Silverbirch Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Thought I'd just get in on the act. Seen some others here who have done this, and they seem to be gettinng on with things and making a success of their lives, and I'm hoping I can do the same. It's been around 3 months since he said he wanted "a break to think things through". I was shocked at the time, but as soon as he said those words, I knew he wanted to break up. He had been very depressed about other things in his life -big things, and he turned 50 that week, and from what he said to me and things he did with regard to the birthday party his family arranged for him, turning 50 was something he wasn't dealing well with. I don't want to go into the details again, it's too painful, suffice to say that he did indeed end the relationship. I have spent 3 months crying, most of it like a baby. Yesterday was the first day in 3 months I got through the day without crying. I used some thought stopping techniques to manage this. My eyes did moist up a few times today, but I stopped myself through vanity. I'm one of those women who generally takes a deal of pride in my appearance, and the way I look - well I hate it. I feel as though I look so much older, but enough is enough. I'm going to stop this right now. I know I lost myself in this relationship, and need to be grateful that I now have an opportunity to get myself back. I've reconnected with friends, my faith, started dance classes, have my ponies, my lovely Mum who although she lives in another state, I know is always here with me. I have a reasonable job. Took up a management position in December, and hoping to get into government at the end of this year, where I will have more opportunities, a LOT more pay and an extra 3 weeks leave a year. I'm trying to save to go to Bali at the end of this year. Last weekend, I accidentally called my ex on my mobile phone. I hadn't broken NC, and I felt like I was losing it afterwards. As soon as I heard his voice, I apologised saying I was sorry I had called the wrong number. I hadn't said it was me, but he recognised my voice and gushed with "It's so wonderful to hear your voice" He wanted to know what I had been up to etc. I tried to be as brief as I could, but was polite, and ended the conversation politely. I did ask how he was. He just said he was well, but didn't volunteer much. He did seem to want to know what I was doing. Anyway, that set up a whole mess in my head. I began overanalysing and obsessing, and I know now, I can't have any further contact with him. I've started going back to my buddhist group where I have some nice friends and it helps me a lot. I'm going tonight. I wish the group met more regularly. Ideally, I'd like to go once or twice a week, but there just aren't that many meetings. The people are kind and happy and fun to be with. Well today I didn't have to work. It's winter here in Melbourne. Very cold for us and my heating isn't working in my living area. Freezing cold. I just did my housework. In the first few weeks, I clearly couldn't keep up with it and work at the same time and barely ate. Now I'm eating much better. Initially lost quite a lot of weight, but stable now. Today, I gave my hair and face a treatment and looks a lot better. I'm planning on having Botox in the next few weeks, as the break-up and crying really has messed my face and my confidence and self-esteem have taken a battering. People I work with are lovely. Of course, I don't talk much about it at work, but they often do sweet things for me. A lady bought me a lovely pair of crystal earrings and I've been putting on the bling. One of the young guys who is a bit like a right hand person in managing the workplace was talking to me about his own breakup a couple of days ago, and read me lyrics of a song he has written. I couldn't help tearing over, and even though he had finished work, he stayed for quite some time and we chatted about different things. Yesterday at work, he came to me with an email he had received about a pay query, and we found out that we are not being paid correctly. Management have found a way to get around paying us 10% less than what they have led us to believe they will pay us for having an extra qualification and duty. I cracked it and sent off an email to several managers about it, and have asked who the deciding body or individual would be in this matter as I would like to liaise with them, and urge them to reconsider the matter. I gave them some very good reasons why they should be paying us the 10%. I've let all the staff know that I'm going to be strong about this. I don't think I've got much to lose as I'll be earning more when I move on anyway. We are all just jacked at being exploited like this. I've given my staff a copy of the letter I've sent to the other managers about the pay issue, and they have told me that they are glad that at least I'm doing my best to support them and the workplace. Life right now is mostly about just taking care of myself, my animals and work, although I am having a little time for recreation now. Haven't done anything too exciting, but planning on livening things up in this area in the next couple of months. I'm very grateful to ENA. Have had so much support from here, from both the boards, reading other people's posts, and some lovely people mailing m. Thank you. I hope I have some good news to tell you all soon. xxxxx Link to comment
dramallama Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 It's always a good idea to take care of yourself and treat yourself kindly. Eat right and pamper yourself, as you would a special friend. Link to comment
chitown9 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 It sounds like you will be starting a brand new adventure! I see good things for you. . . Link to comment
rkw Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 I hope I have some good news to tell you all soon. xxxxx I think this is full of good news! You managed to go a whole day without crying (despite the phonecall a few days back), you've reconnected with friends and your faith, your friends are rallying around you and you're focusing on a trip to Bali! Sure, it may not be the "I am so happy and 100% over my ex" news that we'd all like to be able to say, but it's definitely full of positives. And good work with standing up to your employers too, my old place used to do sneaky things like this. Often once it's brought up, they fix it fairly fast because they know the law is on your side. Good luck, and I look forward to reading about your progress Link to comment
