Boyfriend confessed to cheating

[NymphaeaLilly]

Cheating wasn't the only problem in this relationship. How many times did you post her on eNA coz he was treating you poorly?

It's like you are forgetting how unhappy he made you since end of December, waaay before you knew he was a cheater and waaay after he first cheated on you.

It's better taking a risk with someone new than repeating the same pattern over and over again. Didn't you already learn that the moment he thinks he has you he'll pull back? You've done this game for umpteenth time already.

[FreedomRing]

Actually, you haven't blocked him from your life when you're still allowing his messages to riddle your brain. A strangers post on the web isn't fair to you, but this jerkoff bombarding you with excuses, is fair??? He isn't even respecting you enough to give you space, and time to breathe. It's sad that he is able to delude you like this, the intelligent woman you are, but then again, most cheaters, liars and master manipulators tend to have this ability.

 

I get it. You can't see the forest from the trees right now, so I'll just wish you luck with whatever you choose. Recognize your worth.

[diamond78]

 

I'm not sure what to do. I've been reading a ton about affairs, and recovering afterward. It seems like it is only possible to recover after an affair. But when do you try to rebuild the trust, and when do you cut your losses and move on?

 

It is possible to recover from affair, although extremely difficult. However, it's possible to recover when the guilty party is sane and normal and not as crazy as your Ex.

 

This is not just about cheating, this is about a man who not only cheats, but he is a stalker and obsessive towards women in general. You do realize this man lied, cheated, manipulated, and stalked more than one woman at the same time?

 

That is someone who is completely off his rockers. You are thinking of going back to a man who has a legal case against him for stalking another woman.

 

I totally understand the pull of wanting to go back as big part of you wants to believe that this all wasn't just a lie; that he truly does/did love you and you need some sort of validation for your relationship.

 

Yet, you should see this as all a gift you have received. Now you know just how truly crazy this man is and how you should stay far, far away from him.

 

I mean, the things this guy has done and said to you are just downright scary. That is not love he is showing you, that is a deep mental instability.

 

Do not ever go back, no matter how much you miss him. He is bad for any woman, not just you.

[Justnotsure]

You're still in that emotional place of blindly wanting what you want. Wanting it back. And so, while you may logically get that going back will be a complete disaster, you want to believe that you are the exception to the rule.

 

He's still manipulating you. His initial response was "me cheating was your fault." That tells you everything that you need to know about his character. Sure, he's singing a different tune now because it didn't work (as it had in the past). Another tactic he likes is telling you that he's "better" than your exes who cheated, and now, apparently, the prospective new guys who may cheat. He has done absolutely zero to prove himself to you. And this is all a ploy to get you back. Do you really want to GPS track his phone, check his emails, monitor his activity to ensure that he's not cheating on you? All the while knowing, there is NOTHING you can do to ensure that. Sure doesn't sound very fun or romantic to me.

 

And then, of course, once he gets you back, he will eventually revert back to his true nature. The guy who blames you for his indiscretions, tells you that you're too jealous, wants you to be someone that you're not, calls you names, wants you to dress a certain way, sleeps with other women who are "loose" because he wants something different, goes on vacations and sleeps with other women, uses God and religion when it suits him, wants you to see his pastor for counseling who happens to share his own warped views.

 

I get that he's cute and you love him, but I'm not sure that really evens out the pro/con list.

 

But, with these things, sometimes you have to go through it yourself and hit rock bottom. I think everyone would be sorry to see you do that, but you are the one with the reins.

[LonelyGirl10]

Actually, you haven't blocked him from your life when you're still allowing his messages to riddle your brain. A strangers post on the web isn't fair to you, but this jerkoff bombarding you with excuses, is fair??? He isn't even respecting you enough to give you space, and time to breathe. It's sad that he is able to delude you like this, the intelligent woman you are, but then again, most cheaters, liars and master manipulators tend to have this ability.

 

I get it. You can't see the forest from the trees right now, so I'll just wish you luck with whatever you choose. Recognize your worth.

