Should I divorce my husband?

[faithbw]

I really really really appreciate all of the advice and help. I don't know why this is so hard for me to leave. How do other people do it???

I even have a place to stay, a family member of mine has an apartment I can move into. I am so lost.

 

It can take a long time to get to the point where you can actually leave and where you actually want to leave the relationship. I've known since the beginning of my marriage that things weren't right. However, I've been married for almost six years. It wasn't until a couple of years ago that we started to speak the "D" word and even then, we weren't sure. It took me about two years of our relationship just being crap before I finally decided that I really had enough and it was truly time to seek some legal advice to get started on divorce proceedings. Please do not beat yourself up if you're finding that it's taking longer than you expect or longer than what people say it should take to make a clean break.

 

 

Honestly I am so getting to the end of my rope anyway. Why can't I leave?? What is wrong with me? I am not happy, I am miserable and I'm sick of it! So why can't I leave?? I keep holding out hope, I keep waiting to get to certain marks. I keep feeling like he is just lying to everyone to get away with this. I don't know why that matters!

 

It's probably hard to leave because you've formed an attachment to him. Attachments are very hard to break, even if the attachment is to someone who is toxic to us. I know I mention this a lot but I think you should read about attachment theory in adult relationships. It'll help to explain why we have so much pain when we lose or leave a partner, even if the partner is rather terrible. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't leave and move on. It just means that it won't be easy and we shouldn't expect it to be easy. When you leave, you will miss him and it will hurt. I read in a book that the same part of the brain that registers pain from a broken limb is the same part of the brain that registers pain from a break up. Think about that.

 

Why can everyone else seem to do this but I can't. I called his parent's house and his dad actually answered. My husband was "home". I asked him "when are you coming home?" he said "I just got home now, why?" I'm like... well when are you coming home, what are you doing?

 

Please don't idealize other people. Lots of people take a while before finally leaving a toxic relationship. You've been married about a year and you know you have to leave. That's actually a lot better than other people who stay in bad marriages for years or even decades before deciding to leave.

 

Why do I not run for the hills right now? I think because I still feel I am expecting too much of him. I am so scared to leave, and I shouldn't be because when all is said and done I will have a place to go. I won't have to go back to my parent's, I will have a place to start fresh. I'm just scared, I don't think I could have feelings for anyone else and I worry about other issues in another relationship. Too scared of what is out there. I almost wonder though if I'd be happier alone. When I thought we were over for good it was really hard to swallow. In that moment I truly truly felt like I could handle all of this nonsense. Well here we are again, and I can't handle it.

 

Again, please do not beat yourself up. You've made progress and you know your relationship is not healthy. If it helps, make a deadline for when you want to move out or make an appointment to see a divorce attorney. I'm still living with my husband but having a date in my head to begin filing papers is really helping me. It lets me know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I think it may help you too. The unknown can be scary but think about this: you can't have the possibility of happiness and a new life with someone who puts your happiness first if you're tied down to your current husband.

 

Know that leaving your husband will hurt and it will probably hurt like hell. There will probably be times when you think that it may get better but then think about how many times you have pleaded with your husband to get help, come to counseling and put your needs first and how many times he has ignored you. That should help you to put things in perspective.

[mhowe]

HIs answer to you speaks volumes:

 

You: When are you coming home.

Him: I just got home.

 

He doesn't truly live w/ you --- he lives w/ his parents. He doesn't consider you "home". Run.

[Tanzi]

HIs answer to you speaks volumes:

 

You: When are you coming home.

Him: I just got home.

 

He doesn't truly live w/ you --- he lives w/ his parents. He doesn't consider you "home". Run.

 

Totally agree. Those few words definitely speak volumes.

 

Thing is your "husband" is not considering your stance on this at all and, no doubt, he considers your calls to him asking where he is and when he is coming home as nothing more than a nuiscance. As far as he is concerned you know where he is and when he is likely to be home so he just doesn't get why you "nag" him. In fact it annoys him to the point where he then digs his heels in and stays away for longer. Plus you are providing him with an excuse not to want to come home ..... granted its a lame excuse but he uses it nonetheless.

