Silverbirches Healing Journal

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Kev, check your email! LOL You can probably ride better than I can!! Hey you are doing great!!! An inspiration to me.

 

I'm feeling a bit more levelled today. They taught us something at the meditation class which I've been tryiing and will learn more about and practice. It's related to healing meditatioins - visualising sending and receiving love. This isn't just to partners or exes but to also strangers!!! It is relaxing and I've fallen asleep doing it. Have to get ready to go out soon. Please stay in touch. Hugs xxxx

[Kev0s1983]

your lovely missy!!

 

I must contest your oppinion I can ride better than you however, thats just insane!! having a beer and eating some warmed up roast dinner after having a few beers in the city with a friend. No more beer this week!! Well, until wednesday where I have to cope with the lunatic once more...

 

Keep happy

 

Kx

[Silverbirch]

LOL, be careful of those lunatics! Went to the Italian-speaking pizza night. The people were nice. It was good to hear the language and to try to speak a little. I'll probably meet up with them agian in around 2 weeks or so. I wouldn't say it was anything to rave about, but glad I went. Gotta get up really early for work. Wish I didn't. It's cosy here right now. Nitey night. xxx

[Realitynut]

Oh SB. if I could be like you, Dan would never,ever have left me!! I'ts almost 4 in the afternoon, and I'm sitting on the couch in my bathrobe, drinking coffee. I'm thinking about getting up and spending some money I don't have! You paid big bucks to get your hair done, and I'm thinking about buying a fly swatter!!! lol. I've never bought a fly swatter in my entire life!!! I guess I've never been alone before, or didn't care about the flies that got in the house.

 

Like you all know, this is the wk, he proposed to me last yr. so feeling esp. down. Plus on this "free" dating site. I met a guy last night...uhhhggg. He was dancing with a girl when I got there, and she seemed really into him. I wanted to leave, and say, "here, she can have you"! He was a widower, liked to dance like me. But didn't like to dance LIKE me. If you know what I mean. The night I met Dan, it was at an outside festival, and we danced perfectly together. I thought "wow, someone I can dance with, like I do my sister, and we dance exactly the same way...he most be OLD! "" That really was my "thoughts". I enjoyed myself so much I kissed him. So the awkwardness of kissing was over.

 

You have so many friends S.B. and are so personable, OF COURSE those people are all going to be friendly and like you...what's not to like??? Your ex is the loser,,,,big time.

 

I went for ex-husband of 20 years to Dan. I haven't dated in 24 years, since I was 31. Ex husband proposed after 4 wks, and we were married in 10 months. Then couldn't stand him for the next 20. I wish I would have known what was out there...maybe I could have been nicer, maybe not. Like I said, I'm afraid I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I'm one of those lunatics. lol

 

But I wasn't always horrible. Usually I was nice. Wish he could have loved all of me.

 

Reading about your tear on the plane made me cry. It's been 3 months for me. I've cried everyday. I still can't believe he (your guy) won't be coming back to you. Mine did, then left. Of course he never gave "her" up either. I miss him so much. My family left for Wisconsin. The state we were born, and where ex lives. I have 2 guys who are interested in going out. one is much younger (late 40's I think) and his wife died last fall. The other is 51 and a runner. but his pic is quite good looking. Dark hair and dark mustache, and beautiful teeth. All the same as EX. Bad aren't I?

 

Well, I'm glad you got your hair done and are looking beautiful. You don't need botox!!

 

I bought a new necklace and earings yesterday. All my jewelry is still with him!!! Can you imagine?? All my winter coats too, so I will have to see him come winter. What really irritates me, is the comforter on his bed is mine!! I bought it just before I met him, and them put it on his bed...and she's sleeping on it. The decorative pillows are mine too!! I can't imagine moving....you guys have heard all the stuff I have there. Grandfathers clock, couch, marble top table, other victorian tables, big curio cabinets, dressers, a 14'x 17' ft rug, my porch swing, all his dishes are mine, all the fancy glasswear, and bake wear, all the christmas decor...everything...almost every picture in his whole house. The last message he left was, "could you not take the pictures off the wall, until you get the moving van?" can you believe it....I'm sorry, this should be on my thread....just still hurting so very much. I wish I was as strong as you SB. I won't even tell you what I just got done eating....you will yell at me....lol!

