped me in a time where my breakup weighs heavily on my mind.

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  • 6 years later...

Wow, it is now December 2020 or about 16 years since i started writing here about my ex.  What is my update?

Well, I am happily married to Jen and we recently purchased a new place together in Chicago. 

Do I think about the ex?  Sure I do.  We talked back and forth for a while on the phone, but that stopped about 6 months ago when she started to develop feelings for me.  I understand that.  She is living alone with her daughter from the guy who she met at the new years eve party about 30 pages back.  He left her and that is that.  She is very religious now and does not drink or smoke pot like she did in the past.  Honestly, her very religious ways (she will try to turn you) and the fact she could never be with someone who still partakes in alcohol has ended any possible chance we ever would have even made sense as a couple.  Am i still attracted to her?  Sure, but that means nothing.  

Coming back here to see what i wrote peeked my interest more for the early information on what I was thinking when i met my wife.  Very satisfying to say the least.

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On 12/16/2020 at 6:54 PM, Leges39 said:

Wow, it is now December 2020 or about 16 years since i started writing here about my ex.  What is my update?

Well, I am happily married to Jen and we recently purchased a new place together in Chicago. 

Do I think about the ex?  Sure I do.  We talked back and forth for a while on the phone, but that stopped about 6 months ago when she started to develop feelings for me.  I understand that.  She is living alone with her daughter from the guy who she met at the new years eve party about 30 pages back.  He left her and that is that.  She is very religious now and does not drink or smoke pot like she did in the past.  Honestly, her very religious ways (she will try to turn you) and the fact she could never be with someone who still partakes in alcohol has ended any possible chance we ever would have even made sense as a couple.  Am i still attracted to her?  Sure, but that means nothing.  

Coming back here to see what i wrote peeked my interest more for the early information on what I was thinking when i met my wife.  Very satisfying to say the least.

It's not uncommon for girls in their more fertile years to mess around with Chads and Tyrones and get involved with questionable behaviour. Simply because they can...

But the gravy train doesn't last forever, which tends to be a harsh reminder at a certain stage in a girl's life when she begins to realise that she can no longer compete with the younger crop who are after the same Chads and Tyrones of the world.

Hence the convenient reformation of religion and faith as a last ditched attempt to cover their past discretions so as to have some chance at landing a husband who sticks around.

Of course, a marriage like this rarely ever works due to the failure at landing the types of guys she really wants and settling.

It takes a long time to experience real change. You've dodged a bullet tbh.

But congrats in landing yourself a decent girl with good character. Wishing you the best of luck.

Onderoo,

Edited by Onderoo
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