Silverbirches Healing Journal

[Silverbirch]

I had another experience last night where I felt my father's presence. I had inadvertently found myself sitting in on a music lesson at the small local community centre. I had gone there to attend the Reiki group which I found when I got there had been cancelled. When I got there I could hear music coming from the room where I attend the bellydance and drumming classes. It was at the drumming class about 10 days ago that I'd had the previous experience. Anyway, the people at this class called "Miss Wattle's Ukhelele Class ased if I had come to join them. I thought that as I was already there, I would ask if I could sit in for a bit and they said yes. I sat there while they went through their warm-up. It was mostly women and 3 small dogs in attendance. There were 2 people there who also attend the drumming group, one of them was the ukhelele teacher.

 

Then they went into their first piece which turned out to be the theme from "The Lion King". My father who was a professional musician, teacher and arranger uswed to perform on sax and bongoes and sing that song at family parties and loved it. This group of ukehelele players and singers performed it as a lullaby. Hearing it sent shivers down my spine though it felt good - reassuring. When they finished, I clapped, thanked them and left.

 

It has occurred to me that both times I felt my father around me has been at music lessons. For years, from when I was a child right into my very early teens, I had pleaded with my father for him to teach me music. He said he was too busy - which was true - and that he didn't think he was good enough to teach me. We argued with our mother because she wanted us to learn music from the nuns and we refused, and in the end, only music lessons I had were from a guitar book and a guitar my father bought me for my 13th birthday - in my room. I was so disappointed that he wasn't able to teach me. Thinking back, when my father was only 22 years old, he had me, my older sister and my mother to support and worked at 2 jobs to achieve this. Two more children came along in the next few years, and now that I have a grown up child myself, I can appreciate the stress he must have been under.

 

I feel my father would be reminding me that I grew up around a lot of music all the years I lived with my parents, and that I haven't had enough of it in my life for many years, that I should enjoy it and learn, and that it doesn't matter if I'm never great, it's about the happiness and enjoyment it brings to oneself and others and enjoying the experience of performing with others in a group.

 

Spoke with David last night. He rescued a tortoise of the road which somebody had already run over so it's in a pretty bad way. He's taking it to somebody this morning who is involved in wildlife rescue to see if it can be helped. I hope it didn't die through the night.

 

Got a phone call last night to say my shift for this evening has been extended so a little bit more work. My poor little doggy isn't going to see much of me as I finish late tonight and have a very early start in the morning and a full day.

 

I've been awake since around 4am due to heavy winds here and my stomach is feeling rumbly as well. If anyone is reading this, I hope you have a good day.

[journeynow]

Silver, That's so cool about your father again! I agree with the message about music. It's a great way to "play"!

[Silverbirch]

JN, they have group singing classes at the centre too - I think like ?Acapella?? I might check that out at some point too. When I was a kid I used to sing in the church choir. Didn't like the religious songs much but sometimes at practice, we would get to sing some not so religious songs which had harmonies. Apparently, at this class, they teach you "How to Find Your Voice" - mine is DEFINITELY lost.LOL! They sing songs from around the world. I wish my computer and connection were running better. Last night, I had a bit of a look and listen to the Soweta Choir. Since the drumming, I've wanted to listen to some African music, especially singing, and I've misplaced my Lady Blacksmith CD which I used to listen to a lot years ago.

 

Have a good one.

[Silverbirch]

JN, they have group singing classes at the centre too - I think like ?Acapella?? I might check that out at some point too. When I was a kid I used to sing in the church choir. Didn't like the religious songs much but sometimes at practice, we would get to sing some not so religious songs which had harmonies. Apparently, at this class, they teach you "How to Find Your Voice" - mine is DEFINITELY lost.LOL! They sing songs from around the world. I wish my computer and connection were running better. Last night, I had a bit of a look and listen to the Soweta Choir. Since the drumming, I've wanted to listen to some African music, especially singing, and I've misplaced my Lady Blacksmith CD which I used to listen to a lot years ago.

 

Have a good one.

