Boyfriend confessed to cheating

[SapphireNoir10]

DO NOT give in.

 

He cheated. She turned on him. Is filing stalking charges and now he wants to be with you? OUCH. It wasn't like he JUST slept with her he was obviously texting and calling all the time and made her uncomfortable.

 

He is a real piece of work. I'm so sorry. I really feel for you.

[SapphireNoir10]

Also counselling can only be a good thing after a break up.

[LonelyGirl10]

I made an appointment today with a counselor. I've never done counseling before, so I don't know what to expect. I've always thought that people should handle their own problems, and be strong. But this is just too much. I know that I need help. I know that me still considering going on a cruise with him means that there is something wrong with me.

 

He finally stopped texting and emailing around midnight last night, and it started back up at 7 this morning. I was ignoring it. But I replied that I am seeing a counselor today, and asked him to please respect me and leave me alone. He replied that he would give me my space, and then encouraged me to talk to his pastor friend instead of a counselor so that I wouldn't get a liberal perspective. His pastor friend is the one that told him this happened because we had premarital sex and let God out of our relationship. So definitely not talking to him. Luckily, I haven't heard anything from my ex since then.

 

I did find out more about the stalking charges. He was arrested last Monday at work. They actually put him in jail. Easter weekend he was at my house Thursday night - Monday morning. It was a perfect weekend. I remember thinking how our relationship was finally getting back to normal. Well, apparently, this girl showed up at his house and asked his roommates where he was on Easter. Then she went to his dad's house to look for him. His dad told her that he was at my house, and that's when she supposedly filed the stalking charges against him. His court date is on the 25th, but he seems pretty confident that it will be dismissed. I'm just in shock that while I was happy with my boyfriend, this girl was going around his house and his dad's house looking for him. I had no clue. I'm sure his roommates or dad probably called him, but I was completely in the dark about it. And then he got arrested. I remember talking to him on the phone that Monday, and asking how his day was. That's a pretty big detail to leave out.

[Cherry009]

So did he stalk her or not? Its strange that she has filed this stalking case against him but she is the one going around looking for him? Why did she do that?

[LonelyGirl10]

So did he stalk her or not? Its strange that she has filed this stalking case against him but she is the one going around looking for him? Why did she do that?

 

I don't know. I'm only hearing the story from him. I sent her a message, but no response. He told me that she was looking for him Easter weekend. When she found out that he was at my place, she filed the stalking charges and he was arrested at work the next day. He said that she did it as revenge since he got back together with me. I have no clue if that's the truth or not. What do you think?

[mhowe]

I think that as you know you talked to him on Mon of that week, and he never mentioned he's been in jail and for what --- that he is lying about much of this.

[Justnotsure]

I think it's great that you are seeing a counselor.

[Cherry009]

I don't know. I'm only hearing the story from him. I sent her a message, but no response. He told me that she was looking for him Easter weekend. When she found out that he was at my place, she filed the stalking charges and he was arrested at work the next day. He said that she did it as revenge since he got back together with me. I have no clue if that's the truth or not. What do you think?

 

The pair of them sound nuts! Well we know that most of the stuff that comes of your ex's mouth is BS so i wouldn't take what he says that seriously. Does it really matter anymore? You need to start working on getting over all this now rather than digging deeper into it. You will never really know what the truth is now. He will probably tell you anything he thinks that might get you back.

[metrogirl]

Im calling BS on the arrest thing. I think he's saying that so that you feel bad for him and continue talking to him while he deals with 'court dates'. I think at this point he will say or do anything to get you to talk or interact with him and you are certainly falling for it.

 

Don't get sucked in.

[NymphaeaLilly]

LG I think it's great that you decided to go to the counselor, it's a big step and one in the right direction. Be proud of yourself.

You should stop digging for the "truth" coz there's never THE truth just different views on the same thing. He already proved to be a liar and she an immoral person, I don't think ether of them would tell you what really happened. And does it matter anyway? It has nothing to do with you now (I mean the court thing and arrest).

I can't even image in how much pain you are now but try to stay strong and defy your basic impulse which tells you to forgive him.

[LonelyGirl10]

Im calling BS on the arrest thing. I think he's saying that so that you feel bad for him and continue talking to him while he deals with 'court dates'. I think at this point he will say or do anything to get you to talk or interact with him and you are certainly falling for it.

