I lie so much about myself to people at work

[Fudgie]

Paris,

 

I guess I could talk to the medical people in my family. But they haven't really done what I do now. I work both 8 and 12 hour shifts and when I'm not assigned to taking care of half a unit, I'm assignment to the one on one like I said so I'll be with someone for the whole time.

 

I see a couple people time and time again, but that's when it gets harder cause you get to know them. Most of my patients are a one time thing. My hardest time was with an autistic teen with a lot of issues who had been raped. She only told me and told me with some heart breaking details as I was helping her wash in the shower. I had to tell the doctor and then the therapists and the police got involved and they questioned someone. My sibs are autistic and it broke my heart into bits and I cried my eyes out when I got home. I got pretty close with her and played with her a lot and just talked to her and made her stuffed animals "talk" to her and at night, I'd rub lotion onto her back until she fell asleep. I felt some love for her, similar to how I feel for my sister. I was repeatedly assigned to her over weeks because I was the only one who really was good with her. She made me a drawing which I still have in my journal. I hope she is well now and is loved and cared for.

 

I digressed. My job training for this job was pretty poor. No one told me what to do, or what to day, or what scenarios to do. I was trained on some nebulous crap about "teamwork" and that's about it. Everything I know now was just on the job training. They should have taught me how to defend myself but they didn't. I learned on my own after an incident in the psych ward months ago.

 

I wish I had that sort of support group that you had at the shelter. We don't here. I wish I could run through some scenarios with someone. Or just have someone help me come to peace so I can continue to do what I do without feeling bad a little.

[offplanet]

When you're stuck with someone for 8 to 12 hours as part of your job and are subjected to being questioned by all kinds of people, I don't see why you should be obliged to be open about your personal stuff. I think your approach is sensible.

[Miss Firecracker]

I will have to lie to lots of people about my lack of religion. This week I made the break from that stuff, but there is no way I will come out on Facebook. I would go from many friends to zero. Bible Belt...

[Fudgie]

I will have to lie to lots of people about my lack of religion. This week I made the break from that stuff, but there is no way I will come out on Facebook. I would go from many friends to zero. Bible Belt...

 

Wow, that's huge. But if you don't believe, you don't believe, you know? I'm sorry you have to keep it so much under wraps but I know for myself that leaving church and making my own choice in the matter that was right for me was so personally liberating! I hope you feel the same.

[Blue_Skirt]

As long as it is clear to you that you simply want to be a nice person, trying to do a good job, I don’t see a huge problem here. The last thing you want to do is upset your patients, so sometimes it is just a wise thing to do to not tell the truth or get into a debate with them. So see your white lies as a part of your job. You are done with your job, you get home, you change clothes and you store away your little white lies for your next working day.

 

If it bothers you so much however, you could also think of some standard answers.

 

If you have a very Christian patient, you don’t have to lie about it. You can say: O, I learned all those prayers a long time ago. You do tell the truth and you don’t have to share any personal information on how you feel about it now. Or you say: You know the message I learned about religion is trying to be a good person, and that’s what I try to be every day and I don’t always succeed. I don’t see a problem saying prayers with someone, even if you don’t believe. You are trying to comfort someone, you are not saying these prayers for yourself, so perfectly fine and I don’t see this as a lie.

 

Money? I have enough to keep me happy. Why say you are broke?

Car? Yes, I am very fortunate to have my own car. (You don’t have to give any rides to your patients. You are very busy at work and you simply can’t start doing that, you have too many patients.)

Kids? I am still very young. This in itself is not a lie. You don’t have to share all your private information with people.

 

You can also think about a mix of a white lie and a standard answer, depending on the patient, your mood, etc. etc..

 

How do your co-workers deal with this? Do they experience the same issues?

[itsallgrand]

Well it looks like my stance on it is not popular here as well. hahah.

 

Fudgie, if you are okay with it, then I guess you have your answer for yourself.

 

I really doubt any one will call you on the carpet for the types of lies you are telling. It's pretty standard in care.