 

I think that is the other reason I'm upset, I've gain over 10 pounds in the last 2 months. my clothes are getting so tight on me, and I'm looking ugly again!

 

I'm so proud of you S.B. You should be very proud of yourself...you will find someone who loves and adores you. Go back to that ritzy salon and have someone hook you up with one of those "beautiful" people. (handsome, money, who adores you and flies you around the world just to wine and dine you! yay)

[Silverbirch]

Hi Carla,

Thank you for all your kind words and encouragement. Please don't put yourself down Carla. However, it does sound as though you are getting better. It's good to hear you bought yourself some jewellry. I think at some point you should go get all your things from his place so that you can make your own home nice, and of course get your jewellry from him too.

 

Well as you likely know, I was hoping that eventually he will come back, that he will be sorted out and the things he said and the way he behaved around the breakup were due to midlife crisis and depression. I have to accept though that this may not be the case, that he will never come back and find or already has found happiness with somebody else. I really can't even think about being with somebody else right now.

 

Things are panning out at work. I had a big, big day there and was informed that the change in my position at work was due to overall organisational restructure and that the same thing will happen to other workers - they are reducing a tier of management and that the admin tasks I was doing will be taken over by a person who is already doing that job at another facility - she will now have 2 facilities to manage (with no increase in pay).

 

Sorry if I'm repeating myself, but it looks as though I can restructure my hours so that I get more money and more days off through being able to pick up penalty rates. Of course so much work stress will be gone. I felt very touched yesterday when one of the workers butted into a meeting to inform management people about some very positive changes which came about through me. I signed the paperwork yesterday to officially step down from that role. My immediate manager came to visit me yesterday saying that she was very unhappy about what has happened, that the decision was made while she was on a couple of days of compassionate leave. The decision was made by one manager at the top level who she believes used no consultation and is getting a reputation for making impulsive decisions. My immediate manager has also offered to give me a good reference should I wish to apply for other jobs and has suggested that I apply for work in case management as she feels I have good skills and experience in working positively with families. It would mean that I could work 9-5 and have weekends off - a way of life I have not known for many years, and this certainly did bring some problems into my previous relationship. I'll wait until I feel more settled in myself before making any decisions.

 

Anyway, take care. Bye for now. xxxxx

[90_hour_sleep]

Hugs Kev, check your email! LOL You can probably ride better than I can!! Hey you are doing great!!! An inspiration to me.

 

I'm feeling a bit more levelled today. They taught us something at the meditation class which I've been tryiing and will learn more about and practice. It's related to healing meditatioins - visualising sending and receiving love. This isn't just to partners or exes but to also strangers!!! It is relaxing and I've fallen asleep doing it. Have to get ready to go out soon. Please stay in touch. Hugs xxxx

 

sounds a bit like 'Tonglen'....

[Silverbirch]

Hi 90. I've never heard the term "Tonglen" before. Can you tell me something about it. I had been involved with a small group who practised a form of Japanese Buddhism, but recently joined in with a group which teaches Buddhism more closely based around Tibetan tradition.

[90_hour_sleep]

Hi 90. I've never heard the term "Tonglen" before. Can you tell me something about it. I had been involved with a small group who practised a form of Japanese Buddhism, but recently joined in with a group which teaches Buddhism more closely based around Tibetan tradition.

 

here's an excerpt from ''the tibetan book of living and dying''...

 

''...the Tonglen practice of giving and receiving is to take on the suffering and pain of others, and give them your happiness, well-being, and peace of mind.''

 

the practice is centered around breathing meditation. often it's focussed on those closest to you initially. but with practice...it's even suggested that the practice be extended to one's 'enemies' as well. can you imagine if the world as a whole embraced such a practice?

 

sounds like an interesting group. how did you get involved?