 

To me, you and everyone else on this thread its pretty obvious where you're coming from but he either doesn't get it (a big possibility coming from a dysfunctional family like his) or he doesn't care. Either way, it doesn't matter, the outcome is the same ..... he continues to live the life of a man who isn't married.

 

You know you really should ease up on yourself. It's not easy letting go of something you want so bad. It's not easy giving up on something you have invested the best part of 10 years into. It takes courage and strength. Right now you are probably at one of the weakest points in your life that you have had to deal with. You are a newly wed already dealing with the prospect of divorce. That's a heavy burden to bear and a lot to deal with by yourself.

 

Firstly I think you need to take a step back from the situation as it is ..... you know he isn't going to come home, you know he will be at his parents, you know no amount of calls or texts are going to make him rush home to his new wife and new home..... so ease up on chasing after him. It's not going to change anything and I'm sure you are just whipping yourself up in to a frenzy. I think you need to take a big step backwards and try to detatch yourself from the marriage too. It's not going to be easy, not by a long shot, but trying to accept what is actually happening here instead of trying to change what is happening here will, at least, be a starting point or a platform from which you can begin your journey outta there.

[kaibutsu]

HIs answer to you speaks volumes:

 

You: When are you coming home.

Him: I just got home.

 

He doesn't truly live w/ you --- he lives w/ his parents. He doesn't consider you "home". Run.

 

This exactly. And why is it so hard to leave? Because it's your husband and you had hopes and dreams and couldn't possibly have expected that he would be doing something like this after you were married. Just because it is the right thing to do, doesn't mean it's an easy decision to make. I constantly tell myself that I should leave my relationship but I keep trying and hoping it will work. In my heart I know it won't, just like you know that there is no way you can live your life like you are now. I am glad you have some place to go. Start planning it in your mind about what you would do when you leave and get your mind around it. Eventually you can get the annulment that you need. Be glad that it happened at this stage of the marriage and that its not something you've had to deal with for years.

[unlovedalone]

I'd guess from reading between the lines that he wants to push you into ending it so that he can be the victim. It is he handing out ultimatums even though it is his behaviour which is causing the tension. If you think your marriage is worth saving (though god only knows why) then I would give him a choice. Examine what you want out of the relationship and present it to him. If he laughs in your face as he is doing now, then you have your answer. I have a feeling this will be the end. I also have the feeling that it scares you a lot to make this move. It is understandable, but you are worth more than this guy is prepared to give you. When a man gets married he has to transfer his loyalties to his wife - the marriage will not survive otherwise. I know this. His family have to know and understand this. I dont think they care that he is leaving you out in the cold. Actions speak louder than words. They really do. Everything turns on his reaction to your ultimatum, but ultimately you need to take control of your destiny. You are young and can move on and be happy.

 

PS I just reread your post and noticed that you are living together for the first time. This I think is the key here to his whole attitude towards his marriage. He has gone straight from his family to you and is refusing to relinquish his place in the family home. My statement about him transfering his loyalties is also key. He has to do this and his family have to see him do this because you have little respect in anyone's eyes at the moment. The family are following his lead and seeing you as unimportant. You and he are the unit now and come as a package. You are married, that is what marriage is about. If he refuses to acknowledge this, you need to move on for your own sense of self worth.

[unlovedalone]

Plus...you are letting him get away with it. Why shouldn't he just keep on doing what he is doing? It's working for him

[married2011]

I really appreciate all of the advice and words of wisdom. I often come here to re-read what people have said to me. You are all a great support to me.

 

As time goes on it gets a little easier to imagine leaving, and then it gets scary, then impossible, then easier again.

 

As I had said before I know his email (only thing he does online is make payments and when he does that's when I know he is "home") and checked it when I got home from work. Saw he made a payment 5 minutes prior so I decided to call his parent's house. His dad picked up, he is really nice... thought about bringing up what's going on.. decided not to... It's been so long of this, I just don't know what to say anymore. Also my husband's reaction to his dad taking my call tells me even if his dad said something he wouldn't do it anyway.

 

His dad picked up and said my husband is upstairs and he went to get him. It took a minute or so before I heard voices. Then heard my husband yell at his dad "Don't do it again!" and the phone was hung up.

Apparently his dad taking my call of course blew my husband's cover because he likes to lie and tell me he doesn't get "home" until at least 5:30, even though he really does between 3:45-4:00. I called at about 4:30.

