How do you know if you're being emotionally abused in a relationship?

[Firiel]

Fudgie, so much of what you are saying reminds me of my own feelings and insecurities with B. I know that every situation is different, but feel free to PM me if you'd like. About self-harm. My therapist told me that all things besides suicide are coping skills. Some are just healthier than others. She told me that instead if beating myself up for beating myself up (ha ha!) I should ask myself why I am my healthy coping skills aren't enough anymore and why I am having to resort to less healthy coping skills I haven't had to use in years. That idea completely changed my perspective on why I do a lot of what I do.

[Seraphim]

It is also probably not good to mix people with severe problems in relationships with each other. Although those with severe problems tend find others with severe problems. And overall it is really not a good match. I also think too that somebody you poured your heart and soul out to as a friend discussing all the problems with your family is probably not a good match as romantic partner. A romantic partner shouldn't have "dirt on your family" so to speak. That leads to deep conflicts which you are experiencing now.

[penelope13]

It's time to be selfish as well as honest and realistic: N may have a lot of issues of his own, may project them onto you, may have unreasonable demands at times (I actually don't think it's unreasonable of him not wanting to have to compete with your father on a romantic level! If this was an ex you were still emotionally hung up about, everyone would consider his asking for you to distance yourself quite the norm) - however I think despite all of that he is good for you at the moment. Not only has he been a good partner to you outside this issue, but he is also challenging you to personal growth in regards to your interaction with your family (he might not go about it the best way, but nevertheless) which you wouldn't do if you were single.

 

You mentioned many times that if you were to split up from N, you would consider becoming closer and more intertwined with your family again, even considering living with them again. That is not really in your best long term interest until you have emotionally separated from them sufficiently.

 

I know you could consider remaining in a relationship with someone for the benefit of receiving emotional support and strength selfish if you don't know what your long term plans with this person are, however, he is also benefiting from the relationship with you. It's clear that he wants to be with you and although his way of dealing with your family are not what you want, he is clearly expressing his love for you.

 

Of course in an ideal world, everyone would work out their individual issues when they are single, in their own time and only enter a relationship when they are emotionally healthy and the partner in question is also emotionally healthy. While a nice ideal - it's very far from reality or feasibility for many people. It is human to not be able to deal with all issues by yourself, even when you have professional support, but to want support from a partner, even if the partner is not actively involved in your path of dealing with your personal issues, but more someone you can lean on to derive enough energy, comfort and support to be able to face your personal inner demons by yourself.

 

Things are hardly ever black and white in life. While you are willing to forget/suppress the inner turmoil that is caused by your family/father because you don't want to give up on him, do you want to judge N more harshly and demand from him that he is perfect in all aspects? You have described many times that outside of the family interaction issue, he has been a good partner to you. He clearly expressed that you are his number one priority. When this ex-interest (not even sure if she is an ex) tried to get in touch with him, he has proven every step of the way that he is not interested in anyone but you, he calls you his family, he clearly does not abuse you - these are many great qualities in a partner.

 

The relationship may not be forever, but I think at the moment it's more beneficial for you than not. Yes he forces you to rethink your interaction, but honestly, I don't think it's a bad thing, because you wouldn't do it for yourself. Sometimes you need outside forces/people to push you to a limit that you wouldn't approach by yourself.

 

This may sound a bit harsh: but waiting for your parents to die and only then to consider to deal with the issues is a cowardice way. Yes, many people do so. But mainly because they don't even realize and don't possess the ability and strength to self reflect and take the necessary steps. But you are a very strong and intelligent person. You would do yourself injustice by deciding just to bury your head in the sand and not deal with the EI and the effect it has on your entire being. Is it going to be easy? No, unfortunately not. Is it fair that you have to deal with this? No, unfortunately not. However, that is the reality for you and we can only try to deal with it to the best of our abilities.

 

Of course it's confusing to receive so many contradicting opinions and advice. But ask yourself if separating from N would really increase or decrease your unhappiness. Is it a question of N not being the right person for you, or is the biggest issue independent of N (every new potential partner would also not want to romantically compete with your father). Forget for the time being what is better for N. He is a big boy and if he is too unhappy with the relationship he can end it, i.e. leave that decision to him. Just think about what is better for YOU. Don't try to think about years down the line, but focus on the now. You just moved into a new and bigger place with him, clearly signifying that you are hoping and believing that this relationship can progress for the time being.

 

If at the moment you are happier in a relationship with N than the prospect of being single - then give the relationship more time. You don't have to decide this moment for all the future moments to come.