 

I still think it is wrong, but that's why I don't do it. I feel like it builds trust with people. Look if I'd lie to you, or lie to a patient, I'd lie to anyone about anything. I once told a boss this when asked to lie to a client - I said no and told her "How would you trust me then?". She didn't like that because she was lying to me and to staff and to clients all the time. "part of the job".

 

Your situation is a little different in that you literally spend a short time with these people and you dont see the same people again? It's not 'repeat customers"? I've always worked with people over longer periods of time . Lies would get found out or at least whether or not I was that type and I never wanted to be associated with that.

 

Anyways if you were looking for an ok from people, you got it on this thread. Like I said though, it 's not hard to find an okay for this...it's pretty standard procedure.

[Miss Firecracker]

Wow, that's huge. But if you don't believe, you don't believe, you know? I'm sorry you have to keep it so much under wraps but I know for myself that leaving church and making my own choice in the matter that was right for me was so personally liberating! I hope you feel the same.

 

Like you wouldn't believe, Fudgie! I finally found some peace. And the only people I have told are my older son and my husband. I had to be honest with my close loved ones. My younger son, well, I don't talk to him about that because he has autism and really doesn't understand much about those things. Older son has always been an outspoken skeptic, and I was distressed over that in past years. My husband and I were both believers but didn't attend church. One day I finally cornered him and said we need to get it out on the table. So he admitted his views are very similar to mine now. The day I told my son he put his arm around me and said he had never been so proud of me. Imagine that. I believe anyone that knows me guesses I am skeptical, but I would never come OUT as ATHEIST because our part of the world sees that word as EVIL. It's a shame we have to lie to fit in, but that's still how it is. I have quietly listened to everyone preach it all my life, but I am quite sure they wouldn't listen to me.

[Fudgie]

How do your co-workers deal with this? Do they experience the same issues?

 

Well, most of the coworkers that I come into contact with ONLY do floor work. They don't really have to do the one on ones like I do. See, I work ALL over the hospital and I go where I'm told to go.

 

Some other techs that I know who do what I do are very minimalistic and have been there for a long time and just don't care anymore. They'll make light conversation but they prefer not to and want the patients to just shut up and either sleep or watch TV. I'm not adverse to a patient watching TV or sleeping and will always let them do that if they want to, but if they are up and are talking to me, then I think it's my place to remain open and see where the conversation goes. I aim to not shut down talking or to push for it. It's all up to the patient. If a patient wants to sit in a 75 degree room with the lights on all night, I'll encourage them to turn the light off but ultimately, I'll leave them be if that's what they want.

 

I had one woman tell me this week in fact "I like you because most of the other people just ignore me". Her voice was very quiet and raspy and hard to hear but we talked for a while. It angers me that she was ignored but I've seen it done before.

 

 

I guess this is something that I'll just have to learn to come to peace with. I worry that I will be "caught" in a lie or that I'm doing something wrong, like morally wrong. It sometimes scares me at work how easily the lies just fall out of my mouth. It's like there's the "real" Fudgie and then there's work Fudgie who doesn't have any real clue about anything interesting, is poor, listens, calming, etc. I do feel like I change into a different person at work. If N leaves a stink cloud in the bathroom, I'll be grossed out and poke fun at him for it because I'm grossed out. At work, I've been pooped on and once a patient apologized and started to cry and I'm like "noooooooo please don't feel bad it's really not that bad it happens to lots of people when they are sick, please don't cry, this doesn't change how I see you" and they calmed down even though it was really, really, really, really gross and nightmare-tastic.

 

I don't know. Don't really know what to think anymore.

[Fudgie]

I'm so glad to hear that your close family supports you and that your husband feels the same way too. That does help a lot. I know that in the south, people can be thrown out of towns and lose their jobs and even families over not believing in God. It saddens me so much. It is a darn shame that you have to lie but if I were in your situation, I imagine I would do the same.

 

Sadly, I think there are a good number of people in the south, probably in your local area too, who feel the same way that you do but are too afraid to say anything. When I was 5-6, I realized that I didn't believe and I'm up north and even I was scared then, despite being in an accepting place! I'm sure there are many down there who go through much of their livings being silent about it. Unfortunately, the opposite side is loud and vocal and makes the stakes too high.

