Boyfriend confessed to cheating

[LonelyGirl10]

Everything that Steph is saying sounds identical to what my ex has been saying. He said he went through a crisis, and made a ton of mistakes. He said that once he saw the hurt on my face though, he changed. He realized that he cannot physically hurt me, or anyone else, like that again.

 

And I do still care about him. Which is twisted and messed up in my opinion. I shouldn't care about him. I care about the person I fell in love with, but I'm doubting whether that person ever existed. That person couldn't do all these horrible things to me. Amanda summed it up completely. And when I read her post, I wonder how in the world I could still have an ounce of feelings for this person.

 

I actually found out more about the prostitute. It was before he met me, a week after his divorce was final. He went to Vegas with his boss, and his boss took him to get a massage. He said he figured it was a "happy ending" type of place, but had no clue in advance that it would be sex. But regardless, he still slept with the girl. I think his boss paid for it.

[Amandacast57]

He did give her ammo to be more upset with her. He told her that the cheating was her fault. He basically told her that she was too boring so he wanted to switch it up. I could go on and on with examples but those two are enough.

[HeartGoesOn]

Moderator Note: Please stay on topic, and remain respectful regarding the opinion of other members.

[Silvergalaxy]

No offense but just because your husband cheated on you and then it worked out doesn't mean that LG's situation is similar. I would say your case was an exception.

 

Even if we pretend for a moment that the cheating was a once in a lifetime mistake on his part (even though it was multiple times in a 1 year relationship), there is so much that is disturbing about the way he treated her. Did your husband continually lie to you about what was going on? Did he blame you for his cheating? Did he accuse you of being jealous and insecure? Did he call you a *hore and a *lut because you had a past before him even though what he is doing/has done is so much worse? Did he manipulate you every chance he got? I'm sorry but this is so much more than just cheating. What her ex was doing is abuse. In what reality is this a man that she should be happy to spend her life with? Not to mention the stalking behaviour which is not even unlikely given that he's acted the same way with LG. He is a selfish person with no boundaries who is willing to say anything to get what he wants. I don't believe for a second that he's being honest now or that he could have changed in 2 weeks.

 

LG, I didn't know he was married previously. Why did his marriage end?

[LonelyGirl10]

I wasn't concerned for my physical safety when he showed up at my office and house the first time. But I was scared after I found out everything, and he showed up at my house afterward. I actually ran out of my bedroom to make sure the door was locked. I felt like I didn't know him at all, and didn't know what he was capable of.

 

Everything you are saying is confusing me. You're the only person on this forum or in my life that's giving this opinion. So, in your opinion, what would you advise me to do?

[LonelyGirl10]

LG, I didn't know he was married previously. Why did his marriage end?

 

He told me that it ended because she cheated on him. She actually cheated while they were dating, and he forgave her. He said he was miserable in his marriage. When she cheated, he told me that he tried to forgive her again. But she left him for the other guy, and she's married with a kid now. I think she sent him an email about a year ago saying that she was happy. I'm wondering now whether all that's the truth. One of my friends thinks it's possible that he cheated on her, and he lied about it.

[Silvergalaxy]

I would not be surprised if he didn't tell you the whole story there too.

 

Honestly, I would advise you to read up on emotional abuse. Then go back and re-read your old threads about your ex. Then take the time to think long and hard about whether you can ever be happy with this guy again and if this is what you want in a long term relationship.

[LonelyGirl10]

I would not be surprised if he didn't tell you the whole story there too.

 

Honestly, I would advise you to read up on emotional abuse. Then go back and re-read your old threads about your ex. Then take the time to think long and hard about whether you can ever be happy with this guy again and if this is what you want in a long term relationship.

 

Yeah, I actually read some of my old journal entries tonight. For the first week or two after the breakup, I was writing in a private online journal instead of here. Started it before the breakup. There was actually a post on December 26 where I was questioning the relationship. I wrote that I could tell something was going on, and that I wondered if he was lying about something. I wrote that I thought he was such a good guy, but wondered if it was all fake. Even wrote that I wondered if he was lying about not being the type of guy that watched porn. Now that I know everything, it all makes sense. He was lying about the porn. And he had slept with that girl for the first time on Christmas day, which was one day before my post. And then I read stuff from the week following the breakup, where I was crying and in pain 24/7. And I read where I invited him over to my house the weekend after the breakup, and I was proud of myself that I didn't cry in front of him. I tried to play it cool, dressed sexy, and tried to make him see that he lost someone good. Now, I look bad and feel disgusted at myself. While I was crying and trying to be perfect for him, he was sleeping with her. And that just makes me look and feel pathetic.

