I lie so much about myself to people at work

[Fudgie]

I'm trying to figure out if I have a problem.

 

I work at a hospital, under nurses. I spend 95% of my time with patients. Once in a while, I will have to spend tons of time one on one (sometimes 8-12 hours at a time) with one patient who needs someone constantly there, like if they are suicidal or something. Sometimes these patients are violent and attack me, other times, they are regular old people.

 

Anyway, I realize that I end up lying to nearly every patient I am with, but what I say depends on who they say they are.

 

For example, the truth: I am an atheist, I cohabitate, I am not liberal, I don't want children and am not fond of them, I did my 4 year degree already and know 2 other languages.

 

But I lie all the time when I'm asked about myself. I never offer up a lie on my own, it's only when I'm asked. I am scared to say I can't talk about it because people can be crazy and react badly. I'm encouraged to make conversation at my job. It's not like I can just ignore or brush off.

 

Very Christian patient? I lie about a belief in God and going to church. If they want to pray with me, I say a prayer with them using appropriate bible verses I learned when I was young.

 

Openly agnostic/atheist patient? I say I'm still figuring things out for myself but I'm young and will figure it out.

 

Very traditional, self righteous patient? I pretend not to have a boyfriend and if they ask if I party or drink, I say absolutely not.

 

I pretend to like or not mind really stupid, innane shows that they like and want to watch with me in the room.

 

I listen to awful bigoted statements from some and if asked if I agree, I'll smile and say "to be honest, I haven't really thought about that. I'm sheltered. Tell me more!" I'd rather listen to them spew hate speech to me than to get into a bad situation.

 

Politics? I don't know I don't watch the news I don't know anything about politics. (big big big lie)

 

I'm asked a lot if I have kids. I say no but when I'm older, yes. Total lie. I ask about their kids and feign interest in a stranger's child.

 

I'm asked a lot about my future plans and schooling. It's none of their business. I lie about "thinking" about going back to school.

 

I'm asked a lot about money. I say I'm broke but happy with what I have. Half truth.

 

I'm asked if I have a car, usually by poor people. I say no, I get rides from friends. But I have my own car. I drive to work. I don't want to them to feel bad or ask me for rides.

 

When dealing with large/downtrodden patients who complain about their weight or looks, I put on my most sincere self and reassure them, and if they are female, I usually make a positive comment about their hair and offer to brush it for them.

 

I'm asked about what I think about certain drugs and therapies, usually psychiatric. I lie and say I don't know anything about stuff like that. The truth is, I'm on lots of meds and have a science degree and understand this "stuff".

 

 

 

 

I feel conflicted. On one hand, I make people very happy when I lie. I get positive feedback and nice notes. My boss loves me. I get along with very difficult or even violent patients (for the most part, I still get attacked physically sometimes).

 

On the other hand, I feel like it may be wrong. What if I'm caught? I won't see these people again but I worry.

 

is this wrong?

[Fudgie]

I told myself when I took this job that I'd kiss anyone's butt to be good at my job and get it done without getting in trouble or getting hurt. And I have done just that. But that's okay right?

 

No one knows me outside of work to verify anything because I don't talk about my personal life to coworkers, outside of me gushing over my animals.

 

My new boss is friends with my dad and I'm pretty sure she knows what I'm doing but approves.

[DN]

Is this a long-term care facility for elderly people, some of whom have dementia and Alzheimer's?

[annie24]

Well, I think with patients, you want to keep things professional so telling these white lies isn't a big deal. It's not the time to get into a political argument or debate living together before marriage, etc. why hide your education though?

[Seraphim]

Well they say 97% of people tell lies every day ,little white lies. The other 3% are lying about not lying. That being said though why are you telling lies? Are they lies to protect yourself? Protect yourself physically ,protect yourself emotionally? Are they to pass the time so you don't have conflict?

[Fudgie]

Is this a long-term care facility for elderly people, some of whom have dementia and Alzheimer's?

 

No its a hospital. People don't stay for that long. Some have dementia and some don't. I see all types.

 

Well, I think with patients, you want to keep things professional so telling these white lies isn't a big deal. It's not the time to get into a political argument or debate living together before marriage, etc. why hide your education though?

