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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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Today I removed my relationship status on fetlife. He hasn't removed his yet.

 

I also turned off my notifications for "on this day" on facebook. I used to love looking at those. But now all it causes me is pain. So, when I feel ready I will turn it back on. But for now it has to be off.

 

Three years ago today him and I stayed up until 6am laughing and watching youtube videos. I posted it on facebook. That was what made me turn my "on this day" off. I can't take any more of that.

 

I really hope I can hold it together tonight at work.

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So... I made small progress today.

 

I removed my relationship status on Fetlife. And I also turned off my facebook notifications for "On this day." I don't need to see all those happy memories right now. I guess that's the one bad side to being someone who only posts positive things on facebook. People say people who do that are fake. Honestly, for me it isn't about being fake. It's just about not wanting to air my dirty laundry and all that. I don't like passive aggressive vaguebooking either. So, only positive things go on my facebook (for the most part... occasionally I do go on some mild rants on there.) But right now seeing all that is just too painful for me.

 

I cried my eyes out at my therapy appointment this morning. My therapist saw me sob harder that she ever has in the past and I have been close to panic in her office.

 

I am starting to see things a little more rationally too. I'm over that "Oh, he's so perfect, what did I do to push him away? What will I do without him?" way of thinking. I am now able to see he isn't perfect. I am not either. It isn't all my fault. I am not a mind reader. A lot of the reasons he gave for ending this could have been worked on if he would have just spoke up. And the couple things he did speak up about I was changing. Apparently the efforts I made weren't good enough for him. My therapist even said he clearly wants everything his way or no way. (I know she can only go on what I'm telling her. But I am honest with her.)

 

The gaming group he started is a perfect example. He starts this gaming group here in my town. Ten after a few sessions he doesn't want to go anymore because he doesn't like the people who come to it. Well, when you start something like that online, you really have no control over who comes to it. And then he got annoyed with me because I have more in common with some of them that he does, and he didn't like that I sit and talk to them about things we have in common. Several members of the group are bisexual, for one. And for me, it's nice to sit and talk to people who actually understand my orientation. Straight people don't get it. Gay people don't get it. Other bisexuals get it. But when we got into a conversation about that one night he was annoyed.

 

He also can't handle conflict. He was with his ex for three years. In that three years they never spent more than 24 hours apart the entire time. And according to him they never had a single argument. But he told me all these awful things she did/said to him. He just never confronted her because he didn't want conflict.

 

Despite all this though, I still miss him so much and I still want him back. I just think if we get back we both need to change and make an effort to be better people or else it will never work.

 

And I have to pat myself on the back for being as strong as I have when it comes to not contacting him. In the past I have been the crazy/clingy ex. This time I've been strong. He wants space, I'll give it. I am really impressed with myself. Of course, the last time I was in this situation with someone I was 22. I have obviously matured a lot. If I handled this like I did at 22 then we would have a real problem. When I was 22 I called my ex up crying and begging, hinting at ultimatums, demanding an end date, cussing, yelling, bargaining... This time there has been none of that. He messaged me the other night, I was friendly. But I was also the one to end the conversation and tell him goodnight. There hasn't been any contact since.

 

Today has also been the first day I haven't drank any alcohol since it happened. Still can't sleep without sleep aids though. It's nice to know I don't need wine to get me through this.

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So far today has sucked really bad. And We talked today. But talking to him didn't make my mood any worse... I saw him online so I just said good morning. He answered and asked me how my appointment went yesterday. I said it was fine and asked if he had anything set up for therapy yet. He told me he has an appointment Saturday morning.

 

And I've had people messaging me all morning, sending me all kinds of love and kindness, even one of my friends from Europe was messaging me. For some reason none of that has helped.

 

Today I also contemplated suicide for a whole few seconds. I saw the bottle of sleeping pills at the end of my bed and thought, "Wish I could just got to sleep for a while." Then I thought I could just take them all and sleep forever. Then I snapped out of it.