[Amandacast57]

I still think, and I'm sure everyone in this thread minus one person, agrees this guy is a crazy, stalking LOSER!!!!! You deserve so much better and I know you'll find it. There are so many GOOD people out there who don't lie and cheat and pretend to believe in God/religion/morals/values. This guy is a fake. He just told you sweet nothing's.

 

He reminds me of that psycho boyfriend mark whalberg played. I think the movie was called Fear and Reese Witherspoon played his girlfriend. YIKES!!

 

You'll be fine. All of us here will give you support to move on. We good peoples

[ParisPaulette]

I have to agree with Amandacast57, Lonelygirl he isn't some lost soul who messed up big time once and is now willing to change to get you back. He repeatedly not only cheated on you, but ran you into the ground with emotional abuse and from what I can tell is still more than willing to try to get you to shoulder blame for his actions. Stephaniebunn3, that's great your guy actually did change, but if you read all of Lonelygirl's previous posts I think you'll see this guy isn't at all like your husband and it's a pretty apples to oranges comparison. Your guy actually went to therapy and worked hard to win you back and prove himself worthy of trust. The guy in question for Lonelygirl hasn't done any of that, that I can tell beyond just begging her to give him yet one more chance after she's given him many time and time again.

 

Sorry, one of the things we aren't taught as women and men too all too often is to look at a person's overall values and how they treat others in general. Someone who is abusive emotionally and/or physically has to actually do the hard work of therapy and amends before they should be let back into someone's life. If I'd done that to begin with, with my ex it would have saved us a ton of time since he wouldn't have put the effort it. Nonetheless Lonelygirl, you have to look at the type of person this guy is and has been all along. Even in the early days of the relationship one sees the person who is really there, we often just choose to ignore it. Case in point, my ex and I met at a nonprofit agency that helped families in crisis. I still remember the day early on where he glanced at a file I'd had on my desk about some poor woman who had been sexually battered by a boyfriend. The contempt in his voice as he said, "Yeah, right. She asked for it," shocked me. He then went on for a full-minute tirade about how women who dress and act in certain ways fully deserve what they get. Then when he saw the look on my face and I screamed at him to shut up he just told, "Hey, I was joking." Later on he denied it had ever happened. I should have walked away that day, but instead convinced myself that I'd misread the situation because I did not want to see that the man in front of me did not match the fantasy in my head. He was also emotionally abusive to me and the longer he knew me the more comfortable he felt in mocking me and belittling me and the people in my life. This was all done subtly, but over time yeah it just sort of spread like a slow poison paralyzing my common sense. If your guy has done that chances are he's not going to change, not any time soon. It's one thing to cheat, but quite another to actively try to emotionally abuse through name calling, belittling them, lying and guilt-mongering to keep them under your control and manipulated.

 

In the end you have to take all of a person's actions together to sum up whether or not it's worth giving them another chance. The whole stalking behavior and him showing up unexpectedly and scaring you is also concerning since it shows that he's again, more concerned with what he wants than in doing the right thing. It's good you're going back to look at your previous journals since you can see and compare how long this has gone on and what may come of it. Also my ex did plead me repeatedly and still does occasionally contact me trying to get me to accept him back. He always swears this time it'll be different, he never meant to hurt me blah-blah-blah. Problem is he's cheated on two women that he's dated since me, so he's living proof that a chronic cheater who is also emotionally abusive is not someone who's just going to up and turn into a nice guy.

[Cherry009]

I am with everyone else (apart from stephaniebunn) Loneygirl, your ex has no morals what so ever, it wasnt just the cheating. It was EVERYTHING, the way he treated you, tried to put all the blame on you, called you names, tried to blame religion etc, put you at risk of STI's, and cheated on numerous occasions. Come on!!!! Why are you allowing this pathetic guy to STILL manipulate you?! You KNOW deep down it would be a disaster if you forgave him. You would never be able to fully trust him. If he had it in him to do all these things in the first place then that is him showing you THE REAL HIM. Is this the kind of guy you would want to marry and have a family with??

 

I feel that our advice is falling on deaf ears now though, loads of us here have been trying to make you see the light but you seem to be swaying more towards stephaniebunns opinion now, which is stsrting to show your level of thoughts at the moment. just remember that no ones experiences are exactly the same....just because her guy may have 'changed' it doesnt mean all will. Especially psychotic guys like your ex who got swamped in a web on deceit and lies and thought the only way out would be to turn on the 'pity me' button.

