Should I divorce my husband?

[chitown9]

I don't believe he had a falling out with anyone in his family. He is just saying that to make you feel bad.

 

I agree with this. Also, it is human nature to try to hold on the good memories and repress the bad ones. I think when he gives you just one glimmer of hope that you try to hold on to it for dear life. This man has serious, deep problems that would take a long time in therapy to resolve, and he won't even go to therapy so......it is a hopeless cause for him. The only mistake that you made is that you put your money on the wrong horse. Don't second guess yourself. You have your family and people here who all "get" your situation and tell you that you deserve better for yourself to get out of the situation. All these people cannot be wrong and in the meantime, time marches on. Thank your lucky stars that children were not brought into this. It would have made things even more difficult for you, if you can imagine that. Close this chapter in your life and look forward to a bright future. Your intelligence and caring heart come through in all your posts, and it is literally being wasted on the wrong person. As I said before, keep coming back to this site, even if it is just to vent. Change does not come easily, but the only thing that does not change in life is change. Your life will be constantly evolving and you will continue to learn and grow, and with it comes growing pains. This experience was a process, and with it you took away a lot of knowledge. Please keep us advised as to your journey as you continue with your life. We are all routing for you...

[married2011]

I appreciate you guys SO MUCH. You have been a huge part of my support system. I've told my mother and aunt that I've been talking online with people and recalling points made and how much you have helped me!

 

I just wanted to say that now its been a few days and I actually have not cried much and I had some crushed feelings but have not returned since Saturday and Sunday. The first day to two days was hard.

The emotion I feel is guilt for him for the most part. Then I felt some anger about the things I've dealt with. But I do not have any feelings of wanting to return.

I actually have been feeling happy and even a bit excited if you can believe it! I feel free, I feel like I can LIVE. I know I've been told I wouldn't see this for what it is until I left and I didn't believe that. Well now I do.

 

I am not looking back anymore, I think to myself going back or having stayed and I say out loud "Hell no!!"

I'm sure I will feel upset at certain points but to be totally honest I am in shock with how well I am doing. I think having an apartment to go to like I have has really helped me move forward instead of backwards like moving back to my parent's.

 

Called the lawyer I was in touch with, I honestly only had called one other months ago. I didn't find any reviews really on any, but didn't find bad things at least.

 

I'm worried about shelling out the money sort of on a whim- I've met with them, they seem reputable, their retainer to start is $2,000, I called them yesterday and they remembered me and said they're ready to go once I give the retainer so I am going to do that today I was thinking.

My husband told me he met with a friend who is a lawyer- I don't know this person. When I told him about the one I saw saying $2,000 he was not surprised.

 

I just want to move ahead with confidence- they seem nice and to know their stuff. They told me in our state I should be divorced in a year, also that our divorce should be a simpler matter than most because we have only been married a year and own NOTHING jointed except our house and we both are in agreement to sell. I don't know if perhaps I should shop around more, I think I will go with them and call today when I get out of work.

[Seraphim]

Well good for YOU!!

And btw do not listen to your husband on choice of lawyer and you DO NOT get the SAME lawyer. The lawyer you get takes care of YOU and has nothing to do with him other than negotiating. Do NOT discuss with your husband your choice of lawyer. You are setting yourself up for a screw job.

[DieTeufelKatze]

Good for you!! Just remember, it takes a while to really recover from events like these, so don't be surprised if your emotions are all over the place for a while, that is normal and natural. Just sit with it and know it's only temporary, it gets better with time.

 

You guys probably also qualify for an annulment? It seems like the marriage was never really there in the first place, and like you said, there's only the house to consider.

 

My husband's divorce was over with in less than a month, and they had far more equity to dissolve (mostly his ex wife's student and credit card debts), I'm sure it's different in your state (Kansas, if I remember right?). As it is, you've practically been living separate except for when he would come "home" to sleep, but it sounds like your state is one that requires a year separation before divorce. Too bad you can't count your first year as that.

