Girlfriend Gaining Weight

[Contrigo]

I need some advice. This is a sensitive subject and I suspect I'm going to get flamed by some people. But for the other's I'd like to hear your advice. Over the last year, my girlfriend has been letting herself go physically and gaining weight. There is no medical issue or extenuating circumstances causing the weight gain. I hate to say, it's just plain laziness and carelessness. Bad eating, drinking beer and alcohol, and being inactive. It has gotten to the point it's killing my sex drive towards her. I'm a fit man and I take care of myself, because I believe it's important. Very early on when we were seeing each other, I expressed my belief that couples should not let themselves go once they get comfortable, that they should try to take care of themselves for their partner. I explained that I'm of the opinion that a lot of relationship failures are partly due to one or both people letting themselves go because they get too comfortable. That's not to say that we both have to look like models 24/7 but more so just clean living and self respect. So it's not like I'm just springing this on her out of nowhere. She's known I feel strongly about this right from when we were getting to know each other and she agreed and liked me for it. For the last 4 or 5 months I've used 'kid gloves' and tried to motivate her by helping her watch what she eats and get more active. I've tried to make it be about us like playing racquetball together and jogging together. I chose racquetball because she used to be a skilled racquetball player when she was younger and she likes it. I've been very gentle about it but I have dropped a lot of hints. Lately I've been a bit less tactful and just flat out been saying that she needs to go to the gym and take care of herself, not in a condescending way but in a concerned way. This still hasn't seemed to motivate much. I'm contemplating having to use blunt honesty, telling her that she's gaining too much weight and it's making me less and less sexually attracted. I don't want to go there if I can avoid it but she's not responding otherwise. How do I "shake her by the shoulders and wake her up"? I apologize in advance if I've offended anyone.

[InkedBrunette]

If you loved her, size wouldn't matter because you'd see her the person, not her flaws.

 

Using kid gloves, being more blunt - you're being a bit of a bully. No one needs to be picked on for size. This is her life and her body and in sorry to say it, but you have no rights here. Her lifestyle choices are hers to make , not yours. From the sounds of things you're both young with a lot of growing up ahead of you.

 

You're choices are pretty simple. You can stY with her and accept who she is, plan more active dates or you can leave. But you can't bully her about her weight. That's not your place nor your right.

[Realitynut]

I'm fat...but i'm old...and I'm going to use that as my excuse....and having 2 almost 10 pound babies in my 30's. With that being said, I hate it when they say, should you be eating that. Is that on your diet? You are getting fat.

 

What i like...and what you did, is say, hey lets go bike riding. Lets play racquetball. Let's go for a walk. Or when my ex and i would walk...I'd say...let's power walk up this hill. Or lets race. Make it fun. If a man ever made me feel like i wasnt sexy...I really became NOT sexy. When you said she gained weight...how much is MUCH weight. After having a kid...a lot of people aren't quite the sex kittens they were when they were 20. Actually if find it hard to maintain such a high standard!! lol

 

What does she say when you suggest doing things with her? Also, when my ex and i went out to eat, sometimes we split a meal....just to eat less.

 

I just had sex with someone who was very fat. The kissing was awesome and he made me feel so sexy. I just needed to keep my eyes closed....and told him to keep his closed too!

[Realitynut]

Bad eating, drinking beer and alcohol, and being inactive.

 

That will do it! Cut the drinking....start having FUN instead of boozing it up! Bad eating? Just work it off....

 

To me....drinking beer, boozing and just laying around is the WAAAY bigger issue for me than just gaining a few pounds. I still hike, go kayaking and stay active. Find something you could do together that is fun. The gym is boring....

[RainyCoast]

Totally seconding realitynut on everything!

I would look at the bigger picture here- it's not just her weight. It's that your preferred lifestyle is clean living and she's indulging in some quite unhealthy habits. I wouldn't bully her about the weight but rather investigate into why she's suddenly given up on the active healthy living.

