Found out my "awesome" wife is an awesome liar

[Seraphim]

Like I said it is not right the way she is doing it, but I think that is what it is about. Why not have a talk with her and just ask her to be honest about how she feels about everything.

[VIII]

Apparent Lesson Learned: despite everyone saying it is essential to be honest and open in a relationship and discuss issues as they come up those same people will rip you to shreds if you are. You can't win so don't try.

 

Second Apparent Lesson Learned: if you have made the mistake of being honest and tried to discuss an issue, some people will concentrate on your mistake and excuse or ignore anything your partner does to retaliate including leading you to believe she may be planning on cheating on you. Your mistake in being honest and upsetting her is the only thing that matters.

 

On the other hand, you could tell your wife that you will not tolerate her behaviour and if she wants to end the marriage this is a good way to bring it about.

 

I agree 100%. I'd have been just fine (all things considered) if she had just told me she was hurt and wanted to find someone else. Honesty, to me, means everything.

[OptomisticGirl]

You all are taking my "not attractive" statement way out of context. But to answer your question, yes it would bother me. I'd let her know it bothered me. I wouldn't go to other women. That wouldn't help the situation.

 

It's also easy to say that with hind sight to this point. I just read your post about detailing the attractive comment. As I said, what she maybe has done (because again, unless this is just a passive aggressive way to show you men still find her attractive it could be nothing. Could be something, but you won't know until you ask her) is wrong, on every level, but look at it from this perspective. So I take it she's a bigger girl now that she just gave birth, correct? Have you asked her the reason she still wears the sexy clothes while in her now body type could be to make HER feel sexy? She could be feeling very unsexy in her current body type and is still trying to retain that 'feeling' of being sexy.

[Seraphim]

So you would be happy if she had just walked away with your son and said bye bye?

[OptomisticGirl]

What does that have to do with anything and why are you questioning his relationship with his son?

 

She's not questioning his relationship with his son - the OP (to me and apparently to Vic) has this very lax attitude when it comes to her leaving him. I'm going the way of thinking this goes far deeper than her messages and his comments about the clothes she wears if your willing to let your wife walk out. IMO

[DN]

I agree - what does his son have to do with this? Using children as a weapon in a dispute would be a despicable thing to do. It's worse than leading you to believe she might cheat but neither of those actions are acceptable.

[Seraphim]

What does that have to do with anything and why are you questioning his relationship with his son?

 

No, not all, you are not seeing my point. He said he would have been ok with her saying she was leaving for someone else if she was that hurt. I did not saying anything about him and his son. They have a son, so if they get divorced the child's custody would have to come into play, right? That is the only thing I am saying.

[Seraphim]

I agree - what does his son have to do with this? Using children as a weapon in a dispute would be a despicable thing to do. It's worse than leading you to believe she might cheat but neither of those actions are acceptable.

 

No one is saying that DN, you completely mistaking me. OK.

[VIII]

I asked her, told her I just wanted to know what was going on. She flipped on me and said I was just looking for a reason to be mad. I've got a heart condition, an 11month old, I'm in college, and I run my own business. Why would I seek out more stress? I consider my wife my best friend. That's why I'm honest with her. Some women see what I said as breaking "rules" and that some things should be left unsaid. The way I see it, I confronted her about my issue before I became attracted to someone else, talked to anyone else about it, or let it eat at me until I either cheated or stopes having sex with her. What she said to these guys in her messages was anything but harmless. Asking so,Rome to meet up with you at your job or between classes is not a way of dealing with spousal issues. That's a way of creating spousal issues.

[DN]

No, not all, you are not seeing my point. He said he would have been ok with her saying she was leaving for someone else if she was that hurt. I did not saying anything about him and his son. They have a son, so if they get divorced the child's custody would have to come into play, right? That is the only thing I am saying.

Why do you assume she would get custody. Introducing that fear is entirely unnecessary.

[Seraphim]

Yes, I agree she is going about this completely wrong. I agree. But I do think you did not expect it to hurt her as much as it has. Like I said I could be wrong, but that is just my take on it.

 

I would not get all flipped out at this point. Just calm down and sit and talk everything out.

[DN]

If they get divorced there would probably be a custody issue, there usually is. She might get custody, he might get custody, they might do joint residential custody, they could even do split custody where they take turns staying in the home with the child. That doesn't mean he's going to say "goodbye to his son as she takes him and walks away". It's almost like you're saying if you don't want to lose your kid you better straighten up your act and that's just wrong.