 

Yeah I try to avoid conflict. I don't know ow why I hide my education other than I feel it leads to other questions and details I don't feel like giving out. I'd love to talk about the research I've done in lab or whatnot, but it's not the place.

 

Well they say 97% of people tell lies every day ,little white lies. The other 3% are lying about not lying. That being said though why are you telling lies? Are they lies to protect yourself? Protect yourself physically ,protect yourself emotionally? Are they to pass the time so you don't have conflict?

 

All of the above, I think. I do it to make myself look as non confrontational ad possible and that means I have to go along with whatever I guess. Part of it is protection, but it's mostly to avoid conflict.

 

II feel like people react better to me when I lie and pretend to be neutral or similar. Like, they are happy. I like happy patients. I want to make them happy.

[MyNinja]

I often lie about certain questions similar to yours because I want to give them the answer they want to hear or expect. If I tell them the truth, for example about my religion ( I'm spiritual. I don't affiliate to Christianity, Catholicism, etc) I have to explain WHY I'm spiritual and not christian or what have you. I feel like I have to defend myself in doing that. Maybe that's what you're feeling sometimes? Especially with sensitive topics like politics and religion and having/starting a family.

[annie24]

It's good that you are evasive on the drug question. You certainly don't want to tell a patient about which drugs are bad or good in your opinion when the doctors at the hospital are prescribing them.

[In the Dark]

You have to be a good judge of character as to whether you can be truthful and know they will respect your own personal views or whether it is better to lie or avoid topics to avoid conflict.

Mostly depends on what the outcome would be if you told the truth.

 

There are times where the requirement to be a BS artist is a grand part of getting ahead in life.

I know of business men who are absolutely great at talking garbage which gets them the customers and clients regardless of the finished product they intend to give.

Retail sales people who live off commission lie to customers and direct them to a specific product which may not be the perfect product for the client but the perfect sale for the sales person.

Sure it is morally wrong but the money talks.

[Seraphim]

Fudgie, do you feel that you lie because you had to lie to your parents to be nonconfrontational? Or do you feel that you had to lie so you could avoid justifying your stance on things?

[Fudgie]

Yeah I think people who lie to get people to waste their money is wrong because you're manipulating them to do something that's not what they want to do.

 

I'd like to think what I'm doing is moral but I am not sure. Ultimately, I just want people to like me, feel at ease, oh, and me not getting punched would be great too. That's pretty much my mantra before my work "Don't get assaulted."

 

I just feel ashamed because I used to be big on integrity. Now I feel like I've sold it off so I can get my hourly wage and pay my bills. This is not my "forever" job in the least but it's important.

 

I also get sick of pretending to not know a thing in the world and I sort have to mentally reassure myself that I'm not stupid like I claim to be.

 

I've been lying for months and still need to come to terms.

[Seraphim]

Why not try changing the subject when they bring up something that you don't agree with?

[ParisPaulette]

Honestly Fudgie, normally I'd say this is a problem EXCEPT in this case, given your job I actually do get why you would lie for a number of reasons. First off, I gather you're working with people in some sort of a mental health capacity. You do lie to the patients you have to spend time with, but in this case I think it comes more from an empathy place than any malicious intent. You know they're not doing well in life, you know that you are there to keep them calm and reassurred during what many times must be a very terrifying ordeal for them. Trust me in those cases finding a connection and a solid reality to someone in a crisis, made up or not, is a very valuable and yes necessary thing. What could be gained by stating you are 100 percent the opposite of a person in crisis in the time when they are agitated and afraid--very much nothing and yes, it could make things worse. So you act as a mirror throwing back a reflection of what you, very likely correctly, observe or realize, the other person wants to see or hear. Am I right about that?

 

Also given your job it may very well be a defense mechanism, a wall if you will both to protect your identity and to protect your heart and emotions from becoming too intertwined. I used to work at a woman's shelter and have volunteered on several hotlines, so I really do get it. And I've seen what you're doing more than once with past coworkers and yes, lied myself a time or two either to calm someone down or to protect my identity and/or life from people that I absolutely did not want knowing much if anything about me. Also to keep myself and others around me safe, like the times when jealous or abusive husbands and wives would show up at the shelter wanting to see their significant other. Did I lie more than once to get the person calmed down and keep them from hurting any of us present? Yes, I absolutely did and I'd absolutely do it again in a hot New York second if I had to. I didn't so much think of it as lying as I did acting and/or just diffusing a bad situation--sort of like what hostage negotiators do sometimes.

