Stay_home Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 I didn't say she wasn't attractive. I told her that I wasn't attracted to her physically because of that. It's not that her body is unattractive, it's that with her body the way it is, I'm not comfortable with her wearing crop tops to parties wi me. It's the same as saying that you don't find her attractive. Saying things like that just puts a wall in between you two. Link to comment
DN Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 ^ even if you are right, that still in no way justifies her actions. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Why not? Is it forbidden or something? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 edit......no point. Link to comment
Miss Firecracker Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Also, she's got another message up from a guy she goes to class with saying "so what was your impression of me when we met?..." and then her phone number. .......how the heck am i supposed to look at this? Your wife is dating other men. That's how you look at it. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 ^ even if you are right, that still in no way justifies her actions. It doesn't justify it but it may explain it and give him a starting point when they sit down and talk. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 It doesn't justify it but it may explain it and give him a starting point when they sit down and talk. That is what I was saying too. It gives a starting point. A possible explanation, not a justification. Link to comment
DN Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 I disagree that what he said should be a starting point - that is tantamount to admitting that he did something that sparked all of this off and therefore somehow justifies her actions - an idea that is prevalent on this thread. The starting point should be that her behaviour is completely wrong and there is no justification for it at all. If she can admit to that then they might discuss what he said as a separate issue. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 I agree what she did was wrong DN. And they are separate issues but I know if my husband told me I was no longer attractive to him after having a baby because my tummy was no longer flat I would not be too charmed about him either. I would not have handled it like she has even if it is part of this issue. What he said though was hugely insensitive even if it was "honest". There are better ways to put something. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Just read through this thread and wanted to add my two cents. Both the OP and his wife are in the wrong. Each in a different way and to different degrees. The OP tell his wife she was no longer attractive was just plain wrong to do IMO. If her behavior is a reaction to what he said and how he behaved in regard to her appearance it is completely over-the-top and beyond extreme. She has a reasonable complaint against him but he reaction over shadows that complaint because her actions have been so wrong. It appears to me that there are multiple underlying issues that need to be dealt with in this relationship. A calm, rational discussion needs to happen. Perhaps with a neutral third party (read: therapist) so each can really hear what the other is saying and why they are upset. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 I disagree that what he said should be a starting point - that is tantamount to admitting that he did something that sparked all of this off and therefore somehow justifies her actions - an idea that is prevalent on this thread. The starting point should be that her behaviour is completely wrong and there is no justification for it at all. If she can admit to that then they might discuss what he said as a separate issue. Not what he said but what her actions were. We don't know if what he said sent her off on this - even if it did, that's no justification for what she did. However, it also means he needs to look at how he communicates to her if it really did hurt her that much. What he said isn't the root of the problem but it is one of the branches, possibly. Link to comment
DN Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Leaving aside what she did for a moment (I still maintain it was way more serious) I would like to know how all those people beating up on VIII for the way he approached his issue with his wife would suggest he should have handled it? Everyone seems to think he handled it badly but I have seen no one suggest a better way. I hope no one would suggest that he not be honest about it and that he should have said nothing. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 I agree, what she did is more serious. And no I do not think he should be silent. Honestly I can not tell you how he should approach it. I do not believe there is a good way to say " hey I am not attracted to you since you had a baby". Once that cat is out of the bag it is out and it can go two ways; either she will try and improve or she won't and just be really hurt. I know for me it would take a super long time to get over a blow like that. It would make me bitter to be honest. Going through 9 months of nurturing a baby with my body and giving birth not even a year ago and then be told my "baby belly" makes me unattractive. Yeah, that is not going away fast, the bitter feelings I mean. Link to comment
