Boyfriend confessed to cheating

[NymphaeaLilly]

The reason you wanna contact him and run into his embrace is coz you think only he can help you stop feeling so miserable since he's the one who made you feel that way. It sounds so much like Stockholm syndrome. This is probably result of enduring emotional abuse from him for so long.

Hang in there.

[Cherry009]

Now print this out and read it EVERYTIME you miss him or have an urge to text him.

 

Like the othee poster said- you dont miss him because you didnt really know him. All the 'good times' with him were a lie. You just miss having someone. Fight through this and do not contact him!!!!!!

[figur]

It's normal and okay to miss the person you thought he was. That feeling does pass though.

 

He sounds sociopathic. He needs control. He "fights" for women by STALKING THEM. He's lying to you about the seriousness of her charges. I would believe her. He's doing the same things to you by not just leaving you alone.

 

He cheated and he wants you to forgive him. He doesn't want to give you space because that means he loses that sense of control. He's a toxic person.

 

Just hang in there...heartbreak is so difficult. But your senses will clear with time.

[LonelyGirl10]

He created another email address, and I learned even more new stuff. I don't want to read it, I don't want to know anymore. But when it pops up in my email account, it's impossible to not read it. I deleted it at first. But then went to my trash folder and read it.

 

When I was on my cruise last April with a female friend, he went out drinking with this same girl from work. It was the first time she ever bothered me. He told me about it, and said he wouldn't see her outside work again. That was the end of it. Today, he told me that on that same night, she went back to his beach condo and danced naked on the kitchen table. Good lord. If he had told me that part at the time, maybe I would have ended it. Maybe I could have avoided everything that happened in the past year.

 

He also told me that he didn't feel guilty about the girl he slept with in Argentina in April/May 2012. He said that we were apart, and I was being too jealous during that month. He had girls kissing him hello and goodbye, supposedly because of the culture. And he was going tango dancing, and such. I admit I was jealous. But, he told me that he slept with her out of anger. That he felt like he didn't deserve my jealousy, and he slept with her out of anger. That makes me feel like crap.

 

Oh, and then the best part. Before he met me, he slept with a prostitute in Vegas. Paid for it. When I met him, he told me he had only slept with 2 people (a prior gf and his ex-wife). And when he found out I had a one night stand before I met him while I was single, he called me a *hore. Said he couldn't be with someone who did that. ***. How is that fair to me?

 

But, the only thing good he did is he FINALLY admitted that the reason why he slept with the girl at work was because he wanted something different. He said that he knew he was going to marry me, and he wanted something different before he settled down. He said that I was professional and smart and sweet, and she wasn't. He wanted the bad girl. As much as it hurts to hear that, I feel like he finally told the truth instead of making excuses. The part that irritates me though is that he made me be sweater and purer than I wanted to be. I wanted to go to bars and drink, and then have sex with him. I missed going out to bars. He said that he didn't approve of bars, and so I stopped going. I changed myself for him, and then he slept with someone because he wanted the bad girl. How does that make sense?

 

My head is spinning.

[NymphaeaLilly]

I admit I was jealous. But, he told me that he slept with her out of anger. That he felt like he didn't deserve my jealousy, and he slept with her out of anger. That makes me feel like crap.

 

And when he found out I had a one night stand before I met him while I was single, he called me a *hore. Said he couldn't be with someone who did that. ***. How is that fair to me?

 

The part that irritates me though is that he made me be sweater and purer than I wanted to be. I wanted to go to bars and drink, and then have sex with him. I missed going out to bars. He said that he didn't approve of bars, and so I stopped going. I changed myself for him, and then he slept with someone because he wanted the bad girl. How does that make sense?

 

 

There's something seriously wrong with this guy. Do you honestly not see that? Why are you still letting his views determine how you view yourself?

He has a very twisted views on relationship and you are letting that bring you down.

Main thing you need to remember is that he's obviously screwed up and you aren't at fault for his behaviour.

[PaintWithLight]

You had your head in the sand the first time regarding his indiscretions, do not do it again. You know this guy cannot be faithful. At least, not with you. Move forward without him. Good luck. This guy is complete bad news.

[figur]

This guy has a totally twisted view of women, definitely the Madonna/***** complex. He's backwards and infantile.

[calichick007]

This guy is sick.

[Cherry009]

Sick, mentally abusive and in serious need of therapy!! THANK GOD YOU NEVER MARRIED HIM.

