Boyfriend confessed to cheating

[NymphaeaLilly]

Blocking him is like ripping the band aid off, it'll coz one big OUCH and a lot of instant pain but it'll be over very quickly. That's much healthier method than pealing of the band aid a little every day. Some people just don't have the willpower to rip it off and be over with it, like you LG. And that's OK!

The big step was to stop responding to him, and that shows that you are on the right road. You'll block him when you feel ready to. You need to do these things in your own pace and only coz you feel like you can handle it. Doing things coz of the pressure of other people is always contra productive and it can even be a step back.

There's no other "deeper meaning" why are you holding onto him than it's one of your personality flaws on which you need to work on correcting coz it's negatively affecting your life.

 

IMO I don't think he's lying about going to counselor. Those things he said to you about his mother and other stuff sounds like something only professional would conclude.

But that doesn't make him redeemable! He screwed up BIG time and was horrible to you and you should never ever give him another chance coz that would put a stop to any of your personal growth, you'll regress and probably lose all of self-respect you managed to build up.

 

Stay on this course (keep on not responding to his mails and texts and keep going to your counselor) and after some time you'll be strong enough to block his number. That'll probably be the day you really are ready to give up on those illusions you created in your head and move on with your life from this abusive relationship.

[LonelyGirl10]

Thank you Andrea. I feel like I really am trying, and I'm doing as much as I can. I know people are frustrated with me because I won't just block him and be done with it. I've been reading posts on here, and I've seen that it's easy to tell someone to walk away and respect themselves... but for the people going through it, it's not always that easy. I know I've personally felt like I can't be completely honest with my friends, because they'll judge me. And I know other people who have done the same thing, and lied in order to make themselves look better or stronger. Breakups are hard for everyone involved, and I don't think it's easier just because the guy treated you horribly and you should somehow magically just flip a switch and move on.

 

A bit of good news though is that I found out today that all my STD tests came back negative. So that's a huge relief. My next counseling appointment is tomorrow.

[metrogirl]

A relief indeed. I was worried about your state of mind had you come back positive for something.

[Batya33]

I don't think anyone is claiming it's easy. What I was concerned about is your tendency to make excuses as if it's not within your control. It is not easy, but it is within your control and choice. Once you veer from that mindset it's too easy to make excuses.

[LonelyGirl10]

I don't think anyone is claiming it's easy. What I was concerned about is your tendency to make excuses as if it's not within your control. It is not easy, but it is within your control and choice. Once you veer from that mindset it's too easy to make excuses.

 

Oh, no, I know I could block if I chose to. I just can't make that decision for some reason. I can't let go of it yet. I know it's in my control. I don't know why I'm choosing not to. I guess there is some part of me that wants to read the things he's doing to change and improve, even though getting messages from him irritates me.

[Justnotsure]

So, I get how hard it can be to let go. I was in a very odd "relationship" with a guy who had a personality disorder (I'm guessing your x may as well), and it definitely got the point of me saying "I know this is incredibly unhealthy, and that the only decision is to cut ties, but for now, i choose not to." Everyone could yell and scream about how awful he was and how it would stop me from moving forward, but I knew everything that they did -- I just didn't want to stop. The benefit of having his attention and being enmeshed, even though it was abusive and unhealthy outweighed the costs. I straight up made that decision. I knew it was sick on both of our sides - his need to manipulate and my need to let him.

 

Fortunately for me, he was soooo messed up with a madonna/whr thing that he couldn't even get near me, as I was his madonna. So when I finally chose to move on, it was only the emotional tie that I needed to cut.

 

I don't judge that you've made an unhealthy choice and you are choosing to knowingly keep yourself in an abusive situation. But I do think you are in more danger of trying this thing again. Or even - hanging around long enough that he finds a new victim, and you experience the double whammy of him not only doing all of the awful things he has done, but taking his unhealthy focus elsewhere. Of course, it'd be the best thing for you -- but it's going to feel like another break up/devaluation.

 

Just food for thought.

[LonelyGirl10]

I wonder if it ever has a happy ending... Like, does the guy ever completely mess up, realize his mistakes, go to counseling, and the couple get back together and live happily ever after? Like that girl SB was posting about, which I know is a probably made up story. But do you think that ever happens in real life? Where someone completely screws up, but then makes amends and the couple works things out? And I know you're probably going to say that this is worse than just a normal cheating situation. But I just can't make myself believe that my ex is permanently screwed up and will never be a better person again. He seems to really be trying to improve himself.