[JonasWaingaro]

Love love Ladysmith! Such awesome music. You can find some youtube, if your net connection gets better.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Jonas. Isn't their music just timeless? I had typed a reasonably long reply to you but lost it when my connection dropped. Bleh! Today I was in a store and this song came over the sound system. It was a version of Eleanor Rigby (Beatles) which I've never heard before. I've been trawling the internet trying to find it, but nothing. It's really mellow with some type of drumming on it - something like Djembe drums. So hard to describe. As soon as I can find out who this recording was performed by, I'm off to buy it. I'm thinking it is likely to be a very recent version as there is NOTHING I can find with this particular version and I've listened to heaps of versions of Eleanor Rigby tonight. I've also had that song in my head (due to it being played a lot on radio here atm) "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perry. I'm not into the Twilight Movies - not since the first one - and this song was one of the Twilight movie tracks. It's simple, but beautiful.

 

Hey Jonas, can you recommend any other performers to listen to. If you like Ladysmith, we might also share some similar tastes. Did you ever know and/or like Seu Jorge's cover version of Rebel Rebel (David Bowie) in Portugeuse?? If you haven't heard it, check it out. The lyrics don't translate the same as David Bowie's - it's much more of a love song.

[Silverbirch]

I'm so tired. Worked 2 shifts today and back again early in the morning. David and I haven't seen each other for a few days but daily contact by phone and he sent me a lovely text this morning to say he would be thinking about me.

 

Fingers crossed I may have a 3 month contract coming up soon on reasonable pay rates while somebody goes on long service leave. It will be a real saver if it comes off. One of the workers at a place I go to who has been with the organisation for over 20 years says she is going to the CEO to ask if I can take all of her shifts while she is on long service leave. She is also the union delegate. The organisation seems in such dissaray with the restructure that I am extra hopeful it will come off, and that should see me through until I can get a permanent contract back again. My timing with work seems like it has been right off over this last year - but it's probably more accurate to say that my employment has been particularly affected by the restructure because I was in an acting management position and then moved into casual employment. I hope things will settle down for me soon. I'm constantly stressing about money.

 

The telephone company are continuing to give me grief although they are saying now that I owe them $500 not $1700. I just want it all to finish. It's already taken up so much time in my life, costs with phone bills and I had bank fees to pay when they directly debited $1700 from my account and I put a dishonorable stop on that payment. I'm thinking about paying off the $500 and seeing it as a learning experience. For the first time, they are now claiming to me that the $500 is outstanding from phone calls over 2 months. Strange because I was also paying them $70 per month for my monthly fee. Since that time, I am with a prepaid service, different company with no monthy fee and total cost for phone calls is around $40 per month. I will NEVER enter into a phone contract again in my life.

 

If I didn't have my Fridays, it would seem like life is nearly only about work, trying to get it and worrying about money. I'm overdue to go visit my mother interstate but can't afford it right now and won't be able to for a while yet.

 

I was praying and sending messages out to the universe tonight in my car between shifts. It was about an hour later that this lady said she really wants me to do all of her shifts when she goes on long service leave and that she is going ot see the CEO about it. I am flattered, but not over-confident. The contract would begin in a month. I should know something next week.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Jonas,

I had a listen to Jolie Holland and she's great.

 

I think I finally worked out who was playing that fantastic version of Eleanor Rigby which I couldn't get out of my head. Looks like it is a Canadian band called "Walk Off The Earth". I hadn't heard of them before, but apparently they are gaining a lot of notoriety as musicians musicians. They walk about onstage swapping instruments. One of the popular members Gianni, bears an uncanny physical resemblance to me son (who is also of Italian heritage). I also came accross a lovely video which I can't find today of Gianni's nephew Myles who is already an amazing singer and musician. Not sure how old he is, but definitely pre-teen. There was a pic of him with Elton John and he sings and plays an acoustic version of Elton John's Pretty Ballerina. The only version of Walk Off the EArth's Eleanor Rigby is a preview from Itunes which I don't think does it justice. It appears from what I've seen of some of their other clips, that part of the percussion sound is guitar "tapping" though Gianni is a great drummer as well. They play different types of music, including alternative, but I prefer their acoustic sounds. There is a female member who plays the piano and sings Adele covers too.

[Silverbirch]

Today was a long day - I left home at 6.15am for work and arrived home at 9.30pm for 11 hours of paid work on public holiday rates. I'm not as tired as I thought I would be - didn't get home from work last night until 10.30pm. I'm having the opportunity to make up for the lost work and money due to the organisations recent restructure and the work I lost because of the ensuing administrative issues.

 

I feel happy today. Right now, I am at a good point in my life. Things are going extremely well with David and my social life has been good, and my health better all the time.

 

Have to go to bed - working tomorrow and Sunday as well, but can take things easy again on Monday which I have designated work-free.

