How do you know if you're being emotionally abused in a relationship?

[Fudgie]

I guess the end part is that I really don't know how to live life without my dad. I'm scared to live life without him. He is an integral part of who I am.

 

This sounds really creepy and incest-y, I know.

 

If he is gone, what am I? I don't know.

 

I can't bear the thought of him dying, or even getting older. My skin gets all clammy when I think about it. I can't even think about it. There's 1,000,000 nasty, gory things I'd rather think about then think about my dad dying.

My mom too, but to a lesser extent.

 

N accused me when I was 18 (N was 17 at the time) of being "in love with my father" and I guess in a way, even though it's not really romantic (although when I was in my teens, it sort of was) I guess nothing has really changed.

 

I'm so stupid.

[chitown9]

Fudge, I know that you have a therapist and N has a therapist, but have you ever gone to couples counseling with a different therapist other than yours or N's? ...chi

[penelope13]

what is the guilt about?

[Lorem Ipsum]

It looks to me like your boyfriend believes you should adopt the same way to solve problems that he does -- someone isn't behaving the way you want, cut them out. To a certain extent, you are reinforcing that idea by not wanting anything to do with his family, although in your case, you aren't demanding that he drop them like he is with you.

 

I guess my question is, why doesn't he think he's a priority? You live together, it's not like every time one of your parents calls with a sob story you're running over there, five times a day. IMO, the amount of contact you have with your parents is pretty reasonable, especially if they are elderly. So long as you're following your own rules for him and not divulging every dark and dirty secret between you and your boyfriend to them, I just don't get it.

 

And if he's this set against being anything other than priority #1 in your life, it's a good thing he doesn't want to have kids. That would totally destroy him, the amount of time and energy you would have to devote to them.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Fudge,

I hope you feel better after speaking with your therapist. Well, I will be the first to admit that I seem to be a "bit" of a flop in the relationship department, but just something I thought when I was reading your posts here. I could hear that song in my mind of Carly Simon - "We Have No Secrets". I know that people need to trust each other, but I've come to the conclusion from my previous relationships, that I am going to keep part of myself for myself. I am not going to tell any person - except perhaps a therapist - every single thing about my family or myself. I don't want to know everything about a partner's family and even though there are some things I think people should tell each other, I think there are some things you don't have to share.

 

In previous relationships, I felt betrayed when I had disclosed things about family members which I felt where then either used against me or the person who I cared about. For example, I had told G something about my son - which was really none of G's business - and then G said some very unfairly judgemental things about my son. When I think of that - I feel less respect for G - and I'm annoyed with myself for disclosing that info in the first place. (G is my ex who I had broken up with when I came to ENA almost two and a half years ago - and he was also a clinical psychologist). In my present relationship with D, even though things have been far from perfect, I've never felt that type of stress with him about disclosure - not so far anyway. It is partly because I disclose less, but he is the sort of person who will say: "Well, that's your business, and you have to do what's right for you - and the same goes for me - I do what I want."

 

I dunno, I guess people all have different ideas about what constitutes intimacy and levels of closeness, but I would find it extremely difficult being in a relationship where so much was disclosed. I guess that is a boundary issue.

 

When you talk about your relationship with your father, I am getting the impression that you felt there were not appropriate boundaries with regard to disclosure about personal information, and just wondering, and not saying I am saying you should say here or not, whether that pattern is sort of repeating here - too much closeness, too much disclosure.

 

Anyway, I think maybe that might be worthwhile discussing with your therapist.

[NymphaeaLilly]

I think you need to read this: link removed

 

Thing that got my attention is what's said about Spouse of Chosen Child (7th page), I think that describes N's position perfectly and when you see it like that it's completely understandable to get why he acts this way.

 

You need to DO something about EI asap or it's going to ruin your relationship with N, who IMO was very patient for a very long time, I'm not sure how many partners would stick with you for so long. It's time to GROW UP and deal with this problem or it's going to follow you for the rest of your life no matter who's your partner.

 

Sorry if I sounded harsh.

[Fudgie]

Has there ever been anyone who has learned to overcome emotional incest and had a happy life and relationship?