[Fudgie]

I've read all that you guys said...I am taking it all into account, really, I am. I'll respond more in detail later.

 

I find myself only coming back to this thread/my inbox a couple times a day, in short spurts. I'm still in a very deep depression over this. It hurts to think about. I try not to think about it. I just want to distract myself. I find myself trying to fill my mind with inane thoughts when I start to feel bad.

 

I've been eating less (doesn't do much for my weight, go figure), I sleep more, getting more into my work, trying to distract myself...talking to both of my parents more while at the same time, I feel myself withdrawing inward.

 

I was supposed to have a therapy session today but I had to cancel it yesterday because I honestly don't feel like I can handle talking about this in person anymore, to anyone.

 

But it's been so long, and I still feel like if I let myself, I could burst into tears at ANY moment if I allowed myself. It's a horrible feeling. I can't stand how I feel and I'm wondering how much longer I can deal with this.

 

I wish I were never born.

[ParisPaulette]

Hugs Fudgie, I wish you all the best whatever happens. You're changing, because you are becoming older and growing into the person that you are with a bit of experience under your belt. That maybe scares N and if he has the issues he has with family then it's going to be doubly hard for him to understand why you want a relationship with your parents when he never had one with his, not a healthy one anyways. As to N's therapist, maybe ask your therapist to talk some sense into the guy? Why on earth he would ever support that and call himself a therapist is beyond me, unless N has told him things that while maybe not false are skewed so he thinks it's a good thing, but it's not. Can you perhaps show N this thread or take what you've said in these threads and write him a letter, let him know what he is doing is hurting you so badly and that it is indeed threatening the best relationship either of you have ever had? Would that change anything? Just a thought of what I would do if it was me.

 

I totally get why you won't end your relationship with your parents and I applaud your decision not to. I had a pretty rough relationship with my folks at times thruoghout our shared history, like you I was Daddy's girl even though again we had a love/hate relationship many times too since my dad was an alcoholic and as a teenager I couldn't understand what he was going through and felt he just wanted to party instead of be home with his family. When I grew up enough to forgive and reach out to them, to mend the past, it was one of the best things I've ever done. My father has been gone now for ten years and my only regret is not spending more time with him back when he was alive. So this summer when my mother needed help I jumped at the chance to bring her to my place for the summer whenever I could as well as run back and forth from my place to hers. It wasn't easy, I spent more time on the road than off it this summer and all while trying to run a ranch and work too. But in the end it's something again I'll never regret. And you won't either. They are your parents, you love them, they love you, seize the time with them while you have it. Tell N to stop projecting his own famiy issues on you. And the father has nothing to do with dating older men, that's more something you like me probably did because frankly when you're young an older man is a pretty good deal when you put him next to a beer-swilling fratboy. Or at least that's what I always thought and it's why I dated older men too until the day the guys were mature enough in my own age bracket to consider--i.e. when I hit my 40s in my case.

 

I wish there were more I could tell you, but honestly I'd probably do what you're already doing if it was me. Keep talking to your therapist, keep seeking help for the depression and the suicidal ideations too while you and N work through this. And just maybe your therapist can call N's therapist up and smack some sense into that boy's head. (Said in a southern accent) Seriously.

[Wayfara]

You say you haven't wanted sex with N for two months. You made a thread asking if your relationship is emotionally abusive. You also say you feel like he deserves someone better than you. It seems to me that you are swimming in a mixture of shame and gratitude in this relationship. Your partner should be a positive source in your life, not make you feel so unworthy that you have to feel thankful that he, despite himself, even wants to be in it.

 

Being challenged is good but the way he goes about it, calling it sick, saying you father a paedophile, telling you your father doesn't love you, constantly checking up on you when you are with your family, interrogating you afterwards, blowing up at bare mention of your father, that is going overboard and only wears down your self esteem and takes your energy. I am sure the intentions are good but incessantly hearing it's sick it's no wonder you are feeling like damaged goods. Shame is not a good motivator, shame makes people depressed and depression sucks out your energy, and to change your life you need a lot of energy.

 

Having a partner that puts you down makes life so much harder to live, especially if you are living together. You are not ready to dispose of your family so he needs to accept that or break up. Hoping to change your mind by repeating it's sick is not an alternative, not a healthy one, it's only going to wear you down your sense of self worth even more and to make changes you need build yourself up. So while it's understandable why he feels the way he feels he knew this thing from the beginning and if this isn't something he can deal with without blowing up on you he has accept that he can't be a good boyfriend to you and let you work this issue by yourself without having to worry about him.

