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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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Ok... so I guess somewhere deep down inside I should have known this was coming. Things were just going too well.

 

Today at work I discovered a mistake made by the HR Department. When Ex husband and I officially divorced, I am almost positive I updated my W4 and state tax info. Well, obviously someone forgot to put it in the computer because all this time they had me categorized as married. I went to HR and filled out new forms as soon as I discovered this. We just switched to a different payroll company. Now that info is right on our check stub. Before it wasn't. And I am one of those people who checks every stub to the point of mild OCD. And I am right to do it, since they have shorted me a few times. So, now it's all taken care of. But unfortunately that means about a hundred dollar paycut on every check from now on.

 

So, all my dreams of being a super badass and owning a home all by myself went up in smoke before my eyes today. I am still buying the house, have to. Loan is already approved and I am contracted. But now I will either have to find a roommate or get a second job, or else my bills won't get paid.

 

Hopefully I will get tons of commissions and make tons of money working the festival circuit this summer, and my business will provide enough to support me. Other than that, if I can't find a roommate, i guess it's back to working 14 hour days again.

 

On a positive note, my booth at the May festival is ow reserved. A big booth, in a nice spot, fat away from Kitty. And I'm up against a wall so I don't have to worry about bring a hanging wall with me. I can hang whatever I want on the wall, (I checked. As long as I use damage free hanging methods, I'm good.)

 

I guess the good news is shortly after I move into my house festival season will be upon us.

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So, I am really starting to think there's something to this whole Law of Attraction thing.

 

Law of attraction is a school of thought that suggests we get what we think about, whether we want it or not.

 

Well, this past week, with booking my space for this huge festival and all, and then finding out that Kitty was also working it, as anyone who reads this journal can tell, I've been thinking about Kitty a lot.

 

Well, I have this customer out in Lancaster PA who commissioned a painting. I had no idea what to charge him for shipping. So I took a painting the same size (the painting he commissioned isn't done yet) to the UPS store to have it weighed and get an estimate what it would cost to ship. Well, guess who works there now? Yep, Kitty!

 

Maybe it's mean of me to think this way but I can't help but see the irony in this situation because every time I make a sale on Etsy or have to ship art to someone I do it through UPS. So now every time I sell something I might have to go in there and deal with her. I could see this as a negative thing like, "Gods, hope I don't make any sales this week so I don't have to deal with her." Or I could see it as a way to silently and graciously rub my successes in her face.

 

No, it's not like I will go in there and gloat and be a total ass. I will go in there and deal with her the way I would deal with any other UPS employee who ships something for me. But I know she will hate knowing I am doing well in my artistic endeavors.

 

She is one of these "self employed" people who acts like she is so much better than everyone else because she risked quitting her job to follow her dreams. She used to give me all these speeches about it and talk down to me about going to work every day and not having enough love for myself to do like she did. Then when I started dating Aaron it got worse because Aaron is also self employed. So then she just had more leverage to use against me. Like, "Oh, now you know two people who are self employed, why can't you just quit your job and be like us?"

 

Well, unlike her, I live alone and support myself. I am my breadwinner. I am the head of my household. If I don't have steady money coming in I am homeless and starving. Her husband makes crazy money. He is perfectly comfortable going to work every day and working all the overtime that is offered so her can support her and their daughter. Whenever she has worked, it has always been for mad money. The job she brags about quitting to follow her dreams was a 20 hour a week job in the copy center at Staples. So, she gave up her part time retail job that was the source of all her extra spending money, so she could devote 20 hours a week to her business and make her own spending money. But she talks like she risked her health and home to go full time with it and came out a winner. And obviously her business isn't making all that much money if she is now working at the UPS store.

 

And Aaron lives rent free on his parents' property. So his living expenses are very low. He does pretty well for himself being self employed, but he also doesn't have many bills, so there isn't the risk factor in it like there would be for me.

 

Anyway, I have to get off here and get some packing done. This closing date isn't getting here fast enough.

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At the end of today I will have put in 70 hours this week. I left work at 2:20 AM this morning and my boss wanted me back in at 8 AM. I told him I couldn't do that. So he's letting me come in a noon. All this overtime is coming at both a good time and a bad time. On one hand I need the money. On the other hand I am trying to pack and I have commissions to work on.

