My Day to Day Effort to Win Her Back.

[Leges39]

I have been with a girl (not the ex) who is really into me and she reminds me of myself with my ex. i was always turned on and wanted to have sex. it is kind of stressfull and i am not as into her as she is into me, which i hope was not the case with my ex for the past three years....

 

what a crappy feeling to have and to experience it on the other end if it indeed was the case with my ex, atleast in the end, and i when i was pushy for sex or not pushy, but really into her......Yuck!

[melrich]

Your poor, poor ex.

[kate111]

It sounds like the casual sex buddy you have been sleeping with has turned out to have feelings for you. I would advise you to be ethical about this situation. Treat others as you want to be treated.

 

Don't use her for sex if she doesn't feel the same way, it is cruel. Be a man. If you don't have any feelings for her, tell her or ditch her.

 

Yes, you see what happens when you don't give so much in a relationship? The other person likes you more.

 

Moral of the story: Don't be at your ex's beck and call. It turns her off.

[kate111]

How is it all going?

[Leges39]

hi

 

 

i am in mexico.....i was checking messages for a friend that wanted me to check on a necklace that she saw a couple of months ago...turns out it was not the same one....since i had some time to burn, i checked out enotalone...it is a bit overcast, but i have a great tan started...our last day is today....

 

i learned something on the trip about my ex. she, as you know, is best friends with a girl that is on the trip with me....she was with her and the other girl that is here last saturday or friday and evidently told them that i seemed needy and "inventing" ways to have her in my life (i will admit, that when she and i went excersising together, i asked if she would check up on the cats once...once!....not the entire week!!!, hell, she kept talking about how she wanted to play with him...) (this did not come from her best friend but the other girl that was there)....it upset me a bit...i wonder if she has told them that she called worried i was mad at her for not returning (non message) phone calls, or that she asked me to look for a particular earing made of amber while in mexico, or that she kept calling me to see the cat when i got it...or that she wanted to spend more time with my kitten because she does not get to see them much...

 

any how, i went ahead and found some good priced earings for her out of amber. (she will pay me for them)....i was not going to do it, but she asked....but i will wait for her to contact me when i get back.....she is in her last week of the hardest semester of the program. then the next week of st. pats she is off.....again, i will wait for her call.....funny, she also asked to use my car...while away....beckoning and calling....i wonder if she will want to spend any of her quality time on break with me? would i accept? if it was good...her comment that i was inventing ways for her to be in my life kills me and makes me a bit irked ...it will have to be all her from now on initiating and it can´t be to borrow the car, go to the store, help with laundry,.....i want the quality time if i am going to take anything anymore....i was kind of second hand friend...there for her beck and call...

[Mun]

Yikes!

It's hard for us to see what kind of message our behavior is giving the other person. We think we are just being friendly through the break up, but to the other person it might look like something else .

 

Now you know that what we were telling you to do was for a reason. Yes she wanted you to do favors for her --because she knew you would. Like kate111 said you were at her beck and call.. thats very nice, but it does not create desire....Up until the end where you stopped taking all her calls and such--smart move--then suddenly she didn't know what to think anymore. What she believed to be true was suddenly not happening...

 

It is good that you know what is going on in her head so you know what your behavior looks like to her.

 

A man with pride and dignity is very attractive.

[Leges39]

So, upon my return from mexico (keri, her best friend, and i traveled together and met the others) when i got to the states, i checked my messages. the ex left a message basically telling me: she had her first final monday; that she was happy she came to check on my cat, because he had no food or water (roommate!! ); where she was parking my car by the train; and that she will call when she gets back home from studying.

 

i dropped off keri and gave my ex that call she asked for. she talked about the cat, asked about the trip, i told her about the earrings, but that she can call me next week after she is done with finals....she asked if something was wrong because she felt i was being distant...i denied it and she told me she would have some time monday to look at the earrings because she is traveling to laccrosse, wisconsin. (to see her best friend, but she also has an ex that she has been in communication with since this whole breakup started last august....if he knows she is going to be out and about, he will most likely seek her out...he always did when i was there with her)....who cares really....

 

i am going to clean up my things from the trip and pay some bills then go downtown for a bit....i don't know how i feel about seeing her right now, even if it is to give her the earrings...i just spent a week away and i was feeling better till now....

[shockeddismayed]

Don't feel like seeing her?

 

Then don't. Simple.

 

Getting back together is a LONG process if it happens at all. You are more than within your rights that you dodge her for a little while.... the most important thing is your own happiness, and for the moment (and I mean that in the most literal and transient of senses) you are happier without seeing her.

 

Go with that for now.

[kate111]

she asked if something was wrong because she felt i was being distant.

 

What right does she have to ask you about being distant? you are her ex that she dumped and is slowly torturing by being friends with when she knows full well you are still in love with her (yes she would know, im sure of that).

