Boyfriend confessed to cheating

[LonelyGirl10]

He's stooping to a new low when he brings God into the picture. If he is a God fearing man, then he wouldn't be sticking his penis where it doesn't belong. All of a sudden, he finds himself single and he wants to use the God card. BS....BS......BS.... you don't get to pick and choose when you want to be a good Christian man. Either you are or you aren't and he clearly isn't. So tell him to take his religious views and stick them where the sun doesn't shine. He should probably spend a little more time in church and less time texting you all of his nonsense.

 

I swear he made my blood boil and he didn't even screw me over.

 

He's always talked like that. It's what made me fall in love with him, because I'm very religious. When I met him, he told me that a man should put God first, then his wife, then himself. He said that he didn't believe in opposite sex friends or watching porn, because it was cheating in your heart. He said that the Bible tells you that even thoughts can be unfaithful, and that you should respect your partner above everything else. I fell for it. Fell for it completely. I had gotten out of a relationship with a guy who thought pretty much everything was fine as long as he confessed afterward. So hearing all this just made me fall in love so quick. And the thing is, I trusted him so much because he always talked about how important religion and leading a pure life was to him. I thought he was a good man.

[metrogirl]

Well he talked a good game but didn't follow through with actions. You see who he really is, he isn't anything that he potrayed himself to be. He is a fraud and he should be ashamed of himself for claiming to be someone that he isn't. He used that as a ruse, so shameful. Pitiful, really when you think about it that he has to go through all of that to get a girl.

 

I know you really want a vacation but going on a cruise with him is recipe for disaster. Don't do it. I don't care if I had invensted 1500 dollars in that cruise, I wouldn't be anywhere on a ship with him.

[Justnotsure]

It has nothing to do with respect for yourself, and everything to do with the fact that you love him. And -- YOU didn't do anything to screw this up. So it feels...unfair, maddening, unfathomable that without any action on your part, your life is a mess and you feel worse than you could have ever imagined. And I think we almost have this switch within ourselves to blunt out some of the shock/pain. It's as if you could not handle it if it were all to truly come in -- so there is probably a little bit of that. It hasn't fully hit you yet.

 

I remember when I was in that situation -- I didn't know what to do, where to turn, how to just BE OK, and I remember thinking, all I want is to fall into his arms and have him hold me -- but HE caused all of this.

 

Very, very normal. Just don't give into it -- you've already had a sneak peak of what happens when you do...

[LonelyGirl10]

It has nothing to do with respect for yourself, and everything to do with the fact that you love him. And -- YOU didn't do anything to screw this up. So it feels...unfair, maddening, unfathomable that without any action on your part, your life is a mess and you feel worse than you could have ever imagined. And I think we almost have this switch within ourselves to blunt out some of the shock/pain. It's as if you could not handle it if it were all to truly come in -- so there is probably a little bit of that. It hasn't fully hit you yet.

 

That's exactly how I feel. I somehow went to work yesterday, talked to people, acted like everything was fine. Completely broke down crying last night, and then it's like I put it in a little box again this morning. It almost feels like it happened to someone else.

 

The worst part to me isn't the cheating. The worst part is how he messed with my head, and manipulated me. He made me feel insecure, and he made me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. I remember him telling me two weeks ago (so this is AFTER he had sex with her while officially in a relationship with me) that he didn't think he could date me because I make him feel bad about himself, and I cross examine him, and make him feel defensive, and that I need therapy. I apologized, and told him that he was a good man.

 

The only part that really confuses me is why he told me the truth. He's begging for me back. Why tell me the truth? He had to know that I would break up with him. If I had caught him, it'd be easier to never speak to him again.

 

The other thing that is so messed up is that he always made me feel really badly about my past. During one of our discussion last July, he found out that I had had a year where I was single, and flirted a lot in bars. I'm not proud of it, but I admitted to him that I had oral sex with some guys during that year. He broke up with me. Called me a *hore. Said he couldn't trust me. Said I wasn't pure. I begged for forgiveness. He took me back. And now all this.

[Justnotsure]

It's called projection. He couldn't stand seeing any of those qualities within you (and btw, flirting in bars and having some innocent hook ups, while single, does not make you a bad person, nor is it even close to comparable to his actions) -- because they are qualities that he hates within himself.