 

He keeps lying, I know he is and I complain... There is nothing here anymore, I think I've finally had it. I'm just so upset because I really believe him, he is really angry at me for complaining about what he is doing. I think he sees it as me complaining, period. And not him lying, me saying I know he is, complaining, etc. He does not see himself as the cause.

 

Then over the weekend his mother called him and told him she made dinner if he wanted to come by. He left within MOMENTS of that phone conversation, leaving me in the dust of course. And I heard the conversation, but he lied saying he had to go there to do something and he "hung out". Once again, I'm not included and not expected to be. I heard her say dinner, he lied and said no he didn't. Then blames me for complaining.

 

A bit unconventional was my mother confronting him, and I told her it was ok to. I felt like it was a last resort... and what would it matter... Well she was very tactful in talking to him, and asked him "Why haven't you moved in?" He said I complain. And her asking him why several times, and him saying "She complains I haven't moved in! But you don't understand!" yet he still doesn't get it. He said it himself- the words came out of his mouth. It just doesn't matter.

He just lets out this stupid smug laugh and a smirk and acts like i'm a terror and that nobody could deal with someone bothering them 24/7 about moving in. I shouldn't have ever had to ask him to... She told him he is trying to use my reaction to what I am reacting to as his reason for not moving in and it makes no sense, I have also said this.

Also it does not matter to him that she said anything, he is in no hurry to prove anything.

 

I honestly feel like if I leave he will find someone else and feel like since it's not me that he won't lie, that he will include them and be good to them and everything will work out. I don't think it's fair. I don't know, I just keep trying to imagine who would be able to stand this. I just love him so much and I am scared also. I hope this was not rambly, I wrote before this but lost the post when I submit it I think because I got logged out when I put my computer on "sleep" so this is a recap. I appreciate you listening...

[Fudgie]

I don't think he will treat anyone else better. Your "husband" (I say with quotes because you guys essentially are not married at all) is a selfish, lying, deceitful, spoiled little BOY who can't let go his MUMMY. He's basically doing everything sort of screwing his precious mummy and if that weren't so taboo, I'm sure he would have done that instead of "bothering" with a wife, someone who he actually has to give a crap about.

 

Your "husband" is selfish and he will pull this crap on ANYONE. Do you really think he'd stop going over to MUMMY dearest if he were with someone else? Why would he stop? He has no reason to.

 

You are definitely the victim here and if weren't you stuck in this horrible situation, it would have been some other poor woman. Please don't take this on yourself.

 

Go get the annulment while you still can.

[Lonewing]

While you are sitting here dealing with this crapshoot, there is a really genuinely good guy out there, somewhere, who's either alone or being rolled over by girls who actually do deserve this clown.

 

Your life is too precious to squander like this.

[abitbroken]

The only way your husband will be happy is if he finds a woman who is willing to move in with his parents or is content with a separate life. That is not you, nor it should be you. I would talk to your pastor/minister as you mentioned him before and ask for advice on proceeding with annulment. I would then before filing for divorce make sure your family photos or sentimental momentos are safe in case he tries to do something weird and take things and also make sure you have a separate bank account that he is not on and cannot touch. Then I would file for divorce for reasons of abandonment.

 

I am definitely not pro-divorce, but if there was anyone who is justified, it is you.

 

In the meantime, I would try the tactic of not calling him at all. I would never have dinner ready for him either.

 

As far as future dating goes, if a nice young man hears that you were married briefly and divorced for reasons of your husband never moving in with you and wishing to remain with his parents, they won't look down on you for it for sure. But plenty of healing comes before then.

 

Also, can you move your personal items into your parents house for the time being?

[Leona700]

All relationships have problems but it sounds like you are in this relationship alone. I think hes not ready to be married or maybe afraid to take on the responsibilities of a mature man. This is not however a good reason to divorce someone you love, however you should sit down with him and talk to him. Say that if nothing else you deserve his HONESTY. That you can handle whatever the truth is but you cannot handle lies. Convince him that he can be honest with you no matter what. When he feels safe enough he will tell you. My only concern would be does he invite you to these dinners? If he doesn't then this is a serious problem. I would be worried. Maybe he wants some room to breath maybe not. No matter what its important that you get the truth otherwise you are only prolonging what will come out anyways. Getting married might also feel like a huge change for him, he might need some time to adjust.

