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Silverbirches Healing Journal


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thats nice, it sounds like it would be real fun to ride a horse around the neighberhood. i like in a city so we dont see horses much. i always thought it would be cool to have one but i dont thing there aloud here. so are you feeling alot better silver or are you still down?

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Beautiful horse SilverB. I love Bays. I had a Palimino when I was a teen. We had another horse that was 3/4 Arab. They are the prettiest. Unless you do the English stuff, then a Tennessee walking horse is so gorgeous!!!


I can't imagine paying $2000 for a horse!!! Just buy the Arab for 850 and break it yourself!!! lol

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Hugs, Hugs Ferny, have you worked out today?


LOL Carla, a couple of years ago, I bought an unbroken quarter horse X Welsh C, 2 years old and unbroken. What was I thinking???? It used to cow kick, and way out of my league. It was a sort of rescue horse - very thin when I got it, but once it had great feed for a while and fattened up, got very spirited, and was dangerous. Found a perfect owner for him who broke him in and he is doing so well now. A good jumper and being ridden by beginners.


Yes, who wouldn't like arabs - and palominos - you've reminded me of the cutest brumby (mustang) I fell in love with. I've heard of Tennessee Walking horses, but quite certain we don't have them here, least not many of them. An endurance horse right??


LMAO, me breaking in an Arab. Maybe that's what you should be doing Carla=D>


Hey Carla, let's post some horsey pics here for each other. Okay??? I wanna see some you like. Be back with a link later. Hugs, xxxxx

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Carla, here is a beautiful little Arab for you. Not far from where I live and only $5,000. I'll post a link to a website I've been involved with - a woman who teaches "horse whispering" and has some good pics. Unfortunately, a lot of the training days have been on weekends I've had to work. I see there is a weekend group coming up soon, but don't know if I can afford right now. Anyway, have a look at this pic of Trev. Click on the pic to enlarge it.


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Okayyy, I have a private riding lesson booked for next Wednesday morning. It's just up the road, and if it works out, the plan is to have maybe 4 private lessons, and then go in a group.


I've had lessons in on the ground horse handling, both private and in a group with the woman at this link. I used to be participant in a group she facilitated in natural horsemanship discussion. We used to meet on Sunday mornings for breakfast at this lovely restuarant situated at one of the local wineries. It's one of my favourite places. I might find a pic of it. Anyhow, here is Jaynes website. Carla, if you are able to download it, there is a video of her horse Zorro who she has trained to walk onto a float. It's amazing. Zorro used to be terrified of floats. I've seen amazing footage of horses trained to walk onto floats and park themselves while the handler just uses hand signals from a distance.


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Here's the page to Badger's Brook Winery where we would meet up, and below it a pic of the restuarant. They might look nice, but the pics don't do justice to them, they are so much better. I love the garden where the grow a lot of the produce they use in the restuarant, and the bakery - just amazing loaves. Enjoy


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PS Re my ex and the breakup, something I never thought much about but realised out of the blue today was that SO FAR, all my exes have come back - but unfortunately, too late, I have moved on every time. Just thought I'd mention that.

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Work is so frustrating! Something BIG has happened here requiring me to put in more hours and energy. I am so over this place, and it's going to be a pleasure to finally move on after December. I have to sleep here tonight, and will have been here around 24 hours when I finally get to go home tomorrow. I got a great pay today - my backpay goiing back to almost a year, so it was a substantial amount, and I can certainly use it.


I spent the morning grooming my ponies, shampooing the bubbie ones tail and it's looking nice. They are getting very smoochey with me, and I so love it when I call them and they come galloping to find me.


I wish my riding lesson was sooner, but I just have to wait until Wednesday. I've been asked if I want to meet up with some women for a Karoeke night at a pub on Saturday night. Maybe I will go. I'm also thinking this weekend, now that I have a little cash, I will get some paint to do a feature wall in my living room and some floor covering for the kitchenette. I still have heaps of pics that I need to hang. Gotta watch the money though so I have plenty for my trip to Bali.