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So, today was a really up and down down. But actually today I cought a glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, believe it or not. It was just a tiny little gray speck surrounded by blackness. But at least I saw it.

 

I actually felt like myself for a little while today. And tonight I've been packing stuff up, and finding a bunch of his t-shirts. Now I don't burst into tears every time I find something like that. Now it's just, "Oh, this is Aaron's." and throw it in his pile. Not that I'm not sad, but it's not as earth shattering anymore.

 

I also talked to him today for quite a while. We started messaging at around 11am and stopped around 5pm when he got off work. The conversation was mostly friendly. It touched on the relationship a couple of times. But I actually put a stop to that because I guessed it was making him uncomfortable. He hasn't even told anyone yet, not even his parents who he lives with. He said he was going to tell them this weekend. I wonder how they will react. I love them. They love me. They treat me like one of their own.

 

But today when we were talking I was thinking, well, maybe this whole being friends thing will work out. And that got me wondering if it's more the friendship we had that I am manuring than the romantic relationship. I don't know.

 

I am in a decent mood right now. But man... today I contemplated suicide for a few seconds. And I also thought if I could afford it I would check myself into the psych ward. And I have good health benefits. But I can't afford the lost wages and all that. Plus I just bought a house. I still need to get my apartment cleared out.

 

So, I'm in a decent mood right now, and I think I shouldn't waste it, and get myself to work. But, at the same time I am tired because I've been up since like 5am. I think if I go to bed now I can get up early and pack. But there's not guarantee I will wake up feeling good.

 

I still hate this... I know he does to.

 

I talked to a co-worker who's husband suddenly left her after 30 years of marriage. Gods... imagine what that must have been like? But they had kids, so I imagine she took some solace in the fact that their time together gave her children.

 

And my friend Lindsay has been there a lot for me over the last couple of days. She is 35 and had had two fiance's die on her. And on top of all that she has (what I am pretty sure is MS) and can barely walk.

 

So, idk... don't mean to sound cruel, but knowing other people have been through worse somehow makes me feel better.

 

I can just feel it that he is not completely out of my life. I hope my gut isn't wrong on this one.

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You're doing great Cynder. Your video made me smile!

 

Aw, thank you.

 

I've been listening to The Lonely Island a lot the last couple days and it's been helping too. I am a firm believer that humor is the best medicine.

 

gvvBcakEMTUa5FLVNOngBEOkj5dvOYpBH7TzsUMni3FvtI5hX1 0UZno0g3mmW7dLEWJpm-HA

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Today was a bad day. But oddly enough right now I feel ok. I feel kind of normal. I did bust out the emergency ice cream and booze though. There's a reason it's called comfort food.

 

I cried all day today. Now I am drinking, watching youtube videos and eating Ben And Jerry's. I'm such a stereotypical broken hearted woman, lol.

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Well... another long hard day of misery is upon me I guess.

 

We spoke briefly this morning. I told him I hope his appointment goes well today. He answered back and told me he might be laid off Monday. I asked why, and he gave me a long explanation. I told him I'm sorry to hear that.

 

I was doing ok until I was packing and found a bunch of the bondage stuff he bought a while back. The paddle he had said "LOVE" on it. And that really got me crying. And the ropes he got to do fancy tie work... he got purple and black because that is my favorite combination of colors. I lost it.

 

I called my grandma. I've been wanting to call her all week long. Talking to her helped, but I'm still crying. I'm leaving to go out with friends later tonight. I really hope I can hold it together. I wish this would end...

 

And when I found out he is likely losing his job Monday (and he probably is, they have laid him off before) I was really sad for him and all I want to do is comfort him. I hope he will be ok. Now he doesn't have 8 hours of mental work a day to take his mind off things.

 

I also wonder if he told his family yet. Last I knew he hadn't told them.

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So... him and I had kind of an emotional conversation today. We were talking about how we miss each other, and I told him I can't stop thinking about all the ways I hurt him. He told me I have to forgive myself and stop dwelling on the past.