[Silverbirch]

Hi 90, well I have also read the "Tibetan Book of Living and Dying", but not for a while and I forget a lot of what I read. I always had an interest in buddhism, strangely, even as a Catholic school girl. My mother still has a wooden buddha which I gave her when I was 14 or 15. Anyway, around 5 years ago, I read that book, something I had always meant to read. Certainly, it was life-changing. Then by "co-incidence", I ran into a very old friend I hadn't seen for a long time. She was working as a sales assistant in a store I happened to go into. I can't quite remember why, but during the course of hellos, I asked her if she had read that book. She was quite amazed because she had in the last few months received some type of blessing with the "Gohonzon" within an international group named Soka Gakaii. She had chantings in her home and some study groups. Anyway, I went along and although I was always more interested in Tibetan buddhism, I liked the group. Unfortunately, the meetings are not well organised due to being a fairly small group, that they are in people's homes and often cancelled due to peoples children being sick or work or whatever.

 

I have known for a long time that I really need something much more regular which also offers study. Every so often, I would google, but not find something where I would be able to attend due to distance. Well, I recently found this place after googling. Some of it is quite a long distance from where I live. There is a meeting I can go to once a week which is maybe a 50 minute drive from me. Here is their link:

 

link removed

[rkw]

Your day at the hairdressers sounds lovely! I figure, if you can afford it without needing to forgo food or bills, then don't worry about spending your money on something that gives you happiness. I'm trying to work out what to do with my hair at the moment, but my problem is that it's too straight and wont hold any sort of curl....maybe they can unrelax my hair?? Haha.

 

I always get teary on trains too, I think because it's the perfect place for ideas to pop into your head. There isn't the distraction of concentrating on driving or anything. I can't tell you how many times I've been on a bus, train or tram with my sunnies on purely because I'm tearing up and one thing or another It sounds like that nice lady who gave you the tissues understood too.

 

Also, contrary to what Kevin says, I am NOT completely insane, just a chatterbox sometimes!

[Silverbirch]

Hi R and thanks! LOL, he mostly said nice things . . . well, actually, I think it was ALL nice. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only person who cries on trains.

 

I'm not sure if my mind is playing tricks on me as a good friend has told me, but I had some thoughts today which I'm sure are motivated by really wanting my ex to contact me. I have been missing him so much. Hard to believe it's only 2 months since the official break - well, it's 2 months today.

 

I am starting to get a little excited about having more days off and so much I can catch up on. Finally I will get this redecorating done. I'm booked for another riding lesson tomorrow, but the weather has been so bad here - very high winds - that I'll be surprised if it goes ahead.

 

No real news today. I didn't want to get out of my warm bed for work today because it was so cold and windy. Usually, my little dog lies at the bottom of the bed curled up to my feet. I love the sound he makes when he gives little sighs. He's a funny boy. He genuinely watches television with me and will bark like crazy if he sees a dog or animal on the screen. Will run up to the television and growl at it. I like taking him in the car with me when I can too. He's very playful and affectionate. I wish I didn't have to leave him all day. Well, soon I'll have more time for all my furry family. Yeah!

 

Sending you all healing love. Hugs, xxx

[elcie]

Hi silver, I get a good vibe about your situation at work. It will be great not to have as much stress in your life!

 

BTW, I have a little dog too! His name is Billy and he's a cavalier king charles spaniel. He's a bit nervous of strangers, but other than that, I've never known a more affectionate dog! It's gratifying to know that there's a special friend in your life that thinks you're the whole universe. Must admit, he's a bit of a mummy's boy,....much to the chagrin of the rest of the family!!! HA HA!

 

Anyway, hope everything is good for you! Thanks for the good vibes you're sending...right back at you!

[Silverbirch]

Hi Elcie,

I think the little King Charles are beautiful!