[LonelyGirl10]

Sick, mentally abusive and in serious need of therapy!! THANK GOD YOU NEVER MARRIED HIM.

 

Everyone keeps saying that. I stayed the weekend with a friend, and realized how lucky I am to have a group of amazing friends who are there for me. But everyone keeps saying I dodged a bullet and I'm lucky that I found out now. I don't feel lucky. And rationally I know I dodged a bullet. But I still miss that guy I fell in love with.

 

I started feeling angry today. Had so much rage inside I didn't know how to let it out. Actually was digging my nails into my skin because the pain helped. Now I'm just back to feeling sad again. The worst part is not being able to get the images out of my head. I keep picturing her dancing naked. Them having sex. I'm trying SO hard to not think about it. But everytime I close my eyes, I see it. I can't sleep because I just keep picturing it. How do you stop picturing it?

[sharky988]

The sad part is, if he's telling you he only started seeing her the week *after* your breakup? He's STILL lying about what happened with her..... ewwww.

 

Only time will take away the images of them together. For now your best bet is to throw yourself into exercising -- you work out the aggression and it makes you calmer and more positive in general. There's nothing better for you right now.

 

I was cheated on and dumped for another woman last October. I had a good 2 months of getting hit with thoughts of the two of them almost constantly -- especially during the holidays. It DID fade out, though -- especially because as time passes, it's also less likely they're still together.

 

Also remember no one gets off scott-free in life -- his behavior will catch up with him, someday.

 

But for now, it's all about YOU and feeling better about yourself. Take this time to think of ways to improve yourself and your life -- so that you never feel like you need someone so much that you're tempted to look the other way ever again!

[LonelyGirl10]

Sadly, he confessed that he started seeing her about 2 months before our breakup. All the times he told me he was at his dad's house or with his guy friends, he was out with her.

 

Thanks for the advice, and your story. I have been going to the gym, and it helps for about an hour. I just can't sleep. I think I maybe slept 3 hours last night, because I just kept seeing him with her.

 

And I keep asking myself what I could have done differently to stop it. Should I have dressed more sexy? I used to wear low cut shirts and short skirts, but I'm a professional now and that's just not me. Could I have pleased him more? Was he right, and I was too jealous? Rationally I know it wasn't my fault. But I just keep picturing him with her, and how pretty she is, and it just torments me.

 

How did you stop thinking about it? Did you just make yourself so busy that you didn't have time to think about it? Or was it just healed with time? It seems like the more I try to not think about it, the more I do.

[sharky988]

For me, it's only been time that's helped, nothing else.

 

Time because you naturally start to care less. And also, like I said -- the more time that passes, the less likely it is that they're still together!

 

DON'T blame yourself. He was the jerk, not you. Cheaters cheat because that's what they do -- he'll probably cheat on this next girl, because for people like him cheating is always an option, no matter who they're with.

 

Keep exercising. If you have a gym that's got a punching bag in the weight room like mine does, put on some boxing gloves and go for it -- it really does help! Also good for anger is yoga and kickboxing.

 

Just accept you're going to be obsessive about this for a while, it's natural. But you WILL get past it in time -- whereas HE'S got to spend the rest of his life being who and what he is.

[Justnotsure]

So -- you're experiencing totally normal emotions -- but -- there is one thing you have to cut out immediately. And that's giving ANY validity to anything that this guy says. Someone mentioned Madonna/w complex. Spot-on. I mean, textbook. So - no matter who you were - good, bad, dressed like a nun or not - IT WASN'T ABOUT YOU. I know you know that -- but you need to keep reinforcing it. Sad as it is, he didn't even see you as a person - only an idea.

 

As to when it will move out of your head, when you will start feeling okay again - it's trite but true, that truly the only healer is time. And lack of contact. And learning about yourself and how you can grow. I am the same as you --- in the past, I have tried to mold myself in relationships -- into the person the guy wanted me to be. But then, when all is said and done -- you look at yourself and you start to second guess and say - should I have done x, y, or z? The answer always lies in the same place -- that all you need to be -- is you. But until you truly accept yourself, that can be the hardest thing in the world.

 

Keep going to therapy, keep going to the gym, keep seeing your friends -- it will not fix you overnight, but you will get there.