 

I wrestled with myself over asking this question, but decided to take a risk and ask him if he has hope for us in the future. He said he does, but is just not sure it will happen. I told him I do too. I said I feel like we belong together in the long run even if we need to be apart right now, and I really hope all this will be worth it down the road. And I said I still love him. He said he still loves me too, and he's sure it will be worth it.

 

I said I can't wait to see him again. And since I figured he was probably about to leave for his appointment, I said good luck at your appointment, and let me know how it goes.

 

I really hope this mean something and it's not just giving us both false hope.

 

He said he still loves me too. And

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So... life is going on I guess.

 

Today I bagged up all his clothes and other stuff. So, now that I can't physically see any of his stuff sitting everywhere I feel a little better. I still am not sure why he decided to break up with me and then leave most of his stuff at my place. He has all kinds of clothes here. And he left his (pretty expensive) pocket watch here. He knows I'm not the crazy kind of ex girlfriend who would throw all his stuff out, which is why he was perfectly comfortable leaving it all here. But it sucks because now I am responsible for packing it all up and transporting it to my new house. That isn't exactly fair. And it will sit at my new house until he decides he wants it. He has all kinds of DVDs, games, shoes, etc here. Is he not going to want any of that?

 

And... another development here, he lost his job today. I feel really bad for him about that. But (I hate to admit it, but I won't lie) I almost feel like now the playing field is level. I know that makes me sound like a horrible mean person. But it's true. Moving is one of the most stressful things people have to go through, and so is a breakup. And he left me to deal with these things on my own. Well, losing a job is right up there in stress too. Now he will have a taste of what I've been dealing with here lately.

 

He definitely got the easier end of this. He tells me he wants to take a break, then goes home to his beautiful log cabin in the woods with his loving supportive family who he has dinner with every night. Then he gets to go off to his mentally demanding job, that provides a nice distraction for 8 hours a day. Then he gets to go out to board game meetups and play games all evening.

 

I am here all alone, in my gutted apartment with no one to keep me company. And I get to head off to my physical but mind numbing job every day that doesn't distract me at all.

 

Now, Aaron has no job, and a break up to deal with. Now I feel like we are going through something similar and I find some comfort in that I guess.

 

For so long I have shared everything in my life with him. If something funny happens at work I think, "I can't wait to tell Aaron about that." Now there's no one to tell. I live a very solitary existence without him. I am an introvert and I am careful anymore who I let in. He claims he's an introvert, but he's always surrounded with people.

 

I have been trying to do random acts of kindness for people. I read a list of ideas online for different kind things to do. One of themn was talk to the person at work who always sits alone in the lunch room. I had to laugh at that one because I am that person, lol. It's not that I am unpopular or not well liked at work. I just don't work on a team. I work alone and so I don't really have a clique of co-workers to sit with. I used to be a trainer though, and so I trained a lot of the people I work with and they all know me. People walk past my work area and talk to me pretty regularly. But I usually eat my lunch alone in the back corner table of the break room. I think it would be awesome if someone came over to talk to me.

 

The crowd at church is amazing. I just realized I haven't even written about that yet in here. Sunday a bunch of random people from the UU church I attended heard I needed help moving. So they all came over and helped. We loaded up three carloads worth of stuff. There is still so much crap I have to get out of here though. It seems so daunting since I have no car and no way to haul it myself.

 

Being at the new house right now just makes me feel sad and lonely... because I want Aaron there with me.

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So far today I've had a pretty bad morning. I overslept. I was supposed to be down at the house by 8am. Well, I woke up to a phone call from the delivery people saying they would be there in about 20 minutes. So I had to hurry up, get dressed, call a cab and get my ass down there having just rolled out of bed. THe plan originally was to walk there, but there was no time for that.

 

I have been really depressed all morning. When I'm done writing this I'm going to force a shower on myself and then lay down and meditate for a bit, and maybe watch some SNL. It's almost sad... SNL and listening to Lonely Island has almost been keeping me sane lately.

