Silverbirches Healing Journal

[journeynow]

Thanks JN! IT MUST HAVE WORKED! I got told tonight where I worked that the manager had requested I leave my telephone number as they would like me to do more work for them, and they were very happy with the work.

 

I also have started chasing up buying some organic (and especially genetically unmodified) garlic cloves to plant and then re-plant over the next couple of years, and hopefully eventually sell.

 

Working out a few strategies to help me with chasing up more work. It's going to take a little time.

 

ANYWAY, BIG THANK YOU JN AND BIG THANKS TO THE UNIVERSE TOO! XXXX

 

Excellent, Silver!

[Realitynut]

LoL...unlike me who stayed home all week end crying in my soup. In fact I just got done crying minutes ago...over you know who. I was invited to go to a super bowl party, but since I'm not a big fan of football...I didn't go. May have been better than sitting home alone all day (I did go to church finally), but I don't like doing things alone,,,not even going to a party! lol

 

It's been 10 months ago today that he ended things....I guess I should get a life....

[Silverbirch]

Hi JN and Carla and THANKS,

You know I think I am starting to get my sparkle back. Last year, due to a number of reasons - going off on Workcover after being assaulted on the job (got assaulted by the same client 4 times that year), stresses of working in management for the first and hopefully last time (albeit low management) and disillusionmennt with the field and management, I lost a lot of my confidence and belief in my abilities in relation to work. I can feel that has now started to come back. It's 6 weeks now since I switched back from working with people with serious behavioural issues to working with different types of clients (no more violent clients). I'm doing some work, as I did tonight with people who have complex medical needs, and whilst tonight was incredibly busy and I had to work over, I am so much better off at work in terms of stress.

 

Carla, for me at least, I think the sparkle has a lot to do with my own confidence and belief in myself than men. Going out on my own was one of the best things I could have done for myself. Now that I have done it once, I know I can do it again. I am dead-set serious about protecting my heart and I'm not going to be walked over by a man again in the ways I have been in the past. Hey JN, it's good to read that you go out on your own too. In the past, I've sort of relied on being able to go out with girlfriends, but most of mine are sort of boring in that way and it's such a big deal to get them out that I couldn't be bothered. I'm sure that after I've been going up to the pub for a while, I will get to know quite a few people so it won't really feel like I'm going on my own. I went up there one night with some people and at around 9.30pm a BIG group of women who are supposedly regulars all rocked up around the same time and most of them got up and danced. It's also not uncommon there for women to go there on their own. It's not like city pubs. It's always had a reputation also for having a lot of "alternative-type" people living here so it's by no means conservative.

 

It was nice coming home tonight. As usual, my cat came running out of the darkness to greet me as I drove my car in. Doggie was very excited to see me, and the ponies, as usual, had come to the backyard fence where they choose to sleep every night - practically outside my bedroom window. Housemate doesn't like them coming into the yard, and I couldn't sneak them in atm without him finding out. He thinks they wreck the "lawn". It's so dry here atm. All of the grass is looking very dead. Thankfully there was some rain last night. Today was the third anniversary of the Black Saturday Bushfires where quite a number of people living not too far away from here perished in the fires. Being so slack, I still haven't developed my own evacuation plan just yet. I did buy myself a GPS recently which might be helpful if I ever need to get out of here in a hurry. I'm going to get a battery for my laptop and keep Country Fire Association web page with sattlite map of fires on most of the time, including in my car. The media makes a big thing out of the anniversary of the fires each year, and although I think it's important to pay tribute and respect those who died, I think it does some harm too, especially to the people here who will suffer for the rest of their lives as a result of those fires. There are still people here living in caravans in neighbouring communities because insurance hasn't paid them out. A lot of people left with emotional and mental issues as well.

 

Don't really have much news, but be back soon and hope you both have a great day. xxxxx

[Silverbirch]

Oh Bluddy Hell Carla,

Tonight he asked me when Valentine's Day is. * * * !! Then he started laughing and told me I MIGHT be getting something from him. I will NEVER figure out men.

[Realitynut]

LOL!!! Men! If he cares for you in the way I think he does, he'll want to do a little something 'extra' for you, just cuz it's important to you! Just a special day to say 'hey, i love you to bits' , even tho I don't believe in Valentines Day...

I think you should get him a card and write something mushy....even if it's the one that says he makes you 'horney'! That will get a good laugh out of him, and not too 'romantic'....something a guy would like!! Especially a crusty, set in his ways, don't go all soft on me now...David!!!

