The age of 25

[lostnscared]

As an observation, I have noticed that most of the people on this thread supporting young marriage are people that are young who are engaged. The thread has also gotten very personal instead of staying on topic, despite what was said earlier. Please don't get defensive, but are you trying to justify each others' decision to get married while young? I don't think age is as much of a factor for marriage success as much the inherent reason for wanting to get married. Are you marrying the person or the idea?

 

I agree with you... LOL. I think those of us who are against it (like myself) or those that aren't engaged and married are the ones that wouldn't get and aren't engaged under 25.

[_Asti_]

I was just making conversation and talking to people. Certainly not justifying anything here. I know my reasons and felt like sharing. Not seeking approval.

 

Since if it makes you feel better I will be 25 in two months. Then it will be 'okay' to be engaged and getting married.

[OptomisticGirl]

As an observation, I have noticed that most of the people on this thread supporting young marriage are people that are young who are engaged. The thread has also gotten very personal instead of staying on topic, despite what was said earlier. Please don't get defensive, but are you trying to justify each others' decision to get married while young? I don't think age is as much of a factor for marriage success as much the inherent reason for wanting to get married. Are you marrying the person or the idea?

 

I don't think there is any justification needed for those of us getting married young, just as someone who wants to wait doesn't need to justify. We are all just simply stating how we view the situation. Naturally someone young who is going to get married is going to go with the 'under 25' thought and those not married over 25 will go the other way. Human nature.

 

I can't speak for anyone else but I'm marrying CS for him. Marriage is not this fairy tale Disney protrays it to be. It's hard work, constant work, and changes as does the two people involved. I can see why some people can fall in love with the idea of marriage (thank you Disney).

[SayWhen]

Well, personal experiences are relevant to this thread since a lot of young ENArs are getting married. Others have shared opinions as well. I'm not trying to justify anything...there's really no need but of course most of us who are younger have received more tentative comments than those who are older and marrying. Most who are 25 and older are met with congrats, while those who are younger are not...I find that interesting.

[OptomisticGirl]

Well, personal experiences are relevant to this thread since a lot of young ENArs are getting married. Others have shared opinions as well. I'm not trying to justify anything...there's really no need but of course most of us who are younger have received more tentative comments than those who are older and marrying. Most who are 25 and older are met with congrats, while those who are younger are not...I find that interesting.

 

I know for me and CS we were met with nothing but congrats on the board, and I can't remember one time Asti, Hers, Tink, or anyone else in the bridal thread commented on how young I was getting married.

[SayWhen]

I'm not just talking about the board. I'm your age and I have received comments from peers who cannot understand marrying before 25. Of course, it makes sense since readiness is not exactly widespread throughout the 20-24 bracket...I just find it really interesting that 25 constantly pops up.

[OptomisticGirl]

lol, well my family had their concerns but it wasn't over us getting married with me being young and so soon, it was the fact he lives 4,000 miles away. But when they met him even they changed their tune. Everyone I know in my age bracket is already married. Literally, of 85 people who graduated in my senior class, 7 of us aren't married yet and only 30 of us don't have kids.

[SayWhen]

I suppose it also depends upon where you live. I am in Philadelphia so it's a bit different...no one that I know of from my graduating class is married.

[lostnscared]

I suppose it also depends upon where you live. I am in Philadelphia so it's a bit different...no one that I know of from my graduating class is married.

 

I live in Chicago. It's not the norm to be married young where I live. A majority of those that I DO know that got married younger, were really the exception. But what I have noticed is since graduating college two years ago, there are NOW a ton of people that are engaged, and if they were older than me--married. Some even have kids. But again it isn't as "normal" as people like me who are in relationships, but aren't engaged or married. I think it does really depend on the location. I know in Chicago it's expensive to live here, so I'm sure finances are a reason that a lot of people don't get married young, but I know that in the southern locations, or even in some other midwestern locations it's cheaper COA and a lot easier to do it financially.

[longdist]

To be honest, I was a little shocked in the op that 25 was a questionable age, although I personally put a threshold of 27 for myself. The biggest reasons were to become stable first and then I'd consider it. What is relevant is the same things that are getting repeated on this thread and really the inner workings of why you are getting married, not why you think you are getting married, but the subconscious reason. Also, when I consider a marriage successful, I don't consider it one that doesn't end in divorce, but instead consider it one where both parties are happy. Many of the married people I have spoken to often say that kids are the main thing holding the marriage together, but that they are otherwise unhappy. Their general advice is to be darn sure that you will continue liking the person that you will marry.

[OptomisticGirl]

To be honest, I was a little shocked in the op that 25 was a questionable age, although I personally put a threshold of 27 for myself. The biggest reasons were to become stable first and then I'd consider it. What is relevant is the same things that are getting repeated on this thread and really the inner workings of why you are getting married, not why you think you are getting married, but the subconscious reason. Also, when I consider a marriage successful, I don't consider it one that doesn't end in divorce, but instead consider it one where both parties are happy. Many of the married people I have spoken to often say that kids are the main thing holding the marriage together, but that they are otherwise unhappy. Their general advice is to be darn sure that you will continue liking the person that you will marry.

