Hubby and I, it turns out, don't agree on much regarding our baby.

[DN]

It's not selfishness at all DN.

 

*sigh*

 

New mothers often don't want to leave their babies alone with others because they have a strong primative instinct not to be apart from them. This is not about being greedy or selfish.

 

In fact I think you'd find that a high proportion of new mother would not be happy to leave their 7 week old babies alone overnight with anybody, sometimes not even a parent. But maybe you should tell all those mothers that they're wrong and selfish.

If you do any reading of history and societies in the past you will see that that instinct is not so instinctive as you believe. And anything that is not in the best interests of the baby but is done in the perceived best interests of the mother or father is intrinsically selfish.

[Saffron_]

That alone, no, it's not being greedy or selfish as it is a very common emotion. What makes it greedy and selfish is when a woman in that position goes 'my mother is better than yours because I've known her MY whole life'. The first part is a natural feeling, the second is just utter rubbish.

 

 

I agree on the bolded part. Not just emotion though, instinct!

On the second part, I wouldn't call her selfish OG but I do agree she's wrong. I don't think this would be an issue if the OP had known her partner longer before all of this happened. basically she's being asked to hand her baby over to her mother in law (reasonable) who she barely knows. And that's why I think she requested her mother over his. Not right I agree!! But I see why she did it and I think she should be given understanding and more constructive advice rather than what some people here and saying.

[Saffron_]

If you do any reading of history and societies in the past you will see that that instinct is not so instinctive as you believe. And anything that is not in the best interests of the baby but is done in the perceived best interests of the mother or father is intrinsically selfish.

 

I'm sorry but I think what you're saying is absolutley ridiculous. An unhappy mother is a very real concern DN! For the mother, the baby and the family unit as a whole! Her interests as well as the babies are put on high priority for good reason!

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree on the bolded part. Not just emotion though, instinct!

On the second part, I wouldn't call her selfish OG but I do agree she's wrong. I don't think this would be an issue if the OP had known her partner longer before all of this happened. basically she's being asked to hand her baby over to her mother in law (reasonable) who she barely knows. And that's why I think she requested her mother over his. Not right I agree!! But I see why she did it and I don't think she should be given understanding and more constructive advice rather as opposed to what some people here and saying.

 

I don't see it as instinct simply because I have heard many mothers say they were like this with their first child but after the third one, they felt no were near the way they did after the third ones' birth as they did for the first ones. Of even those who only have one child... my uncle's wife was very prottective of their son when he was a baby, by 5 years old he was climbing cabinets and she would look at him and go 'don't fall', she didn't jump up screaming for him to get down. So for me it's not an instinct (instinct for me implies it's a continued feeling/emotion). For me instinct is the ever constant instinct to protect our kids. Generally protecting and being that first time, OVER protecting mother are 2 different things.

 

Sometimes you need harsh advice to see how utterly rubbish an argument is. I love the idea someone gave about inviting the MIL over for dinner and letting her coo over the baby then. Because if the OP stays on this path of 'my mother vs. you rmother' she will alienate her husband's family, which will only hurt her child.

[journeynow]

On a slight tangent, she clearly wants to be involved, your husband has mentioned a few times her age, and it might be good for her to have a safe project to do with the baby. It might be fun for her to record or video herself reading or telling stories to your baby. (No risk of baby dropping or runaway strollers, but you don't have to bring that up.) Those recordings might be cherished by your daughter years from now. (My mother lived long distance and recorded a handful of stories that my kids liked to listen to at bedtime or anytime. It was nice for all of us.) She could also tell stories about her life, which is a wonderful legacy for all of the family.

[Seraphim]

On a slight tangent, she clearly wants to be involved, your husband has mentioned a few times her age, and it might be good for her to have a safe project to do with the baby. It might be fun for her to record or video herself reading or telling stories to your baby. (No risk of baby dropping or runaway strollers, but you don't have to bring that up.) Those recordings might be cherished by your daughter years from now. (My mother lived long distance and recorded a handful of stories that my kids liked to listen to at bedtime or anytime. It was nice for all of us.) She could also tell stories about her life, which is a wonderful legacy for all of the family.