[Silverbirch]

Today was mostly about work again except I got caught up again afterwards into the clothing thingy and bought some more clothes, but it now has to stop. I've got enough nice things and need to save money.

 

I got a lovely text from David today and a call tonight. I've missed not being able to see him over Easter. He's been extremely warm and says he's missing me.

 

I've really enjoyed reading and writing in the journals and some of the threads on ENA, but of late, I'm wondering if it might be time to move on from ENA. I've noticed a few things which make me wonder if it is such a positive place for me anymore. I've made some friends here who I'm in contact with outside of ENA and I do miss that they don't post here often anymore, some of them never. I know I'm over my exes now, have been for a while and wanted to be able to give some things back, reassure people and read and post about things of general interest - general and friendly banter, but doesn't always work out.

[Silverbirch]

I'm feeling quite low right now. I can't remember when I last had 2 days in a row off work. I'm in processes of re-negotiating my contract with my employer and there's a lot of uncertainty and worry for me. This week, I've been working in what feels like a very negative workplace environment which has a strong reputation for it's staff being control freaks, very petty and picky. There's a lot of politics there and meaness towards someone who recently got a very good promotion. The nastiness towards her has been constant. Was I a fool for saying to one of them, "Shouldn't everyone be given a fair go?" I think that's gotten around so they figure I'm not on their side of their hate campaign. It all boils down to the fact that another person had been asked to apply for the job and decided not to. Then when she found out that this other woman got the job which is very well-paid, she has gone VERY passively aggressive. I'm sort of surprised that so many people have joined in. One person even said to me, "We're going to be really unhelpful to her to prove she can't do the job and then X will get her job."

 

What has made things even worse is that even though I haven't said anything at all to this woman who they are undermining, she seems to have taken a liking to me and has gone out of her way for me - asking me to apply for work under her management - but she did seem to like my work before she got this big promotion. I'm considering doing some work where she will be the manager, but I want to spread myself around. I'm so tired of pettiness in the workplace and it's seeming a lonely place right now. I'm also considering working in a situation where I will be pretty much on my own. Right now, I feel like I just want to do my job, get paid and go home.

 

David has been unhappy and angry (not so much at me) these last couple of days due to something which has happened in his family and the ongoing financial stresses of being self-employed. Often when he is like that, through his own admission, he seeks out his own company.

 

My dance and drumming group are on term break atm and even though I've only been doing it a short-time,it's been a real sanity saver. I'm missing it a lot. They are fun-loving, friendly and free-spirited women and I haven't seen any bithchiness. Very much the opposite.

 

Tomorrow, I go for an interview for a casual job, just a few hours and I don't know if the hours will suit either employer or myself, but it's worth going for.

 

I'm stressed, lonely and bored. I have tomorrow off work, and going to hairdressers, got a heap to do at home and then the interview.

[Silverbirch]

I'm having a bit of time getting started today. Going to get up and dance a bit and hopefully that will lift me enough to get on with my day.

[Realitynut]

SB...Just wanted you to know that my Dad went into the hospital the end of March, and he died last Thurs.

I was the 'night' caregiver for 14 days. I'm tired and going to bed. His funeral was Monday....just wanted you to know why I was missing in action!!

 

Will talk to you later when I have more time! Now that it is spring...gotta start working on the house...last summer I was so depressed, all I did was sit on this darn computer!!!

 

Read that You had one stressful/fearful day! I am glad it only lasted for about a day!! lol So it could be worse.

 

Still no guy for me! Maybe never.

 

LOL...I still miss Dan. I'm such a loser..lol

Love ya, Carla and pup

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla,

Just saw your message. Sending you an IM xxxxx

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla, big probs posting and mailing. Have just mailed you.

 

So sorry to hear about this. Wonderful you were able to be their for your father during his greatest need. xxx

[Silverbirch]

Winter has arrived! It's been raining all week and I've felt in a sort of semi-hibernation. My living area remains cold despite the heating so unless I'm outdoors rugged up, I'd rather be in my room propped up in bed with my laptop and dog or else out at the shops or somewhere.

 

The work situation is looking improved for me. I'm waiting for the formal contract to arrive in the mail. After June 11, I can budget better with guaranteed income. My housemate has improved so much since I got sick in December and he's actually happy about the electricity bill. We got this very high bill last year which I insisted to him was a mistake, but he was hell-bent that "I" must be doing something to make it so high. Anyway, we changed electricity companies, and the difference in the billing is totally dramatic. He's had this girlfriend for around 18 months now who is here from Friday nights until Sunday nights EVERY week. I'm more comfortable when she isn't here. He obviously likes her a lot, but she gets into the wine, and on a few occasions, she's been arguing with him and as I've walked passed, tried to draw me in. I never fall for it. I'm surprised that he tolerates her and he looked very sad last time she was like this.

