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well I did say something like i want to get to know you better, she push me away right away, like bad stuff like, you wouldnt like what you found out, i guess its her way of making me back off by shocking me with stuff, dont you agree? Anyways, im waiting for an update on your sitution.

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Today is saturday. i just spent some time with my ex. I did initiate contact this morning to see if she wanted to work out...her schedule did not provide time for it, so we planned to meet after she studied. in the mean time, i picked up my work and headed to the coffee shop. i did not think she would go to this one due to the distance and the fact she went to another often....


anyhow, is saw her there and said, "i thought you would be at atomic" she offered me space at her small table, but i told her i needed more space. i took a table a few tables away. plus i didn't want to crowd her space, figuratively and physically.


i got plenty done and even had the opportunity to borrow a calculator from her. she was very happy to let me borrow it. she even came to my table with a sheet of paper i left on her table.


later on, she came to my table and told me she needed another coffee and asked if i wanted to check out this shop later with her...her best friend (who likes me, to include her husband) is pregnant with thier first child. she wanted to buy a baby gift. i said yes...


later after several hours of working and her studying, we finished (she complained she didn't nearly finish as much as she wanted, so she called our leaving the coffee shop a study break until she returned home).....we went to the shop, it was cute and we enjoyed finding something for our friend's baby. i told her i wanted to give something too, so i added some $20 baby bibs she liked to her gift and she will send it to her as a joint gift....


we headed to her place to get her laundry and i played with the cats (we both got them when we were together)....i finally saw what i was afraid to look at......SHE STILL HAS OUR PICTURE UP BY HER COUCH....it is a good size pic, too....that made me feel good....


we then left to do laundry...something we did plan when i first called.....when at the laundry, she was reading her material, leaned over the washer and i started to massage her back...she really enjoyed it.....she always did.....


before leaving the laundry, i asked her if she was going out next saturday to the big event (a theater company event) with our friend keri. she was not sure and asked why i would ask and at first was confused, "why, because if i go your not?"..."no" i said, "because if you don't go with keri, you can go with me, i have two vip tickets." she said, "oh"...I said, "if you go with keri, i will take nancy" (a friend). i just asked her to let me know...she said that she may not get to it till wednesday due to the two big tests she has this week.


i got her home and we hugged.

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Hi there,

I think everyone has given you some pretty good advice.

If you are constantly around she is going to like it and be comfortable with you, but you have to have your own life and sometimes NOT be available in order for her to WANT you. Like Kate111 said, don't be at her beck and call ( good advice Kate) ...hmm I find that a little boring.


She's told you she has no time for a relationship until she is done with her studies. No mystery there. Give her the time she needs, continue with your improv nights and all those things you are doing now. Don't give her too much information about what you are up to (create some mystery) Don't call her everyday. I know you care about her-she knows this too-she needs to MISS YOU in order to want you again. She can't miss you if you won't go away.



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Background Information:



So, now here is my question. I have an event (a great social event that all our friends will be at) this Saturday and I Asked her if she would like to go with me. I have vip tickets and all and it will be nice. She told me she could not look into it till Wednesday due to the two big tests she has Wednesday morning… I know for certain she will want to go (with me if not her friend keri) because it is after two big tests, during a three day weekend, and she pouted to me how "out of the social loop she is"…….But here is the kicker – all of our friends are going to see us together….and be confused and start asking questions, etc.


I CAN'T TELL HER I CHANGED MY MIND AND TAKE THE OFFER AWAY. I took her to New Years Eve last with all our friends and it became weird when she sat with some guy (she later told me she did not like), which caused me to basically institute the three-week no contact due to my not being ready to see her with someone new yet. I most likely am the one that made it weird….I am still in love with her and she knows it. (besides, she has my picture up still)....







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Why don't you wait and see what she tells you first about going with you.


If the event is this Saturday and she is not letting you know till Wed....then you just might find yourself without a date if she says no. It's kinda unfair to have the other girl on the back burner just in case the one you really want doesn't work out. What if that one has plans for the weekend already?


First thing first. If you already invited her the you shouldn't un-invite her. Don't do all these ground rules kinda thing. Instead treat it as a night out with a good friend and check your emotions. You can be jealous if she talks to other guys, but you shouldn't act on it since she is not yours anymore.


In regards to relationships the best thing is to stay in the present. You think too far ahead and you start spoiling all then fun of it.

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i left her a happy valantines call on her machine and she returned my call and she is totally stressing out about two tests she has on tuesday and wednesday. i never heard her so worried....i did my best just to listen and provide support, but she took the time to call because she "wanted to return my call."


she is very worried because it would mean a c in the course if she does poorly and she can't do less then a b in the program...


i told her i would pray for her and she said thanks....


we said goodbye and i got a little teary because i could not help her or even give her a hug...


"just don't lose confidence in yourself and do what you can for the test tomorrow. then after the test, talk to the teacher of the test for wednesday and she may tell you something you were missing and it will all work out." I did my best to give her encouragement.