 

About work, I was thinking this morning that I had heard that with all of this organisational restructuring, they were considering creating a position which would probably suit me perfectly, both in terms of what I would like to do and my abilities and assets. It's a much more hands-on position - working with clients and staff - but not nearly so much paperwork. I'm not the only person in the team leader role who had difficulties keeping up with some of the increasing paperwork and bureaucratic and administrative expectations. I've heard that this has also become a big problem in the nursing profession too. As I've mentioned previously, there has been a high burn-out rate of people in the team leader positions in many organisations, including the one I've been working for. Considering that the regional manager is saying that she wants me to book in to go to further management training and that I will be able to apply for future team leader positions makes me wonder if this new position is something they are genuinely considering. I have however learnt not to trust management. I downloaded a document last night which outlines down-sizing. None of it sounds good to me. I would think the document is a desperate attempt to try and get staff on side with them with all their cost-cutting, and to push as much as they can out of people. Considering the shortage of trained and really good staff in the industry, I'd say a lot of people with walk. I know of an agency which offers top money, maybe around $9 an hour more than what I was earning as a team leader. The work is casual though, and it's not something I would want to do for more than a couple of days a week. Another possibility for me would be to apply for a part-time community development job and go and work for that agency for a couple of days a week earning top money.

 

The person who is taking over my job is very good with the paperwork, but crap at working with people, especially clients. She was reported a while ago to management as being a "control freak" because of a complaint made against her over the way she treated and spoke to clients. My reputation has been the opposite, ie completely snowed under by paperwork, but very good with difficult clients, including aggressive ones and families. I have made some decisions such as getting rid of people who have been caught out doing things which have been dishonest or very irresponsible, but on the whole, when I had to do this, I was supported by nearly all of the other staff. My replacement has comments about some of our clients, which makes me suspect that she is actually scared of one of them, and from what I know of her from working with her in the past, she will be one of those people who hides out in the office. Meanwhile, I'm continuing to work with our most aggressive client and had a fairly major breakthrough last night which I'm hoping to replicate with him again. He's been diagnosed with all sorts of things such as schizophrenia, ADHD and autism. Since I came here six months ago, I've been able to drastically reduce property damage and assaults and have the documentation to show this. It looks as though, I may be able to continue in these reductions and getting some positive results with our clients. I've just started to plan taking them for a day trip to the snow which they always enjoy!

 

I was supposed to have my horse riding lesson this morning, but the wind is still up high and I seem to be affected with hay fever this morning so I've rung my instructor and we are hoping to have a lesson later in the week. I'm sleeping over at work tonight, but taking my laptop with me.

 

Have a nice day everyone. Will be sending you all more healing love. xxxx

[90_hour_sleep]

cool!!

 

love your use of ''coincidence'' in quotations. sounds like your inner physicist was making an appearance (interconnectedness...metaphysics...).

 

pretty neat if you're able to find a group that's working with the things you're interested in working with. obviously much more likely in a larger center. but even 50 minutes isn't so bad once a week. might have to consider extending my search radius.

 

thanks for sharing this, silver.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs 90, I will also be going to their special events and chantings at the Centre at Monbulk. That is about an hour and a half's drive away so I can really only go on my days off, but I will definitely go. As you will see from the website, they also have weekend meditations starting on a Friday night and going through to Sunday evening. They are only $80 for the entire weekend (does not include accommodation) so very affordable. I'd need to be coming home anyway for my animals. Some evenings (Saturdays nights is one night) where they have chantings with food offerings and people stay back afterwards for a social gathering and eat the food offerings!

 

Anyway, good luck with your search. I first started looking quite some time ago, and just couldn't find something to suit me. I'm not able to go tonight unfortunately because of work, but I'm changing my roster and making sure I have every Wednesday night off so I can go. I'm also working things to have another 3 days off work a fortnight and more evenings free! Weee! Hey, I'm going to send you some healing love as soon as I stop typing so hope you feel it!

[Realitynut]

Hi SB. My breakup over the phone was 3 months ago today....we are so close together...but the worst is he proposed to me one year ago yesterday. Just after midnight, so it was actually today. but at 12:30 I txt him on his cell(which i pay for, so he bought another) I said, "one year ago tonite you got down on your knees and made me the happiest woman in the world. Do you even remember it? or think of it?