 

I'm always so wary of people who feel the need to announce how "good" they are. And are so quick to judge others. It truly seems that 10/10 times, these people are hiding some pretty ugly secrets.

 

All of the twisting and manipulating is an effort to get you back, but that's not even the primary motivation, LG -- it's ALL ABOUT HIM. He needs to feel okay with himself. He has an "image" that he needs to protect -- not only to the outside world, but also internally. He truly, truly does not see himself as a liar and a cheater. That is the WORST part.

 

He told you the truth because 1) he had justifiable (in his mind) reasons, and thought that because you are so in love with him and have believed his bs over and over - that you certainly would again. Perhaps not right off the bat - but eventually, and 2) to assuage his own guilt for the "one time" it "may have been wrong"

 

Just remember - this is all about him. You are completely secondary. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you really, really need to look out for you.

[LonelyGirl10]

I know. I'm trying to remind myself of that. I wish he would just leave me alone. He's making it harder by begging. He told me that if I gave him another chance, he'd want to do daily devotionals where we talk openly about our relationship. And he'd want to pray together, and go to church together. And be pure together. I'd love to have that type of relationship, but he's a fake. I keep having to tell myself that. He is saying what I want to hear, but it's meaningless.

 

I told him that I felt like our whole relationship was a lie. He got mad, and said that I know that's not true. But I don't know that. I don't know how the person that I thought he was could do something like this.

 

And he also said that he's having suicidal thoughts. So I'm worried about him. Worried about him.

 

I feel like my life has been turned upside down. This should not be my life. I'm an attractive woman. I'm an attorney. I'm smart. Why did this happen to me.

[metrogirl]

Well he wasn't having suicidal thought when he was banging the other girl so I call BS on that too. He just wants you to feel sorry for him and he's trying to guilt you into forgiving him. What a donkey, I swear.

[Justnotsure]

I know when you're in the situation it feels different -- but, he's pulling textbook stuff. And once again, trying to shift the blame to YOU. I mean, you're being so cold that he's suicidal! Please. He's playing on your goodwill, and is desperate to somehow make himself the victim.

 

The answer to your question is -- bad things happen to everyone. No matter how successful/attractive/good, whatever you are. No one is immune to the realities of the world. But here's the great news -- this doesn't have to be your life. Because you're not the one with all of the character flaws. You get to walk away from this thing -- and still be the attractive, smart lawyer -- who once had a boyfriend who was such an incredible creep that he actually thought you -- as a smart, attractive, good catch -- were going to deal with all of this. What a joke. That is how you can and will feel a year from now, if you choose to walk.

[LonelyGirl10]

I know. And I'm also rational enough to know that I'm not the only person that has felt this way, and that I will get over it. But when I met him, I thought he was the one. I remember thinking what a great guy he was. And I remember telling all my friends that they shouldn't settle, because I didn't and I finally found my perfect match. And I remember thinking that all the bad relationships were finally worth it, because it led me to him. And now, I'm just in shock. Rationally, I know he wasn't the person I thought he was. But how do I trust in the future? If even the good guys, or what I thought was a good guy, can do this... then there's no hope. I'm 28 years old. I want to find a man who will treat me with respect.

 

He's started saying that if I really loved him, I would forgive him and go to counseling with him. That I would try to accept that he made a mistake. I always thought that I would stay with someone no matter what, through thick and thin. But now I can't stay with him. And it makes me feel guilty.

[NJ0101]

I seriously went through something SO similar a few times with my ex. The first time we broke up was after we had been dating for a year, but we started hanging out again like 2 weeks later. We weren't officially together, but we were working towards that. Like two months later, we were officially back together. I thought the whole time we were "broken up" we were still really together, because I was with him pretty much every day and he told me I was the only girl he was with! But after I went through his old emails and other things like monthss later, I got him to finally admit that he was having sex with another girl during that time, too!! And he seriously would make me feel like I was crazy for hating this girl and being suspicious.