 

What a beautiful suggestion. Yes. I wish I had those of my grandparents. Or just give ideas of positive things and not talk about who is bad and has problems and accidents and who is a better mother. All of which are non productive. Find positive things she can do with the baby that leave little chance for accidents.

[OptomisticGirl]

On a slight tangent, she clearly wants to be involved, your husband has mentioned a few times her age, and it might be good for her to have a safe project to do with the baby. It might be fun for her to record or video herself reading or telling stories to your baby. (No risk of baby dropping or runaway strollers, but you don't have to bring that up.) Those recordings might be cherished by your daughter years from now. (My mother lived long distance and recorded a handful of stories that my kids liked to listen to at bedtime or anytime. It was nice for all of us.) She could also tell stories about her life, which is a wonderful legacy for all of the family.

 

I'm moving 4,000 miles away from my mom this year - love this idea for our future kids!

[Saffron_]

I bolded the parts which I feel illustrate my point. Also, we're talking about a first time mother and a 7 week old here!

[annie24]

Yeah, I think all first time mothers are very over-protective with their first kid and then that goes away with each subsequent child. I heard a joke once, something along the lines of a mother with her first kid, if the pacifier drops on the floor, she washes it, boils it, sterilizes it, washes it again, etc.... A mother with her second kid, the pacifier drops on the ground, she blows off the dirt and sticks it back in the kid's mouth.

 

I do think that having the whole family come in so soon after labor was kind of overwhelming. I thought nurses give the newborn to the mother right away to hold?? Most hospitals that I know of have a "birthing plan" where they ask you who do you want during the delivery and afterward. Did you guys not talk about that in advance?

[OptomisticGirl]

I bolded the parts which I feel illustrate my point. Also, we're talking about a first time mother and a 7 week old here!

 

Yes, we are. The point I was making was this is not an instinct that STAYS. It either dissapears as the child gets older (as in the case with my uncle's wife who only has one child) or the more children you have. All first time mothers are over protective - but that doesn't always make their decisions RIGHT.

[OptomisticGirl]

 

I do think that having the whole family come in so soon after labor was kind of overwhelming. I thought nurses give the newborn to the mother right away to hold?? Most hospitals that I know of have a "birthing plan" where they ask you who do you want during the delivery and afterward. Did you guys not talk about that in advance?

 

I agree, this is something that def. should have been talked about in advanced and is a subject my husband and I touched within 4 months of being together.

[Seraphim]

Yes, we are. The point I was making was this is not an instinct that STAYS. It either dissapears as the child gets older (as in the case with my uncle's wife who only has one child) or the more children you have. All first time mothers are over protective - but that doesn't always make their decisions RIGHT.

 

My brother's wife did not allow ANY of us at the hospital when their first child was born. Did not allow us near their house the first week after the other kids were born. With their first child we were not even allowed to even HOLD her for the first year, we might breath on her funny, we might give her a cold, we might give her germs, etc etc.....my mother was not allowed to baby sit ANY of them until they were two years old. Her mother was. HER mother and sister were over there like a dirty shirt. We were almost totally excluded. My mom is an excellent mother and even a foster parent and we were still excluded. I know this hurt my mother A LOT. They are HER grand daughters too. There is being protective, one has to have some of that and yes it gets less or changes as they get older and as more kids show up as OG said and the mother gets more experience. One of my aunts had 5 kids. The first one she was protective. By number 3 she was eh.........as long as there is not tons of blood it's all good.

 

He is not acting right and his family is being too overwhelming but she can not play the my family is better than yours game either. Everyone is getting hurt here.

[OptomisticGirl]

Wow... see, that's just bollocks to me! I would have no problem with our family visiting for a short after after the birth and I think L doesn't want any visitors for a week after we come home.