[Brittanyxox90]

I lie to people at work to upon asking. Sometimes I feel like I don't measure up, or I am "too vanilla". I just want to seem more fun I guess.

[Fudgie]

I lie to people at work to upon asking. Sometimes I feel like I don't measure up, or I am "too vanilla". I just want to seem more fun I guess.

 

Haha, you're the opposite of me.

 

I have nurses (especially bosses) make conversation with me and sometimes they'll ask "Oh what are you going to do now that you have a few nights off?"

 

The lie: "Oh I just have some errands to do, you know, laundry and all that."

 

The truth: "Leisure walking, crime shows, alcohol, and putting off everything I really said that I would do."

[Miss Firecracker]

Yes, I would lose all the extended family I love. My cousin and I talk all the time on e-mail and Facebook. I want peace, and I still love these people no matter what they believe. If I tell them, I would be a heathern, which is Southern for heathen. I used to laugh at my little sister when she was a few years old when she said that word. She said it in three syllables...

 

HEE-THER-EN

 

Nobody wanted to be one of those. When I asked my husband he admitted but very quickly said ok, that's all I want to say about it. His father is a Methodist preacher, so you can imagine how he feels to even admit it to me. I sort of knew how he felt already by little remarks he would make, but I was a little surprised he came right out and admitted it.

 

You are dealing with hospice patients, right? It would be very upsetting to the believing patients for you to tell them your truth. And think how miserable you would be made to feel.

[itsallgrand]

HEE-THER-EN?!? hahaha.

 

And here I thought it was bad to be a spawn of satan. Obviously I am a pot stirrer by nature. I'd totally be in that. Grew up next to a preacher and stirred up trouble simply for fun.

 

And when my grandma (mamere) told me she was seriously worried for my soul, cause when she dies she wants me to go there with her to the happy place in the sky, I totally won't humor that.

 

How awful and sad that a little kid is calling people out for being heatherns. That is like, child abuse, in a way. Indoctrinating kids that way.

[Miss Firecracker]

HEE-THER-EN?!? hahaha.

 

And here I thought it was bad to be a spawn of satan. Obviously I am a pot stirrer by nature. I'd totally be in that. Grew up next to a preacher and stirred up trouble simply for fun.

 

And when my grandma (mamere) told me she was seriously worried for my soul, cause when she dies she wants me to go there with her to the happy place in the sky, I totally won't humor that.

 

How awful and sad that a little kid is calling people out for being heatherns. That is like, child abuse, in a way. Indoctrinating kids that way.

 

The joys of growing up in a small town in The South! I wouldn't go to church very often, and there were people always at the door, coming in to pray for me. I was always running into the church ladies in town, and they never failed to say as loudly as possible how much they missed me on Sunday. Yeah, I am sure they missed me so much.

[Fudgie]

heathern? Never heard of that. That's sort of a funny worrd when you say it like that!

 

I sometimes work with hospice patients in the hospital, yes. But I've been working with the dying since I was a teen. No one ever told me to lie but I knew instinctively and if there were ever ONE TIME to lie about yourself and have it be okay, it would be to a dying patient who is seeking comfortable. It is of the UTMOST IMPORTANCE to me that those patients in particular are comfortable and completely at ease so I don't care if I have to pretend to be a Satanist, I will do whatever if it makes them at ease.

 

Religious patients? I'm Christian Christian Christian. Oh yes.

 

Now, the only time I'm truthful is when a patient is not religious and then I tell them that it's okay (some are scared of what others will say) and I tell them what I honestly believe "I've been here with many people in hospice and have seen a lot, and from what I've experienced, I can honestly tell you that as long as you have love in your heart , you will be okay and you're always going to have us here to be here with you." A couple of people have asked me if I could promise that everything would be okay in death, and I like to say "Everyone will go through this and the world is still turning and beautiful. We will be okay. You will be okay too." and I hold their hand.

 

And I am not lying when I say that. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

[ParisPaulette]

Honestly Fudgie, I do think half of what you do is empathy with a large helping of trying to make the other person feel better mixed in with keeping those walls up to some degree. All you can do is be in the moment fully, take each person and case as it comes, and afterwards if you don't feel good about something then ask yourself how you could have done it differently. Visualizing a different result or writing it down in a journal might help too.

