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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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I've been wasting so much time lately on trivial things. I've been home since 11pm and I've done nothing constructive at all. I really need to stop this.

 

Lately I've been feeling like I'm coming out of my depression. I'm not getting too excited yet though. I've felt this way before, and something always comes and knocks me right down again. But the thing is, when I am depressed I'm at least productive. I'm starting to feel happy again... does that coincide with my sudden laziness? I dunno.

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Ok, this is the second cease and desist letter I've gotten from my internet provider telling me to stop illegally downloading stuff (this time it was porn, lol) or they will cut my service off. But it's not me doing it, it's Aaron.

 

Yesterday I kind of chewed him out for it. I am not jealous about it or anything. That isn't the issue. I know he watches porn and I don't care. I do too on occasion so I'm not going to get pissed at him for it. I do care though about him using my internet to download stuff off torrent sites if it's going to get me in trouble. He was like, "Well where else am I supposed to download stuff?"

 

I said, "Well where did you download stuff before you met me?"

 

That was pretty much the end of the discussion.

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Hi Cynder, I thought the hair would look similar to that - we call them dreadlocks here. Is it all your own hair or do you use extensions?

 

They are called dreadlocks here in the states too, when they are natural. Dread falls are basically extractions that are warn temporarily. I put my real hair up in a bun and tie the fall to it.

 

I have also had synthetic dreads braided into my real hair for several months.

 

I love the look of dreadlocks. I am just to chicksh-- to dread my real hair. The idea of having to cut them out when I'm tired of them scares me. I have never had short hair as an adult. When I was a kid as soon as my hair was touching my shoulders my mom would take me either to my aunt or my grandma (both hair stylists) and have it all chopped off. And this was always a traumatic thing for me because I wanted my hair to be long. And I would beg my Mom and my aunt or grandma not to cut it, and I would be laughed at and told it's just hair, it will grow back. And then when it was all cut off I would cry, and get laughed at some more and told not to act like such a baby.

 

I'm pissed off right now because I colored it the other night, used 40 volume developer and everything, and you can't even tell. Meh...

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  • 10 months later...

So, 44 days until I quit my second job. I'm starting to think this trip is a mistake. I can't even get excited about it anymore. Planning it has been a nightmare and now the main reason I'm going over there may be not be happening. Aaron I can tell Aaron isn't that into it either. Idk...

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  • 6 months later...

Aaron and I both over slept today. I really wish I knew what my work schedule was for the rest of the week. As of now I am clueless. I just know to be there today at 2. At least at my second job I am my own boss... and today not even a good one since I am supposed to be working right now.

 

The painting I did of Gemma has gotten such a huge response online. I can't believe how many people have been asking for commissions since Kaycee posted it. Here's to hoping. Summer is a busy time for me, and the holidays are a busy time. But the time between the holidays and summer is usually pretty slow.

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So, the house I'm buying is now listed as "Off Market" on Zillow. I was glad to see that. It makes it seem like all this effort is actually making a difference. So far all it's been is texts/emails.phone calls with my lender and my agent. Taking stacks of papers into the office... just to be told they need more.

 

I am so tired of living in a slum. Yes, my apartment is beautiful. But it seems like such a waste when it's not even comfortable to live in. It's in the historic district on town, built in the 1880s. The walls are purple. It has tall windows with hand carved woodwork and the original 1880s fireplace. It's stunning... but there is no heat. Hot water is iffy. My fridge doesn't work half the time. There are cracks in my windows. I've had a bee problems for the last three summers because they are nesting in my wall and my landlord won't do anything about it.

 

I always embraced the idea of living cheap, sacrificing comfort, and being able to do other things, like travel. I feel in some ways like I am copping out. Like who cares if I don't have heat? I spent a good chunk of last summer traveling in the Netherlands, England and Norway. I feel like once I own a home all the fun's over. It's like having a baby. Once you have a baby it's all about the baby. Once you buy a home it's all about the home. The biggest reason I don't have kids is because I just don't want the responsibility. People say that's messed up. And maybe it is, but at least I admit it. I have straight up told people I'm just too selfish to be a parent. My parents were too selfish too, but they weren't self aware enough to recognize that, and thus 6 children grew up with really messed up childhoods.

 

Anyways... I really need to stop rambling at get back to work. Got a big commission to finish.

