Boyfriend confessed to cheating

[LonelyGirl10]

I am not trying to stay in touch with him. I hate him and never want to see him again.

 

I don't think it's fair that I'm punished because he's a horrible person. I'm an attorney, and I'm required to file for secure leave at the courthouse. I'm only allowed two weeks a year. This cruise was one of them, and my second one is for a continuing education class. If I don't go on this cruise, I don't get a vacation till 2014.

 

I want to go. I'm considering telling him so that he does not show up at port. I think I will tell him, and threaten stalking charges if he comes. Do you think that will work?

[metrogirl]

I am not trying to stay in touch with him. I hate him and never want to see him again.

 

I don't think it's fair that I'm punished because he's a horrible person. I'm an attorney, and I'm required to file for secure leave at the courthouse. I'm only allowed two weeks a year. This cruise was one of them, and my second one is for a continuing education class. If I don't go on this cruise, I don't get a vacation till 2014.

 

I want to go. I'm considering telling him so that he does not show up at port. I think I will tell him, and threaten stalking charges if he comes. Do you think that will work?

 

Is it technically stalking if you are still communicating with him?

[LonelyGirl10]

It's not his ticket. It was all in my name, and I paid for the whole thing. Does that change your opinion?

[Justnotsure]

So you paid for HIS ticket, as well and he's STILL saying he's going on the cruise?

 

I mean, this guy...the nerve. Unbelievable.

 

I'm not sure I can even give rational advice. I am angry!!

[LonelyGirl10]

Actually, I could tell him that I cancelled the whole thing. If he thinks I cancelled my ticket too, then he has no motivation to book a ticket or show up.

[Justnotsure]

The fact that you don't think you can tell him that you've cancelled his ticket, and not have to deal with him following you onto the boat sure makes it seem like something similar may have happened to lead to his stalking charges arrest. I wonder if he "confessed" to her, and pulled the same act.

[LonelyGirl10]

The fact that you don't think you can tell him that you've cancelled his ticket, and not have to deal with him following you onto the boat sure makes it seem like something similar may have happened to lead to his stalking charges arrest. I wonder if he "confessed" to her, and pulled the same act.

 

There was one point during breakup that I told him I didn't want to get back together. He showed up at my office. This past Monday, after he confessed the first affair, he showed up at my house and sat outside for an hour. He said he was fighting for me.

[Justnotsure]

You could probably get a stalking restraining order to keep him off the cruise.

 

I don't mean to incite further drama, but it's an option if you think he'd follow you even if you expressly tell him not to. His refusal to stop emailing even after you blocked him, and showing up unwanted several places would likely be enough.

[journeynow]

How was my judgment that bad? How???

 

It wasn't your judgement that was bad, it was his. Don't blame yourself, and try not to stay focused on what happened. That might come later when it's behind you a bit, a good bit. Right now you want to travel toward healing, so focused there, on the person who you will be after you're healed.

[journeynow]

Oh dear, I hope you block his emails and calls. If any situation calls for immediate NC, this does.

 

I'd cancel the cruise, and spend the time somewhere else, or if I couldn't cancel, I'd gift it to a family member. I would not want to run into him at the port, either leaving or returning.

 

I'd draw a line right here and now, step over it, and keep moving. The sooner you leave it in your past, the better. I would not touch his court file, either. I don't know about these things, but are those files for public view? Still, it's not your case, I wouldn't touch it, it keeps you tangled in this awful pit.

 

Right now, reading his emails and communicating with him is like being dragged behind a speeding wreck of a car, all pain and no benefit. Let go, don't let yourself be dragged any further, find your support crew, and care for yourself. Find healthy, nurturing, and supportive things to do, and people to be with.

[abitbroken]

You could probably get a stalking restraining order to keep him off the cruise.

 

I don't mean to incite further drama, but it's an option if you think he'd follow you even if you expressly tell him not to. His refusal to stop emailing even after you blocked him, and showing up unwanted several places would likely be enough.

 

I wouldn't go there. Just reschedule YOUR cruise.

 

If he was not originally going on the cruise, it would be stalking if he showed up, but you guys PLANNED to go on it and he was a booked passenger before this went down. He has every right to show up at the boat for a cruise that he is booked on. If you don't want anything to do with him -reschedule for the next boat. Getting cops to show up at the port is too much drama.

 

I think also putting the restraining order on for the cruise is trying to set a trap for him to fall into when he is SUPPOSED to be there.