[LonelyGirl10]

He actually admitted that he treated her like crap too. She thought they were dating. He was hanging out with her friends, and she was sleeping at his house. He was telling her that he wasn't seeing me anymore, and that we had broken up. Even when we were broken up, he was still seeing me every weekend. When he tried to break things off with her to go back to me, she said "You're breaking up with me?" I guess she got pretty upset at him too, and threatened to tell me everything. So, he lost both of us. That does make me feel a little better. But I know he's an attractive guy, and he'll easily find someone else.

 

A punching bag would actually be great. My friends had a bonfire this weekend, and we burned the gym shorts that he forgot at my house last time he was there. I know it's mean and bitter, but it felt good.

 

Sharky, are you able to trust people again? Have you tried dating yet?

[sharky988]

Well, sorry to say this isn't the first time I've been cheated on -- I'm pretty old hahahahaa!

 

But yeah, of course I still trust people. I still assume the best in people and give someone new I'm dating the benefit of the doubt. You will, too.

 

This guy you dated was a creep -- the more time that goes by, the more you're going to realize how awful he was and it'll help you make a better choice next time around. And you'll be smarter and faster at reading the signs of a cheater from now on. That's how I knew he was cheating on you right from the start -- because I've been there!

 

You learn to trust your instincts more. And you learn from experience that you're strong enough to recover from the pain of getting cheated on -- and knowing that gives you the strength to put yourself back out there and risk falling in love again.

[journeynow]

I hope I never meet this guy, or anyone like him. He's amazing, and still creating new email addresses to send you more scuzzy details.

 

Make a list of things to do when you feel angry or sad or upset, and choose one as needed. For me it was digging dirt, splitting wood, burning brush, moving rocks, cleaning house. I cried so much, and often at the drop of a hat, that I made an agreement with myself that I could cry as long as I did something physical at the same time, I needed to be physically moving. It helped to move me beyond the very intense moment to do so.

 

I don't feel lucky. And rationally I know I dodged a bullet. But I still miss that guy I fell in love with.

 

I started feeling angry today. Had so much rage inside I didn't know how to let it out. Actually was digging my nails into my skin because the pain helped. Now I'm just back to feeling sad again.

 

Like others have said, the emotions are normal, and are commonly on the path toward healing. The only way is through, and you WILL get to the other side eventually, just keep moving forward. When the sadness hits again just tell yourself "Oh, this is the part where I do Sadness." and when the anger starts, just tell yourself "Oh, right, this is where I do Anger." Sometimes it just needs to be acknowledged and to be allowed to pass through you. It comes in waves and layers, and it's rising to the surface so that it can be released so that you don't' carry it in your body for years down the road.

 

Don't feel bad for missing him coz you aren't really missing HIM per se, you are missing how he made you feel. No matter how fake he and his feelings were, yours were real and that's why it hurts so much now.

But as I said you don't miss him (coz you never really knew him) which means that there's some other guy out there who can make you feel so good again.

There's nothing (healthy) you can do to stop the pain and you shouldn't try to. This pain is what will make you stronger and help you stay on the right course.

...And don't feel bad for having a good sex with him. See it as a learning experience, he made you more aware of your body and next time you are with a guy you'll know what you like.

 

There's wisdom in Andrea's words. We all miss the good, but what we keep, what will ALWAY be ours is our ability to experience those things we value. Take note of what you miss, and list them as qualities you value. Those values are yours. Those qualities aren't gone because of him, they are out there among millions of people. And like Andrea said, see it as a learning experience, as you are clarifying and refining your list of qualities that you value in people close to you. Knowing those will help steer you toward the relationships you want in your future.

[LonelyGirl10]

I was mostly okay today, and then I started feeling sad tonight. Anger is so much better. I can handle anger. It's the sadness and loneliness that's so hard. Tomorrow is the crusie. So if everything hadn't happened, we'd both be excited to leave together tomorrow. And if the breakup hadn't happened in December, he would be proposing to me on the cruise. He told me that was his plan. He even had the ring picked out. I know, I know... it's good I found out. Thank goodness I'm not marrying someone who will cheat on me repeatedly like that. But I was so much in love with him. And it wasn't just having someone. It was HIM. It was everything he said, and what I thought were his beliefs and values. It was his freckles, and the way he smelled. I really, really loved him. I used to stare for hours at our pictures online, and just daydream about him proposing and walking down the aisle to him. I was so amazingly happy. He made me happy.