 

As you have said in this thread you are not going to stop seeing your family and that current situation with N blowing up on you is putting you on the brink of suicide I would tell him you are not going to stop seeing your family and ask him if this is something he can deal with without making it a constant cause for arguments (as long you are not overstepping bounderies of course and continue working on this issue with therapy). If the answer is yes, great, but if it is no (even if it's yes he will stay with you but no, he will continue to blow up about it) then you have no choice but to leave him in my opinion, the current situation isn't healthy for you.

[Fudgie]

Just wanted to let you guys know that since I'm moving in the next day or so, my cable/internet service is being shut off soon at the current place. I should have it back within the next 2 days since I arranged early to have someone come out and connect it.

 

I am reading everything you guys are writing to me, both on here and in PMs, 100%. I am processing everything. I am not throwing anything away and I am not discounting anything that anyone has had to say. I am very conflicted inside like Wayfara said, but that's to be expected because things are complicated, but I know that the advice I get has also been conflicted...again, that's okay and I expect that.

 

I am so, so, so sorry that I am not yet to the point where I feel like I can respond individually. It's so much to take in and I am still feeling like complete s___t.

 

Again, I'm so sorry and I hope you all will be patient with me. I really appreciate being able to come on here and when I feel okay, I'll go through the thread and read past responses and even my past PM messages, again, again, and again because while it does hurt, it does seem to help on some level.

 

My intake has been rather poor and I am eating only one "real" meal a day these days. Usually in the afternoon. My appetite is almost all gone. It's funny...at my weight, you'd think I'd have issues with emotional eating. NOPE. I get super depressed, I just don't want to eat much anymore. N has been trying to get me to eat more. Emotionally, I'm in pieces but I am working hard to not let that show. I am used to having dark clouds over my head but this is something that is taking an enormous toll on every single aspect of my life. It's like instead of a rain cloud, a noxious cloud of mustard gas is always around and it just chokes me internally and I can't get away. I feel very suffocated and trapped in an internal prison. I am trying to adjust.

 

 

Sorry I don't mean to sound like a total pity party. I don't how to get to a point where I can go through a whole day without fantasizing about suicide. How do I do that? My meds are not helping me at all with this one.

[Seraphim]

Darling please look after yourself. I care.

[Fudgie]

Vic I am trying but it's so hard. If I don't want to eat, I won't eat. I'll feel nauseous. I just want to keep my head afloat. Sleeping alone has been hard for me.

[Seraphim]

Awwww I wish we could meet up and I'd give ya a big hug. Everything will be okay , it will.

[petite]

Can you speak to your therapist and perhaps just tell him/her how you're feeling? That is if you feel like talking of course. Of course it's hard to feel like you do, but if you do get to a point where you're doing things to hurt yourself, please reach out to a professional, even your parents. You shouldn't deal with it all alone and don't let anyone try and make you feel bad! What you feel is important, and don't allow anyone, to make you feel worthless or that your feelings and needs/wants aren't justified.

[Fudgie]

At this point, only N and you guys know that I am struggling with suicidal feelings. I haven't felt suicidal in many years, last time was when my meds were screwed up in my teens. I feel awful that I am struggling now while ON meds.

 

I am hesitant to tell a therapist because I work in healthcare - I know what happens to people who admit to such feelings. They all end up committed. I'm all for that with OTHER people but me getting committed would ruin EVERYTHING, my career, it would forever be in my medical record and everyone would treat me differently for it (I know, because I work in healthcare), it would ruin my personal life, etc. It would force everything into the open.

 

I have thought about telling my dad. I don't want to hurt my mom.

 

Just to be clear, I currently don't feel like actually hurting myself but I am finding myself toying/fantasizing with the idea in my head at times because I am in so much pain. That's it.

 

A few days ago, when this all came to fruitation, I actually felt EXTREMELY suicidal and would have easily qualified for some sort of inpatient care, but I kept myself safe and pushed through it the best I could because there's no way in hell I'm going. I know what those places are like.

 

I've taken care of suicidal people. They strip you of your normal clothes and make you sleep on plastic beds with plastic sheets, with plastic pillows. You aren't allowed to call anyone. You aren't allowed to have your own food. They usually watch you with cameras in the room, so no privacy. You have to ask permission to use the toilet.

 

I will forever be in support of suicidal people going into safe care but I would never let it happen for me.