 

In this case if it continues to bother you, perhaps you can explore other alternatives but still...I may be the wrong person to sound in on this one, because I do really get why you are doing what you're doing. And if it works and it calms a patient down or makes them a little less fearful, a little bit happier, a little more receptive to assistance then all I'll say is if it works that is the most important thing. Just make sure you don't lose who you really are in the midst of it all. And bless you, by the way, for doing what you do.

[Fudgie]

Vic,

 

May both? I don't know. I lied a lot to my parents in the past over stuff because I was a private person and didn't want them looking in.

 

At the same time, I don't want to be put on the spot to justify.

 

Just to clarify, I don't lie to my parents anymore. Maybe fib about little things like why N seems upset. But I'm done with lying and hiding things about myself, like having hidden relationships or big things like that.

 

When my grandma passed, I decided to not have the wonky messed up relationship with my mom that she had with her mom. I've gotten better.

[shellyf62]

Paris Paulette said it beautifully. I think you are doing an amazing job, and just puttign up a few walls to protect yourself.

[abitbroken]

Why not try changing the subject when they bring up something that you don't agree with?

 

Ask them about themselves and that you would love to hear about it. As far as politics, just say you don't follow or start talking about a benign subject. Like the local park they are ruling on.

[Fudgie]

Paris,

 

I feel like you know where I'm coming from. I'm glad you do! Your words really resonated. The hospital that I'm in has many mental patients since this area it serves is poor and rife with many problems. It's sad what I see.

 

II guess I need to stop feeling like I'm lying and maybe just.. . Calming? Because that's what I aim to do.

 

Vic,

 

My neutral subjects are: animals, favorite TV shows, and sometimes food, just talking about food. People get relaxed when they talk about that. One time I sat next to a girl who was on the verge on trying to cut again and we talked for a long time about food and what we liked to eat, what our families do for holidays, etc. Cheered her up.

 

But sometimes when you're there for 8-12 hours, things just come up. And you've run out of things to say. So that when I lie.

 

One night I was with a lady for a while who was hallucinating so we prayed and stuff. She asked if I was Baptist and I remember saying "no, I'm Methodist but we are all God's children" and she lit up and I was able to get her to sleep so I could leave to tend to other patients.

 

II guess it is for good.

[Seraphim]

I don't think you're doing it for malicious intent. If it is for making people feel better and safe I can't see it being truly horrible.

[Fudgie]

I guess so. Yeah when I do it, my mindset is always "please be happy and don't hit me or hurt yourself."

 

How do I get over this slight nagging feeling that I've compromised my integrity?

[itsallgrand]

I think the less lying you can do, the better. That's just me. There is usually a way to do things without denying the truth. Reaffirming someone else without cutting yourself out or falsifying. Mostly just bring it back to what you are there for : the other person. And supporting them, caring for them, helping them.

 

I used to work in home care and with special needs folks, and my work seems destined to always be in some capacity helping people (still coming to terms with this! lol) - so I do understand being in situations where you are actually looking at the possibility of getting assaulted. Or someone getting hung up on a small personal detail you share. Or someone not trusting you if you don't tell them what they want or sometimes need to hear. ETC. I get the "boss' and coworkers and the system too encourage me to lie, cause it keeps things going happy". That it can be justified if it helps someone. That has and is always a thorn in my side - yes, people will encourage it. Still it's up to you to make many judgment calls day in and next day out from person to person on what is right. It's not always easy.

 

But to me being real is important. People deserve it. Well that is my belief. Being real doesn't mean they get to know everything about me. It's a real human connection we are talking about. It very much depends on a person's needs; what to share. It often means to me sharing less about the details of my existence and more it's just ...my heart, my hands, what can I do for you? YOu praying with that lady to me is not lying. You are doing something for her - it's not about you. And watching a crappy show with someone - nothing wrong with that either. Let's be real: you do the lying to help make the job easier.