 

It sort of bites though that you didn't have more job training, so that is likely part of the problem. One thing that I found helps to deflect attention or scrutiny from others towards you is to ask questions about the other person and tell them you want to hear their story, thoughts, opinions, etcetera. Most people are hungry to talk about themselves, so that may help keep you from having to say anything much about yourself.

 

As to the people who want to talk about God or religion I usually stay neutral on that by telling people it's a topic that's extremely personal to me, but if they want to talk to I'm open to what they have to say about their own beliefs. And then I listen since I have zero interest in forcing another to accept my belief system and I know I won't be accepting theirs per se beyond the fact that if it brings them comfort and helps them get through the day then more power to them. I've gotten pretty good at that one, because my mom is a very devout Christian and me, well let's just say that I probably fall more into the agnostic side of things although I do acknowledge that I'm spiritual in nature. Just not a nature that follows conventional Christianity. To illustrate how i apply this let me give you an example: I visited my mom a few months ago and she begged me to go to church. I agreed and although it was a bit of a foreign land to me there was one portion of the sermon that I found fascinating from a historical aspect. I'm a huge history buff and so I sort of focused on that, asked questions about it to my mom and her friends afterwards and we had a happy conversation where I never once had to tell them, "Look, I don't believe the way you do." I didn't lie and again a well-placed question here or there deflected things from getting tense or confrontational. I didn't have to go to church, but my mother is getting up there in years and it brings her joy so why not? She knows I don't believe in the same way she does, but we have both come to terms with that. And I'd do that with anyone.

 

The thing with the autistic girl sounds rough, I would definitely have cried. On the flip side though think of the joy and safety you brought her. Seriously Fudgie you sound like someone who would make an outstanding therapist. Your empathy level is off the charts and you're bound to be good with people in the place you work for is willing to send you around to sit with someone for hours at a time. Personally I hope the place you work for knows the gem they have in you. Keep going, I think you'll work things out and come to your own way of handling things. I've always felt one of the big things in any helping profession is learning how to do your job, do it well, and yet not lose sight of yourself and your own life. It can be very hard to do that sometimes in certain circumstances.

[JoJoStar26]

My thing is i don't tell people everything about me and my life.

Some things you have to keep private and remain professional.

I am always cautious because some just want to have something to gossip about.

Still to this day i remain a mystery at my job. To the point things are made up about me.

That's how closed off i am. It won't change neither!

[tiredofvampires]

This is a case-by-case-basis issue, in my opinion. No one "rule" of thumb, except that if you're in a situation where your honest opinion could result in physical danger to either you or the patient, it's just plain common sense that you don't share it. Lying to people about personal matters when those people are psychologically unsound or in crisis is not a wise professional call. If there is no way you can come close to the truth without it blowing up in your face, you'd have to err on the side of safety.

 

But there is such a range of situations and different personalities you are dealing with, you really do have to treat each one individually. I've been in care situations, as a caregiver as well as in hospice, and I guess you'd say my motto was, "Greet people where they are at." First of all, if you're only going to be attending to someone for a short time, it's different than if they're going to be someone you attend to for longer periods, more often, etc. The more time you spend with someone, the more your personal sharing is called up. But also, the longer you spend with someone, the more you get to know what THEIR reactions/slant/personality is like and therefore, how well you can anticipate things like open-mindedness, emotional charge around certain topics, emotional temper in general. So you can better attune yourself to their wavelength as the time together increases. It's really like a dance, where they are leading. There are many nuances, and just stay open to them and respond accordingly. For instance, someone may have very strong opinions on something, but enjoy engaging in a bit of debate, that's what gets them fired up. Someone like that may appreciate you for giving them an audience and challenging them, and they would feel patronized by a yes-man, having a high tolerance for dissenting views. So in that case, I'll let them in on my take, including my dissenting view and questioning them back, to the level that I sense is appropriate. Another person may be so dogmatic that all they want is to spew their opinions in a monologue, and in that case you may determine that their questions are only baiting you so that they can wage a war that turns out very badly. So in those cases, it is judicious to speak vaguely/evasively and agree with them in a way that validates their feelings, without validating the ideas themselves. Which could be considered a bit "clever", and yet I think it's the balance between honesty and discretion. This is something I do with people who are confrontational in a way that I can't communicate with who are NOT in a sick/hospital environment, too. It's called: PICKING YOUR BATTLES.

