Silverbirches Healing Journal

[Silverbirch]

Hey Carla,

When you collect the rest of your stuff from the ex's house, I think you should have gotten back to being your gorgeous self, and get to see his jaw drop when he sees you. If you have picked yourself up by then and gotten on with things, this skanky woman he is with (doesnt she have a tattoo you know where????!!!!!), she will be boring by then. Hopefully, you will be able to give a girlish laugh and say something to him like: "Oh well, you had your chance." That would be so cool!!!

[Realitynut]

Yeah, if only I could say that! but unfortunately, I miss not only HIM, but the HOME I worked on and the Yard I worked on. for over 3 years, I did everything for that guy! He only has to DATE her, and he's crazy about her. I cooked ,cleaned, did laundry and mowed the grass. I painted the inside and outside of his house. I tore down ceilings, and tore down paneling, poured cement, and built fireplaces. I designed his bar and stained it and varnished it! And all she has to do is scr*w him, and he's telling me he loves her!!! It's just NOT FAIR!

 

Keep contact S.B. I can't wait to see your life unfold! Huggs back! Carla

[Silverbirch]

Hi Carla,

I really think you should read "Why Men Love B's". She highly recommends against doing these sorts of things for men for various reasons, mostly though, if you do those sorts of things, men will take you for granted,undervalue you and lose interest. I should say though that one of my ex's criticisms of me was that I was not cooking enough for him!!!! I was not living with him at the time of the B/U, but then the writer of that book would consider him to be not really of the standard worth considering as potential relationship/romance material and your ex would likely fall into the same category.

 

Anyway, I just thought I would mention that I have started to feel a bit of flatness, but realise from reading the book: "From Abandonment to Healing" that the flatness, etc is really about subconscious insecurities and anxieties, which have always been buried there deep inside of me, but were masked by the "security (albeit false) of the relationship. One of the reasons why many of us feel so bad over breakups is that all of our hidden previous sense of abandonment comes to the surface for us emotionally so it is far more than just the relationship we are grieving for and anxious over. On our own now, we face the task of becoming much more self-reliant,dealing with that emotional pain and then moving on to a better place within ourselves and a better life.

 

I'm taking a look at those insecurities and anxieties. Many of them I think are quite unfounded but undertandable why I have internalised them. The author believes that even people who have had good childhoods can internalise other sources of abandonment, and I believe this.

 

Hope you are all on the mend. Sending you all healing thoughts. xxxx

[Realitynut]

I went to a bookstore today and read for 3 hours. I bought the book, If it's heartbreak, it can be HEALED. Letting go of hurt and learning to love again.

 

It doesn't look too great, but i bought it anyway! lol I was looking for the book you are reading. I guess I'll have to look on line. I also wanted to look at Uncoupling, that people on this site recommended.

 

I also read Obsessive Love, When it hurts to much to let go. Yeah, it's all about abandonment issues. And I've got that! that's the main issue with Borderlines! Anyway, I think yesterday (sunday) was the first day I didn't cry. Maybe cuz I was too busy. Sis had a birthday party for our dad and her hubby. I went for a walk with my niece and talked about him, and don't remember blubbering! so I'm going to call it my first day without crying....almost 4 months! Yeah!

 

Then this morning I got a txt from him. That irritated me cuz he doesnt' txt. So he must be 'learning' from her. One of his letters to her, mentioned the fact he didn't know how to txt! Duh! Anyway, I knew it was from him immediately cuz he used my cell and it had "dan Sweetums." hehe anyway, all he said was:

Hi Carla, hope u r doing fine. Please text or call me. He was alone cuz he sent at 5:30in the morning after he got off work.

 

here I had been wanting to call him so bad the last few nights....we always could read each others minds...seriously. Oh well....I wish I wouldn't have wrecked things. I wish he would have love me more. I'm so sorry about the way things turned out. I saw that book today about why men love B's. I just glanced at it...I guess I'll have to go back and read it! lol.....but I AM a B"""""!!!!

And that was it. it hurt so much, cuz he use to always CALL! That means he can't even talk to me or leave me a msg? Of course I didn't answer! I mean, what should I write back...."what"??? or I could txt back, NO I"M NOT. But when i read that txt, a hot flush went thru my body. I guess he still has a big effect on me...i still miss him here I had been wanting to call him so bad the last few nights....we always could read each others minds...seriously. Oh well....I wish I wouldn't have wrecked .

