Hubby and I, it turns out, don't agree on much regarding our baby.

[OptomisticGirl]

I've come to realize that you'll find something wrong with pretty much everything I say. I get it - you're on my husband's side, because you're a man. That's fine. I'll take your earlier advice into consideration.

 

I'm on your husband's side and I'm a woman.

[Seraphim]

How you both treat each other is independent of her and her personality. I am on your DAUGHTER's side and you both should learn how to communicate before her childhood is a battle ground.

[abitbroken]

I had steamrollers and how I dealt with them is that I gave them a job. It could mean "mom in law it would be a big help if you came over and watched the baby while cleaned" and then when cleaning is over they go or maybe a job could be running to the grocery while you stay with the infant. It would make them feel like they were helping.

 

I agree there is a big difference in someone being eager and someone steamrolling and that whole wedding thing would drive me insane.

 

The funny thing with families like that is that they tell other people the other one is crazy (hubby talking about mom or vice versa) but when someone they consider an outside says the same thing, they go crazy and its the outsider's fault and they are evil. I have been there. it stinks

[penelope13]

I've come to realize that you'll find something wrong with pretty much everything I say. I get it - you're on my husband's side, because you're a man. That's fine. I'll take your earlier advice into consideration.

 

I'm not a man, but I agree with this: it shouldn't be about who is right or who is wrong, but HOW to make it work. In order to accomplish this both of you, your husband and you, need to stop arguing from a personal stand point, but as two halves in a relationship, partnership, as parents, as equals.

 

It should never be a you vs him, it at all it should be the-two-of-you versus the rest of the world.

 

Since you haven't had maybe enough opportunity to create that sense of unity beforehand, now it is of utmost importance in order to find a workable, healthy way of communicating with each other. It's not about you as individuals anymore, now it's about the happiness of your family. In order to create a healthy atmosphere for your daughter to grow up in, you need happy parents.

 

let all the resentment and score keeping go - and start a fresh with the focus on 'how can WE make this work'.

[Seraphim]

I agree 100%. This is about a little baby who needs a happy childhood and parents who get along.

[lavenderdove]

I think there are a couple separate issues here...

 

First, the baby's safety is paramount. The incidents you describe with the MIL are a bit disturbing. 'Forgetting' a child in the car and going in and napping, fainting with a child in her arms, dropping a baby on a driveway, all in my mind shows that the MIL may be having some health issues that might mean she is getting senile or having medical issues that mean she maybe shouldn't be left alone with a child. Children can and do die in cars from overheating (or someone take the baby when they see it in the car unattended), so that is a big problem. And unexplained fainting episodes could be mini-strokes or other health issues which mean she shouldn't at her age be alone with a child.

 

I grew up with a friend who had serious burn scars on the lower half of her body because her grandmother put her in a tub and turned on the hot water without the cold and left the room and forget about the baby for a while and she got scalded in the hot water. Anyone who shows signs of senility or medical fainting/passing out should not be a child's sole caretaker.

 

But on the other hand, a good marriage is made of compromise. You really have two issues, the first being the safety of the baby (which is easy enough to address) and the second being who will 'control' the baby rather than share the baby.

 

On the safety issue, you just have to stick to your guns and say there have been enough incidents where Granny has forgotten or passed out or lost track of babies such that you think it is unwise to just leave the child with her alone. But Granny should also be able to see the baby and spend time with her. So you could tell your husband that you are fine with Granny coming over a few times and week and spending time with the baby while you are in the house, but not every day and not full days because that is too tiring/demanding of you. And that you do not want to ever leave the baby alone with someone who 'forgets' and passes out. Just not wise from any perspective.

 

Some families are very enmeshed where it is expected they will spend most of their time together, and others are more independent where visits are more formal etc. So it sounds like you and your husband aren't too compatible on that issue. So you need to negotiate. He needs to respect that you want private time in your own house with him and the baby without his parents around, and you need to respect that Granny should be allowed to see the child a bit more than you are happy with, but definitely not alone due to the safety concerns.

 

That old expression Marry in haste, repent in leisure seems to apply here. Perhaps you and your husband really aren't as compatible as you hoped, but keep in mind if he gets angry and divorces, that he will be able to take the child at least every other weekend and on vacations, and i can guarantee he'll take the child and drop her off at the grandparents! So it might be in your own interest to try to work this out until the child is old enough to be able to call you should Granny pass out etc. During that time you can decide whether this marriage can make it or not.

 

I'd try to compromise and have them drop by for a couple hours say 3 times a week and let Granny fuss over the baby for those visits without you feeling you need to hold or dominate the baby during that time. And don't get into arguments about leaving the baby with your mother but not his, because that is a bit insulting/provocative from the standpoint that it is his mother you are talking about. Try to argue the logic of the accidents that have happened that would mean it may not be wise to leave Granny alone with the baby, but don't try to prevent Granny from having access to the baby as long as it is safe with others around.