The weight seems to have fallen off me, and I think I might even look okay in a bikini, especially now I'm doing the weights workout. I'm going to ring up the clinic tomorrow and maybe book in for the Botox. Can't wait for the stress to be taken out of my face.


Hey, where are you all. It's getting a bit lonely here. Hugs.

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I was suppose to have a date tonite, or so I thought. It really wasnt' firmed up. But enough that I changed my schedule and washed my hair and shaved my legs. All for nothing. Oh well, I cried very little today. I went to bed and thought of him, but more as "how could he have done this to us" then this morning I woke up and remember the last time he was to drive to my house. He was to be here Fri, sat, and Sun. He didn't want to come until Sat. I had a fit. He said it was because he wanted to work on this "room".


this morning I finally realize that wasn't the truth (not 100% certain) He probably wanted to see her. He said he almost turned around and went back home. Of course he didn't tell me that until weeks later, but...I then promised if he came down, that when I'd go up there the next week, I'd help him work on that room the whole time I was there. I was such a fool!


I'm gaining weight, by sitting on this couch doing nothing, and eating.....

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Hi Carla,


Sounds like you need to get off your butt and go out girl. Don't you know any women friends you can kick your heels up with?


Well as far as the breakup goes, I was better again today. Infact, this is only the second day since the breakup that I haven't cried. The first time I didn't cry, I had to try very hard. Kept telling myself crying is just ageing me and making me ugly, giving me more lines. Today was the first time I didn't have to try not to cry.


Today I felt a bit different from the time I woke up, and I hope this lasts. Last night, I worked with this lady again and she stayed back after she finished, and we had coffee and chatted. She is in a similar situation to me, ie her long-term breakup ended six months ago, and she seems a little further down the line in healing than I am. She was telling me how her ex started smoking a real lot of dope, and he also has unstable diabetes. They were engaged, and one night she told him she was unhappy about how much weed he smoked, and said he needed to do something about it for his health. He told her: "Get used to it." She had to sleep over at work that night, and when she got back the next day, he had put all of her belongings on the patio. I immediately thought how despicable that was, and then of course realised that my ex did something very similar. As time goes by and I'm hit in the face with these things, my respect for him dwindles more and more. I also realise that I virtually have no trust in him any more, and see what poor relationship material he is. Doesn't matter how much I have ever loved him, he is not a person who can be "safe" once he perceives that a partner loves him deeply and has commitment. (I obviously found out more about his previous relationships the longer he was with me). When this lady was talking to me and saying things her ex had done, I just saw what babies our exes are. Totally selfish, spit the dummy whenever they can't get their own way.


Last night, I had a dream. In real life, I gave him a beautiful guitar which had been mine because he loves to play and is good at it. Mine was much better than his. He had done something I thought was nice for me, and I wanted to be able to give him something in return. Now I question his true motivations for what he had done. I haven't thought about that for a long time. Anyway, in the dream, I told him that I missed having my guitar, giving it to him and that I really would like to have it back. I think the dream symbolises that in the relationship, I gave him part of myself - joy and peace and happiness - and now I want that back. Specifically, I no longer want HIM to have that part of me.


Tonight while I was lying down, I visualised a bleeding heart, and then that same heart with scabs forming over where the heart was broken. That is MY heart which is in the very early stages of healing.


Still, there's so much I want to do for myself. I do want to become happy and at peace again. I'm looking forward to going out tomorrow night with these women, and I'm planning on having a good time. Meeting men isn't part of the plan, but if anyone cute comes along, maybe I'll practise flirting - if I feel like it. Otherwise, I'm sure I'll be happy hanging out with the girls letting our hair down.