 

His birthday is this wk. end. I'm sure he wants to know what happening with all my stuff.; But I'm not ready to talk to him, or see him. i don't know when I will be. That is why I wanted to do all that while I was still in love with him, and thought that he had a little love left for me. But now I know for a fact that he doesn't, and that he loves her.....and I am still so dang devestated. I cried just for a few seconds tonite talking about him to someone. But that is really good for me.....Boy I sure like to use the word, BUT all the time!!! Probably learned that from him, I love you, BUT....lol

 

I have to lose a bunch of weight now...next on my agenda. Sitting here in this heat. I guess I have to splurge and buy an air-conditioner. I hope some store has one....it's a heat wave here!! And HUMID...

[Silverbirch]

No, don't text that. If you must, then just txt something like: "Fine, busy right now." If he wants to talk/text, make him do the work.

 

You're sounding better Sweet Cheeks! Hey, I'm feeling better again too! The sun came out for a while, and I spent hours with my ponies - more time than I have spent with them since the B/U. I groomed both of them as well as I could - it's winter and wet here and they are both muddy, but too cold to bath them. Brushed their manes and tails to perfection, and brushed their coats as well as I could - both have been rolling in mud. I spent ages giving their hooves a really good clean out and then moved them onto our driveway as it's the driest part of the property - driveway is around half a kilometre long - that's around a quarter of a mile. They are both looking happy. Gave some gumnuts, but I've decided the Welshie needs some topline built up so tomorrow I'm going to start giving supps (vitamins, minerals and trace elements) and possibly some boiled barley to fatten her up. She was so relaxed when I gave her a massage. It was great! Then I gave my doggie a bath. Oh he had rolled in horse poo when he was out with me. I feel so much better for spending time outdoors even if it was a bit cold.

 

Had some telephone calls from 3 of my mates at work to see how I'm going - got assaulted at work on Sunday - par for the course - belted over the head. Big drama - management called police but didn't get off their own fannies and come out on site as they should have. Grrrrrr Doc said I could have extra time out on stress, but don't want to. Going into work to start collecting documentation I had prepared to cover my own a$$ - I've told management many times, including in writing that they have issues here they need to deal with, and had made recommendations re the violent client which they have ignored. Gotta pay up my union dues and make contacts and enquiries from Worksafe. I gotta start taking care of me because nobody else will.

[elcie]

OMG silver, I didn't realize that your job was so dangerous!!

 

I don't think I could do what you're doing....you're very brave!!!!

 

Hugs, elcie

[Silverbirch]

The 2 young police who came were shocked Elcie. First thing they said was "Where's security." I just said to them, "You're looking at it." They were shocked too that I and the other woman working with me are both only around 154cms (5 feet 1 inch). Mind you, they were both very nice, and one in particular was almost worth getting hit over the head for! LOL! It was a vicious attack that came almost out of nowhere as it often does. He also smashed a big window and I pulled him away from it as I thought he was about to put his hand through it. Then he turned on me again. Funny thing was that at the time, it didn't hurt as much as you would think it would because I was trying to stop something worse from happening. It wasn't until a while later it hurt. Worker and doctor said that's because you are in a type of shock. Neck sore from it today too. No criminal charges can be laid as the person in question has an intellectual disability and is in care. If he had been taken to doctor as recommended, to have his medication changed, this possibly would not have happened. Management are such cowards in so many ways. I'm not scared of that client. I will just take even more care in future. What people might find hard to believe is that most of the time, he dotes on me. Follows me about like a puppy dog and has to be diverted from being affectionate. The nature of his conditions is that his mood can change suddenly, and he has had major problems of severe aggression since he was around 18 months old. I don't hate him. I know it isn't his fault he is the way he is, but I'm going to be taking more care around him in future. The other staff told me they are just rocked by the attack as one of them saw it, but they are more upset about managements inadequate response and have pleaded with me to go to Worksafe because they are worried for all of us, but are all saying that if crunch time comes, they will say their piece and walk. They are all smart enough to have second jobs where they can increase their hours if they want, and I need to be thinking about doing the same. First things first - documentation which covers my @$$

[elcie]

All I can say is my hat goes off to all the unsung heroes in this world......and you're definitely one of them!!!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs and thanks Elcie. Mind you, don't know how long I will do this work for. It's not all bad though.