 

BTW, if you want him to stop contacting you - have you told him "LEAVE ME ALONE - I don't want anything to do with you?" He might stop showing up to try to talk to you if you do that. I love my boyfriend immensely and he broke up over something I did abruptly, I might also try to move heaven and earth. I would show up outside his window with a boom box if I had to to get another chance. I would jump at the chance for the "can this relationship be saved" cruise to prove myself. But maybe I am dating/aging myself with that reference.

 

So if this guy is not being threatening physically and REALLY just is trying to fight for you - he is not breaking i, he is not being physically menacing - you can't just sit there and take it - you have to tell him very clearly that you do not want him to fight for you and leave you alone. Or get a friend or two to be by your side and agree to talk to him ONCE and state your case with witnesses.

 

That might not be a popular opinion and I didn't read every single response here, but laying it all out for him and changing your cruise might be what you need to do. Maybe if you continue to just evade and ignore he will go away on his own after awhile but if he was a reasonable person in the past, really maybe just giving him what he wants ONE time and once and for all sending him on his way will stop this if you have not.

[Cherry009]

Ok so if u paid for the cruise and it is all in your name then i would just take a friend. They will no way let him on the ship if there is no booking from him. They have also put a note on your room booking to make sure that his name cant be on that room booking. Just tell him you cancelled the whole trip and got your money back. then go with your friend. There is no way they will let him on the ship and i doubt he will ne able to book a cabin the same day the ship leaves.

[Justnotsure]

She booked the cruise and paid for both of their tickets -- so, she has the right to cancel his, and tell him that she has cancelled it. He does not have the right to go on a cruise that she booked and paid for, if she cancels it. The fact that he still believes that he is owed this is honestly unbelievable to me.

 

Also, she cannot change her vacation, or else, I agree the best course of action would be to reschedule her cruise, as well as cancel his ticket. If he chose to purchase a new one, that's his decision.

 

OP, is it possible to cancel the cruise altogether, get your money back, and plan a different vacation for the same week?

[abitbroken]

I missed the part that she paid for it.

 

My ex paid for the cruise - but my passport/name/record was still on record as a passenger in my own right (we were married and it was on his credit card but I had every right as a passenger to change my payment method and stay there and could call with the confirmation number to check on things). If you paid for the cruise - then just tell him the whole cruise was cancelled. That's fine to do - but you HAVE to do it - you can't just see if he'll show up to see if he'll fall into a trap. I would just reschedule still if I were you when a friend could go or i would cancel completely - but that's just me. Just cut ties with the whole mess.

 

It doesn't have to be a song and dance - just say "I cancelled the cruise"

[Justnotsure]

I, in no way, was advocating setting a trap for him, just to be clear.

 

I also think telling him she never wanted to speak to him again, followed by BLOCKING his email address made it clear that she wants no contact. He created a new email account in order to avoid the block.

[LonelyGirl10]

I pulled the court file today. It's public record, so no risk for me. The warrant says that she filed stalking charges because he was calling and texting after she told him to stop, sitting outside her house, and showing up at her job. He's done all that with me, so I tend to believe her. I'm worried I'm going to get subpoenaed to testify. On Monday he told me that he was at my house at time, so I really hope he doesn't use me as a witness.

 

I have blocked him on email and Facebook. I sent him a text the entire cruise was cancelled. Unfortunately that opened up him talking to me. It was just more excuses. He said he slept with girl in Argentina because we were apart for a month and he didn't like having to contact me every day to say he was ok. And, he's still begging for another chance. He said that he could have married me, and I never would have known. He said he loved me, and treated me better than my exes. He said all guys lie, and I'm lucky he told me the truth. He also went on about religion, and that I'm not Christian if I can't forgive.

 

I told him that I regretted ever meeting him. And I told him to never contact me again, or I would file charges against him. He responded that he loved me more than anyone else ever would, and said goodbye.

 

So, the drama part of it is over I hope. Now I have to figure out how to start over this. I'm scared I'm never going to trust again or be able to be in a healthy relationship.

 

My counselor told me yesterday that he was emotionally abusing me. I wonder what she'll say after I tell her all this.

[Not a rookie]

Well done. You handled that really well.

[journeynow]

Unfortunately that opened up him talking to me

 

I think you should reword this: " Unfortunately I didn't block his email, and I chose to read his response. Again." Does it make you feel better to read his response?

[LonelyGirl10]

I think you should reword this: " Unfortunately I didn't block his email, and I chose to read his response. Again." Does it make you feel better to read his response?

 

I had already blocked his email. This was on text, and I had to have the conversation about the cruise with him in order to avoid him showing up for it. I'm not falling in his trap. I'm done, and I mean that.

[Amandacast57]

The only reason you should go on the cruise with him is to throw him off the boat!