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No SilverB, I don't have any girlfriends. Only friends I have are married (I have done their hair for over 35 years). The only woman I see is 82, but looks and acts around 72...hehe...still pretty dang old. But her husband died last year, and neither of us have anyone. She use to babysit my kids and she lives close by. We both like to watch a couple of reality t.v. shows, so she calls me up!!


Last night I thought I had a date. changed my schedule and everything. Never heard from him. So today I tried to email him at the dating site that we had talked on just a few days ago....and he had me blocked...what the HECK!!! Kinda made me feel bad for a moment. I went and layed on my bed and cried and wished I was with my ex.


But on a happier note, I have a date tomorrow. He lives 3 hrs away in Wis. Ex lived 4 hrs away in Wisconsin. (wisconsin is a state...actually where I was born)


I'm driving 1 hr. and he's driving 2 hrs. to meet. I can not do another long distance relationship!! WILL not. I'm going to become a player. Date numerous guys. Keep it shallow. Nothing intimate. I told them I can't even kiss. i guess I won't be getting any second dates!! LOL


Having a hot flash,,,,I wonder what it is that every time I write to you I have a hot flash....gotta go and cool off!! Have fun with the girls tomorrow.


Oh, I thought today was a day I might not cry (for the 1st time) but that wasn't the case. I cried numerous times....maybe tomorrow....Love and hugs, Carla

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Hugs Carla,

I gotta get ready soon to go out. Went shopping this afternoon and got some good bargains - clothes - I gotta stop this. Hey, are you a hairdresser??


I can't believe that I got at least 15 hours sleep yesterday. I haven't slept like that for years!! As I mentioned, I'd had to stay over at work for the night the previous night. Stopped off and had something good to eat on my way home from work, and then got into bed. I was woken a couple of times by my dog, and so got up and let him out. I didn't wake up until around 11am this morning. Certainly felt a lot more refreshed.


Today, I dropped by a salon and enquired about the Botox. This place is local, but way more expensive than a doctor in the city. I've got the money to have it done right now, and have been told that I will probably look 10 years younger 2 weeks after it's been done. I'll get it done as it needs to be done after that. Originally, I suppose I wanted it done because I felt like I'd lost my confidence and had hopes of winning the ex back. Not now though. Still, when I choose to get the rest of my stuff, I want him to see me looking and genuinely being absolutely frigging fantastic. I can see now that there are changes in store for me, not just in the looks department, but in pursuing my own happiness, and I already am starting to feel like I'm growing out of him. In a couple of months, I WILL have OUTGROWN that relationship.


Good luck with your date, and LOL about the hot flashes!!!! Catch you soon. Hugs, xxxxxx

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Went to the Kareoke night. It was okay - nothing to rave about. Lots of single women there out having a good time and really letting their hair down. A very young guy asked me to dance, leaned over and said: "You're beautiful." LOL


I made an online appointment late last night to go to that clinic in the city in 2 weeks time. I seem to be sleeping a lot better. I think I'm only been woken now by my dog. Not sure what to do. If I lock him out, he barks a lot, to either get inside or because he is chasing foxes. When I keep him in though, he is waking me to go out. I woke up very late again this morning. I almost forgot how after I moved in with my ex, my sleeping pattern was disturbed. He's had insomnia for years, and 5 hours sleep is normally his max. With his tossing and turning, and him being a big man, it used to disturb my own sleep, but now it seems to be much better. Think I might be making up for all the sleep I've missed out on.


When I did wake this morning, I think I must have been dreaming of my ex. I think also that I'm moving into a different stage of the grief/uncoupling. I woke thinking about things he said and did prior to and around the breakup, but also other things, and kicking myself for having accepted that behaviour. I keep reminding myself that I must never tolerate that sort of thing again and be prepared to just get up and leave a relationship if that sort of thing happens again - no matter what - no matter how much I think I love that person. I'm learning that when you let some things slide in relationships, the other person will disrespect you, and sometimes gradually, sometimes not, will treat their partner with increasing disrespect.