[Saffron_]

Yes, we are. The point I was making was this is not an instinct that STAYS. It either dissapears as the child gets older (as in the case with my uncle's wife who only has one child) or the more children you have. All first time mothers are over protective - but that doesn't always make their decisions RIGHT.

 

The instinct's there for a reason (luckily for our species) and yes it does wear off or at least change as time goes by. But it wears off gradually. I'll also add that women often (and this is just personal experience) go a bit nuts in those first few weeks and months. Not saying the OP is nuts obviously Lol! But have you ever observed in a nature documentary how a mother responds to any percieved threat to her offspring? Humans are't so different and right now the OP appears to me to be reacting against what she percieves as a potentially dangerous situation to her infant. It may be a misguided threat but I truly don't believe it's coming from selfishness.

 

Better communication is really needed here and a lot of compromise. If it was me, I'd perhaps start with MIL being allowed to watch baby for a couple of hours during the day, maybe whilst I went out for coffee. Then moving up to a few hours. But I personally wouldn't want to leave a baby overnight with anybody else when it was younger than 6 months because of the risk of cot death. That would be my biggest worry.

[Saffron_]

 

He is not acting right and his family is being too overwhelming but she can not play the my family is better than yours game either. Everyone is getting hurt here.

 

Overwhelming is most certainly the word. But yes this is right.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree with you, but to a degree. Her instinct to protect her child is not wrong at all - what IS wrong is she's turning that instinct (and to me this is where it becomes selfish) into 'my mother is better than your mother' because she percieves this threat rather than work at calming that threat by having the MIL over and letting her baby sit so she can get household stuff done.

 

For me (and what experience I have had with baby sitting babies and being an aunt twice) it varies from parent to parent. IF she isn't comfortable with the child being over night then her husband needs to respect that - but as another poster said, it does help not only with the child's development but at some point, as a parent, you need a break and to start that difficult separation anxiety. We've had my nephew stay over with us since he was 3 months old, my best friend never allowed my niece to stay over with anyone until she was over 5 months I believe.

[wonderwoman76]

Ok, so I had to step away for a bit to tend to the baby. I happened to mention to my husband that I had posted on here and was about to say, "I got some good responses, maybe we can talk about this after you get back home?". (He has plans with "the guys" today.)

 

Anyone wanna guess what happened?

 

He yelled at me and told me it's - wait for it! - "crazy" that I would solicit advice from people who "don't know us."

 

So yeah. Anyone want to come back with something about how I'm wrong?

 

I feel as though my whole reason for posting here - a communication problem - has been lost in the shuffle and the focus has shifted to what is apparently me trying to have a competition between the grandmothers.

 

I NEVER said that my mom is better than his.

 

What I did say was that because of numerous accidents that his mom has allowed to occur, I have concerns about her being left alone with my baby.

 

My mom has never had accidents like that.

 

Those are FACTS I cannot ignore. This isn't a "mother knows best" thing, and it's not a competition. What matters most to me is what's best for my (ok, OUR, because if I said "my" and "we" lord knows someone will pick up on it and call me selfish) child.

 

The fact that I am still reading posts calling me selfish after I tried to explain that I HAVE TRIED to compromise and am only met with talk of how my mental stability is nonexistent is strange to me. That I'm being told that it's a "my mom is better than yours" thing is even stranger. If I was talking about two women who weren't our mothers, and said that one has had children get hurt while in her care, several times, and the other one hasn't, and i felt better about having the latter watch my baby, would you still think it was a competition between the two? No, I bet everyone would say of course you want to leave your baby with someone who HASN'T done those things. I just happen to be talking about our mothers.

 

Honestly, if my husband felt very strongly about someone NOT babysitting our daughter, and had some valid concerns to back that up, I would listen and out of RESPECT for him as her other parent would NOT do that which made him uncomfortable.

 

So thanks (again) for the replies. I'll be calling a counselor Monday, because we BOTH need to talk to someone, and I don't want my daughter to grow up in an unhealthy environment.