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Adam is now in a long distance relationship with a woman from Arizona. This doesn't bother me. But what does bother me is seeing his facebook comments about how he is so glad to finally find someone after spending so many years with the wrong person. He said all the same things when he started dating me. And I know it was all lies. But no one wants to admit to themself that they were a sucker, even if I was 24 years old at the time. He is saying all the same things to a new victim.

 

And it also bothers me reading all the comments from people who don't even know me about all the awful things he's been through. "Oh, you deserve to be happy, especially after how hard you've had it." Etc... If they knew the real truth things would be interesting.

 

We all deserve to be happy. Even if he abused me (and every other woman before me) maybe he will change. I doubt it but maybe. Maybe this woman will be the one to melt his heart of ice. I hope so, since she has a daughter. Her child is the one I really worry for.

 

But, realistically speaking, her and her daughter live on the other side of the country. I don't even know if Adam has actually met these people in person. I think once they are together geographically things will change. She and her child are moving here. And I think that's an ideal situation for someone like Adam because he wants her to be isolated and not have any support system. So when he reveals his true self, she is so screwed. I actually thought for a half a second about messaging her. But it would be a pointless gesture. Chances are he has this woman convinced that I am Satan's Little Sister (heh, which was one of my nicknames in High school, lol) and that anything I say is a lie. So, my warning will go unheeded and she will step right into an abusive situation. All I can do is keep her and her little girl in my thoughts and try to send them some positive vibes.

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So I might have found a roommate. Not sure yet. It's the daughter of one of my co workers, and her husband and their child. I had to do some re-calculating of what to charge them for rent. One person would bring up the utilities a little. Three people will bring them up a lot. So I had to raise the cost quite a bit. I mean, there are three of them and one of me.

 

They will be getting a pretty sweet deal, I think. They have one bedroom. They also have one of the two bathrooms, and living room and kitchen privileges. The only parts of the house off limits are my bedroom, my office and the art studio (which is detached and will be locked when I'm not in it anyway.) I work at night, and I'm hardly ever home on the weekends, so they will have the place to themselves a lot. They also get access to my Wifi and my Netflix and get to park in my garage. Not all renters have it that good. I know, I've been renting for almost 20 years.

 

A member of my family pointed out that in all the time I've been renting I could have paid a house off. Yea, I'm aware of that. But when I moved out of my house I was a college student. I didn't have money for a down payment, etc.

 

I'm in my mid 30s and debt free. Most people can't say that. No student loans because I went to college on a full ride scholarship. I've never owned a car. And I've only had 2 credit cards in my life, and I rarely use them. So going into debt for 30 years is a scary thing. But if I can make at least one extra mortgage payment a year that will knock 7 years off my mortgage.

 

I bought this house for 25k less than it's worth. So if I decide I can't handle it anymore I can always sell it and make about 25 grand. I've thought about this too. Like what if Aaron gets a job in California or something and we move out there? Anything could happen. A 30 year mortgage isn't always necessarily a 30 year mortgage.

 

Aaron and I have joked around about how maybe someone was murdered there and that's why it's so cheap. So many horror movies start out with people moving into a new house. And then weird stuff starts happening. Then they find out some disturbing history about the house... and then terror ensues.

 

When my Mom and I went up into the loft above the art studio there were all kinds of boxes up there that the previous owner left behind. I was telling Aaron that if any of them would have had a Super 8 Camera and a projector in them I would have backed out of the whole deal, lol. (If anyone has seen the movie Sinister you get the reference.) If you haven't seen it, don't watch it alone in the dark unless you're a brave soul or want to piss yourself.

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I just splurged and bought a $35 yoga mat. But because there was a promotional deal going on I got it for $10.

 

Tomorrow I close on the house. So from now on I won't really be able to do stuff like that anymore... just buy things I want, I mean. It's not like I don't pay bills now. But my expenses will go up when I move. Living in a slum is cheap. Living well isn't.

 

I have budgeted everything. And after everything is paid for (and this includes groceries and everything, even luxuries like my gym membership. After all that, I still have about $40 a week wiggle room. And this is just based on what I make at my day job, minus any overtime and minus quarterly profit sharing bonuses. It doesn't include any of the money I make on my own from my business. And it doesn't include any of the money I will make from having a tenant. (If I even decide to get a roommate.)

 

I feel overwhelmed. I have commissions to finish,a show to get ready for, and I have to move. But it will all get done.

 

I took Friday off. Aaron and I decided we are going to have a picnic in the new house with Sushi and Champagne, lol.

