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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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So, this is the second weekend in a row that Aaron and I have been on completely opposite sleep schedules. I went to bed at around 5am and got up at noon, shortly after he came to bed. So, he will be asleep all day. It was this way last weekend too. Last weekend I just sat around the house though.

 

I think today I'm going to either pack up my laptop or my sketchbook and go down to a place downtown that I like but he won't go to.

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What is RSI?

 

Repetitive Strain Injury. I have weak wrists which mostly only bother me in very cold weather, when the air pressure suddenly changes or when I do a lot of work with my hands. That was another reason I was glad to change jobs as the previous one could get very physical and all of the workers including me would get lots of aches. One guy a little younger than I am has needed surgery to his shoulder and arms in these last 2 years. Considering I was the oldest, I've done very well.

 

Cynder, your sleeping and waking hours might have an impact on your sense of well-being. I had to stop doing active night work as it caused me to get a period every 2 weeks.

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Repetitive Strain Injury. I have weak wrists which mostly only bother me in very cold weather, when the air pressure suddenly changes or when I do a lot of work with my hands. That was another reason I was glad to change jobs as the previous one could get very physical and all of the workers including me would get lots of aches. One guy a little younger than I am has needed surgery to his shoulder and arms in these last 2 years. Considering I was the oldest, I've done very well.

 

Cynder, your sleeping and waking hours might have an impact on your sense of well-being. I had to stop doing active night work as it caused me to get a period every 2 weeks.

 

I'm sure it is... I've read about all the studies that show that shift work takes years off a person's life and dramatically affects health. I am conflicted on the subject I guess. Science has proven it one way but their are always exceptions to the rules. I have always been a night person. I was on first shift for two years and then my company just moved me to second without warning. I sleep so much better on second. When I was on first I was surviving on like three hours of sleep a day and I had to take tylenol PM most nights just to be able to sleep at all.

 

So on one hand, I sleep a lot better now, but I know working second is contributing to my depression. During the week I feel like all I do is work and sleep.

 

I ended up going downtown yesterday like I said I would. I ate lunch at the greek restaurant that I've been craving but for some reason Aaron avoids like the plague. I've suggested we go there so many times. He's never even had Greek food but is convinced he will hate it.

 

I went to the bar next store and drank a beer while sitting and drawing. That was interesting... I really like this place but yesterday the vibe was a little different. Idk... something just seemed off. Maybe it was the staff, idk. The two bartenders seemed to know everyone sitting at the bar really well. When I went up to pay my bill I stood there for a few minutes being ignored. And I was standing right in plain view too, debit card out. Finally the one said, "Is there something we can do for you?" She sounded like she was being rudely interrupted. I paid and left. They still got their 15% tip.

 

But, I found out yesterday that they display art from local artists. I showed one of the people working one of my synesthetic paintings and she loved it. She asked me to bring a few more down for them to look at. I guess I would have to finish the two I have in progress right now first, lol...

 

Lately my attempts to paint on canvas are pissing me off. Maybe it's just because I am so out of practice. I just can never get my paintings to look right. And I remember when I used to be so good at it. I have all these ideas but lack the talent to execute them... at least that's how it feels anyway.

 

On the way home yesterday I ran into a friend of mine who offered me a ride. We sat in my driveway and talked for like two hours. He just broke up with his girlfriend and his Mom is dying of cancer. So, he had a lot of talking to do, and I've always been told I'm a good listener.

 

Aaron was awake when I came inside. I didn't think he would be up that early. He was annoyed with me for spending money. He said he has been trying to help us stay on budget by not going out to eat anywhere and here I am going out to eat. I guess he has a point but the B*tch in me disagrees on some level. We hadn't been to the store yet, there was nothing in the house I could cook really. I had been wanting Greek food, and he won't go with me to the Greek restaurant. I didn't spend much. And I am the breadwinner in this relationship. I make a lot more then he does, and I am trying to save up for this trip that we are BOTH going on. So far he hasn't contributed any money at all to the travel fund, and I have been contributing every payday. Also, I have two different places I can go to do laundry for free. He doesn't want to go to either of those places, so we have to pay to do laundry at the laundromat. I just don't see how he has the right to get all bent out of shape about me spending $20 taking myself out for the afternoon.

 

So today I have all this time... not sure if I should edit the film or work on paintings. Time is a rare commodity for someone who works my hours.

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So many artists on my facebook friends list who inspire me, but at the same time make me feel like a talentless hack. It's hard to explain... I look at things other people have done and I am in awe and love their work, but I also think "Wow... I could never do that."

 

But, who knows... someone could also be out there looking at my work and thinking the same thing.

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Cynder, I don't believe A has the right to dictate to you how to spend your money, especially if he isn't contributing equally. Due to past experience, I have not merged my finances with a partner for a long time - still, I can see how I did all low myself to be exploited for a partners financial benefit. Won't be doing that again.

 

Good luck with you art - or perhaps, more than luck, there should be more requests to the universe for guidance, health, happiness and prosperity - and of course thanks to the universe as well.

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My ex husband used me financially for years. When we got married he had an excellent job at a company that was hard to get into. And he had been there for about ten years. I worked also, but I was a student so I only worked part time. Then once I graduated and found a professional job, he quit his job. So before too long I'm working two jobs, while he sits on his ass all day watching porn, ordering stuff on amazon, writing really bad movie scripts, and screwing one of my friends.