 

You're right, I'm sorry. The reason I post on here is because it's easy to get caught up in your own problems, and not see what other people see. So thank you for your opinion. I don't want to see myself as someone who doesn't respect myself. It's embarrassing. But I guess I partly don't. I don't know. I'm really confused.

[LonelyGirl10]

 

He's still manipulating you. His initial response was "me cheating was your fault." That tells you everything that you need to know about his character. Sure, he's singing a different tune now because it didn't work (as it had in the past). Another tactic he likes is telling you that he's "better" than your exes who cheated, and now, apparently, the prospective new guys who may cheat. He has done absolutely zero to prove himself to you. And this is all a ploy to get you back. Do you really want to GPS track his phone, check his emails, monitor his activity to ensure that he's not cheating on you? All the while knowing, there is NOTHING you can do to ensure that. Sure doesn't sound very fun or romantic to me.

 

No, I don't want to do those things. I want to be able to just trust that when he says he's at his guy friend's house, he's really there. I don't want to be the crazy girlfriend checking up on him all the time. It sounds miserable to me.

 

When I make a pro/con list, the cons are easy. The pros are all the things that I thought I knew about him. His beliefs, and values. I think it's hard for me to accept that those things aren't real. He keeps saying that all those things I loved about him are real, and that he just made a really, really bad mistake. He said he got caught up in it. He broke up with me after the first time it happened, and tried to end it with her. But she kept threatening to tell me if he didn't see her again, and so he just kept seeing her. He said he wanted her to leave him, so that he could get out of it without upsetting her. He said he admits that it's a stupid excuse, and said he's ashamed for how much he hurt me. Not just the cheating, but he's admitted to manipulating me and telling me things that he thought would keep me with him.

 

My gut feeling is telling me that he's admitted defeat, and he's being more honest now. I believe that he does feel badly about what he did, and he does regret hurting me. But there's still one thing that I think he's lying about. He said that the fact that he confessed shows that he respects me, and didn't want to continue lying to me. I just don't believe it. I believe he got so caught up in the lies that he had to confess. I think that I still wouldn't know about any of it if she hadn't filed the charges against him. And I worry whether he'd still be sleeping with her, and me not knowing about it. He admitted that the last time he saw her, he led her to believe that he'd see her again. And then a week later, she showed up at his house and his roommate told her that he was with me. She texted him (supposedly) that she was angry he was with me, and she'd get him back. Then he got arrested two days later. He tried to show me the texts to prove this, and put me on a three way call with his attorney today. The attorney told him that they weren't able to subpoena the records because Verizon only keeps texts for 3 days.

 

I know that there are couples who have recovered after an affair. I remember reading some story on here by a guy who said his marriage was better than ever, and they're more honest with each other now. I guess I'm just wondering when that happens versus when the relationship is doomed. How do you know the difference, of when to try and when to walk away.

[mhowe]

I really think you need to stop researching "generic" affair advice and realize that your ex is a pathological liar.

 

The pros' on your list are what you thought you knew. Not reality. It was all lies.

[HeartGoesOn]

How do you know when it's a permanent problem? Is the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" always true, or can people change? Like I said, I'm about 99% sure that I'm just going to continue ignoring him and hoping that it gets easier with time. But I just have these thoughts going through my head on whether it is possible for him to change.

 

No one knows for sure, but there's true meaning in the quotation, "The best predictor of futhure behaviour, is past behaviour."

 

I've blocked him out of my life, and I'm refusing to see him.

 

I'm curious to know how he's able to make all of these promises etc, after you've blocked him out of your life?

[Justnotsure]

I want to respond more fully, but for now, let me say this:

 

If you mistrusted where he was when he said he's with the guys, THAT WOULDN'T MAKE YOU THE "CRAZY GIRL." This guy did nothing but cheat on you (unprotected!!) with both a ons and an ongoing affair. Worrying about where he is/what he tells you, would make you a person with a brain.

