Silverbirches Healing Journal

[Silverbirch]

Hi Ferna,

I tried posting a link without much luck. This is the second buddhhist organisation I've been to, and I like this one more,partly because it is a much larger group and has more in the way to offer - study classes Monday - Thursday nights at various locations. You only pay each time you go. They have a big centre where they have special events including chanting in English and meditations classes and retreats. The organisation I am now with is Kadampa Buddhism. They have 700 centres around the world. If you Google Kadampa Meditatiion Centre, Monbulk, Australia, you will see the organisation I am with. Really, the meditation is nice and not as difficult as I thought it would be. Please do it.

[Silverbirch]

H finally answered my text this morning. I feel quite humiliated. It took him 5 days to respond saying he has been very busy, the date I asked doesn't suit, but I can come the following Wednesday, to just text him with the time I will be collecting and he will have all my things ready.

 

Please someone post if you are there. At the back of my mind I had a shred that one day he will reconcile, but this is the final nail in the coffin. He has controlled every aspect of the breakup and most of the relationship, and he's carrying that on right to the end. It also seems to pretty much confirm that I've been replaced.

[ferna3069]

silver your a great person you dont need this guy to be happy. him saying he was to busy is an excuse it doesnt take long to answer a text. everything will get better i promise. its best u pick up your things so this guy wouldnt drag u along any longer. just ask yourself this do u want a guy who only cares about what he wants?

[90_hour_sleep]

im happy for you silver. i been wanting to join a buddhist group. i want to be happy all the time and not let all the bad memories bother me.how do u find a group?

 

careful with that one, ferna...

[ferna3069]

careful with that one, ferna...

whats wrong with that 90_hour_sleep

[90_hour_sleep]

Please someone post if you are there. At the back of my mind I had a shred that one day he will reconcile, but this is the final nail in the coffin. He has controlled every aspect of the breakup and most of the relationship, and he's carrying that on right to the end. It also seems to pretty much confirm that I've been replaced.

 

oh silver...

 

what a helplessly painful feeling...such an anxious void of loss.

 

you sent some energy my way last week. and it's my turn to send some back your way. don't run. you don't have to be strong...but be courageous. be here. sometimes all you can do is be curious about your own pain. and with a bit of gentleness...embrace that aspect of your experience.

 

i think these painful experiences are what awaken tenderness within us. and the world could do with a bit more of that. there's always a choice. open to that vulnerable feeling of softness...or harden yourself against it.

 

i think you already have opened to it (at least...that's the vibe i get). it's the way to truly connect with others. be in touch with that tenderness. because we've ALL felt it...but very few of us feel safe enough to embrace it...to let it be seen. if you're at home with it...you inspire it in others.

[90_hour_sleep]

whats wrong with that 90_hour_sleep

 

i don't think there's anything wrong with it, ferna.

 

let me ask you this...

 

if you had to choose between happiness, and peace...which would you choose?

[ferna3069]

i don't think there's anything wrong with it, ferna.

 

let me ask you this...

 

if you had to choose between happiness, and peace...which would you choose?

happiness or peace? i would choose happiness because peace is not that easiest to acomplish

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Ferna,

I know that when his ex-wife used to contact him, each of them would take an unnecessary amount of time to reply to both annoy each other and because it made each of them feel in control. I don't need this in my life anymore. He was the one who during his cowardly breakup made a big deal about how he wanted to remain friends - on his terms at least. He certainly has not been a friend. I know he treats his other "friends" much better than this. He made certain not to respond to "I hope you are well" or reciprocate the curtesy - a case of not saying anything speaking volumes more. At the breakup, he told me what a selfish, self-centred person I am, seemed to forget I shared my car with him for a year, and even used up some of my annual leave taking care of his children and loads of other things.

 

I suppose this most recent email is the kick up the bum I have needed to say MOVE ON, FORGET HIM.