[married2011]

Thank you again all,

I do feel my emotions everywhere if I'm given the chance to think about him I can be just fine and other times I will feel lonely. But the one thing I do not feel is wanting to go back. Now that it is the weekend, first full week without him it feels hard, actually maybe just uncomfortable. Thoughts pop into my head like I -could- call him, I could call anyone actually even random numbers, but I never ever would call his. I also blocked his numbers from my phone.

I know he has been by our house so he knows I'm totally gone and knows I wasn't bluffing about leaving.

 

Also I finally settled on a lawyer, I found someone close to my work and who I am totally comfortable with especially as I found them through someone.

 

I finally see I am living my chance to be truly happy. Weekends I think will be hard... I am actually really busy with work but I still hear people all outside and know it is Friday night.

I feel lonely. This whole week though I have really enjoyed my time out of that marriage.

 

I have actually felt extremely happy at times. I really do feel free.

 

Seeing photos of him on my computer I think had a role in some of the things I'm feeling. I'm glad to hear again that this is normal and natural, it helps me to think clearly and logically about this. I've been fine with driving by the house and even going in, so that is good! I tried to go this week so that I wouldn't let time pass and allow my brain to puff things up bigger than they really are. I have to be at that house during this process and I don't want it to be uncomfortable.

 

I'm glad I've got a lawyer all set and she sent him a letter about me wanting to start the filing for divorce. I did hear different things from different lawyers I've talked to but this one told me 90 days from filing I can expect to be about finished with the process. I'm really not sure why I was told more than one thing by others.

 

I'm ready to be happy!!! But I am very lonely right now. Maybe once it gets colder and everyone isn't outside it might help. Plus I want to go out and have more friends and experiences myself

 

Also I cannot believe I am at this point! It took so long but I'm finally here. I think what helped me is that I left no stone unturned.

[abitbroken]

90 days sounds about right if there are no financial disputes and no kids. The one thing that might be different is the others might have figured that you wouldn't want the divorce finalized until after the house was soldu are okay with the house being decided - you walk away and he pays you out, it is sold, it is foreclosed, and how the money will be divided or how the outstanding debt/short fall will be divided - but not resolved - then you are all set.

[chitown9]

Just checking in to see how you are doing. I am glad that you set yourself free to be available for that special man who will be there for you.....

[married2011]

I am really having a hard time today because my lawyer heard from his lawyer, it ended up being a family member of his that is about our age mid to late 20's or so.

 

It really upset me to hear my husband is very emotional, wants to work on the marriage and does not want this but accepts the fact I want to divorce.

 

Obviously this really upset me to hear he is "very emotional" which to even say anything about it tells me he could be maybe not doing well at all? Also wanting to try on the marriage...? After so many times of me telling him that when I leave it's for good, giving him time after time over and over the opportunity to work on the marriage, etc... Also they said he has been trying to call me but I had blocked his number and his parent's house's number, his sister and mother's cells when I left.

 

It really kills me. It really threw me through a loop. Since leaving there were some bumps in my emotions initially but for the most part I've been relatively happy. I've been content with my decision and also know what was wrong and know what things should be like.

 

I mean honestly, could anything change? Does it ever really change when people want to try to work on things and they go back? I imagine and wonder if things would just go back to the way they were before. After so many years together and things being one way, could one person change so much? Is he even wanting to change?

 

One of the times he left me, the longest time, he was very upset but was adamant about going. I told him I don't care anymore about the things that were going wrong, I told him it's ok I'll accept it it's fine, keep doing what you're doing- because it hurt so much to think of losing him. But once he came back I found myself unable to cope with what was going on (all the issues I've mentioned here).

 

I do not plan to call him and do not plan to go back but for my sanity, does it ever really work out when you're at this point?

I've heard plenty of times that things are great for stretches at a time, and then go right back the way they were.

It is absolutely killing me, I would so much rather hear he moved on and is having a baby- honestly! Not hear that he is upset.

