The age of 25

[SayWhen]

I definitely understand where you're coming from. I've had four serious relationships, one was seven years long. I never would have married him no longer HOW long we were together because we were not right for each other. Obviously, my FH and I may not be right for each other either, but we both feel we are and are both trying to and will continue to try to put 100% into our relationship because it's what we both want. Down the road we may divorce, though he hates it when I even mention the possibility...but that's reality. No one knows the future. Life is constantly changing...one of us could die later today. I'm not trying to be morbid, I'm just saying that there is never "security"...just the false sense of it that we build for ourselves. I of course have some for myself, I'm sure. I'm not marrying for any of the reasons that I often see people marrying for, and it will be just me and my FH marrying in a very intimate ceremony. We want to make the commitment of a lifetime through marriage, not run around making a "big day" and showing off rings (by the way, I refused an engagement ring for several reasons). I have one friend who refuses to marry without an engagement ring and it has always irked me...that is never what it should be about.

[lostnscared]

Not to defend the OP, but also as you get older, there are fewer years available for you to get divorced. That doesn't change the drastic drastic difference between 24 and 30.

 

 

Fantastic points. If you really love each other, then being married should not change anything. So why rush it, ending a relationship is much easier than ending a marriage if things don't work out. If you think you'll always love each other, then it shouldn't matter if you wait 20 years to get married. I've thought about marriage in past relationships and later have come to be very happy that I did not get married. It is good to give it some time and really think about it.

 

That is one of the reasons that I've never felt the need to get married now. Being with each other for as long as we have, I feel secure in the fact that even if we waited an extra few years, it wouldn't take away from anything. The same reason that I've never lived with a "so" either. Anyway I guess the opposite response would be--if we love each other why wait?

There are plenty of good reasons to wait, but there are also pretty convincing arguments for why not to wait.

Just depends.

[rosephase]

My guess would be that most 20-24 year old individuals do not have roots and marriage really does require roots (a secure job, secure housing, secure finances, secure relationships outside of the marriage) which would be much more likely after 25.

 

That's the answer to your question right there. Plus the fact that almost ALL people getting married _know_ they are ready and a bunch of them are wrong. So when someone is in that age (and moving very fast) says they are ready and they know what they are doing... it sounds like anyone else in that age (or any other age) people from the outside can't tell and often people from the inside can't tell.

[lostnscared]

Honestly from what you describe you two sound like a really strong couple. So (me being nosey) your just having the ceremony between you and him--no family or friends watching?

Also something I'm curious about, is everyone supportive of you marrying him at your age, and with the length of time you dated?

When my brother almost got married when he was 24, everyone discouraged him, including my parents who ironically were married at 23. He postponed the wedding--like everyone recommended--and got married to her when he was 26.

[SayWhen]

I'm not saying that I know without a doubt that he is the one I will be with for the rest of my life, but I certainly do FEEL that way (why would anyone ever get married otherwise) and we both believe and have talked about always working through the struggles of life before resorting to ending our relationship, married or not. We have already faced several very difficult situations, and one of them was worse than anything I've ever faced in my life, and we were able to get through it together and we came out much stronger due to it. I don't want to go into depth, but believe me, if we both didn't feel that this will work for a lifetime, marriage would not be on the table no matter the length of the relationship. I have always felt that way.

 

We're being married by a friend, just myself and my FH, no other friends or family. We feel the actual ceremony is very personal and we don't want to make it a "show." I'm not saying all weddings are like that but I have been to many that feel really impersonal due to it. Instead, we are having a "send off" that includes friends and family before we leave to get married. Basically a big party to celebrate. Everyone is supportive except for my dad but my dad and I are not on speaking terms so I can't say I am exactly moved by his disapproval. I've just heard of it from my mom.

 

Off to work for now...will be interested to read more responses later!

[3boys]

I say age is just a number. Hubby and I were the same ages as you and your fiance when we got married and we've been married 16 years. We are one of those couples who, statistically, SHOULD be divorced:

1. We had only been dating 6 months when we got married

2. I was pregnant so we "had" to get married

3. Our age difference

4. My age when we got married

 

People at our wedding were honestly "taking bets" as to how long our marriage would last. The longest time was 5 years...shortest was 9 months. Of those couples, we are the ONLY ones still together. 2 of them have been divorced TWICE! I joke that we have stayed together so long just to prove everyone wrong, but it's really because we STILL love each other. Yeah, there have been rough times, but I don't think ANY marriage is 100% trouble-free.

[DreamerGirl27]

1. You only live once. If you live until 70, you're spending 50 of those years married to the absolute perfect person for you that you love and you gave 1% of your life to figure that out because you knew it in your heart almost instantly. (I don't think these statistics of percentage are accurate, I'm just going off of what you put and I don't feel like figuring out the exact percentage of this). You will have a beautiful family, kids that will grow up to love you, you'll never have to worry about being alone for the rest of your life, you will always be surrounded by people that love and care about you (even if you should get divorced).

 

That's really all I got, but I also believe in soul mates, as in, 1 special person for everyone. So, when I find him, I don't care if I'm 55 or 12 (this is a joke), I want to get the ball rolling and start my life with them.