I'd hoped to go outside today, but it's extremely windy and I have to watch that on account of my allergies. Have heaps to catch up on and need to go down to Melbourne for some things.


Likely spending a lot less time at ENA. I have so many things I should be doing.

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Last night,I could literally feel where the grief is sitting in my stomach. When I had periods of crying and overwhelming emotion, I could feel it on both sides of my chest. I thought about reiki massage and wondered if I might benefit from it.


I joined a group for people who love all things Italian and also a dining group. It looks to be mostly women, but that's fine by me.


I feel very tired.

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This morning I had my much anticipated riding lesson. It went extremely well I think and I'm going back for another lesson in a week. The riding school is on a property up the road, nestled in a back road amongst rolling green hills. The driveway to the house and horses is maybe 2kms. When I arrived, I started up a conversation with a young woman who told me she is Andrea's daughter (Andrea is the instructor). The young girl had just bathed a petty chestnut pony and was grooming her, trimming her mane, tail and ears. As we chatted, I gently stroked the pony's nostrils, and she really liked thism nuzzling into me for more. The girl told me she had been at uni studying veterinary science, but she needed to support herself financially and the hours she needed to be on campus were so long she couldn't fit in work as well, and she said - her love of horses. She told me that this pony was going to be coming up for sale. She explained that she and her mothers would buy horses, work with them and then they would be sold mostly to people who wanted them for pony clubs. I told her about the type of horse I would be looking to buy later on, and she said for sure they would be able to get one for me, and when she said the price, it is definitely within my price range.


I then went to the menage/arena where I met Andrea, just as she had finished giving somebody else a lesson. I realised that she physically reminded me of my dear friend Helen who I'd known many years and who had passed away from lymphoma less than 3 months ago. I felt immediately relaxed with Andrea. She had an engaging personality, but there was something very gentle about her. Judging by her accent, I would think she is either German or Austrian. A very beautiful lady with blue eyes. She offered that she is 50 years old, and didn't ride her first horse until she was 17, and talked about her affinity with and love of horses.

And then I met Ari! Ari is a white brumby (mustang) who has been with Andrea for around 10 years. He is believed to be around 15 years old, and had been running around the Kimberley Ranges in the outback until he was captured and brought to "civilisation". Ari, looks very much like Mac, only prettier - larger with the most beautiful head. I will see if I can take a photo next time and post here. Needless to say, Ari is extremely well-educated and calm. He is large - more than 15hh. I needed to stand on a box to be able to climb up onto his back.


Andrea walked me around the arena, leading him. There were mirrors placed strategically around the arena. First we walked and then Andrea got me to do a rising trot. Wo, I stretched and exercised ligaments and muscles I didn't know I had, and she said I'm going to be very sore. Ari started making these noises as wwe got going. Andrea said that he makes those noises when he relaxes and is happy. She said that he could feel me relaxing and was enjoying himself, and that it would have been an easy ride for him as I'm light in weight. Andrea said I was very brave and had done well. When we finished I stroked Ari's nostrils and kissed him, and told him I will see him next week.


Being on Ari has left me with a very good feeling - that for that time, I was very much connected with another living being - I was part of life. I want even more to learn to be a good rider - not just for me, but for the horses because it is more comfortable and enjoyable for them to be riden by a person who an attune to them and make the riding a pleasant experience for them too.


It's been incredibly windy here. We have had several large branches come down from trees overnight, and one of the fences at least is going to need work done on it to re-tension the wiring. Middle of winter and a lot of folks like me are preferring to spend as much time as they can propped up in bed with their laptops - but there is so much I need to be doing.


There have been a few more shocks at work. Basically, some people being investigated internally. I'm coping much better than I did at the beginning of this year when it happened. I don't feel emotionally invested in it the way I had, and I informed management that despite the seriousness of the situation, I would not be coming in today as it is a day off for me, and I need that time for rest and recreation and my own well-being. My manager was very supportive of this. She's a horsey person too, and having riding lessons herself. She says she wants to hear how my lesson goes. We've known each other for a few years. Prior to being a manager, she was a training officer, and is a nice person.