[Leona700]

One more thing dont pressure yourself to make a choice, dont pressure him to move in with you, and dont bother him. Dont do anything. If he doesnt miss you enough to come see you then the answer will come to you. Every person deserves someone that treats them well. That includes you. He needs to own up to whatever it is he feels and say it to you.

[Alpine]

I would be interested to know what your relationship with him was like before you married him. Why did you decide to marry him? What was your relationship like BEFORE you lived together? Have things only started to decline in recent times? Or was there always a niggling feeling of something not being quite right?

 

I think your husband is acting very weird and if I had married and moved in with my husband there is no way I could tolerate that kind of odd behaviour, and not having him even live there properly.

[agent1607307371]

I honestly feel like if I leave he will find someone else and feel like since it's not me that he won't lie, that he will include them and be good to them and everything will work ou

 

While it's possible, I don't think it's probable. He enjoys being the man married to the terror of a wife too much. He'll be this way with anyone. Or, more likely, will just live in a bedroom at his parents house forever.

 

What you are doing is staying in a painful definite so you don't have to worry about it happening again. You'd rather miss out on a good partner in an unknown situation because you are so ued to the one you are in now.

[Moontiger]

I still advice just taking his clothing over to his parents house and then changing the locks on your doors. Why, what WHY are you letting yourself be treated like garbage? You are worth so much more and there is someone out there who will WANT to spend time with you, who you won't have to fight just to have at home. The longer you put off leaving your husband the longer you put off finding happiness.

 

You must accept that there is not happy ending with this man. He doesn't want it. You can't make him want it.

[abitbroken]

Really?!?!

 

Room to breathe? He goes to work and she is not there. He hangs out at his folks and she is not there. He might occasionally come home to crawl into bed and sleep and leave in the morning but that seems like it, if he even comes at night. She is just a conjugal visit to him if she is having sex with him.

 

It is one thing if the relationship was really good for 10 years and this started to happen. Then i'd be totally with you Lester. This marriage didn't even start. Back in the old days, an unconsummated marriage was grounds for annulment/divorce and not considered a marriage. While they may have had sex, this is basically simialr to what this is. Living with your spouse except under the circumstances of waiting for immigration papers, military deployment immediately after the wedding (but then the spouse really is not part of a separate household), etc.

 

If the family was very supportive and encouraging around him and he just had cold feet and they were encouraging him to move in with her, that's one thing. But the family is doing their best also to keep them apart. And if the young couple believed that the families were interfering and kept them out of their disagreements, that would be another thing.

 

All this young lady wants is for her husband to live with her, have dinner at home sometimes and share a life with her. That is not too much to ask. Even husbands who have emotional issues are able to do that or just consider it a given. Otherwise they don't marry.

 

It seems like she has asked him to come home or asked why he doesn't really live thre. She will never get this deep, heartfelt discussion with him. She has stated her beefs.

 

If the family is egging their son on and enabling him by allowing him to hang out there, etc, then her life, if they stay together, is going to be a difficult one.

 

To me the only alternative is divorce or deciding that she will live a totally independent life and forget about him. Not make him dinner. Not have a space in the closet for him. make her own schedule. But that is not marriage. it is just being married in name only. And if she ever gets pregnant she will basically be a single mother.

 

Reverse psychology will work, but I am afraid that if she sort of doesn't give him the time of day and goes to HER parents, he will claim abandonment himself.

[Notagoodninja]

I think that's hilarious in a weird way, lol! Look on the bright side though he's being faithful to you! he's just attached at the hip. Slowly ween him off..start getting involved and stop attacking him. He's not doing anything AGAINST the marriage like being sinful in any sort of way. His parents are at fault they obviously raised him to feel co dependent. Just go have dinner with all of them, heck go crash at his parents with him- get more involved slowly WEEN the guy off but don't forbid him from it or attack him or he will think you're his enemy..

[Moontiger]

I think that's hilarious in a weird way, lol! Look on the bright side though he's being faithful to you! he's just attached at the hip. Slowly ween him off..start getting involved and stop attacking him. He's not doing anything AGAINST the marriage like being sinful in any sort of way. His parents are at fault they obviously raised him to feel co dependent. Just go have dinner with all of them, heck go crash at his parents with him- get more involved slowly WEEN the guy off but don't forbid him from it or attack him or he will think you're his enemy..