 

I do agree on this as well, you can get married at 30 and do it for the wrong reasons. There are just so many things to consider when getting married, and we all have our own list of expectations to be met before that occurs. Mine was fairly simple: a man who loves me above all other women, who will take care of me (doesn't mean support me but take care of me emotionally), not cheat, not lie to me, a hard worker, stable of mind, wants children, and a vast array of smaller things. A lto of people have questioned why we are getting married so soon and all I can say is 'when you know, you know.' I don't know what the future holds and i don't pretend to. In 30 years we could end in divorce. All I know is in this moment I can see a lifetime with him.

[newwave]

I live in Chicago. It's not the norm to be married young where I live. A majority of those that I DO know that got married younger, were really the exception. But what I have noticed is since graduating college two years ago, there are NOW a ton of people that are engaged, and if they were older than me--married. Some even have kids. But again it isn't as "normal" as people like me who are in relationships, but aren't engaged or married. I think it does really depend on the location. I know in Chicago it's expensive to live here, so I'm sure finances are a reason that a lot of people don't get married young, but I know that in the southern locations, or even in some other midwestern locations it's cheaper COA and a lot easier to do it financially.

 

 

I've seen this too and most of my friends married in their 30's. In fact I know many 40's and even 50's people still unmarried because of the cost.

[newwave]

I know people who married before 25 and all of them are now divorced. Also, I think it's dangerous to marry someone you've only dated a year. I know several who married at 25 and still married, including my brother and sister in law (who incidentally broke up and made up many times in ten years before they married).

[Circe]

Well you're still changing and growing a lot emotionally in your early 20s (or at least, a lot of people are). Marriage needs the two people to be on pretty much the same wave length - or as close to the same as possible - for things to work smoothly I think.

 

With a lot of things in life - approaching them in your late 20s does feel different to approaching them in your early 20s and much of that comes down to life experience and growth. I mean would you not be worried for a 16 yr old who decided to get married? They are the same reasons to worry about people in their early 20s. Doesn't mean it won't work - you just worry if you care about them because you know how much growth and change there is in those years to come.

[Circe]

It comes down tot he person I believe. You can have two very mature young people just as easily as you can have two unmature people over 25.

 

You always have people at both extreme ends of the bell curve. The problem is, the vast majority of people fall within the centre of the bell curve. But unfortunately, too many people want to believe that they are the exception. The people who love them don't want to sit and prey that these kids they love fall within the 1.5% of the population that would fall within the extremes of any normal curve. So naturally.. peoples concerns don't get swept away by pointing out that there are exceptions to every rule.

 

That said - OP - marriage is one of those things, it really is a good idea to hear various objections and understand where they are coming from and really think about it. If after doing all that, your mind is made up - you just have to trust that the people who love you want you to succeed, however worried for you they are.

 

BTW - the 'change' is not solely a reference to maturity. There's often a significant change in personality which relates in part to the fact that the brain is not fully formed in the early 20s. And by personality, I don't mean just those aspects of it that we attribute to maturity (like responsibility, for example). It's wider than that. I know personally, I am a different person to the girl I was in my early 20s. So much so that if we met .. I'm not sure we'd understand each other.

[Circe]

We feel the actual ceremony is very personal and we don't want to make it a "show." I'm not saying all weddings are like that but I have been to many that feel really impersonal due to it. Instead, we are having a "send off" that includes friends and family before we leave to get married. Basically a big party to celebrate.

 

I think this is a nice idea. My wedding was too big for my liking and it felt impersonal to me - everything except the actual ceremony/vow exchange felt impersonal. But I had so much adrenalin running through me during the ceremony that I literally had no awareness of anyone else in the room for that 20 minute period. And that was the only part I truly enjoyed (and I still think of it as the best 20 minutes of my life).

 

I agree with you that it's an intensely personal thing to some people. To others its about family and friends and celebrating with them. You just have to know which of those two groups you really fall within and do it in the way that suits you best (provided that doesn't upset too many loved ones of course!)

[OptomisticGirl]

I've seen this too and most of my friends married in their 30's. In fact I know many 40's and even 50's people still unmarried because of the cost.

 

That's why you do a courthouse wedding like we are, lol

[doiiiieeezie]

I've seen this too and most of my friends married in their 30's. In fact I know many 40's and even 50's people still unmarried because of the cost.

 

The cost has nothing to do with getting married. Getting a marriage certificate doesn't have to end up being a 10-50 k expense. It's simply that they choose NOT to be married.

[BriarRose]

I know a woman who was a teenage mother who has been happily married for over 20 years to him. There are no "rules" for these things. I don't even see why a couple has to be financially secure to tie the knot (kids yes, marriage no).

[lostnscared]

I know a woman who was a teenage mother who has been happily married for over 20 years to him. There are no "rules" for these things. I don't even see why a couple has to be financially secure to tie the knot (kids yes, marriage no).

