Should I divorce my husband?

[camus154]

I don't know...I just simply wouldn't have a lick of patience in this scenario. They'd be history immediately. Marriage is sacred and all that jazz but this isn't a marriage. It's a side show.

 

In all my adult years and several serious relationships, the single most important thing I've learned is that trying to change people is an utter waste of time. Much, much better to be with someone you can accept off the bat.

 

Good luck, OP.

[Tanzi]

This is such a sad situation to be in. This isn't how married life is supposed to be.

 

I'm not sure what you're counsellor meant by "try not being a wife". Maybe she means take a step back from the whole situation. Stop texting/calling your husband and see if he naturally comes to you. I guess she's trying to day that if you act like you aren't really together he might think he's losing you which may make him realise what he has got. That kind of thing. Thing is he still "comes home" to sleep so you have to communicate on some level and obviously you would be sharing a bed.

 

What happens at weekends? What is your relationship like with you in-laws?

[Moontiger]

Maybe your therapist meant that if you stop always being there, just waiting for him to call the shots something would change. What if you told him, "Look your not going to be at the house so neither am I." And started going out when you knew he would be home.

 

He gets his cakes and eats it to.

 

People continue to have bad behavior usually because they get something they want out of it. He knows your going to be there so what does he have to loose? There is a chance (I thinks it is a very small one) that once he starts seeing the consequences to his actions he might be willing to actually do something about the problem.

[Maeva]

I so totally agree with a little blue about this being so sad. I am so glad you have a good priest. And very relieved you will able to get an annullment.

 

Given he has lied so much I would want to know for sure he was going to his mums. If she is so controlling and involved in his life but still allowed you to marry him I cant understand why his mother hasnt rung you to find out whats going on if he really is going there. I dont really think she should move in, that was a little cynical.

[married2011]

He is telling me now that "everyone" is telling him to get a divorce. I drive him crazy, he can't sleep.

I admit it is nearly every day or every other day I ask him "why aren't you eating with me?" (because he did at his parent's) or "did you really just get out of work?" when I know factually that he does not work as late as he says, or "when are you bringing your vehicle?" when he told me a couple weeks before me moved in that he wasn't ever bringing it.

 

Was the solution really to let it go and not say anything and let him come around?

 

I can't keep my mouth shut knowing what's going on and wondering if me not saying anything would even fix it. A month could go by, I could ask him "are you moving in yet?" and he would probably just say "no because you don't stop bothering me about it" even if it's been a month.

 

I'm at a loss of what to do. He got in my face and told me stop complaining or he is leaving. I said well are you moving in? He said no, but if you want me to stay you will stop complaining.

 

It's sickening.

 

Tonight I said to him "I am living up to my vows!" and he said "oh you're such a good catholic! So why didn't you do a unity candle?" I will tell you this right now-- I've never heard "unity candle" come out of his mouth before. I know this I just yet another nit pick from his family, most likely his sister. All she does is pick and get him to think there's things wrong with me- it's always whatever she can't control.

 

This has been going on a long time. I keep blaming myself and trying to understand something that can't be understood. My aunt says to me that I'm trying to make sense of something dysfunctional.

 

He says "everyone" is telling him to divorce me because he's not happy. Nobody knows he hasn't moved in. They see it as he hasn't because he has been putting up with me. Him not moving in came first. He has this fact blurred and he totally 100% sees me as the problem and doesn't hear a word I say.

 

It's really upsetting because I feel like I am viewed as this terrible person when he never had intentions of even bringing the vehicle. And then he would lie and say the few changes of clothes is all he owns and it's not. Then the lie I caught him in. But I'm terrible because I peep up? That's how I feel, just totally embarrassed and angry and like I have no voice.

[Seraphim]

I am telling you right now his family is HIGHLY disturbed. His MOTHER sounds MENTAL. Run away FAST!

[Capricorn3]

He is telling me now that "everyone" is telling him to get a divorce.

 

I'm at a loss of what to do. He got in my face and told me stop complaining or he is leaving.

 

My aunt says to me that I'm trying to make sense of something dysfunctional.

 

He says "everyone" is telling him to divorce me because he's not happy. .

In that case, make it easy for him - pack his stuff and show him the door and tell him you'll be waiting to sign the divorce papers. Seeing as neither of you are happy, this almost seems like a blessing in disguise. Either you see your lawyer or he does. This is not even a relationship, nevermind a marriage.

 

Also, your aunt is right.

[Seraphim]

Get your annulment because otherwise you can never marry again in the Church. I am sure the Bishop would not see this as a marriage in any case.