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she called me last night on my cell just at 5 p.m. when i am off work. she left no message, but she knows i prefer that since i would call anyway.


we talked a bit about the test she took and how she felt better about the one she had to take today. she was preparing her dinner and was telling me how she didn't want to study again...it is non stop studying for her...she wished me well for the event i went to last night that she wished she could go to.


her friend keri told me she didnt want to go to the event i asked my ex to go to. she doesn't want to, so now i am worried my ex would rather hang out with her friend keri that night doing something else maybe...should i write her an email and give her the opportunity to do so, so she doesn't feel obligated to go with me?

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I think you should find out if you have a date for Saturday with her or not so that you can call someone else.


I'm going to say this : every relationship is different so maybe the methods you use(to get her back) will work for you.. personally I don't think so, but that's just me.


Good luck.

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I'm going to say this : every relationship is different so maybe the methods you use(to get her back) will work for you.. personally I don't think so, but that's just me.


why do you say that?


all the bull i put in the email, i bet....


you said,

she needs to MISS YOU in order to want you again. She can't miss you if you won't go away.


this email was way too needy, huh?

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well, the email was probably a bad idea.


i called her yesterday and she told me she was on the phone with her dad and i asked her to call when she was done. she didn't call. now that is all i can think about....i even called her and her answering machine picked up...i said, "you forgot to call....i wanted to chat before class..."


i dug a hole when i never should have...


the email talking about relationship stuff was a bad idea.

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It's not that your email was too needy. I think your whole general attitude is too needy.


Look if you think about it. She has already told you she needs this time to concentrate on her studies. So why aren't you giving her this time to do that? If you keep wanting her attention (constantly) then you are coming accross as needy because it gives the impression that if she doesn't give you a minute of her time you can't live--your life stops when she isn't there. You just can't do that.


In order to remain attractive to her you have to keep doing your own thing and keep your own interests outside of her. Sure you can call her, but if she doesn't return your call immediately then just tell yourself she was busy. Give her a chance to call you when she is free. I'm just saying don't push her too much.


It would be a good idea to go back and re-read the advice already given you. Pay attention to Beec and Kate they told you some good stuff.

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well, i got my answer last night. i went to her place and asked her. she did not feel comfortable going because she thought it would look too much like a date, she didn't want me to get the wrong idea, and she said she didn't have fun at the last one anyway. she said she has not seen our friend in such a long time it would be too much like a repeat of new years.


i then laid it on the line about how i saw the relationship since i broke the three week no contact to be there for her. she told me that although she would like to be friends, we could not talk every day, and hang out too much, but could meet every once in a while. she told me that i just need to take a step back and just let whatever happens happen and stop trying to manipulate her or the situation. i talked about how it was my first long term relationship and that during this time of the breakup, i have been able to reflect on much of it and see where things went wrong and learned from it. she said she did not want to be made to feel upset about how she should have given it a second chance.


as for the picture in her living room. i asked her why she still has it up and she basically told me she likes it and has also been very busy, so since it dosen't bother her that it is up, why not. it's her apartment and she can do what she wants.


she told me her show er was coming on in two minutes, so i got up to go. we hugged and she told me to not think about it so much...we hugged again at the back door and i snuck a kiss on her cheek. not sure when i will see her again.


ultimately, i think she is holding back and i guess that is one of thepains of a loss like this. you lose someone you shared everything with.


i will not just stop calling her. i could do as she wishes and hang out every once in a while, but i will have to wait again until i can handle it without slipping back into it. she said again she wants our time together to be fun if we do and that she does not want to rehash the past any more. she would like to meet every once in a while to talk and catch up. How painful is that to hear.


there is still the issue of the $330 she owes me. she said to trust her on payment and i do, but i am a bit uncomfortable being in this situation.

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Seems like she is content about being away from you. Im sorry. But as long as she knows you are there she can do what ever she wants and always have you back. Use your head on this one and not your feelings. Dont do what you feel. Do what you know is best. Prove to her that you can be independent. Act indiferent about it. Work on improving your self and all that is around you. So no matter what happens you will be happy. like with you. People want what they cant have or that is hard to get. So put it back on her and make yourself important and wanted by others. IMO it would help. Peace

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But as long as she knows you are there she can do what ever she wants and always have you back
yes. i understand. really, the only way i ever seemed to have her interested in me or what i was doing is when i didn't call. kate, beec, and you are all right. i just acted on what i saw as an opportunity, which was too early....
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Remember all those posts ago when you started doing no contact? Do you remember why? The same thing is happening again...you are being REJECTED.


Can't you see now that is impossible for you to have any kind of relationship with her whilst you harbour these feelings for her and whilst she doesn't feel the same way? You are smothering her and causing her to want to escape.


