PhilliesFan001 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 This is why marriage is not taken seriously in today's society From people like you who believe its that easy to calls it quits. He's spending excessive time at his parents house, big deal! learn to work around it. That's what's marriage is all about! SMH Yes, it is a big deal. Her husband refuses to act as a husband. He has moved THREE changes of clothes into their home, spends 7 days a week at his parents and doesn't even eat dinner with his wife. She's completely alone in the marriage and he refuses to discuss it or even seek counseling. Since you have such a preachy attitude I'm going to assume you're a marriage expert and you've been happily married for 30+ years so tell us, in this situation, where the husband refuses to even consider counseling, what would you do, as his wife? What magical solution do you have for the OP? And no, not something vague like "learn to work around it." Tell the OP, HOW does she work around it? If you don't have a viable alternative, don't criticize. Your responses reek of naivete and someone who has very little experience with the daily ins and outs of a working marriage... Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 This is why marriage is not taken seriously in today's society From people like you who believe its that easy to calls it quits. He's spending excessive time at his parents house, big deal! learn to work around it. That's what's marriage is all about! SMH It certainly is a big deal. 1) He is not spending time with her. This is VERY important to a marriage. How can is be a relationship if he is never with her? 2) Emotionally he is not connecting with her because all of his energy is going to his parents. In a very twisted way its almost like emotional cheating. 3) He brushes aside her concerns when she has talked to him about it. 4) He only has three pairs of clothing at their place. That how much one would have at a BF/GF place. This indicates that he is not taking the marriage seriously. 5) She is struggling with this issue. She hasn't just jump on the divorce train full stop. Attempts at communication and compromise have failed. She wants it to work and he doesn't. He wants to play house for a few hours each day. That is completely different from a marriage. The bottom line is its a bad relationship on multiple levels and he is unwilling to work on it. OP, do what you know is right. Link to comment
hers Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 The fact that he said "I'm not coming over" is a huge sign. He clearly doesn't think of your marriage as a committed relationship and he clearly doesn't see your home together as a home. I do not typically recommend divorce so early on and for things like this, but he def doesn't see you two as married and therefore, he shouldn't be married. I'd talk to his parents about it honestly. I mean, if you've been together a decade and you're in your mid 20s, chances are you've been able to get close with his family. So you probably have some sort of relationship with them where you can talk to them. Talk to them and tell them your concerns. "I don't have children or the relationship with my family like Tom does with you, and I am glad you are all so close. But I'm feeling a little lonely and I wish he'd spend more time at home. Do you think maybe you could talk to him about how much time he spends here? Maybe we can work it out to have dinner here twice a week and then you guys come to our house for dinner once or twice a week. I'd love to spend time with you too bu I'm ready to make our home a home." And see what they say. Maybe recommend they come over for dinner one night so he's at least home. And by all means, and I know this will be hard bc it'd be nearly impossible for me, don't yell at him about it. Stop. Be calm and day "I'd really appreciate if you'd come home. I'd like to have dinner with my husband" and do so in a calm voice. Change your attitude in order for him to start changing his. He's on the defensive majorly right now and for good reason in his head. Please let us know how it goes. Link to comment
Blue Spiral Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I'm an emotionally closed-off person, and he sounds like me, in terms of not wanting to live his life with someone else. (I imagine he's not "living his life" with his parents, but rather being an overgrown kid.) People like us don't change, IMHO, so you should move on. Link to comment
sweetestdesire Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 My parents have been married 28 years so i think i have an idea of what marriage is like. Apparently we have different tolerance levels. Because he spends excessive time at his parents does not make him a bad person. She stayed with him for 10 years, so there must have been something that made her stay & deal with his "momma boy" syndrome. Divorce would only be an option for me when i literally tried everything i can in my will & power to make it work. Not only when my husband doesn't want to communicate w/ me about something because i constantly nag about it. Link to comment
sweetestdesire Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 This is TRUE advice here!! Link to comment