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I feel like once I own a home all the fun's over. It's like having a baby. Once you have a baby it's all about the baby. Once you buy a home it's all about the home. The biggest reason I don't have kids is because I just don't want the responsibility. People say that's messed up. And maybe it is, but at least I admit it. I have straight up told people I'm just too selfish to be a parent. My parents were too selfish too, but they weren't self aware enough to recognize that, and thus 6 children grew up with really messed up childhoods.

 

I've owned two homes and it's never been that big of a deal. The house search/buying/moving process is all consuming, but once I've moved in, it hasn't been bad at all. It helps to be handy and pay attention to/perform maintenance to optimize the condition of appliances, plumbing, electrical, etc.

 

I think it's silly for people to pressure others into having children. I wish more people were like you and chose not to bring children into the world when they are not really ready fo and committed to parenthood.

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Hi Cynder. I get where you are coming from. Not all that long ago I even lived off the grid for a year - living only with solar power and tank water. Only heating was a fireplace. Then the landlord sold. I'm much older than you and have lived in so many places that it became extremely unsettling. Finally I was able to buy my own home and move into it 6 weeks ago. I'm emjoying the comforts of this home. It's MUCH nicer than anywhere I have ever rented.p

If you do want to get in more travel, you could probably rent it out - though I wouldn't want to rent this place out. N some ways, this move was the most difficult for me. I'm was only moving a short distance, but I am so over moving that I don't have it in me anymore. Luckily I was able to buy something affordable. There are now very few rentals here and it's actually better or on par financially. Good luck. Last year I ended up with the landlord from hell. Thank God I shouldn't have to put up with that again. Also, I can clean when I want to clean although I'm more motivated now.

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I've owned two homes and it's never been that big of a deal. The house search/buying/moving process is all consuming, but once I've moved in, it hasn't been bad at all. It helps to be handy and pay attention to/perform maintenance to optimize the condition of appliances, plumbing, electrical, etc.

 

I think it's silly for people to pressure others into having children. I wish more people were like you and chose not to bring children into the world when they are not really ready fo and committed to parenthood.

 

 

Apparently my comments about being childfree really offended some people on here, lol. (Not you.)

 

Now that I am buying a house though, I have considered taking in a foster child. I am interested in fostering teenagers because my teenage life was such hell that I feel like I could make some teenager's life out there better. Also nobody wants teenagers. Everyone wants to foster the cute little kids, but the teenagers are usually forgotten.

 

Maybe I am being self centered and seeing myself through rose colored glasses, idk. But I think a lot of teenagers would think it's cool having a tattooed, green haired artist for a foster mom. I guess it depends on the kids, though.

 

I have a few friends with teenage kids. I get along great with all of them. But I also changed most of their diapers when I was 20 or so. lol.

 

I have also trained a lot of fresh out of high school teenage boys when I was a trainer at my job. Most of them wanted to bang me. (And they told me, I am not just guessing at this. One pimply faced 18 year old literally asked me to take his virginity.)

 

I always get off on tangents on here, lol.

 

I am glad that someone appreciates my opinion on being childfree. It's not like if I had kids I would just let them starve and be a terrible mother. But, there are a lot of things I want in my life that children will hinder. I just don't feel like having kids will fit into my life right now. Maybe one day I will adopt. But right now it's just not for me.

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Hi Cynder. I get where you are coming from. Not all that long ago I even lived off the grid for a year - living only with solar power and tank water. Only heating was a fireplace. Then the landlord sold. I'm much older than you and have lived in so many places that it became extremely unsettling. Finally I was able to buy my own home and move into it 6 weeks ago. I'm emjoying the comforts of this home. It's MUCH nicer than anywhere I have ever rented.p

If you do want to get in more travel, you could probably rent it out - though I wouldn't want to rent this place out. N some ways, this move was the most difficult for me. I'm was only moving a short distance, but I am so over moving that I don't have it in me anymore. Luckily I was able to buy something affordable. There are now very few rentals here and it's actually better or on par financially. Good luck. Last year I ended up with the landlord from hell. Thank God I shouldn't have to put up with that again. Also, I can clean when I want to clean although I'm more motivated now.

 

 

Living off the grid seems like the coolest thing ever. Of course I have never actually done it.

 

This place I found is my dream house. It's amazing. It's 120 years old, Victorian on the outside, but updated and modern on the inside. There's a huge corkscrew willow out front that looks like it should be in a Tim Burton movie. It has gorgeous hardwood floors and woodwork. The garage has two stories. I am thinking about making the second story a game/party room. It's a really nice room. But the best part is the art studio. It looks like a smaller version of the house. It reminds me of a renovated carriage house. The previous owner used it as a workshop. I love it. It will be such a cool place to create.