 

Don't get sucked in.

 

I unfortunately believe that he did get arrested. Part of me thinks that he told me everything because I'm an attorney, and the chances of someone seeing him in court and telling me about it are pretty high. It's a small town, and everyone knows I'm dating him. I'm actually praying that my supervisors are not in court that day. I'm starting to think that he was forced to tell me the truth. If he hadn't gotten arrested, I bet I never would have known any of this crap and would still be dating him.

[LonelyGirl10]

I met with the counselor today. I think I was hoping that she would say something amazing, and make me feel better. She didn't. She is planning on 7 sessions, with homework. She said that she thinks I'm too critical of myself, and she wants to work on my self-confidence. She said that she thinks it's a positive step that I'm asking for help. She did say that she thought what my ex did was a form of emotional abuse, and encouraged me to cut contact until my 7 sessions are completed.

 

I actually haven't heard from him since around 7AM today. It's a relief that the constant messaging stopped. But now I'm also wondering whether he decided to go back to the other girl. I know that it shouldn't matter. But it does. And it hurts.

[LonelyGirl10]

I need someone to talk some sense into me. I hadn't heard from him all day. Then he sends me a long email with another devotional, which I'm posting part of below. And I'm about to respond to him and completely lose my temper. I want to tell him how what he said makes me feel. Can I?

 

I've been desiring worldly things. I've been focused on getting what I want, and getting it now. I've been focused on making more money to make my life better, I've been focused on fulling my sexual needs, and I've lusted. The translation above uses the word "desires" but a better word is lust... Lust actually means "desires the forbidden". I've desired things which were wrong. I lusted when I looked at pornography, I lusted when I was so set on making more money. Making more money isn't bad, but when you think that making more money is going to bring you happiness then that is wrong. 1 Timothy 6:10 says, "For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows." Greed is wrong, and ive been greedy. Even the last part of our relationship I was greedy, focusing on my needs and my wants.

 

I have lusted for things which I shouldn't desire, I've turned my focus from God to earthly things to bring my my happiness... and according to this verse I am an adulterer for it. I've cheated against God. My friendship with the world has made me an enemy of God's. Thats exactly what the verse says.

 

It almost sounds nice. Like he's decided to put me first. But the part that upsets me so much is that he said that he put his sexual needs first, and he lusted. I went out of my way to satisfy his sexual needs. I tried every single fantasy that he asked me to do. For the year that we dated, before the breakup, there was not a single day that we saw each other and didn't have sex. He always told me that it was the best sexual relationship that he had ever had. I even tried things with him that I had always refused to try with other partners. I trusted him more, and I let down my boundaries. I did a lot of "firsts" with him. And this makes me feel like I wasn't enough, and didn't satisfy him. Which, he cheated. So I guess I wasn't enough. But it's mean to say this to me, right?? I feel like he's saying that he desired her more because she was a model and prettier than me.

[NymphaeaLilly]

According to this verse he's an adulterer??? So he didn't "know" he's an adulterer till he read this???

And he cheated against God??? ***!!! He cheated against YOU!!!

Arghhh...this guy has a lot of nerve.

Right now he'll say anything and everything just to get some kind of reaction. YOU aren't the problem here, his weak character is. I don't know if he always talks like this (so religiously) but it looks like he's hiding behind religion. Not once did he men up and said "I'm a scumbag who is so weak that I couldn't keep it in my pants" (not that that should make him worth of forgiveness). He's blaming all of this on external forces (God, devil, you, her...) when the only one to blame is him.

 

And if he goes to the other girl I get that it would crush you but in the long run it will help you heal faster. Don't lose hope that everything will be better...it's always darkest before the dawn.

[Cherry009]

He is manipulating and brain washing you.You know this deep down. IGNORE HIM.

[LonelyGirl10]

I got angry, and responded. And then he sent me another email, which just made it even worse:

 

In my email I was talking about my lust after you. I wasn't talking about her. Please, please please know that is true.

 

I desired you only during our relationship until I started looking at porn.

 

What I was trying to say was that me desiring only you is ok....but me having sex with you was not ok. Me lusting after your body before we are married isn't what God wants me to do. Yes pretty much everybody does it and the secular world encourages it. Do you remember laying in bed with me asking me if I thought premarital sex was ok?