Something else that was said is his lawyer, the cousin's fiance, said he thinks the divorce would be inevitable. My lawyer said it sounded like they've done a lot of talking. So I hope that means they see he wouldn't change, just that he didn't want to divorce? I mean I did not want to divorce him, but I could not go on.

[Seraphim]

His lawyer should NOT be telling you that. That is VERY manipulative and unprofessional. Get your lawyer to deal with his lawyer and have nothing to do with his family anymore.

[married2011]

I really wish I never knew this info, his lawyer is a family member as this guy is his cousin's fiancée.

[abitbroken]

I think that your lawyer merely relayed what they were told to not keep secrets. Remember: this is all a manipulation. He is going to either tell the cousin to say he is really upset or he is going to walk around wounded because the little boy got caught at his game and someone is actually creating a clear line in the sand and can't take it anymore. He also may also be taking heat from his folks who were okay with the drama of the false marriage you had but how dare someone imply junior failed at something.

 

I really wish the other lawyer wasn't a family member because you know the lawyer is putting their own two cents and emotions in on this, too. Saying it was "inevitable" could be something that "how dare he treat her like this. No kidding they are getting divorced" or they could be talking about how bad you are.

 

But you don't care anymore. Talk to your lawyer and say that you want your lawyer to be just strictly business with the other side. Tell the lawyer what you want out of this - do you want to walk away from the house or will it be sold to pay off whatever debt is there? And you want to make sure your name is on nothing with him.

[WyattE]

Just curious, you knew you were getting married right? By watching enough movies/tv shows/real life, we see how marriage works?. I'm against the divorce/separation.annulment thing, I see that only as an easy way out. You gotta try everything to make it work. Unfortunately for you, he doesnt seem into the marriage idea, so counseling/talking serious with him... just don't be a quitter like most people, at least not yet.

[Fudgie]

Just curious, you knew you were getting married right? By watching enough movies/tv shows/real life, we see how marriage works?. I'm against the divorce/separation.annulment thing, I see that only as an easy way out. You gotta try everything to make it work. Unfortunately for you, he doesnt seem into the marriage idea, so counseling/talking serious with him... just don't be a quitter like most people, at least not yet.

 

How the heck can she work at a marriage when the man won't even COME HOME during the week? He's a little boy who just keeps running to mommy's teat and won't man up and be a husband. He SAYS he wants to work on it but it's clear that he doesn't want to. How can you tell someone to work on a marriage when it's clear that the other spouse won't work on it either?? I would never advise her to stay in this sham of a marriage and it's clear that 99% of people in this thread wouldn't either.

 

married2011, I would NOT talk to the family anymore, at all. Let your lawyer deal with his lawyer and leave it at that.

[chitown9]

... just don't be a quitter like most people, at least not yet.

 

I think you missed something Wyatt. This woman has done everything in her power to make this "marriage" work. It has taken a whole gang of people to finally get her to see the light. Now you don't want her to be a quitter? Please read the entire thread before you respond.

 

OP, I am sure it is puzzling to hear your husband's supposed reaction to the recent change of events. However, I don't think he has really changed a bit. It may actually be a shock for him now that the reality of divorce is sinking in for him. Perhaps he has been in denial, thinking he could behave the way he did and you would just hang in there forever. Who knows? You gave him plenty of opportunity to get with the program, hanging on to any little thread of hope whatsoever. Please don't revert to that false hope again and start second guessing yourself. You deserve someone who really there for you, and not this ghost who comes home occasionally to play the part. Just thank your lucky stars that there are no children involved. :star: ....chi

[agent1607307371]

Just curious, you knew you were getting married right? By watching enough movies/tv shows/real life, we see how marriage works?. I'm against the divorce/separation.annulment thing, I see that only as an easy way out. You gotta try everything to make it work. Unfortunately for you, he doesnt seem into the marriage idea, so counseling/talking serious with him... just don't be a quitter like most people, at least not yet.

