Silverbirches Healing Journal

[Silverbirch]

I'm feeling much more emotionally stable right now. There have been some further events regarding my ex, but it's too early to write just yet.

 

I have a meeting to go to soon (I'm still at home), and looking forward to my riding lesson tomorrow with plans to go to the buddhist study group tomorrow night. They say every cloud has a silver lining, well with the sacking at work, I will be able to rearrange my working hours with a lot more options, and I'm planning on doing this so that my social life is improved. I won't finish until 9pm tonight, but tomorrow off. Hoooray. At the end of the day, it is a job. MY life is more important although I do need to work to keep a roof over my head. Once my contract is finished, I'm sure I will be happy to go back to another job for a while where I will not have this level of responsibility, stress and exploitation.

[Silverbirch]

For a long time, I thought my ex was my best friend. I realise now, my best friend's name is Heather. We are similar in a lot of ways - both horsey girls and have our furry families, and our outlook on life. Heather has been there for me through good and bad times, including 2 breakups which I've taken very badly. I've also known Heather through 2 of her own breakups, and hope I have be there for her too. She's coming to stay with me in October (lives in another state), but co-incidentally or not, in a similar type of region - we both live in grape-growing/wine-producing regions with our furry familes. I'm so looking forward to her visit.

 

Well, better get ready for my riding lesson soon.

[Silverbirch]

In the last day, there have been a few emails exchanged between the ex and me basically wishing each other well and he has said he hopes we might be able to remain friends. They were just short mails as I contacted him with regard to collecting my property. The last I heard was yesterday morning. I wouldn't be getting my hopes up though about anything. It's possible I won't hear anything again, especially after I've collected the rest of my belongings.

 

I went to the new Buddhist group this evening. The one I've been involved with in the past was a Japanese branch, but as it was all very informal and in people's homes, it was not well organised or reliable, and not many meetings. I've managed to link in with another group which practices Tibetan buddhism which is what I was originally attracted to and what most of my books are based on. Tonight we did a healing meditation where we do a meditation to heal others. It was nice, and it did help me. I'm going to do it again tonight in bed.

 

My riding lesson didn't go so well today. I couldn't seem to get the knack of the up and down movement while doing a trot. I could do it fine on just a walk, but every time the horse broke into a trot, just couldn't maintain the standing and sitting. Really need to develop some strength in my legs and tummy. I was a bit surprised to see this morning that I've lost 2kgs since my last lesson a week ago. Instructor commented today that I need to be careful not to lose any more weight otherwise there will be problems with me having the strength to be doing what she is asking of me. She got cranky with me today telling me I wasn't trying enough to do what she was instructing. I was also riding a different horse today, an Arab X mare. She was lovely though. I'm going back next week and going to try and do some exercises to strengthen up.

 

Carla, if you are there, is there anything you know of to help with what I'm talking about. I so regret throwing out an old saddle which I could have mounted on a fence or something and practised on.

 

Well, I sent some healing during my meditation to all the people on ENA as well as others. Hugs. xxxx

[Silverbirch]

Is anyone else ever here? This thread gets lonely.

[ferna3069]

hey silver how have u been i havent talked to u in a long time

[elcie]

Hi silver, just letting you know, I read all your posts and have been following your progress....the process of healing is never straightforward but just know that there are people out there who care .....

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Ferna and Elcie,

It means a lot to me to know that you are both there. It usually feels like I'm just posting to myself. I hope you are well and Ferna, mail me anytime. xxx

[Silverbirch]

I've just received a phone call from the regional manager at work with big news - good and bad. I had mentioned that one of my workers, the one who did the most amount of hours, and who was most reliable has been stood down this week due to him having a public melt-down related to stress. The manager urged me to stand down due to both that sacking and that she said I've proven to be a first rate hands-on worker, but I've gotten behind with the administrative sided of things,that she appreciates how the staff shortages and stresses have influenced this, but she is exploring other options. She gave me the opportunity to stand down from that position. She has said that it will not go against me if in future I want to reapply for other team leader positions. She said that if I go into more of handson role, they will book me in for further training and I will be able to reapply in future. I've agreed to this. I'm tired of being in a no win situation. I know that I've done as good a job as anyone can do. It will be much easier for them to replace an administrator than a handson person. It will be for the good of the workplace, and I want to go and have a life again. I'm mostly relieved.