I wouldn't be too sure she's just lazy or getting too comfortable. Rewind mentally, when did this start happening? What's been happening at her workplace, with her parents,siblings, friends...Also, have you, at any point prior to her "letting herself go" made her feel less attractive or made her think you were comparing her with someone else, shown too much attention to some really fit chick? It's a far shot but I'm mentioning it because it might have made her feel like her effort at staying as fit as she can was useless because her best shape isn't good enough for you and there will always be someone fitter you could find more attractive? If fitness is such a huge deal to you I still think her reaction would've been exaggerated but I can understand how she'd throw in the towel as in "i'll never be extremely fit and extremely fit is what you want". Did she use to be active because she liked activity or because she was trying to stay fit? What was it that initially motivated her to be active- because the inner motivation is the only one that can make her get off the couch again. It won't be, and it shouldn't be, to just please you. If she feels like that's what she has to do I would understand her not trying so hard.

 

i agree you did well to suggest activities together rather than just saying get your ass to the gym. How did she respond? If she didn't want to did you really ask much about why she's unenthusiastic?

I would think again about this her being "just lazy". there are plenty medical conditions out there that aren't very obvious or easily diagnosed but could add to the lack of energy.

But...she sounds depressed to be honest. I would be more worried about my SO's dysthymia or depression than the weight. Can you focus more on how she feels than how she looks? People don't just drop all their hobbies and activities and sit in a pathetic huddle on the sofa for no reason. What took her zest away? Find out.

 

Have another honest conversation about the importance of looks and your expectations. If this is something way more important to you than to her she probably will be somewhat insulted and will feel inadequate and will resent it that you condition the love with her appearance. But...if you're incompatible in that regard it's best to know sooner than later.

[missmarple]

How old are you both? How long have you been together? How much weight has she gained?

[lavenderdove]

Well, a lot here depends on how much weight she has gained and whether she is in the normal range or crossing the line into obesity.

 

I've dated guys who I called 'the fat police' because they expect their GFs to be as skinny as fashion models, most of whom are anorexic and severely underweight so it is not a realistic goal for most women unless they starve themselves. And they monitor everything that goes into your mouth and practically whip out the fat calipers if they see you eat a donut for fear that you're going to gain weight. So if you're complaining about a 5-10 lb weight gain, you're probably going overboard because women can and do easily fluctuate more in weight than men do because of hormonal issues that cause water weight gain and that ebbs and flows. And a woman shouldn't have to be anorectic or unhealthily underweight just because a guy wants a fashion model.

 

But if she has gained considerable weight, and you are a person who believes in a healthy lifestyle and are turned off by that, then all you can be is honest with her. Tell her that as you discussed when you first started dating her, physical activity and working out and healthy eating and living are extremely important to you, and you will not be compatible with a person who is not into the same things you are, so perhaps you need to consider other partners if this is the 'real' her and she is not interested in the same lifestyle/goals that you are. So you have to be prepared to actually leave her if this is important enough to you and you have no attraction to her. You can be friends with someone you are not attracted to, but you can't be their partner because you are expected to stay faithful to a partner and share intimacy with them.

 

But I would also suggest that perhaps you are not really in love with her if this bothers you. I know that when I am in love, I take the person as they are and am thrilled with them. I have dated men whose weight has fluctuated quite a bit (as many people's do), and honestly it didn't impact my desire for them. So perhaps this is a sign that your commitment to her just doesn't extend very deep. If you are truly in love, you don't care if the person is sick or their physical appearance changes, you just want the person and are thrilled to have them. So this might just be an indication that you don't love her enough to turn her into a permanent partner which also suggests you should be breaking up with her.

[JA0371]

Lets face it....,physical attraction is important! Not going to dog you about that. Sometimes people do get too complacent and lazy with their partners. It's one thing to gain a few pounds....it's another to get sloppy. Who doesn't want someone who is physically beautiful?? The problem is that regardless of that...you still have to love that person at their core, and not just for the outside. Trite as that sounds..looks fade!!

 

Does your gf make you happy? Do you love her? If you say no to either of these things, no amount of weight she loses will matter, because you're likely to find fault with something else about her. I know when I love someone...I find everything about them appealing. Or most things. So examine your real feelings for her..not just her weight.