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One of my biggest flaws is that I get too attached to things... And I also don't like endings.

 

Tonight when I came home from work, it suddenly hit me how much I am going to miss this place. Yes, my landlord is a slumlord. The building I live in looks like it should be condemned from the outside. And the neighborhood I'm in had a pretty high occurrence of crime. There have been multiple shootings on this block. And a few years ago there was a murder/suicide in the house across the street and down a few houses.

 

Those aren't the things I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss my tall windows with hand carved Victorian arches above them. I'm going to miss my purple walls. I'm going to miss my original 1880s fireplace with ceramic tiling and hand carved wooden roses around the edges. I'm going to miss my apple tree. I'm going to miss coming home late at night and hearing my next door neighbors sit out on their porch chatting.

 

I was so happy when I moved into this place. I was telling everyone about my beautiful purple apartment in the historic district. I had just split with Adam. This was my first place all to myself. And I was just about to go to Norway to work at one of the biggest Metal Festivals in the world. I've made so many good memories here. I get attached to things... I don't like endings.

 

But, I will like being able to sleep without my winter coat on and 3 comforters. It will be awesome to be down town. It will be great having a workspace for my business. I felt the same way when I left my last place. I had lived there for ten years.

 

New place... new chapter in my life. But that doesn't mean I won't miss the old place.

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Last night after I got off work I took you out to dinner and a movie that you were more interested in seeing than I was. I paid for everything. Earlier this week I requested vacation day today so we could move some stuff to the house and have our first dinner there. I spent all day while you were at work running errands and getting stuff taken care of like grocery shopping, etc. You got off work at 5. Failed to answer my text when I texted you some time during the 7:00 hour... and now it's almost 9 and I am JUST NOW hearing from you, letting me know you went to your parents' house after work and went out and ran errands. And now you won't be here for about another hour. Gee, thanks for blowing me off. I could have just went to work today instead of wasting a vacation day.

 

Next time you complain that I am not doing enough to hurry this move along, I hope you will be aware of situations like this, where I set aside a whole evening to move, and you weren't here.

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This morning while gathering stuff up and packing, I found a ring of his. It was too big to wear on my finger. So I tucked it into my bra, close to my heart. Last night when we were out and about I was cold, so he gave me one of his hoodies to wear. He never asked for it back. Last night I slept with it. I know these are the typical silly things people do when grieving... but they are bringing me comfort. Tonight I plan on making a YouTube playlist of videos that make me feel good. And playing that on a loop while I sleep. Last night I slept a little better. Still kept waking up though. This morning in the shower I was sobbing so hard I started to cough and gag and dry heave. Last night I didn't have any bad dreams about him.

 

During one of my Ayahuasca ceremonies I saw him and I together when we are old. I saw us in our 60s, sitting at a picnic table in a park, on a bright sunny day, playing a board game together. And we were happy and laughing and being a typical happy old couple together. And then I saw us in our 90s. We were laying in bed together. These things could still happen.

 

I really though he was the one, I did. He is just as miserable as I am right now. It kills me knowing that. But I also know we have to learn to stand alone on our own two feet before we can be right for each other. And I was thinking yesterday that he was my only support system. Well, in the last 24 hours I've learned that he isn't. My mother was at my house at 10am this morning helping me pack, giving hugs, talking me through this. My friend Cassie came over last night and we talked. We were going to go for a drive. But we ended up just sitting in my gutted apartment drinking a glass of wine. I cried while she comforted me. And Brian has been texting me on and off all day giving me encouraging words. Eric has also been in contact through the day. Brian is using more humor to help me out. Eric is turning more toward spirituality, telling me to pray, and meditate.

 

So, I still do have a support system. I still have people who love me. This is a good time to connect with them again and maybe make some knew friends.

 

Every time my phone goes off my instinct tells me it's probably Aaron, but it isn't. That habit is going to take some time to break. He hasn't changed his facebook yet. I haven't changed mine yet either because I didn't want everyone on facebook knowing my dirty laundry. I just made it so no one can see it but me. I love him so much.

 

I know this is only temporary. But knowing that doesn't make it any easier. Gods... this is so hard.

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So... today was a little better than yesterday. And I know tomorrow will be a little better still. I just keep telling myself one day at a time.

 

I have been researching this Amtrak idea I have. I know it's only $200 and something to go from NYC to LA. And even if I don't end up doing it, it's still something nice to think about to get my mind off things.