 

Of course you get distant and have negative emotions about this sometimes, what does she expect?

 

She wants to make sure she has full control over you at all times, whilst she gives you very little control over her. Not fair.

 

It sounds like this trip away was very good for you Cpxsim, it seems like you are beginning to see things as they really are. Or perhaps what you have heard from her best friend has hurt you and made you realise she is not loyal to you.

 

I think you should use the time away on this trip to your advantage. I would do no contact for a while and scare her into thinking she has lost control over you and that your trip away gave you a chance to really think about your life. Show her you can do it.

 

As for your cat being without water, Im not sure i would believe your ex. After all look at what she told her best friend about you. This could be part of her scheme to make you think that you NEED her.

 

Basically the fact of the matter is she is confused about you and is stringing you along and using you for company until she is sure of what she wants. Don't let her do it because she will disrespect you for it in the end.

[Leges39]

what you have heard from her best friend has hurt you and made you realise she is not loyal to you.

 

I think you should use the time away on this trip to your advantage. I would do no contact for a while and scare her into thinking she has lost control over you and that your trip away gave you a chance to really think about your life. Show her you can do it.

 

I am hurt by what was said, and i am feeling a bit _ocky now...even hung out with this other girl and ignored the ex call.....i already told the ex, she can call me when finals are over, so she can wait till then atleast....but i know full well she is leaving for laccrosse when they are over, so i will not see her then for another week...that is three weeks of no seeing (not quite no contact) which was the longest period of time i have gone...let her wait....i say...

 

thanks for the support guys.

[shockeddismayed]

cpxsim,

 

I say _ocky is an EXCELLENT place for you to be right now. And I'd go so far as to say that you aren't really *being* _ocky, it just feels like that b/c this girl has been stomping on your self-esteem for so long.

 

I've found that recovery is a roller-coaster ride in itself... I've noticed myself in one extreme (guilt, low-esteem, nostalgia) or another (frustrated, angry, _ocky, arrogant) with respect to my EX.

 

Gradually the extremes subside, and you settle at a more natural place (emotionally and spiritually), but it takes a LONG time. As long as you recognize these states, you can learn what it is they are giving to your recovery.... they are all important emotions, we just need to recognize them and keep them in check so that we can't be accused of being "messed up" or "emotionally unstable".

 

For now, your natural arrogance IS required. It will remind you (as if you already didn't know) what it is you have to offer.

 

This is all working in your favour. Good luck.

[Leges39]

I have a question?

 

Is it right for my ex to want to talk to me on the phone, use my car, possibly workout, do laundry, and maybe even hang out at her apartment for short periods of time after doing one of these things because she wants me to say hi to the cats we got together, but not be seen together?

 

Basically, what is she saying? It is okay for her to show me earrings she is interested in or even show me clothes she likes in magazines (we used to do that a lot because she fancied my style), but feel really strange when she comes to my place to see my cat, when it was by her request? "I guess we are going to be the talk of the town now," she said once after running into two friends of ours when we were going running, just after she went up to my apartment to see the new cat.

 

What exactly is she saying? Steve I want to spend this time with you, but I don't want to be seen doing it? Do you think she is seeing someone that the others know about, but I don't? She always told me in the beginning of the breakup, "Who cares what other people think." Evidently that does not matter now.

 

I do know now that I will not be taking her bait on things we can do together that benefit her like grocery shopping, laundry, etc….I always took that bait and asked her if she wanted to go shopping or make it even easier by saying, "I have to do this or that, why don't you join me?" To hell with that anymore!!!!…She is done with her hardest semester in the program she stated she ended our relationship for, so if she wants to hang with me, it will need to be during the quality time she has during her break or on a weekend night she has free. I am no longer going to be her secret buddy……

[kate111]

What your ex said about you has affected you badly. You feel like your trust in her has been broken. Trust, is something very hard to repair. Trust is what makes you give somebody the benefit of the doubt, now that you feel this has been damaged you are suspicious of her motives. This is why you are now questioning her statement about you two being seen together. Your trust in her is damaged.

 

Now before I go on and give some advice I think you should take with a grain of salt what Kerrie said about your ex. It may very well be true but you do have to be careful with second hand information. So just keep that in mind.

 

But, I am rejoicing now as I think your attitude is good and that you are finally making some progress. No contact is definitely what you need. Seeing her now would be like playing sport on an injured knee, it would only make it worse. Better to let that wound of yours heal away from the source which created it. Then once you have healed a bit and had some time to yourself, then you can decide whether you want to chase this ex again.

 

So whe wants to hang out with you as a friend but worries that people will see you together. I find that quite annoying and insulting. What does she care? The only reason I can think of for this is that she wants people to know she is available. Maybe she wants some guy to ask her out and doesn't want him to think that you guys are still together.

