Boyfriend confessed to cheating

[Cherry009]

 

If so, try looking at the trust from a different angle "[/i] I just don't know how I'll ever distrust my gut feelings again." Much different, if you're willing to take a gamble on trust, giving your gut feelings the benefit of the doubt. We tend to do the opposite, distrust our own feelings and listen to someone else, and when we get hurt we are right it is a trust issue, but fundamentally it is about trusting ourselves.These are just my current ponderings. I suppose it is human nature, we are willing to listen to someone else over listening to ourselves.

 

This is so true

[metrogirl]

And to make it even worse, the girl he cheated on me with was a bathing suit model. So she's gorgeous.

 

So she's gorgeous.....and she has the moral compass of a flea. Nice..

[LonelyGirl10]

Is it true what Cherry009 said, that you had gut feelings about this?

 

If so, try looking at the trust from a different angle "[/i] I just don't know how I'll ever distrust my gut feelings again." Much different, if you're willing to take a gamble on trust, giving your gut feelings the benefit of the doubt. We tend to do the opposite, distrust our own feelings and listen to someone else, and when we get hurt we are right it is a trust issue, but fundamentally it is about trusting ourselves.These are just my current ponderings. I suppose it is human nature, we are willing to listen to someone else over listening to ourselves.

 

I knew that something was off. I really thought that he kissed this girl when he went out on a date with her while we were broken up, and thought he was lying about it. He made me feel horrible for not trusting him though. He said that I have trust issues, and that I'm too insecure. I never thought that he was sleeping with someone while he was with me. Some people on ENA actually suggested it, and I defended him.

 

I posted about his erratic behavior on here. Some people said I was right to mistrust. Others said that I was acting insecure. I always doubt my gut feelings. I always wonder whether I am just insecure.

 

He keeps texting me. Keeps begging to come over tonight. I keep telling him no.

 

I'm debating calling to cancel his cruise ticket, and still going myself. I want to get away from work. But do you think that would just be depressing, and make everything worse?

[Cherry009]

Depends if you think you will just think of him whilst doing everything on the cruise, could you take a friend?

[journeynow]

I'm debating calling to cancel his cruise ticket, and still going myself. I want to get away from work.

 

Can you bring a friend? A sibling? A parent? It might be a good freedom trip

[LonelyGirl10]

I talked to him on the phone tonight. I officially broke up with him. He said so much stuff that messed with my head.

 

He only counts the last time that he slept with her, because he said that we were broken up during the other three months. And his excuse for the last time is that I made him feel bad about the cold sore. And then she showed up at his house, and she didn't care about it. She still wanted him. So, he slept with her.

 

He was begging me to give him another chance, and kept asking me to please not destroy our relationship.

 

He said that I'll never find someone like him again, that I'll never find someone that loves me as much as he did.

 

He can't admit that he's a cheater. He said that's not him, that he just had a lapse of judgment one time.

 

He kept asking why I was refusing to see him, that he didn't understand.

 

He kept talking about how heartbroken he was.

 

He kept telling me that he told me the truth. He admitted it all because he loved me.

 

And then fiinally, he said that he's still planning on going on the cruise. He paid for it. He said he refuses to not go. I was planning on asking a friend to go, but I'd hate to put a third party in the middle of that awkwardness.

 

Part of me still feels really hurt and betrayed. And honestly, part of me feels relieved. It's over. I'm free. And it wasn't my fault. I don't have to keep doubting myself, whether I screwed it up. It's his fault. It is clearly his fault.

[Silvergalaxy]

He was the one who destroyed the relationship. I'm glad you broke up with him. He can't even take responsibility for what he did and is still trying to blame you for his lack of integrity by bringing up the cold sore again. This guy is going to try to manipulate you any chance he gets. I'm sorry this is happening to you but don't let him mess with your head anymore.

 

What are you going to do about the cruise now? I hope you're not still going with him.

[LonelyGirl10]

He was the one who destroyed the relationship. I'm glad you broke up with him. He can't even take responsibility for what he did and is still trying to blame you for his lack of integrity by bringing up the cold sore again. This guy is going to try to manipulate you any chance he gets. I'm sorry this is happening to you but don't let him mess with your head anymore.

