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Life On The Rocinante' (After Dark!)


Cynder
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The other night Josh pointed out that I send out a lot of non verbal cues that I am completely unaware of. I think this will be worth bringing up when Aaron and I have our talk. (Which I know we will have, I just don't know when.)

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I'm afraid to go to sleep anymore... and sleep should be my release from this hell. But whenever I sleep I have really bad dreams. Maybe instead of meditating in the morning I should do it at night before I go to sleep. That might help.

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So... yesterday I went to the album release party. I didn't know anyone there and it was hard to really talk to anyone because it was like everyone was already cliqued up. It's easy to walk up to someone standing alone at an event and start a conversation. It's not as easy to infiltrate a circle of people who clearly already know each other. And the whole thing was over in like an hour. So I went down the street to the little restaurant/wine bar place. I sat and dank a non alcoholic mint julep and had a fish sandwich. Then Julie texted me and asked me where I was. I told her and she came down there and we sat and talked for a bit. They were having a wine tasting, that we didn't pay for, so we left and came to my apartment.

 

I had messaged Aaron late Friday night about an event we planned to go to with a mutual friend before we broke up. Well, he messaged back and I asked if I could just call him and let him know what was going on rather than try to text it all. He told me sure.

 

So I sat in my bathroom on the toilet (because that is the only place to currently sit in my apartment.) And had about an hour long conversation with him. It was so good to hear his voice. And even though I called to talk about this event, and tried to tell myself I wouldn't get emotional, I did get emotional. And so did he, though not as much. But that's just how we are. I have always been way more of a cryer than him. We talked about how our lives have been, how much we missed each other, how much we still love each other, how we've been working on ourselves. He said he's trying to give up porn and masturbation for a while because he's been reading that too much masturbation can cause anxiety and sexual problems in men. He told me he also deep cleaned at his place and moved furniture around to stay busy. I told him about the new clothes I bought to wear to the album release party and that I have gone down a pant size since we parted ways. I offered to send a pic of myself in the outfit, and he wanted to see it.

 

Then Josh showed up at my place, and I figured it's rude to keep him and Julie waiting while I talk to Aaron, so we got off the phone, but we continued to text back and forth until about !am.

 

Josh and Julie and I moved pretty much the last of my stuff except a few kitchen appliances and the essential things I use every day over to the new place. Then we went out and got some Tex Mex food, went to Josh's and sat by the fire drinking Ambrosia Liquor and watching YouTube videos. That was honestly the most relaxed I've been since it happened. Here I was, in the company of good friends, resting by a nice warm fire, watching funny videos and drinking top shelf booze. And texting Aaron too. I was feeling so good last night. And since no one felt comfortable driving we all just slept there. Julie slept on the futon, Josh slept on the couch, and I slept on the air mattress in the guest room. That was the best night sleep I've had so far and this morning was the first night I didn't wake up feeling like garbage.

 

Then we got up and went to church this morning and I made it almost the whole way through the service without crying. The preacher took me aside after and we talked. I told him I've wished for death these last couple weeks. He gave me his card and told me if it gets really bad to call him.

 

So then we went out to lunch, came back here and did some cleaning. My Mom stopped over and brought us drinks and a step stool (which I needed) and then left. We all went to the store and picked up a few things, then they dropped me off and now I'm here relaxing at home.

 

I feel like I am living in this weird twilight zone parallel universe where everything is shifting around. I feel like Aaron and I are on two different sides of the planet, kept apart by some unexplained force that I can't see. I feel like I am joined at the hips with Josh and Julie all of a sudden, which I mean, they are cool people and I like their company, but two weeks ago I only say them every other Saturday for a couple hours at gaming. And I am about to officially move to the new place. Which isn't as scary now as it was, but still very lonely.

 

Aaron and I obviously still love each other. I just don't understand why we have to torture ourselves this way. Last night we were flirting, joking around, making plans for his birthday weekend, etc. Us being together just feels right. This, what I'm experiencing now, feels wrong. I hope he is right and we really will be better people because of it. He is more intelligent than I am. So I'm trusting him on this one.

 

I feel alright right now. But I'm afraid to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow feeling gutted and miserable. At least this was a good weekend. And then next week it's gaming and group meeting at the church. Then the weekend after that I get to see Aaron for his birthday. Today when we were at the store I saw gravity chairs. I think I'm going to get him one for his birthday. He likes them and has talked about wanting something similar in the past.

 

He told me he was excited for his birthday but also worried that things would be really emotional. I asked him who he was worried about, me or him. He told me he was worried about us both getting emotional. I told him if it gets that way we can just make the decision to stop that, and put that hold hold, and have fun for the night.

 

I love him so much...

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Aaron and I have talked every day for the last four days. For someone who wants time apart he sure does initiate contact a lot.