She has told you that she only wants to see you occasionally, in my opinion this is probably not what she means however. What she really means is that she is open to seeing you, now and again, after some time has gone by and you have got over her to the extent that you can hang out with not as much emotional involvement. She is saying "go away I want to be single" but trying to be nice at the same time by softening this attitude to "we can meet occasionally". She is too weak or kind to teel you the truth.


The writing is on the wall. You have been dumped. You HAVE to take a step backwards now, because if you don't you are going to really turn her off big time and do permanent damage on your own self esteem. You will humilate yourself.


You talk to your ex about having an "exboyfriend" relationship. Im sorry but except when adequate time has gone by so that all romantic feelings have been extinguished (yes it will happen), that is a contradiction in terms. An exboyfriend relationship equals NO relationship.


Your life can be good without her, you do not need her and actually it will probably be good for you to take some time out by yourself. Stop worrying about her nursing school and start worrying about your own hopes and dreams. Im sure you have them, deep down in your heart, but you probably can't even remember them at the moment, because of your obsession with your ex. You treat her nursing school as more important than your own hopes and dreams. You need to rediscover these things. You need to put yourself first.


In my opinion she is not the girl for you. If she was she would never have dumped you. Why continue loving someone who doesn't feel the same? It is pointless and not fair to yourself.


I think you need to go back to the old posts, reread them and do no contact and go through the pain, and all the stages of grief. Read self help books and give up on this girl. At least for a very long time.


Im sorry, I know it hurts. Please don't feel like this is something you should feel is your fault, I know you have good intentions and are confused by whether you should do what your head is saying or whether you should listen to your heart. It does sound harsh but so is life. You need to listen to your head now.



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thank you kate,


you were right about me getting too involved before it was time (a time i do not have such strong feelings). i felt the love from her after helping her and it just carried me away and i let it, even though i saw the bridge was out just ahead.


my life is good. i have a great job/career i like, good friends, a strong family network, i am taking trips, having fun, etc. it seems i have all this but that special someone i always wanted to share it all with. i am now being forced to pilot my future ship alone again. do i like it? would i feel this way if i was with someone as good or better then my ex? am i just lonely? do i just miss the idea of having a companion? do i feel like the relationship was ended prematurely or deserved a second chance? i am not sure, it all seems to get me down, yet i seem to have every thing else i want or could possibly ask for. i am good looking and a great catch, but it just kills me that you can give your heart and soul to someone and better yet, have thiers but then have to give it back. it is very powerful and not necessarily that easy to achieve....it takes a lot of time and energy and love and great experiences to get to that point.


what are my hopes and dreams? meet someone and fall in love, have a great time in chicago, and maybe start a family. why? i have everything else. i am working on improv and i am staying in shape physically....i do lots of fun things....i just know now, after having a taste of a relationship, that it is an incredible thing to grow with someone and have plans and trust and family meeting on the holidays, etc....


as you say, i just need to write off this investment in my life and move forward. i need to surpress my emotions, my heart and use my head that tells me that i must let her go and move on with my life and not obsess about how i can get her back, or about her welfare. her welfare is no longer my concern. she had so much to give and even more potential, but that is not for me to care about anymore.

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Sounds like you are getting there. Being cool and making her laugh and being in a good mood makes a major difference. To go home alone is pretty hard. I will say that if you get out and have fun and meet others is cool as well. Then to go out to dinner or what ever with another girl helps even more. I am in the same boat with my ex and after 5 weeks of chasing I not only started just being friends seemed alot better for me but harder for her. She wants me to chase and tell her I love her. but I did start dating others and found one that has taken my thoughts off of my ex and has made it so much easier. I enjoy my new girl and I dont know now if I would even want to go down the road of issues again. My ex is acting like she really has started to miss me but I is not the same. the new girl makes me really wonder what I was thinking and why I was wanting back with my ex so bad.

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yeah going home alone is hard, but it is an opportunity for you to grow. I know this sounds lame, but learning to be alone is beneficial to your next relationship/ or if you get your ex back. Stay strong. Be well. I think lawanorder has the right idea.

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the ex called last night about the cat i am supposed to get. turns out it won't be ready till thursday now....what a pain. she asked if i was excited about it, and i said yes. she replied in a kind of happy melacholy voice, "you are?"....the ex certainly sees this cat as moving on, especially since one of our connections was the relationship i had with our cats that she now has.


the other day when i went to pickup the check for the $330 she owed me, i noticed she still had the pic of us up, after all we went through talking about it....


she said she wants to see the new cat when he comes, but i insisted that she must come to my place to do so, and she said, "i know"...in a childish way, kind of.....


i am spending some time with this new girl....i seem to be having problems finishing the job, if you know what i mean....she gets off, but i am still not completing...when i was with the ex, that was not a problem, rubber or not......maybe i am just not as attracted to this new girl....i like her though and she is cool...she likes to sleep in my arms at night, sex in the morning, bj's in the car, she is artistic, she is interesting, she can talk intelligently about politics...and she is two years younger..etc.....lots of things the ex lacked....but the ex is still better..

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