sweetestdesire Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 This is what I would recommend: Just as 'hers' posted Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Just because they have been together for 10 years does not mean the relationship good. This forum alone is filled with people who stay in terrible relationships for years. Until you have experience in a long-term relationship where you have negotiate something like this I would recommend getting off your high horse. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 My parents have been married 28 years so i think i have an idea of what marriage is like. Apparently we have different tolerance levels. Because he spends excessive time at his parents does not make him a bad person. She stayed with him for 10 years, so there must have been something that made her stay & deal with his "momma boy" syndrome. Divorce would only be an option for me when i literally tried everything i can in my will & power to make it work. Not only when my husband doesn't want to communicate w/ me about something because i constantly nag about it. They are mid 20's so that means they got together at 15. At 15 NO relationship is mature by ANY stretch of the imagination. SO the fact they have been together with 7 of those years being technically a child does not really give credence to it being exactly a 10 year adult solid relationship. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 My parents have been married 28 years so i think i have an idea of what marriage is like. Apparently we have different tolerance levels. Because he spends excessive time at his parents does not make him a bad person. She stayed with him for 10 years, so there must have been something that made her stay & deal with his "momma boy" syndrome. Divorce would only be an option for me when i literally tried everything i can in my will & power to make it work. Not only when my husband doesn't want to communicate w/ me about something because i constantly nag about it. But this isn't just about spending excessive amounts of time at his parents. It's about the OP cooking dinner for them both but eating alone at nights while her husband would prefer to eat elsewhere. It's about the lie he told her regarding the van. It's about the lie he told her when he was supposedly working for a whole weekend when clearly he was at his parents. That isn't a marriage. I was married for 13 years and my parents have been married for 48 years so I know how marriages work too ... and how they don't ... and this is most definitely not what a marriage is about. No-one said that he was bad, just that he isn't acting as a married man should do and that clearly this isn't what he wants. I don't think it matters that they had been together 10 years before they married or that she was already aware of him being a mummy's boy, I doubt she predicted this would happen. The OP can try as hard as she likes to make the marriage work but if it isn't what her husband wants then there is absolutely NOTHING she can do to change that. She simply doesn't have the power to change how he feels. What more can she do that she hasn't tried already? He won't go to marriage guidance, he won't speak to the priest, he doesn't invite his parents over and evidently she isn't expected or invited over there and I'm not sure that talking to his parents is going to make a difference. For one thing, he won't like it one little bit and I personally feel that it will just make things a whole lot worse ... and what can she really tell them that they don't already know. She can tell them how SHE feels I guess. She can tell them she wants to make the marriage work but he's a mummy's boy remember. As far as his parents are concerned, this is about what HE wants and they can't, and probably won't, force him to do something he clearly doesn't want to. Link to comment
superfan Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I think it's unfair to say the OP is 'taking the easy way out', or that the OP doesn't value marriage or isn't trying to work for it. And just because someone has parents who have been together longer than two decades doesn't mean you are the expert on what it takes to make a marriage. My parents have been married 30 years, and they have a miserable marriage. In my opinion, they should have thrown in the towel and gotten divorced YEARS ago. They have nothing in common, they don't even LIKE each other, and they fight constantly. I have NEVER seen them hug, kiss or show any kind of physical affection to one another. NEVER. And I am 29 years old. Sometimes, ending a marriage IS the right thing to do if the relationship you have is not a healthy or fulfilling marriage. And from what the OP has said, it seems she has done everything she could in order to salvage the relationship and try to make the marriage work. But you can only make a marriage work if BOTH parties want it to work. Going to counseling alone, and talking to the priest without him there, makes it obvious that he is not "in" the marriage. In cases like this, the best thing for all parties involved is for two people to go their separate ways. OP, you have invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship and this man and I can understand your reluctance to end the relationship - ten years is a long time. But you need to consider at the end of the day what you are sacrificing. If he isn't willing to be a full partner in the relationship then you deserve to find someone who does want to be. I think that part of the problem IS that some people give up on a marriage too easily when things get bad, but another part of the problem is that these same people probably shouldn't have gotten married to begin with. And for some reason in society there is this stigma that if you get divorced, you are someone who doesn't understand what proper relationships are or someone who doesn't "value" marriage. Sometimes the wisest thing to do is to know when a relationship has run it's course. Link to comment