[Silverbirch]

I spent ALL day outdoors today as it was sunny though a little cold. Shampooed both ponies tails and groomed them for hours. I've also decided to start giving them the little extra things in their diet again with it being winter so that will take a little extra time in the day for me. Been giving my pets lots of TLC. Bath and groom for doggie last night. Well, needless to say, I got no housework done and I have paperwork I need to get together for my tax return so I'm staying in tonight foling washing and trying to catch up on things. I'm going back to work tomorrow. I feel great for having spent time outdoors. It will be good when the warmer weather and longer days return.

 

Had a little cry this morning - just feeling a bit sad and disappointed, but the devastation I had felt has definitely gone, and I do have acceptance now about the breakup. Go back to the doc tomorrow who inspects the results of the Botox and maybe I will have some Dermafill put in around the corners of my mouth and start on prescribed dose Vitamin A cream. Am definitely looking younger and de-stressed again. Two friends, both younger than I am who know about it say it's loooking good and one of them is going to go and have it for herself now she knows its pretty painless and not as expensive as you would think.

 

I've been getting in a bit of reading and finding it easier to listen to music - something I found difficult after the breakup. Also, I couldn't eat chocolate and certain foods. Sounds silly, but they were things I ate a lot with the ex. It's no big deal now to have a chocolate bar here and there, but I'm wanting to keep off the weight I lost post-breakup so it's been a good thing I gave them up totally for a time.

 

I realised yesterday and today how much more confident and skilled I'm getting with the ponies. I did something yesterday with one of them which a couple of years ago, I wouldn't have even done with another person who knew what they were doing - and know I really feel like I know what I'm doing. It was hilarious when I first got my Welshie. She would just snatch carrots out of my hands and take off, and I just couldn't catch her. I haven't used carrots for a long time and normally, she just walks up to me and into the halter. Little pony is so much more tame and sweet too. They really both got spoilt today. I used to go to a couple fo horsey websites and met people (offline) through them too, and now I've just started going back to that. It was hard to go there because people would ask me about the ex not knowing we had broken up - some of them had met him too and thought he was Mr. Charm.

 

It's going to be a cold night so once I get all this stuff done and have dinner, I'm into bath and then bed. I think I will sleep very deeply tonight.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Again,

Well, I've been a woman of leisure these last couple of days. Went to see doctor, but he talked me out of going back to work so soon. He also got me to have a brain scan which showed normal so no serious injury, just concussion. I was a bit scared of the results so relieved now. Doctor is at the clinic on Sunday and wants me to go back and he will fill in paperwork for a medical clearance for me to go back to work Monday. Honestly, not sure what I do with all my time - well actually, I've had to do a lot of driving these last couple of days.

 

I also went back to doctor who did the Botox a fortnight ago for follow-up. He said that as it is my first time, it is a little slower to take full effect and says that the area around my eyes will look more improved in a week or so. I also got another few little jabs in the area between my eyebrows and above the eyebrows. I'm quite pleased with how it's going. He got me to bring in my skin care so he can see what I'm using. Overall it was good, but he has prescribed prescription strength Vitamin A cream. Have just been using Neostrata (which he says is excellent) and Olay Regenerist. They have creams at the clinic which he says are better than what I'm using and work out cheaper so once I've used this stuff up, I'll get it from him. Also, further down the track, I will start adding Vitamin C powder to what I'm already using. Very important though to use SPF30 face cream every day - especially as I spend time outdoors, stop smoking and drink lots of water.

 

I got a call from lady at work head office today about my workcover claim. She says that the people from Occupational Health and Safety are going to be going out and having a look at where I work and safety issues which is a relief for me, and I'm sure will be for my colleagues also. If the issues can be resolved internally, it means I won't have to go through Worksafe and the Union.

 

My ponies are looking nice from all the extra grooming and extra friendly due to both the handling and special treats I've been giving them.

 

I'm feeling so much more rested and healthy atm. Looking forward to having a girlfriend come stay with me from interstate in October. She's also a horseygirl, and we are going trail riding and sight-seeing when she comes. There's so much I want to do here at home before she comes so that it is all nice. I'd like to have more people coming to stay, and we have the extra bedroom here for our children and guests. So far, only had the son stay here a couple of times, but once I'm more organised, hopefully I'll have more friends and family staying end of the year and next year too.