 

I probably will get my things on that evening simply because I do not want to engage in any game-playing with him. If it is so important for him to call the final shots, then so be it. I will only see him very briefly when I collect my things, and then will never see him again. It was even worse with my ex ex - the humiliating way he treated me, you'd think I would have gotten used to it, but it hurts again.

 

Right now, it feels like I will never be able to love again or get over this.

[ferna3069]

thats how you feel right now but then you get some one to treat you like a queen and u will be happier then you ever been. your an amazing person silver so dont let this ruin you. if he doesnt want to be friends so be it there is better people out there anyways. i know how you feel though. my ex also promised me a friendship. she cried when i told her i wasnt sure about it and then bam she ignores me. im right there with u. and him saying your self centerd is a way to make himself feel better

[Realitynut]

Well mine never even said he wanted to be friends!!! Last yr . when he was with her, and would leave me msgs., he would say "and you know I will always love you" Past tense, and I was looking for " I do love you".

 

I looked at my phone bill June 23 ( our 4 yr. ann, if we would have been together) and saw that the last time he listened to his cell msg. was June 11 (ugh, the day we were to be married), and he only listened for 1 min. and again later for 4 min. That was because I was suppose to be coming up that wk. end to collect only a van load of my stuff. He wanted to know what day. But I had probably 20 min. of v.mails on his phone, and he only listened a total of 5?? I figured mosty to erase.

I sent him a txt saying Happy father's day from pup, and another txt on July 5 saying that was the night he got down on his knees and proposed. does he even remember, or think about it? or care?

 

I know the answer! He told me, that when he got with me, he never even thought of his past girlfriends, but when he was with her, he thought of me.

But I then know what happened. When He got back with me, he thought of her.

 

90----I'd rather be happy, then peaceful. Peaceful seems settling. I want MORE than peace. I want the joy, the exitement, the happiness....if it has some crabby times....I can handle it....of course I want to be the crabby one. i don't want to be crabbed AT!!! And therein lies the difference. Poor dan got crabbed at, and thought he couldn't please me. He said , like Ferna, that he wanted to be happy ALL the time. I'd settle for most, if I had extreme happiness, extreme joy, extreme loving feeling. I guess I was the roller-coaster. Peaceful just seems boring. Like sitting in the rocking chair and watching t.v.

 

I'll tell you what I had with him, that I want with someone else. I laughed so hard I peed my pants. Not just once. I would look at him, when he was swimming, or doing something athletic, or working hard at something, and I'd feel so much pride towards him . I was proud of him. But he wasn't proud of me.

 

That's what I want again. And at 56, who's to say I will ever get it? Unlike others on here, my ex never treated me like dirt until the final year. then started all the lies, all the stringing me along, throwing me in jail for NO REASON...me sleeping in HIS bed, while he traveled to sleep in HER bed the same night---now that is sick. That is humiliation. Why do I stll love him. It hurts so much to think of the good times, but it hurts even more to think of the things he did to me...hoping that I WOULD END IT, SO HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE THE BAD GUY AND DO IT! But I would never let go.

 

S.B. what did your ex say or do to tell you it was over. do you know he has another? How long were you together. did you live together? or only have a few items at his place? You can tell me everything and anything on my journal....or pm me. C and p

[Silverbirch]

Hey Thanks Ferny! You will meet someone really nice one day too.

 

Hey Carla, will pm you. Yes, did live together, but I moved away a year ago because he was having a lot of problems with his teenage daughter. I thought if I moved out they might be able to work things out. She liked me, and use to proudly introduce me to people as her "StepMum". She never got over her parents divorce though. He had a very volatile relationship with his daughter. She's as stubborn as he is, and he had very high expectations of her. She felt unloved by him. When I moved out, things actually got much worse between them very quickly, and he sent her back to live with her mother. They haven't spoken since and she has disowned him. He cries about this, and says he is devastated, but he is so convinced he is right about everything and won't even compromise with her. It's torn up the whole family because since then, she now no longer speaks to anyone in his family, and her parents hate each other even more. The plan was that he was going to spend 2 years with her (it was my suggestion), they would work things out, and then from what she said and her age, and she's very clever, she would be off studying something. She has the capacity to do anything she wants. After she had flown the nest, the plan we had was that we were going to buy a house together. After she disowned him, he got sick from the stress and ended up in hospital, then other bad things happened to him in his career and money and health are big problems for him.