sweetestdesire Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 We're talking about her husband not coming for 3 hrs everyday because he's at his parents house having dinner. & not "living" with her. & refusing to seek "help" Why is everybody assuming she automatically suffered for 10 years? There's scenarios i've heard of & witnessed of husbands way worse. (cheating, addictions, lying) & they still stuck it through because they LOVE each other & nobody is perfect. & how do you know she tried "everything' to make it work? We're hearing one case scenario, not the whole 10 yr relationship. but everyone has different ideals on marriage & can tolerate different things that's why the divorce rate is where it is. So, OP do whatever you feel is best for you & your future. Best Wishes Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 You forgot the lying, making her feel bad, ignoring her feelings, etc. Sweetest, I'm curious, how old are you? You come accross has having a very young mentality about relationships. No one is saying she suffered for 10 years. What we are saying is that your logic She-has-been-with-him-for-10-year-so-she-might-as-well-stick-it-out-for-the-rest-of-her-life, is flawed. As is your assumption that the divorce rate is up because people just give up easily. Its gone up because now women have the power to leave bad marriage, men do not have to put up with a woman who said, "Its your baby." only to find out differently later, etc. And, I would argue, it is far to easy to get married. Instead of making it more difficult for people to divorce we should make it more difficult for them to get married. Link to comment
PhilliesFan001 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 My parents have been married 28 years so i think i have an idea of what marriage is like. Apparently we have different tolerance levels. Because he spends excessive time at his parents does not make him a bad person. She stayed with him for 10 years, so there must have been something that made her stay & deal with his "momma boy" syndrome. Divorce would only be an option for me when i literally tried everything i can in my will & power to make it work. Not only when my husband doesn't want to communicate w/ me about something because i constantly nag about it. No, sorry, but witnessing a marriage and actually being in one are not one in the same. You do not have marital experience. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Exactly no one said she has suffered for 10 years but he is treating his marriage like a 16 year old sleep over party.He sleeps there and then spends all his time with mommy and daddy. That is NOT acceptable. Being married does not mean you put up with not acceptable and say "oh well at least he is not beating me or having sex with the neighbour" Marriage is a partnership and he is acting like a little boy. He also finds nothing wrong with his behavior and lies about it. She married a little boy who does not want to grow up and his mommy and daddy are refusing to make him grow up. She is also not his mommy but his wife and she should not have to lead him by the hand and show him how to be a grown up. That was his parent's job which I guess they failed at. He sounds like a spoiled brat. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 No-one has said she has suffered for 10 years. She likely hasn't but this guy only had 3 changes of clothes at the house. He hasn't even moved in properly for goodness sake! He isn't taking this marriage seriously at all. This should be an exciting time for them both but it isn't very exciting for the OP to eat alone at night while he is eating in the company of his parents. This really isn't just about him spending a little too much time at his parents. It's much, much more than that. It's about his reluctance at spending quality time with his NEW wife. They finally have some time to themselves yet he doesn't seem to want that. He doesn't even want to spend that time with her at his parents. This is also about the lies and, again, his reluctance to seek help. And what about the weekend he disappeared and lied about his whereabouts. Not to mention the fact that he threatened to leave her if she made an issue of it. How is any of this acceptable? If he really cared about his wife he would listen to what she was saying and, at the very least, make some compromises As for the scenarios you mentioned I'm really not sure how someone who can cheat on their partner and lie to them can still love them. That's not love .... and in a situation like that there would be s lot of hearbreak and unhappiness. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 No, sorry, but witnessing a marriage and actually being in one are not one in the same. You do not have marital experience. I agree. Watching my parents be married does not give me the same experience as being married. It is not even close. Link to comment
