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I can recall a boyfriend of mine who I broke up with because I wasn't sexually attracted to anymore, but I told him I "wanted to experience the world". I couldn't tell him the truth. How can you tell somebody that you aren't attracted to them anymore?


But you could certainly ask her the real reason and give it a try if you want.


Kate, I did ask this question when we were having problems while we were still dating…when we were having problems, she held back the sex then I held back the foot rubs, big hugs, etc….we stopped connecting on an emotional level and intimately….she told me this…"steve, we are not connecting or talking and I am becoming uncomfortable with us and having sex." This all happened about the time she decided to get off the pill for medical reasons..


The day she told me she signed her new contract, she was hornier then I had seen her in a while…she asked if I wanted a b-job and wanting more from her I told her I wanted to make love She still gave me oral pleasure, but it ended with intercourse that was very incredible…she was very surprised about how wet she was and kissed me with incredible desire…..i know when a woman is into me, and she was into me till the end. However, once she saw that we were parting, she became concerned about leading me on with intimacy…I was told by a friend who's girlfriend asked my ex if she still thinks about me, and the answer was yes.


Honestly, I know she may not desire me as much due to my insecurity, etc., but physically I truly think I am her type. So, that being said, I need to become desirable again to her by not only breaking away from the place I am in, but by becoming scarce and creating mystery, confidence, etc. that she fell in love with.


You need to find out whether she really is too busy for a boyfriend or whether the reason she broke up is more personal and there is no hope of reconciliation.


i actually called her on the boyfriend thing last time we spoke and she said there is no way there could be one. i see her schedule and she schedules every minute of her day, which gets longer because she has to use public transportation to get everywhere. she told me she plans to do something in 2 hours and it takes 4 screwing up everything....she complains that she is just plain tired of studying, testing and studying again...non stop!!!...


and she has not choice, especially after she had that bad grade scare, she needs to make up for that by working even harder...don't forget, nursing is a science degree and she has a liberal arts degree. she has a learning curve too and no prior nursing experience like many of her classmates...besides all of that, she is living alone for the first time, has little money, no car, little outside support besides me, no social life, one girlfriend, and don't forget the fact that if she does poorly she loses her scholarship and job afterward brining her back to stage one without a career....do you remember when she told be back in Oct. when she had the scare of not getting into the program for another year how she said crying "the program was why she left our apartment and our relationship?


Maybe you started dating too soon, before you were healed, maybe you can't just break it off and go away--most people can't.




I agree with you here. I am so surprised the girl I am with, who makes it clear this is temporary, is still around knowing that she is the only one getting off when we are together..


Let it go. Let time take over and in the meantime... Do the other things in your life that mean something to you-that don't include her- she may be back or not, but you owe it to yourself to keep on living YOUR life.


Yes, i plan to step back and let time go.....honestly, it is obvious to her i am sure that i love her and want to be a couple again. i just hope she does not see me as just another guy that can't get over her and move on. that is sad if that is the case. but i can remember back when her ex was following her around how she told me she would tell him that she was in love and that we were talking marriage and that he needs to get on with it. i remember her telling me how she felt he couldn't move on. But unlike him, if my ex starts dating someone other then me, i am done. no more trying at that point.


Actually, i would stop trying if she would just tell me "i will never date you again." but she won't say it. instead, she says, "i will not try to date you now. and i don't know what is going to happen in the future. I can't say wether or not i will want to date you when i am out of school or even commit to telling you i will revisit it." she said once, " it is like you want to start dating right now, it is not going to happen." With me, she will not give me a solid answer and to me, that means she is still confused about us, so i think you are right that i need distance, healing, and a life without her....i hear it a thousand times, then something comes up with her and i am drawn back.

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You say that she "draws you back in" but I interpret this as "at her beck and call". You need to be stronger. You know what you need to do so no excuses, just do it.


You are giving up on her at least temporarily. Because this is what she asked you to do, it is the only sensible thing you can do.


In my opinion, NO LOVE is worth sacrificing yourself over. There has to be a limit and you must love yourself enough to say "no" to pain continuing for too long in your life. Nobody should ask you to suffer that.