 

Anyway, something unrelated which was weird happened yesterday. I was going to the garage at the front and saw a car coming down our driveway (the driveway is half a kilometre long and once on it, you cannot turn a vehicle around. I waited at the front for the car to pull up. We do sometimes have people from the electricity company coming here to check the closeness of tree branches to the power lines. As it was a small 4 wheel drive vehicle, I assumed it was them. As soon as the car pulled up, I said hi and stood there. It was a young guy who said: "Here to read electricity meter". I immediately thought that was odd as we have just received a bill and I knew it wasn't due for almost 3 months. I didn't say anything, but watched the guy, got his registration number and a very good description of him and his car. I tried ringing the electricity company later to check the legitimacy, but got put on a long queue so I just left a note for my housemate who has checked it. The guy was NOT from the electricity company, and my housemate has reported the matter to police.

 

We hardly get anyone come down here. As I mentioned, we're quite some distance from the road. I've never felt scared before, but I am now giving some thoughts to my personal security. All of the blocks here are 21 acres. Most of my neighbours work that I know of, and if I ever did get into any type of trouble, I can't be certain anyone would hear me, even if I yelled. I'm going to go get some locks and keep the gates locked when I'm home on my own.

 

David is a little down this week as the wet weather has kept him from paid work. The rain is meant to stop over the weekend, and his plan is to work his oss off then catching up with his equine clients and tending to their horses.

 

If we ever do live together, we are going to have to both come up with very sound financial and employment planning. As of June 11, I should have enough guaranteed income each week to meet all basic financial needs and commitments and also be able to earn more on top of that on casual rates with the same organisation. I'll also be increasing my permanent hours over the next few months as shifts become available.

 

David has focused on his business over the last year and had previously had another job as well which was bringing in good money. Then after he got sick and was in hospital, he wasn't able to keep that job up due to problems he was having with his leg. It entails a lot of driving, hours and hours, and him being so tall and in a confined space was making his leg worse. I talked him out of going to that job because every time he did he was sick. He's very stressed right now, as he always does when the weather intereferes - or anything interferes - with his ability to earn money. That's always a worry of my own too.

 

At least I'm sleeping better atm since my employment situation looks improved. The days have been a little boring of late with me mostly focused on work and the day to day things I have to do. Tomorrow is my dance class and my day off. I can't afford the drumming classes as well atm so looks like I'm going to have to wait until next term. Last time I was there, I got to play Arabic drums which are called something like Derbouka. They have such a lovely tone - you just play them with the ring fingers and not the hand.

 

Yesterday, I felt very down for part of the day, having thought a fair bit about a previous relationship and how it still impacts on me - very insecure and fearful at times, but also angry with myself for wasting so much of my life. I'm planning to do a ritual on Saturday to help me let go of the negativity and baggage I still hold onto because of that relationship.

 

Oh well, better make tracks. Work soon and I have a very wet road to drive on.

[Realitynut]

I'm thinking about trying a hypnotist...don't know if it'll work on me....

 

Talked to him 3 days ago...we argued for over and hour and a half. He now says I can't have my plants and that I owe him 2 thousand dollars for the timeshare we bought together.....ugh....

 

will write more later...so much going on right now....]

find it funny that you are just starting winter and we are starting Summer....JUNE should be summmer....Dec and Christmas should be winter...lol...you live in the wrong part of the world!!! lol

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla,

What are you going to a hypnotist for? Oh, I posted on another thread that I'm going to actually try a ritual to get rid of my baggage from my ex of years ago who I was engaged to - the one who developed bipolar. What a friggin mess that was.

 

I'm going to David's for tea but going to install my new telly first. Let me know what's happening soon Precious. xxxx

[Silverbirch]

Still plodding along. Life is a little ordinary right now. It's been cold and raining for weeks. I hate the winter.

 

Last week, I saw a lot of my female friends from the dance group. One had a birthday party last week which was belly dance or burlesque theme - about 40 women there - LOL,men were barred, but some did come early in the night, but told they had to leave by 8pm. Our dance instructor was there and gave little demos and got people up who had never belly danced before and then all the students got into the act, getting up other women. I know it sounds gay, but isn't. It's a lot of fun being able to be around other women and being able to truly let our hair down.