[Silverbirch]

I've started getting ready to go out tonight. It will be a good night - as far as I know, all women except for one couple. I'm feeling disgust and revulsion for my ex today and genuinely feeling like I'm ready to move on. My job and most of my interests are female dominated so I don't get to meet many men, especially in my age range. I wouldn't mind meeting and possibly dating some men, don't want a relationship yet, and that would only be if I met somebody I really liked and felt compatible with. Sometimes I think it would be nice to meet a man who was very into horses. Apart from my farrier who I'm not interested in, haven't gotten to men men with horses. Used to know one a long time ago who was obsessed with his Clydesdales - an old old friend - but he has moved to the bush, and I've lost contact. Even at the horse-handling classes I've been to, only women there. It's weird, and I don't really know why. I know there is a big social group for riders where people go away for weekends with their horses, but I'm not interested in doing that just yet. Even if I had a riding horse, I don't a float or way to get horsey about. Equitana Festival is around October and a lot of the groups will have their stands there. I really enjoy going. Maybe my friend who is coming to stay will be with me during Equitana in which case we can go together. She would love it.

[Silverbirch]

Went to a Meet-Up Dinner last night and met Elcie from ENA who is really lovely. The dinner and people were great, and I'm planning on going again. Elcie and I are hoping to meet up inner city at a famous cafe!

 

It was a lovely day here today. Time flies though. I went down to Melbourne and got a medical clearance from the doctor to go back to work tomorrow.

 

Going out last night has made me want to go out more and really get a life, meeting lots of new people. The people last night were very social - there were our hosts - a young couple, 2 other couples, and Elcie and I. Everyone was friendly, poliite and interesting.

 

I so want to get over my ex fully, and don't think it's going to happen just by sitting around.

[Silverbirch]

Carla,

If you are there, I wanted to post this link as you are an online GF - bet we would love imbibing in retail therapy together. Anyway, today I saw this STUNNING Swvarvoski Crystal Pendant. I tried it on, but alas out of my price range - unless I was able to sell some of my other jewellry. Have a link to a pic of it - but the photo does not do it justice. It is a fine gold necklace with around 5 circles dangling from it which are alternately gold or crystal - and shiny. In the pic, it is under the butteryfly, below the blue neck piece, and is currently not available online. I bet you would like it too. It cost $315, but I think it's a timeless statement piece. I have something similar which is not real gold, very lovely, but I think I would get more wear out of the Swarvoski. What do you think?

 

link removed

[Silverbirch]

I was at hairdresser this morning for an early appointment. While I was waiting, I could hear these two young hairdressers talking. Both of them were laughing and sharing how they had told their boryfriends recently that they loved them, but weren't in love with them. I was really struck by their callousness, and they seemed to delight in saying how these young men were so in love with them, but that they didn't return the feelings. One was saying what a nice guy he was, how he did so much for her. Then she said how she always felt so relieved when he left her home. Then she laughed. Most of the time I saw this girl, she was looking at herself in the mirror. She was very pretty on the outside, but not on the inside to me anyway. I could see how a young guy could fall for her physical attributes and she seemed to laugh at everything she and others said.

 

Then she was using the word "relief" several times. I thought of my ex. My heart sank with disappointment and sadness, quickly followed by the knowledge that not all people are as shallow as that. I vowed to myself again that I will move on. If I find anyone who I feel is right for me and is worthy of my love, I might tryh again, but I am happier on my own than to be with a person who I know could break my heart over and over again.

 

As soon as I got home,sent a brief email to the ex with a possible date to collect my things. I just want to get what I have to and then know I won't see him again and then move right on to heal completely. Wonder if he will play his pathetic game again of waiting 5 days to respond to a simple email.

[Silverbirch]

Almost bedtime. I know my ex checks his emails several times a day so he would have received my mail before lunch time. Why is it such a big deal for him to simply mail back the words "Yes" or "No". I never would have believed 5 months ago how he would have behaved towards me. What is even more shocking to me is that I feel I am genuinely starting to hate him. I'm not a hating sort of person. I guess that's largely because I feel so hurt and right now very rejected, and have thought of the many subtle ways he has told me that other women are so much better than I am. This all seemed so hard to believe. I'm starting to harden now.

[elcie]

It's all part of the mind games people play to keep control of a situation. It's also just plain rude and unnecessary.