 

Also...why does everyone always worry about how financially stable they are? Maybe if you are going to start a family...but if it's JUST you and the other person, you could both work at Walmart and afford to be able to at least live in a small apartment together. What more do you need other than people you love in life? Why do you need a huge house and a great career before you marry? If you are going to marry, it's probably best you life a few years alone together, without the constraint of kids anyway. Work on your careers in the process. Together. Can't think of a better way to do it.

[lostnscared]

That sounds so romantic and cute. That was one of the things I had thought about doing with my boyfriend once we were to get married. I think it's really good idea, inexpensive as well!

I wish you two luck and I from your responses so far I think that you two seem pretty solid, so I wouldn't allow the stats to be a factor in your decision. I'm sorry about your dad.

[lostnscared]

Honestly that "mentality" is the same mentality many young people have toward marriage, hence the rate for divorce. I don't think many people would find it very appealing to be making 8 dollars an hour at Walmart, trying to support a husband/wife, pay bills and make way for their careers. That is such a hard road to take. And I know people who have taken it, and it was not as romantic as it sounds. It was actually pretty hard for them.

Even if you don't have kids, it's still a good idea to be stable(financially, and emotionally) before getting married. No you don't have to make six figures to get married, but IMO making minimum wage, and living in a rinky-dink apartment is far from ideal for most people. For myself I've always felt that when your married, you have a house, or a nice apartment, stable careers, good finances, amongst other things. I would never dream of getting married if I was broke or making minimum wage.

And the main reason why is because when you start off "poor" when your married, it's a lot harder to bounce back or to pave your way. It's just better to be as stable as possible before marriage.

[dr_styles]

I caught up with a work friend recently, a full family Dad type of person almost twice my age, and his advice to me was to not wait too long for kids. If you want a family start between 25-30. I mean that's probably based on the previous generations marrying in their early 20s though. But his reasons are based on still true points in my opinion; basically think 10 to 15 years in the future, where the kids are most active, have the most free time to travel and go on holidays. If you wait too long then you'll be "too old to keep up", something he has trouble doing now.

 

If you wait till your 30+ to get married, add on a few years or more before having a child, that could be a lot of trouble later. That's not to say it should override any doubts over getting married in the first place, but as we're seeing it varies a lot as to whether a marriage actually works or not at certain ages.

[longdist]

Hmmm. You have a very dangerous viewpoint, and I'm sorry, but I'm about to attack it and make it personal. You can still spend 50 years w/ the person you love, but that doesn't mean you have to be married the entire time. For something as important as 50 years of your life, it is just sound judgment to understand the decision your making before you jump in head first (esp b/c of the honeymoon phase in relationships). It is insecure to say that love is all that matters in life. If you depend on others for happiness, then I'm sorry but that idealistic world will eventually come crumbling down. Life will become a big disappointment if that is your viewpoint. Also you state, that you will have a beautiful family, kids, and someone for the rest of your life. I hate to be the downer, but love is never guaranteed. You won't be alone for the rest of your life? Marriage can end, family members pass away. Kids can grow to hate their parents. What if they get killed? What if you can't have kids? What if they become criminals? All of this stuff you speak of is very idealistic. It is important to be able to be happy with one's self and to not be dependent on these other things. You are the only guarantee in your own life. Anyhow, I'll get off my soap box.

 

Yes, love can be one of the greatest things in life, but there is also much more to life.

[lostnscared]

That isn't the first time I've heard that. Personally I've wanted to be a younger mom, and have always figured I would probably end up pregnant a year after I got married, simply because I really want to have a baby. But I think children is a completely different ballpark from what the OP was talking about. She already made it clear that she has no intentions on having kids right away. So for her, that isn't a concern. For myself, having kids right away, would probably happen, lol. Another great reason for me to wait a couple more years before I get married.

[Lamour detruit]

25 in general is too young. People change around a lot, especially since they are just starting their career and tend to not know what they want yet. The overwhelming statistics on this matter says it all, most are doomed. If you love the person, you may as well wait.

 

And yes, being financially stable is very important and a cause of divorce in many cases..those who say it does not matter are living in a fairytale where reality does not matter.

[daffodil444]

I say age is just a number. Hubby and I were the same ages as you and your fiance when we got married and we've been married 16 years. We are one of those couples who, statistically, SHOULD be divorced:

1. We had only been dating 6 months when we got married

2. I was pregnant so we "had" to get married

3. Our age difference

4. My age when we got married

 

People at our wedding were honestly "taking bets" as to how long our marriage would last. The longest time was 5 years...shortest was 9 months. Of those couples, we are the ONLY ones still together. 2 of them have been divorced TWICE! I joke that we have stayed together so long just to prove everyone wrong, but it's really because we STILL love each other. Yeah, there have been rough times, but I don't think ANY marriage is 100% trouble-free.

 

 

good for you two so many things contribute to the success or lack thereof of a marriage. my friend's parents got married six weeks after they met (in their mid twenties i think), and they had a long and happy marriage of about 40 years before her father passed away. i was highly surprised when she told me that fact since she and her immediate family are very close and rarely fight. but they made it work.