[Maeva]

yes go straight to your priest, wow. this is just so wrong.

[chitown9]

I think it is strange that he is threatening you with leaving. How can he leave when he never settled in the house with you? Yes, the whole thing is just crazy making behavior on his part. This is just hanging up your life. You need to move on sweetheart...chi

[Tanzi]

"Everyone" being his parents and other family members no doubt. I think we can pretty much take it as red that his parents know that this isn't normal, they know he isn't happy ... but all they really want is for him to be happy. If he doesn't want to make the marriage work because he isn't happy then they aren't going to push him into it. Therefore talking to his parents won't change a thing and I personally think this would push him into divorcing you even quicker.

 

The way your husband is behaving is wrong ... he even admits himself he hasn't moved in yet ... but to turn this around on you is unfair. Of course you are going to question why you are sitting alone at night whilst he is chatting and chilling with his parents. Of course you are going to question why you eat alone almost every night whilst he eats in the company of others. Does he not see how that is driving YOU crazy? Does he not for one second give any thought to you at all or how weird this is whole situation is? Anyhow, for now I think that you should stop asking him these questions. It clearly doesn't make any difference and he clearly doesn't care that you sit and eat alone at night and I think you need to focus on what your next steps should be.

 

You are not a terrible person ... you are in a situation that you need to do something about. You knew he was lying to you. You weren't going to get the truth from him so you set out to find the truth out for yourself. Personally I think its a good thing that you did because now you know that he is capable of lying.

 

Bottom line: he DOES lie to you, he hasn't moved in and he has admitted that he isn't happy. How can this get any better? You asking him "when are you moving in?" or "are you coming home for dinner?" is clearly aggravating him and the situation further. Yet how long do you sit alone and wait for him? You are newlyweds for goodness sake!! He should have been "champing at the bit" to be alone with you, to move into your own home together. It should be an exciting time for you both and quite frankly, after having been with you for 10 years, he should, by now, view you as family too and be as close to you as he is them. If he wasn't prepared to move in with you upon marriage then I can't see how he ever will be. Telling you he won't move in all the time that you are questionning him about it is nothing but a delay tactic.

 

I'm really really sorry to say this but I think he wants out. In fact it doesn't sound like he was ever in.

 

I can't see that this is going to change for the better. Go see your priest. Get the annulment ASAP. Get away from the lot of them. Look after yourself now. You deserve so much more respect than this. Give yourself the opportunity to find it.

 

I'm so sorry.

[married2011]

I told him about the annulment possibility and now I fear he will run like wild with it, like now he will tell his family and they will push him to divorce even more.

 

Now that his family know what's going on they will just keep trying to get him out of it and treat him like a victim.

 

I don't know what I should do because I don't feel like I can handle this. It was suggested to me that I start keeping a journal and leaving my emotions there so that I can go about my day to day without the turmoil. I think I'll start with that. Another would be to continue fixing up the house to be able to sell it more easily, but that part is hard... I feel like it will be me becoming even more emotionally invested, and also worry it will send the wrong message.

 

Even though I know this is not good I still can't bring myself to actually file for divorce. I don't know how to get myself to that place. I have thought about trying to go out more and try to get into other things in my life, make new friends, but at the same time I'm still held back by this and in limbo and my life is standing still.

 

Is there any way I should go about trying to get myself to the place I need to be in order to leave? I can't just leave, it's too hard, and he obviously cares about me in some way if he's even here at all but he is equally frustrated. I wish he'd go to counseling. I told him if he's going to leave then why can't we at least understand eachother first?

 

Most of all it hurts that he has spun this on me, like I have said I feel like I look like a fool while going through all this emotional turmoil, nothing can help me. He says he won't move in etc. because I am driving him crazy, but he doesn't say the part about the fact that he did that first and didn't have intentions of doing so. So now him being at his parent's house does not look strange to anyone that has heard him.

[camus154]

I understand this must be so hard for you, OP, but regarding getting to that place where you can leave....

 

Does any of this SOUND like a marriage to you? If not (and it doesn't seem so at least to me) then you don't really have a marriage to begin with. You're ALREADY at that place. It's just not "official" yet.

 

Good luck.

[Tanzi]

I told him about the annulment possibility and now I fear he will run like wild with it, like now he will tell his family and they will push him to divorce even more.

 

If he does run like wild with it then you will know how he truly feels about the marriage.

 

Is there any way I should go about trying to get myself to the place I need to be in order to leave? I can't just leave, it's too hard, and he obviously cares about me in some way if he's even here at all but he is equally frustrated. I wish he'd go to counseling. I told him if he's going to leave then why can't we at least understand eachother first?