 

What are you going to do about the cruise now? I hope you're not still going with him.

 

I don't know what to do about the cruise. I haven't had a vacation in over a year. Work has been rough lately. I really need to get away. Plus I already paid around $550 for this cruise. No refunds allowed. I can't imagine staying here next week and going to work. I need to get away so badly. I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I need a vacation.

[Silvergalaxy]

That's tough but I don't know how much of a vacation this will be if you have to spend it with him while still broken up. I have a feeling if you go, he will talk you into taking him back because it would be too hard otherwise. This will feel like an escape and you will want to believe that things could be good again. He knows this too which is why he's still going, in my opinion.

[LonelyGirl10]

I was feeling sad all day. I think I'm finally starting to get angry. The more excuses he makes, the more angry I feel. He's texting me now about how the devil doesn't want us to be together, and he led him into temptation. But God wants us to be together, and God has a plan for us. And I need to follow God's plan.

 

He also reactivated his facebook today I guess, and looked at my profile and saw I changed my relationship status. Then deactivated again. I want to delete him as a friend, but I can't find his profile to do it.

[Ms Darcy]

I just don't know how I'm ever going to trust again. I really thought he was different. I've been cheated on in the past, but it was no huge shock. The guys didn't have good morals. But this guy did. I just can't believe it. It just doesn't make sense with everything that I know about him. I feel like that if he can do this, then anyone can. I feel bitter, and cynical. And I can't stop crying.

 

He's been texting me all day. Stuff like "I do want to feel like I did before with you. Hopelessly in love. I want that back. I feel we could have that." And "I know I can't love anybody as much as I used to love you. I know that. I messed up alot and I'm sorry. I know it's tough. Please try to forgive me."

 

I wish peope would take the advice here sometimes

 

He was hot and cold. Hot and cold (and he was a freggin' iceberg) is a huge red flag that if someone is not in the picture that he wants you out of the picture.

 

Eventually, you need to get some therapy so you can start healing some of these wounds and start really understanding these relationship patterns.

[LonelyGirl10]

I am not thinking about getting back together with him. I broke up with him, and that's it. I would never be able to respect myself if I went back. But... he keeps telling me how much he loves me. And that he's sorry. And that it was a mistake. And that he wants to marry me. Do you think it's possible he's telling the truth? Or is he just full of ****? I've never cheated... can you love someone and cheat? He keeps pointing out that he told me the truth, and that I wouldn't know if he hadn't told me. Which is true, technically. He said he told the truth because he wanted to start fresh with me. That he wanted to build our relationship back up. And it is causing me to doubt things a little bit. He did tell me the truth. If I cheated, I don't know if I would have the courage to confess. I don't know. I'm all mixed up. When it really comes down to it, he slept with someone else while he was telling me that he loved me. I can't forgive that. But why did he tell me the truth?

[diamond78]

What is blowing my mind right now is that he waited after he had sex with you again to tell you this!!! So, to me he is still treating you with disrespect. He should have told you this before you laid down with him again while he had been sleeping with her just less than 2 weeks ago with no protection.

 

So, no...his excuses and pleas for forgiveness do not ring true to me since he waited until after he had you in a very vulnerable state to give you this information. He should have at least had the decency to give you the heads-up before you were intimate again.

 

Also, the fact that he keeps making excuses for this and not really showing remorse is a huge red flag. I wouldn't feel confident that he wouldn't be able to resist the girl or another future temptation.

 

It's just not worth it. You'll be forever paranoid if you two got back together. Save yourself the headache and the emotional roller coaster that would surely follow for YOU.

 

This is very hurtful news, but try to be strong!

[IAmFCA]

LG10 --

 

My other post in another thread doesn't make sense, now that I have read your posts here. My advise: who cares about his "why". Nobody knows. Other people will have answers, some of which anger you and some will make sense, but all of them are assumptions. And none of them matter.

 

Did he give you what you want? Sometimes? But in total? No.