[ferna3069]

wow m happy for you silver. if you only knew the amazing person you are. you have been there for me so much / not only are you a good person by heart but your a good worker. and thats a real good thing.your also a beutiful lady and any men would be honerd to have you around. and i know how you feel about wanting people to post on your threads . for some support il be reading more i just did not want to bring you down while you where starting to do good u know

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Ferna, I would really like you and others to post here. It's hard for part of me not to feel as though I have failed in this position. The management are insisting that I will actually look better if I move by choice, and she is saying there is definitely the option for me to move back into management. Of course, she could just be saying that. When I think about it though, I know of somebody who has now been a manager for a couple of years who was previously in a team leader role such as myself with impossible expectations partly due to staff shortages and problems which existed in that position before she took it on. I actuallly have the capacity now to earn a bit more as I can pick up more penalty rates seeing that I don't have to be there so much in nonpenalty hours to do admin. To be truthful, the admin has been boring and there has been so much pressure for so many things there. I think also that I may not be hard-hearted enough. One thing that was said to me that did not go in my favor was that when I found out that worker had been sacked, I cried. I feel pretty cynical about how that system uses and abuses people. The admin people above me won't ever admit it, but they have been very unfair with how they have treated workers. I need to be very careful of protecing my own income and reputation. Thanks Ferna.

[ferna3069]

so you been working real hard and now you have the option to move up in the company or how does this work exacly?

[Silverbirch]

I wouldn't actually be moving up Ferna, in fact, it's a step down as far as status goes. They haven't been able to get handson staff for a long time, and then they went and sacked one of the workers who they are having real difficulty replacing. I know they have had to consider closing the facility down due to the staffing and other issues. In any case, I had been planning on applying to work in government at the end of the year. I would probably be earning $200 a week more and have a lot more opportunities for training and advancement, and a lot more options of different places to work. I'm feeling sort of relieved and optimistic.

[ferna3069]

oooh sorry i had truble understanding i thought it was like a raise.so you mean you dont want the position your in because its to much work for to little pay?and your happy that your going a step down because its more relaxed and easier to do?

[Silverbirch]

Yes, that's it Ferna. I'm feeling okay with it. Only 2 of the workers here know now, and they said they are disappointed I'm not going to be team leader, that I've done a great job and the management people have been unfair. At the end of the day, I'm happy about it and concede that I need to be looking after ME, and this will mean I can look after me better!

[ferna3069]

thats good silver im happy for you. i know how it feels to work hard and not get paid enough. your finally going to be able to relax .so what else is new?

[Silverbirch]

The ex is in the Friend Zone, and we have been in LC.

[rkw]

You sound better than last time I read your journal. I'm not sure how to articulate it exactly, but you sound stronger and more confident in yourself, which is such a great thing. I'm sorry that your workplace seems to be a bit of a mess at the moment. I just had an interview for a government job today, I really hope I get it since there's a lot of perks like you mentioned.

 

I've been keeping busy too, I've decided I'm not going to go to TAFE this semester, but apply for uni next year since I've finally decided what I'd like to do. I'm going to use the money that was for the course to hopefully travel with a good friend early next year. Other than that, it's all a bit same old same old, but in a good way. Also, I think you know already but I met Kev0s1983 last week which was really fun, I was a bit nervous since I've never been the type to meet people that I met online...but luckily he wasn't a lunatic and it was a nice evening.

 

P.s: That younger guy saying that you were beautiful is awesome!!! It doesn't sound like you need botox to me!

