Hubby and I, it turns out, don't agree on much regarding our baby.

[Seraphim]

Thank you. My husband is like this in all aspects of our relationship. As I said, I have tried to talk about these concerns calmly and without insulting his parents. He refuses to hear me out. So it makes it hard for me to continue to see his point of view though I know she's also his baby. I guess that's why so many posters think I'm being a jerk? I kind of am, but I'm so tired of him not listening to me.

 

If this is how he handles everything then maybe you both need some counseling together to learn how to communicate better.You are both pushing each others buttons.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Thank you. My husband is like this in all aspects of our relationship. As I said, I have tried to talk about these concerns calmly and without insulting his parents. He refuses to hear me out. So it makes it hard for me to continue to see his point of view though I know she's also his baby. I guess that's why so many posters think I'm being a jerk? I kind of am, but I'm so tired of him not listening to me.

 

Yes, judging from the way he has been reacting with this I suspected that he has a dominant personality with other things as well. When someone is not listening to you it does indeed set up a knee jerk reaction like you have. I think what I find appalling is that he simply allowed the neices etc to come hold the baby without taking into account your needs and feelings. After birth the mother needs some alone time and not have all the extended family wandering in and out like that. He does not seem to be considering your needs and your rights to private time to relax, and bond with your baby. It seems to be everyone else's baby but yours! Sadly I think the real problem is not just which grandparent has the baby, but how domineering your husband is and his unwillingness to listen to you and your needs. This situation is just the tip of the iceberg on what you can expect from him as you both parent this child. I suspect you rushed into this too quickly without getting a better handle on his personality and figuring out if you can be with someone like this. First and foremost the safety of your child is important. His parents should be allowed to be with the child but clearly if there have been safety issues, they should not be alone with your child. That is just the harsh reality of getting older. Not all 80 year olds are the same, not all 70 year olds are the same. I know of people in their 80's who are fully functional and active while others in their 70's have illnesses which make them less mobile or less able to take care of others. It is not an insult to getting older, it is simply life that some people have more health issues than others.

[wonderwoman76]

The thing is did you compromise with him before or after you insulted his mother's capabilities? I would not be so happy to compromise after I was told my mother was really bad at mothering.

 

Believe me I DO understand, my son is 14 so I have been dealing with my husband's parents who I disagree with intensely in a lot of cases about child care for 14 years. And yes sometimes my husband has been SUPER mad and why shouldn't he? His parents raised him and he is still living. ( I have been dealing with his parents who I feel are loopy for the last 23 years. Believe me I feel your pain) Fighting with your husband won't help this though.

 

Well, I never said she was a bad mom. I said the incidents I listed above concerned me a lot, that I didn't feel comfy leaving the baby alone with her - especially while still an infant. I said maybe she (mother in law) can come by and sit with the baby while I do household chores etc. As for overnights, there is no need for a baby to spend the night away from his or her parents except under certain circumstances (business trip or something unforeseen, where there's maybe only one parent or both HAVE to leave and cannot take baby along). I don't see the point when she won't be able to appreciate what a "sleepover" is.

 

So my compromise was mother in law "watching" baby at our house while I clean etc, and that wasn't good enough for him. He tells me how "insane" my concerns are.

[Batya33]

When our child was first born (and we'd only been married a few months) we did have to adjust and work out certain issues. We never did the "pass the baby" thing -and I did the "our doctor said we couldn't" to make sure it didn't happen (which was basically true but a more polite way of saying no or hurting feelings). Our parents were not able to babysit because of health issues but no I didn't differentiate between my parents and inlaws because I also don't differentiate between mother and father with a few exceptions. Since I had just had major surgery and had a baby then, yes, my medical condition meant a difference in treatment as far as my need to sleep/rest/heal - and other limitations like lifting heavy items -so yes I believed I was entitled to the same treatment anyone who just had major surgery would have in a couple. There weren't any issues there in the least. But once I healed then, no.

 

I think you two do need a mediator or counselor or trusted friend to work out conflicts but unfortunately you don't get veto power over babysitting - you can voice your opinion and see if you can reach a compromise (like, no overnights until she's 18 months old but until then your mother in law can have her for an evening so you two can go out for dinner and then see how it goes).