 

 

Hey, and what man wouldn't want you to wear some special 'get-up' for him...just for the night. Boots and a red bra...just as an example...and nothing else! props could be a whip....you could ask for 'riding lessons'....oh brother...you can tell I haven't 'had' it for so damn long....

 

 

I have to admit...Dan and I had a good sex life...and after 20 years of NADA with ex-husband...i was more than willing...

 

Well...that's over....probably no date for this Valentine's Day . Just like Christmas, and New Years and my birthday.....

 

Hey lets have a pity-party....eh....won't have a date for that either!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Carla, I realised yesterday that for the last 36 years of my life, apart from 4 consecutive years after I divorced, I have received at least a Valentine's Card and usually gifts, flowers, etc on the 14th February every year. I recall highschool and though I only went to a co-ed school for one year, I think I got 5 cards that year so maybe for me, it's a bit of an ego thing as well. I'm still not convinced he will remember Vday. Nevertheless, I spent the night at his place last night and we didn't get out of bed until 10.30am - something we have never done. He's usually up early and getting about doing things, especially as it was at his place. He was very happy and chatty, and not long after I left and was driving home, I had a missed call from him. When I checked, I had left something behind, but he also left a really nice I love you message on my phone as well. Yeah, I can never figure them out. When I left, I didn't ask when I will see him again, just said, "Have a nice week until I see you next."

 

Hey Carla, do you know of an American guy from the mid-west named Roger Welche who is meant to have a televiision program, partly about old tractors, but sounds like he is also a bit of comedian. He has books with titles like: "Love, Sex and Old Tractors". I read a bit about him. He's a bit of an old dude and I'm hoping that a lot of what he says is tongue in cheek. I was telling David about some of his books and things he had written and David thought it was hilarious. I was thinking of getting at least one of his books and reading it, then writing BS and my own comments throughout the book and give to David as a present. Now that would be a good present for Valentine's day. I think I might make him a sugarless Chocolate Zucchini Cake for Vday. Probably not a card though. He loves chocolate, but the ole bod don't cope with it so well these days - mine too.

 

Anyway, you never know, you might get a Vday card from one or two of these dudes you are in contact with from the dating site.

 

Keep well. Speak soon. xxxxxx

[Silverbirch]

Feeling a little homesick for my family today. Sis contacted me by email today about my mother's 75th birthday in March, but unfortunately I have my cystoscopy the day before so won't be able to go. I've only told one sister so far about the cancer - not the one who emailed me, and thinking that I will tell all my sister's soon. I mean of course, I think I'm going to be okay, it's just that I can't plan trips home around the time the check-ups are due in case I need to have stuff done. I'm close to my mum and missing her. I'm planning to go home in April instead, and hopefully if I can earn some good money, go again in August.

[Silverbirch]

I'm struggling a little trying not to feel guilty this morning. This week, against my better judgement, but in the name of trying to earn money, I accepted shifts where I finished late, getting home close to midnight and then having to leave home at 7am the following morning. I woke early this morning with various aches and pains. I was supposed to work at a place where there is a great amount of physical and mental work. I knew my body wasn't up to it. The particular facility is notorious for cancelling shifts at short notice and they don't treat the workers well. Tomorrow I have a long shift at another facility I like, very hard work, but I enjoy working there and want to get plenty more work there. So early this morning, I cancelled today's shift. I've taken some Panadol and trying to organise my home which is a mess right now, but wanting to get some rest too. I've realised that when I take these eratic shifts, I don't eat well and yesterday I ate too much for lunch after not having any breakfast. In trying to rush to work, I haven't given myself enough time to digest my food and empty my body - sorry I know that sounds gross, but I've worked out with me that when I do that, I get back aching as well as stomach cramps from not emptying properly. Not long ago, I realised that something which will help with this will be maybe 2 glasses of coke, something I very rarely drink, but it does work.

 

Anyway, today I will take care of myself and my body. I had a long bath last night before going to bed and whilst I know that is good for my body, it tends to bring out the aching so I need to have rest and down time to deal with it. Anyway, no breakfast yet and my stomach is rumbling. I need a small amount of food, rest and orderliness.

[Silverbirch]

I'm feeling quite unwell atm. I realised that over the last 2 days, I have consumed way too much caffeine to wake and stay alert for work. I have smoked too many cigarettes, not eaten well and hardly drank any water. I was half-asleep earlier and was experiencing palpitations. I haven't had it for quite some time, but in the past have experienced palpitations with over-consumption of caffeine. My blood sugars are probably all over the place and I feel anxious and panicky. I have to go to the general store to get money out to pay my rent and I'm procrastinating about this too. At least I got a little done here and have taken care of my animals. I feel like crop.