 

But this tendency to negative self talk is exactly why you are even considering going back. I know - I've been there and still struggle with taking more responsibility than I should. With a person like this - it is not only dangerous, but lethal. Your only solution is to get away. If you don't, he will take advantage again - only a matter if time.

[LonelyGirl10]

 

 

 

I'm curious to know how he's able to make all of these promises etc, after you've blocked him out of your life?

 

Well, I blocked his email. Blocked him on facebook. Removed all his friends and family as friends on facebook. And I've refused to see him. And got him banned from the cruise that we were supposed to go on together. But, I haven't blocked his phone number or changed my phone number yet. I'm not sure why. I guess I can't bring myself to make that final step for some reason.

[Silvergalaxy]

I haven't read all the posts in detail yet so apologies if I'm repeating something. There were just a couple of things that stood out to me.

 

One, you haven't blocked him out of your life at all if all of his messages are still being received and you are reading them. You have more contact from him now than when you were dating in those last 3 weeks.

 

Two, he didn't have one affair. He pretty much cheated on you for the entirety of your relationship which wasn't even that long. And it wasn't just one girl either. That is a chronic cheater and a liar with no respect for you.

 

Sorry if this sounds harsh but it's the truth and you are really not seeing things clearly right now. I kind of get the impression that you really want to believe he can change so you can convince yourself there's a chance this will work. I almost think getting back with him will be the only way for you to realize what a terrible idea this is when it ends up being a disaster.

[lovepugs86]

You need to know your self-worth and respect yourself enough to just leave all this behind you and start moving forward. This was a reality check for you to start a new beginning in your life and this guy isn't worth anything in your life anymore. He lost his chances now and forever... He needs to deal with the reality and the consequences of ****ing up and I'm sure he will feel it for a lifetime but that's what he should be feeling. I know it's hard to see now, but this really is your chance to start fresh and find yourself again... and also reevaluate what you want/need in a relationship for next time.

[NymphaeaLilly]

LG I'm trying (but failing miserably) to phantom why are you so glued to this guy. You were with him just a year (and from what I can read this relationship wasn't one of those where couple spent 24/7 together) but you are acting as if you spent half your life with him and have a family so you are finding it hard to move on and live without him.

I think you need a reality check coz you even reconsidering this relationship is not just you being delusional but downright scary. What the hell happened in your previous relationships that you are so traumatized that you are thinking of going back to a sociopath who treated you like doormat???

Girl you need to get a grip, wake up and realize what are you doing with your life ASAP!!!

I'm sorry for being harsh but it's hard watching another human being degrading themselves over anyone let alone someone who doesn't deserve them by a mile.

I'm rooting for you LG but you need to start doing the same.

[chitown9]

 

The only part that really confuses me is why he told me the truth. He's begging for me back. Why tell me the truth? He had to know that I would break up with him. If I had caught him, it'd be easier to never speak to him again.

 

This was already explained to you by a prior poster to your thread. The other woman, the swim suit model, was going to tell you. So he told you before she could do it. It would come accross better to you in his mind. ...chi

[chitown9]

 

I know that there are couples who have recovered after an affair. I remember reading some story on here by a guy who said his marriage was better than ever, and they're more honest with each other now. I guess I'm just wondering when that happens versus when the relationship is doomed. How do you know the difference, of when to try and when to walk away.

 

OMG....now you are scaring me. ....chi

[ParisPaulette]

I'm with Andrea 1408 on this one. I think I had previously posted about this guy being a serious problem. He's a chronic cheater who will always keep you hooked in since he knows you will let him get away with it. Sorry, this one is never going to give you anything but pain. You know it and he knows it. You need to seriously stop for a minute and ask yourself what it is you get out of all of this and why you are willing to put up with someone who first belittles you when your instincts are that he's cheating then later confesses he cheated, makes you feel guilty for his actions (really??? REEALLY???) and oh yeah has stalking charges against him. And since he's lied about so many other things why do you believe him that that's not true either??? At this point I really would recommend you seek out someone to help you examine the deeper reasons why you are so willing to put up with the emotional abuse, and it is abuse make no mistake about it, that this man is putting you through. Not to mention risking your life with STDs.