marshmlofluff Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Leaving aside what she did for a moment (I still maintain it was way more serious) I would like to know how all those people beating up on VIII for the way he approached his issue with his wife would suggest he should have handled it? Everyone seems to think he handled it badly but I have seen no one suggest a better way. I hope no one would suggest that he not be honest about it and that he should have said nothing. Dear Wife, Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for giving your body to pregnancy and going through tremendous pain and inconvenience to give birth to our child. Thank you for being my best friend, and for all the love you have given me, and the time you spend on me. I love you, just the way you are. I notice that with the baby, you are exhausted and no longer have time to spend on yourself. I don't like seeing that. I love you. You must take care of your health, so that you are happy. You must take care of yourself, inside and outside, and not just take care of others. It makes me happy to see you looking good, because I know it makes you feel good. Why don't I take the baby tonight, and you can go get your hair done, and go to the gym? And by the way, the long blue dress you sometimes wear? You look so beautiful and elegant in it. When we walk into a party and you are wearing those lovely floor-length dresses, I can't take my eyes off of you. I love you, always. -Husband Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Well, he said he didnt not find her unattractive, but it was the clothes she wore in her current state he was iffy about. I would advise him to ask her WhY she wants to wear those clothes. I know my comfort underwear aren't the most sexiest but I wear them because they are comfortable and not dental floss up my bum. If L found my comfort underwear unsexy I would like him to ask me why I wear them rather than just saying 'I don't find that attractive on you', I would be more apt to maybe wear sexy underwear more that way. Link to comment
DN Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Yes, very good. Except: honesty factor - very low. At least one lie in there and overall very manipulative. Likelihood of working and getting his point accross - probably zero. Believable factor: probably low but she may be very gullible. Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Well, he said he didnt not find her unattractive, but it was the clothes she wore in her current state he was iffy about. I would advise him to ask her WhY she wants to wear those clothes. I know my comfort underwear aren't the most sexiest but I wear them because they are comfortable and not dental floss up my bum. If L found my comfort underwear unsexy I would like him to ask me why I wear them rather than just saying 'I don't find that attractive on you', I would be more apt to maybe wear sexy underwear more that way. Well he did say he found her baby belly unattractive and in his other thread felt not attracted to her when seeing it sometimes. And he is more than happy to have her wear sexy clothes as long as she does not have "baby belly". Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 So it is best to just blurt it out with no regards to your mates feelings at all, just because it is honest? Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Well he did say he found her baby belly unattractive and in his other thread felt not attracted to her when seeing it sometimes. And he is more than happy to have her wear sexy clothes as long as she does not have "baby belly". I think he said that shows off her baby belly. There if a difference in not finding her attractive at all and not finding small clothes on a bigger body attractive. Link to comment
marshmlofluff Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 I think he said that shows off her baby belly. There if a difference in not finding her attractive at all and not finding small clothes on a bigger body attractive. Actually here's what he says, in his other thread: Here is the issue (And I'm sure this has been asked time and time again): After having our child, she's got the typical stretch marks that most women get and to be completely honest, that doesn't bother me in the least. What does bother me is that she seems not to care at all about her body anymore. She's allowed her stomach to get sloppy (for lack of a better word) and well, the rest of her body has gone right with it. I hate to sound superficial and shallow and I'm sure many of you are thinking just that but as in love with my wife as I am, I think it is a HUGE issue that I'm not attracted to her and even sometimes turned off when she takes her clothes off. Sounds like a more generalized thing than just the baby belly. Link to comment
Moontiger Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 There are multiple ways you can word what you don't find attractive about your SO that will not hurt them in the process. It just difficult for a lot of people to think of away to do that. For example, there is a HUGE difference between saying, "That shirt doesn't look good on you." or "That shirt is to small for you." and saying, "Honey, I don't like that shirt, what about that other shirt, it looks great on you!" In the second case this issues becomes the clothing instead of the body in the clothing. Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Well, no woman is concentrated on her body right after birth - none that I have met! After a feww months sure, she should care. But it sounds like she doesn't. There is a difference in a woman giving birth and trying to get baby weight off and then just going to slop. The fact is yes, we do become mothers, but we are ALSO wives at the end of the day too. Link to comment
DN Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 OK - so having got that out of the way. How do people suggest that he talk to his wife about her behaviour and potential cheating? Or is that unimportant? Link to comment
Seraphim Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 I think he said that shows off her baby belly. There if a difference in not finding her attractive at all and not finding small clothes on a bigger body attractive. I think what he said was she could show it off if there was no baby belly and he found baby belly unattractive. This is what was said in the other thread "She's allowed her stomach to get sloppy (for lack of a better word) and well, the rest of her body has gone right with it. I hate to sound superficial and shallow and I'm sure many of you are thinking just that but as in love with my wife as I am, I think it is a HUGE issue that I'm not attracted to her and even sometimes turned off when she takes her clothes off." even though I may not be attracted to her physically... or at least body-wise, she is still beautiful and i make it a point to tell her everyday. I just really don't want to tell her that i don't like that she's letting her body go and ACTUALLY lower her confidence. Those are some of the comments. So would I say he was attracted well, no, to be honest. Does he love her, yes, attracted, no. Link to comment
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