There's been some very brief contact with my ex via email regarding property which I'm going to need to be sorting out in the next couple of weeks. The communication was very very civil and polite on both ends, but there was no personal information exchanged by either of us. I cried a fair bit yesterday. Sometimes I think I'm healing, sometimes I don't.


Supposed to go to my Buddhist group tonight. I'm finding it doesn't meet often enough for me, and often not reliable. I'm going to enquire about taking a look at Reiki which as far as I know, has it's origins in Japanese Buddhism. The Buddhist group I currently attend originated also in Japan. I like it a lot, and wonder if I might like Reiki even more. I'm interested in most things related to healing.


I've been getting regular emails from the dining group and Italian-speaking groups I have joined in the last 2 days, and looking forward to meeting those people.


I've got bills to pay and parcels to collect from the post office so better get off my toosh sometime soon.

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Hi Silver, it's interesting to read about your involvement in horse riding. Both my younger sisters own horses and are very involved in dressage events, etc. I must admit I don't know much about it but I know how much my sisters and their children love it.


Note: I reread our posts on sleepy's journal and noticed that you referred to nirvana as a hindu state of being, and I referred to it as a buddhist one. So I googled it and found out it was common to both philosophies. I'll have to look into it more before I start referring to it from now on! I always thought that nirvana was the end state of being that was complete nothingness which is why I referred to it when I commented on sleepy's post!

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Hi Elcie,

Well, I should have said buddhist too! I've attended a buddhist group for a couple of years, but haven't heard them talk about it to be truthful though I'm sure it is buddhist too. Well as far as I know Buddhism originated from hindi.


I'm actually interested in natural horsemanship rather than dressage. I'm currently learning English riding though so I can get some basic skills. I have no ambition to jump over fences or the like!!! Just gentle quiet riding. When the instructor got me to do a rising trot, for part of it, I had to put one hand over the opposite ear and the other hand on my hip!! It's supposed to help with balance. I wouldn't let myself be frightened. Just quickly told myself it wasn't that far to fall and I wouldn't die if I did fall. LOL Very unlike me to think that way. Definitely the soreness is starting to come out in my thighs.

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I just know that you'd get along with my sister Anne; (not her real name, but in my journals I've decided to respect my loved ones privacy)


She's really getting into learning to ride properly. Her instructor is very well regarded-not sure of his name-and a lesson he had with her became an article in a horsing magazine, which she showed to us proudly. I'm sure the two of you would get on really well. That exercise for balance sounds like one of the things that she was having to do.

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I've had lots of crying and sadness these last 2 days. When will the emotional rollercoaster end? This is pretty personal, but I hadn't had a period for months, and the afternoon I was home from the horseriding class, I did get a period - a completely normal one without any discomfort, but I had felt very emotional. I've also realised that the breakup wasn't as long ago as I thought. I was checking something through my phone records, and found a text which made me realise that I've only been officially broken since 5th May with maybe 2-3 weeks of a "break" before that. Time seems to be passing very slowly.


When I came home from work yesterday, I had been there 29 hours. I was so physically exhausted, I rang in very early today to get a replacement for myself and have taken the day off. I didn't get out of bed until 11.30am, took a long bath and doing some housework and soon I'll go out and get something reasonable to eat at the local stores. I thought of going to this new buddhist place tonight, but it's a fair drive and I think I need to go back to bed.