 

Carla, my partner did use to treat me like a queen. It was only in fairly recent times, in the last couple of months, and then from the time he said he wanted a break, that he treated me differently. This also coincided with him being told something terrible the daughter and ex-wife were saying about him, which he took very, very badly, turning 50, and the other things I mentioned.

 

Carla, re turning 56, I'm not too far behind you, and from what I can make out, it looks as though a lot of people are still meeting people they fall in love with even at the old folks home. LOL. I have this feeling you might be a glamorous 55 anyway. Just don't keep eating too much peanut butter!

 

I don't actually know for certain if there is another woman. He hasn't told me. Some of my friends say they think that is in my head, others say they think there might be. I don't know, but it has been something I've worried about. To me, he was just what I wanted and so I guess I think other women will want him too.

[Realitynut]

To me it sounds as if he's going through a tramatic period in his life...and turning 50 does that to a guy I guess. If he doesn't have another woman, the chances of getting back with you are great....in my mind...but what do I know! Are you sure he knows you care? Maybe he thinks you've abandoned him like his daughter did? Maybe he blames you for her leaving him. As if she loved you MORE than HIM, and when you left, maybe she didn't care about living with him anymore? Maybe you smoothed out his rough edges and played referee between the two.?

 

My ex had 2 boys move home with him last year. One in May (from prison) and one in June with 2 small Children. He met her June 25. Our 3 yr. ann was June 23 and he knew he was proposing to me. Just too much happening at once, and he was able to run off to her, and be in HER big fancy house, away from me, and his financially draining kids!

 

I'ts almost 4 in the afternoon. I had no massages or hair to do today. "He" had off today, and if I was with him, and since the weather is so hot, we would have gone to Lake Michigan with pup. Lake Michigan is so huge, it looks like the ocean.

 

But he's with her, and her boat on her lake....wwaaaggghhh! I'm sitting her in my swimsuit. I thought maybe I would go to the pool. but don't have the energy. Plus I'm looking fat. I made food for this picnic I had with this guy. (old) so I have lots of potato salad...ummmm....fattening...I guess I'll go eat some of that!!! lol

 

I just gave pup a bath yest. and I let her outside...she must have rolled in something, cuz now she's laying next to me STINKING! I am so depressed. I'm thinking about getting back on my anti-depressants but I hear they cause weight gain!!! OH NO!!

 

I wish I was with him...there is an old saying..I can't think of it...If wishes were.................................I'd be rich! I hate feeling this way. It's the worst I've ever felt in my whole life. I had been empty in my love life when I was married, but I had a home I loved, a yard I loved, and kids I loved most of the time! lol Now I have nothing. My kids are gone. The youngest pops in once and a while to look in the fridge, and get on my computer....but that's all. I have my stinky dog.

 

doesn't he know how much I had loved him? doesn't he know what he's done to me? or does he just not care? I think that is it. Honey, they just don't care anymore. they have moved on and can't understand why we haven't. someone mentioned they have "pity" for us, and that was wrong. Yes, I think dan pitied me. He told me to quit wallowing....then asked me "when are you going to pay me back that $2,400!!! I said, stick it up your *ss...I still can't believe he would dumpt me, then expect me to pay him money on a timeshare we bought together....after all the work I put into "our" house and "our" yard.

