My Day to Day Effort to Win Her Back.

[Leges39]

Hmm... you know, I'm thinking that whether you stay in contact with her or not you are going to have to do something very important for you. Grieve the loss of the relationship you had.

 

You will never have it again. All the good times you had are past. The plans you had are gone...

 

If one day you reconcile.. it will have to be a brand new relationship in order for it to work. If you just keep the friendship.. that will be something new as well.. but I feel that you should go right through the pain in order to start moving forward into ( hopefully) something new.

I am trying to grieve the loss, hence the reason why this post was moved from winning back the ex. in the meantime, our lives are so close that until we figure out this crappy situation or one of us moves on or one of us moves (highly unlikely) it will be difficult. sure it is easier then the past now, but it is still an aching situation for me. we are just two good people trying to deal with a bad situation and in the process doing our best not to make it hurt anymore then necessary.

[Leges39]

It is a nice day, so I let her use my car to run errands and take in one of our cats we got together to the vet. The cat (she) needed antibiotics…

 

We talked and it was nice. She told me what her semester will be like and what her hours are. She will have less class hours, but more clinical.

[Leges39]

Just my thoughts today.

 

As I have been having this relationship (lovers to her and more like friends to me because I am not that in to her) and I have made it very clear that I am not looking for anything long term. However, she still tends to make comments about the future that concern me. It is clear we both have an interest in each other beyond sexual relations (music, art, socializing), but I must soon put an end to the sexual relations part, because I am just not as in to it or nearly in to it at all. I will just have to tell her….maybe Sunday afternoon when we hangout next. I have been hanging out less with her and this morning she was hoping to have morning sex, but I skipped out on it….

 

Anyhow, this may all relate to how my ex felt about me or currently does. She wants to be involved in my life and be friends, but like me with the new girl, she is not interested in me sexually. However, like the new girl who is totally in to me sexually, I am totally in to the ex sexually. The thing I am trying to say is that I may be feeling the same as my ex did in the end. With her not wanting anymore having to deal with my advances, gifts in hope of sex, and constant affection……and how do I feel that it is happening to me? A little guilty….i don't want to hurt her feelings…part of me just goes with it selfishly….and I even say things sometimes that could be interpreted as "fanning the flames" encouraging more, when in fact I don't want more.

 

Just my thoughts as I learn to live without the ex.

 

By the way, she borrowed the car to bring the cat to the vet. I have no problem with that because I would do it for any friend. She called and left a message thanking me last night after her clinical and ensuring I found the car by the EL Stop…

[Leges39]

arggg

[coastal881]

I came to this section of the forum to see if I could find posts on my situation and I hit the jack pot with you! I read the very beginning posts up to page 4ish, and the very end 4 as well, plus some random posts in the middle. ( hey..I have to be at work soon ) and wow, you could be writing about me! Not only that, but I just of easily could have been reading my own journal. I did exactlly what she did after an amazing 3 1/2 year relationship, except not for nursing school. I gave the same reasons, said the SAME EXACT things she has said to you, dangled all the same "carrots". We have a dog that connects us, live in close proximity still, same ages,and even broke up the same time as you. One difference is that he broke up with me briefly over the summer first (one of those insecure Now or Never moments, which ended up him realizing he wanted to be with me forever) but while we were apart I was forced to be alone for the 1st time, with no family, and now no love either. I also had been in a long term realtionship my whole adult and as a teen as well. Then we got back together (august to octoberish) Till I broke up with him.(november) this time with me telling him I needed my own time now to figure out what i wanted in life. So I can relate. I know what its like to be crushed from a break up, I feel ya. I know what its like to be consumed with them, mentally. Even more though, I know what your Ex is going through. You are her security blanket. While we may have similar stories, we differ in that He had ( and not to sound mean in any way at all) more ...respect for himself, than you. Even at my weakest, when I thought - oh my god, i need him- He had enough respect for himself to keep me at arms length, because.. That is what I said I had wanted. I made that choice,I wanted to break up. There was no reason for him to make it easy for me. And I thank him in the end. I wanted to stay friends too, at least part of me did, because he loved me, because he was what i knew and was comfortable with. I love the guy I was with very very much. I always will. But by being a strong person and reminding me that he's only doing my bidding, I was forced to really deal with the situation.. instead of him being my safety net. Which, my dear, you are to her, which is my point. I was kinda sad to read the last few pages. Even though you know what to do, what FEELS right, you still hang on....

I have more to say, but I gotta get to work... till then...