 

Don't you believe you deserve better? There does come a point where no matter what your heart says the brain does have to finally go, "Okay heart, the rest of us have had enough of this crap. Shut the H up and you don't get to dictate what we do until you've calmed down and gotten a clue." I get that you can't control your feelings, I really do--I've been there and done that--but you can control your actions and what you do. As the song says, sometimes love just isn't enough and there's no reason to stay.

[Cherry009]

Wow i am shocked, i am sad to see he is still manipulating you by telling you if you meet someone else u are still risking being cheated on, and even more saddened to see that you are still allowing him to do this. As some others have said this isnt just about one silly little mistake he made that you might be able to get past, this is months of cheating with different women, months of lying to your face and months of him mentally abusing you for HIS betrayles. He is only confessing all to you now because his plan (a) didnt work (blaming you) so now he has moved onto plan (b) acting the sad, lonely guilty guy who thinks if he tells you all it means he is no longer guilty and is a 'good guy' for telling u everything. He is just trying any old trick to get you back....eughhh hes making me sick.

 

I am with Andrea....you need to actually just get a grip now. You are living in a fantasy world if you think the guy you thought he was exists, you know deep down that it was all BS and you are just finding it impossible to understand why.

 

HE ONLY TOLD YOU THE TRUTH BECAUSE THE GIRL HE WAS HAVING SEX WITH BEHIND YOUR BACK THREATENED TO TELL YOU IF HE DIDNT, SO HE THOUGHT IT WOULD LOOK BETTER IF HE TOLD YOU RATHER THAN HER. THAT IS THE ONLY REASON WHY HE TOLD YOU.

 

and no there isnt as much chance of a new guy cheating on you are there is him cheating on you again, you already know he is a complete pathological liar and a total cheat, guaranteed he will do it again, whereas if you meet someone new there is no guarantee of them cheating. Do the maths.

 

Sorry i am getting angry now, you know you are worth more. Take off the rose tinted glasses and see him for what he is. Have you done your STI test yet?

[LonelyGirl10]

I rationally know everything that everyone is saying. I know that I would be a complete idiot to give him another chance. I'm not even talking to my friends about the thoughts going through my head because I know they would yell at me and think badly of me for even considering it.

 

All the promises he's saying are just getting to me. And he's offering to be transparent, by giving me all his passwords until I can trust again. And he's doing other little things, like offering to take me dancing. I always wanted to go dancing with him, but he refused because he doesn't like bars. So I kinda gave that up, and then it hurt when I found out he was taking her to bars. So he offered to take me. I'm controlling my actions by refusing to see him. I just can't seem to control all the thoughts in my head.

 

Someone asked what my past was like. This is a pattern with my relationships. My first real relationship, when I was 17, ended with me finding my ex on a sex website. He somehow turned it around, and made me feel guilty for going on his computer. Also blamed me for being too jealous. The next relationship was during college, and I was always jealous of this one girl he was friends with. He swore that they didn't have a past, and he always told me I was too jealous. He actually asked me to go to couples counseling to help with my jealousy. Then, a year later, she emailed me pictures of him with her cheating. Afterward, he admitted he had a past with her too. The next relationship there was no proof of cheating, but I wasn't the most trusting person either. It bothered me that he cooked dinner for his ex, and went to strip clubs. He told me I was too jealous. Then I met the current guy, and he was perfect. He told me he didn't believe in putting himself in situations where cheating could possibly occur, and promised to treat me with more respect than any other guy. During the first year of our relationship (before the breakup), he never told me I was too jealous. He was really jealous too, and he told me that that part of me didn't bother him. He knew about my past, and he said that he would prove I could trust him. And his actions showed it. He would text me before he went out to dinner with someone, and text me when he got home. And just constantly told me how much he appreciated having me in his life. He did all these little things that just made me trust him. So when people were asking if there was another girl, I said no. Because I honestly did not believe he was capable of doing that. He's really the first person I've ever trusted.