You know what you should do, which is nothing, ie no contact.

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On behalf of Kate, I am going to step in here and offer you my 2 cents and please do take it from me, for I have A LOT of experience on this subject, as the veteran's on here will remember me VERY well.


I was just like you, determined as H@LL to win back my ex's love and guess what? I did!!!! However, she kept leaving me....Why do you think that is? Well, I'll try and explain to you how it works......


Okay, for whatever the real reasons were that your ex truly walked away from you is almost inconsequential at this point, because what's more important is how you take care of YOURSELF after the fact. Please my friend, do NOT fixate all of your spare time living for her, because let's attempt at trying to examine this a little more closely. Firstly, if she were feeling the way you are feeling now, she would be doing what you are doing and you two would ultimately be back together, but this is not the case. She knows deep down that you are crazy about her and this my friend is what is keeping her away from you.


The truth of the matter is that she may have contempt for you because you are pursuing her as you have been and are and as she is expecting you to do in the long run. She sees that she is your entire existence and this does not turn her on, or make her want to come running back to you. My friend, think back to what she was originally attracted to when she first met you. I can almost bet my life savings that you have lost almost all of those qualities and/or hobbies and interests. Of course you have, because she has replaced all of them and the thought of her has replaced you from yourself and you no longer are complete and that is what I would like you to see for yourself:


If you truly love her, you MUST realize that YES, you can get her back ONE DAY, but that day should not be today or tomorrow. I am not saying it is not possible, because IT IS!!!! Especially with your determination and truthfully you remind me of how I used to be, BUT, it did not work in my favor, BECAUSE when I did get her back, I had placed so much emphasis on HER and I had NOTHING of MYSELF to offer and she left me everytime.


It has now been almost 3 full months for myself and I have finally learned that patience is the essense in all of this, because life is full of hills and valleys and we all can rise once again and be triumphant, but you need to do some soul searching before you continue losing yourself in her, while she is in the process of rebuilding her life without you, at least for NOW.


My suggestion to you is this......DO NOT give up hope, even if she is dating someone else and YES, I suggest you date others as well. I am. Sure, I constantly compare these women to my ex and I miss her at times, but you know what? The longer I stay away and the more restraint I demonstrate, I do NOT only show her that I am that independent man she met 2 and a half years ago, but I also build my own self-confidence and IF EVER in the future, something happens between us, I will be in CONTROL of myself and my actions/reactions and more importantly my emotions. I will know what I deserve and what I am willing to accept and whomever is in my life at that point, be it her or someone else, they will never be able to rob me of myself, because I and YOU are the most important people out there and if you do not truly believe that or feel that or KNOW that, then you have nothing to offer her, other than wishful thinking and it won't take her long to know that all she has when with you is an empty shell.


Get yourself back and stay away for now (NOT FOREVER) and you may have a chance at getting her back. It's your only chance (Long-Term).


Take my advice for what it is. She may never change her patterns, but you can change yours and force her to change her preconceived perception of you, which you NO LONGER want, or need my friend.





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I will be in CONTROL of myself and my actions/reactions and more importantly my emotions. I will know what I deserve and what I am willing to accept and whomever is in my life at that point, be it her or someone else, they will never be able to rob me of myself, because I and YOU are the most important people out there and if you do not truly believe that or feel that or KNOW that, then you have nothing to offer her, other than wishful thinking and it won't take her long to know that all she has when with you is an empty shell.




you have an incredible way of putting it all, thank you for writing. I truly want this to work...thank you all for the support...

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72 hours since i spoke with her!.


thank god i have improv tonight....i am starting to think more an more about her and what we had.....


i am sure she will call before my trip to mexico monday.....if not, i know i will have two weeks of nc under my belt...

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You say that you are tempted to call her because you are starting to think about "what you had".


Don't think about "what you had". What you had was in most recent times a situation where she wanted you to buzz off and you were annoying her. "what you had",the situation you are fantasising about was a long time ago and you need to stop thinking about it, it is in the past. Calling her will not make it it come back.