 

The more I talk and the more I read, the less hope I have for myself. I am not sure if I can overcome this and be the partner that N deserves.

[Fudgie]

That PDF you posted....God, it's my life. It's my whole life in one stupid PDF file. It's crazy.

[penelope13]

I strongly believe that any problem can be overcome - if you are really committed to the change

[Fudgie]

I liked the PDF...The "Recovery" section seemed a little weak. I'm having trouble on finding out on how to actually get OVER EI. Lots of stuff about identifying it. Not much about curing it or truly getting over it.

 

I'm not sure if I am capable of getting over it.

 

I am seriously, seriously considering emotionally preparing myself to end my relationship and resign to my fate because honestly, that's how I feel. It's so engrained. I am very much broken but I can't be glued back together.

 

N doesn't deserve this.

[Fudgie]

I strongly believe that any problem can be overcome - if you are really committed to the change

 

But HOW do you change it? Nothing can find really tells me!

 

How many drugs am I going to have to take to numb myself from the pain? It seems like lots of people with EI are on lots of medication just to deal. Well, I'm already well on my way!!

 

How many hours will I end up working a week to distract myself from the fact that I'm going to be alone?

 

How much "positive thinking" BS am I going to have to do to pretend that my life is worthwhile?

 

 

I am truly stuck, am I? Where is the way out of this? I've hit a dead end and I realize this now and I can't stop crying.

 

At 23, I realize that I'm going to be stuck. I've found my "bent penny". If licfe is a stack of pennies, I'll never be able to make it past a low number because my bent penny will always make them fall over. AND I CAN'T FIX IT. I aM DOOMED.

[Fudgie]

im posting a new thread. I need to get help.

[Fudgie]

actualy, no, screw it, i need to go to the hospital and talk to someone asap. I printed the pfd and its coming with me. i am confronting my father and i want him to know now how much pain im in.

 

i truly want to die now and if i stay here in my room i will just want to die more. i feel so helpless and hopelesss . i am not sure if i can change but i need help so i am leaving to get help now.

 

Ill write later but I need to go and get better. pleaase dont worry.

[iamkaylee]

Oh Fudgie. I wish I'd checked in here a bit earlier.

I think everything penelope & NymphaeaLilly posted is right on the money.

 

I sent you a PM, I hope it helps.

[Cheetarah]

Honey, I wish I could offer something of use to you. You are evidently in so much pain. I don't know the right answers, but Iddon't believe accepting your fate as doom is it, and you have been offered some really solid insight here. . You are far too strong and emotionally wise for that. And sometimes that kind of emotional intelligence and introspection really hurts, because it is very easy to run with.

 

It's good you're taking this step right now and taking yourself. You know what you need at this moment, you're grounded. I hope you find relief.

[Wayfara]

You are already aware about the dynamic between you and your father and you have taken steps to change it but it's a process and it will take time. It's understandable for N to want you to change it immediately but as that is impossible he needs to be patient if he wants this relationship to work in my opinion. I don't think his nagging will speed up the process, in fact, it could make it longer and put you back. What I mean, the more he tells you how messed up he thinks your relationship with your father is, the more messed up you will feel you are and the more suicidal you will feel. The more suicidal you feel the more you will want to hold on to what gives you comfort, and what gives you comfort is your father. It also wouldn't surprise me if N calling your father a pedophile time after time actually puts your father on your mind more than if he hadn't been reminding you about it.

 

It's a bit like being concerned about your partner gaining too much weight so you tell them to make them aware of the situation and they start eating healthier, which is good. But losing weight still takes time so then there would be a time to be patient as extra nagging and putting them down for being too big in way to make them lose it faster could instead make them return to their former eating habits to comfort themselves, also constant talk about food they shouldn't eat would put the food on their brain.

 

It's said that slow tiny changes are more likely to last. Cutting of your father completely all of the sudden could be counter productive as some say absence makes the heart grow fonder and you going around all day sad missing your father might not be the effect N desires.

[NymphaeaLilly]

Oh honey, you ARE NOT doomed and you CAN get better. We all are damaged and it's almost always out parents that do this to us. I'm impressed with how quick you are to take proactive steps towards getting better, it say so much about your future progress.