 

After that I obviously had serious trust issues and wouldn't trust him to do anything without me. He started getting annoyed because he "did a 180" and I still didn't trust him. SO.. he made it seem like I had to work on my problems in order for us to stay together. So, I was trying really hard to trust him, changing myself, going against all my instincts, and he would get mad at me if I ever acted crazy!! Then, I finally looked through his emails and found out another girl sent him naked pictures within that month!! Like really what a douchebag!! He made me think I was insane and had a million issues to work on, but really I was right the whole time. And he would do the same thing as your ex did when he was mad at me over our ridiculous fights (unlike your ex, he wouldn't go WEEKS without seeing me), but he would ignore me for DAYS.. and that was bad enough!! I'd ALWAYSS end up apologizing, when usually, I didn't even do anything wrong.

 

Seriously do notttt let him come back to you, no matter how much he cries or shows up with flowers or whatever. I did that once with him, but learned my lesson. I finally broke up with him for good this time in January and I honestly haven't been this happy in soooo long.

[LonelyGirl10]

Thank you for sharing your story. Hearing all these stories is helping me to stay strong. I need to hear all the bad things that will happen if I give in.

 

Sooo... an email that he just sent me:

 

I came accross these articles about forgiveness, I don't want to upset you by sending you this. I'm not telling you that you should forgive me. I just want to give it to you to see if you can forgive me. It's so much easier to give up than it is to try. But sweetie, I promise you. If you do try I will give you my all. My 100%. I will give you something that even I never gave you before. I'm not just promising not to cheat again, I'm promising to be a better boyfriend all around. I'm promising to put you before me.

 

I'm praying for you.. I'm praying for me. I'm praying for us.

 

I'm not using religion to my benefit. It is how I was raised, what I went to school to be, how I am engrained. I want to be a Godly boyfriend and a Godly husband one day. I can't pick and chose which things to follow and which things to ignore anymore. I want you to have a real true agape love with me. Please Forgive me. It took all my strength to tell you, and I knew you would break up with me. But I did it because its the first thing I had to do in order to really change and be who I should.

 

I'm so sorry, You are a great girl and you deserve better. Please let me try and give you that. I love you so much.

Please don't look at these articles as in me telling you that you need to forgive me. You don't need to or have to do anything. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I am only sending you these in case you want to see how you can try and forgive me.

 

It is so hard to turn my emotions off when I read that, to not want what he's saying.

[Justnotsure]

That's why you have to turn him off.

 

He's selling a fantasy. You've seen the reality.

 

Here's an idea: tell him you need a month with no contact at all from him to get your thoughts together. Take the 30days without all of this begging and pleading and promising -- and see how you feel.

 

1) gives you time to gather your thoughts, and react in a logical, rather than emotional manner

2) gives you a chance to see if he's still so persistent and ardent once a little bit of time has gone by

[LonelyGirl10]

I wanted to delete him on facebook yesterday. I changed my status, deleted our pictures, and I wanted to delete him as a friend. He deactivated his profile a couple months ago. Always in the past, I could look up his name and it would show as deactivated, and give me an option to delete him as a friend. Yesterday he didn't show up at all. I figured that maybe he deleted me, which was fine. But today he told me that he reactivated his profile briefly to look at my profile today, and saw my changed status. And then he said he deactivated it again. But why is he not showing up on my friend list? So I asked my friend to look at hers. He is showing up on hers as deactivated. So I think that he blocked me, and then unblocked me to look at my profile this morning. Is there any way for me to delete him so he can't look at my profile like that whenever he wants to?

[NJ0101]

I know it's hard, but really... he was doing it for months and knew what he was doing. It wasn't like he just got drunk and made a mistake. Plus... there was a THREE WEEK period when he wouldn't hang out with you, but he was having sex with her. Like, that's sick. Believe me, my ex promised me to change a million times and would act like the nicest boyfriend in the world when I'd catch him in lies, but after a few weeks, he'd just go back to normal. Like he said, it IS easier to give up then to keep trying... soo that's why you should just give up because why keep trying and getting hurt by someone who just isn't trying anywhere near as hard as you are. I seriously tortured myself by staying with my ex as long as I did. Even if he did magically change, there is no way you'll ever trust him and you'll just end up driving yourself crazy.

[LonelyGirl10]

Okay guys, I have a question. I don't want to do something stupid, but I'm considering it. I want to contact the other girl, and do a polite, nice message to her asking for details. I'd say something like "Hey, I just found out everything. I don't blame you. I'd like to know your side of it." Something like that. I also want to ask her for more details about the stalking charges that she filed against him. He's doing some very stalkerish type behavior with me. He won't leave me alone. I think he blocked me on facebook, but will unblock me to look at my profile, and then block me again.