-KC

[Leges39]

I see what you say. i am doing my best not to be the safety net as i slowly attempt to be a friend. I am known to go out of my way for friends however. all friends.. i am not calling her...she initiates all contact...if she calls, it is for catching up, and i forsee at some point, unless things change with her, this will fade to nothing.... i do not want to go back to being mean and not contacting her...i did that several times already (back and forth,,,back and forth..)..i am trying to just remain stable and sit back and see what happens...i am not trying to munipulate her or the situation anymore, which is partially what NC is...but the part of N/C that i could benefit from, i did....i had time to reorganize and revamp my life without her.....now, if we connect, it is because she is initiating....i will not go out of my way for her if i have plans, but i will listen to her because i like her and she listens to me....I want to "sit and see what happens" and in the mean time, i am dating, working out, going to activities, hanging with friends, etc...all the good things...i truly do miss her and i admit i had absolutely no dignity when all this happened..(for the first time to me..first real relationship)...but next time, i am ready....as for my ex now, i am a friend and will treat her as i treat any friend, however, i will not go out of my way to be her blanket....she is very attractive, and although she says she does not want a relationship with anyo0ne or can't due to the hardship of school, the reality is that something could be brewing right now and i would have no clue and i don't want to think about it...however, she still has our pictures up in her apartment, so when those come down, i will have an idea.

[Leges39]

an email to her that outlines what happened lately

[melrich]

Hi cpsixm,

 

I haven't read this entire post so forgive me if I assume wrongly or make mistakes of fact.

 

It seems you have been broken up for quite some time with your ex and that you still have pretty strong feelings for her and she is not really reciprocating but is happy to have you around the place.

 

I think your posts mostly intimate that she males most of the contact and you just respond and your responses (like the email you copied) continually hint at your deeper feelings.

 

It is never a healthy situation when two people remain close to each other but each has totally different motives. You seem to have spent a fairly large part of your recent life figuring all this out, how to get her back, how to act in front of her, analysing her behaviours, how to accept just friendship, what are the ground rules etc. etc.

 

To me it sounds like you are bordering on obsession and you have now got a "state of mind" that is fogging the rest of your life. You have tried NC but she breaks that by contacting you. I think a prolonged break from your exes sphere of influence is really what you need.

 

My advice would be to sit down with your ex and explein to her that you need space to get over her. You don't want her to contact you anymore and you will do likewise with her. explain to her that this is not because you don't like her or want to punish her but because you need to have the space to move on. Explain to her that once you have moved on with your feelings then maybe friendship would be possible.

 

I fear that if you keep going as you are, you will be headed for another major upheaval. If as you say she is attractive as a person and visually, wshe will find someone else and if you are in the same place you are now, that is going to really hurt you and probably plunge you back into the state you were in when you first separated from her.

 

Sorry if you have heard this advice before.

[Leges39]

her reply:

 

hi s,

 

that's ok about thursday. i can always find things to do around here. next thursday would work.

 

i had fun on saturday and it was nice that we could hang out with friends and be semi-normal. did you have fun at dennis'? keri and i went to rodan and got pretty tipsy.

 

i appreciate what you're going through and i am going through hard times of my own. thanks for understanding. it's hard, but hopefully we can continue to be strong and cope the best we can. i expect that it won't always be easy, but i think we've done a damn good job of preserving a friendship and being as civil as possible up to this point. don't you think?

 

well, i'm off to bed. sweet dreams.

 

t

 

and my response:

 

It was good hanging out with friends and yes, we did have fun at dennis's place.

 

if you ever want to talk about the hard times you are going through, just call. I like talking with you.

 

I want to write much more, but it has all been said. see ya Thursday or maybe we will bump into each other sometime before.

 

love your friend

s

 

these came on monday...

 

she called today wednesday. she wanted to know if i could print something for her, but i couldn't...she talked about things and i teased her at the end about how attractive she is since she was busting on herself....

 

i said, call next time you need something and she laughed....see ya next week i then said..we are to see a movie...and she said we will talk before then.....okay i thought, you will have to make the contact....

[Leges39]

Saturday i stopped by her place and we had a beer. she was stressed out about something and i listened. i also gave her a back and foot massage. i enjoyed it as much as her. i even snuck an innocent kiss to the forehead. i even put a pillow on my lap and motioned for her to put her head on my lap....she seemed more then happy to do so, then i ran my hands through her hair, she likes that, and i know....she had her eyes closed..

 

who knows, we may bump into each other today....i was thinking of asking her if she would like to order a pizza and watch Greys Anatomy.

[Leges39]

she called sunday morning and we went out to brunch with two friends. we then shot off to the grocery store for a spell.

 

today, i am pining....i love her so much.

[Mun]

Just wondering... have you stopped dating?