 

I've always stood a firm line on it and it didn't always make me really popular but I'm awesome at what I have done and what I do now and no one has ever accused me of being bad at my job. Ever.

 

About avoiding conflict - I wouldn't know about that. I actually enjoy conflict. lol. I think it was part of why I have enjoyed the jobs I have. I don't enjoy it in the sense of I want to create it. But I think it is interesting dealing with people who aren't in 'normal day to day mode'. For the very reason we are discussing - the authenticity and humanness of it. You see sides of people that you don't always get to see. And interact and learn to care aboutpeople in all types of ways. It brings out parts of you that you might not have known were there too.

 

That is what i try to do, personally. I try to think if it was me? I don't want fake. I would just want someone to LISTEN to me, CARE about me, be SKILLED at their job, and do it all whether you like me or not. It doesn't matter if we like each other or not ; but honestly, most of the time, the being there for someone causing like and even caring anyways. It's aciton loving beyond that other bs. I'll care for you, literally, no matter what. The whole thing is built on trust.

 

So I guess I have to say that I don't agree that lying is ok just cause the work is hard. ANd it is hard. YOu can reach them on their level without it. You can connect without it. And I think that is what you are trying to do with it (besides insulating yourself with the lies to avoid confrontation). I think you are trying to meet them somewhere and lying is an easy way to get there. I honestly believe you can achieve that without lying.

[Fudgie]

I guess I just don't know how to do it without lying. I see the happiness and relief on their faces when I act like a "mirror" like Paris said. But most of them are complete strangers that I'm in a closed room with, alone, so I feel like I have to play it very safe and make it so they like me and feel calm.

 

I'm a good BSr so I haven't had anyone call me out yet

 

II guess you are right in that I myself wouldn't want anyone to be fake with me, like I am "fake" with them. But yeah, it does make my job easier and I don't have to deal with conflict or arguments unless I have to. I do end up in arguments with patients over stuff like "Why can't I drink soda right now? The doctor said not until morning. WHYYYYY!!!" and that's a lot to deal with itself.

 

But who knows? Maybe in that moment, all I want is someone to calm me down and tell me what I want to hear. I used to criticize N for not telling me what I want to hear when I'm upset. He still doesn't do it, haha. But I clearly do with others.

[blueidealist24]

I see it as you just trying to be tactful. If you're not going to see these patients outside of work or have personal relationships with them, I think it's ok to not always tell the truth. It's ok to agree with what they say in order to avoid confrontation, since the aim is to make their existence as patients as peaceful as possible, right? If you actually gave your real opinions and they started debating with you, I don't think that would go well.

[Miss Firecracker]

When it is your job and there is a choice between lying or saying, "Mind your own business!", there is only one choice.

 

None of those things are any of your patients' business. Their fault for getting too nosy.

[ParisPaulette]

Fudgie, if it bothers you then that is a problem. Can you talk to someone at your work or find others who do what you do and ask them what they do when these types of issues come up? I suspect maybe you were just sort of thrown into it with little to no training per se and sitting with someone for 8 to 12 hours is alot of time. Seriously most therapists never have to spend the amount of time you do with one patient in that continuous unbroken amount of time and that in and of itself must be extremely hard to do. Sometimes I'd limp home at night and cry myself to sleep over what I'd seen and heard at the shelter I worked at, and that was just from spending an hour with someone in crisis. I honestly don't think I could even begin to do what you do for that much time even on my very best days. Again, I am going to give you seious props for doing a job that it is so necessary, but dang rough too. I'm kind of in serious awe of you right now over it.

 

Barring that maybe you can sit down with yourself and/or someone and go through scenarios and then work out strategies for how to keep a person calm and situations diffused without having to resort to doing or saying something that you feel bad about? Role playing with someone may help alot and you could work on figuring out how else you could have said or done something to bring the same level of comfort and diffusing tensions. It's just a thought, but it might help. We used to do it at the shelter if one of us found ourselves having a rough time dealing with a particular individual or situations. It helped me and my coworkers in dealing with things at the shelter where we worked anyways. So much so we'd have staff role-plays sometimes at lunch. Just a suggestion anyways.

[buddha55]

nothing wrong with what youre doing....

 

however, instead of lying, I would find more tactful ways to just evade "hot issues".