[LonelyGirl10]

I spent all day dealing with the drama. I was in shock. I just focused on the important stuff. Blocking him. Cruise details. Changing my house keys. Changing my garage code. Changing my passwords.

 

And now I'm at home, and it's quiet. And I feel so overwhelmed. I'm angry at him for everything. I'm angry at myself for trusting him. I'm embarrassed about the whole situation. And I'm sad. I know that it was all lies, and I know that he is a liar and cheater and horrible person. But I didn't know that side of him until this week. The man I knew was wonderful and perfect, and I thought I was going to marry him. I'm glad I found out the truth, and I'm glad he's out of my life. But I miss that man I knew. I know he wasn't real. But he was real to me. I didn't know any better. And I miss him. I miss the walks on the beach, and I miss laying in bed talking for hours about our hopes and dreams. I miss the sex. That's probably one of the worst parts. I let down so many boundaries with him, and did things that I've never done before because I trusted him more. He is the only guy that has ever given me an orgasm. I completely trusted him. And now that's shattered. It's just completely shattered, and I feel broken.

 

I don't even know how to start healing. I've taken all the steps. Went to counselor. Told friends. But I'm sitting at home alone, and I'm in so much pain. I can't even sleep because my mind won't stop thinking about it all. I wish there was a way to just stop the pain. I just want to stop feeling. I don't want to feel anything.

[tjcalif]

Hi,

I posted the first day you found this new out.. I just read this last page and I must say your sound like a strong and confident women! This is going to take a long time to even process much get over.. But go back and read all the post prior to this and you will see how much progress you made! I know you will be just fine girl.. Don't be sad anymore... Piss on him It really is his loss big time

[LonelyGirl10]

What is wrong with me? Rationally I know that I hate him. Rationally I know he is a bad person, and that I dodged a bullet. But I'm sitting here on the couch, missing him. I had a brief thought go through my head that I'm sad he isn't going on the cruise. We booked it last October, and I've been counting down the days. I was so excited. As soon as the thought went through my head though, I got mad at myself. I know he's a bad person. Why do I miss him? Why do I feel an urge to contact him? Do I really have that little respect for myself? This is not me. I am not a pathetic person. I should not miss him. I should not still want to be in his arms. I should hate him.

 

I can't tell my friends all this stuff, because they will judge me. Everyone here will probably judge me too, but at least you're strangers. I really miss him, and I'm feeling the urge to contact him. And that makes me mad at myself.

[LonelyGirl10]

Reasons to not contact him:

 

1. He cheated on me in April 2012

2. He cheated on me Christmas Day in the office

3. He cheated on me for four months while telling me he was 99% sure he wanted me

4. He cheated on me while he had the cold sore

5. He told me I was too jealous

6. He told me I had trust issues

7. He told me he was with guy friends, and he was with her

8. He texted her while he was at my house

9. He has pending stalking charges filed against him

10. He kept confessing the whole truth, and then I would find out more later

11. He probably gave me some STD

12. He refused to see my friends, but spent time with her friends

13. He wouldn't spend time with my family

14. He wouldn't let me spend time with his family

15. He wouldn't let me go to his house at all for four months during breakup

16. He told me I was insecure

17. He lied over and over and over

18. He pretended to be the perfect boyfriend

19. He made me delete all my pictures of exes, including prom pictures

20. He made me stop talking to all of my guy friends

21. He called me a *hore and a *lut when he found out I had hookups in the past while single

22. He told me he didn't know if he could marry me because I wasn't pure enough for him. That he only dates pure girls

23. He told me yesterday I'll never find someone to love me as much as he did

[NymphaeaLilly]

I never had my heart broken so I can't even phantom the pain you feel right now but I heard it feels almost as if your loved one has died and in a sense the man you wanted to marry did die.

Don't feel bad for missing him coz you aren't really missing HIM per se, you are missing how he made you feel. No matter how fake he and his feelings were, yours were real and that's why it hurts so much now.

But as I said you don't miss him (coz you never really knew him) which means that there's some other guy out there who can make you feel so good again.

There's nothing (healthy) you can do to stop the pain and you shouldn't try to. This pain is what will make you stronger and help you stay on the right course.

In one of my previous posts I said that you seem as someone who doesn't respect herself enough but now I see how much inner strength is in you. This guy made you doubt yourself, he manipulated you into forgetting how strong you are. And the anger and pain you now feel reminded you who you really are.

Don't be embarrassed. You did nothing shameful.

And don't feel bad for having a good sex with him. See it as a learning experience, he made you more aware of your body and next time you are with a guy you'll know what you like.