Should I divorce my husband?

[chitown9]

OP, this is emotional abuse. We just all want you to stop hurting, and the only way that is going to happen is if this madness comes to an end...

[married2011]

I am back to write, I hope it's ok because I am still in the exact same position. Still here, still hoping, still trying, etc.

I had to do something that makes me feel uneasy inside and I want to know if I did the right thing. I'm thinking so, but it hurts and it causes me anxiety.

 

My husband randomly came home saying he is having someone come over to do some remodeling. I knew it was on the list of things to do and he did run the company by me a few months ago. But without asking me what I thought or if we could do this he had already set up an appointment while at his parent's house.

So the guy came over and we signed on to have this done. Now I am canceling it. At first I told my husband I can't afford it. That's partly true. But I told him, mainly, I don't know why we are doing this! Then he said to me that it has to be done for insulation and also it would help in selling the house if we divorce.

 

At first I thought he was wanting to do this remodel because he was actually going to start coming home from work, and all else. Like take it seriously. But that was not the case. This is a prime example of me just raising my hopes and thinking it is getting better if I try this and that. I think I said before that I had these same feelings when he has wanted to go furniture shopping. Those things all confuse me.

 

Did I do the right thing? I think so.. but I feel uneasy and anxious. If I still have no spine come winter it will definitely end up costing us in heating. But he wants to do this 6 month financing and I don't want another tie into this for obvious reasons. He wont sign for it without my name on it too.

 

Also made me feel uneasy when he was on the phone secretly with his mother not long after that guy left and got mad when I walked in on him outside, talking about who knows what but it was about he remodel people.

The other thing is when the guy came to give us the quote he said to my husband "Ah, I see you went to one of our showrooms!" and he said no cautiously... this place is down the street from where his parent's live and I'm sure they all went together and I was none the wiser.

Another thing was the next night he and I were talking about what to have for dinner, figuring out what we feel like doing, either cook or go out, and his mother called interrupting the conversation. My husband lied to me saying he had to go help his father move things and I heard the whole thing, she invited him over because she was grilling. So he ditched me, lied and denied, and ate dinner there.

Another thing was him playing his voicemail in the bedroom last week and his friend saying he's having a cookout this Saturday... suddenly my husband is informing me that he "might have to work" that day which is very rare for a weekend. To leave me out, he will just go there. He won't admit it. He denies hearing anything about anything going on.

I just keep thinking of that and using it to push me away from this. When I read over this I realize how stupid it sounds! I will still post it...

[agent1607307371]

Then he said to me that it has to be done for insulation and also it would help in selling the house if we divorce.

 

He is really uninterested in being with you. What do you need to happen to make yourself move on getting out of the marriage?

[ParisPaulette]

I read this whole thing not really believing my eyes, frankly. This is so beyond strange, but here are my two cents on this. The man you married and his family all have serious deeply imbedded psychological problems of the mental/emotional variety. The kind of problems of the, they will need lots and lots of therapy to ever have normal relationships outside of the family, variety. Unfortunately it sounds like they simply feed on each other's emotional/mental problems and so don't feel the need for anything to change. They have each other and that's all they need in their eyes. That much is pretty obvious from your description of things here.

 

It is one thing to sort out the ordinary problems that life throws at couples. When that's the case I do think that divorce is not the answer. If you both love each other and agreed to make a marriage then yes you should make an effort to fix things. However, that obligation ends when certain things enter the picture such as knowing deception of a serious nature that was committed by one partner against the other before the marriage was entered into. Someone marrying a woman while he carries on the affair he's had for years with another woman and continues to do so after he is married comes to mind as one example. In this case I'm pretty sure your husband never said, "BTW I'm going to continue living at my parents after we're married and you aren't invited." And that he didn't display this behavior before you married him. In other words, he deceived you into believing you would actually have a marriage where he would spend time with you as husband and wife and be making his own life with you. That's a very huge deception to me. And yes, an annulment is actually in order since he never fulfilled his obligations as a husband in the first place. Also for any of those naysayers on here who have scolded you over thinking of divorce I would like to point out that for a marriage to work, for it to actually be a marriage (or any relationship at all really) it takes two people who are working together as a team to overcome problems and face what life brings them. If one partner refuses to fix things--i.e. "I am going to keep doing drugs, hitting you, sleeping with other people, staying at my parent's house etc." then it isn't a marriage to begin with. And no, you don't have to stay any longer. You already have tried to work things out repeatedly, you don't talk to the parents because you know instinctively that if they're okay with their grown son staying at their place all the time when he should be home with his wife then they are more than okay with the whole thing. And in fact are actively working together with him to ruin your marriage. Even the "nice" father who should be putting a proverbial boot to everyone's backside in that house. (At least in my opinion)

 

Seriously staying with this man is pointless. You have already outlined all of the things you want for the marriage but know you won't have with him. I say free yourself from these mentally damaged people. I know this hurts now, change is usually scary, but in the end it will leave you free to find far better in life. You deserve someone who is sane and emotionally healthy enough to want to be with you and make a life with you. Not his mother and father and sister forever.