 

Stephaniebunn..your guy slept with you and other women in the same day?! Wow.

[Cherry009]

Steohaniebunn.... if he lied and cheated for 6 months why do you think he has changed? because he 'told' you he has? Surely once someone has lied and broken your trust anything they 'tell' you is more than likely to be more lies, why different this time?

[NymphaeaLilly]

@ stephaniebunn3 I think you are doing a real damage to LG by insisting on your opinion that this relationship is salvageable. I respect that you have your opinion but this opinion is based on YOUR own experience with your husband. This is an EXCEPTION!!! Definition of exception is "an instance that does not conform to a rule or generalization". I really don't care about changing your view of this situation (which most of ppl on this thread have been following for months while you just started so I think we have much better insight than you do but whatever) but I DO care about LG getting better and starting to heal.

You aren't giving her "fresh" perspective you are giving her false hope and by that weakening her already fragile resolution to move on.

 

@LG, I understand that this is hard and your emotions are all over the place but do not deter now when you just started to see how much damage he's done to you. Don't let a false sense of hope lead you back down the road you've been on too many times. Going back to him could be comfortable but that false sense of solace will disappear rather quickly. Keep in mind that cheating isn't the main reason why you shouldn't get back with him. He EMOTIONALLY ABUSED you!!!

[journeynow]

I think that after a break up it's not unusual to miss the good parts you had together, to look for hope that the relationship can be repaired and rebuilt. We tell ourselves if we just try harder, accommodate a little more, accept that mistakes have been made, that we've both can change...etc, we could do it. It's too soon, though. Emotions are haywire, have been up and down, thoughts, too, and it's not a clear-headed time for making choices. Trying again, together, at this point is like trying to restore a house on a crumpled foundation--difficult, precarious, and unwise. Your energy would be better spent healing yourself, without a romantic relationship of any sort.

 

He hasn't had enough time to change, and you haven't had enough time to heal. I think he's desperate, wants what he wants, is trying every option, but it's still just words or acting at this point. And he's STILL being manipulative (telling you anyone you date might cheat).

 

From what you described, you've had a painful pattern with relationships, and I understand if you feel you want to fix this one. Perhaps it feels like a failure if you don't? But I honestly think you need time and space to heal this on a very deep level.

[Amandacast57]

I think when you really sit down and look at the relationship for what it was, you will probably admit that it wasn't the happiest year of your life. I know with my ex, right after the break up, I thought how happy I was and how great he was. Now, after time away, I see that I wasn't really happy and he wasn't really great. Sure, we had good times but there were also those times where he was yelling at me, calling me names, ignoring me and so on. I think if you really think about it, you will see flaws during the "happiest year of your life" and realize you weren't THAT happy.

 

I think you just think it was the happiest year of your life because he treated you better than your previous exes.....or so you thought.

 

He showered you with gifts and such and molded himself into the guy he thought you would like. But that is not who he is. I feel like a second chance would be different if say you guys were together for YEARS and he cheated. You guys were barely together for a year and all this came out.

[Amandacast57]

He is to blame for the pain. He was the one who cheated on her and lied and manipulated her. Just because someone comes clean, doesn't mean they are sorry. I still stick to my guns that he told her because either the girl would tell her or because she would find out through the court since she is a lawyer. I mean, he was basically cheating and lying the ENTIRE year and all of a sudden, he decides to come clean? I don't buy it. It HAS to be because the truth would surface from what transpired with the model girl.

 

I just don't see this guy changing at all. He has continued to manipulate her. He lied and cheated, basically saying she wasn't good enough in her eyes. He got a NASTY cold sore after being intimate with the other girl and then had sex with LG and put her at risk for an STD!! WHO DOES THAT?!? Not someone who loves you, that is for sure! He blamed the cheating on her. There is just no sign of him taking any of the blame. He has just given her words. And he stalked her. He showed up to her job and house and wouldn't leave.

 

This man needs HELP!! Like, check into a mental institute and stay for a while, help. I would never wish his presence on any of my worst enemies!!

[mhowe]

The extra info is just more crap. This man wouldn't know the truth if it ran over him.

 

He is prostrating himself and his actions -- and while saying he is sorry --- he is only sorry that it came out (and notice he never mentioned that he went to jail).