 

Seems like you are being a very nice friend.

 

Do you think she still has any "desire" left for you as a man? Can you tell if she does?

 

I don't know if others would agree, but personally I think you're not on the right track if you want to be her man again. You are on the right track if you want to be friends only....but of course time will tell.

[buba]

It's amasing how your story fits what I am going through right now.

I was married to a man of my dreams for only a year...

We were so in love and passionate. And than we started fighting over mandane, stupid, domestic things that come in a package with marriage...

He said, he doesn't want to be married any longer , moved out to live with his mother and yesterday I was served with divorce papers...

I was stunned as my last hope of us working it out slipped away.

I love him so much and don't know how to move on.

I spend the night drinking alone and smoked two packs of sigarrettes( I usually smoke one a day).

I woke up this morning asking God to take my soul, my house is a mess , all I can do is lay in my bed and cry...

He was all I ever wanted.

He called this morning and said, that he feels bad for hurting me this badly and still wants to date me after divorce is final.

He said I shouldn't worry and we will be o.k.

How can I date someone who was completely mine? Would I be one of many? It kills me inside...Reading your story helped me a lot, you are getting better...I blame myself for pushing him away.

I am very good looking, talented songwriter and he alwayes felt a bit inadecvate next to me, I was psychoanalysing too much and wanted to transform him.

I regret it soooo much.

Someone, tell me what to do, please.

[Leges39]

Just wondering... have you stopped dating?

 

rhetorical question? no, we are not dating...i am not sure about the desire question muneca. how would i tell?....becuase she is very good and stubborn, so if she wanted to hide it, she would...the desire was there till the end, i can't imagine it would totally disappear. for all i know, after i give her all this attention, she goes off on her own and pulls out something to take care of her desires and thinks of me....who knows.?

 

he feels bad for hurting me this badly and still wants to date me after divorce is final.

He said I shouldn't worry and we will be o.k.

How can I date someone who was completely mine?

buba, this is very difficult....when they feel nothing more then guilt anymore, it sucks...it will be ok is something i heard...she would say, "it will all work out."...

 

i have really been hurting myself, as well as helping myself since it all happened....hurting by drinking more and smoking more, helping by excersising, doing new things, going out with friends, dating...hobbies...

 

i wish i had a second chance. or i knew really what happened without all the sugar coating....thats all i want...one or the other...don't worry about my feelings....just tell me....if you are not attracted to me...tell me, etc..

[Mun]

I guess what I should have asked is .. do you flirt, does she tease you.. do you play around together?

 

I don't ask this to torture you, I ask because if this is going on.. then maybe, just maybe she is still attracted to you... and hopefully things will work out.

[Leges39]

you know, before it got uncomfortable with the NC and all, yes, she did tickle me and even kind of grab my butt, but right now, it has not happened in a while....maybe a couple months....i know what you are saying though.....she really gets uptight with school and all...

[Leges39]

Man o man, am I thinking a lot about my ex.

 

Ever since she laid her head on a pillow on my lap (I motioned for her to do it) and allowed me to run my fingers through her hair and along her ears, I can't get my mind off of her.

 

I have been thinking about how I might win her back after telling her I was going to sit back and let what happens happen. I even said I needed to let her go for her, etc….but now I am thinking about how I will ask her to go out with me again when she is out of the nursing program….

 

I picture this, I tell her I want to take her out for a nice evening to celebrate her graduation. So then I pull up with a limo that has a bottle of champagne in the back (something good), then it takes us to dinner…..somewhere nice that she has always wanted to go where a mutual friend works who could take care of us in style….then we leave and the limo is there to take us out for a drink and maybe a club for dancing….then at some point in the night…I ask her to go out with me again…start all over….new…then if she says yes, I have a room at an awesome hotel…a W hotel… waiting for us…..

 

Who knows if this would ever work, but I would have to go all out one last time…if we make it to her graduation with the current relationship, whatever this is…I will get away with planning it…

 

Now if I could just keep it real till then and keep her on edge with me (a good go out and have fun every once and a while kind of edge), it may just work….

 

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr….this kills!…

[Mun]

I find it interesting that although she broke up with you claiming that school would take up her time and she could not concentrate on the relationship---she still manages to make time to be with you. In essense what she let go was the "committment" part of the relationship...so she does not feel tied down at the moment, but still gets many of the benefits of having a man in her life. Good or bad? I suppose time will tell.

 

I think you should continue to live for YOU. Sure it's nice to plan and hope, do you feel she is giving you what you need at the moment?