 

Some people I know who have been some of my biggest supporters though this are starting to criticize the way I am managing my grief. Lindsay told me I am behaving like he died, not asked for a break. She told me after this amount of time I shouldn't be crying like a widow. Idk... I guess everyone is different. I didn't know still crying two weeks after a break up was behaving like a widow.

 

And my Mom is starting to get annoyed and pissy with me when I talk to her about how I feel too.

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Mornings are so awful... every night I fall asleep feeling ok, considering the circumstances. I usually turn on netflix and just drift off. Then I wake up really early in the morning, usually some time between 4 and 6. I still feel ok, mainly because I know I can go back to sleep. I roll over and turn on an episode of Portlandia or That 70s show, which I fall asleep to. Then I wake up some time between 8 and 9, feeling absolutely gutted. I hate this...

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I am sitting here tired, feeling like I could fall asleep any time now. But I don't want to, because I am in a decent mood, and I know I will go to sleep and then wake up feeling gutted... and maybe have bad dreams.

 

Today I felt an emotion I haven't felt since before the break up though... excitement. I have a show to get ready for in May. And I still have a lot to do to get ready for it, and my own art studio to do it in. Monday I will be working in my studio for the first time, and that's exciting.

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So, tonight I will be staying at the new house, officially.

 

I feel like I am not ready to leave this apartment, sadly. I moved in here around the time I started seeing Aaron, and now I'm moving out and the relationship is (at least for the time being) over. I almost feel like leaving here is letting him go, and I don't want to let him go.

 

This week has been a bad week. I've spent pretty much every day crying, then came home and drank. Not much, just one drink before bed, but still, I have drank every night this week.

 

I find myself literally forgetting how to do things lately. I guess that's normal in times of extreme stress like this.

 

I am going to try my hardest to get through the weekend without messaging him. Weekends are hard. But he wants time apart, I really need to give it to him. If he messages me I will answer. But I am trying so hard not to be the clingy ex.

 

I miss him so much. All I can do is cry.

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So, I am at my new house now, unpacking, organizing things, etc. I went to the store and got groceries. And since my stove doesn't work yet (power issue) I got myself a salad from the store and a small bag of chips.

 

Came back home, unpacked a few things... started finding all this stuff of Aaron's mixed in with my stuff. Sat down to eat, alone, cried... this is my first meal in the new house. And I'm sitting here all by myself. The realization came to me that this is how it will be for a while now.

 

And when I was eating I heard a car pull in my driveway. For a split second I thought maybe it was Aaron. I thought maybe he was reconsidering things and came to see me. It wasn't. That kind of thing only happens in the movies. I don't even know who it was. I think they were just turning around.

 

But I'm still going strong without contacting him. I wonder if he even noticed.

 

[video=youtube;bjyGkvNUtRU]

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I have exercised for the last three days in a row. I did Yoga on Monday, then went for a run last night, then tonight did Yoga again.

 

I went out to the Art studio tonight and organized it. It was depressing. I just can't get back into painting.

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Great... I guess I owe almost a grand in taxes. Don't know how this can be right, since I didn't make any changes last year, and I have additional withholdings taken out of every paycheck. I've always gotten about a grand back. Now suddenly I owe that... and without any significant changes either. Something isn't right here.

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I got up and went to church. The sermon was a good one this morning. It was about doors we are all afraid to go though, both real and metaphorically.

 

I got up to go to the bathroom and saw Kitty sitting in the second row off to the left. This was a bad thing to see. I don't even want to deal with her on my best day, let alone a day like today.

 

After the service I was trying to find a place to go and hide so she wouldn't come up and talk to me. But that's easier said than done. There was a crowd of people around me and it was hard to just leave tactfully. Then when I thought she was gone and I relaxed a little... she came right up behind me and told me she knows we have our differences but she hopes it won't keep me from coming to church there. Uh... I've been going there for a month and this is the first I've seen her. Idk... when I see someone in public I have differences with I just don't bother talking to them. And I am really glad she didn't ask me about Aaron... I know she would be jumping for joy if she knew we were currently not in a relationship.

 

And speaking of Aaron... him and I were texting all morning after I got back from church. He had a job interview on Friday. I was so happy to hear that. I hope he gets a job for a lot of reasons. For one, with no job he can't afford therapy, which he needs. Also, having a job will make him feel better about himself. He also said he wanted to have a job before we could get back together.

 

I finally asked him the question I've been wanting to ask him. He talks about how he wants to get back together but is afraid it won't happen. I asked him what he is so afraid of. He said he's scared we will drift apart and stay that way... or that one of us will meet someone else. I told him I don't plan on dating anyone else right now. It wouldn't be fair to bring anyone else into my life while I'm still in love with him. And I told him we don't have to drift apart if we don't want to.