I've been doing some reading lately and also through email contact with friends, am trying to work on myself. Have been over at Al Turtle's site. I can see a pattern in all of my relationships. They've started out seemingly okay, I would say with the man pursuing me. It's like once they "catch" me, things start slowly going down hill. Firstly in subtle ways. Also, I see that I become frightened of losing the relationship because once I'm "caught", I do tend to love deeply and I end up compromising myself. I believe that my most recent relationship was beautiful in the beginning - and so does he. Once I moved in with him and became "stepmother", that was the beginning of the end - slowly. As time went by, his "strong" personality became more obvious, this was not just noticed by me, but his family who have accused him of taking people (them) for granted and exploiting them. This might sound weird to a lot of people, but I think that because he realised that I loved him and had already stood by him through quite a lot, that he lost respect for me or saw my value as less than when I had lived in my lovely apartment on my own.


Right now, it feels like I'll never be able to have a relationship again. Some days, I've just felt like death, and the crying, which usually takes place in my car, seems to just envelope me.


When I was over at Al Turtle's, I recognised similar patterns in my relationships that he points out, and I'm going to try and improve myself. For me, that's going to be more about being brave, knowing myself and protecting my own boundaries, but most of all, being prepared to walk away from relationships when they become unequal.


Something I realised about myself after emailing with a friend is that all of my life, I've felt like I have to EARN love. That's probably why I've mostly worked in "caring" professins. For me, it seems like everyone else automatically just deserves love - not me. I'm supposed to jump through hoops to be worthy, and the men I've ended up with seem to have shared this view about me too. Well, that's how it's looking.


I should be able to go to one of the buddhist study groups one evening before Wednesday, and I even got out my CD on travellers Italian so I'll take a look at that today too.


Well, I'd better get back to finishing off some housework first.

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SilverB, reading what you wrote just made me cry big tears again. I wish we lived closer and could be friends. My last period was June of last year. the only reason I know is because dan said, I hope when we go to the time share, you're not having your period, because usually every vacation I have it. In May of last year, I had a light one while we were at the condo, and then in June it was TERRIBLE so fortunatly it ran dry before our 3 yr. ann. at the condo. Yeh, then he met her 2 days later. haven't had a period since. I thought maybe at first it was because of the stress and I lost 25 pounds. I'm trying to explain a pound to you SB. We sell our butter in pounds. and there are 4 sticks of butter in a box. Each stick is a quarter pound in each box. does that make sense? 25 lbs. is a heck of a lot of fat!! lol


You are exactly one month behind me in the grief department, but I am so proud of you. You do so much, and accomplish so much. You go ride horses, you work, you eat right, you become involved....I can't imagine a man not loving you!! I, on the other hand give a lot, but expect a lot in return, and when I don't get it, i go bonkers!!! Yes, the night dan and I met, I thought it was fate. Love at first sight and all of that. I drove 4 hrs to see him. I paid for his food, the gas for my van to drive there, worked on his house, his yard. I became his wife. She became his girlfriend. She was non=confrontational. He said she never even questions why all my clothes, jewelry and stuff are there. And he said, she never talks about you or asks.


Of course not, she knows she broke us up! But I'm not that sweet.

When we got back together again, I saw some of his swim trunks that he bought when she took him to Jamaica. I put them in a bag, took them up to the attic, and threw them as hard as I could under the eves!!! Someday he might find them!!!! lol

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Hugs Carla!


Well, we did have pounds here until I was 12 or 13, and I remember when I was at school and we had to learn the conversions. Sometimes I do still think in pounds. Yes, good if we did live closer together.


I had a LOT of problems with periods and last year went on hormone replacement therapy, but it actually got worse not better. Hysterectomy was not an option as I would have needed to take a couple of weeks off work plus I would not be able to drive a car for several weeks. There is no public transport where I live and the closest general store is around 10kms away. Sometimes I would get a period every 2-3 weeks and sometimes it would last more than a week. It would drive me bonkers. Yes, this did cause problems in the relationship also.


I'm feeling improved today. I'm glad I spent yesterday resting and catching up on sleep. I was reading a book last night before I went to sleep which I think is helping me feel more positive. It's called "Why Men Love B's". The title is meant tongue in cheek,but it's basically about putting a high value on ourselves and settling for nothing but the best, basically a person who comes to adore us. BTW, thanks for your very kind comments.