[Silverbirch]

Hey, that all sounds good rkw! I'm hoping to get to meet Kev some time too. Very sweet guy. Lol about the young guy!! That was funny and he was a sweetie too. I've decided not to go to work tomorrow. I will get a doctor's certificate and if work give me any probs with it, I might consider putting in a workcover application for stress. One of our client's parents found out tonight about me stepping down from the position, and she's upset and disappointed. Also found out about the guy "leaving". I couldn't tell her he was sacked as I haven't had any official instructions yet as to how to handle it. Already, I'm feeling more and more relieved that I'm going not to have to be the one to deal with all of this stuff, and I have little faith in management now, not just because of the sacking and how they have handled things with me, but for so many things they have done showing a lack of support and respect for workers. They are all people earning the big dollars and sitting in their offices. It will be good not having to deal with them any more or be expected to waste my time attending meetings which I think they call sometimes for the sole purpose of keeping themselves employed. LOL, I suppose if I ever choose to work in government, that is something I would need to get used to - government being notorious for that sort of thing.

 

Well, I'm going to do a couple of jobs tomorrow, buy a new rug for one of my ponies and chill out. Hugs to all and catch you soon. xxxx

[Realitynut]

Hi SB. haven't been on much. I wrote one night, and then pressed a wrong button, and everything disappeared. I was to bummed to type it all over. It's been a bad week for me. Unlike you, I don't do much work. I had just started a new "massage" business and I also do hair. Well after almost 4 years with him, the 3rd year, I was with him 17 days, then back home and worked only 4 or 5 days, then drove back to him for 17 days. I LOVED it!!! So this week I had NO customers on Monday or Wed. I won't even tell you about today...I am so unorganized. I went out on a date yest. where I had to drive 1 1/2 hrs to meet him. Didn't like him. I like no one I meet. People all ask, why would a woman 10 yrs. younger, and rich want him for !!! I said, I suppose the same reason I WANTED HIM!! He's handsome, and personable, and fun, and sweet, and a liar and a CHEAT!!!

 

He proposed to me July 5 last year. He met her JUne 24. The last time i saw him was 3 months ago tonite (actually by the time you read this...last nite) It's after 3 in the morning, and I just started a hot flash. It's in the 90's right now. That's really hot SB. I think I'll try to go swimming. by myself...oh great. It's fun to hae no friends. Family is goig to Wisconsin....I said, maybe I can go. No room. I'm an outcast.....

 

S.B. We rode Western, so We never posted. That would strengthen your legs. Western "sits" the saddle. I was never good at that. I just stood all the time. I was just a teen, and the horse either walked, or galloped....actually we usually were racing. So we stood and I alway hung onto the saddle horn, hehe, which you guys don't have!!! I'd hate to be talked to "cranky" by the instructer. It would probably hurt my feelings.

 

Ferna, did you skip the posts about our "periods" lol

[Realitynut]

Oh, by the way SB. I think ex is going to want you back. Really. Dan came back after a couple of months, but of course after the first wk, he knew he didn't wnt me, it just took him 4 months to actually get rid of me....and boy was he trying. I was like a pitbull who wouldn't let go. i bet he feels such relief.

 

You are a beautiful woman...no botox for you...save your money....or send it to me!!!

[Silverbirch]

LOL Carla! Well, I have this feeling that horseriding does really do something for a woman's anatomy. Like I mentioned, hadn't had a period for months and monts, and I just sort of feel different. I'm sure it speeds up the metabolism. To be honest, I just want to really be able to plod and walk mostly. I don't really enjoy the trotting, but I need to be able to have intermediate skills before I buy my own horse which I can ride around on the property where I live. I didn't have too many problems standing up in the stirrups, it's trying to sit down and then rise once the horse has gone into a trot. My balance and timing get thrown out - because I can do the rise and sit when the horse is walking!!! It was frustrating. If this instructor gives up on me, I will just go to another, and another until I get it!

 

I took today off work, went to a doctor and told him about what is happening at work. I told him I took the day off to de-stress, that I don't feel I'm on the vergeof a breakdown or anything - especially as I take care of myself. However, given my employers track record of how they have treated other staff in relation to overwork, I would like my stressful state documented. We had a discussion and agreed that whilst I don't wish to put in a workcover claim for simply one day, should the situation at work be exacerbated by decisions of management especially, I will put in a workcover claim. He told me, about lodging paperwork withj my employer should that happen and then to come back to him, and he will complete the rest of the paperwork! I say, it's time for me to look after me because not likely anyone else will.