 

...really? He is ACTIVELY lying to her about where he is and what he is doing. Is that not him doing something AGAINST the marriage? Also, she hasn't attacked him, she has acted a grown man to GROW UP. He isn't interested in spending anytime with her. Why should she try to make it work when he is putting in zero effort??

[bulletproof]

I think that's hilarious in a weird way, lol! Look on the bright side though he's being faithful to you! he's just attached at the hip. Slowly ween him off..start getting involved and stop attacking him. He's not doing anything AGAINST the marriage like being sinful in any sort of way. His parents are at fault they obviously raised him to feel co dependent. Just go have dinner with all of them, heck go crash at his parents with him- get more involved slowly WEEN the guy off but don't forbid him from it or attack him or he will think you're his enemy..

 

I'm not sure the OP would think that the demise of her marriage and relationship is hilarious in any way, weird or otherwise. His parents may have raised him this way, but at this point it is most certainly his responsibility to change, so it is not their "fault." She should not have to sleep at his parents' house with him- they should be sleeping in their marital home.

[Notagoodninja]

Well maybe when you've been through as much as I have you can see the humor in situations.

[Notagoodninja]

Also what I am saying is coming from experience/

ALL the young married couples I personally know, and I'm talking probably 50 married couples in their 20's have gone through the same thing

Break up- get back together- break up get back together over a million reasons (BUT NOT INFIDELITY!) and they CAN WORK IT OUT and guess what- they HAVE worked it out and that should give this girl hope

Nobody should tell her to leave her marriage over something so crazy, kids in their 20's are still kids they are still growing up and figuring life out and they WILL

Guys in particular take years to mature and become good husbands but the women i know that stuck it out and that kept going back ARE IN GREAT marriages now. even ones where they separated like 6 months

The ONLY time I would encourage a young married couple to divorce is if they CHEATED! OR ABUSE

[Fudgie]

This isn't an on-off thing (and I disagree - not "all couples" go through that. I certainly don't). On-off relationships are for people who either don't know what they want, are drama-prone, or give up easily.

 

Anyway, this guy is lying to her, won't come home to her, won't eat meals with her, and spends ALL OF HIS FREE TIME at his parents' house. He's basically a chronic momma's boy and DOES NOT WANT TO CHANGE. I am not one to take divorce lightly here but this has been going for so long for this poor woman and she has never really been married to him. It's clear he doesn't give a crap about her. This is not about "growing pains", this is not about a man who is struggling to adjust to married life. This is about a BOY, a grown BOY who can't stand to be away from his mommy and has to eat dinner with her ALL THE TIME and sleep over at her house, all while ignoring his wife and lying to her.

 

Any psychologist worth their salt would look at this situation and tell this woman to leave. HE WILL NOT CHANGE BECAUSE HE DOES NOT WANT TO CHANGE.

[Moontiger]

*Standing ovation*

 

Yes, this exactly. Not one couple I know, married or not, have gone through this. Divorce should not be taken lightly. IMO, it is far to easy to get married/divorced in this country.

 

But this is a situation where there really is not a marriage. There is a guy who lives with his parents and shows up every now and then to have sex with the OP. This is a casual relationship if it can be called any kind of relationship.

[Seraphim]

I dunno, I got married in my twenties and I never had an on off relationship and we never broke up got back together broke up got back together and my husband never spent all his time with his mama.

[Lonewing]

*Standing ovation*

 

Yes, this exactly. Not one couple I know, married or not, have gone through this. Divorce should not be taken lightly. IMO, it is far to easy to get married/divorced in this country.

 

But this is a situation where there really is not a marriage. There is a guy who lives with his parents and shows up every now and then to have sex with the OP. This is a casual relationship if it can be called any kind of relationship.

 

But then, Anullment is not Divorce...so it's not even like she'd be getting a divorce, unless it's been that long since they got married.

 

Either way, it's ridiculous. And very unfortunately that she's become this emotionally attached to him. Emotional attachementis important in any relationship, but it's a dangerous thing when it's applied between the wrong people!