ferna3069 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 im happy for you silver. i know how hard it is to get over a love one but we will both get there real soon. and for the job situation and not getting paid what your suppose to be getting paid . im real proud of you.dont let any one walk all over you Link to comment
mouseno4 Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Glad you are feeling better about yourself Silver. Best wishes to you over there. I hear its a little colder in Melbourne than over here. Grab some extra blankets to snug up to. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 Thanks all for the well wishes and encouragement. Oh yes, it's chilly here tonight! Tonight, my buddhist group got cancelled so I went and saw friends. It seems to me that I'm having to change my plans a lot - a lot more than when I was with the ex. I joined a meet-up group last week, and was going to go on a 12km forest walk. The evening before the walk, I went to check the starting time,and the group is now deleted from Meet-Up. Then a friend was going to stay Saturday and she had to cancel. I guess this is part of being single, having to have lots of different options of places to go and things to do. I live outside of Melbourne, and most of the groups meet up in the heart of Melbourne, and this isn't going to be a really viable option for me a lot of the time because of distance so I'm going to need to search around for some more local groups. I am feeling a little lonely right now, and that was playing tricks with my mind before I think. I was really missing the ex earlier in the night - it seemed as though I could hear his voice and feel his warmth. I had a little cry in the car, but I'm serious about it messing with my face. Makes me look UGLY. Link to comment
twitchyfingers Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Hi Silver, I'm so glad you are starting a journal. I found it really helpful to track how I was doing over time. I think you'll see how much progress you are making by having a dedicated journal -- I can see how far you've come just from reading your various threads. One thing about the meetup groups that I'd forgotten until you mentioned it: some of them do dissolve, and there can also be a flake-factor (people not showing up to events). I thought maybe that was an L.A. thing, but I'm guessing it might be a universal problem. Anyway, I've had to sift through a number of groups to find ones that are more solid. And yes, I think you're right about how having shifting plans is part of single life. I hadn't really considered that, since I've been mostly single for a long time, but it IS very different that way than being coupled up. It takes some getting used to -- all the options, and friends sometimes flaking on you, and so on. About the crying thing: I have one of those faces that turns BRIGHT RED, I have blonde eyelashes so my mascara runs off making a raccoon circles and my eyes look like a mole's or something, and I have large nostrils so you know what that means...a disaster! So, take comfort that there is at least one woman on this planet who looks much worse than you when she gets her cry on. At my worst, I would only go out for walks at night, because I was just too self-conscious. So, I feel ya on that one. Hope you are staying warm and cozy in your brrrr winter. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 Thanks Twitch! That's all reassuring. I think that I really need to get out there and be able to lighten up. As I've mentioned before, most, if not all of my friends are real stay-at-homes, and I'm feeling the need to live a life that's a bit more exciting. I just had contact with an ENA member who this is all starting to happen for, and frankly, I'm envious, but hopefully, my turn will come too. About the red eyes and face, I found something in one of my cupboards I've had for a long time and almost forgot about. It doesn't do anything for redness, but defiinitely smooths out lines (temporarily). It's called Essential Eye, and is quite expensive. That's another reason I didn't want to cry - the effect is ruined and the money a waste if that is the case. It's the only thing I know of that really does what it says. I'm not going to be getting a day off work until next week now, so it's head down and just plodding until then. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Hi Again, We had a bit of a situation at work, and I had to stay on after sleeping here for the night. By the time I get away, it will be at least 24 hours I've been on the job. I saw one of my managers today and asked if she got my email about the pay. She claims to be trying to do things from her end, and says she is giving support. This had also made me think about the B/U, and the contribution my job made to it. I mean, it wasn't the only reason, but it definitely placed a lot more stres on me personally, and also my partner who got lonely and bored having me at work so much. I'm a shift worker and I know that it isn't conducive to relationships. Hopefully, after December, things will be better and I will have a much better job. After having done this one for 12 months, that experience should be fairly highly regarded, and I have training opportunities here. Sometimes my ex used to say he was really proud of me for having this job - other times he was peeved off with me because he could see I was stressed, and that the organisation and industry exploits its workers. I've been pretty down. Very sad still about the break up and quite eratic mentally. Since I accidentally called my ex, I find myself hoping that he is going to come back, that we will slowly get back together, having both grown, and that one day we will be happier than ever. The acceptance just isn't coming to me unfortunately. I don't have any intention of breaking NC, but I find myself hoping and praying that he is going to miss me a lot, contact me and say it was all a big mistake. Even though I'm sad, I'm not letting myself cry nearly so much and my face looks a whole heap better. If and when my ex ever sees me again, I don't want him to see me as a mess - I don't want to be a mess. I've also been hunting around on the net, trying to find social groups and things, but so far I haven't found anything that really grabs my interest. I must be looking in the wrong places or something. So looking forward to getting home and having a good sleep. I'm working over the weekend, and Monday which is a public holiday so I will get a good rate of pay for Monday at least. Link to comment