[Leges39]

Although it was her decision to move out of the apartment, we both decided to break up two months later. It became too much stress for me at the time and I just felt that she was not in it anymore. But when I told her I did not want it to end, she stood fast and did not want to start up again unless she knew she could make it work and with school she could not afford that kind of time.

 

Funny you say "man in her life" because she has called me that in the past….not recently, but maybe three or so months ago before all the No Contact stuff…she still has our picture up in her living room…

 

Something that I found out in the course of conversing with her lately when she was upset at her cousin that I did not share. Her cousin lives near us and is about 34 and is a very successful and well to do lawyer. She had a one year marriage that failed and is now remarrying several years later. She was upset with her cousin because she went out with her last Saturday and she was "boring", the ex ended up spending about $70 on drinks and dinner (the ex is a student on loans and the cousin has a ton of money), and that the cousin was yawning early on…..

 

I don't know if you are following me or not, but the thing with her cousin started back when I took a picture of her cousin off of a book shelf where my ex put it (a stupid thing to do on my part…it was her home too….and I was just being a jerk)..so, she got the idea I didn't like the cousin or that I thought she did not like me….the only reason I did not feel good about the cousin was that the ex spent a lot of time with her right before she moved out….you see where I am going? When I told the ex why I thought the cousin did not like me (her leaving the apartment after spending time with her), the ex said "well she was giving me advice on single professionals"…..or something to that affect.

 

And guess whose picture is next to mine in the living room at the ex's place? The cousin picture I moved……guess who is the brides maid for the cousin? The ex. There is definitely a connection there…and it is funny that after she had issues with her cousin on that day last week (feeling bored, feeling taken advantage of, and just plain disappointed) she called that night to tell me all about it (telling me she was drunk). I know if I got the call in time, she would have come over to be with me and my friends…and then calling the next day to have brunch….hmmmmmm…..

[Leges39]

we are going to a movie tonight by the way...

[Leges39]

The movie last night with my ex was overall very good.

 

I picked her up at her place in my "just cleaned" Cherokee. When we got into the car, I noticed she had on some new shoes, and so I complimented her on them and asked where she got them.

 

We talked on the way to the theater and found a great spot. We went to the concession stand and got our usual, popcorn, nachos, and drinks. She buttered the popcorn for me since she know how I like it..

 

We got to the movie (fever pitch) and not too many people were there. We had a good seat…she complimented me on my new boots (i really worked on my wardrobe as if we were on an date) we talked about one of the movie previews and how we wanted to see it…(together?)….the movie, as it turns out, was very surreal due to the story. Her and I also had the same problem as the characters in the movie. I don't want to give it away, but we laughed in places other people didn't because we saw the parallels in our past…anyway, it was probably a good movie for us (in my eyes) because it shows the new couple, how they get into each other, she then has a problem with a passion of his because it means less passion for her (especially in the summer), then he has a problem with her trying to take something that means so much to him away. But in the end, something dramatic happens after the breakup and they are together…

 

After the movie and laughing together…she looked over to me many of the times she laughed…..we went accross the street to a wine bar that serves food.. we ordered some food and wine…good conversation about her grandfather and family that we were both familiar with…

 

Then, she brought up a mutual friend and asked me if I thought she should tell the mutual friend (keri) that her ex boy just broke up with a girl he was seeing…I thought no and so did she, but the conversation began to take a turn for the worse when I became passionate about something my ex said regarding "moving on and not being right for someone"..i, unfortunately, instantly started talking in generalities and seemingly talking about the two of us…..(bad move)…the wine maybe.. it ended at the wine bar with me stating if I had to deal with a heartache similar to our friend (she gets upset whenever she sees her ex with a girl) that I would just move away. Referring to if I ever had to see my her (my ex) with a new guy and I couldn't handle it. (who knows, I might be able to)

 

So we got in the car and on the way home we talked some more. I noticed that she had her arms and legs crossed and looked a bit uncomfortable….I took her hand and told her that I was sorry for the conversation back there and she told me how it makes her feel guilty when I say things about us because, she said, "it's me that is responsible"…"nursing school owns me and I don't have time to reflect like you do."…I then told her that sometimes I don't know if I am just lonely and she said immediately that she was lonely too. "I just have these walls up right now", she said.

 

We pulled in front of her place and I reached over and touched her face and told her that she was beautiful and incredible and that I had a great time tonight. She reached over to hug me goodbye and when she did I told her in her ear that I loved her and still want to take care of her and she said "I know you do"….she asked if I wait for her to get to her door…I should have just walked her to her door (grrrrr)…..

 

I shot her off an email this morning….she will be going to clinical today and then do her taxes. I was thinking of popping I with a six pack tonight.. we'll see.