 

And I know that I only dated him for a year. But it was the best and most happy year of my life. We spent probably 5-6 days a week together, and it was just amazing. I really thought I was going to marry him. He helped me overcome all my trust issues. I never wondered where he was. If he told me he was with a guy friend, I believed him. I wanted to marry him, and I wanted a family with him. I thought he was different. I thought he was better. And, I know, it was all a lie.

 

My doctor appointment to be tested for STDs is tomorrow, and my next counseling appointment is Thursday.

[chitown9]

 

My doctor appointment to be tested for STDs is tomorrow, and my next counseling appointment is Thursday.

 

That is real good sweetie...now you need to change your phone number. ....chi

[Justnotsure]

You are not operating in reality. I'm not sure what it will take to get through to you that he is NOT the person he claimed to be, or who you thought he was. I know that's really hard. I know it felt like you hit the finish line and found "the one" and it's hard to deal with that being an illusion. An illusion that you clearly want to hold onto. But -- it's bordering on delusional.

 

He offered to take you dancing? Really? Because he took the girl that he was cheating on you with? And you view that as a positive or proof that he's a good guy? Please think that through. You can forgive the continual, lying, cheating and manipulation if the guy takes you out to dance? Please tell me your standards are higher than that. Also, those stalking charges -- I mean, you don't think he did that when he was losing HER? He wasn't trying to get rid of her, he was trying to hang on. When she slapped him with the stalking charge, then he came running to you. Do you really value yourself so little?

 

The reason that you can't see through the haze and that you actually going backward rather than forward is because you are still heavily enmeshed and actually using him as support to get through this. He is the person who caused it all, and you are leaning on him to fix it.

 

I feel very sad, as I get the feeling that you're not going to let go of this until you, once again, get your heart completely smashed. But -- again, you're the only one who can make the choice.

[Amandacast57]

All the promises he's saying are just getting to me. And he's offering to be transparent, by giving me all his passwords until I can trust again. And he's doing other little things, like offering to take me dancing. I always wanted to go dancing with him, but he refused because he doesn't like bars. So I kinda gave that up, and then it hurt when I found out he was taking her to bars. So he offered to take me. I'm controlling my actions by refusing to see him. I just can't seem to control all the thoughts in my head.

 

I can tell you first hand this won't work. Do you know how easy it is for him to create another email address that you aren't aware of?? Like 5 minutes easy. Sure, he can give you the passwords to the accounts you know of, but what happens if he makes additional ones to contact other females or register for porn sites?

 

My ex ex (the cokehead liar) would text me when he got home. I believed him until I got a pocket dial. Of course, he was pretty stupid and had a blackberry which allowed for pocket dialing. How do you know that when he says he is home, he really is? He can SAY that he will be transparent but how transparent is he REALLY being? There are plenty of ways around this and I wouldn't put it past him to take the time to "reassure" you while still continuing these behaviors.

 

I've told you this put I'm going to say it again REGARDLESS of what happens between the two of you in the future, you need to tell him to respect the fact that you need to deal with this on your OWN. You may be TELLING him to leave you alone or that you'll press charges, but your actions are showing him that you aren't serious and that you WILL respond, at least eventually, if he continues to contact you.

 

Just like you told me my ex has me wrapped around his finger, yours does too. He knows that he can SAY these sweet things to you and SAY these promises and that you will say "Ok babe, no worries". You REALLY need to take time away, for yourself, to better yourself, whether continue to see a counselor, try new things, read a book, exercise, and build up your self esteem.

 

You have a lot going for you and you seriously are going to end up with a pretty crappy marriage being cheated on, with an STD, losing your job (I'm sure my employer would have to let me go if my man kept showing up at my work stalking me) or even dead. Is your LIFE worth this guy?