 

Its not going to be easy getting there because although your head knows what you should do, your heart still has some catching up to do. After all this is what you wanted. Divorce isn't what you want but this surely can't be what you want from marriage either. This will grind you down eventually.

 

What did he say when you told him about the annulment?

 

Has he ever given you a reason why he has never moved .... before you actually had any reason to drive him crazy?

[married2011]

I think he just said "good" when I told him about that, however I still wonder if an annulment is true because it is not up to the priest apparently. I don't know much about the process but it has to go through different people. So of course I wonder about that only because I would feel less rushed.

Before we moved in, about a week before, I asked him about his work vehicle and when he would be bringing it and if he needed me to drive him to go get it, and that is when he told me he wasn't going to bring it because it's "too much of a pain".

 

Him bringing his work vehicle home means he needs to come home to me. And then he is all the way over our house (20 minutes away from his family) and he probably feels trapped. That is just my take. Because he certainly is wanting to be totally free of this commitment and what it truly is.

 

And surprise, he is "working late" tonight. Who knows what he's really up to. It's not that he is up to anything bad but he is avoiding me and our marriage. If this will end I wish there was at least something else I could try. Maybe I'm too available, maybe I should do what the counselor said and stop acting like a wife. I don't know, this is just weird. I don't know why he doesn't just divorce me himself.

[Seraphim]

I would drop off his 3 sets of clothes back to his mother and then tell him not to come back. Go to your priest and start the process. Yes, it is an involved process with people who will have to witness to his behavior and it takes a while. However if you want to remain in your religion and participate in your sacraments this is what you have to do. Your marriage must be nullified within the Church and then you are free to marry again at another time. If you do a civilian divorce the Church still sees you as married in the eyes of God and will not recognize any other marriage you ever have and they will not allow you your sacraments because you are not in good Grace.

[Moontiger]

I would drop off his 3 sets of clothes back to his mother and then tell him not to come back. Go to your priest and start the process. Yes, it is an involved process with people who will have to witness to his behavior and it takes a while. However if you want to remain in your religion and participate in your sacraments this is what you have to do. Your marriage must be nullified within the Church and then you are free to marry again at another time. If you do a civilian divorce the Church still sees you as married in the eyes of God and will not recognize any other marriage you ever have and they will not allow you your sacraments because you are not in good Grace.

 

Cannot express how much I agree with this. I would wait for him to go to work when you know he won't be at this parents house, go over, give his clothing to his mother with a note explain that if he wants anything else from the house he can come and it at specific times when you will not be around. Further explain that would would prefer not to see him and to give you notice if he plans at being at the house.

 

Be respectful to his mother, this is important, tell her you are very sorry that things have gone the way they have and that you wish him the best and hopes he finds happiness one day. Being calm and nice, this way they won't be able to twist your actions into anything.

 

You can find happiness one day with someone who loves you and who wants to spend time with you. Please keep us updated.

[lostandhurt]

This has been some debate here hasn't it?

 

I see this as so very sad that the love they shared and the promise of a happy loving life together simply will not come true.

 

When two people get married they both make promises to each other in front of friends and family. This boy may have a man's body but he is no man. He had no right to ask this girl to marry him when he couldn't and wouldn't fulfill his promises. They are technically married but there has been no marriage here. There are plenty of people just living together that have a closer relationship than many married couples I know. The piece of paper means nothing without both parties putting their heart and soul into the coupling of their lives.

 

This has not happened here and there is no sign that it will ever happen in this instance.

 

There is really only one way to get through to him and that is to file for divorce. It may force him to face what he is doing. If you do, be prepared to follow through if he doesn't change a lot very quickly.

 

I am so sorry this is happening in your life.

 

Lost

[Tanzi]

This thread did go off on a rather silly tangent. Bottom line is he isn't fulfilling the promise he made in the church.

[Fudgie]

I really encourage OP to get an annulment. This isn't a marriage. This goes far beyond just taking off at the first sign of trouble instead of working on it. This guy isn't even around to work on it. He's not committed at all, let alone present. Please get this annulled, OP. Don't waste your years with a man who doesn't give you the attention and love that you desire in a marriage.

[Lonewing]

REGARDLESS of any church...

 

A marriage takes two people to succeed but only one person to fail.

 

No matter hwo much you want this, if he does not, then it's not going to happen.

 

Kick him out and tell him not to come back. Get your papers processed and BE FREE.

 

Go find the man who knows he deserves you...and acts like it.

[married2011]

Hello, here is what has been going on:

Husband finally brought work vehicle... still hasn't let me drive him to his parent's to go get his car, but even though he has the vehicle he is still stopping over his parent's every morning and night!!