 

The secular world isn't right...thats why over 50% of first marriages fail. The only way for a marriage to truly work is to do it God's way. And thats what I want to try to do. I'm tired of messing up.

 

So, now it's my fault again for having sex with him before marriage. I just keep getting more angry. I want to forgive him so he doesn't have power over me. I want to put this behind me, and move on. I have to somehow figure out how to let it go. I don't want to hate him, but I do.

[NymphaeaLilly]

Haha..this guy's unbelievable. And he calls himself a Christian.

He just doesn't get it that having sex with your partner isn't the problem but having sex on the side is a deal breaker. All this talk about what God wants him to do sounds like ether he's a little dense or he thinks you are and you'll buy all of his BS.

Being a good Christian doesn't mean hiding behind religion and using it when it suits you.

I'm not even getting into the whole "premarital sex is the reason why over 50% of first marriages fail".

I think it's too early for you to forgive him. It's even desirable for you to be angry right now coz that way you'll get all of your frustration out and won't repress anything that could come to hunt you later. Anger is what gives you initial strength to move on so don't try to smother it.

Just keep venting on this thread, we are all here for you.

[metrogirl]

He's a really bad Christian in my opinion. Perhaps his time would be better spent talking to someone in authority in his church and not so much sending lengthy rambling emails trying to convince you ever so subtly that it's your fault that he's a dog.

[LonelyGirl10]

I love you guys. You are helping to keep me sane. Thank you.

[mhowe]

In order to take control of your life and emotions, I would suggest you simply delete these ridiculous emails with out reading them. They will only serve to continue spinning your emotions.

 

You can choose to hit the delete button. You know there is no justification for his behavior -- not in the Bible, and not in reality.

[metrogirl]

I agree with mhowe.

 

What purpose does it serve to read his messages? You'll only become more and more angry and start to question whether it was really your fault that he has a wayward penis. Next time a message shows up in your inbox, just delete it without reading it. In fact, can you block his emails and texts, change your cell number maybe or just use a function on your phone that will prevent your phone from showing his calls or texts?

[NymphaeaLilly]

I also agree it's best to not read his mails but I understand if you don't have willpower to do that. I know I wouldn't be able to just delete them without reading first coz I'm very curious person...but than again we all know what killed the cat.

[LonelyGirl10]

Yeah, I need to stop reading them. Because I can't help but respond to them. And responding is probably just making everything worse. I told him on Tuesday that I was thinking of contacting the girl. He told me she would lie, but he didn't ask me to not contact him. So, just now, I sent him an email telling him that I did contact her. This was his response:

 

I wish I could do something to help you. Michelle is very upset with me because I lied to her also and I treated her badly. My court order was for me to not contact her or to have any of my friends contact her...I hope that she doesn't use that against me in court. Honestly, she might be able to take your message to the police and I get locked up again. I wish you had waited until after my court date. I understand why you did that and I'm not upset...but honestly. She will do anything to get back at me. She is unstable. I'm not trying to cover my tracks or lie about anything else. She went to the cops and pressed charges against me for something I didn't do. She lied to the police about me....I don't trust her to tell you the truth. I didn't sleep with her during your cruise last year or before we broke up. That's the honest truth. She doesn't want me to be with you because she wanted me and I treated her like crap. She told me that nobody had ever broken up with her. She has a very high self image and when I didn't show as much interest as she wanted she flipped out. You can ask my roomates, you can view my texts if im allowed to have them after the court to show you everything.

 

I'm going to the courthouse today for an unrelated case, and I'm going to pull a copy of his file. Maybe it will have a statement in it from her.

 

I'm so curious if what he's saying is true. Did he dump her for me, and she freaked out? Or did she dump him, he stalked her, and he's lying about it? I know it shouldn't make a difference, but it does for my self-confidence. If he dumped that pretty girl for me, then that makes me feel a little better. Not better enough to forgive him, but still helps my pride.

[mhowe]

Please stop responding to him.

 

You are an intelligent woman. He has lied to you, and he is telling you that he lied to her. Anymore facts are irrelevant.

[metrogirl]

He wants you to ask his roommates, the same ones that knew he was sleeping with her and said nothing? Yeah, I'd believe them.