 

You're too good for him, silver.....I REALLY mean that!!!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Elcie. It really upset me when he took 5 days to answer my request to get my things, and then he said that day wasn't suitable. I had given him so much notice, and frankly don't believe he had something else on that night. It sickens me, there was no big argument - yes, he threw around a lot of unfair insults, and I just took most of it, largely because I didn't want to get drawn into his bs and down to that level. I had pretty much figured that anything I said would be used against me anyway.

 

Elcie, I so know that the time is going to come when I will wonder what the heck I saw in him, especially when I meet men who are much easier maintenance than he is. I could tell that one of those guys, at least, on Saturday night was much nicer, more genuinely sincere and down to earth than the ex. I'm talking about the guy who was the language teacher. Yeah, he was taken but there are sure to be some who aren't . The sooner I start socialising with other men - worthwhile ones, the better.

 

Elcie,even though I still have sadness, I'm seeing many ways my life is now better without him. He told me how selfish and self-centred I was when he dumped me, and I have since thought about things I gave up when I was with him because his health would not enabled me to do those things with him. I didn't care about giving those things up because I loveD him. Now that I'm not with him anymore, I can and am doing those things again, and it helps me feel younger, more alive and healthier -thing like bushwalking, swimming and I can't wait for more long walks on the beach. I'm going to make up for the time I lost.

 

You know, Saturday night, something happened before I arrived at Fabrizzio's. I had taken a wrong turn in the car, and was doing a 3 point turn in a street nearby and happened to turn at a nursing home. It had big glass windows and doors. As my car lights shone into the nursing home, this old guy shuffled very quickly to the door with much excitement. Poor guy probably thought somebody had come to visit him. It was before 7pm, Saturday night and he was in his jammies. It reminded me that we all should get in as much living as we can while we can.

[Silverbirch]

He still has not replied a simple yes or no to my email. Each time I check, I keep reminding myself to be prepared because any contact he makes with me, whether it be email, phone, or in person, he is a person who has hurt me in the past, and very, very likely to hurt me again. I'm expecting. I need to be prepared for it, and then soon, he will not be in my life in any shape or form.

[elcie]

Hi silver, That's a bit sad about the man in the nursing home.....it's a reality check for us all!

 

Stay strong while you wait!! It must be so annoying!!!

[Silverbirch]

Hi Elcie,

I just got a reply saying, "Hi Silver, that should be fine. I'll put the kettle on."

 

I'm going to make sure I stay very strong and be prepared for any unpleasant bombshells he may drop on me. I can't see that he would not be with a woman - sex is way too important to him to have been celibate for these last couple of months.

 

Oh yes, the poor old guy. It was really sad.

[elcie]

I hope it works out well for you, silver.

 

You'll know when you're truly over this guy when it wont worry you if he's with someone else. True happiness is letting go........

[Silverbirch]

Well, I think I need to tell myself that if he does tell me that, it's okay to feel upset, but not good for me to let him see that. Also that even though I will be upset, it will be part of the moving on processs.

 

I'm not in the least upset about my ex ex becoming engaged. Glad it isn't me. LOL! I'll remind myself of that.

[Silverbirch]

Yoohoooo, it's been getting a bit lonely in here. If anyone is reading here, feel free to post . . . please.

 

Anyway, got mail from my farrier last night who said he was coming out my way today and could drop by if I was home. That suited me so he came and did the ponies hooves and also asked me out this weekend. As I'm working, told him I'd have to take a raincheck, so we just agreed on some other time. I think that I really just like him as a friend. I'm not feeling any chemistry and I just get this feeling from different things he has said that he could be grumpy and dominating at times, and that's just the last sort of person I want to go out with. It was fun though that I got to try out some nonchalance and saw how it worked!!! LOL He also seemed to notice a change in my appearance and state of well-being since he last saw me a few weeks ago. We had a good ole chat though and a cup of tea. Obviously, our common interest is in horses and we have pretty much the same ideas in horse care. My ponies really like him and the dog doesn't mind him either.

 

The weather here was lovely today. I didn't have to work so spent most of the day outdoors. Feeling so much more rested and relaxed.

[elcie]

Hey silver, it's a shame you don't feel any chemistry with your farrier, but it must be a HUGE ego boost for you!!!!

 

The weather is unbelievable isn't it. I was outside weeding the garden and getting decidedly sweaty. It's winter, for goodness sakes!

 

Anyway.....hope your spirits are high and I hope you have chemistry with the next guy you meet, which will be soon, I'm sure.....