 

His responsibility is to supply you with enough relationship benefits that being with him actually makes your life better. Your job is to do the same for him. When he stops doing that, your job is to recognize it, give him a chance to fix it, and/or move on.

 

I am so sorry for your pain.

[Silvergalaxy]

The way he's acting and what he's saying is extremely typical in these situations. It means nothing. I understand the compulsion to believe him but while he's saying these things now, he also:

 

1) Tried to get back with you while having sex with another girl at the same time

2) Cheated on you

3) Lied about it

4) Blamed you for his actions

5) Waited until after he slept with you and exposed you to a risk of STDs before he told you

6) Still refuses to take full responsibility for his cheating and keeps making excuses

 

The trust is gone along with the possibility for a healthy relationship.

 

To answer your question, he only admitted it to you either because he thought you would find anyway or because he wanted to ease his conscience and tell himself he's a good person. You have all the information you need so it's up to you what you do with it.

[LonelyGirl10]

Thank you for this. I know rationally all those things. But it just hurts. I finally let myself feel it for the first time today, and I just cried and cried just now. I picture him with her, and it hurts so badly. Then I think of all the things he told me, and it just hurts. It hurts more than anything has ever hurt. And its worse because he won't leave me alone. He keeps texting that he'll wait for me, and that he loves me. And it hurts to hear those things. Because all I wanted was him. When he broke up with me in December, I sat at home waiting for him. I went out once with one guy during those four months, and backed off when he tried to kiss me and told him I couldn't see him again because I was still in love with my ex. I was sitting at home, posting on here about how much I wanted him. And he was sleeping with her. It just hurts so freaking much. I want the pain to go away.I'd do anything to just make the pain go away.

 

I need to see these things though, because I need people to help me be strong. I don't want to go back to him. I want to put myself first, and I want to respect myself.

[Cherry009]

When he broke up with her, she threatened to tell me. He still broke up with her. So she filed stalking charges against him, and he has to go to court. He said that he was with me at the time that she filed the charges against him. Karma's a *****.

 

This is the reason he told you about it- because he knew you would find out one way or another- She was threatening to tell you herself.

 

He is awful, still not completely owning upto his actions and saying that you are destroying the relationship by leaving him?!?! HELLO!!!!.....HE destroyed it when he slept with that girl. DONT LET HIM MANIPULATE YOU.

[SapphireNoir10]

Oneday when your happy and moved on you'll see it as a blessing you know this, that you didn't waste your life on someone that could do this to you and then find out 10 years down the line.

[LonelyGirl10]

I woke up feeling a little better. Not much. I have several texts from him, saying how disgusted he is with himself, and that he's going to fight for me.

 

I hadn't posted this part of the story on this forum before, but he confessed to me in February that one of the reasons that he broke up with me was because he started watching porn about a month before our breakup. He believes porn is wrong, and similar to cheating. He told me that he had to confess the whole truth, and let me know everything, before he could be back together with me. I thought it was so good that he confessed, that I took him back. And that whole time, he was still sleeping with that girl. Why confess the porn? What was the purpose of a partial confession?

 

His texts messages last night really offended me. He said that he cheated because God wasn't in our relationship. By me having sex with him before marriage, it was a slippery slope. His desire wasn't as much for me, and it led him to having sex with her. So he said that he's not having sex again before marriage. I respect people who make that choice. But I had sex with him before marriage, and I never felt the urge to jump into bed with someone else.

[LonelyGirl10]

I keep thinking about everything that happened. He's convinced that he only cheated once. And I guess that's technically true. But I remember standing in my kitchen in January and February, and making out with him. He was trying to convince me to have sex, and I told him no. I told him I wouldn't respect myself if I slept with him. And now I know that he was sleeping with her then too. And then also, for three months, he kept telling me that he was 99% sure that he wanted to get back together with me. I kept trying to be perfect in order to get that extra 1%. And the whole time he was saying that to me, he was sleeping with her. How can he call that not cheating?

 

I even feel sorry for her, weird as that is. He told me that he told her that he was broken up with me, and that she got really upset when he told her three months later that he was getting back together with me. I asked him if she thought he was her boyfriend, and he said he didn't know. He said "we never talked about it or defined it." But she was sleeping at his house. His roommates knew about the whole thing. I feel like such a fool.