 

Then I lost my job and he yelled and screamed at me because he was pissed off that now he would have to go out and look for work.

 

So, for about 6 months I had a lot of temp jobs, but no solid employment. So when I finally got a full time job I created my own bank account and told him he wasn't having any access to it. And then we decided how we would divide up the bills.

 

I am mad at myself for ever even letting it get to the point where he had access to the money that I was earning in the first place. But that happened slowly over time. It escalated to the point where I had to ask him for permission to get money out of the bank account that I was the only one putting money into. But, that happened slowly over years. It's the frog in the pot situation I guess...

 

We split up not too long after I kicked him off the gravy train. I should have done this a lot sooner.

 

In the case of Aaron and I, it's a little different because we don't live together. We don't share any financial responsibilities. We are currently saving up for this trip together but so far I'm the only one who's done any saving for it.

 

I can see both sides of it. For a while he was always wanting to eat out, and that was putting us over budget. And now he's stopped doing that, but Saturday I took myself out to lunch. So, he does have a point but at the same time it's my money and I'm the only one making an effort. He wasn't that upset about it. He got over it pretty quick.

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About your ex, wow, just wow! It's amazing what we tolerate, especially as it happens in small steps, breaking down boundary after boundary, next thing you know, it's ridiculous! Good for you for getting rid of him!

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Yea... when boundaries are chipped away little by little over time it's amazing what people will put up with.

 

He lives with a 58 year old woman now. (Old enough to be his mother.) Clearly he never really wanted a wife. He wanted a mommy to support and take care of him.

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I'm so sick and tired of these intrusive thoughts. Its like they always come right before bed, and before bed is when I'm usually in the best mood of the day. All day long today I was in a good mood and then I decided to take a shower before bed and here comes some nasty thoughts happen in my head. Some of this stuff I'm not even comfortable going into detail about with my counselor. I guess trust needs to develop a little more. I just wish it would stop. Also I use voice text to write this so if there's any weird typos I apologize.

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Hi Cynder. I know this will likely be boring for you, but I will bet there is something special to you that you can try to think about at such times. I realised that when I was in bed and thinking about what I wanted to plant and do in my garden, and visualising it, I would feel peaceful and sleep well. you are an aRtist so for sure you are visual.

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Hi Cynder. I know this will likely be boring for you, but I will bet there is something special to you that you can try to think about at such times. I realised that when I was in bed and thinking about what I wanted to plant and do in my garden, and visualising it, I would feel peaceful and sleep well. you are an aRtist so for sure you are visual.

 

Yea... I try to think positive. The problem with the intrusive thoughts is they come out of nowhere. It's not like I feel it coming on like I do with depression. Intrusive thoughts can come at any time. I could be having the time of my life, then... smack! I don't have an official diagnosis but I really am starting to believe I have OCD.

 

I can't just shake them off like most people. I have a negative thought and I will just obsess over it and scold myself for having it to the point of almost having a panic attack sometimes.

 

My projects have been suffering here lately. Last weekend I had all this time to work on things... and I blew most of it pissing around online.

 

I do keep my mind busy at work though by doing language drills. I have a vocabulary of about 200 words now in the language I am learning. I'm just now getting to the point of being able to form whole sentences. It's awesome.

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I also tried reaching out to an old friend of mine online. I messaged him on facebook. He read the message and didn't reply.

 

That may not have anything to do with you. He might just have other things happening in his life.

 

Re the possible OCD - are you opposed to taking some type of medication for anxiety?

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That may not have anything to do with you. He might just have other things happening in his life.

 

Re the possible OCD - are you opposed to taking some type of medication for anxiety?

 

Oh yes... vehemently opposed. I personally have seen way too many problems caused by psych drugs. When I was a teenager I had to take them and they made me feel like crap.

 

Today has not been a good day for me...

 

The bar downtown is interested in displaying one of ny synesthetic paintings. Here in a minute I need to call a local print shop and see how much they will charge tp print it full size. I am dreading this call because the manager at the shop is someone I personally can't stand. hopefully its ger day off. I know she will recognize my voice and try to make trite pointless small talk too... which doesn't interest me. Im already feelimg absolutely wrecked today.

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I came home tonight with a mission, I was going to get my outfit together for the festival this weekend and color my hair. Well, I got my outfit all together, found everything for it, even the fox tail. But I can't color my hair because I don't have any bleach. I thought for sure I had some stashed in with the rest of my hair color. I looked everywhere. It's nowhere to be found. Poop.

 

Oh well, I can wait I guess. I was planning on wearing a dread fall this weekend anyway. But I thought I would color my hair anyway just in case I didn't feel like wearing the dread fall. Dread falls are kind of a pain in the ass and they cause headaches when warn all day long. And my hair needs colored anyway. It's been a while. I didn't even tell Aaron I was going to do it because I wanted him to be surprised when he comes over tomorrow night.

 

This blows. Lol...

 

I did just transfer more money into the vacation fund though. I always feel so good when I do this. It's 13 months away. I still need to save up about 4 grand.

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I hate when I have tons of artistic inspiration and no energy to work on things. Tonight I was planning on working on my octopus painting... didn't happen.

 

I have this really good idea for a painting of a Satyr also... but I feel like I need to find someone to model for it... at least sit in the position I want him sitting in long enough so I can just sketch it out.

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