[DN]

I've come to realize that you'll find something wrong with pretty much everything I say. I get it - you're on my husband's side, because you're a man. That's fine. I'll take your earlier advice into consideration.

At the moment that is because I think you are wrong not because I am a man. I have two daughters both of whom are married and the eldest has two daughters of her own. When my daughters were born I had a mother-in-law and a mother and a sister-in-law who would sometimes babysit, so I do know something of which I speak from first hand experience with my own daughters and helping and observing my daughter with her kids. And what I have learned through all this experience, plus with conversations with other parents, grandparents and in-laws of all descriptions is that if you have one parent dictating matters it will cause more dissension that you will want to handle. Things can turn very nasty very quickly and unless you are prepared to be conciliatory and less dictatorial you will find yourself in distress - and your daughter will grow up even more distressed.

 

You have a choice here - you can make this a war with your husband and mother-in-law and even with me and with 'men' in general if they disagree with your stance. But I suggest that won't serve you or the baby.

 

You might want to at least listen to people with some experience other than your mother.

[pippy longstocking]

I can't be bothered to read it all , so I hope I got the general flow of the topic ..ignore me if not

 

I wouldn't have let my daughter go to the m.i.l. either .....infact she never went to anyone

 

and I think that is the compromise ...if hubby's mum can't have her ...then neither can your mum ...

[redrose85]

You married him, you married his family. It’s easy for two people to get pregnant and elope, not so easy to make a marriage, or relationship work. Stop battling over your sweet baby girl. Explain calmly to your husband why you are concerned, and take the whole “I’ve known my mother longer” argument out of the picture. That is just absolutely ridiculous. Of COURSE you have. Now you get a chance to get to know a new set of parents and to let your daughter be surrounded by people that love her and you need to trust that your husband and his parents (now your parents too) only want the very best for her.

[chickydoodle]

The point is OP has tried to communicate with her husband with the right approach ( as she has described) but with difficulty as he seems to dismiss everything she says as f...ng insane.

Combined with the fact that he wont agree to counselling makes it even more difficult for her.

I think the posts describing small steps and small amounts of time with the GM helping out while OP does other things in house - are good ( altho 3 x times p.w. sounds alot )but the situation regarding communicating with hubby is easier said than done.

[Pinnacle]

I've come to realize that you'll find something wrong with pretty much everything I say. I get it - you're on my husband's side, because you're a man. That's fine. I'll take your earlier advice into consideration.

 

Oh boy...

 

Quality shaming tactic here, discounting the experience and wisdom of a person just because of his gender. Discounting the logic behind his thought process over your own personal beliefs that basically...you are implicitly saying you think you husband's mother is incapable of being a proper guardian.

 

You know what your mother-in-laws problem is? She actually loves her grandchild enough to want to spend A LOT of time with. I wish I had that luxury growing up, considering my dad's parents died before I was ever born and my mother's parents died when I was a teenager. Rue the day when a family member wants to spend time with actual family.

 

DN, if you change your gender to "female" she might be more willing to listen. Girls rule, boys drool and all that good stuff.

 

The solution to your problem is very simple. What does your CHILD want? And you'll know, because body language is a hell of a thing. If your child enjoys spending time with your mother-in-law, nothing should prevent you from stopping that.

 

Also, I'm worried you will end up stunting the development of your own child. No overnighters until he is three? You do know babies are capable of developing socialization skills at really young ages? To me, you seem overbearing...and I despised my mother for being overbearing to the max when I was growing up. Let go, it will be in everyone's best interest.

 

One last thing, you should get together with your husband, his parents, and your parents...at straiten it ALL out that way. Put it all out into the open. If you are willing to tell your husband that his mother should not be able to take care of the child...you could at least have the decency to tell her yourself.

[agent1607307371]

I think the MIL's behaviour is a problem, but what is also a problem is the fact that you have not had a long time to get to know and get used to them and come to feel that they are part of your family. And no one wants to leave their baby with a stranger, especially not one you have heard such terrible child minding stories about.

 

And you and your husband, maybe if you had not got pregnant, might not have got married at all.

 

You are both dealing with your first child and haven't had time to really begin functioning as a team apart from your familes.

 

And now you are both feeling as though you have to be right, and that if the other person doesn't share what you want, they are an enemy to your family.

 

I wouldn't leave my baby at 7 weeks, but you have to stop looking at is as your Mum has precedence over his Mum. They are both the grandparents equally. Or do you worry that if you don't stand up for your Mum on this that his Mum will pull the same thing as with the wedding and shower and your Mum will end up being pushed out?