 

The thing that is stopping me from contacting is worrying that HE is telling the truth, and she really did make up the charges against him. I don't want to get mixed up with some crazy girl, and have her make up something about me. But I really do want more information. I want to know if they started before we broke up in December. And I want to know if he really did stalk her. Opinions?

[NJ0101]

It's up to you. I was in contact with the girl my ex hooked up with because she had messaged me on facebook. I TRIED to be nice to her to find out details, but she was a huuuuge ***** to me, so it didn't really help at all. My ex would tell me she was crazy and I'd believe him, but now, I really don't think she was. If you think it'll help, then message her, but in my opinion, you should just leave it alone and be done with him altogether. I'd only message her if you were planning on staying with him, otherwise, what's the point?

[Justnotsure]

I know you're really caught up in this.

 

But think like a lawyer --

 

What is talking to her really going to prove or do for you?

 

Will it change your opinion of his character if he is a stalker and a cheater and a liar?

 

Are you just looking for the "final nail?"

 

Are you trying to convince yourself that she's crazy, and maybe he made a mistake, but he just got caught up in the wrong situation?

 

What result, if any, will make any of this better?

 

As mentioned above, it's up to you. If you feel this information is valuable and want to reach out - go ahead. I just think you'll most likely further the drama and put yourself more in the middle of this situation that you clearly should walk away from.

 

That's the outside view -- I know it's different inside, so I'm not judging -- just trying to offer objective perspective.

[LonelyGirl10]

I just want all the information. I guess it's the lawyer side of my personality coming out. I want all the information. I want to know it all. I still feel like he's lying to me, and I want all the information for my own sanity so I can stop asking questions. The main reason I'm still responding to him is I keep asking him new questions. I can't cut off contact until I know everything.

 

I just googled her name. Found her modeling website. Almost started crying at work. I'm attractive, and pretty. But I don't look anything like she does. My body doesn't even come close to comparing. Imagining him with her makes me want to throw up.

[Cherry009]

why was he stalking her? Maybe she ended things with him and he went stalkerish on her but when she got a restrsining order on him he decided to get back with you? If it will help then yeah maybe you should contact her and get more info....

[jenhoney]

You sound just like me! I am so glad I got on here!! You need to tell him to stop all contact and if he doesn't, use the one thing you know will make him so mad he won't contact you!! If he puts in any attempt at being nice, you will fall for it!! I know this is hard but that's the best way!!! I'm doing it and I'm still alive!!! You deserve so much better and even tho you doubt it now, you will feel better soon!! Cheer up sweet, beautiful girl! You will find love again and it will be marvelous!!

[LonelyGirl10]

I kept refusing to see him. So he made a video and emailed it to me. He's crying on the video, and I couldn't watch all of it. It hurt. Part of me hates him. Because we did have something good. We were so happy together before December. It was the happiest I've ever been. And he threw it all away. And I hate him for that. We could have gotten married, and it would have been great.

 

I haven't even let myself feel it really. He's crying, and I feel numb. I'm scared of what will happen when I do let myself feel it completely. It hits me every now and then, and it's like I put it away in a little box. I don't know if that makes sense.

 

I sent her a message. I kept it very polite, and friendly. And I told her that I promised to not contact her again if she didn't respond. I just want to know when it really started. I remember him confessing to me that he went out drinking with this girl in March 2012 while I was on vacation with a friend. He told me that he brought her back to his beach condo, but that nothing happened. I got really upset, and he promised to never see her outside of work again. Now I'm doubting whether he's been sleeping with her since then. I just need to know. I need to know so that I can move on and let go.

[NymphaeaLilly]

I've been following your story since December and I’m so so sorry for what you’ve been going through. There’s NO excuse for cheating and I think you should block him from all means of communication or he’ll just keep messing with your head and maybe even manipulate you with religion into forgiving him.

 

 

He's started saying that if I really loved him, I would forgive him and go to counseling with him. That I would try to accept that he made a mistake. I always thought that I would stay with someone no matter what, through thick and thin. But now I can't stay with him. And it makes me feel guilty.