 

I didn't feel comfortable having sitters - my husband would have felt more comfortable but went along with my comfort level. On other things I had to "give in". It's hard but it's really important now to learn how to resolve differences -they won't stop just because the baby is a toddler and then in school, etc- from what I've heard -I'm sure there will be at least some disagreements so if you can figure out how to navigate differences now, all the better. Good luck!

[DN]

I don't see why the husband is accused of being dominant when you are the one saying your Mom gets to babysit first - just because! Seems to me you are at least as intransigent as he is if not more. At least he isn't accusing your mother of anything - he just wants equal treatment.

[SapphireNoir10]

He's not listening to you, and you don't agree with him and he doenst agree with you. The only way to resolve this I can see is that you go to counselling to hear an impartial professional view.

[DN]

Or you could stop being so possessive and realise the baby is not just yours.

[penelope13]

At the moment it sounds as if this more about being right and validated than looking for workable compromises.

 

It's moot to really think about what you should have done before getting married and a baby since the situation is as it is. However since the events tumbled all out of order you should make it a priority to work out those things as soon as possible in the spirit of trying to figure out what is best for EVERYONE, not just from your point of view.

 

Firstly, I think you need to work on your partnership with your husband. You have not had a lot of time with each other yet before the attention shifted to a pregnancy and now onto a newborn baby. Do not make the mistake of mentally, emotionally focusing only on being a mother. Of course the child will require more attention than anyone else - but you have to work extra hard to also build a strong relationship with your husband outside the parent role. Otherwise you'll come up for air in a few months/years from childcare and realize there is no romantic relationship to speak of anymore. You should work with him on developing an 'us-mentality'. In order to accomplish that you need some quality time with him. So having as many family members as possible who are happy and comfortable to take care of your child for a few hours or even a night will be a true blessing.

 

If you are not comfortable with leaving your daughter with his mother - then hire someone to assist her. In this way you can relax about the safety of the child, yet your daughter and her paternal grandmother can bond. Every hour a child can spend with family is precious. My niece and nephew love that so many family members have an active role in their lives and they have been staying with either set of grandparents from nearly day zero.

 

As in regards to your mother. Of course I understand you are more comfortable with the thought of her watching your baby, but don't turn this into a his family versus your family. It's really not beneficial for anyone, least of all the child. Be also prepared that while your mother may have run a daycare and educated you a certain way - with grandchildren it's always different. I know so many people who would have never spoiled their own kids but knew no boundaries with a grandchild.

 

Using your anxiety against you would be as wrong as you using it to get your own way. That is not working out a compromise by claiming 'I am the one with the anxiety thus you have to cater to my fears'.

[wonderwoman76]

You as a mother have no more right to decide what is best for your baby than the baby's father. You are setting yourself up as the only parent who gets to make decisions. That is simply wrong and will cause untold damage to the relationship between your husband and his children and between you, your children and his family.

 

You are choosing to go to war over something where you are wrong.

 

If you push this to the point where he divorces you then you will get to decide everything for the child - when the child is with you. You will have little or no say when the child is with him.

 

You need to become a lot more mature over this issue than you are at the moment.

 

SOMEONE needs to decide what is best, and I guess you haven't paid attention to the post in which I mention the laundry list of things that have caused me to doubt mother in law's abilities. Frankly, it alarms me that my husband is overlooking all those things just to please his mother.

 

So again, am I supposed to ignore that this woman does not pay close enough attention?

[Seraphim]

Well, I never said she was a bad mom. I said the incidents I listed above concerned me a lot, that I didn't feel comfy leaving the baby alone with her - especially while still an infant. I said maybe she (mother in law) can come by and sit with the baby while I do household chores etc. As for overnights, there is no need for a baby to spend the night away from his or her parents except under certain circumstances (business trip or something unforeseen, where there's maybe only one parent or both HAVE to leave and cannot take baby along). I don't see the point when she won't be able to appreciate what a "sleepover" is.

 

So my compromise was mother in law "watching" baby at our house while I clean etc, and that wasn't good enough for him. He tells me how "insane" my concerns are.

 

Don't get me wrong I would be concerned about the accidents, yes, those would concern me greatly too, but I think he feels VERY insulted and you have to recognize he feels that way. I think he too needs to see that you feel overwhelmed by his family always being around when you are a new mother. You are both yapping but no one is listening. Really, more time should have been spent getting to know each other before all this but that is moot now. I would really suggest some counseling together to learn how to be attentive to each other's needs and how to talk to each other without getting each other going.