[Cherry009]

Exactly. Listen to this OP

[ParisPaulette]

All the promises he's saying are just getting to me. And he's offering to be transparent, by giving me all his passwords until I can trust again. And he's doing other little things, like offering to take me dancing. I always wanted to go dancing with him, but he refused because he doesn't like bars. So I kinda gave that up, and then it hurt when I found out he was taking her to bars. So he offered to take me. I'm controlling my actions by refusing to see him. I just can't seem to control all the thoughts in my head.

 

Another one here to tell you this is all crap and more lies. My ex said and did nearly the same identical things. In fact, I had his email and all his passwords to everything the last time we got back together. He was open all the time, even trying to get me to look at his email. I refused because--and this is really, really important for you to understand--I have a huge, gigantic button about privacy issues. And he knew that about me and he counted on my not violating it. He also counted on the fact I could not be with him 24-7 and that he could just set up other accounts and do things whenever I wasn't around. The only way I found out about what he was doing in the end was that he went cold again and he confessed some things to a mutual friend of ours who decided he'd had enough of my pretending everything was okay. The mutual friend actually opened up his email since he had the password too, given to him by my ex, and he showed me the folder labeled "job searches" that contained the emails he was exchanging with another woman he was arranging to date as well as his new profiles to several sex and dating websites. At that point I realized it didn't matter how "open" and "above board" my ex would ever be with me--if his lips were moving he was lying. And worse, I was actually not doing either of us any favors by allowing the whole really emotionally damaging to both of us relationship to continue. Yes, you heard me right, I had my own part to play in all of that and I think it was every bit as damaging for me ex to be with me as it was for me to be with him.

 

Put another way--we were each other's drug of choice. Other people maybe ran to the bottle or to the pills or to the little lines of white powder to escape reality. We didn't need to do that--we ran to each other. The problem is it was still an addiction, a really unhealthy one that kept each of us frozen in time unwilling to confront the far darker, larger issues looming just outside our little circle of codependent insanity. So I walked away and then took responsibility for my life with all of its flaws and problems and I stopped relying on someone else to magically fix my life for me.

 

I know this is really harsh and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, but honey you are caught in a cycle of addiction. And worse, so is he to some degree since it actually can't be any better for him either. You're both so miserable together obviously, but seem incapable of just letting go of each other to find something healthy instead. This may well fall on deaf ears, but I hope some day, somewhere you look up and realize like I did that the only one who can save you is you. Good luck.

[LonelyGirl10]

Your post actually really struck something in me. I was picking up my phone to reply to him, and saw an email that I had a new response on here. Read it, and didn't text him. If I'm completely 100% honest with myself, what I'm doing to him now isn't fair to him either. By responding to him, I'm giving him false hope of getting back together. Just like he did when he kept responding to me after he dumped me. And the rational part of my brain knows that I could never marry him. But there's a part of me that just longs to be in his arms and pretend it never happened because that would temporarily take the pain away. I'm so miserable with everything in my life right now. He cheated on me. My friends are all upset at me for putting up with his behavior for so long. I'm so distracted that it's affecting my work, and my boss noticed and talked to me about it. And being in his arms would make me feel better. It's sad that it would, considering how he treated me... but it would make me feel better. So, I can see what you're saying about it being an addiction.

 

And, I'm grateful that people here are being honest and harsh. This forum has helped me so much. If I didn't have people responding to me on here, it would be easier to to delude myself and go back to him. So although it's hard to read, the harsh replies help me stay strong.

[LonelyGirl10]

How do you know that he really changed though? I had no clue mine was cheating until he confessed. If he hadn't confessed, I would have probably continued dating him without ever finding out about it. So I'm worried that even if I could somehow manage to trust him again, he would completely fool me again. So, how do you trust and know that he really changed?

 

What did you do after you found out he was cheating? Did you take a break from him with no contact? Or did you immediately get back with him? Go to counseling or anything?

 

Thanks for sharing your story. It's a different perspective.