[lavenderdove]

btw, certain types of birth control pills and other medications can seriously mess with people's appetite and weight. For example, if you're put on cortisone/prednisone, you can be eating the exact same thing you always ate and blow up like a balloon and gain massive amounts of weight because of the way the medication affects how the body stores fat and calories and water. And some medications can really stimulate appetite as well.

 

So if she's gone on birth control pills since she met you (or changed them) or taken medications, it could be responsible for a lot of this, and she needs to go to her doctor and asked to be switched to someone else if possible, or switch methods to get off b.c. pills.

 

And mental state can affect weight as well. Many people who are depressed or a lot of stress are well known to either gain a lot of weight or lose a lot of weight at either end of the spectrum due to the depression. So perhaps she needs a medical checkup or adjustment of her medications if she is taking any.

[Ayanokōji]

Very early on when we were seeing each other, I expressed my belief that couples should not let themselves go once they get comfortable, that they should try to take care of themselves for their partner. I explained that I'm of the opinion that a lot of relationship failures are partly due to one or both people letting themselves go because they get too comfortable. That's not to say that we both have to look like models 24/7 but more so just clean living and self respect. So it's not like I'm just springing this on her out of nowhere. She's known I feel strongly about this right from when we were getting to know each other and she agreed and liked me for it.

 

You've made it clear to her right from the start and you've not deviated from what you said so I think this justifies that shes definitely getting too comfortable, you need to make it clear to her that this is a deal breaker and she needs to change if she wants to continue the relationship.

[lavenderdove]

btw, if you are honest with her, be prepared for the freak out. As in accusations that you don't love her or you're shallow etc. And maybe the answer to that is that you don't love her enough to accept that the 'real' her is an obese person. and cop to that, as in telling her, 'I wish I were the kind of person who would be attracted to you regardless of your weight, but this really bothers me because I see it as being sloppy and inattentive to your health and an incompatible lifestyle, so it really bothers me and I can't get past it.'

 

If you've been fully honest with her and she turns it into an attack on you and makes it clear she has no intention of losing weight and getting back into a physical lifestyle, then you will have to do the hard thing and break up and move on.

[Iggles]

Tell her that as you discussed when you first started dating her, physical activity and working out and healthy eating and living are extremely important to you, and you will not be compatible with a person who is not into the same things you are, so perhaps you need to consider other partners if this is the 'real' her and she is not interested in the same lifestyle/goals that you are. So you have to be prepared to actually leave her if this is important enough to you and you have no attraction to her. You can be friends with someone you are not attracted to, but you can't be their partner because you are expected to stay faithful to a partner and share intimacy with them.

 

Everyone presents their best face in the early months of the relationship. Her getting too comfortable may be her returning to her usual ways and habits now that she isn't actively looking to attract a guy for a relationship.

[Unreasonable]

IMO, don't go the "you're fat and I'm not attracted to you anymore" route. Even if you DO manage to survive that, it's going to burn into her brain like a cattle brand and is gonna be a source of many, many fights down the road.

 

Look, you seem like a fitness nut. That's fine. However, a fitness nut insisting that their S.O. also be a fitness nut is simple incompatibility. I'd leave her if this is SUCH a big deal to you.

 

As others have said, looks fade, women tend to gain weight after babies, and unless she's morbidly obese, your relationship's foundation is built of sand if you can't love her anyway. Just be done with it.

[shes2smart]

But I would also suggest that perhaps you are not really in love with her if this bothers you. I know that when I am in love, I take the person as they are and am thrilled with them. I have dated men whose weight has fluctuated quite a bit (as many people's do), and honestly it didn't impact my desire for them. So perhaps this is a sign that your commitment to her just doesn't extend very deep. If you are truly in love, you don't care if the person is sick or their physical appearance changes, you just want the person and are thrilled to have them. So this might just be an indication that you don't love her enough to turn her into a permanent partner which also suggests you should be breaking up with her.

 

I agree with this and this is also describes what my personal experience has been.

 

After reading many threads on this board, as a female, I realize how freakin' lucky I've been to have been involved with that vast majority of the men I've been involved with...particularly when it comes to weight issues.