 

But IM not sure. Could be another reason I just can't think of right now.

 

Goodluck

[Leges39]

The only reason I can think of for this is that she wants people to know she is available. Maybe she wants some guy to ask her out and doesn't want him to think that you guys are still together.

 

OUCH!!!!

[Leges39]

Maybe it is because I have to break it off with the girl I am not totally into, maybe it is because I have been going out a lot and I am strung out, maybe it is because work is getting crazy, maybe it is because she finishes her hardest semester this week, maybe it is because I have a reason to see her with the earrings, maybe it is because I ignored a call from her to call her, maybe it is because she is right in the middle of finals and I can't really call her right this minute, maybe it is because I see girls that look like her everywhere I go, maybe it is because I shouldn't contact her for my own good, maybe it is because I feel we have lost trust in each other, maybe it is because I have not worked out in a week or so, maybe it is because my friends saw me out with this other girl last night, maybe it is because she is not including me in her time off, or maybe it is just because I miss relationships, but I have this feeling in my belly that I have not had in a while

 

Bottom line. I miss her and want to see her and don't want to believe she feels it is totally over between us. We have a wedding we are both going to in July. She finishes her program she "ended our relationship over" in November.

 

Guys, this is killing me right now. I am hurting…I miss her and what we have. I am totally still confused on what she thinks about our future. Do I ask her this week she has off? Do I take this opportunity while she is not thinking 100% school to see if things have changed?

[kate111]

NO you sit tight, be strong and wait...

 

Look at it this way:

 

When somebody is overweight they go on a diet. In the beginning they start to crave all the junk food which is not good for them. They are in serious pain missing all the culinary delights which they used to enjoy. They want those things even more for the sole reason that they aren't allowed any.

 

This dieter must stick to their objectives and try to eat healthily for their overall aim of getting to a healthy weight.

 

Similarly for you, you must be strong and not contact your ex. Contact with her is a quickfix which can make you feel good in the short term but it is not very good for the long term. You have a problem with being dependent on her right now and if you call her you are doing irrepairable damage.

 

Let her stew. If she doesn't miss you, then you can move on. If she does then you will soon know about it.

[Leges39]

Monday was difficult for me to call...sorry about that...and I didn't want to call you while you were in your finals...... when are you done?......Thursday?...you said something about partying for St. pat's....you probably have something going with your friends or friend from mas...

 

I will be hanging with Josh K. at Kelly's Pub in Chicago where wendy and bob and howie and rachel, etc will be.........we could try to meet up before you leave Friday, so call and I will see what I can do....Thursday somehow or maybe even Friday morning....either way I will be in and out quickly.....

 

otherwise, call when you get back if you want to hang out.... enjoy laccrosse...and the pregnant Allison.....

 

later.

 

p.s. i can always just mail them to you...what is your address?

 

Above was the email i was going to send to her....i will refrain from sending it now.....

[kate111]

I think you are doing the right thing by not sending that email.

 

Remember: She dumped you. So you are now only doing what you need to do (no contact) to protect your own heart, you are not doing this to hurt her. She must deal with that as a consequence of dumping you. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

 

Good luck.

[kate111]

You said:

I miss her and what we have.

 

Don't live in denial. You miss what you HAD. That statement should have been in past tense. The situation right now is one is which you are constantly thinking and worrying about her, pining over her and she has 100% control. A situation where you want her but she doesn't want you as much. A situation where she clearly doesn't desire you in the way which a lover should. Where she doesn't even want to be seen in public with you. Is this situation what you miss? Are you happy with what is going on? Are you deluded or what?

 

What you "have" is an exgirlfriend. You are not the one ruining "what you have". It is your ex who has done that when she dumped you. She obviously didn't value "what you had" as highly as you did.

 

Don't go back to that crummy situation. Say "no" to being her reliable dependable slightly pathetic ex.

 

You can change her views of you by remembering the facts of the situation right now whenever you are tempted to call her. Whenever you are tempted remind yourself that you need to take control and dictate what you want and deserve in your own life. Do not be at her beck and call, be your own man.

 

You need to get the message accross to her that you will not be second best and can live very well without her. You need her to realise that if she doesn't want you, then somebody else is going to be with you and appreciate you instead. In other words "use it or lose it!.

[Leges39]

Her last voice mail last night:

 

"Hey, its me. Are you avoiding me? I feel like you are. You acted a little weird on Sunday, when you called me. I don't know. I have been having kind of a rough week. I have had finals. I have two more tomorrow. I just wanted to talk to you about how they are going. Um. I don't know. Give me a call if you have a chance. Okay? Bye."

I guess she is now looking for a reason to talk, such as her finals, "I just wanted to talk to you about how they are going."