[ParisPaulette]

BTW as a mother with grown sons I have to say I would never, ever tolerate my sons marrying someone then wanting to stay at my house all the time. I'd either be like, "Bring her here too or don't come at all." Or I'd be sitting my son down to have a serious talk about how he needs to go live his life now and not stay clinging to me. And then I'd likely go seek out some sort of counseling for what I could possibly have done to damage my son emotionally to the point he'd want to cling to me to the point of obsession. That is not normal any way you look at it and as a mother and parent I can tell you that with no doubts or reservations that I'm right.

[Seraphim]

I can tell you without an reservations or qualms this man is a FRUIT LOOP. Run away!

[PhilliesFan001]

I can tell you without an reservations or qualms this man is a FRUIT LOOP. Run away!

 

Agreed. This is not a marriage.

[veryconfused20]

Does he ever include you in dinner with the rents?

[Moontiger]

OP, I forget, have you seen a therapist? If not I strongly recommend it (it was the best thing I ever did). They can really help you figure out A) What you want. B) How to get it.

 

Now, yes I think you did the right thing. I just really wish I was there to give you a hug. OP, its time to leave. No amount of love, understanding, or patience will change him. Early on I believe I advice packing up his three sets of clothing and driving them over to his mothers house and just leaving them on the front porch. I would so add a note saying, "(name), I'm sorry things have turned out like this. We are not a married couple. We don't live together. You live her and I live at was supposed to be out home. Here is your clothing. If you need anything else from the apartment let me through text message or email." Or something like that.

 

I think you know deep down that nothing is going to change. Think about your life in 10, 20, 30 years. Do you really still what THIS to be your life?

[married2011]

I really really really appreciate letting me come here and vent and everything because I know it's been going on a while and a lot of what I write is really the same position.

Yes I have seen a marriage counselor and she was helpful by confirming my feelings on this. I haven't seen her in a couple of months but I might see her again.

 

I am just so sick to my stomach over this. I feel like I'm going crazy. One of my neighbors said to my husband "Jesus you must work a crazy amount of hours!" because he is never here.

To everyone else he seems like this great guy, hard worker... I wanted to badly to say "yeah, 40 hours a week!" but didn't.

I hate that he has everyone fooled and I also hate that I even care!

 

Now all of a sudden, after nearly a year married he is saying he will be bringing his truck... But just a couple days a week. The days he has the truck here his car is at his parents. I don't get it!

 

Then he says to me that just because I don't think it's normal doesn't mean there's anything wrong with it. Comments like that keep me in the cycle.

And then he lies and says he only goes to his parents for 20 minutes! It's at least a couple to a few hours after work each day. But he is screaming at me that it is just 20 minutes.

 

Earlier I felt ready and now I feel caught up again. It is so simple. If I want to be with him for the rest of my life all have to do is be alienated and separate. All I have to do is tolerate him putting everyone else before me, etc. and put up with all the hurt he's caused.

There is no love I feel coming from him to me. He even said to me that he just wants to divorce since we "don't get along" (this is the all of what we fight about) and that he will move on and won't be sad about it.

 

Right now my feelings are very muddy. I go back and forth. I really don't want to get divorced and start over, he really has me feeling like I'm doing something wrong and wrong to feel this way. I have been told this is what emotional abuse is.

 

I also don't know when to stop, I know I could take his things to his parents and I could also empty the house and just leave with my things, but it's hard to get out of this. It hurts so much any time he has left to stay at his parent's after an argument over all this.

[agent1607307371]

I really don't want to get divorced and start over,

 

I have to ask OP, start over from what? This is not a marriage, it's a holding pattern that is keeping you in a loneyl place and preventing you from moving forward.

 

I think that seeing the counselor again would be a good idea.

[poetryandlyrics]

Do it. It's better to start all over now than later. Much better now. He is a pointless existence that is ruining your existence. He mentioned divorce to you so take it. He simply doesn't care. He will probably mention that it is your fault, but you know what? Who really cares when we all know, when your family knows, when you know the truth. Everybody on this site is certainly supporting you, not one bit to him.

 

And yes, if you maintain with him, you will never matter to him. If you ever get pregnant (I wonder how -- I hope you don't want kids or else you probably won't get any if you remain), I don't know if he'd be around. I don't know the future of your kids. I don't know where your kids will be. It's such a murky future. Why must you tolerate him and be second place?