[Realitynut]

Hello S.B.!!! I've been having so many aches and pains too...and I don't work hardly at all!!! lol I tell ya, If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all! (I hope my complaining in NO WAY diminishes how I feel about your cancer (that's my sad face, btw) anyway, today was the coldest windiest day yet....this winter...and as I was driving accross the bridge over the Mississippi, the hood of my van blew up and smashed my windshield into a million zillion pieced. After the initial shock, all I could think was...well...that's my life! I feel that losing Dan, and the pain from that, everything is just secondary. I was driving towork to do a couple's massage for Valentines day. I had the cheese and crackers and wine all with me....they had to re-schedule...and I hope they do!

 

I think that book and sweets for David sounds wonderful! I would still buy a card, if it makes YOU happy tohave him read it! I love cards...to give and receive. After a few years, maybe David will catch on too! Give him a light-hearted one, that doesn't make him feel guilty. Last year Dan and I gave eachother the exact same card. It was about having problems, but still being in love...yeah, right....

 

I went to bed around 7:30 this eve. and slept for an hour or so....just out of boredom and depression still....

 

Only one guy is interested. the one from Chicagoland...over 3 hours away. I think he could be more needy and insecure than ME, and boy is THAT scary!

 

I think he might be coming up Monday night to see me for a little bit, he had an appt. in town on Tues. I'm so afraid that I will ALWAYS compare everyone to Dan, and they will always come up lacking. In my eyes he was extremely handsome, fun, athletic and good in the sack! If only he would have been crazy over me, like I was HIM!!! Of course maybe I wasn't beautiful, fun, athletic, or good in the sack!!! lol

 

I'm amazed at how energetic, and such a worker you are! I'm sooo lazy. I could paint a wall in my living rm (or clean even) but I'd rather sit on here and do nothing....or sleep. But I know it's a low form of 'feeling sorry for myself" depression....I still think of you know who, and his new b*tch...lol

 

Give David lots of Kisses for me....Tell him Valentines Day is for the romantic at heart....and you just can't help yourself...because he brings out the romantic side of you!!! Then take Chocolate and rub it all over his body...hehehe...yum yum...jk...somehow I don't think David would get involved with something like that!! lol

[journeynow]

Silverbirch, I hope you are feeling better! And Realitynut, sorry to hear about your car hood/windshield. How scary, especially on a bridge! I'm glad you didn't drive off the bridge or into another car.

Take care, both of you!

[Silverbirch]

Hi Carla and JN. Yes, I'm glad you were not hurt Carla. You seem to have a lot of bad luck with cars.

 

Thanks JN. I'm just about fully recovered. Hoping to sleep in tomorrow. Drinking a lot of water really helped a lot. Still didn't feel too well this morning, but by the time I had to go to work today I was okay. My shift went very well. I also got calls at home from another facility and they have given me bookings into April (normally they ring admin, but they called me at home as soon as one of their permanent staff put in for annual leave so I was very happy about that).

 

Hmmm. Something is going on with David and V-day. He called me tonight and was saying things about it and laughing, saying that maybe I will find out about a secret admirer. Grrrr. Who knows with him if and what he could be up to. He says he is coming over tomorrow morning, and I told him afternoon is better. He asked me if I want to go to work with him tomorrow. LOL!!! Well, yes I do like going to work with him because I get to meet horses, but I thought as it is V-day, he might have asked me to do something else. He is also being very cagey about the rest of the day - and evening. Due to both our work, I haven't seen him for a week although we've spoken on the phone at least once a day. I told him I think I'm forgetting what he looks like. He was quick to reply he hasn't forgotten what I look like, and I suppose he was saying a lot of things to reassure me. I feel very weird about V-day because it reminds me of last year and the b/u so soon afterwards, and I haven't up until now thought that David would do anything on V-day as he has maintained it is crock. Silly as it sounds, I haven't been with David long enough to have even one V-day memory, but lots of memories of V-days with my exes. God, I am a serial monogamist with a significant amount of significant others in my life. . . . well, at least I can still count them on one hand, but if this relationship doesn't go well, I will soon have to count my exes on both hands.

 

It's 1am. I haven't started cooking yet. It will have to wait until tomorrow. I have decided on making up my own recipe. I do crazy things like that often and then stress myself out. I've decided to make a pudding type of muffin - very moist with chocolate, brandy, pecan nuts, mixed fruit, ginger, cinnamon, vanilla extract, apple sauce, a little brown sugar - and of course, zuchinni. I'm going to make the icing out of Philadelphia cream cheese and coco. I'll make them in large cupcakes and they should freeze well. If they turn out okay, they should be nice with icecream.