 

On the way home from home, lol... I was listening to music, and this really happy song was playing. I was trying so hard to be happy, but it just wasn't working. I stopped at the grocery store to get stuff to bake cookies for the guys I work with. And on the way back, I actually skipped past that song and put this song on:

 

[video=youtube;M0eSgSvhhns] ]

 

I figured if I am going to be sad let's embrace it. Negative emotions are a guide too. SO I was walking up the street, hood up, crying, Burzum was playing... and this old woman came out of nowhere and asked me how I was doing. And, she seemed sincerely concerned, so I stood there sobbing, and told her exactly how I was doing. And she told me God loves me, and everything will be ok. She said God can change the world in a second, look at all the people who died in the flood and the tsunami a while back. And she told me Aaron would probably be back in a month or so. I don't know if that's true or not, but it was nice hearing it.

 

Honestly I was delusional enough to believe this might be my guardian angel for a second or two.

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So, the Pastor at the UU just called me to see how I was doing. She offered to sit down with Aaron and I and provide couple's counseling if we are interested. I told her I doubt he would go for it, simply because he's an Atheist. And she told me 40% of the congregation there are Atheists, and there's actually a group within the congregation who get together every other Sunday to talk.

 

This is something I wish I had known a while back. Aaron was wanting to find an Atheist meetup to go to in the area. And he also was also getting kind of irritated with me for wanting to be more involved with the UU. I bet he wouldn't have been if we would have known there's such a high percentage of Atheists there. He was always so iritated that there was nowhere he could go to discuss his beliefs and all that. And a place was right there all along. I was reluctant to get involved with the UU because of him. But if I had gotten involved sooner I would have known this a lot sooner and he would have had a safe place for that kind of stuff.

 

I can still tell him next time we talk. It's something to think about for in the future.

 

I have talked to him every day for the last three days. I think now it's time to back off and not talk to him for a while. He wants space. I need to respect him and myself enough to give it. He did just lose his job, and I feel bad for him. But I am here trying to move and grieve at the same time. If I can handle that then he can handle being unemployed and grieving at the same time.

 

I keep wanting to check his fetlife feed. But I am trying not to do that. Him potentially interacting with other people in a sexual way is enough to gut me right now.

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I just want to say, I am really amazed by myself in times like this. Someone told me to try being my own observer. That is helping.

 

I had such a bad... bad... bad day today. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I will reach the end of this long dark tunnel eventually. I'm a fighter.

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You're doing great Cynder. I checked out the UU Church where I live, but it's a couple of hours away. If it was closer,m I would check it out myself. I did visit a spiritualist church quite a few years ago, but wasn't quite what I had hoped . . . But it was ok. ALSO STUDIED BUDHISM WHICH I like, but I likely would never officiate membership.

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I'm so sick and tired of being in pain.

 

Yesterday I got temporary insurance cards from HR at work, because I have no idea where mine are. I got them so I have them in case I decide I can't take it anymore and I need to go on meds. I have so many people telling me I should consider them.

 

I hate mornings... I hate that I feel best right before bed, and then when I sleep my good mood goes away and I wake up feeling absolutely gutted.

 

I haven't talked to him since Sunday night. I miss him so much. Sometimes I even tell him how much I love him out loud, on the hope that on some level he will hear me. This morning I was laying in bed and I knew he was also at home laying in bed. I wanted so bed to be there, in bed next to him, spooning, feeling his warmth, his hair, his arms around me. And on some level thinking like that makes me feel better, but I have to face it that it's not reality.

 

And the dreams I've been having lately... Gods. I have been having awful dreams. I have dreamt about committing sexual assault. It wasn't on him... it was on someone who doesn't exist. I have dreamt about birds flying into windows and dying. I have had awful dreams practically every night.

 

I still don't have much of an appetite either. I've lost 11 pounds.

 

I am going to make myself go to this album release party Saturday. I have no idea what I will wear since all my clothes are bagged up and I don't know where any of my good clothes are. I don't even want to go. But I think it will be good for me.

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