[Cherry009]

He just gets worse and worse! Good on you for not taking him back. Are you replying to his texts? I hope not.

[LonelyGirl10]

He just gets worse and worse! Good on you for not taking him back. Are you replying to his texts? I hope not.

 

I'm ignoring most of them. Occasionally he will say something that really pisses me off, and I'll respond. Like 10 minutes ago: "I could have waited, I could have lied more. I could have waited until you were more in love with me. Maybe I should have, maybe that would have been better."

[Justnotsure]

LonelyGirl --

 

I've been following this for a long time. I shared my story with you a few months ago, back when your ex-boyfriend was jerking you around and not seeing you -- he cancelled on the basketball game, saying that he was sick? Something about him just "felt" like the guy I dated several years ago, who -- also turned out to be cheating on me.

 

Please stop listening to him. The thing is - you're still emotionally invested, even though he has done the most awful thing that someone can do to you. He took your trust, your care for him, your relationship - and he trampled all over it. He is at the core - selfish, weak, and manipulative. He has somehow convinced himself that you are partially to blame for this. He probably believes it -- which, if you think about it, is REALLY scary. Because - if he is someone who can convince himself of this -- how could you ever, ever trust him? You do not have the same view on reality.

 

I am ashamed to say that I took my ex back briefly because I loved him so much, and because I wanted so badly to believe the lies and manipulation that took place in the aftermath. It felt like the only way to survive. But here is what happens when you go back -- he'll be really sweet for awhile, caring, he'll be so happy that he's been able to assuage his guilt by you validating that he's not such a bad guy. And then in a month, he won't want to see you because he's busy, and you'll feel really insecure about it. And because you've done this wonderful thing by forgiving him, you'll think that he should understand your insecurity and make you feel better. That's when he'll repeat the cycle of emotional abuse by telling you that it's your fault and you need to fully forgive him, or else you will ruin the relationship. Then you will have the same conversation umpteenth times, until things finally fall apart completely -- but you'll have spent all of that time investing in a losing relationship, rather than going through the pain of the breakup and getting to the other side.

 

I know you haven't gone back to him -- but you're listening to him. And you want to believe. And that's dangerous.

 

Believe this: not all men cheat. You can find someone who will not do this. You can find someone who takes personal responsibility for themselves, rather than blaming all of their actions on outside influences (God, porn, premarital sex, you asking him a question about a cold sore) -- in the entire aftermath of this thing, he has not taken ANY personal responsibility. A person like that makes a terrible partner. He's quick to tell you how good he is and how he's "better" than your other boyfriends -- but his actions are 180 degrees in the other direction.

 

Cut him off completely. It's the only way.

[metrogirl]

He's stooping to a new low when he brings God into the picture. If he is a God fearing man, then he wouldn't be sticking his penis where it doesn't belong. All of a sudden, he finds himself single and he wants to use the God card. BS....BS......BS.... you don't get to pick and choose when you want to be a good Christian man. Either you are or you aren't and he clearly isn't. So tell him to take his religious views and stick them where the sun doesn't shine. He should probably spend a little more time in church and less time texting you all of his nonsense.

 

I swear he made my blood boil and he didn't even screw me over.

[LonelyGirl10]

This is what is keeping me away from him. I've already kinda gone through this, although I didn't realize he was cheating at the time. When I got back together with him, he was perfect and loving at first. He wanted to prove that he would treat me right. Then he got the cold sore, and I asked the common sense question of whether he kissed anyone else. And he flipped it, and blamed me for not trusting him. I tried to explain that I had trust issues because he left me, and such. But he made it all my fault. And now I know that while he was blaming me, he had sex with her during those same 3 weeks that he refused to see me. So I know that if I give in, it will be amazing at first. And then I know that the first time we have a problem, he'll switch it on me again.

 

But it is hard. I don't understand why I still want him. I tell myself that if I had even an ounce of respect for myself, I'd be completely ignoring him right now. So thank you for sharing your story with me. Makes me feel more normal.