 

And I know it wasn't real. It wasn't really him. But there's a part of me that just wants so badly to be with him again. I keep wondering whether it's possible for him to change, to go to therapy and become the person he told me he was. I want him. I don't want someone else. And I know I sound stupid by typing all this. I just miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss laying in bed with him. He used to beg me to allow him to massage my back, because he wanted to make me happy. He used to put my socks on for me. He told me a story about his grandfather putting his grandmother's socks on her when she was too sick to do it, and he said that he would always put my socks on for me. He was the guy that I wanted. Why did he do this to me. Why did he destroy everything. How am I ever going to get over this.

[abitbroken]

It wasn't the way you dressed, etc, that caused this. Look at Tiger Woods - he was married to a former swimsuit model and cheated multiple times. Some people are addicted to the danger of almost being caught. Some people cheat because they can't talk about their feelings and therefore go elsewhere. A decent man that decided you didn't do it for him anymore would have talked to you about what the two of you need to do or would have ended it before going elsewhere.

[LonelyGirl10]

So, I'm back from my cruise. It was nice to get away, and my phone was turned off for the whole week. No internet access at all. But now I'm back in the real world, and it sucks. My ex is still begging for another chance. It appears he's done some thinking, and he's stopped blaming me. He says that it was all his fault, and he hates himself. He has offered to give me full access to all his email, facebook, and phone passwords, as well as download some app that would show me his phone's location. I'm not stupid. I know he could delete things before I see him, and leave his phone at home while he's out cheating on me. But, he's also offered to go to couples counseling with me. And he offered to give me all his prior text messages with that girl that his attorney subpoenaed, to prove that he's not lying about anything else. He said he doesn't expect me to get back together with him, and he's fine just being friends until I can trust him

 

My head is still telling me absolutely no, and that it would be a stupid, stupid decision. But my heart is wavering, and wanting to maybe try the counseling. Maybe a counselor could help me figure out whether it'd be possible to fix, or if he's still lying?

 

I'm not sure what to do. I've been reading a ton about affairs, and recovering afterward. It seems like it is possible to recover after an affair. But when do you try to rebuild the trust, and when do you cut your losses and move on?

[HeartGoesOn]

You're looking at a temporary fix for a permanent problem. Ask yourself why you would put yourself in the line of fire again?

 

Of course this is your decision to make...

[Capricorn3]

My head is still telling me absolutely no, and that it would be a stupid, stupid decision.

Listen to your head - it's telling you the right thing.

[FreedomRing]

It wasn't just one affair...it was several types of cheating..ewwww! It's pretty disturbing that you have so little respect for yourself. The counseling idea is great...just for you. You need to make this guy a permanent part of your past. He deserves no part if your future. Don't you feel you deserve a man who will love you and never cheat on you? You do, but you wont meet that man, with this crazy guy in your life.

[LonelyGirl10]

It wasn't just one affair...it was several types of cheating..ewwww! It's pretty disturbing that you have so little respect for yourself. The counseling idea is great...just for you. You need to make this guy a permanent part of your past. He deserves no part if your future. Don't you feel you deserve a man who will love you and never cheat on you? You do, but you wont meet that man, with this crazy guy in your life.

 

I don't think that's completely fair to me. I've blocked him out of my life, and I'm refusing to see him. And I am getting counseling on my own. My next appointment is Thursday this week. And I do feel like I deserve someone who won't cheat, but he keeps swearing that he will never do it again. And he keeps pointing out that I'm taking a risk with a new guy too. It's possible the new guy will cheat. Which is technically true. Every time you date someone, you're taking a risk of getting hurt. If I somehow knew that my ex would NEVER cheat again, I'd rather be with him than anyone new. And I don't think that means I don't respect myself. If he cheats in the future, then of course I don't want to be with him. And of course I know I deserve better. I did love him, and I did enjoy being with him. And it's not just that I'm lonely. I've already had other guys expressing interest, and I know it wouldn't be extremely hard to find someone new.

[LonelyGirl10]

You're looking at a temporary fix for a permanent problem. Ask yourself why you would put yourself in the line of fire again?

 

Of course this is your decision to make...

 

How do you know when it's a permanent problem? Is the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" always true, or can people change? Like I said, I'm about 99% sure that I'm just going to continue ignoring him and hoping that it gets easier with time. But I just have these thoughts going through my head on whether it is possible for him to change.