 

I tried googling EI but didn't find anything that's not more or less said in that PDF I sent you. But many articles refer to this book "The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What To Do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life" by Dr. Patricia Love.

 

Unfortunately, I can only offer you my support.

[Firiel]

Fudgie, I think there are two separate issues merging in this thread-- your relationship with your father (which you know is problematic) and your struggles with N, which he seems to be pinning on YOUR issues with your father. This worries me because (and note that I am perhaps too sensitive to things because of recent events) it reminds me of my struggles with B. Yes, I have anxiety issues, but B made it seem like if I could just get better, be good enough, all our issues would be fixed. Ultimately, it was all my fault. The show he put on as a supporter to help me confront my issues was really just a way to emphasize his "superior" position.

 

Does N have anyone in his life long-term besides you? Or has he cut everyone out? Not having any long-term close relationships says more about N, maybe, than it does about the people around him. No one just happens to run into all bad people. I know he says terrible things about his grandparents, but do you know they are true? Someone who has cut out many, many people who were once close to him might be participating in an idealizing, devaluing, discarding cycle (do Google it).

 

I'm not saying N is emotionally abusive, but those are some worries I had upon reading your post that I haven't seen others bring up. There is an inherent danger in forgetting about N's actions/responses just because you could use some personal improvement as well. His laying claim to your feelings if emotional distress when you open up to him is also problematic in my mind. You are making progress. You are strong. You are independent and yet loving. If N is making you feel like you aren't any if these things, the problem is with him.

 

I didn't realize how unhealthy (abusive?) my relationship with B was until I was outside of it looking in.

[Miss Firecracker]

Wishing you well, Fudgie.

[quirky]

I hope you are well Fudgie, I think it can all be sorted, there is love there.. there is always a way around even the darkest problems. It is not as impossible as it feels right now..I hope you feel a bit better, hug.

[penelope13]

Honey, you may not realize it right now, or believe me - but you ARE taking steps already to make those changes and not because someone demands it, but because YOU arrived at those decisions.

 

Even contemplating and thinking about your family dynamics with a different point of view is a HUGE step into the right direction. It may not feel yet that you can see the light at the tunnel, but you are actively asking for help, you are posting about a very difficult and painful subject and you are listening to different opinions .... that is such a huge part of making changes. change will not happen overnight and thus realizing that changes have happened will equally require some time.

 

you can PM me any time if you want to talk in more depth.

[abitbroken]

Working overtime does not fix it - or using any "system" doesn't fix it - it only distracts you temporarily from it. Numbing yourself you will find doesn't work after awhile. Sometimes you have to have that big long cry or to let it out and tell someone how you feel no matter what they may think.

[greywolf]

Hi Fudgie,

 

I haven't been around much, so I'm not entirely sure what's going on, so I apologize if I've missed something, but I think that your boyfriend is demanding this out of fear. I recall that your relationship with your father in the past has been a little emotionally incestuous. If that is entirely wrong, feel free to correct me. If that's the case, then I can understand why he'd feel extremely uncomfortable about that. But I also recall that your relationship with your father isn't like that anymore, right? If it's a thing of the past, I think he needs to accept that.

[Moontiger]

Hi Fudgie, I'm at work right now and the computer I'm using as a block for certain website so I can't post anything very helpful but there seems to be a group called Adult Children Anonymous that, from what I can tell, helps people deal with issues such as emotional incest. It could be worth looking into.

[Fudgie]

Just wanted to say thank you to all. I've read the posts here and the messages too.

 

It has been a rough few days for me. Life still feels bad. I am on the brink of wanting to kill myself right now but I am still feeling like it sometimes.

 

I am going to try my best to respond soon. I am working over 50 hours this week in addition to moving (N and I are moving into a different place, a bigger place) and another obligation, so all that combined with this horrible stuff means I have a lot on my plate

 

I am still unsure of the future of my relationship, or my personal future in general. I am not sure if happiness is possible for me, personally. I am pulled in all sorts of directions.

 

Life just sucks.