[Justnotsure]

Yeah, I get that life isn't black and white, but this situation doesn't seem very gray to me. I think that even his admissions are manipulations. He told her he cheated on her in Argentina (?) because she was too jealous and always asking him to check in at the end of the day. This made him angry, and in his mind, justified his cheating. That is planting a seed. If she goes back to him now -- she will always have to think "hmm...if I'm too insecure or require him to check in, he may cheat on me." And she already has the self talk that it would make her the "crazy girl." The trust has been breached so deeply that it would require constant reassurance for an extended period of time for her to feel anywhere near comfortable. I don't see him doing that. I see him doing it for a time to draw her back in, and then I see him once again putting this on her. And telling her that it "hurts" him that she doesn't trust him. Let him take a year and "fix himself" and then come back for another shot if he's truly serious about this. I have a feeling if LG required that - with some time and perspective, she'd realize that she did not want the relationship back.

[Chrixy Selchi]

Just move on girl... You deserve to be treated more nicely than he does... You deserve better ;D

 

Fighting!!! AjA!!!

[LonelyGirl10]

But yours broke up with you and tried to get you to date other people right?

 

To SB: I don't know how you know this information. I have re-read this entire thread, and I did not post anything about this. How do you know this information? Show me where you got it. Because right now, I'm feeling completely paranoid and crazy thinking that you are my ex. I'm thinking that you somehow found this website, and that you created a fake account yesterday, and that you're trying to manipulate me into getting back together with you. Everything that you say is identical to the things that he's been saying. Word for word. Even your lack of paragraphs is how he types his emails. It always used to aggravate me that he didn't use paragraphs. And you type that way. And I monitored you last night. You kept staring at my page. You didn't view any other pages, just mine. It scares me.

 

To everyone else: Even if SB is not my ex and I have completely lost my mind, this is a huge wake up call that I can't trust him. If I'm doubting whether he is capable of doing something that twisted and messed up, I will never be able to learn to trust him again. I need to walk away. I haven't responded to him since last night when I got suspicious about SB. I don't plan on responding again. I can't live my life like this. I need help.

 

I don't feel safe posting on here anymore, and that makes me angry. This forum has helped me stay strong, and I feel like I've made friends on it. But now I feel scared and violated. I don't know what to do at this point, but I know I need to get help. I don't even recognize myself anymore, and it makes me sad. This suspicious, paranoid person is not me. I need to figure out how to find myself again.

[Amandacast57]

Not only in regarding to StephanieBunn but to the new user FaithLove whatever. Both of them creaeted their account (or at least started posting) less than 24 hours between each other. The post count is incredibly low and both users stay on her thread, not navigating to other threads, like most users would.

 

Not to mention, both SB and Faith use the word "restoration" in their posts. Is that a coincidence? What about the fact that BOTH new users talk about religion as closely as her ex did??

 

AND FINALLY, out of 24 pages, these two users are the ONLY people who advocate for her to give him another chance and provide "hope" stories of how their man cheated on them and things worked out.

[mhowe]

report to moderator.

[Cherry009]

This is a bit creepy, definitely something dodgy here.

 

If these 'posters' are him he is a scary stalker.

 

It did seem odd how these two people just cane out of no where basically telling you that you can forgive all these awful things this guy did to you.

[LonelyGirl10]

I've been watching Faith's activity. As soon as I made my post, she started searching all my old threads. Threads from December and January, which don't show up in my recent activity on my profile. She is now viewing the post in January where I stated that he told me to date other people ( ). I'm sure she or SB will post about it. But it doesn't make sense. Why would a new person on this site search through my old threads that don't even show up in my recent activity to find that one piece of information? I know what my ex would tell me right now. I'm being defensive and an attorney and looking for things that aren't there. Maybe I am, I don't know. But my gut instinct is screaming at me.

[Amandacast57]

Amanda. I don't know SB but I have read her posts and I do agree with her. Yes I just joined this forum and I have been posting on other forums. I'm not sure how I got dragged into this.

I actually went back and read a lot of LG's posts on different articles after you accused me.

 

I did find the information SB was talking about.

 

Not everything is a conspiracy theory. I don't know if SB read that or not but it's in that post.

 

Sorry if I offended anybody with my story, I hope this helps though.

 

You just joined this forum yet were able to read 24 pages of one thread, as well as read all LG's previous threads? I think it would take multiple hours to just get through this thread. And to retain all of the information you did?

 

I don't know. Something is totally off