 

So... as I was typing that last paragraph he messaged me. First I've heard from him since he left last night. He asked me if I bought my appliances today. I didn't. I told him we are doing that tomorrow, but I got a lot done today. Then asked how his day went.

 

It's so hard to have a casual conversation with him, because there is so much I want to say. I actually got some awesome advice today from friends and family. I talked to someone earlier for 2 hours and they really helped me a lot.

 

Yesterday I felt completely numb and felt nothing but helplessness and despair. Today I felt a lot of that. But I also was able to think a little more rationally and have moments of even feeling something close to normal. Earlier I made a playlist of YouTube videos I find soothing and comforting, and I plan to play those tonight on a loop when I sleep. (And hopefully tonight I can sleep.) Then I decided to go into the kitchen and do my dishes and pack up some stuff. it was 10:10. I told myself that until 11 I am going to try to feel good and try not to think about what has happened. And it worked for a while. but by 11 it was getting pretty difficult. And I could feel myself starting to go back down again. But I just told myself hey, if it happens, then I get to come back up again.

 

Tomorrow will be better. And we are sitting here talking on Facebook right now. I was elated when I got a message from him, even if it was just a friendly one. It means he's thinking about me.

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I just can't get up and moving today... I didn't sleep well. I didn't cry in the shower today, which I figured was a good sign. And today was the first day I was able to successfully brush my teeth without gagging. I guess these are small triumphs. But I just can't get moving at all. It all seems so daunting. I have this move to deal with and a broken heart pressing down on me like a boulder.

 

This too shall pass...

 

I still have his ring tucked in my bra, right over my heart. I am still wearing his hoody. I know he misses me just as much. He did reach out to me last night, after all.

 

I tried to meditate for a little bit this morning and just couldn't get into it.

 

I have no idea how I will handle going back o work tomorrow. It will be so awful. I work alone at my job and my job doesn't require me to talk to anyone. And it's so monotonous. I know all I am going to be able to do is think about him. Gods this sucks... I have moments where I honestly just wish I was dead.

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So I haven't cried yet today... but it's not that I don't want to. I can't cry. I guess I'm all cried out. I found his beard oil a few minutes ago and thought that would really get me whaling, but it didn't. I feel sick... no appetite... but I have been pretty thirsty today. I keep trying to stay hydrated.

 

When is it going to end...?

 

I just keep trying to repeat to myself... Love him enough to let him go, and love yourself enough to heal.

 

Brian and Cassie have both been messaging me today. That has helped.

 

Jewel called me yesterday too. She told me when her and her ex split up she ended up in the psyh ward for a few days because she tried to steal her roommate's gun to kill herself with. And she survived that. I have not been to that level of despair yet, but close. Wishing I were dead is just a step above wanting to kill myself.

 

As much as I am dreading tomorrow, I think it might be good for me to get back to a somewhat normal routine again. Tomorrow I will have work. And it will suck, but at least I can get out of this gutted, cold depressing apartment and do something other than pack and find something every few minutes that reminds me of him.

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I've been peaking all day and taking short breaks to meditate. I've also been watching inspirational/uplifting youtube videos. But I decided a few minutes ago it was time to bring humor into the equation. This is the first time I've really laughed since it happened.

 

[video=youtube;OgGbNJdMaTY]

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I keep trying to tell myself there will be a day when I don't think about him as much. This will get easier. I will be ok. Love him enough to let go. Love yourself enough to heal.

 

I know this is gross and probably TMI, but I am going through stuff in my bedroom, and I am finding the sex toys we used, the nipple nibbler cream, etc. I just want to throw all this stuff away, because it's not like I'm going to use this stuff with other people. Right now I can't even imagine wanting to date or sleep with anyone knew. No rebounds. I don't even feel like myself. I can't get anyone else involved that way. I have tried to prepare myself for the fact that he might go out and have a rebound. I don't know if he will, but he could. If he does he does.

 

Oh... such a long road ahead.

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Well, I did end up crying today... I went out to dinner with my Mom and I cried a little. Oh well. I keep thinking of the amount of times I cried today verses yesterday.

 

I have an appointment tomorrow with my therapist. I am actually looking forward to it. it will be nice to decompress.

 

So, even though it got off to a bad start... today was a little better than yesterday. Tomorrow I go back to work. Don't know how I will handle it.

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