I have no doubt my ex did adore me at the beginning of our relationship. He was always, even to the end, generous financially with them even though I never asked for things. However, there were some things he was unnecessarily controlling about and he used money as the excuse. I believe there were just excuses though because they were things which may have cost nothing, but he made a big deal of them. His ex wife and daughter used to say that he just wanted everyone to know that he is the boss and makes all the decisions about the home. I did spend a relatively large amount of money on his daughter though. When I moved in, was just prior to her turning 13. She didn't even have enough clothes to wear to school, not a decent pair of pj's. The one pair she had were too small and torn. She didn't own a dressing gown or have warm enough clothes for winter. I started getting her things. Her mother HATES shopping and dresses like a man. Buying her daughter clothing was clearly not something she saw as a priority, but after I bought the daughter things, I believe it shamed the mother into buying her clothes, and the mother saw it as competition with me. Main thing was the daughter did end up getting enough clothes, but she is a very troubled girl. I believe she is very damaged by the divorce and the nature of the relationship between her parents.


I still have property at my exes which I will get in a couple of weeks. I'll make sure I take everything. Last night I dreamt about the ex, being in his home. His daughter was there hiding under the bed and yelling out obscenities at her father (they haven't spoken for around 18 months). I told her to stop behaving like a spoilt brat and that I'd had enough of her. Then as I'm leaving, the ex says to me that he thought I would have cleaned his study. I told him to go jump.


Well, time to get dressed for work and face the day. Have a good one. Hugs, xxx

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I've been missing my ex VERY badly these last couple of days, and today feels worse.


Work is quite frantic, and very stressful for me right now. Today after making several phone calls, I find out that one of the staff who I supervise has been sacked, and there could be another oher way out the day. The person was sacked due to having had a public meltdown related to work stress. I did some fast talking to try and salvage another person's job here too although they just do casual work here.


Most days, I think so much about whether my ex and I will ever get back together, and I really don't kow how I'm going to cope if we don't. I'm absolutely heartbroken. I just want to wake up and find this is a bad dream. I'm struggling to believe that he doesn't love me anymore. I still have the crd he wrote me maybe 3 weeks before saying "Never doubt my love for you". Howdoes this happen?? I have text messages from him 2 weeks before saying "I love and adore you". I love him so much and don't know how I'm going to get over this even though I know he's not perfect, but I don't really care.


I have to put my head down and do some work now and hopeuflly get out of this place (work) asap.

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I've had a few hours sleep and feeling somewhat better in myself. I cried buckets again today, and to be truthful thought quite a lot about how I'm going to go on. I feel brought down that far. I've prayed and prayed.


Tonight I wrote in my diary journal, and concede several things which I desperately need to find peace with. Firstly, that my ex does not want to be with me, and that he does not love me as I love him. When I really thought about it though, no matter how much I love him, I could not bear to be in a relationship with a person who did not love me or want to be with me. My ex ex treated me that way for quite some time (even though after I had walked away for some time, he changed his mind - too late for me though).


This has certainly been the most painful breakup for me because I have loved, and still do love him more deeply than I thought possible, and certainly haven't before. I took things for granted - that we were going to grow old together - because that was what he had told me.


When I finally walked away from my ex ex, it was during his hurling of abuse. The other woman he had been sneaking around with was present, and she was shocked and told him so at the appalling way he spoke to me and what he said. Although I was crying, I walked away with my head held up, and what shred of self-respect and dignity I had left. When I had found out about the first woman he was seeing, I had begged and pleaded with him to only be lied to and exploited.


This time around, in the next relationship, although I can't know for sure if there is another woman, I have not begged or pleaded. I have not contacted him except some very brief contact in relation to property. I have done my best to remain dignified and at least put on a show of self-respect.


I am praying now for acceptance and strength. I cannot go on the way I have which does not appear to have achieved anything except for me to remain in a state of utter despair.

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