[Seraphim]

The point is OP has tried to communicate with her husband with the right approach ( as she has described) but with difficulty as he seems to dismiss everything she says as f...ng insane.

Combined with the fact that he wont agree to counselling makes it even more difficult for her.

I think the posts describing small steps and small amounts of time with the GM helping out while OP does other things in house - are good ( altho 3 x times p.w. sounds alot )but the situation regarding communicating with hubby is easier said than done.

 

Saying MY mother can babysit and your mother can't is not a correct approach though. That makes HER family better than his. This is not a competition but a family. Yes, he is not acting properly and yes the MIL probably should not babysit alone because those accidents are scary. No one is RIGHT, here though. The problem is they can not communicate and both people want to be RIGHT rather than work on it together.

[OptomisticGirl]

The point is OP has tried to communicate with her husband with the right approach ( as she has described) but with difficulty as he seems to dismiss everything she says as f...ng insane.

Combined with the fact that he wont agree to counselling makes it even more difficult for her.

I think the posts describing small steps and small amounts of time with the GM helping out while OP does other things in house - are good ( altho 3 x times p.w. sounds alot )but the situation regarding communicating with hubby is easier said than done.

 

Healthy communication isn't a science - you shut up and actually LISTEN to the other person and compromise, not use tactics such as 'my mother is better than your mother'.

[Saffron_]

I am very surprised by the number of responses that are still accusing me of being so unreasonable. Don't get me wrong - I want to hear it all. I do get the impression though that some of my later posts aren't being read very thoroughly.

 

How do I compromise here? DN, if I'm being so ridiculous then give me some ADVICE instead of repeatedly telling me how wrong I am. I get it - you think I'm wrong. If you want to help out then tell me what YOU would do if you were ME.

 

I too am surprised at the number of negative responses. Truthfully I can see right and wrong on both sides. First of all, it's not unreasonable that straight afer the birth you should have been allowed the time you requested to rest and be alone. Just you, husband and baby. You mentioned that you tore and haemoraged but even without that, birth can be quite traumatic and exhausting and if you'd wanted some time alone, some peace to recover, you should have been given that. I do believe in that instance, what you want should have come first. Also on the subject of you not wanting the baby to be left overnight with anyone at this stage, that too is totally resonable. Lots of mothers don't want to leave their babies with anyone for those first few months. Especially overnight. This is not about husband versus wife or wife versus mother in law, it's about that natural strong urge a mother has to protect her newborn, especially right at the start. It's about the uncertainty and the natural worry that something might go wrong. That seems to be what the OP is expressing. it certainly wouldn't be the first time a new mother has felt that. On those points OP, I think you're right and I'm on your side.

 

However, I agree with what others have said about her not just being your child and just as you've known your mum all your life, he's know his mum all of his. One doesn't trump the other.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wanted some alone time with him and our baby after her birth. I didn't get it because his entire family came into the room. His young niece and nephew were the first two people to hold her - something else I was funny about. Then everyone played Pass the Baby for an hour. The next morning he told me his mom was coming back and bringing the niece and nephew. How about asking your wife, who just gave birth and tore and hemorrhaged, how she feels about visitors? He got mad when I told him to call back and tell his mom I needed a nap. Then his dad showed up unannounced, even though he knew I wasn't feeling well, and acted like a baby after he realized I wasn't happy about it.

 

The real crux of the matter has been lost in the effort to show the OP how unbending and selfish she is being. Read the above....she had JUST given birth...and rather than spending some quality time with her husband and her new baby, and having the rest and relaxation she needs after giving birth, her room has become Grand Central Station so that everyone, including neices and nephews can hold the baby. Where was her say in the matter? SHE is the one who just had her body ripped apart to give birth, SHE is the one who was exhausted from the struggle and the pain, why should ANYONE except her and her husband have first dibs on holding the baby! Her needs didn't factor into the equation at all and if she DARED speak up she was treated like SHE was in the wrong. What happened at the birth has set the tone for how her husband and family has behaved. She is a human being, not simply a baby factory and her husband was way out of line allowing neices and nephews running into the room like that. His wife's well-being should have been his priorty, not visiting hours.

[DN]

Lots of mothers don't want to leave their babies with anyone for those first few months.

Then they are not being wise. In the first place, parents need a break even if just a day or two. In the second, it is important that babies learn to interact and have fairly extended periods of time with other carers so that they get used to being fed, changed and bathed by others. This is an important part of their social development.

 

As for the families being involved - be grateful for that rather than resentful. Parents get plenty of alone time and soon begin to long for someone else to take the load for a while. There are few things more sad than families with no extended family to help.

 

There is something else to learn here - all the issues that people get so concerned about with babies tend to become much less imperative when siblings begin to appear.