 

I work so hard. It will be nice to actually live the lifestyle of someone who works hard.

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The house sounds fantastic! It would be hard to rent again after having such a great place!

 

I'm glad I had the experience of living off the grid. It was a rental however and so many things were broken and the landlord was pathetic. It was a lot of work - maintaining the outside. It was on 16 acres adjoining a forest and Ai lived in my own with my pets and the wildlife. Now I live on the outskirts if the town, but firtunately no neighbours who are very close. I'm a shirt walk from an art gallery with lively cafe with amazing food behind it. I'm happy here! Much easier for me to manage.

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The house sounds fantastic! It would be hard to rent again after having such a great place!

 

I'm glad I had the experience of living off the grid. It was a rental however and so many things were broken and the landlord was pathetic. It was a lot of work - maintaining the outside. It was on 16 acres adjoining a forest and Ai lived in my own with my pets and the wildlife. Now I live on the outskirts if the town, but firtunately no neighbours who are very close. I'm a shirt walk from an art gallery with lively cafe with amazing food behind it. I'm happy here! Much easier for me to manage.

 

If I had my way I would be living in an Earth ship somewhere in Norway or the Netherlands and be completely self sufficient. All I would ask for is being close to a train station. But, until that day comes I will take what I can get where I can get it. I really believe I was born in the wrong country. I have considered renouncing my US citizenship altogether more than once. Immigration makes it almost impossible to move to the countries I want to live in though.

 

I am a short walk for a lot of really cool places too. But with my work schedule I can't really enjoy those places. I really need to get off second shift. Not like I have much choice in the matter though.

 

My Mom insists that my art studio is a death trap, lol. She things that I will burn the whole place down with the combination of paint fumes and gas heat. I paint with acrylic paints that aren't flammable. I won't do spray paint art in the studio. Any idiot knows you shouldn't spray paint in doors.

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So, I guess Kitty is doing the same event I am doing in May. I'm getting so sick and tired of this. I guess it's something I am just going to have to get used to. Her and I are part of the same scene. I could deal with it a lot easier if it was some situation where we are just both there and she doesn't come up to me and try to act all friendly and think I don't hear the condescension, and if she wouldn't go around telling everyone after that I only worked said event because she did. I don't follow her around. I work the events where I think I will make money.

 

I need to get painting, though. I have a goal to have 20 more paintings done before the end of April.

 

It's about 10 degrees outside, and not much warmer in my apartment. It's hard to type because my fingers are so cold. It will be so nice to have heat.

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So, today I decided I can't wait anymore to reserve my booth at the show in May if I want a decent spot. I don't want to be stuck in the back by the fire exit. And honestly, my biggest fear about that show was getting stuck next to or across from Kitty. (I will talk more about this here in a few.) So, the booths start at $80. There was one $80 booth left. Alright, cool beans. Well, thankfully this venue posts a vendor list with a map. Well, guess what? The only $80 booth left was right across from her ass.

 

So, now I am upgrading to the next one up. It will cost more. But, a bigger booth isn't a bad thing. It means room for more stuff, for one. More stuff means a more likely chance things will sell.

 

I have spent a lot of time today reflecting on that relationship... with Kitty I mean. I haven't thought about her much lately. But I guess now was the time to psychoanalyze myself a little and realize a few things about her and I.

 

My parents are lying, backstabbing unfair people. And whenever I called them out on their crap growing up, I was always told things like, "Welp, that's just the way it is." "Life isn't fair. Grow a thicker skin." "The world is full of assklowns that want to screw you over before you screw them over." So, I really did grow up believing that on one level, but on another level hoping not to encounter that. I guess I always hoped that somewhere out there there were nice people who didn't screw other over. Meanwhile I attracted nothing but people like my parents.

 

Gaslighting played a huge part in this also. My parents did this to me all the time and about had me convinced I was nuts but the time I reached teenhood. Kitty is a champion gaslighter.

 

Now I feel like I need to get even further from the topic, but just give me a second here... It's almost like my life has been split in two parts now. There are the things I experienced/thought/perceived pre-Ayahuasca, and then there are completely different versions of those things post-Ayahuasca.

 

I am really able to see now just how screwed up my past was. And all this time I thought it was just me who was screwed up and everyone else was normal.

 

Kitty is a rude, unlikable person. I remember for a while there, every time I went to her house, (This was when Myspace was still a thing) I would see a scathing blog on her Myspace page about me the next day. She would write things about how this idiot friend of hers came over the night before and then go into the whole litany of dumb things I said/did in her presence (Some of which were grossly exaggerated.) Then call me and sweetly ask me if I was upset about her blog. And then just tell me how she speaks the truth even if it hurts, etc.