 

I spoke to my Improv friend again who is a couple's counselor. We were talking about relationships and something came up and right in the bar I got teary. It just hit me out of no where, and I thought I was done with that….anyhow, it was about proposals….she was telling me how her husband, years ago, on their one year dating anniversary told her she blew it when she started talking about a wedding before he even asked her to marry him…he evidently had the ring in his pocket and she had to wait then another six months.

 

I told her I had a similar situation when my ex expected me to ask her while in Scotland, so I chose to wait till my birthday six months later…I would have all my and her friends and family there at a bar I would rent out….she would know about the party, but she would not know that by the time she got to it, she would be engaged and then the party for me would turn into a party where she is the center of attention….i broke down when I told her I pictured her looking at me from accross the room as she shows people her ring, proud and in love.

 

My friend from Improv then told me she was going to give me some more "free" advice. She told me, in short, "put this relationship and your love for her in a box and put it on a shelf" "she will have to come to you and take it off the shelf" "don't respond to phone calls or emails" "she knows how to find you and if she wants what you want, she will find you" "let her physically come to you"

 

It drives me crazy to leave her high and dry and not answer her call. My friend told me, "you think that answering her call and being there for her is going to change things?" "It hasn't so far, so why bother." "You have done everything to let her know where you stand. You want to be a couple again and start a NEW relationship based on what you have both learned during this time away. She must meet you, not in the middle or by her, but where you are." "To you she is the one and she most likely knows that" "Take that and put it on the shelf for her to take down." "You can't keep taking it down, but she must go out of her way and take it down."

 

Come to think of it, during the beginning of our relationship, she did do everything she could to take that box down by seeking me out, getting my attention, and then doing everything she could to keep me around. Sometimes I think she built the box that I now have on the shelf.

[kate111]

Your friend is exactly right and you know it.

 

Ignore her calls. Don't worry if it seems you are avoiding her, cos you are.

 

She has to deal with that.

 

Trust me this is the right way. Do not give in.

[Mun]

….she was telling me how her husband, years ago, on their one year dating anniversary told her she blew it when she started talking about a wedding before he even asked her to marry him…he evidently had the ring in his pocket and she had to wait then another six months.

I told her I had a similar situation when my ex expected me to ask her while in Scotland, so I chose to wait till my birthday six months later….

 

I'm starting to wonder here if this engagement thing is about control... why not just bring the ring out and ask her to marry you when it came up in converstation-- the ring is in your pocket--and she wants that proposal... why wait longer ?? What's going to change in six months? I just don't get it.

 

It's good that your friend gave you that advice. It's basically the same thing we have been telling you on this thread, but maybe hearing from someone in your close circle ( who knows you well) will help bring it home.

 

I like the "put it on the shelf" thing.

[just jeff]

Your friends advice is spot on….in fact I am going to use it too. Makes perfect sense, I have let her know where I stand…and she knows how to reach me. I can't give you any sound advice…because I am in the same situation. But I do know this…time is a great healer, and time is on our side.

 

kate111 and muneca offer wise words…you (we) would do well to listen…

 

Stay safe in your journeys….

[Leges39]

I was called by my ex's best friend's husband who was visiting Chicago. He wanted to go out to a Chicago bar on st. pat's. we had planned on this, but he never called back later that day.

 

My guess is that he either thought he would be doing something with me and my ex and found out we were not talking or that she contacted him about a trip to visit his wife up north and he decided to just hang out with her.

 

Either way, I can't blame him for choosing her over me, if that is indeed what happened. I am a little bummed, because he could have called and just told me, but he probably didn't want to get in the middle of it and his wife probably pressured him to hang with her instead of me…that's cool….whatever…loyalty to friends it good.

 

i am starting to get a bit freeked out, thinking i am making a mistake and just beeing rude to her...maybe i am damaging the relationship more then helping it......will she call again? does she care? is she thinking about it?

[Leges39]

Well,

 

I think now that this string can now be sent to the "learning how to cope with a breakup" section.

 

She called my work phone and I picked up. I was caught off guard.

 

We ended up talking about us and how she is sick of telling me that what she feels she has been telling me all along. "Move On!!"

 

So, I hung on the phone with her with us both running out of time to be on the phone, kind of sitting in silence….not wanting to end the conversation as if it was ending the relationship that was already over. I was hanging on to something that I kind of new was over, but in denial using every little thing done or said by her to shore up that it was not.

 

She said she wants me to be a friend that she can talk to, maybe not every day, but once in a while to catch up, as I do with other female friends. And hang out every once in a while and have fun, as I do with other female friends.

 

This sucks guys…..this is incredibly hard for me…especially since I have so much going on at work.

 

I told her that really the only thing for me to do to deal with all of this is to not be involved with her until I am over her……she said she would like me around, but if that is what I need to do, then that is my decision and she will respect that.