 

Also, I keep wondering about the chances of this happening again with a new person that I meet. What if the new person is also horrible? And the same thing happens? I don't know how to ever trust anyone again. I feel like I'm starting with the assumption that everyone lies. I even lied to my ex. I really do think that everyone lies, even if they're a "good" person.

[Justnotsure]

You just have distorted thinking patterns right now. That's normal in these situations. You're working really hard to try to find a way for it to be "okay" to go back to him. What if you're the exception, etc etc. The dating pool out there is awful anyway, so why not go with the known evil than the unknown evil. It's your brain working overtime.

 

And yes, this is different than a slip-up cheating situation where if the person is truly remoseful, and the two people both commit to working past the situation, healing is possible after a long period of time. You know that. Because it's not just the cheating - it's the rationalizations and the very unhealthy, distorted view he has on the world. I cannot diagnose a person, but I would not be surprised if he had a personality disorder. And while the symptoms of those can be managed, the personality is fixed. For life. The person I was involved with has been in therapy for 15 years. The only thing that changed was his therapist. Because if they aren't allowed to externalize all blame and if someone tries to hold them accountable - for the long term - they flee.

 

I get that you're just kind of numb to the list of things that he's done, but it far surpasses anyone that you should be banking on changing. And, as for "the new guy may cheat, too" -- that logic is fairly ridiculous. There are plenty of men who don't cheat. But if you continue to try with this guy who has shown you, without a doubt, that he WILL (no having to question or wonder), you will have no opportunity to meet any of them. But you are correct that you will avoid the anxiety of having to wonder if a new person will fool you. You will know what you're doing with. But I don't think it will make you very happy.

 

But everyone has told you all of this. Except for stephaniebunn, aka your ex. If you want to buy his/her version of reality, no one can stop you. And I'm sure he'd be temporarily thrilled to have you back.

 

In my decade of turbulent dating, the one thing that I came away with was: if EVERYONE was telling me one thing, and I wanted to go in the opposite direction -- I was likely headed over a cliff. And that NOT having to go off that cliff every time may have insanely difficult because my foot longed for the gas pedal, I never regretted fighting that instinct, in the long run.

 

Good luck.

[Batya33]

Oh, no, I know I could block if I chose to. I just can't make that decision for some reason. I can't let go of it yet. I know it's in my control. I don't know why I'm choosing not to. I guess there is some part of me that wants to read the things he's doing to change and improve, even though getting messages from him irritates me.

 

You're choosing not to because it brings you more pleasure than pain, it's really that simple. You can make the decision, you just choose not to. "If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice" (it's an old song by Rush). Obviously anything can happen -it's all a risk -but it's how you manage the risk. In my view, relationships are hard enough without being with someone who's shown you he chooses not to be faithful to you or reliable/consistent. Could it happen with someone new? Sure it could but there are ways to manage those risks.

[abitbroken]

I wonder if it ever has a happy ending... Like, does the guy ever completely mess up, realize his mistakes, go to counseling, and the couple get back together and live happily ever after?

 

The happy ending is this:

 

You realize that you can do A LOT better than a confusing cheater. You stop answering his messages. You take some time for yourself, try new things, and eventually meet someone stable who treats you kindly. That is the happy ending. You don't settle for being a doormat.

 

The chancdes of this happening again with a new person depends on how much growth you allow yourself. Once you refuse to be a doormat in life, the guys that treat you like one don't stick. either they aren't interested in you or you reject them

[chitown9]

I wonder if it ever has a happy ending... Like, does the guy ever completely mess up, realize his mistakes, go to counseling, and the couple get back together and live happily ever after?

 

The happy ending is this:

 

You realize that you can do A LOT better than a confusing cheater. You stop answering his messages. You take some time for yourself, try new things, and eventually meet someone stable who treats you kindly. That is the happy ending. You don't settle for being a doormat.

 

The chancdes of this happening again with a new person depends on how much growth you allow yourself. Once you refuse to be a doormat in life, the guys that treat you like one don't stick. either they aren't interested in you or you reject them

 

Yes....this is it. The sooner you give up on this guy the better off you will be....:star: ...chi