 

Oh Carla, I did get a card. It's just a simple one with a dog cartoon on the front and says "I Love You."

 

Anyway, I'm going to have to try and get some sleep and get up early.

[Realitynut]

LOL...I use to get dan a card from me AND from the pup! Really, so many times! I usually tried to find a card with a chihuahua on the front. The best on I found had a pup that looked just like mine. The inside was really clever and said something like....'sexy blonde likes to go for walks, snuggles, and enjoys kisses' it was much more clever than that...but I can't remember. He always had it sitting out on his dresser for YEARS!! Geez, that made me tear up!!! Big time...I'm such a mess.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs, well I love you and think you are gorgeous so Happy Valentines Day from me. I prefer the humorous cards too, but by the time I bought one, there wasn't a lot to choose from. I haven't seen or heard from David yet today. I've been down to the ponies and given them some hay. I need to start giving them more feed today as there isn't much grass about now due to summer. Anyway, I have had a treat put away which I gave them today. It's a Himalayan salt lick on a rope so I've hung it over the fence for them. That's their Valentines prezzie, and I'll remember my cat and dog too.

 

OMG, when I got the ingredients for the cake and priced it, financially, I would have been better to just go to a gourmet cake store and bought one, but I guess it's the effort that is the gift. Last night I worked at this place I love. Well, most of the people there are not that old and have had strokes or similar. They have short-term memory loss, but are probably the sweetest group of clients I've ever had in all the years I've done this work. Last night, I was in a rush as I had to put together a dinner very quickly. I ended up making a very basic quiche. They must have asked at least 10 times - "Who cooked the dinner? It's lovely!" Most of them really love chocolate too so when I go back tomorrow, I'm going to have a special batch of chocolate pudding/muffins for them too.

 

Physically I feel much better today.

[Silverbirch]

Despite my fears and extreme nervousness, V-day turned out okay - pretty good actually. I'd been in such a flap I got things mixed up. David and I were supposed to meet up in the afternoon (he had worked booked quite some distance away in the morning). He took me out to dinner last night and it was nice.

 

For me though, it was like how Xmas usually is - by the time it arrives you want it to be over. I'm sure the reason for this is because it's the first V-day since I wasn't with the ex. Lots of memories of previous exes, and I was nervous because I hadn't had a V-day with David before.

 

I had a great day at work today though it was frantically busy. The time went so quickly. Tomorrow, I got to another place I really enjoy working. As far as work goes, I feel like a different person to how I did in mid December when I was finishing up at the facility where I ended up going out on Workcover due to occupational violence. So glad I made the decision to leave that place.

[Realitynut]

Oh I'm so glad v-day wasn't a total bust!! But doesn't sound as if he pulled anything very romantic out of his hat!!! lol

 

I was about ready to fly out to Australia, just so I could slap him silly!!

 

Seems so strange that your V.D. is in the middle of Summer, when ours is in the Winter. Maybe that is why it's never TOO special...it's cold out! (at least here in the mid-west...lol) Usually a person get flowers, jewelry, something considered romantic. Ehhh....I painted the living room....

[Silverbirch]

Carla, I don't think I can ever expect anything romantic from him. He did tell me he is the most unromantic man in the world and sounds like he was probably being truthful.

[Silverbirch]

Feeling a bit flat right now but okay. Gotta go to work soon. Just spent the morning hanging about and did some pot replanting, went down to the produce store and fed and played with the ponies. I've been sleeping in as I've been working very late - getting home close to midnight and then still feeling hyped up when I get home even though I'm tired.

 

David has to go away a couple of days with the agricultural college so we won't likely see each other until next week. That's a good thing for both of us. I feel like I have put myself through a sort of emotional rollercoaster these last couple of days, thinking so much about my exes. It was weird. I feel like I need some time on my own to do quiet things like gardening and taking care of my animals, and just resting and not doing much. Was thinking also how I haven't allowed myself time to practice my faith, and that's not a good thing for me.

[Silverbirch]

Feeling a bit better today. I don't start work until the late afternoon and hope to spend a good part of the day pottering about with ponies and plants.

 

I'm still feeling somewhat emotionally fragile. I only have a few things left at my exes house to collect and wondering if I should just write that off because since I last saw him, even though I'm glad not to be with him anymore, I have felt myself becoming depressed. I'm sure that since then,my insecurities have surfaced and frankly I'm scared to death of becoming hurt again in a big way.