 

I didn't feel I had anything appropriate to wear beforehand, and several of the women insisted I drop by their houses before the party and choose what I wanted. I didn't get time because of work, but when I got there, the party girl had racks of clothing in her living room for everyone and even loads of jewelry. I settled on something simple, but I loved it. It was sort of tribal fusion style which is gypsy-like. I'll post a pic if I manage to get one from my friend - duh, I forgot my camera. I ended up staying the night and didn't get home until around 9.30am the next morning. I'd been out the Friday night too and it took me around a week to catch up on my missed sleep.

 

I've got another dancer's party coming up on the 23rd which is going to be at a really nice venue. From what I can make out, a lot of the women, as well as either having an interest in dance or being professional dancers, have husbands or boyfriends who are real homebodies and are fairly quiet men who don't like going out or being around a lot of people. My teacher's husband sounds a bit like David - he's got his workshop which he likes to hide away in.

 

Apparently, some of the women's husbands waited up for them to come home which surprised me, but gave us a bit of a laugh. I don't think any of them have anything to worry about with their wives. There was alcohol there, but I don't think anyone even got drunk - but everyone seemed to be having a good time.

 

Chris, my dance teacher says belly dance is all about dressing up, and there are not that many opportunities for most women to get THAT dressed up these days. As I'd worked that day, I didn't go the full hog, but will be fun if I ever get the opportunity and time to do tht. We're planning a shopping expedition together when our tax cheques arrive in a couple of months.

 

Strangely or not, me spending so much time with the women and having such fun seemed to put David in a very good mood. As much as I love him, he can get really boring on a Saturday night (except of course for bed time). He likes to watch documentaries on telly and is usually pooped from doing physical things through the day. He's never been one to socialise lots except for in various sporting groups. He used to race motorbikes competitively, belongs to a pilots club and of course, is an excellent horseman and has belonged to a riding group. Once the sun goes down there, he's winding down getting ready for bed a lot of evenings. Occasionally, we go out for dinner. I am glad though that he doesn't drink. That would be a pain if he did. I've known so many women who have had partners with drinking problems.

 

It's his birthday late this month, and I've got some books on order for him. We should be going out for dinner and inviting his family too. It's been 9 months now since we've been together so he really isn't the new guy anymore. There was lots of discussion a few weeks ago about us living together and he asked me if I would like to move in with him. I've said no at this point in time. I would much rather we find a place together. He has asked if I would like to make a vegetable garden at his place so I can potter about there while he potters about with his various things. (We do enjoy doing things together with horses and dogs) I've begun propagating and finally got about to do the planting that I have been talking about for so long. I've made myself a makeshift hothouse and gotten an excellent book which outlines best propagating methods for various plants. ATM, I've got herbs and vegies planted in pots, and wanting to start on some flowers and shrubs. I've started collecting various types of lavender which I've put in the hothouse and will start propagating from as soon as they grow a bit more. I'm planning on reproducing from some plumbago shrubs I planted here which are doing very well. I tried unsuccesfully to grow it when I lived at the beach, but it's grown easily here. It's a climbing plant with small green leaves and clusters of blue flowers. I'd like to have (eventually) what is referred to as a "blue garden" which consists of plants with flowers which are either blue, white, or any shade of purple. You don't have any reds, pinks or oranges although at different times of the year, some people put in bits here and there of gold flowering annuals. I've seen blue gardens before and they are so tranquil and beautiful. David has 2 sisters who have bachelor degrees in agriculture, and one in particular, has a lot of knowledge about plants and propagating. Hopefully, I'll get to meet her sometime soon. The other lives interstate and is a grazier.

 

I wish I didn't have to go down to Melbourne every day for work. I love it up here. My ponies are well right now and my dog and cat are constant companions. Housemate tells me my dog looks like a homosexual dog as I had to have him clipped recently,and got him a lovely warm coat and he wears a rhinestone studded collar. He's definitely my baby, and a real character. (He's malteseX * * * * zu). My cat is a lilac point Tonkinese, who must be at least 13 now, though looks great and not at all like an old cat. Apparently, it is common for them to live to be 20 years old. They're both curled up together beside me right now having a nice sleep in.

 

Well, I suppose I had better get moving and do something with this day.

[Silverbirch]

Still plodding along. Life is a little ordinary right now. It's been cold and raining for weeks. I hate the winter.