He still leaves our house at the same time every morning. If he doesn't have to stop at his parent's to get the truck now then why is he doing that? (of course, he won't admit this and is lying)

 

I know this might not be a good thing but I will tell you, maybe you will understand why I do it. Not sure if I said this before.

My husband is not "computer savvy" and has needed me to log into his email for something in November, so he gave me his password while he was out and did this over the phone with me (it was for a job application). So I know his password. All he uses online is to make payments for credit cards or use ING. I have been logging into his email lately to see when he makes payments. He does not have a smart phone so he -has- to be at a computer to do it, and these services he uses I know send an instant email when you do something like make a payment.

 

Just last night I called him at 5:35 and asked him where he was, just wondering, etc like just asking if he was almost home.

He said he just got out of work and was driving home from another city that is away from both me and his parents. Today I checked his email to see he made a payment as well as transferred money into his ING at 5:24 and 5:27PM... liar. Freaking lair.

He wasn't driving home from work, he was at his parent's that whole time!

Checking his email is easier than driving all the way to his parent's to get to the truth, that's why I do it, to be informed. Otherwise I would honestly end up just believing him. I have seen it with my own eyes, he has admit to it, but goes back and forth to lying about it and he's been lying about it.

 

He also sounds WORLDS different on the phone when he is ACTUALLY driving and when he is home. He doesn't think I can even just tell this. Yup, tells me he's driving when he is sitting at mummy and daddy's house.

 

He won't even let me drive him to go get his car. He is probably waiting for us to get into an argument about it so he can just go at his parent's and come home to me in his car.

 

I am finally feeling almost no emotion, I mean obviously I am having trouble getting out of this on my own. I think I will find a new therapist who is more about working with individuals but I will see the marriage counselor I'm seeing once more.

 

Honestly-- I feel like I just want to call his parents up and be like "What the F is going on???" I'm not close to them, his dad is nice, his mother and sister are not nice in the least. Even if they don't answer I want to even think of a voicemail to leave. If I contact them it should be before I file for divorce because after that it won't matter. I then think about showing up over there. I just feel like if this is going to end I've got to do something more than just file. I am really upset and hurt and it's not going to stop and I'm done, I can't emotionally get myself to file yet. I keep wondering what more I could do but lately I am feeling less like this can be fixed and more like trying to find out what is the last move I can make? Like if I'm going to end this marriage I'm going out with a bang-- ie, call the parent's, show up at their house confronting him etc.... thanks for reading... I feel like a hopeless and helpless case because I won't just quit already.

 

I am trying to figure out what way to leave and what last actions to take so that I can feel as satisfied as possible and not feel like I wish I did this or that, but I wonder if that is possible?

 

I really like the idea of packing up his things like Victoria66 says and dropping them at his parent's house.. then having the Sheriff serve him papers or whoever does it that you can pay to do it. Obviously and I hope understandably, I am so angry and hurt ...

[Seraphim]

GF, really, pack up his crap and dump it on his parent's doorstep and get your annulment. The man ( and I use this term VERY loosely) is acting like he is 10 AND he is a liar. Get an annulment and marry a real man.

[Tanzi]

I'm sorry things aren't getting much better for you.

 

What time generally does your husband get home? How does you evenings pan out when he does get home?

 

I'm not sure why I'm asking really. Just trying to work out if there is anything in this relationship that resembles a marriage.

 

I can understand why it is hard for you to muster up the strength to file for divorce but it seems to me that there isn't much else you can do. Besides if filing for divorce doesn't give him a huge boot up the bum then there is little hope that anything will.

 

Speak to your priest, for guidance if nothing else ... speak to a therapist who can work solely with you, a marriage guidance counsellor can only do so much when only one party is willing to participate in the sessions ... do whatever it takes for you to find the strength you need to do what has to be done. But, whatever you do, don't go showing up at his parents house with all guns blazing, acting on your emotions, because you will only be justifying their son's behaviour. Remain dignified. You may regret it later otherwise. Just worry about yourself and your marriage for now and what you're next step is going to be as regards moving this situations forwards.

[Ferrero]

Gosh, that is extremely weird indeed. It's not normal behaviour. I too have been married to a mamma's boy, so on a smaller scale i can related. but bringing 3 changes of cloths and chaning vehicles and leaving you to eat alone is just not on. Something is just not right. Lets give him the benefit of the doubt and say he is going through something and is afraid to tell you but just doesnt know how.

I hate to see the negative, but perhaps you should investigate further and get some evidence.