 

Well tomorrow is the day I'm meant to be having the Botox. I hope it all eventuates. It was weird because I had to book it online and haven't heard anything back, so I'm just going to show up at the appointed time, and do whatever I can to make them see me and give me the jabs. I'm pretty certain so long as I can pay, it will be okay.

 

Well, as I mentioned, I've lost quite a bit of weight. Didn't realise how much I had put on in the 4 years of being with the ex, but now my weight and jeans size is right where I was when I met him, and he thought I was "hot" and irrestible. I thought I must have gone down a bra size as they seemed loose so I went and got fitted for a new bra, and the salesgirl said to me that sometimes the bras just stretch so I was a bit shocked to find that I may even be a little larger up there (size D cup or DD in some brands).

 

Anyway, I know I'm not meant to have any expectations, but can have goals. Well, I still have things of mine to get off the ex, so I'm planning to meet up in a couple of weeks time. Won't see him for very long, but I'm becoming educated in how to best put my ex and ease, and hopefully, he might be reminded of why he wanted to be with me so much when he first met me. I'll make sure I'm wearing some perfectly-fitting stretch jeans with my boots and look good. Doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with him or anything like that. As we are in the Friend Zone now, I'm hoping to just have a brief pleasant chat, and then maybe we will catch up again further down the track. Hehehe

 

I have however been reading up on attraction and will concede I find a specific authors view to be most likely correct. That is, none of us, no matter what we do can simply make another person attracted. She believes that we are all born with a type of blue-print as to what a person of the opposite or other sex (if we are gay) would have to have for us to feel attracted. As I've said before, my ex is overweight, doesn't have the stereotyped qualities generally considered attractive although he is tall, but I'm extremely attracted to him. I love his smell and his warmth, and how he feels when I curl up with him. It's so hard to describe. Well, even at the time of the "break", he said something to me which was quite overt which would make most women to believe that there was still a physical attraction, but that he was angry with me because he thought I wasn't as available. Silly man!

 

I've been doing some of the meditations today and they are helping. I like it a lot.

 

Well, I should do some cleaning and then curl up with a good book. Hugs, xxxx

[Silverbirch]

I travelled all the way to Melbourne today for the Botox, but it was a big stuff-up. The doctor is still overseas. Sounds silly, but I felt both sad and panicky and thought I'd go walk around the city and find out if there was anywhere else I could have it done. I walked into a hairdressing salon and asked them if they either did it there or knew where I could get it done. The guy was very helpful and as he was talking to me, I realised that I had seen a very good wrap on the Salon at Vogue Forums. It's the most awarded salon in Melbourne. While I was there, I thought I would just ask the guy what he would suggest I have done with my hair. He wanted to change the shade of blonde using 2 different tones and suggested also that I have a relaxant (semi-permanent straightener and keratin treatment put in my hair). The cost was quite phenomenal, but I thought maybe I'll just stay here so I had it done. It was weird in a nice way. The salon was just filled with"beautiful people". Obviously a lot of models, and a guy who looked very much like Eric Bana the actor. I was there for 5 hours and yes, it was quite a transformation. The staff were very friendly and told me about where some of them had Botox and other treatments and got given a telephone number of a doctor who has a clinic where he also does blood tests to measure hormone and vitamin levels, and it is bulk-billed (so should get at least some if not all free - except for Botox). I wouldn't be able to afford to go to this place for everything, but gotta say, I think I'm hooked. I will go there to get my color done in future and the straightening 2-3 times per year. That procedure has made my hair look a couple of inches longer, and they all suggested I grow it another 3 inches longer.

 

On the train home, I was sort of going into 2 minds about whether I had spent too much money. I have this habit of getting sad on trains and teary, especially if the carriage is empty or near-empty. I then started thinking about my ex and didn't think anyone would notice. I had a tear roll down my face. Next thing I knew this lady came over to me with a packet of tissues and said I could have them then just went back to her seat. I was touched by the unexpected kindness of a stranger. It was lovely.

 

When I got home, first thing my male housemate said was: "What have you done to your hair?" I was like: "Um oh what do you mean - good or bad?" He replied: "You've had it straightened. It looks very nice." His girlfriend was nearby and came to have a look. The verdict was it looks great.