[OptomisticGirl]

How he reacts to asking you advice on the internet doesn't have merit - not everyone is for sharing their business in public - your husband clearly isn't, you are (as is a vast majority of ENA or we wouldn't exist!) My own husband is not comfortable with me talking about certain things on here and I respect that. Again, this is really something you guys should have touched base on early in the relationship, each other's comfort levels on stuff like this.

 

I personally would look at the accidents but then I would also look at the context - your MIL is elderly, I'd be surprised if she could juggle groceries and a baby (I at 23 couldn't do it!) and she fainted one time, I'm not sure how she's suppose to contorl when she faints.

 

It's no a contest of whose mother is better, but even in defending yourself for how you are looking at it, your still painting your MIL in a negative light vs. your mother who has never had an 'accident'. stop! Look at it for what it is - she wants to spend time with your child, work in ways you feel comfortable with her doing it rather than throwing up his mother has had accidents and yours hasn't.

[Saffron_]

it does help not only with the child's development but at some point, as a parent, you need a break and to start that difficult separation anxiety. We've had my nephew stay over with us since he was 3 months old, my best friend never allowed my niece to stay over with anyone until she was over 5 months I believe.

 

Yes it varies from parent to parent. And I wouldn't say your family is wrong in any way. They did what they were comfortable with, but overnight visits actually aren't advised before the age of 6 months a) because of the risk of cot death and b) because it's not percieved to be in the childs best interest. It's recommended that babies eating and sleeping arrangements be kept as stable and familiar as possible. Also, I think that length of time away from their primary caregiver (mother or father) causes them stress. Again, not saying your family are wrong.

[Saffron_]

Not everyone thinks you're selfish. I for one DON'T!

 

And yes I think some of the responses here have been harsh and unfair.

 

I'm sorry you were met with that response

 

Let's hope certain people here never become post natal health visitors!

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes it varies from parent to parent. And I wouldn't say your family is wrong in any way. They did what they were comfortable with, but overnight visits actually aren't advised before the age of 6 months a) because of the risk of cot death and b) because it's not percieved to be in the childs best interest. It's recommended that babies eating and sleeping arrangements be kept as stable and familiar as possible. Also, I think that length of time away from their primary caregiver (mother or father) causes them stress. Again, not saying your family are wrong.

 

My mother and I raise my nephew so yes, it's odd.

[annie24]

He yelled at me and told me it's - wait for it! - "crazy" that I would solicit advice from people who "don't know us."

 

I think it's helpful to sometimes have an outside perspective from people who don't know you and don't have an interest in what happens. Of course, if you talk to your best friend or mom, she will always take your side. but strangers will tell you what we really think. And obviously, we all come from different walks of life, different parts of the world, and i think you see that in the different types of responses. And of course, no one says that you have to take any advice. As he points out, yeah, we don't know you and your situation and we don't live with you, and we don't know you apart from what you've told us. I think it can be eye-opening to hear different points of view.

 

So, yeah, I think a conversation with him would be helpful, I hope we've given you some ideas, maybe ways to talk about things with him. If he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, you can go by yourself.

[chickydoodle]

Not everyone thinks you're selfish. I for one DON'T!

 

And yes I think some of the responses here have been harsh and unfair.

 

I'm sorry you were met with that response

 

Let's hope certain people here never become post natal health visitors!

 

 

Yes I am stunned by some of the responses esp the repeated misquote that you said your mother is better than his mother.......Some people just read what they want to, to fuel their own ego.

[Seraphim]

I don't think you are selfish but I do think you guys can not communicate well together and need some help. I also think you guys got married and had a baby without much thought put into it.

[Stay_home]

I think there needs to be a much better compromise coming from both ends in order for the marriage and parenthood thing to work. God willing, you both have a lot of years ahead of you and with a small child the road is only going to get more bumpy and patchy as you go along. Therefore, it would benefit you both to attend therapy and/or work on your differences as these crucial disagreements which may impact your marriage also. It's not him, nor is it you, but it's you both together. You need to work together.