annieperson Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Hi Silver, I enjoy reading your posts. You are always so positive and encouraging when you reply to people's posts. It sounds like you are on the healing path as well. The hardest part for me so far (I have been seperated 8 months) has been getting the energy to get out there and do stuff. I have all the best intentions but the thought of "faking" a smile is exhausting. It has definitely got better since the first few months and I really WANT to get out there and do stuff but I end up getting so worked up about committing to doing something that I cause myself anxiety! Any advice on what steps I should take to get back out there and start living again?? Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Hugs Annie, I'll let you know as soon as I find out. I haven't really gotten out there myself yet. Yesterday, I really felt the urge to do something different and exciting. Out where I live they have hot air ballooning, but when I checked it out, it is way out of my price range - around $400 so that's the end of that. Another thing I have wanted to do for many years is go swim with the dolphins. It's just too cold atm, but I know there are tours, not as expensive as the hot air ballooning where these people take you out in a boat to a place where dolphins go regularly and people get in and swim with them. I've seen pics and it looks awesome. I've been in boats that dolphins have followed and played beside, and I got this amazing feeling of joy. Link to comment
replytome Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Hugs Annie, I'll let you know as soon as I find out. I haven't really gotten out there myself yet. Yesterday, I really felt the urge to do something different and exciting. Out where I live they have hot air ballooning, but when I checked it out, it is way out of my price range - around $400 so that's the end of that. Another thing I have wanted to do for many years is go swim with the dolphins. It's just too cold atm, but I know there are tours, not as expensive as the hot air ballooning where these people take you out in a boat to a place where dolphins go regularly and people get in and swim with them. I've seen pics and it looks awesome. I've been in boats that dolphins have followed and played beside, and I got this amazing feeling of joy. I swam with dolphins last week. It's really nice! They feel like rubber and they're very nice, smart and well trained. I feel like flirting some more with you... My fair lady, please allow a humble man/boy? like myself to accompany you on a hot air balloon ride. My treat, since you'll treat me with your presence. (I'm not so good at this...hmmm) much lovex Link to comment
replytome Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Btw SilverB, let me know if I annoy you. I'm not taking the piss, I've read most of your posts and I just think you are an angel and deserve nothing but the best! Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Hi There Boree, Do we live in the same country? If not, a hot air balloon ride might take some organising! And thank you for the flattery dear man! Link to comment
replytome Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Hi There Boree, Do we live in the same country? If not, a hot air balloon ride might take some organising! And thank you for the flattery dear man! No, but I'm glad to see I'm the memorable kind of guy. I told you in another thread I'm leaving for Oz in 3 weeks. Going to be backpacking for 2 months. I'm doing the east coast from sydney to cairns. I'm giving up, you're obviously not interested and the rejection really hurts... lol, i'm joking. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Sorry Hon, But I live outside Melbourne so I'm a LOOOONG way from where you are going. But it was a very nice thought thank you. Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Hey Boreed, you sound like the kinda guy who has been to lots of good places and done fun things. Have you done some other things you could compare to swimming with dolphins. I'll find the link to the place in Victoria where they go. It isn't a dolphin park/zoo, it's near the ocean and they aren't trained. They are just very clever. Link to comment
replytome Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Sorry Hon, But I live outside Melbourne so I'm a LOOOONG way from where you are going. But it was a very nice thought thank you. Did I mention I'm going from Melbourne to Cairns? Seriously tho, I hope you're doing well and your healing is going along well.x Link to comment
replytome Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Hey Boreed, you sound like the kinda guy who has been to lots of good places and done fun things. Have you done some other things you could compare to swimming with dolphins. I'll find the link to the place in Victoria where they go. It isn't a dolphin park/zoo, it's near the ocean and they aren't trained. They are just very clever. Well I suggest skydiving for one and bungee jumping! I rode a camel a week ago? Kind of boring though but it was in the middle of the arabian desert which was pretty cool. Long way away from civilization. There should be loads for you to do in Oz, no? Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Thanks Boreed. You perked me up! Link to comment
replytome Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 link removed That looks really cool! You should do it! Experiencing these things really does help to give perspective. Trust me. Link to comment
replytome Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Thanks Boreed. You perked me up! I'm glad I could be of service, pretty lady... now get out and enjoy life to the fullest! Link to comment
Silverbirch Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Lol, I've riden a camel too, and I agree, not all that exciting, but I would like to ride an elephant - one of those which is made up ornately . . . but not if it's cruel to the elephant. Not sure how I feel about skydiving, and bungee jumping, not for me. This looks good, something I should try, horse riding on a beautiful deserted beach: link removed Link to comment
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