 

When I was younger I was much more religious. I had strict rules regarding what’s right and what’s wrong and how a good person should act, so when I did something that I thought God wouldn’t “approve” like drinking (I’m not talking about getting ****faced just a little tipsy) , flirting or gossiping I would feel bad for days. Now I modified my views coz I realized they aren’t healthy (we can’t live like robots, after all we only live once so we better make it count) and most religious fanatics have some serious personality issues (I think your ex is perfect example of that)

What I’m trying to say is that there’s not a thing YOU should feel guilty about. Don't let him manipulate you this way, don’t be weak and believe in words of a liar, cheater and clearly delusional man who doesn’t even know himself.

 

 

Part of me hates him. Because we did have something good. We were so happy together before December. It was the happiest I've ever been. And he threw it all away. And I hate him for that. We could have gotten married, and it would have been great.

 

Thank God you didn’t get married. Do you really think everything would have been great if you have gotten married?! It would be 100 times WORSE and I really think you just dodged the bullet. He would still cheat on you coz that’s just who he is, he kept cheating on you for months (even though you weren't officially together I’d still call that cheating coz he kept giving “99% sure” speech). He was perfect bf during honeymoon phase but then everyone tries to be perfect bf/gf during that period and combine that with their partner being so head over heels for them that they turn blind eye to all the bad, and you have a receipt for disappointment when reality sets in. Some people are that immature that they honestly believe that “true love” means always being in honeymoon phase.

 

 

I just don't know how I'm ever going to trust again. I really thought he was different. I've been cheated on in the past, but it was no huge shock. The guys didn't have good morals. But this guy did. I just can't believe it. It just doesn't make sense with everything that I know about him. I feel like that if he can do this, then anyone can. I feel bitter, and cynical. And I can't stop crying.

 

Yes, everyone CAN do it but not everyone WILL do it!!!

I think you should ask yourself why you always end up with a cheater. I read once that cheaters are attracted to people with low self-esteem and in the time I've been following your story to me you do come off as someone who doesn’t respect herself enough. You said it yourself, you are smart, successful, attractive...why do you let this guy, who has proven over and over again to be a scum, walk all over you? Someone who really believes they are smart and attractive wouldn't be having second thoughts after what this poor excuse of a man did to you and would cut him off for good. So tell me what you really think about yourself?

[LonelyGirl10]

I think you should ask yourself why you always end up with a cheater. I read once that cheaters are attracted to people with low self-esteem and in the time I've been following your story to me you do come off as someone who doesn’t respect herself enough. You said it yourself, you are smart, successful, attractive...why do you let this guy, who has proven over and over again to be a scum, walk all over you? Someone who really believes they are smart and attractive wouldn't be having second thoughts after what this poor excuse of a man did to you and would cut him off for good. So tell me what you really think about yourself?

 

You're right. I sat by the computer last night, looked at her modeling pictures, and kept thinking to myself how prettier she was than me. I know I'm a good catch, but I let guys treat me badly. I put up with a lot. And I usually end up being manipulated in relationships because I never know when to say enough is enough.

 

Maybe I need to go to counseling and resolve some of my own issues. I do want to be in a healthy relationship.

[FreedomRing]

This guy has more game then a little bit. I'm baffled you're still contemplating going on a CRUISE with this manboy. Well maybe sharing such close quaters with him will make you see another side. Being in such close proximity with someone who could do what he did, would make me physically sick each and every time I would be faced to look at him. Yuck.

 

He does not respect/love/care for you. He actually thinks very little of you, of your intelligence. To continue engaging with him, on any level, is showing him, what little self-respect you have for YOU. Why should he have any? Have you tried calling around to any counselors?? There are many who would give you an emergency appointment if you mention you are in crisis. I would look into that.

[Not a rookie]

You're right. I sat by the computer last night, looked at her modeling pictures, and kept thinking to myself how prettier she was than me. I know I'm a good catch, but I let guys treat me badly. I put up with a lot. And I usually end up being manipulated in relationships because I never know when to say enough is enough.

 

Maybe I need to go to counseling and resolve some of my own issues. I do want to be in a healthy relationship.

 

You should not look at other people's modelling photos and judge yourself. 99% of all modelling photos are photo-shopped. So you are comparing yourself to some illusion? Besides that you are unique, you have a beauty that is incomparable to other girls. Don't forget that. Getting some counseling might not be bad.