[Batya33]

Healthy communication isn't a science - you shut up and actually LISTEN to the other person and compromise, not use tactics such as 'my mother is better than your mother'.

 

From what I read the husband didn't let her talk or dismissed what she said by cursing at her and calling her insane. So there are communication issues on both sides. What you wrote as a solution of course makes sense but I found in my marriage we had to relearn and learn how to communicate better once we became parents and that was in part because of how sensitive we both were about certain grandparent/in law issues -and we adore our inlaws and the feelings are mutual - and it's still hard and requires adjustments.

[Saffron_]

Then they are not being wise

 

Could not disagree with this more. We're not talking about not letting anyone else see the baby DN, we're talking about the baby being left alone with other people when it makes the mother uncomfortable. Perhaps in all my experience of early years childcare I've just come accross strange women but I think it's unlikely because this type of feeling was overwhelmingly common in first time new mothers and I feel you're being harsh and completely unsympathetic to the OP.

[OptomisticGirl]

From what I read the husband didn't let her talk or dismissed what she said by cursing at her and calling her insane. So there are communication issues on both sides. What you wrote as a solution of course makes sense but I found in my marriage we had to relearn and learn how to communicate better once we became parents and that was in part because of how sensitive we both were about certain grandparent/in law issues -and we adore our inlaws and the feelings are mutual - and it's still hard and requires adjustments.

 

I'd call my husband insane too if he told me his mother was more qualified to watch our child than my mother! I agree iwth CAD, she should have gotten the request at bith that they have alone time but that doesn't give her the right to use it as a 'well, I didn't get this so you don't get this' tactic. I agree though, there are HUGE communication break downs on both sides here. I'm not saying how the husband is handling this is right but she isn't handling it healthy either.

[Saffron_]

Absolutely agree with this.

[DN]

Then they are not being wise

 

Could not disagree with this more. We're not talking about not letting anyone else see the baby DN, we're talking about the baby being left alone with other people when it makes the mother uncomfortable. Perhaps in all my experience of early years childcare I've just come accross strange women but I think it's unlikely because this type of feeling was overwhelmingly common in first time new mothers and I feel you're being harsh and completely unsympathetic to the OP.

Well, that is because what the mother wants is not the only imperative. It is what is good for the baby and the family as a whole. This isn't just about mother - it's about the baby, the father and other family members who want to love and be a part of the baby's life. It's not good to be selfish about these things and assume that the mother is the only one who matters.

[Saffron_]

It's not selfishness at all DN.

 

*sigh*

 

New mothers often don't want to leave their babies alone with others because they have a strong primative instinct not to be apart from them. This is not about being greedy or selfish.

 

In fact I think you'd find that a high proportion of new mother would not be happy to leave their 7 week old babies alone overnight with anybody, sometimes not even a parent. But maybe you should tell all those mothers that they're wrong and selfish.

[OptomisticGirl]

It's not selfishness at all DN.

 

*sigh*

 

New mothers often don't want to leave their babies alone with others because they have a strong primative instinct not to be apart from them. This is not about being greedy or selfish.

 

That alone, no, it's not being greedy or selfish as it is a very common emotion. What makes it greedy and selfish is when a woman in that position goes 'my mother is better than yours because I've known her MY whole life'. The first part is a natural feeling, the second is just utter rubbish.

[journeynow]

Talk with your husband about his grandparents and what role they played in his life. Get behind this situation a bit, learn why he feels so strongly. Listen a lot. Listen more. Let him be heard (since that's what you have the most control over, your ability to listen.) Letting him talk about memories and his growing up might dispel some of the conflict and emotion. Ask questions, be curious. Don't make him defend anything. It's hard to listen fully when you yourself feel unheard, but listening fully is a good path TO being heard yourself.

 

Talk to his mother about her experience as a first time mother, did she have any help, was family around, did she have time alone with the baby, was she anxious. I like the idea of asking her if she could come be with the baby while you take a nap or clean the house and make dinner, then invite her to join you for dinner. Maybe make it a weekly thing so she knows she'll have that opportunity. Make her role special, help her feel special, in a such a way that you work together to create a great life for your baby. Thank her for wanting to be involved.

 

Do the same with your mother.

 

I certainly understand being anxious with a newborn. I'd also be extra anxious if she'd dropped babies several times, lost control of a stroller, forgot a baby in a car. It doesn't mean she can't develop a relationship with your baby, but it may mean you develop a relationship with your mother-in-law while she bonds with the baby. Be nearby, take walks together, run errands together. Let her be an extra pair of hands. Have her come to your home and eventually have her babysit in your home. If she wants to do an overnight, do it in your home the first year or two or three.

 

Do the same with your mother, at first. Your husband will better get to know your mother and her strengths, and you will better get to know his mother and her strengths.

 

You are all family, and always will be. Good luck.