You are doing well. Play with your kitten instead, he is very cute.

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I really hope you took what I wrote you seriously man...I just read that you said that it's been 72 hours since you last spoke....Well, from experience, you really shouldn't be thinking along those terms. Think weeks, or months...That's when you won't only see a change in her and her reactions towards you, but you will have attained a certain level of emotional detachment that you require to have any type of long and successful relationship with this girl....


Anyways, you'll do what you want to do ultimately and may learn the hard way. I know I sure have....

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Thanks guys.....i hear you....i had every reason to call her yesterday when i got two missed calls from her.....she did not leave a message, so i thought, why call her back if there is no message.


my improv party was great.....i got to give a cute girl a foot rub...not sure, but the libido may have been present.

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The ex called regarding an email that I sent her to not bother helping out with the cat while I am in mexico:


"Hey its me….are you mad at me or something? I got that email and it was definitely short and to the point. Um. I was actually going to talk to you about that anyway, because I really didn't feel comfortable coming, unless jen was okay with it. So, that is cool if I don't go, I was just going to do you a favor. So, I don't know, give me call because I feel like you are mad at me and I don't know why. So, give me a call, okay, bye."


Now, if I don't contact her it will be like I am being mean or something. I am not mad at her, I was just not answering calls that had no message.


I will wait till my ride home.

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So does her email mean that she doesn't want to look after your cat anyway?


she called and left a messag at work....a couple calls i know were her because no message was left...


her call basically says she didn't want to do it unless my roommate was okay with it....she says she was just going to do me a favor by checking in on my cat, but i know she would have liked it...my roommate was not okay with it...they were friends, but now they are kind of feuding.

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Thats great. Nice one.


Now you have to get back to the business of no contact and your own life for awhile.


I definitely don't recommend getting her to mind the kitten if your flatmate is against it. Don't sacrifice your friends for her. You have to put yourself first now.

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Steve, will you call me, please, when you get this. I am getting kind of worried that your mad at me, um, that message you sent me was really kind of abrupt and weird and I haven't talked to you since this weekend, but I had an extremely busy week so, could you just give me a call. Okay bye.


she just called again.......

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Funny, but it seems that the shoe is on the other foot now and your ex is worried that YOU are upset at her. She usually has you on pins and needles...see what a little change in behavior does? Just an observation.


Keep taking care of yourself. Like Danimal says you have to be the man you used to be.



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So, i pretty much had to call her back after all her requests. i did and we talked very little about her thinking i was mad...i just stayed away from it.


she said she wanted to come over and see the cat..."i don't get to play with kittens any more.".... i told her if my roommate was not around she could....i told her i had to go...battery issues..


when i saw that my roommate was going to be around i called and told her she couldn't come over...she really gets into the cat and playing with him...


maybe i will let my roommate know that if she is going to disappear to her boyfriends, to call my ex so she can pop in on the kat....

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It is incredible now how much I am driven inside to talk to her and see her after the phone calls. It is as if her slight neediness with the calls projects upon me that she needs me or wants me or doesn't want to lose me……sure, she has always told me she cares about me and loves me, but will she still want me in her life the way I want her in my life.


This is a bit painful…..i still love her so much and need her so much that I need to be careful not to "f" anything up…..i have to continue to let her drive the meetings and calls…if there are any to be had….in the meantime, I am going on with my life without her as I have been.


This is so hard all of a sudden……

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You are at her beck and call.


Ever heard of the saying "why buy the milk cow if the milk comes free"? Well i think this is what is happening in your case.


Wake up to yourself. You give in to her every whim. You don't honour the rules you make for yourself, eg not calling her, minding the cat. She comes before your own feelings EVERY TIME.


You didn't have to call her back that last time. You owe her nothing. So what if she thinks you are mad. Let her stew and worry a little, it will INCREASE her excitement for you anyway.


You are your own man now, remember that.


I think you really really really need to do no contact and work on developing some independence and strength. I fear that if you do not do this soon it may be too late.

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