 

He told me he thinks it would be good for me to date someone else because then I will realize that other people out there will treat me well. I told him I already know that. Yes, there are plenty of people out there who will treat me well. But I don't want anyone else. I want him.

 

We agreed to Skype on his birthday. I am going to see if he wants to hang out with me at the festival.

 

Tomorrow I am going into the studio again. I have some really good ideas to get started on, and a few old ones to finish.

 

I went today to buy a table for the studio... but I had to wait because the box wouldn't fit in my Mom's car. So I will have to do without a table this week. It's all good though.

 

When I got home Michael S. messaged me and we had a really good talk. I was really glad to hear from him.

 

I cried a lot today... but it had it's good points too.

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I think in saying you can date, he's saying (or at least thinking) he can date as well.

 

Well he can. We are broken up. As much as it would kill me to see him with someone else, he is going to do what he wants to do.

 

I just wish he would stop contradicting himself. He wants to get back together... but thinks it would be good for me to date someone else. I don't even know.

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I feel completely gutted today... I don't want to do anything but cry. I'm so sick of this... sick of feeling worthless... sick of being lonely... sick of wishing i was dead.

 

And I have to put on my happy face and go to a family gathering.

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Ok... so here shortly I will be calling him for his birthday... I am terrified. It's like I'm bracing myself for a punch in the gut. I don't have any reason to think the call will go bad though... It's just my pessimism.

 

I really hope this goes well.

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  • 4 months later...

Wow... after a week of organic, unprocessed food eating junk food was a mistake. I don't have to officially start my Detox until tomorrow, but I figured I would get a head start on it and start the cleansing process last week. Today, since this is the last day I get to eat anything I want, I went all out and ate movie theater popcorn (something I love.) Huge mistake. I have felt nauseous ever since. I think I'll go munch on some Kale now with a side of raw mango slices.

 

Last year when I drank Ayahuasca, I spent a month prior eating nothing but organic unprocessed food. After my trip, I went back to eating regular food and felt sick for weeks. My ex (who was my boyfriend at the time) blamed it all on the Ayahuasca. He just loved waving that in my face. He gloated about how he told me it would make me sick, oh he knew all along it was a terrible idea, yada yada yada. And at the time I let him think he was probably right. Now though, after the delicious buttery popcorn from hell I ate earlier, I think it was probably the toxic waste we call food that was making me sick for weeks after. Almost wish he was still in the picture so I could tell him he might have been wrong. Oh, the horror. Lol...

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For the past three nights I have dreamt about my ex. Last night it was him telling me how happy his whole family was when we broke up, and how they all knew he deserved better, but were always too nice to say anything. The night before last it was us talking about getting back together. The last time I had any contact with him was April 27th. The last time I looked at any of his social media was March 28, (his birthday.) His birthday was kind of a last straw for me. Seeing all his new female friends that he says he met through board game meetups fawning over him and wishing him a happy birthday. And then him liking and leaving cute comments on all their posts... while my post wishing him a happy birthday got nothing from him. I know this sounds childish... but little things like that are such a slap in the face. And it's not like this started when we broke up. He did things like that when we were together too. But anyway, that's when I vowed to never look at his facebook again. And I haven't.

 

I've also been really emotional the last couple days. It's a combination of a lot of things that has me feeling this way. FOr one my bank screwed up and took not one, but four mortgage payments out of my account over the last two weeks, by mistake. And talking to them to try to resolve it is so frustrating... hold for ten minutes, tell my story to a new person, hold for ten more minutes... Finally this past weekend was the first time I had any money in my bank account for the last two weeks. Thank Gods I have people in my life who were willing to help me out with groceries and stuff. Pretty much all of my utility bills got paid late. The ripple affect something like this has on a person's life is crazy. Because my mind was elsewhere at work Friday night I forgot to fill in a Quantity on a bin I signed off on, and yesterday I got wrote up for it. Of course it also doesn't help that I have been working 60 hours a week.

 

And on top of all that, I also started my detox diet. Man... if there was ever a bad time to be going through detox. But I really have no choice. I have to have a clean body before drinking poison next week, lol.

 

Before my last Ayahuasca trip I had really vivid dreams and was really emotional. I had no idea what was causing it. Now I am pretty sure it's the detox. The detox diet I am on this time is a lot stricter than last year's. Different Shaman, different brew, so of course the detox is different. I'm all for eating healthy. But man... I can only take so much kale. Most healthy food tastes good. But kale is nasty. It's hard to chew. It's bitter. It gets stuck in my teeth. But it is filling, which is more than I can say for other greens.

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Ok apparently I had a visitor last night when I was at work. There is a folded lawn chair on my porch that looks like someone just tossed it there. And my mail was looked through. At least whoever it was didn't get in the house.

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