Yes, it looked like that to me too.

[VIII]

I'm not saying I wouldnt care if she left me. I'm saying that I'd rather her just be hoest and tell me she wants someone else than keep me around and mess with other guys behind my back. Saying I'd be ok wi her just leaving is just me saying I'd rather her just be up front and honest.

[Seraphim]

If they get divorced there would probably be a custody issue, there usually is. She might get custody, he might get custody, they might do joint residential custody, they could even do split custody where they take turns staying in the home with the child. That doesn't mean he's going to say "goodbye to his son as she takes him and walks away". It's almost like you're saying if you don't want to lose your kid you better straighten up your act and that's just wrong.

 

No. Not what I am saying, but anyway,whatever.

[OptomisticGirl]

Did she say anything else concernign what was in the messages to the other men? I agree, messaing other men to meet up is not a way to deal with spousal issues.

[DN]

Has your wife ever suggested you dress a certain way or change anything about your appearance? Has she bought you clothes that you would not usually buy for yourself?

[diamond78]

Did the messages begin before or after you told her about not being attracted physically to her? Maybe with that information you can determine if your comment to her was indeed a possible motivation for what she is doing.

[VIII]

Did the messages begin before or after you told her about not being attracted physically to her? Maybe with that information you can determine if your comment to her was indeed a possible motivation for what she is doing.

 

Actually, now that you mention it, it started back in July with her telling him we were moving back to town. Before I made any comments to her in august. Lol there goes that debate.

[OptomisticGirl]

Actually, now that you mention it, it started back in July with her telling him we were moving back to town. Before I made any comments to her in august. Lol there goes that debate.

 

Was this to her classmate or to her ex that she made the moving back to town comment?

[Seraphim]

Hm, then maybe it is time for a discussion with her, because that is wrong either way whether she was hurt or not. I think though your marriage is worth a sit down and heart to heart right?

[diamond78]

Actually, now that you mention it, it started back in July with her telling him we were moving back to town. Before I made any comments to her in august. Lol there goes that debate.

 

If that is the case, then that makes this a bit more worrisome, in my opinion. Do you know who first initiated contact? Because if she sought him out first, then that would definitely bother me.

[VIII]

It was her ex that she asked to come see her. And of course our marriage is worth discussing but if she still has a thing for her ex then why should I stop her? You can't make someone love you or be honest. It's up to them. If she wants him then I'm only going to end up hurting my self by steering her in a direction she doesn't want to go. I'm all for fighting for love but I also know when to pick my battles. It's like I tell my friends; when other guys try to talk to your girl, take it as a compliment, she's still going home with you. When other guys talk to your girl and she leaves with them, let her go, she wasn't worth it anyway. Ppl have free will.

[Seraphim]

Yes, people display what is in their mind usually long before they say it. They might think people don't notice or know but they do. For instance my husband ALWAYS sighs and paces before he wants to bring up something he does not want to bring up but feels he must. He THINKS I do not know he is upset but I already know what is up with him long before he says a word.

[OptomisticGirl]

It was her ex that she asked to come see her. And of course our marriage is worth discussing but if she still has a thing for her ex then why should I stop her? You can't make someone love you or be honest. It's up to them. If she wants him then I'm only going to end up hurting my self by steering her in a direction she doesn't want to go. I'm all for fighting for love but I also know when to pick my battles. It's like I tell my friends; when other guys try to talk to your girl, take it as a compliment, she's still going home with you. When other guys talk to your girl and she leaves with them, let her go, she wasn't worth it anyway. Ppl have free will.

 

Other than these messages, has she had behabior in the past of your relationship that would indicate she still has feelings for her ex? Was this a recent break up prior to your marriage?

[VIII]

She sought him out first. When I asked her about it, she said she was just bored. And as far as me showing I'm not attracted to her, like I said, you all are taking it out of context. Our sex life is very healthy, I still take her out and show her off too. It's just when she wants to wear a bikini or something I get a little iffy. Her body is awesome, even in tight clothes. I never stopped showing her affection and I even buy her clothes when she finds something she likes. She says she likes wearing revealing clothes because her family was extremely strict with her (and they were VERY strict. She wasn't allowed to use a computer unti she was 18!) and I get that. But that's all still beside the point. My concern is what do I do now that I've seen the conversations and I've asked her and she says I'm over reacting?