 

The long-term relationships I've had in particular saw me through some extreme swings in weight - both up and down - and no matter how I felt about myself at any point, how those particular partners felt about me/my body was never in question and I was never shamed, belittled or disrespected by them due to weight fluctuations.

[Natasha24]

I agree with this. Most people don't just "let themselves go" for no reason. Is she having trouble with work or family? Is she stressed? Did you do or say something that made her feel less sexy? Are all of her friends super skinny (and "eat whatever they want")? Doing activities together is a good idea, but I don't think being blunt is going to get you results. She's going to be offended.. I don't see that situation working out well for you. I'm not sure what else you could do though.

 

I also agree with lavenderdove - maybe you are not as much in love as you think. When I look back at pictures from exboyfriends over the years, their weights and looks would go up and down, but that never changed how I felt about them. One of my exes went from a muscular 215 to a quite heavy 300. I still loved him and was attracted to him.

 

I think there's a lot you need to think about here. Maybe this relationship isn't what you thought it was.

[amipushy]

You have told her over and over in many different ways how you feel now back off and give her the time and space for her to do this for herself without feeling bullied into it. Right now your comments must hurt and she is probably thinking if you loved me you'd love me whatever size I am. She may even be thinking about dumping you because you are such a pain in the ass keeping on about it. So this has to be her decision and keeping on about it only hurts more and grinds you down. Back off!

[Mesemene]

I have to agree that if this is relatively new, there may be something deeper going on, physically or mentally. I get the impression from you saying "the past year" that you guys have been a couple for several years - where that year is a relatively new occurrence - so what's changed recently that might change her attitudes?

 

Going from self-care to self-neglect and heavy substance use (alcohol) - I'd definitely worry that there's something more than just laziness up - and the apparent "laziness" is a symptom of a larger issue rather than a stand alone thing. Has your lifestyle or schedules changed drastically? Do you guys live together, where taking a healthy cooking/eating class and cooking meals together would be possible? Are there other fitness classes she might be willing to explore with you, like yoga?

 

I would also point out - trying to stay fit and trim for someone else - it doesn't work. She has to really want it for herself to feel better about herself both physically and mentally to stay motivated. Take it from someone who's dropped about 45 pounds relatively recently - it's way too easy to decide you don't give a dam what someone else thinks, especially on bad days. The results have to be worth it at a pretty deep personal level to keep good habits and not backslide.

 

I'd also examine your own feelings and really think how much of the turn off stems from the weight - and how much from the apparent don't-give-a-crap-about-myself attitude. I know for me, someone can be relatively thin and if they have that attitude, which tends to extend to less than great grooming, hygeine, dress, and area maintenance - that for me is a turn off. Where someone with some extra padding but who obviously cares about their appearance and impression - they can still come accross as quite attractive.

 

Would her drinking and current tendencies/attitude be a turn off if she was one of those people who doesn't gain weight?

 

And conversely, if she had an imbalance that was causing some weight gain, but was very dedicated to staying healthy and fit - would the weight be an issue at all, or would the overall "her" be more attractive to you?

 

Might seem like it doesn't matter - but it's really important, because if she makes some superficial physical changes for you but still doesn't really care - the attraction might still be absent.

[1a1a]

My partner wanted me to change things about myself that I couldn't and in the end I just felt ugly and gross through his eyes. If you love her, don't make your staying with her conditional (aka I will only keep dating you if you lose weight). It Will burn into her mind like a cattle brand and never leave and probably kill her libido for you in the process. Do her a favour and split instead, love should be unconditional.

[amylacc]

Do her a favor and dump her. No one needs anyone this judgmental in their life.

 

Nobody just "lets themselves go" on purpose. Some underlying issue like stress or even depression may be at work here.

[Ms Darcy]

As someone who was morbidly obese a decade ago, lost the weight without surgery, and has kept it off you might think I will attack you. I will not.

 

Physical attraction matters. So I don't think this stuff about "you should love me no matter how I look" is valid. If she gained weight for a medical reason but she was exercising and eating well I suspect you would be more concerned about the medical issue.