 

Last week, I saw a lot of my female friends from the dance group. One had a birthday party last week which was belly dance or burlesque thereme theme - about 40 women there - LOL,men were barred, but some did come early in the night, but told they had to leave by 8pm. Our dance instructor was there and gave little demos and got people up who had never belly danced before and then all the students got into the act, getting up other women. I know it sounds gay, but isn't. It's a lot of fun being able to be around other women and being able to truly let our hair down.

 

I didn't feel I had anything appropriate to wear beforehand, and several of the women insisted I drop by their houses before the party and choose what I wanted. I didn't get time because of work, but when I got there, the party girl had racks of clothing in her living room for everyone and even loads of jewelry. I settled on something simple, but I loved it. It was sort of tribal fusion style which is gypsy-like. I'll post a pic if I manage to get one from my friend - duh, I forgot my camera. I ended up staying the night and didn't get home until around 9.30am the next morning. I'd been out the Friday night too and it took me around a week to catch up on my missed sleep.

 

I've got another dancer's party coming up on the 23rd which is going to be at a really nice venue. From what I can make out, a lot of the women, as well as either having an interest in dance or being professional dancers, have husbands or boyfriends who are real homebodies and are fairly quiet men. My teacher's husband sounds a bit like David - he's got his workshop which he likes to hide away in.

 

Apparently, some of the women's husbands waited up for them to come home which surprised me, but gave us a bit of a laugh. I don't think any of them have anything to worry about with their wives. There was alcohol there, but I don't think anyone even got drunk - but everyone seemed to be having a good time.

 

Chris, my dance teacher says belly dance is all about dressing up, and there are not that many opportunities for most women to get THAT dressed up these days. As I'd worked that day, I didn't go the full hog, but will be fun if I ever get the opportunity and time to do tht. We're planning a shopping expedition together when our tax cheques arrive in a couple of months.

 

Strangely or not, me spending so much time with the women and having such fun seemed to put David in a very good mood. As much as I love him, he can get really boring on a Saturday night (except of course for bed time). He likes to watch documentaries on telly and is usually pooped from doing physical things through the day. He's never been one to socialise lots except for in various sporting groups. He used to race motorbikes competitively, belongs to a pilots club and of course, is an excellent horseman and has belonged to a riding group. Once the sun goes down there, he's winding down getting ready for bed a lot of evenings. Occasionally, we go out for dinner. I am glad though that he doesn't drink. That would be a pain if he did. I've known so many women who have had partners with drinking problems.

 

It's his birthday late this month, and I've got some books on order for him. We should be going out for dinner and inviting his family too. It's been 9 months now since we've been together so he really isn't the new guy anymore. There was lots of discussion a few weeks ago about us living together and he asked me if I would like to move in with him. I've said no at this point in time. I would much rather we find a place together. He has asked if I would like to make a vegetable garden at his place so I can potter about there while he potters about with his various things. I've begun propagating and finally got about to do the planting that I have been talking about for so long. I've made myself a makeshift hothouse and gotten an excellent book which outlines best propagating methods for various plants. ATM, I've got herbs and vegies planted in pots, and wanting to start on some flowers and shrubs. I've started collecting various types of lavender which I've put in the hothouse and will start propagating from as soon as they grow a bit more. I'm planning on reproducing from some plumbago shrubs I planted here which are doing very well. I tried unsuccesfully to grow it when I lived at the beach, but it's grown easily here. It's a climbing plant with small green leaves and clusters of blue flowers. I'd like to have (eventually) what is referred to as a "blue garden" which consists of plants with flowers which are either blue, white, or any shade of purple. You don't have any reds, pinks or oranges although at different times of the year, some people put in bits here and there of gold flowering annuals. I've seen blue gardens before and they are so tranquil and beautiful.

 

I wish I didn't have to go down to Melbourne every day for work. I love it up here. My ponies are well right now and my dog and cat are constant companions. Housemate tells me my dog looks like a homosexual dog as I had to have him clipped recently,and got him a lovely warm coat and he wears a rhinestone studded collar. He's definitely my baby, and a real character. (He's malteseX * * * * zu). My cat is a lilac point Tonkinese, who must be at least 13 now, though looks great and not at all like an old cat. Apparently, it is common for them to live to be 20 years old. They're both curled up together beside me right now having a nice sleep in.

 

Well, I suppose I had better get moving and do something with this day.