 

Enough ramblings....see, I don't need my own thread, when I have yours!!! lol c and p

[rkw]

Hey Silver, just wanted to pop on and let you know I'm still reading your journal and thinking about you often. I'm really sorry your ex's slack attitude to responding to you has upset you, for whatever reason the delay the might be. I hope that your new visualisations will help you get through this latest upset and keep going forward.

 

Lots of Love-R xxx

[Realitynut]

rkw, I think Silver has taken a break from here, and I can't blame her! I would too, if I had anything else in my life!

 

S.B. we are all thinking of you. When you pop back in here, we want you to know that we care!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs RKW Carla,

You are both very kind. Sorry I haven't posted here for some time. I was upset about my ex, but also on another post on this forum, somebody posted that they have read my posts and that I don't appear to be improving, and that I should take some time away from ENA. Also, I just got sick to death of a couple of posters here who I believe actually are sadists but try to disguise their motives saying their mean postings are aimed at helping people. One of the worst offenders never even met their "ex" - it was entirely an online relationship. I suppose the risk you take in posting on the internet is that a person can be at a very vulnerable point and post about something which is very painful to be responded to in ways where their motives are questionable.

 

Anyway, since I last posted, I emailed the ex back saying the date he proposed was not suitable for me, that I am going away (which is sort of true), and will email him when I am "back on board" to propose some dates which might suitable for both of us. I was surprised to get a much more prompt reply saying that he will make himself available on any date and time I propose. I've chosen not to try to analyse that.

 

I've continued to be up and down, but the biggest help I've had has been through reading a book called "From Abandonment to Healing". It really has made a difference and helping me to come to terms with the situation.

 

Oh, I had the Botox a week ago, and very happy with the results. It has been worth the money. I'm also having some other non-surgical rejuvenation which I'm told by the doctor will have a nice result also. I've booked myself in for a workshop evening with a stylist which might be fun LOL!

 

I'm certainly enjoying my reduced working hours and catching up on much needed sleep catching up on jobs at home, getting about a little, etc

 

My ego got a bit of a boost today when I was told that a man I have been acquainted with for over 10 years is very interested in me. I'm a bit shocked as I think he is quite a catch! I'm not interested in pursuing anything other than friendship with anyone right now, but I've been "friends" with him for a long time and can continue that way. I really had my ex on such a pedestal, and this book is helping me understand and accept so many things.

 

Even my ex nows he is a snob. He refers to himself as "an academic and intellectual", and I think he really just has his head stuck up his a$$$. This friend who apparently likes me makes my ex look somewhat retarded as he is so much more intellectually achieved than my ex - he was a scientist, but went back and gained a doctorate in law. He's become very successful and well-known in his field since I've known him, and yet he is so much more down to earth than my ex = and maybe even better looking! He's also a person who has a good affinity with animals, and is well-liked by other friends of mine. I'm pretty much certain that with my ex, there is a DEFINITE element of GIGS. That's fine. I know I don't want to be anybody's second option.

 

I don't care what anyone thinks. When I get my remaining belongings from his place, I want him to see me face to face. I'm going to look my best and be my best. I'm certainly not going to cry, lose my dignity or become emotional. Part of me is looking forward to having all my things back here and taking him back the things of his own which he left here. Then I can fully move on and heal.

 

I hope you are all doing well. Hugs.

[elcie]

Hi silver, I like your choice of avatar.....It reflects the positive turn your life is takng,,,,it's been great to read that you are doing well

 

Best wishes and hugs, Elcie

[Silverbirch]

Hey Thanks Elcie,

Only a week to go and it's Fabrizzio's!!!!

[elcie]

They've posted some photos of their last dinner and it's good to see that the table is inside and just near an open fire. It looks beautiful and it's good to know we wont have to rug up like we were last wondering (and fearing!)

[chitown9]

Hi Silver, just want to let you know that the He has a thread about many booiks he recommends that he just put out recently. You can locate his profile andhis threads and find that particular one. It sounds like things are looking up for you and I am sincerely happy for you...chi

[Silverbirch]

Hi Elice,

Good to hear about the fireplace! I was thinking we might be very cold too! Will have a look at the pics.