[Ms Darcy]

I just want to add to my earlier post:

 

As someone who was morbidly obese a decade ago, lost the weight without surgery, and has kept it off you might think I will attack you. I will not.

 

Physical attraction matters. So I don't think this stuff about "you should love me no matter how I look" is valid. Sometimes people just lose motivation. They feel stressed, depressed, anxious. Not moving or eating right can simply be easier. But I think of it this way ... dude falls in love with a girl who is a size 4, eats healthy, and exercises and after a year she's a size 16, eats junk food, and sweets that's a pretty severe change. It does suggest that there as a bit of a "bait and switch."

 

If she gained weight for a medical reason but she was exercising and eating well I suspect you would be more concerned about the medical issue.

 

But in my opinion, I think there are people who struggle with eight (me for example) and some people who don't. That doesn't mean that the latter group will not gain weight; they may gain some. But they aren't going to fluctuate based on stressed or non-medical factors.

 

You are not compatible with me. You need a woman who has a more stable look. There ARE women like this. I see women in their 60s who are still fairly slim and trim because that's their type. No reason to go after a woman who is not like that. Then you don't have hound the person because she will more naturally stay fit and (ideally) have a healthy living style.

[cosmicpurple]

As a girl who has always has to work hard to stay in good shape (and i am), i can say from experience that sometimes in life it gets old. It takes a lot of constant effort, i have to eat right most of the time, go to the gym 3 or more times a week. It can exhausting and i have had times when i just want to give up and stop trying. She may be at that point and needs a push.

 

I know that i would be mortified, angry, and hurt if a BF told me i was unattractive because i put on some weight. So i would highly suggest not taking that route. It did sound like you have been doing all the right things when it comes to trying to motivating her. Keep that up and make it about health.

 

Some suggestions; Plan that all your dates and together time are active and make it different kinds of fun activities. If she doesn't want to go, tell her you really want to do this and want to do it with her, even ask her to do it so you have company. Tell her its important to spend this out of the house time together to strengthen your relationship (it likely will too). Start cooking for her, healthy and tasty meals. I find that if good food is ready for me to eat, i'll eat it happily, even if i was craving something bad. Have more sex (i know you said you were less attracted.. but it burns a lot!). Get a dog and start walking it. Join an active class together. Make plans with friends that are harder for her to break. Do things where you can't drink much (if thats an issue).

 

And one big tip, as SOON as you see a result or any weight loss compliment the heck out of her. Tell her how amazing she looks and how attracted it makes you to her. This works much better than telling her you aren't now.

 

Hope that is a little helpful

[Realitynut]

OP has never said how much gf gained. If she went from a size 4 to a size 8.....and not a size 14...then that is a big difference. But it can keep going up and up. Once you got those dang fat cells, they are there forever. They just shrink like a raisin...waiting for any fat to float on by to plump back up into a nice fat "fat cell' like a grape. ugh

 

If she had washboard abs and now has a layer of fat over it...no big deal to me...but if it is to you....then that may be your problem.

[Ms Darcy]

That's true ... it depends on the amount of gain.

[Fudgie]

It depends a lot on the amount of gain.

 

If OP is complaining about 5-10lb gain over a longer period of time, I'd be more inclined to tell him to deal with it and learn that fluctuations like that happen to EVERYONE.

 

However, if she gained a LOT in a short amount of time, it could be medical and she could need some serious help, not your ridicule. She may need to be encouraged to see a doctor ASAP. Just hitting the gym may not help and she may require some care.

 

But, if she put a lot on in conjunction with bad habits (eating badly, no exercise) that were NOT there when you started dating, then it's likely a bait 'n' switch. I honestly don't understand why some people do that. It's pointless. If that's the case, there's not much you can do. She readied herself to find a guy by getting fit, eating right, etc. but it may not have been HER true self, and now that she "has" you, she feels free to go back to how she wants to live her life.

 

So without more information, sorry, I can't really tell.

 

If you suspect a bait 'n' switch, then you need to decide if you actually want to stay with her or not. Physical attraction is important. If she "tricked" you into thinking that she cared about her health and she actually doesn't, then it's not right of her and you should not feel bad about going out and finding someone who is more into health and fitness like you are.