 

The one thing all people need and want is to feel VALIDATED. That can come in many forms though. In the examples above, one person feels validated that you are participating with them in their topic of interest by lending your own independent view. In the other case, you are validating that they feel as they do, and that is not a lie or a distortion. You may even be repulsed by their point of view, but in that moment, getting to see where they are coming from is actually an opening experience for you that would be genuine. Those are actually perfect situations for you to practice observing your own reactivity, impatience, and judgmentalism and working on that, which is a very internally useful agenda. And in those cases, you can focus on questions, always throwing the ball back into their court, almost like a journalist (because most people who want to spew really don't want to "hear" other points of view anyway, they just want to keep talking.)

 

Working in hospice, I certainly did feel that it was part of the work to be very engaging with their personal spiritual and religious beliefs. In most cases with hospice, I wasn't asked my religion, but nor was I dealing with people who were not in their right mind, or psychiatrically compromised/dangerous. I was dealing with people who were aware, cognizant, and grappling with this transition. I saw my role as someone there to affirm what they believed. Most people, I found, had very strong beliefs at that stage, and I had no trouble praying with them and supporting them in these beliefs. The ones who were frightened or confused, I mostly gave comfort to with my presence, because what they really wanted to know was that they weren't alone, not to have answers. So we could discuss some of the questions, but the underlying need I was meeting was touching them, talking to them, bringing them a sense that they are still part of the world even at this juncture, reading to them, creating a calming a peaceful environment and MAKING THEM LAUGH at little things because laughter melts just about every barrier in the world.

 

When it comes to trivial things like humoring watching shows, I don't consider it a lie to veg with them in that. I just think of it as I would a partner who got the remote first, who likes a show I think is blah, and I'm just there to keep them company while they enjoy themselves. Wouldn't hurt me to see what other people are enjoying, either! I take it all as an "experience". Who knew -- it's adventuresome to watch a show you never do, but adventure is doing things that are outside your comfort zone, right? So why not. I just re-invent the word "adventure" for situations like that, and viola -- everyone can bring you some new adventure! So you can tell them you don't usually watch that show (truth) AND that there's always a first for everything, so it's peachy with you (truth). It's all in how you frame it.

 

And also, again, we all tell lies of omission many, many times a day to everyone, not just people in these situations. It's a lie of omission when you don't tell someone something that would hurt their feelings gratuitously in any environment, so this is no different.

 

On the personal matters, like if you've got a boyfriend or whatnot, again, it depends how well you've gotten to know them, how long you're attending them, etc. If you barely know them, a simple, "I don't think we need to go into that now -- would you like me to adjust the ____ or read you something from the paper?" to switch the subject to a neutral topic may be your best bet, if you think your answer could create a bad situation. That serves no one. If you think they're just a curious cat and aren't that invested in the answer, I'd answer nonchallantly and truthfully. As you get to know them more and suss out their views, you can approach it as I've discussed above. Coming as close to their world as you can with as much truth as you can, with a balancing of those scales.

 

The bottom line is that in my view, people mostly want to be heard. Being "happy" is relative to how well you've understood what they need most in that moment, in that hour, in that day, and for every person, that will be different. You have to guard against frankly dangerous situations however you best feel you must diffuse aggressive behavior and that's not a "moral" issue. But I believe as long as you're honoring the person by gauging what they can handle and what they can't, what would support them and what would only cause them distress -- if you always make it about them and what they need -- you will do the right thing by both of you.

 

One thing I've taken away from "helping" work is that even though it seems that you are "giving" something to them, being the "provider", you are always learning and experiencing something that shapes you, changes you, and advances you in ways. So it's reciprocal on a deeper level than is evident from the definition of the relationship. You learn as much about yourself as you do about people, and how communication with integrity can proceed in infinitely subtle ways.