Found out my "awesome" wife is an awesome liar

[OptomisticGirl]

OK - so having got that out of the way. How do people suggest that he talk to his wife about her behaviour and potential cheating? Or is that unimportant?

 

It's very important. He needs to let her know this behaviour is not right and no matter what he said, how she reacted or is acting is not going to fly with him. It's never what people say to us but it's how we react to that.

[Seraphim]

OK - so having got that out of the way. How do people suggest that he talk to his wife about her behaviour and potential cheating? Or is that unimportant?

 

I already said how.

"I would tell her you do not feel you were over reacting and you feel lied to and you don't feel what she is doing is appropriate and there are other things she could do other than that if she is so bored."

But apparently it is ok to demo your mate's emotions and intimate she is ugly because she had a baby because it is honest.

[OptomisticGirl]

As I said, if she is letting herself go perhaps she does need to get herself in shape. We become mothers but before that we are wives - while a woman's body goes through He'll giving life to this world, doesn't mean she should just let it go and forget she has a husband.

[DN]

It's very important. He needs to let her know this behaviour is not right and no matter what he said, how she reacted or is acting is not going to fly with him. It's never what people say to us but it's how we react to that.

Really? But we have pages of people lambasting him for what he said.

[DN]

I already said how.

"I would tell her you do not feel you were over reacting and you feel lied to and you don't feel what she is doing is appropriate and there are other things she could do other than that if she is so bored."

But apparently it is ok to demo your mate's emotions and intimate she is ugly because she had a baby because it is honest.

But that isn't what he said - why are you misquoting him?

[Seraphim]

As I said, if she is letting herself go perhaps she does need to get herself in shape. We become mothers but before that we are wives - while a woman's body goes through He'll giving life to this world, doesn't mean she should just let it go and forget she has a husband.

 

There is letting yourself go though OG and having a body that is changed by being pregnant. There are some changes that are permanent and that is the way it is that no amount of exercise will change. It is a pity though sometimes people don't know that or expect that.

[Seraphim]

But that isn't what he said - why are you misquoting him?

 

I was quoting myself not him. I am just saying that some people to think it is ok for him to say she is unattractive to him because it is honest without regards to her feelings.

[DN]

See my point? Here we go again - it seems some of you only want to talk about what he said and lambaste him for it and are minimising or ignoring what she did - at most paying scant lip service to it. Over and over again you return to that part of the issue.

 

He was tactless and he gets it in the neck.

 

She acts highly inappropriately with someone outside her marriage and he gets it in the neck.

[Seraphim]

So it is ok then. We DID say what she did was wrong. But you asked us what he should have said putting her issue aside. Then you asked what we would tell him about her actions and I said he should be direct about it and I did not ask him to fluff over it and that she was wrong.

 

Anyway I am done with this cause no matter what I say Iam wrong.

[DN]

But you also reverted to his remarks.

 

If a woman wrote on here saying she told her husband that she found his balding head unattractive and wanted him to do something about it and as a result he was talking with other women and arranging to meet I suspect she would receive a lot more support than VIII is getting.

[marshmlofluff]

Well, no woman is concentrated on her body right after birth - none that I have met! After a feww months sure, she should care. But it sounds like she doesn't. There is a difference in a woman giving birth and trying to get baby weight off and then just going to slop. The fact is yes, we do become mothers, but we are ALSO wives at the end of the day too.

 

Very likely, she got depressed. As a general rule, people don't gain weight in order to become an eyesore to others. They gain weight because they stop caring about themselves. They know they've gained weight, and they hate themselves for it.

 

The problem is that telling that person you find them unattractive is just going to make them more depressed, and then you will end up with a spouse who probably puts on *more* weight--and resents you.

 

OK - so having got that out of the way. How do people suggest that he talk to his wife about her behaviour and potential cheating? Or is that unimportant?

 

"Wife, the messages you were writing to other men were wrong. You and I are married. We took vows; we have a child. The way you are speaking to other men is not appropriate and you know it.

 

 

I haven't been a perfect partner. I am very deeply sorry that I've hurt your feelings with my comments about attraction and I am very grateful to you for all the wonderful things you do. I do love you and appreciate you, and you are my best friend. Our marriage matters to me, and I will work on appreciating you more.

 

 

But no matter what, infidelity is unacceptable and inexcusable. What you are doing is a threat to our marriage and to our family. You need to decide whether you want to stay in this marriage or not. If you want to stay married, you cannot continue these sorts of interactions with other men. And if you don't, then perhaps we should consider a divorce."

[Seraphim]

Well no sorry I would not support a woman for putting down her bald husband, because then I would be against my own husband who is now starting to go bald himself. I do not support over concentration on physical features . I would not support a wife bashing her husband about no hair.