 

And this is just one example... She lied about me to other people. She told people I was a thief. That I had STDs, drug problems, etc. She called me names out in the open on Facebook on multiple occasions. She would offer me a ride somewhere even when I told her I could walk there, then go home and complain to her husband about how I used her for the ride. She would invite me to go places with her just so she could smoke in her car and blame it on me when her husband smelled the smoke. (Because he doesn't know she smokes, and apparently he also doesn't know I quit smoking 6 years ago.)

 

When I stopped talking to her I just made a quick painless exit. Then months later when she figured out I wasn't talking to her anymore, she made this big show out of calling me names on Facebook and announcing to everyone that she was cutting me out of her life. By then I was already gone. And she tells everyone she stopped talking to me because she wanted me to leave town and I wouldn't. Right there shows how screwed up she is. She actually thought she could tell an adult to leave town and they would just do it?

 

And the sad part is... through all this I thought I must be the one in the wrong. She has a whole entourage of adoring fans around her, and I don't. Everyone loves her. A few people love me. My whole life I've been told I am screwed up in the head, that I am socially inept, that I am weird, awkward, ugly, dumb, etc.

 

But... since we stopped talking I have learned a few things about her too. For one, a lot of the people who seem to like her so much are friends of her husband. And really, they don't like her all that much. They just tolerate her. I have heard that from some of them themselves. It's a small town. Her husband's friends go to parties and stuff that I have been at in the past, and they have told me that can't stand her.

 

My uncle's girlfriend used to work with her and she told me no one at that company could stand her and they were all relieved when she was let go. She even told me they all hated when she would come with them to lunch because she always treated the wait staff like crap no matter where they went and they were all embarrassed to be seen with her.

 

I worked at a dry cleaner she worked at once. And I got pulled into the boss's office and lectured once just for saying her name. And all I said was, "I don't know why I wore long sleeves in here. Kitty told me how hot it gets." So, they hated her so much I wasn't even allowed to mention her.

 

Boy if her husband only knew he's been adoring, supporting, coddling, trusting, loving a false persona for almost 20 years I wonder what he would say? I feel really sorry for her daughter.

 

Anyway, I will be there at the show, in my big booth, far away from her. She will tell people I am only there because I am following/stalking her, and who knows what other fanciful tales. I don't really care. Because while she is talking crap, I will be sitting there quietly selling art that I hand painted myself, not clothes I ripped off from other designers. I will be talking to customers, making new friends, having a blast. She will make a fool of no one but herself.

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Big Hugs Cynder. After reading about kitty, i was reminded of a woman I knew over 20 years ago. She hurt so many people, but there was something charasmatic about her that could feel people back in. I did a major bolt from her crap. Then I heard that she had died suddenly, quite mysteriously. She was only around 40. She stayed in bed with the flu one day, and when her new husband came home from work., she was dead. Apparently, no definite cause of death ever found. It sounds really terrible, but Zi know Ai wasn't the only person who breathed a sigh of relief - she had messed with do many people's heads and emotions. She was definitely a very troubled person with some type of severe personality disorder or SOMETHING.

 

I'm glad for you that she is not in your life and Ai hope you never let her back in.

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Big Hugs Cynder. After reading about kitty, i was reminded of a woman I knew over 20 years ago. She hurt so many people, but there was something charasmatic about her that could feel people back in. I did a major bolt from her crap. Then I heard that she had died suddenly, quite mysteriously. She was only around 40. She stayed in bed with the flu one day, and when her new husband came home from work., she was dead. Apparently, no definite cause of death ever found. It sounds really terrible, but Zi know Ai wasn't the only person who breathed a sigh of relief - she had messed with do many people's heads and emotions. She was definitely a very troubled person with some type of severe personality disorder or SOMETHING.

 

I'm glad for you that she is not in your life and Ai hope you never let her back in.

 

I will never let her back in. But unfortunately I still have to see her occasionally at events like this. I always speak to her like I am speaking to a customer. If she starts trying to get personal I just shrug it off.

 

What I wrote here was just the short version. There is so much she has pulled over the years on multiple people. Yet so many people let her get away with it. She is like Sara Michelle Geller's character in Cruel Intentions. And one day I think something similar will happen to her as what happened to that character. And it may sound cold, but I hope I'm there to see it.

 

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