[OptomisticGirl]

OP, you realize that as a mother yourself you will make mistakes? Simply becuase your her mother doesn't give you a free pass to being a HUMAN. My MOTHER left me in the car when I was about 5 months old (because I was asleep), went into the bank, stood in line for 20 minutes, and never realized she didn't have me until she came back out. MISTAKES HAPPEN no matter your age (my mom was 22 when that happened, btw). I'm an aunt who is virtually raising her nephew and I can't have a billion eyes in my head. He's gotten into stuff, knocked an entire tooth out (root and all!), fell off the bed... kids do this! Before condeming your MIL remember she is elderly. You take her trying to juggle groceries and a baby or her fainting with a baby in her arms as bad but have you stopped and put YOURSELF in that situation? Could YOU juggle an arm load of groceries and a baby? What would you do if your were elderly (or had a medical condition) and just fainted? You don't have a say on when that crap happens.

 

I agree with DN - you are being completely and utterly unfair to your husband in this regard. Yes, you've known your mother your whole life - so? He's known his mother his whole life. Neither of your mothers are more qualified to watch your daughter than the other. Your mother can have the same mistakes happen to her your MIL did.

 

What he did after the birth was a bit weird, but would you rather his parents not care about his child? Could be worse. You keep following this road of 'my mother is better than yours' and you will push them away, along with your husband. Really all of this should have been discussed before marriage.

[OptomisticGirl]

SOMEONE needs to decide what is best, and I guess you haven't paid attention to the post in which I mention the laundry list of things that have caused me to doubt mother in law's abilities. Frankly, it alarms me that my husband is overlooking all those things just to please his mother.

 

So again, am I supposed to ignore that this woman does not pay close enough attention?

 

Do you really think your own mother will have her eyes on your child every second she has her? Good luck with that one.

[wonderwoman76]

Or you could stop being so possessive and realise the baby is not just yours.

 

At no point did I insinuate that. But this being OUR baby still requires compromise and when I try to talk to him about a VALID concern he loses it. And I stop giving a s**t about his wants because he is "my way or the highway' which is ridiculous.

 

Once again my thinking my mom is a safer bet is based on the FACT that his mom has done many things that I consider to be unsafe and unacceptable. I'm not just pulling this stuff out of my butt to make it a competition.

[OptomisticGirl]

At no point did I insinuate that. But this being OUR baby still requires compromise and when I try to talk to him about a VALID concern he loses it. And I stop giving a s**t about his wants because he is "my way or the highway' which is ridiculous.

 

Once again my thinking my mom is a safer bet is based on the FACT that his mom has done many things that I consider to be unsafe and unacceptable. I'm not just pulling this stuff out of my butt to make it a competition.

 

I can understand why he loses it - you want listen to him about his mother and have already made your mind up about her. Why would he listen to your concerns when you won't listen to his? there are serious communication break downs in this marrige....

[Seraphim]

Why not go to counseling and learn how to talk to each other? If you don't you will have your whole lives like this, that is not good for your daughter either.

[DN]

As you gain experience as a mother you will realise that you too will make mistakes and do things that other people would consider dangerous. And when you do you had better hope that no one holds those things against you.

 

What bothers me most is your superior 'mother knows best' attitude as if your husband has no say or no right to an opinion.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is a huge difference between oversights of a younger woman and what happens with an 80 year old. Cognitive function, reaction time, health issues, mobility issues all play a factor in the elderly. There is just no comparison. Also, many elderly people still view themselves as young and able like when they were 20 years younger. They can be very stubborn, insisting they are just as capable when they are not. That is why elderly people need to be tested before having their driver's license renewed..because many assume they can still drive when they can't. It takes more to driving than just wanting to drive and steering a wheel. There is reflexes, reaction time, vision issue etc. Same with taking care of a child.

[Seraphim]

As you gain experience as a mother you will realise that you too will make mistakes and do things that other people would consider dangerous. And when you do you had better hope that no one holds those things against you.

 

What bothers me most is your superior 'mother knows best' attitude as if your husband has no say or no right to an opinion.

 

I agree. EVERY parent makes mistakes that could be and are dangerous. EVERY single parent. I know I have and I am a pretty good and superbly attentive mother and it HAS happened. There have been people who have "tutted" me too because they feel they know better. Parents and grandparents will make mistakes. If you think about it and ask your mother I am sure she has as well.