[DN]

Well no sorry I would not support a woman for putting down her bald husband, because then I would be against my own husband who is now starting to go bald himself. I do not support over concentration on physical features but more on other traits so no sorry I would not support a wife bashing her husband about no hair.

Even if it it were affecting her attraction to him? You would just expect her to fake it?

[Seraphim]

Even if it it were affecting her attraction to him? You would just expect her to fake it?

She could say it just like he did right? Everyone should say when their mate grosses them out right? Cause it is honest? I would still say, wow really, after all he gave you in life? I am not against men DN.

[OptomisticGirl]

Marsh - as a 5'4 woman who weighs 210 and it's all in my stomach, I agree. My fiancé loves me at how I look now and he knows I'm not happy with it so he pushes me to go to the gym. Some days it helps, others it completely does not.

[OptomisticGirl]

Really? But we have pages of people lambasting him for what he said.

 

 

No matter what he said, she should not have done what she did. It's like someone who does something and their SO cheats on them. The cheated on person is not to blame for what the cheater did because cheating is a decision. But whatever that cheated on person did, may also not be okay. Two separate issues combined in to one.

 

And I wouldn't support a woman who found a bald man unattractive. L is going bald and it's who he is. You can be too superficial sometimes....

[DN]

This is good stuff although the apology is a little overblown and I recommend VIII say something along those lines.

[Seraphim]

No matter what he said, she should not have done what she did. It's like someone who does something and their SO cheats on them. The cheated on person is not to blame for what the cheater did because cheating is a decision. But whatever that cheated on person did, may also not be okay. Two separate issues combined in to one.

 

And I wouldn't support a woman who found a bald man unattractive. L is going bald and it's who he is. You can be too superficial sometimes....

 

My husband is too. That does not change the person he is. Who he is is who I am attracted to not the hair or lack there of or whatever.

[sophie274]

VIII, how long have you and your wife been together and/or married? How old are you two?

 

When you saw the messages, you called your wife, and she was mad at you for reading them and said that you were overreacting, and that they were innocent? She said she was just curious about how her ex was doing?

 

Just trying to be clear on what happened when you "confronted" her ...

[diamond78]

Wow, this is some great stuff right here. I am going to save this as I have been in a position to need to express something like this before within my relationship.

 

The truth is both parties have behaved a bit badly in ways that can cause damage in their marriage and there needs to be a serious heart to heart hashing out of details here.

[DN]

The truth is both parties have behaved a bit badly in ways that can cause damage in their marriage and there needs to be a serious heart to heart hashing out of details here.

I don't believe that his behaviour is on an equal level with hers at all - I think infidelity is far worse than tactlessness.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't believe that his behaviour is on an equal level with hers at all - I think infidelity is far worse than tactlessness.

 

His behavior isn't on the same level but that doesn't mean it may not have hurt on the same level.

[diamond78]

I don't believe that his behaviour is on an equal level with hers at all - I think infidelity is far worse than tactlessness.

 

 

I don't recall saying anything about their behaviors being equal....?? I distinctly stated that they both have behaved in ways that can cause damage to any relationship as I see the two issues being separate from each other.

 

 

And for me, personally, both their actions would make me contemplate exiting the relationship because:

 

1) I seriously doubt I would be able to continue with someone who told me they didn't find me attractive. I would not be able to feel secure and comfortable with my partner once it has been spoken. Those are words I would not be able to forget.

 

and

 

2) I would be furious if I saw my partner setting up meetups with an Ex (especially an ex who actively tried to break us up). The trust would be broken for me, especially without knowing the true intentions behind it all.

 

 

So to me, both issues are damaging and yet both can be repaired if, and only if, he and his wife are willing to work through it.

[marshmlofluff]

I agree with diamond78. I don't think anyone is suggesting that negative comments regarding one's partner's body are as morally wrong or dangerous as infidelity.

 

Ultimately it is the wife's decision whether she cheats or not, and she is responsible for her decision and the consequences of it.

 

But OP can influence that decision.

 

Because while there are no guarantees in life, the best way to have a happy, strong, and secure relationship is to speak to your partner--and to do your best to see her--in a way that lifts her up, instead of tearing her down.

[truegrit]

I'm having a bit of a problem with all this because the OP is concerned about his wife communicating with men and ex's in an objectable manner. However, most of this thread is concerned with him being honest with her and letting her know he is having some problems with her looks since giving birth.

It seems everyone is convinced her actions with these men are based on his telling her he was a bit upset with her "looks". We are all guessing that her actions are the reasons for her to go over the line with these men. OP also stated that these emails started BEFORE he expressed his opinion on her looks.

 

Until she would use the excuse herself that the only reason she is doing this is because of what he said (which still wouldn't excuse it) I think we need to help the OP with his immediate problem which is this unacceptable communication.

JM2C