 

 

hey,

 

we had an awsome time last night!...

 

good luck with the taxes....

 

call me if you want to talk or just need a hug.....my hugs are free.

 

 

later

s.

[Leges39]

the big question for me right now: How do i make going out with me comfortable for my ex?

 

how can i help her break down the walls she says she has up? and she does as she did when we had that moment where she laid her head on my lap and i ran my fingers through her hair...

 

she tells me she has nothing to offer due to school stress (she just yesterday got an F on a 15% test...evidently so did most of the class), so how do i get it accross to her that maybe just her being in my life and having fun when she can while i make sacrafices right now is just fine with me?

 

how do i take off the pressure of "a relationship" or guilt she feels from not being able to give back right now?

 

how do i give her distance when she needs it and space while remaining in her life and being the one she contacts when she has the free time (other then the time she wants to spend with girlfriends).?

[shockeddismayed]

You've got to stop giving, giving, giving.... and getting nothing in return.

 

Last night you went out, and all that you did was guilt her with your love. If you continue to tell her how you feel... continue to show her how heartbroken you are... she's going to go deeper into that hole that she is in.

 

Imagine... you care for someone... you might even love them... but something wasn't right... was it you? was it them? You don't know... and you are stressed about school... and you are lonely... and this person you are unsure of is SO convinced... and you know that you've already really hurt the person.... so even if you do still occasionally feel that spark, what is the first thing you would do? You'd bury it. You can see that the person is still mad about you and is wearing their heart on their sleeve. In your mind, the only thing worse than being lonely and sad, it repeatedly hurting the person you care about.... and knowing you could deal the fatal blow.

 

All you are doing to this girl is making her feel that she is responsible for your happiness.... what is terrible about that, is that she is having a hard enough time with HER OWN happiness, gosh knows she can't handle the responsibility of keeping you happy too!!!!

 

Your kindness and love is being perceived as weakness and neediness... it is eliciting a guilt response from her... and the more you remind her of how she felt when she dumped you, the more you will be reminded of how you felt (which is.... rejected). You are forcing her to live in that state of emotions, so nothing can ever change.

 

You need to present a different you. One that is detached from her and able to be happy with or without her. One that would never say "I'll move away if you date someone else". One that would never whisper "I still love you" at a moment when you know she is not yet returning the love, and not yet sure what she wants.

 

You need to stop being at her beckon call.

 

You need to be charming toward her.... not obsequeous and subserviant. You aren't her servant or her counsellor.

 

You need to make her laugh... allow her to have fun.... and do it with enough distance between you that she feels strength from you... not weakness.

 

You need to make her feel that she should want to be with you because you are a happy, adjusted, independent and confident person... one who can roll with the punches... who can bounce back from adversity... who can smile and find peace in the face of fear.

 

Most importantly, one who can be happy without her.... and can chuckle and laugh off her confusion.

 

If you could do all of that, you'd have a chance that her confusion would pass. But my fear is that she doesn't see you that way right now.

 

Stop being her doormat.

[Mun]

Hey there,

Every single question you have asked has one answer " DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP--just have one " do you understand that? Everything...and I do mean EVERYTHING about your date ( yes it was a date no matter what you want to call it) was going great until you got passionate and started talking about you two. You noticed that.. come on !

 

You were laughing, enjoying each other's company, reminiscing a bit ( in a good way--with no pressure) and then bam! you get back into relationship talk and her walls go up and you get hurt and confused.

 

This is precisely why many of us recommended no contact : so that when you do talk with her or spend time with her your emotions are in check and not on your sleeve. Now you know.

 

It doesn't look like she is going anywhere, she is still spending time with you but just doesn't need the pressure right now. How 'bout you show her you respect her wishes and don't pressure her about this relationship anymore? Concentrate on having and showing her a good time when you two are together---so that she will want to see you more often--and maybe get back with you.

 

If you pressure her and constantly talk about getting back or how you miss her ..etc.. She will start to see you as NEEDY and that will shut off her attraction for you. No woman will desire a man she feels pity for ( sorry) and you don't want that anyway. Be confident--try--and be fun loving and reliable, but not a doormat.

[Mun]

Shocked, I see we were thinking the same thing. ''

 

I was going to edit and add a bit about how you are making her feel guilty, but I see Shocked already did.

 

Now Cpx, if you see that we are essentially telling you the same thing here, do you suppose we could be somewhat right?

 

I can almost put money down that this girl is a bit burdened with how much you will bend over backwards for her. So sweetie strengthen that backbone--she will respect you for it.

 

Please stop being afraid to lose her--it's not helping. Have faith in yourself and confidence--that is very attractive.