[Silverbirch]

It's onlny been around 7 weeks since I wrote, but it feels so much longer. Most of the time, I feel like there is always so much happening in my life. I yearn for stability and calmness.

 

Not sure if I had written that I had a recurrent tumor which I had removed. I go back to the surgeons on the 15th August when I find out more, but I'm expecting it to be okay. Well, it does look as though it was the same as the last tumor, carcinoma, but low-grade and treatable. I chose not to tell David about it, and I'm glad I didn't. On occasions when we have been alone together and the talk has gotten personal, he has said things like that he thinks about me a lot and that he worries a lot about me. He told me a few weeks ago, that if I die he will hang around long enough to take care of his animals, and then he would choose to kill himself. That really rocked me, but I know I would feel the same if anything happened to him and he dies - before me - we're all going to die.

 

We constantly get to know each other at a deeper level. There have been some difficult moments, and of course, some good ones too.

 

I've been waking with anxiety attacks for a while now, and this morning, I came to the conclusion that I'm going through a type of mid-lefe crisis. I'm in my early 50's, I've had to come face to face with the fact that we don''t live forever, and like everyone, when I stop and look, it seems that there is quite a lot in my life that didn't turn out the way I had hoped. Probably though, what is most anxiety-provoking for me is in knowing that my time in the workforce is limited, and this brings me a lot of worries about how I will manage financially when I do stop work.

 

Despite having put in a lot of hard work and money, my earning capacity isn't great at all, and I manage to pay my bills, but almost just as soon as I have put money away, some unexpected bill comes up which eats into those savings.

 

I know David worries for himself about those same things, but I don't want to talk too much to him about my worries over money in the long-term. We do talk about things which both of us could do in semi-retirement which might help us maintain a reasonable, but probably very happy lifestyle. Main thing is that both of us have to keep on top of health issues.

 

I think that when he does get moody, it is nearly always related to work, and being self-employed, he doesn't know what he will earn from one week to the next. Weather has a lot to do with this too, because he can't do his job in the rain (he works outdoors). As well as this, he always has several projects on the go related to repairing machinery and money and time always cause delays. He also has the personality type that he sets deadlines which don't take into account unexpected delays.

 

I get stressed a lot by work. I hate a lot of the managers where I work. About a week ago, I got electrocuted at work using a faulty appliance. I had a delayed stress reaction and had 2 days off work which was paid for by the workcover authrority. As I had expected, when I saw my manager, she didn't say "Hello, how are you?" She didn't even look up from her computer, and what she did say sounded very much as though she was blaming me. I stood up for myself and other staff were there, and to my surprise, but delight, they got in on the conversation, and pretty-much put the manager in her place. My co-workers were all great. There have been big changes in the organisation with cut-backs and changes to contracts. Realistically, I don't feel in a position to leave. To start with, if I have to undergo a medical - if I applied to government, if they found out about the cancer, I'm not sure I would get in. I just feel too tired to start again and think that I just have to make my current situation work better for me. As well as this, I need to find something extra I can do, preferable from home or nearby which would bring in some extra cash to be putting away.

 

I know that I need to be much more grateful for the things I do have, and I know that I need to be working at being positive. Where to start, I'm not sure.

 

I'm very conscious, overly conscious of having several failed long-term relationships behind me, and that played a big part in my current financial situation. Whilst David had fewer long-term relationships, his divorce meant he lost his home as I did. We're both homebody people and we both yearn for a home where we can settle and live a quiet peaceful life, continuing to work, albeit with not as much stress.

 

A few weeks ago, after discussion, we decided that there is still a lot of "wait and see" with our relatonship. Even though he doesn't say it a lot, he did say that he doesn't know if in a year's time whether I will still be there, that he knows he is a difficult person, and that most of the time, he doesn't mean to be how he is. He's really not that bad. He can be a pain and selfish and grumpy, but it doesn't usually last very long, and when he's good, he's just beautiful.

 

I've been focusing on getting things done around the home and with paperwork, bills, etc - something I hate. I have ann appointment with my accountant tomorrow and will lodge my tax return. I'm not expecting it to be great, but hoping it;s at least a few hundred and that I don't have to pay anything.

 

Hopefully, I'll be a bit cheerier next time I write here.

[Silverbirch]

Woke again early this morning with the anxiety in my stomach though not quite as early and the anxiety wasn't quite as bad. I have to cut right down on coffee again. If I'm not feeling less anxious in a few weeks, I think I will see if I can try some anti-depressant medication.