sweetestdesire Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Moon tiger have u ever been in a relationship where you didn't agree on something with your partner? this is that case scenario. Its not always sugar & plums in a relationship. & it's not your mates job to always keep you happy, for they have feelings/ opinions as well. unless they don't stand up for themselves so that would hurt you right? (because your partner is not doing as you please) so then are u going to call it quits? That's what makes relationships, relationships. you're attempting to combine 2 complete strangers as a whole. how old i am is irrelevant, i have a reason for saying everything i am, & i'm not calling myself an expert that's just my perspective on it. You don't have to agree w/ me Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Again, you show how naive you are about this. This is not a case of two people disagreeing. I would it explain it further but it has already been explain more eloquently by other posters. I'm guessing about 14 or 15. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 I can not see ANY married person finding it ok for someone to spend every single day with their parents and coming home just to sleep that is RIDICULOUS. And his parents just show how bizarre they are for not having him go home to his wife. Link to comment
sweetestdesire Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Again, you show how naive you are about this. This is not a case of two people disagreeing. I would it explain it further but it has already been explain more eloquently by other posters. I'm guessing about 14 or 15. Assume what you want. Like i said, you don't know the relationship as a WHOLE. you're hearing ONE case scenario. There's two sides to every story, how do you even know you heard the whole story? OP even stated herself, from advice of the priest that it can be a "commitment issue" intimacy issue" anything! Link to comment
camus154 Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 The OP's perspective is all we have to go on, so that's precisely what address. And from what she's told us, it's weird, period. It's not a marriage. It's a guy who married a woman and then abandoned their new life together. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Camus, that is a perfect way to put is, the OP has been abandoned in her marriage. Emotionally and physically she doesn't have a partner. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 Moon tiger have u ever been in a relationship where you didn't agree on something with your partner? this is that case scenario. Its not always sugar & plums in a relationship. & it's not your mates job to always keep you happy, for they have feelings/ opinions as well. unless they don't stand up for themselves so that would hurt you right? (because your partner is not doing as you please) so then are u going to call it quits? That's what makes relationships, relationships. you're attempting to combine 2 complete strangers as a whole. how old i am is irrelevant, i have a reason for saying everything i am, & i'm not calling myself an expert that's just my perspective on it. You don't have to agree w/ me You are forgetting one very big factor ..... the OP's husband isn't trying to make his new marriage work. There are also lots of other factors that you seem to be glossing over too. It's not just about doing one thing that OP disagrees with. It's about his whole attitude to his marriage. The OP isn't the one calling it quits .... her husband is. She isn't the one thst wants the divorce. Evidently she has tried making it work .... but he won't talk to her or anyone else about it. Divorce isn't an easy option, I personally think it is a very hard and difficult option but, whatever, more to the point though .... it is sometimes the ONLY option. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted February 8, 2012 Share Posted February 8, 2012 You are forgetting one very big factor ..... the OP's husband isn't trying to make his new marriage work. There are also lots of other factors that you seem to be glossing over too. It's not just about doing one thing that OP disagrees with. It's about his whole attitude to his marriage. The OP isn't the one calling it quits .... her husband is. She isn't the one thst wants the divorce. Evidently she has tried making it work .... but he won't talk to her or anyone else about it. Divorce isn't an easy option, I personally think it is a very hard and difficult option but, whatever, more to the point though .... it is sometimes the ONLY option. I agree. You can not force or cajole someone into wanting to work on their marriage if they plain out do not want to. This completely what is the issue. HE refuses to work on it and no amount of talking has obviously made an impression. He walked out on his marriage before it began, so HE is the one that wants to be divorced. Link to comment
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