[petite]

As long as you're just being careful. Please don't do anything to harm yourself, that's all I'm saying. One of my friends was in a facility for about 6 weeks, and it was very scary to think how far her attempt took her.

 

But I do understand not wanting something on your record, that's one of the biggest reasons why I see my therapist privately and pay out of pocket rather than go through insurance.

 

If you do feel like you're on the verge of hurting yourself, at the very least post here.

[Fudgie]

Okay, I can deal with that.

 

I see my therapist privately too. Well, insurance does help pay but I don't care about that, therapy can be explained away and I have a whole list of "acceptable" answers that I give when asked. But yeah, I don't go to a therapist at the hospital or even connected with the hospital....I don't want people to know or look it up or see that I go. My medical record is currently free of all that.

 

I will post here, yes.

[penelope13]

Just give yourself time and take care of yourself!

 

If coming back to this thread (and other messages) gives you some kind of comfort, that's a great thing, since it indicates the answer you are seeking is somewhere there, even though it hasn't risen to the surface yet. Be patient with yourself - when you are ready, YOUR answer will become obvious to you.

 

Always here to listen

[abitbroken]

Fudgie - I take it that you will tell your dad about the suicidal thoughts = that you are okay with that, am I right? But, you are protecting dad at all costs from telling him the meat of the matter - about emotional incest, etc? Correct? You are willing to protect dad from that to the point where it is causing you emotional stress and harm. That at least is what my impression is.

[Fudgie]

I haven't told him, not sure if I will.

 

I feel like yes, I am protecting him and my mom and everybody and it's eating me alive.

[penelope13]

I feel like yes, I am protecting him and my mom and everybody and it's eating me alive

 

You can't sustain yourself when you take on responsibilities for others, that they need to take care for themselves. Your first responsibility is to protect yourself, before thinking of protecting others.

[itsallgrand]

Just wanted to say right now that I'm wishing you lots of love, and a reprieve from all the stress at least for a few days. Please don't forget how special a person you are. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

Will add more later. Mostly wanted you to know I care.

[NymphaeaLilly]

Fudgie, the biggest priority right now is for you to stay safe and stop having suicidal thoughts.

 

Promise us you won't do anything harmful to yourself!!!

 

I think you really need to talk to your therapist about this. If you do something to yourself than you'll be committed 100%. Right now you just have thoughts, a lot of people entertain those thoughts when they feel like they are not able to deal with problems that overwhelmed them. Not everybody who have suicidal thoughts is committed. Besides, your LIFE is more important than everything else!!!

 

It's best if you stop preoccupying yourself with thoughts of EI and all the guilt you feel. Put those problems in a "mental drawer" for now and focus on getting better. Go out of the apartment, visit some friends, go to gym, do whatever makes you feel good about yourself. I think you should avoid your father for now coz afterwards you'll probably only feel worse and more guilty.

Try planning your whole days in advance and that way you can minimize chances of feeling useless and therefore hopeless which is one of the biggest triggers of suicidal thoughts.

 

And STOP feeling guilty for everything bad in your and others life, you haven't done anything to warrant those feelings!!!

[Patrick974]

Dating a borderline is like being ambushed on an emotional roller coaster all day every day. One minute, you're the greatest thing ever, but over the most trivial thing, you're their worst enemy the next minute.

 

Their need for acceptance makes them fickle.

[Fudgie]

I think you are in the wrong thread, Patrick. No BPD here.

 

I moved into the new place with N. Happened to see my dad last night as I was seeing my mom. Everything went okay.

 

Last night, I laid down to sleep and had a crazy dream. I dreamt I was marrying N. I was in a white dress. In some bridal suite. I kept feeling like something was missing.

 

Then a weird twist happened. Someone told me that my dad got into a car wreck on the way to the wedding and died. I lost my mind. I was about to call off the wedding when my dad showed up. I was so relieved. The wedding commenced but I couldn't get myself to let go of his hand as he handed me off. I just gripped it and remained. I don't remember N's face. My dad looked at me and said "You need to do what makes you happy." Still holding his hand, I turned around and left.

 

I woke up.

[metrogirl]

Dreams like that are so frightening, but it's telling at the same time.

 

How do you feel today?

[Silverbirch]

I actually think it is a very positive dream Fudge. It is about you recognising your need to "let go" of your father and loosen the emotional bond - even if you are struggling with that right now and it's frightening to you, I think it shows a real self-awareness.

[Fudgie]

I don't think it's positive at all. I left (turned away from N) and left him while holding my dad's hand. I see nothing positive about that.