 

David rang me late last night as he always does. It's usually when I've just finished my shift and on my way home. Then he always finishes off with "I love you Possum, text me when you get home so I know you are safe." Each time he has spoken to me since Valentine's Day, he has asked me if I am still happy with him. I know I still want to be with him, but when he asked me last night, I paused. I wanted to talk to him but didn't know what to say. I don't even know myself what I want to say. I suppose also that I'm scared of appearing needy. As well, I don't want to have supposedly deep conversations on the phone. Anyway, after I paused, I said yes, and that I wanted to tell him something when I see him next. I was surprised that he sounded panicky himself and said, "no, tell me now." I managed to just say something like I'm really looking forward to seeing him when he gets back.

 

When I saw him on V-day, after about 10 minutes, he said to me: "We really need to live together." Right at this point in our lives, this is not the right time, but the way things are with both our work and commitments, I so wish we were able to have more time together and that we weren't both so tired.

 

There are things I would like to say but right now I feel aware of having all of these relationships behind me with lots of hurt and abandonment, and it's almost like I've got hands around my throat disabling me from being able to speak.

 

Time to get into the day.

[journeynow]

Silverbirch, how are you doing? I wondering if some of these feelings have to do with the time of year. I haven't read all of your past posts, but I looked back to some early ones, and aren't you approaching the anniversary of your break up, and of your moving out the year before? I think anniversaries of that sort can bring remnant feelings to the surface, perhaps for another layer of healing. Maybe you could plan something private around that, some journaling maybe, or special treat for yourself, an event with friends, a hike, bodywork...whatever feels right and releasing.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Yes JN, it is very close to the anniversary of the b/u. I'm finding it hard to get offline and get going today. I'm forcing myself to go out shortly as I have to go off to the produce store anyway. It feels weird because it's not like I'm actually grieving for that partner. With what has happened over the past year, I find him repulsive now. It's just a feeling of being scared of being hurt again, and a sort of disillusionment with men and relationships to date. Of course, I can't know how this current relationship is going to turn out. I had so much trust at one point in my previous partner, and then when I saw him last and was able to observe how he was and spoke without any emotional connection to him, I was like: "How could I have been with such a pathetic person and not seen it." His previous relationship (marriage) broke up because of his selfishness and laziness and that he helped himself to her money - that's what his wife told him. I let myself believe his justifications (mind you his background is in law and he has been a psychologist for a number of years so he's quite adept at putting forward convincing arguments and knowing how to manipulate people. He can also be very charming and can speak very nicely).

 

I suppose I don't have a real lot of confidence and trust in myself right now.Thanks. Yes, I do think that planning something would be a good idea. The "break-up" (which he originally stated was just time out) would be a year in around a week or 2.

[Silverbirch]

It's really late here right now. I didn't get home from work until after midnight. It occurred to me today that I've become lonely for the company of other women. My family all live interstate. I'm a shift worker, and whilst I love where I live, it can be quite isolating. I've always been one of those women who loves the company of other women (I'm not gay). I grew up in all female household virtually - my father was a lot, and I have sisters. I mostly went to all girl schools so for a lot of my life, I've been around a lot of women. I know I have to do something about this. I thought about going back to my budhist group, but the group I really liked is unreliable with meetings because so many of the women have children and they get sick or something always happens. Then I started going to another budhist group, and to be honest, I just found that group boring - unlike the first one which was very chatty with lots of laughing and people were very interested in each other and kind to each other.

 

Anyway, after seeing something on ENA,I'm going to make some enquiries next week at a learning centre in neighbouring community. In particular, I'm interested in checking out their belly-dancing and Reiki groups.

 

Work was busy and enjoyable, but apart from that, it was quite an uneventful day.

[Silverbirch]

Feeling so much better today. Work soon.

[Silverbirch]

So many outstanding things in my life I need to follow up like mechanics, dentists, doctors, all of it involving money - things I've put off for when I have more money and as it doesn't look like I will have a lot more money in the foreseeable future, I need to get my toosh moving and work out a payment system for getting things done. I don't have paid work on today and also my place is a mess again so it looks like head down today and start wading through this mess.

[Silverbirch]

Today is supposed to be "Getting of My Bum Day and Get Things Done". Only just made a start of housework and horses. I need to make a whole list of things that need to be done. Tonight, I'm planning on going to Reiki. David had asked me if I wanted to go to a local event with him on Sunday, but frankly, I haven't had enough work come in yet this week due to a cancellation and I can't afford to cancel my Sunday shift.

 

Hey, it seems he has gotten some type of Post-Valentines Day surge of romance - and like I keep saying - by his own account he is probably the most unromantic man in the world! Never one to keep to tradition.