 

Because being financially secure ensures stability. It's very important that the beginning stages of a marriage are "stable", because when they aren't it makes the adjustment that much more difficult. I've always thought the mentality that "Oh we can get married broke and poor, working minimum wage" is highly immature and not realistic at all. Marriage is already difficult the first few years, but when you add instability, a poor financial situation, AND a young couple it just makes marriage more difficult than need be. Why would you go down such a "hard road" when you don't have to?

For most people they'd rather have a "smooth sailing" first few years rather than constantly worrying about money, living paycheck to paycheck and not being able to do amazing things with their "so".

Like I said before, you don't have to be wealthy nor do you have to make six figures to get married, but you both should make enough to where you are comfortable, and to where you are stable. That is very important, and I've noticed that the couples who married when they were poor were FAR more unhappy than those that married when they were stable. And some people prefer to have kids shortly after being married.

For me, after a year or two of being married, I would like to start having children. Already being "stable" prior to marriage, makes it that much easier for us to come together that first year and start a savings nest, without worrying about finances.

[lostnscared]

I so agree with you here. I think a lot of people discount the possibility that they will change GREATLY from who they were as a young twenty something straight out of college versus a middle-to-late twenty something that has been working in her career for years, has a much more different approach to life and is much more stable, and not as idealistic. When I think about how I was at 20 versus how I am at 23, I'm amazed at the changes I've made. I'm certainly not the same person. My bf is DEFINITELY not the same man he was two years ago. I think that people discount these "personality" changes, and "massive" growth that you go through between the ages of 20-25.

Change is constant, for sure, but arguably there is MUCH more change that occurs from the time you are 18-25 than you'll ever truly experience. I think people like to "think" that they are the exceptions just as you said, but most people aren't. Far more of the world is average and ordinary and simply won't be those few that make it through the marriage. This isn't really to discourage anyone, but it's merely the truth.

When my best friend decided to get married at 20 she thought she was the exception. At that time, nothing mattered except the fact that they "knew it was right", and that they were "ready". Four years later she hates him, and they are only together for the kids. They weren't the exception. Though prior to marriage they were very much in love, so much that it was sickening. Beyond that, EVERYONE older gave them advice, and they chose to ignore it, to say it didn't apply, to counter it, and to be optimistic. In the end, everyone who had given them advice to "wait" were actually correct. For all intent and purposes she has been with her husband(who is my boyfriend's cousin) for as long as I have been with my boyfriend. And there are MASSIVE changes in how her relationship with her husband is versus my relationship with my boyfriend. I hate to say it, but I do believe that if they would have waited to have kids and waited to get married, they would be better off.

[lavenderdove]

I think it is far more important that you know the person well you are marrying. Perhaps they are not so concerned that you will be only 23, but that you will only know the person for a year when you marry him, and perhaps you should wait til you've gotten past the initial infatuation stage before you make such a big decision.

 

There's an old expression, 'marry in haste, repent in leisure' that holds a lot of truth... i see more trouble with people marrying someone they don't know that well where they had a whirlwind courtship and marriage before a few years of knowing htem, than someone who REALLY knew the person and had seen them in lots of circumstances over a few years to know what they were really getting.

 

If you are lucky he will turn out to be the person you hope him to be, but it is very common to think you know a person after dating them a few months, when you really don't...

[SayWhen]

Let me pose this question: why in the past have courtships been brief, and marriages long, and now we hold the belief in this society that one of the big reasons for divorce is short courtship? We all know what the divorce rate is...but is courtship really one of the main factors? I have to wonder since I've known many people who have waited and divorced, and some who have been "hasty" and are very happily married. As I said before, someone will only divulge what they want to no matter the length of courtship, and since the only constant in life is change, there is no telling what new developments may occur, married or not. It seems to be a leap of faith no matter how many precautions are taken to prevent divorce. I think you know compatibily from the get-go...and everything else is a journey you either take together or apart...that decision is up to the couple. That sounds naive, but I believe it.

[OptomisticGirl]

I don't think it has to do with courtship, and I don't believer that just because CS and I will be getting married a few days before our one year anniversary. My grandparents will be married 51 years this coming Dec. They knew each other 3 weeks before getting married. They have had a lot of ups and downs (as all couples do) but through it all have stuck it out. My mother married my father after two weeks of knowing him. They divorced when I was eight years old but not because she fell out of love with him or anything. He cheated and abused her. I have another family member who was with her guy 11 years then married him, only for him to end up abusing her after they were married. Sometimes it doesn't matter how long you have been together, long or short.

 

Marriage is like anything else in life. It's a gamble. I'm going into my marriage knowing there will be hard times and that there will be change, and I don't know the future. Just as with having children you can never fully 100% be prepared for mariage I believe. There is always that adjustment period, whether you are financially stable or have been with that person for years. Going from GF and BF to husband and wife always entails adjustment.

[Blue Spiral]

Let me pose this question: why in the past have courtships been brief, and marriages long,

 

Because divorces were much harder to obtain, there was a greater social stigma against them, and it was much harder for women to find employment and thus survive without men.