 

Thanks Chi. I'm so glad you recommended that book to me. It's made all the difference. I hope things are going well in both your worlds too.

[Realitynut]

Well, I guess I'm going to be the only one who comments on the "new guy" possibility! They always say, you should start out as friends!! And he's interested in YOU! You got it half way there! Handsome? Inteligent? Thoughtful and kind? (of course he is, or he wouldn't be your friend) what else does a woman need??? lol

 

My sis wasn't attracted to her husband at the beginning, even tho he was crazy over her. He soon won her over. i think the sex helped!!! lol

 

I'm so glad you gave us an update. I don't plan on going to pick up my stuff until next June. I thought about dec. for my winter coats...but the last 2 nights I have wanted to call him soo badly, but of course I don't. I'm still just eating and sleeping my nights and days away! To fat now to even waddle out to dance!!! ( I hope you know I'm joking...kinda)

 

It's been extremely hot and humid here in the midwest of the U.S. And I think my room airconditioner just broke tonight when I got home. it's been making noice for the last 2 days.

 

So SB. while you get botox and look all HOT and SEXY for you NEW beau, I'll sit here in my crappy apt., and swelter from the heat....all hot and SWEATY!!

 

Don't be a stranger....we'll keep all the bad guys out of our threads!!! haha

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla,

Well firstly I want to say that the other night, I wrote one of those letters to my ex - the ones which you never ever send. I wrote about the things he has done to hurt me, especially just prior to, during and after the breakup, and the way he has gone about the breakup. I told him how I had thought he was my best friend and love of my life - the most wonderful person I knew. However, the way he has handled the breakup has shown me a very different side to his personality which I never dreamed existed. I wrote about something else he has been doing in the relationship for a long time which has been hurting me, which he knows of, but refuses to acknowledge that as hurtful and disrespectful even though most other would and do.

 

A strange thing has happened - it's as though my feelings for him have numbed almost into non-existence. After I wrote that letter, I cried so much. I've been having chest pains since the "break" and "breakup", quite bad too, and on both sides of my chest. I've had various types of physical symptoms, and it's like I am switching off to any further hurt from him.

 

I'm changing. This breakup will likely turn out to be a very good thing for me in many ways. I'm learning to be a lot more self-reliant, especially in meeting my own emotional needs. I'm working at becoming the person I was always meant to be. NO MORE will I be with men who rip out my heart and stomp on it. NO MORE will I settle for being second best.

 

I'm not rushing into any relationship with anyone, but I was also a bit stunned tonight to realise that I have been acquainted with this other man for at least 15 years!!!!! I knew he liked me, but I thought that was a sort of you know, just general fondness, though he has said things to me once about him thinking I am gorgeous - mind you - that was probably 10 years ago!!!! From what he is saying to our mutual friend, and what she is saying he has said in the past which I didn't know about - she was once interested in him, but thought he had a thing for me!!!! LOLOLOL I'm just so flattered to think that somebody like him really likes me because at the end of this, and at the end of my previous relationship, I felt like nobody would even feel attracted to me, let alone love me ever ever again, and that I will never be able to love again, but there is genuine realisation and acceptance, that this won't be the case. I WILL love again, but I am becoming wiser, thank God, and I believe I have learnt things and will be able to make better choices.

 

I'm not letting the ex hurt me anymore. I'll be glad to get my things back. If he does try and hurt me when I see him, I'm not going to get emotional. I'll just tell him that everything worked out for the best, that I've moved on and wish him well - even if when I say it, I am faking it to make it, I WILL SAY THAT.