 

Thats all. I have not seen him since april 1 and have cried every day. I do put make up on (usually now) I do wash my hair..haha..I'm talking again, much to the chagrin of everyone else. But I'm eating like a pig. Gained over 10 pounds. Sb. I'm going to tell you this, just to laugh, and make you yell at me! Guess what I made myself tonite to eat?? chocolate chip cookie dough. Unfortunately I didn't have any milk to get with it. It's sour in my fridge.

 

My counselor said just make yourself ONE HOUR a day, do something constructive. Work at the house...anything....I come home and do nothing.

 

This should be on my thread...but when I post on yours, I feel at least I'm talking to someone...kinda like I have someone to listen to me. I do talk to lots of other people, clients, but I feel so bad for them when their eyes start to glaze over, and I know they've heard this a million times before.

 

It's still all about him...except it hurts even more when I come to the realization how many MORE lies he told me...when I was hoping they weren't really lies...but they were. Was the whole last 2 years a lie???? It's just so heart-breaking. Illl talk more on my thread later. It's almost 3:30 a.m.

 

SB, what kind of dog do yu have? I have a chihuahua, and she is the most pefect dog. She sleeps under the covers by my legs at night. I can hardly move. Ex and her were so "tight". Inseprable. sp? she loved him way more than me. I always told her she was a traitor!!! Before our family had a welsh corgi. I pet her about 3 times in her whole life. Not much of a dog love. I love king charles tho. that would have been my next dog, but I had to babysit my pooch. The first time I babysat her, we were laying on a blanket out in the park. She climbed into by shirt and went to sleep. We bonded. Then she climbed out and threw up on my book!! Her blood sugar had dropped and she was sick...I just didn't know it. Long story....gonna go to bed. I'm so proud of you...wish I could hang with you, you are such an inspiration to everyone here. I can't imagine doing and being involved with everything you do.

 

I'm planning on joining a wallyball team. It's a cross between volleyball, and raquet ball. I've never seen it. I guess it's played in a raquet ball court with a softer ball then volley ball. I said GOOd I didn't want to break a nail!!! lol

[tiredofvampires]

To do Tonglen, you sit in meditation and visualize either a single person or a group of people -- it can be a category of people, or by location, etc. (or even the whole world, or any population of sentient beings -- animals included) -- and slowly inhale their pain, bringing the attention of that to your chest -- your heart center. If you like, you can picture it as a black smoke, if this helps with the visualization, but it's not necessary. Then, you imagine it being transformed in your heart and on the outbreath, you visualize breathing out the opposite of that pain -- their liberation from that suffering. You can imagine this as a clear or bright or white light, but again, that's not necessary. The main thing is to FEEL the suffering coming in on the inhalation, feel your heart transform that, and send it out with the exhalation as their freedom from that pain.

 

Not long ago, one of my beloved mentors (a Tibetan nun from here) guided a bunch of us in a more long version of Tonglen. I wish I was able to remember all the categories of people she named, but it went something like this:

 

"Now all people who are angry...breathe in......and breathe out, forgiveness and ease of mind"

 

"Now all people who are greedy...breathe in.....and breathe out, sense of abundance and plenty"

 

"Now all people who are afraid...breathe in......and breathe out, courage"

 

"Now all people who are lonely....breathe in.....and breathe out, companionship"

 

And so it went on. I WISH I had that on a CD, because the afflictions were so well "antidoted" with those words chosen.

 

It was very powerful and I could feel strongly connected with a different sensation in each emotion. Each one brought up a slightly different "ring" if you will. On both ends of the breath.

 

And I realized that all these different "rings" I recognized because I had experienced them all. All of these emotions. So I was identifying something I was a part of, even while working on others' pain. I rather like the anonymous groups we were led through, like that. Large, vast populations each. But you can do this just as well with a single person in your life.