[Silverbirch]

I can't take the anxiety any longer. I'm continuing to wake with the anxiety in my stomach, and I never sleep for more than 5 hours. I've made a doctors appointment and will leave shortly. I'm going to ask to be given something to help with the anxiety. Last week, I went back to see the surgeon with the results of the pathology and was stunned to learn that they had removed TEN, mostly tiny tumors, but that shocked me that they came up so quickly. When I was scanned, there was only one visible. As well, the surgeon wants me to have scanning of my kidneys to check the tumors haven't spread there. He has assured me that providing I continue to have very regular scanning and the tumors removed as they appear, that I will be alright. I was told from the beginning that this type of tumor usually does recur, and it appears that right now, it has certainly made a home in my body.

 

I've been trying to meditate and I'm so stressed, I feel like I need something to calm down enough to be able to just do that.

 

I have been writing on a thread here, Relationships with Severely Avoidant People, about my relationship with David and can admit that half the problems are mine, caused by my insecurities. I have realised though that as well as my own stresses, I'm absorbing his stresses, his problems, that there is less and less time for us to spend together, let alone enjoy the wonderful things we do have in our lives.

 

Over the last couple of months, he has taken on even more projects of repairing old farming equipment and is pretty much getting nowhere, partly on account of a lot of rainy weather. He has also taken on 2 more rehabilitation horses. He told me last night that one of his other horses looks to be unwell. He feels he can't and doesn't want to leave his property because of the animals, and expects me to be the one always visiting him.

 

The spring is just arriving here which means that I should be focusing on doing things here to make my own paddocks safe for my ponies from laminitis. I had also offered to take 2 of his ponies for the spring as the pasture here is much more suitable for them than he is. Being Shetlands, they can die easily if they eat too much green grass or anything else.

 

I have managed to do quite a lot in making my humble abode a very nice and cosy home albeit modest. My own ponies are looking wonderful and with the days getting longer, I will be able to spend more time with them, getting them into even better condition. I've also been focusing on clearing up paperwork of mine and developing a better financial plan to prepare for my retirement. Although that his hopefully quite a few years away, it's something I need to start taking actions for now.

 

I'm wanting to go interstate to visit my dear mum as soon as I can, but I need to make provisions for my brood of animals before I go. I don't feel I can trust the housemate as each time I have been away, despite me expressly asking him to leave the ponies in the paddock I have them in, he moves them into the larger ones. He can be a very odd man. Most of the time, I get on okay with him, but that is largely because I keep to myself and have my own living area. Also, as we work different hours, we are not here that often at the same time. I thought of moving out last year and began making plans for that, but I really love it here, and it is affordable. As well, I wasn't able to find anything else suitable - I have a cat, dog and 3 ponies and the rent here is affordable. He really is okay most of the time. I don't know why he does things like that. When I got sick last year, he was wonderful which surprised me. He's been married and divorced 3 times and told me recently that his daughter has recently been diagnosed with bipolar and has been in a bad way with it, and I wonder if he might have it himself, but that it's pretty much under control. Apparently, before I was here - I've been here almost 3 years - there was a succession of younger women who lived here for a couple of months and each of them had major fall-outs with him and moved out.

 

Work has continued to be stressful, not only because of re-structuring for cost-saving, but the organisation has been rocked by scandal which has gotten a lot of negative media attention. I'm pleased though that some of the bullying which has gone on has been exposed and 2 people that I know of have been dismissed for bullying. I joined the union a week ago, and I think it's been one of the better things I've done and should have done it long ago.

 

Anyway, I'd better get moving so I can go see the doc and see what he says.

[Silverbirch]

I finally went to the local GP here and he has given me medication to help with the anxiety. As well, he's organising for me to see a counsellor. He seems quite informed on mindfulness and I go see him again next week so we can work out a stop smoking plan which will incorporate mindfulness.

 

The wind is very strong here again today and its cold. I got caught driving yesterday in heavy rain and hale. At least while the weather is loke this, it will delay the flowering of the capeweed - something I haven't been able to deal with yet. I wish I had a reliable ride on mower. I could certainly make use of it. Today, weather permitting, I will go get some more fencing equipment and some preventative medicine for laminitis for the ponies.

 

I have my dance class this morning and on account of the coldness, no way I will take off my warm clothes. I'm feeling very ordinary these days, but I should feel at least a little improved with the meds in 2 weeks time.