 

Oh Carla, my friend lives quite some distance away - though my friend seems to think he would move if there were developments. I'd just like to continue as things are, but maybe develop the friendship slowly. Oh Carla, he is funny and so so smart, but very down-to-earth and my friend says he is very much the romantic type, and insists he'd be good for me and that we would be right for each other and so happy, LALALALA. She SO wants us to get together its hilarious! I'm not sure if I would say he is what most women would describe as good-looking - he's attractive in his own way I would say, but most women WOULD say that he is more attractive than my ex. I'd have to keep my eyes open though. As I know him, he once told me that a quirk of lawyers is that they love to argue and that it becomes a sort of game to them, but I don't have to play games anymore and I can "know the devil". He told me he was in relationships with 2 other women over the years who were also lawyers and they all played the arguing game with each other. I'm no intellectual, but I hope that especially as time goes by that I can develop more and more practical intelligence, and just not take an s#### from anyone, especially men.

 

Hey that reminds me, I'm also REALLY liking that book "Why Men Love B's"!! Anyone else here reading it.

 

 

HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, HUGS, xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Realitynut]

I'm so excited for you!!! Maybe i an live my life vicariouslly (sp?) through you! He sounds like a good catch, and he has had a "thing" for you for 15 years!!! wow!!! But you see, he has dated other lawyers, that is what caused them to argue...lol...too much alike! Now that you are calm, cool and collected, and he adores yu soo much, there will be nothing to argue about! I was more of an arguer. (o.k. alot) and all he did was shut down, which caused me to argue more. No, I take that back. He liked to debate also. I once said we were both stubborn and wouldn't back down. But I raised my voice and he didn't. so He thought I argued, and he thought he didn't....so thought he was perfect.

 

see, you can't move on, until you are over ex. And becoming interested in someone else, helps you move on MUCH quicker!! hehe

 

I can't tell you how happy I am for you! You are such a great catch. I wish I was half the woman you are! Ex didn't deserve you.

 

How far away is this new guy? Take it slow. He's waited for 15 years, he can wait a few more months while you sort things through....but at least he can take you out to eat, hold your hand, and make you feel desirable and beautiful again. You don't need botox, (unless of course it REALLY helped...lol) you are naturally beautiful! I wish I could afford a face lift, a tummy tuck, and a hypnotist to erase "him" from my mind!!! Then I'd be ready to face the world. (Oh, I also need to have more customers, live in a better house, and have better self-esteem...THEN I'd be ready to face the world...lololol)

 

You sound as if a new world of possibilities has opened it's door to you! Ready to step through it???? Good Luck sweetie, you're ready!!!

[Silverbirch]

LOL Carla, you are very sweet. Actually, the Botox was no big deal. I found it almost painless - about as uncomfortable as plucking eyebrows. It cost $300 which I thought was okay - that was for forehead and eyes. It's definitley made a difference according to friends and my own opinion, especially as all of the crying I did was so ageing. It feels good to have that erased - even if only temporary. Still, I think that even when the Botox wears off, my eyes won't look as bad as they did on account of all of that crying which has now subsided.

 

My ex says he wants to be friends with me, but I'm scratching my head trying to think of ONE single thing he has done in at least 4 months that a friend would do for another friend. Sounds to me that he would just like to keep me on a string in case he has some use for me further down the track - no thanks, and you know what they say "It pays to be choosey about who you have as friends and the company you keep". Friend lives a long way away, but I'm told is thinking of relocating, and spending some time out my way in the next couple of months.

 

Oh Carla, nothing may come of it, it just feels so nice to know somebody likes me like that. I felt so unloved, unloveable and discarded at the breakup and the things he did following it. It's hard not to take on some of it even when it's obvious the other person has big problems, not just with me, but with everyone around them. To say I appear to be getting over him much more quickly now seems an understatement. I'm actually feeling grossed out by him now when reminded of some of the things he did in the last 4 months. If he showed up on my doorstep tomorrow asking me to take him back (that's very unlikely anyway), I would say NO.

 

Hope you are keeping well Carla. You are sounding better. You put yourself down, but I would be surprised if you are not beautiful.