 

I've yet to figure out how to do Tonglen for myself, and whether there's any classical approach to that. I'll have to ask her sometime. There is almost no practice in this tradition that one can't or shouldn't also apply to themselves -- but Tonglen would be hard to focus upon oneself with. At least that's my experience fumbling with an attempt.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla,

I know being the anniversary today must have been hard for you. My dog is around 3 years old, he is a MalteseX * * * * zu, completely white, and looks like a chubby larger sized perfect Maltese. He is very loving, playful,intelligent and naughty. He looks a bit like a white teddy bear. I have to keep him clipped as he gets allergies from the grass here. He and the 2 cats will snuggle up together and snooze together. The three of them will also eat out of the same bowl, but I have to put extra out for the cats otherwise they don't all get a fair share. There are so many times I wish I had a camera. I've had the ponies in the back yard near the gate, and the dog and cats practically beside them. The ponies are amazingly tolerant of the dog, and Lois the shetland who is also completely white goes soft-eyed when he is about. Maybe she thinks he is something like a foal to her. My older pony Soxy, will go very calm if she hears Eva Cassidy sing Danny Boy. It's beatiful. I think Soxy also likes the acoustic guitar on it as well as Eva's lovely voice.

 

The wallyball sounds great. Good on you and let us know how it goes.

 

Hey Tiredofvampires! Good to see you here and thanks for sharing your practices of Tonglen. I will try them. Over the years, I have tried other types of healing meditations. They haven't been Buddhist in origin, but very good. I had one a long time ago which I just got from the public library and copied. It didn't have a proper cover on it so I don't even know who produced it. It was supposedly a self-hypnosis tape for self-confidence, but it did have the visualisations of cleansing as well. I recall hearing a similar tape produced by "Stuart Wilde", but the quality was very poor. It entailed visualising yourself walking down a busy street, then going into an office and getting a key from a drawer. Going to a door and opening the door with a key. From here, you walked down a very, very, very long winding staircase. Eventually, you came to an internal lake. There is a rowboat tied which you get into. You row to an alcove in the lake where there is a book where you slowly write your name. Then you row to the middle of the iinternal lake, and jump into the water with your clothes on. You find that you can breathe underwater. You go a long, long way into the water, and the first water you find yourself in is colored red, you go further down, and the water changes to blue, then green, then orange, then green, then purple, then crimson. Finally, the water comes to an end and you fall on your feet into a small room where there is a nice cup of tea for you. There are also clean, warm, comfortable clothes and a towel. You dry and change and have the cup of tea.

 

Well it goes on, there is more and more of where you go and what happens, and it truly is relaxing. I so wish I had all of it or knew who made it. Before going into the door as I first mentioned, there is some deep breathing, some visualisations of body cleansing and some counting backwards. The first few times you listen to the tape, you hear all of it. After you do it a couple of times, you just recall the counting, then counting again as you wake up. I know of other self-healing visualisations where you imagine healing crystals and the like being passed over your body.

 

I have also used a visualisation to send love to people I have known to be in emotional pain. I visualise pink light coming from me and going around and into them. The pink light is love.

 

This is a little personal, but it's about breathing, healing, love and visualisations. When my ex and I used to kiss deeply, each of us would inhale the others exhale. This just seemed to happen spontaneously and neither of us ever did this with anyone else. It might sound weird to others, but it was highly erotic - well for each of us with each other. It was as though we were sharing from our hearts and inner selves. I've been kissed by some great kissers in my life, but this was really something else. There were other even more personal things in our physical relationship which were very similar which I will never likely share with anyone else because it was so special. He was always telling me how amazing it was for him - even at the breakup and he was sad and angry with me that over the last few months, our physical relationship - well for me it was on hold due to circumstances - for him "I" had stopped that, withheld that from him - and he was not prepared to give me a chance. About 2 weeks before the breakup, he woke me calling out in his sleep in a very distressed state, "Silver, don't block me out". He claims to have no memory of that or know what it could possibly be about. I so wish he would have given me some time, a chance and been a little patient. It's as though from that point, he was cutting off and shutting me out.

 

Wo, that is so personal, and I'm sorry if it offends anyone. In one way, I wish I had never had such a deep physical and emotional relationship with him because it has made the breakup so much more difficult.