 

I would divorce him. I would move away. I would actually change the locks on the door, get rid of all his things. Then move my things slowly to another place for a new start. Before your existence is reduced much more because of his pointless existence. Don't let him beat you down.

[Moontiger]

 

Earlier I felt ready and now I feel caught up again. It is so simple. If I want to be with him for the rest of my life all have to do is be alienated and separate. All I have to do is tolerate him putting everyone else before me, etc. and put up with all the hurt he's caused.

There is no love I feel coming from him to me. He even said to me that he just wants to divorce since we "don't get along" (this is the all of what we fight about) and that he will move on and won't be sad about it.

 

He is emotionally abusing you and tell you VERY clearly that he does not want this marriage. NONE of that is your doing. His actions have lead to this. It doesn't matter what he says to you because you know the truth.

 

Right now my feelings are very muddy. I go back and forth. I really don't want to get divorced and start over, he really has me feeling like I'm doing something wrong and wrong to feel this way. I have been told this is what emotional abuse is.

 

Yes!!! Exactly, it may be hard to understand but you are being abused. Think, if he was hitting you would you leave? Well, why do you think so little of yourself to think you deserve this?

 

I

Right also don't know when to stop, I know I could take his things to his parents and I could also empty the house and just leave with my things, but it's hard to get out of this. It hurts so much any time he has left to stay at his parent's after an argument over all this.

 

Today. Today is the day to stick up for yourself and say, "You know what? I am an awesome person who deserves to be loved and treated with respect. There is someone out there who can't wait to meet me and spend their life with him. And the more time I waste on this jerk is less time I have with that person and less time I have to be happy in this life.

 

He causes nothing but pain. Think of him like a burner on a stove top. Why do you keep putting your hand on it? You know it will cause nothing but misery. Time to try something new.

 

I get how emotionally painful this must be for you. Emotional abusers destroy a persons self esteem and make them think that everything is their fault. I would list out some facts on a paper to help you get your mind around your situation I'll help get you started:

 

FACTS:

 

1)I am married

2) My husband spends more time with his parents than with me

3) He keeps few to none personal objects in out home.

4) I have tried talking to him and marriage therapy to fix our situation

5) He has refused to take any steps to fix out marriage

6) I don't feel loved

7) I am yelled at and put down constantly

 

Read that through. Just 7 truths about your marriage. Let me ask, if a co-worker, friend, or family member came to you and said "This is my marriage. What do you think I should do?" What advice would you give them?

[Lonewing]

No matter how many times you look under this rock, it will still look the same.

 

Stop looking, start doing.

[Ms Darcy]

Being single is a place of empowerment. Not a low point ... change your perspective.

[Lonewing]

I really don't want to get divorced and start over...

 

Getting divorced would start you off at Zero, which is much better off than where you are now - you are deeply negative and the longer you stick with this investment, the more negative it will get in time. Your time up to now is Sunk Cost - you will never get it back. Stop sending good time after bad, you already know what it will get you!

 

Rooting for you...

[married2011]

Thank you again for being here for me, to let me vent and listen and wisdom.

I just want to get to where I'm going at this point, so hard to let go but I feel less afraid of being single and on my own for a while. I am coping with that idea.

What I don't understand is why he would divorce me over any of my above complaints? He has been googling divorce a lot lately. When he doesn't help me any around the house he just says don't worry it's coming to an end.

I just can't believe he thinks me speaking up to him is making him want to divorce me.

I'm very calm and gentle with everything I say to him lately, but for a time I was a bit more frantic because of the seriousness. I am hurt that he acts like I am divorce worthy just for that, after all he is doing to me. Oh no I complain he doesn't come home from work... Poor thing he is!

 

[abitbroken]

My ex threatened divorce every time I did something he didn't like also. I think if he was going to leave you, his folks would have gladly fetched him the divorce papers by now. I think what keeps him married is that he has someone to manipulate or they all think this is what marriage is.

 

I would not only talk to a marriage counselor, but your pastor and an attorney. The pastor for your personal peace of mind and the attorney to learn what your rights are and to educate you about what you need to do to protect yourself physically, emotionally and personally. I think no matter if this is a divorce or an annulment due to abandonment, sham, or lack of consummation - you need to leave for your sanity. I would start by gathering up copies of your very personal papers - bc, social security, personal bank stuff and putting it in a bag or special place so that if you need to leave you can just grab it all with you at any time.