[wonderwoman76]

Do you really think your own mother will have her eyes on your child every second she has her? Good luck with that one.

 

There's not keeping your eyes on them every second and then there's repeated incidents which result in injuries. And sorry, but leaving a baby in the car for ANY reason is just wrong. Even if it's for just a minute.

 

I am very surprised by the number of responses that are still accusing me of being so unreasonable. Don't get me wrong - I want to hear it all. I do get the impression though that some of my later posts aren't being read very thoroughly.

 

How do I compromise here? DN, if I'm being so ridiculous then give me some ADVICE instead of repeatedly telling me how wrong I am. I get it - you think I'm wrong. If you want to help out then tell me what YOU would do if you were ME.

[OptomisticGirl]

There is a huge difference between oversights of a younger woman and what happens with an 80 year old. Cognitive function, reaction time, health issues, mobility issues all play a factor in the elderly. There is just no comparison. Also, many elderly people still view themselves as young and able like when they were 20 years younger. They can be very stubborn, insisting they are just as capable when they are not. That is why elderly people need to be tested before having their driver's license renewed..because many assume they can still drive when they can't. It takes more to driving than just wanting to drive and steering a wheel. There is reflexes, reaction time, vision issue etc. Same with taking care of a child.

 

It also doesn't mean simply because she's elderly and has had things happen that she's automatically BANNED from watching her grandchild vs. the younger grandmother. I'm sorry but I've seen young mothers drop their kids, accidentlly ang their heads into walls... kids accidents aren't limited to just the elderly. Sure, the elderly have a few more high risk but as DN said, I hope the OP remembers this when SHE is an elderly grandmother and her in-law doesn't want her baby sitting becuase 'she's too old to have good reaction time'.

[wonderwoman76]

Thank you. I'm calling a counselor Monday morning.

[OptomisticGirl]

There's not keeping your eyes on them every second and then there's repeated incidents which result in injuries. And sorry, but leaving a baby in the car for ANY reason is just wrong. Even if it's for just a minute.

 

I am very surprised by the number of responses that are still accusing me of being so unreasonable. Don't get me wrong - I want to hear it all. I do get the impression though that some of my later posts aren't being read very thoroughly.

 

How do I compromise here? DN, if I'm being so ridiculous then give me some ADVICE instead of repeatedly telling me how wrong I am. I get it - you think I'm wrong. If you want to help out then tell me what YOU would do if you were ME.

 

The point you are missing OP is CRAP happens. Every adult in this thread will agree with you that leaving a child in a car for a minute alone is wrong - but it happens. It happesn to the most digilent of parents and this is what you seem to be turning a blind eye to. You may not leave your daughter in the car unattended but you WILL do something that will cause another parent to raise their eye brown at you because 'oh, I would NEVER do that with little Suzy!'. Do you know 23 years later my mother STILL beats herself up for leaving me in the car for 20 minutes? I don't remember! I was asleep!

 

OP if I were you, you've got to show your husband you trust his judgment. You have to realize mistakes will happen with everyone, not just her. Have a bloody talk with her about your fears and how to take them away.

[wonderwoman76]

It also doesn't mean simply because she's elderly and has had things happen that she's automatically BANNED from watching her grandchild vs. the younger grandmother. I'm sorry but I've seen young mothers drop their kids, accidentlly ang their heads into walls... kids accidents aren't limited to just the elderly. Sure, the elderly have a few more high risk but as DN said, I hope the OP remembers this when SHE is an elderly grandmother and her in-law doesn't want her baby sitting becuase 'she's too old to have good reaction time'.

 

If I am lucky enough to live that long and age begins to take those things from me, I would not expect to be allowed to be left alone with an infant "just because" he or she is my grandchild.

[Seraphim]

If I am lucky enough to live that long and age begins to take those things from me, I would not expect to be allowed to be left alone with an infant "just because" he or she is my grandchild.

 

You don't know how you feel then. Seriously you don't.

[OptomisticGirl]

If I am lucky enough to live that long and age begins to take those things from me, I would not expect to be allowed to be left alone with an infant "just because" he or she is my grandchild.

 

Your doing it now with your own mom! My mom is a better mom to watch our child 'just because' I have known her my whole life.

 

My mom said the same thing and when my nephew came along, went bat crap crazy over him.