 

 

When commenting on threads, it is very helpful to actually read the full thread. This woman has gone above and beyond to try to forge a marriage out of this situation.

[Seraphim]

Just curious, you knew you were getting married right? By watching enough movies/tv shows/real life, we see how marriage works?. I'm against the divorce/separation.annulment thing, I see that only as an easy way out. You gotta try everything to make it work. Unfortunately for you, he doesnt seem into the marriage idea, so counseling/talking serious with him... just don't be a quitter like most people, at least not yet.

 

Believe me I am not much on divorce either if it can be saved but this guy and his family are bonafide NUTS. Almost cult like NUTS about it just being them. She has been tortured enough. She should run far and fast from the fruitloop family.

[DN]

It requires two people to make a marriage.

 

This guy never tried to engage in it at all so the OP did not quit - there was nothing to quit.

[married2011]

I just had a conversation with my lawyer about this and told her how emotional it is for me and how hearing about him sets me back... she reminded me it will be emotional and there will be other bumps and it kind of made me feel more "normal" about it- like to not feel like my emotions mean anything profound like hearing he is emotional and doesn't want this doesn't have to mean we must get back together. She didn't say that but that is how I am realizing it now. I feel these emotions will be a struggle with the "what if's" but I really do want to move on and have stability for once.

 

I have had a constant feeling of sadness in the pit of my stomach since the phone call, she keeps saying his lawyer (the family member) is very nice and a gentleman, and honestly I don't want to know even that. I feel like since it's family that I am communicating with my husband.

She doesn't know why we divorced and told me its not something she wishes to know but I can tell her, she said not knowing helps her to do her job. And I said well yes, I already dealt with the emotional before I left and I want this to be cut and dry and about getting to the end.

I told her that it took everything in me to leave and I really can't know if he is upset and really need to sever any sort of feelings of communication with him and that I feel since his lawyer is family that I feel like I'm communicating with my husband still and that I'd not feel that way if it were a neutral person.. she told me I need to just get past that which is true, I can't pick his lawyer.

 

She said she can see how he and I discussed everything already and so that is why this will likely be easy, that everything will be split and things are moving very fast which is good.. I am dreading the court date because I don't want to see or hear him, it will kill me. I'm trying to find a way just one of us could be there if that is even possible. I worry it will destroy me, cutting him off and moving on has been what has allowed me to feel happy.. otherwise it is so hard!

[Lonewing]

Just curious, you knew you were getting married right? By watching enough movies/tv shows/real life, we see how marriage works?. I'm against the divorce/separation.annulment thing, I see that only as an easy way out. You gotta try everything to make it work. Unfortunately for you, he doesnt seem into the marriage idea, so counseling/talking serious with him... just don't be a quitter like most people, at least not yet.

 

we're way way WAY beyond that point... trust me here...

 

OP, I am sure it is puzzling to hear your husband's supposed reaction to the recent change of events. However, I don't think he has really changed a bit.

 

I'm not surprised a bit. He got married for a reason, afterall. He just failed to understand what "Marriage" actually means. He refused to grow up, and now, she's going to give him all the time in the world to learn how to grow up. He needs it.

 

I just had a conversation with my lawyer about this and told her how emotional it is for me and how hearing about him sets me back... she reminded me it will be emotional and there will be other bumps and it kind of made me feel more "normal" about it- like to not feel like my emotions mean anything profound like hearing he is emotional and doesn't want this doesn't have to mean we must get back together. She didn't say that but that is how I am realizing it now. I feel these emotions will be a struggle with the "what if's" but I really do want to move on and have stability for once.

 

In this case she's training you well to control your own emotions without acutlaly telling you to do it. In otherwords, she's building you up to that court date. Yes, you WILL have to face yourself in the mirror - or rather, him. Don't even try to think otherwise - use your ovaries and woman up to it!!