 

I almost thought about saying don't talk to him about coming home for a few days and actually go somewhere yourself. Go to dinner with friends. or even go to visit a relative for a few days and don't tell him. I mean, does he sleep at his folks house? The problem with this at this stage is he could claim abandonment if you left for awhile. But really, at this point, you just need your own sanity back. You don't belong in this prison of a marriage with a husband who has not moved in. If he were not on the deed, i'd change the locks. he wants to renovate the house to show what a good guy he is and to keep you there. I am sure he was told that if he does work on the house he will have more claim to it or it will prove he slept there. I would be tempetd to take photos of the inside of the house, the empty dresser drawers to show he doesn't even live there

[Lonewing]

You need to be moving that you don't get hit by the element of surprise and thus lose the initiative; find a good attorney and get your options on the table and then ACT. If there's a time limit on an annulment, which is much cleaner than a divorce, you need to ACT before you lose that option! As it is, he's preparing his defense, or offense. It's a bloody game, to be honest.

[married2011]

I really appreciate the advice again, It is just really nice to have a place I feel I can go, be understood, unload a bit. I hate to go in circles but I am sure I am... you guys really have been great... I think I started this thread in February which says a LOT to me about this whole issue!!

 

I just want to say that lately I have finally truly been able to imagine life without him. Even though I love him so much, the thought doesn't seem so impossible anymore. I think this is a huge step for me.

 

What is really killing me is his dad is in the hospital for a broken bone and surgery and my husband won't let me visit. All the rest of the family and friends have visited and will visit. He told me I can't go because I "don't like" his family. Funny how he can't seem to elaborate on that and why it would mean I can never see them again, as he put it. He has been going the past two days he's been there and stays until 10pm, will be like this probably until the end of the week.

 

I just can't believe that he is doing this with forbidding that I go. Even a couple weeks ago he said to me, I better not drive by his parent's house or he will divorce me and that I am "not invited". This was when he said he had to spend the day helping his dad do something at their house. I told him "Oh I'd love to come by!" and was met with that reaction.

 

It makes me feel like oh that's alright- I must have just done or said something wrong. I always go to that, I think again with the emotional abuse.

 

I forget if I said this, I think I did but our neighbor said to him "you must work a lot!" because he's never here... this same neighbor asked me the other day, same question "So, he works a lot, huh?" and I finally said "Oh! Well, he is a bit of a mummy's boy, he's there in the mornings and after work for a few hours every day." I just snapped, like I couldn't take it, I laughed and smiled big when I said it, the neighbor laughed honestly it was like he KNEW something was up, like something didn't seem right. I just got that impression, but who knows... I can't believe I said it though.

 

Honestly, I felt like I had a voice.

 

I don't like that my husband is saying I don't like his family, as if that is why I am being quarantined from them because they are the ones with the problem (honestly, it's just the mother and sister, everyone else is so nice). It's like blaming it on me for all that has gone on. No friends of his have been by, he always gets angry at me when I said I would like to invite one. Last weekend he swore at me "F off, they're MY friends!" and I was talking about one of the girlfriends that I have been friendly with over the years.

 

I'm still getting caught up on what people think, it just hurts because anyone can think what they want but I just want it based on the truth, and he is painting a picture that things are how they are because of me. I am hung up on that and feel like it's the final thing to break free from and I have been hung up on it since the start of this, I think once I finally get over that I will be able to move on. Do a lot of people feel that way when divorcing?

[Seraphim]

I am wondering what your family was like. Where did you learn to take this over and over and over and make yourself into a victim?

[Lonewing]

Does the entire forest have to be on fire before you call the fire department to come and put it out??????

 

You started this in February. It is now June. You're losing initiative the longer you wait for HIM to act - that's what's going on here! You're waiting for him to make this decision for him, one that you honestly should have made three months ago by filing paperwork.

 

He is a selfish brat; GET HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE!

 

You need to get this faux marriage dissolved ASAP - you're not losing anything by leaving him. But you will lose anything and everything if you sit and wait. Find a divorce attorney, get your paperwork moving. This marriage - this Man - is a travesty!

[Seraphim]

Who CARES what other people think about you divorcing. They do not have to live your life. Forget them.

[Sapientia]

What happens if he shows up home and you aren't there?

 

Nagging him won't get you what you want. But a dose of his own medicine might work. Or not. If he doesn't care, then you should probably consider splitting.

[Sapientia]

Great post. And, as a woman who is finally divorcing her emotionally absent husband after 17 years--I waited for our child to grow up enough to understand the dysfunction and why its better being apart--I can only advise: Run. Now. Find the strength, its never going to get easier to leave than it is now.

 

Oh and I also understand the enabling of his family. I've been through that also. These emotionally disconnected people need to find other people like them to be happy. You will be doing him and yourself a favour by ending your sham of a marriage now. Good luck.