 

Anyway, tomorrow night I go for pizza with the Italian-speaking group. There are around 6 people going and I've never met any of them before. Also, I've found out that the Buddhist Meditation Centre I'm now associated with has weekend meditation retreats which go for Friday night, all Saturday and Sunday. It's very, very reasonably priced so I will aim to go to one in the next couple of months. I can't see how I wouldn't benefit from it.

 

Today, I thought about my ex and how I am open to reconciliation at some point further down the track - if we had BOTH worked on ourselves and there were changes. I had to concede to myself that there is a good chance this will never happen, and that I could very well get hurt along the way. I've thought this out, and I will risk it, though I will take steps to make myself as strong as I can and to prepare myself for that sort of thing. Common sense tells me that regardless of what happens, I should also be open to the idea that somewhere along the way, at some point, I will meet somebody else who I might love - it could even be mutual. I know there is a possibility that my ex is with somebody else. I don't know, and frankly right now, I don't want to know. Sooner or later, he will be going out with other people, but I'm catching myself more and more and trying to be positive. That could well be a good thing for him to be going out with other people because if we ever are to get together again, I know I would want to know that he has "chosen me" and not just settled for me. My confidence isn't great right now. My ex ex cheated with lots of women, and the scars from that have left me with some insecurities, especially as some of the women were much, much younger than I am. It does contribute to me being insecure about my looks and scared of getting old - or at least looking old.

 

Well, these healing meditations at least relax me and help me to feel good so I'll do some more soon.

 

If anyone is reading here, feel free to post. Love to say hello. Hugs.

[elcie]

Hi silver,

 

Just read your post and am amazed that you were able to just walk in and get your hair done at a top salon. You usually have to book in advance. How lucky can you get! It sounds as if they have done a great job; as they should for the prices they charge!

 

Anyway, I hope the meditation retreats will help you achieve the happiness within yourself that you seek, regardless of what happens with your ex,

 

Best wishes and hugs, elcie

[Silverbirch]

Hugs back at you Elcie. Yes, I was amazed too, and very surprised at how nice the staff were. I mean I know they were being paid HEAPS, but they were very down to earth and nice to be around, and even a lady client sitting next to me talked to me and gave me a herbal tea bag of hers to try. Then there were these 2 young girls who looked like models - one a younger lookalike of Sarah Jessica Parker. They both had hair extensions put in which looked so natural and were showing them to me. I enjoyed myself while I was there, and it was relaxing. The salon is called "Headline" and is in that big complex called ?Australia on Collins in Collins Street. The guy who did my color only works there on Saturdays as he now works as a Color Consultant with a hair product company but likes to continue some salon work. Angela ?Pappas is the top colorist in Victoria. She dried my hair. She and her hubbie Sam own the salon. I love Angela's hair. Apparently, it's natural state is dark fuzz almost afro. You should see it now though. It is gorgeous - straight, blonde, but natural looking, about half way down her back. Angela has had the same treatments I had today. It makes your hair much softer too.

 

Yes, thank you Elcie, I need to achieve happiness whatever the outcome of my relationship and life. That was the very thing they were talking about at the meditation group on Wednesday. Thanks Elcie. xxxx

[Kev0s1983]

Hey missy

 

As you know this site has become less important to me these days and am feeling heaps better sounds like you are taking great care of yourself! As you know, I met Rach wednesday and whilst she was relieved I was not a complete lunatic (only part loon i guess...) I have to say she IS totally insane

 

I am really happy you started this healing diary so I can check in and see whats going on. I havent had a massively productive weekend as it was my older sister's birthday party last night and drunk a silly ammount! Im going to a Thai restaurant with a certain loony this coming wednesday and looking forward to it a lot. Not just for the new experience of Thai food you wrote something a couple of posts up - "I'm catching myself more and more and trying to be positive". This is something that (for me at least) just started happening a while back. Im generally a really upbeat chap but the wind was knocked from my sails - as you know better than anyone - but time, provided you make use of that time, is a wonderful healer. You will be an inspiration to many reading your thread and hope one day to have you teach me how to ride a horse perhaps? - It will provde you ample opportunity to point and laugh

 

Keep smiling missy

 

Kx