 

I have had a constant feeling of sadness in the pit of my stomach since the phone call, she keeps saying his lawyer (the family member) is very nice and a gentleman, and honestly I don't want to know even that. I feel like since it's family that I am communicating with my husband.

 

Of course he's a very nice gentleman - he's a LAWYER!! You practically have to be a snakeoil salesman to be a lawyer, when it comes down to it!

 

She doesn't know why we divorced and told me its not something she wishes to know but I can tell her, she said not knowing helps her to do her job.

 

If she promises to keep it private, you may direct her to this thread, or if that is too much, print out your first post or so and remove your name and the site name from it - just your post. Maybe even just your first post. I don't know, if this helps her do her job, then perhaps it's for the best.

 

And I said well yes, I already dealt with the emotional before I left and I want this to be cut and dry and about getting to the end.

 

The emotional you've dealt with is just the beginning, before this is through. You'll make it, but you'll have to be tough.

 

I am dreading the court date because I don't want to see or hear him, it will kill me.

 

Oh no, it will not kill you, you must get to the point where you can accept it. If you say you've dealt withthe emotional, at this point I'm not so sure you have if the sight of him, confronting him in person with this reality gives you chills. Granted, I'd think this would give ANYONE chills, but this is part of being an adult and manning up to your responsibilities. You have this responsibility to him as his wife up to the end, but after that, well, then you never have to see him again, once it's settled!! When you see him, you must simply show your strength and NOT cave; cowardice has no reward! You CAN do it, trust in yourself!

[abitbroken]

I really think that you should tell your lawyer why you are divorcing and insist upon telling her. Yes, the reason for your divorce sometimes has a bearing on things. Some things get settled different considering. You might get better consideration and your lawyer may be able to realize that there are crocodile tears coming from the other end. And maybe you can start the annulment process, which is not with the lawyer, but through your church if the reason for the divorce is written the right way?

[married2011]

Now that some family knows it is making me feel very crushed, like I want to go back to him. I won't but this is a lot harder than I thought, I never imagined this would upset me.

[abitbroken]

You don't have to show up at court if all it is will be 10 minutes and the judge is just declaring your divorced as long as you let your lawyer know ahead of time. If you go go, bring your best friend or someone that supports you strongly and will be a good buffer to make sure you don't cave to him.

[Moontiger]

Just curious, you knew you were getting married right? By watching enough movies/tv shows/real life, we see how marriage works?. I'm against the divorce/separation.annulment thing, I see that only as an easy way out. You gotta try everything to make it work. Unfortunately for you, he doesnt seem into the marriage idea, so counseling/talking serious with him... just don't be a quitter like most people, at least not yet.

 

Try reading the thread before you reply. What exactly should she have done? Moved to his parents house?

 

If you had read the thread you would know this is no easy thing for her to do.

[Moontiger]

Now that some family knows it is making me feel very crushed, like I want to go back to him. I won't but this is a lot harder than I thought, I never imagined this would upset me.

 

Having a relationship end, especially a long relationship, its almost like someone has died. You have to go through the grieving process. You will be OK, it may take sometime but you will be.

 

I promise you this, the family may now know that your relationship is over but he has not been honest with them about why it is over. A guy like him will be telling everyone that you were the problem not him. He will never accept that he was the cause of this. One day you will be a responsible, lovely, man who will be about the have a grown up relationship with you.

[Lolligirl]

Oh my God, my boyfriend sounds a LOT like your husband. Check out my thread, if you want to; maybe you'll find some good advice there, too:

 

I hate to say it, but your husband's a mind gamin' weirdo, just like my man. He seems to be experiencing some kind of arrested development/dysfunctional relationship with his parents. Honestly, I can understand how difficult this situation is for you, given the ten years you have into this relationship, but this is EXTREME: the only thing you can do, IMO, is to give your husband an ultimatum.

 

OP, this has to end. You don't deserve this; you deserve a REAL man who will treat you accordingly. If your husband refuses to change, well, then he can marry his PARENTS and go live with them forever. That seems to be what he wants anyway.