 

Anyway, I'd best be off to bed now. Have to start work at 6.30am unless they wake me sooner. Hugs, xxx

[Silverbirch]

I have felt myself in so much emotional pain today that I know I can't go on like this. I've been googling visualisations for letting go of relationships, and I'm going to do them tonight. I've also just sent a brief email to my ex about collecting all of my things which are still at his place. I've suggested next Wednesday night to collect my breakables and valuable things. That would only take me a couple of minutes to collect. I would get the rest of the stuff another time within the next week or 2. Not sure yet if I will need a van, but it won't matter if nobody is there for that. It's stuff that can be left in the yard or on the porch. As time goes by,the likelihood of him making any significant contact lessens and I'm so sad that I know I'm killing myself.

 

I had a good sleep this afternoon and this evening after having slept over at work and done an early morning shift. Then just took care of a few bills on my way home, got my split ends treated! LOL, my hair has never been so well taken care of. I also managed to get some nice jeans and things from a couple of very good op shops. As I've lost weight, my correct jeans size is 2 sizes smaller than pre breakup 2 months ago - now an Australian size 8 - not sure how that measures in US and UK sizes. I'm not skinny, but slim. Usually in the size 8's and smallers (6 & & which are REALLY tiny), there are lots of near new and fashionable ones because often people will put on weight and can't fit into them. I was this size when I went into my last relationship and had some expensive, very good quality jeans in size 7 and 8 that I had to give to goodwill as I put on some weight. That was with regret - one pair, I had bought on layby as they cost more than I had ever paid before.

 

I've got emails today and just can't get into the headspace to write to them tonight, but will get back on board tomorrow so if you are reading this and I owe you mail, sorry, I will write soon. Hugs, xxxx

[Silverbirch]

Haven't heard back from my ex yet, so I sent him another mid-morning - a ps that I have a couple of things of his which I will return also. My guess is that he is packing up all of my things now, and will text later to say he has left them somewhere for me to collect. I think this is an important part of the healing and moving on for me - to have all of my things out of his home and returning his things though I don't have much of his. I'm also preparing myself for anything he might communicate or what I might see which has the potential to hurt me ie if there is another woman on the scene which is a high probability. I'm feeling calm at least and not even crying today - that's a change.

[Silverbirch]

I still haven't heard back from my ex about me collecting my things. I had thought he would have gotten right back to me to finally have all of my stuff out of his home. He's probably gone away for a couple of days or else he'staking his time in answering because he likes to be the one in control of everything.

 

I'm doing okay. I do feel somewhat frozen emotionally right now,but I'm finding that to be more comfortable and less draining than the alternative. I'm hoping to be able to develop the buddhist outlook of being able to become happy no matter what is happening in my life.

 

Hey,it's getting lonelyin here so if anyone is reading feel free to post or just say Hi!

[elcie]

Hi silver, just read your post and letting you know that my thoughts are with you. Are you going to do any riding this weekend?

[ferna3069]

hey silver i hope your doing better. so your practising buddhist?

[Silverbirch]

Hi Elcie and Ferna,

Thanks for the well wishes. I'm working all weekend - 10 hours tomorrow as well so won't get in any horseriding but will give my ponies some treats when I get home.

 

Yes, Ferna, I've with another buddhist group where there is a much stronger focus on meditationi and that is helping me a lot. After this week, I have more evenings free due to my change in working hours so I will be able to go to more group meetings. I do practice at night and through the day and can see it's making a difference. It's enjoyable too. At this rate, I might eventually give up smoking!

 

I hope you are both well too. xxx

[ferna3069]

Hi Elcie and Ferna,

Thanks for the well wishes. I'm working all weekend - 10 hours tomorrow as well so won't get in any horseriding but will give my ponies some treats when I get home.

 

Yes, Ferna, I've with another buddhist group where there is a much stronger focus on meditationi and that is helping me a lot. After this week, I have more evenings free due to my change in working hours so I will be able to go to more group meetings. I do practice at night and through the day and can see it's making a difference. It's enjoyable too. At this rate, I might eventually give up smoking!

 

I hope you are both well too. xxx

im happy for you silver. i been wanting to join a buddhist group. i want to be happy all the time and not let all the bad memories bother me.how do u find a group?