[_Asti_]

I think its fluke that I will be married when I'm 25.

Does it feel like the magical number? No. It just so happens to be the time in my life when I am settled into a home, working in my career, and ready for the next step in our relationship.

 

For my fiance, he felt his magical 'number' was 30. And he's spot on and will be 30 when we get married.

 

Its totally personal, but I think overall...its probably the most 'common' age when a person is settled, working and potentially ready for that next step in a relationship. I cannot even guess how many of my social aquaintances between my sister and I [we are a year apart] who have gotten engaged, married or will be married within the next year or two. The girls are all varying from 24-26.

[OptomisticGirl]

It all depends on the people, age has nothing to do with it. There are mature 20 year olds, and there are immature 40 year olds. I don't understand the magical number of 25. There is no problem in having goals you want to reach before marriage (lostnscqred has some great life goals) but I think its premature to say oh, ill never marry before 25. You just don't know when you will be ready.

 

Also, there is kore to consider in divorce rates then age. Was there cheating? Abuse? Naturally grew apart? Any number of reasons and they are the same reasons for older people. To say a percentage of young couples divorce based on nothing but there age Is false. There are other factors to consider. Are young people more likely to just jump into it, yes. But flip side of the token older people are too.

 

I'll be 22 when we get married, him 26. We are both children of divorce and therefore to us, personally, marriage Is not something we just decided to jump into one day. I think as long as a couple-of any age-always knows there will be change, you will change as people, but you havebto do it together, they can survive. It's when a couple changes apart that thingshead south.

 

Same goes for length of dating. Every person is different.

[tha16thletter]

I had a customer come into my place of employment and told me he married his wife, both age 18, after dating for THREE WEEKS and they've been married SIXTY ONE YEARS! I asked him if he was joking, and he told me in no way was he making this up.

 

My head almost blew up.

 

I don't believe there is a "sweet spot" for marriage. To me, marriage- and it's success- is about two people being completely honest with themselves and with each other. Understanding that this isn't always gonna be pretty. Knowing that when it hits the fan, you're gonna have to WORK to keep it together. People get so swept up in the notion of marriage that they don't think about the work that goes IN to that marriage. To me, that's what leads to divorce more than anything. Lack of preparation.

[sophie274]

I believe the decision to get married is personal, and that each person has to decide when he/she is ready.

However, we do have a lot of statistical data - and while people may swear up and down that they are different, the fact is, most of us are average. That's just how the average works. I personally believe that those big trends to apply to me, and so I think I would want to be very careful about getting married young, particularly if my intended and I had not been together long. To me, 25 is not a magic number: it's still very young to get married, IMO.

 

SayWhen, I posted this on your thread about moving in - as of May you were posting that you were still in love with your ex. You've been in a relationship for 5 months with your fiance. Yes, I think this is super fast. If this were a close friend of mine, or my sister, I would urge her to wait, for her own sake. If you've been in 4 serious relationships, one of which lasted 7 years, and are 22, you can hardly have been single at all since you were in your early teens. The time since I started dating that I've been single has been, at times, really difficult, but honestly invaluable. I'm working at a job right now that is forcing me to grow up in all sorts of new ways, and it's also shown me how much more growing up I have to do. And I thought I was pretty darn mature! I think you're young, I think it's very fast, and if you were a close friend of mine I would go pretty far to share my concerns with you. You have all the time in the world: at least take some of it.

 

I'm sure this sounds patronizing, but I don't mean it that way. I don't know you or your fiance, and certainly don't know better than you what to do, but I think you're being very impulsive and I hope you'll consider using some of the accumulated wisdom. There's a reason people are telling you to wait.

[lostnscared]

Okay, so courtesy of Sophie I've read all of your threads since April.

I'm going to be honest here. I am VERY confused. When I went back to the first thread you started in May (of 2010) this is what you said:

 

More depressed five months later...?

 

I don't often frequent this forum anymore, but I need some perspective. My ex broke up with me a little more than five months ago. We were together for nearly two years and lived together from six weeks of dating onward (I know, we moved fast...too fast). The break-up came as a shock to me since he seemed to be wanting to keep the relationship in tact...talking about "after we graduate" and acting very loving even the day he ended it. There were no signs that it was coming...which now all of my friends say means that he was interested in another woman. Who knows, since he was VERY cryptic about the reasons behind ending our relationship, and refuses to speak to me to this day. I am still in love with him, although I HATE admitting that fact, it's the truth. I tried dating two different men after our relationship was over, and I couldn't feel anything for them. Now, I have decided to stay single...but every moment of solitude gives me nothing but time to think of him. Therefore, I keep myself EXTREMELY busy...I am a full-time student, I work three jobs, and I volunteer at three different organizations. I rarely have free-time...because that is when the depression and the thoughts of him come to me. I am otherwise very well-functioning and people think I "took it so well" and am "so strong." I wish that is how I felt...but I don't. People say it takes twice the time of the relationship to get over the person who you once loved (or still love)...IDK, I need some advice. I'm sure some of you have been where I am. I am no longer looking to date anyone...I just want to be able to move on...I feel like I am regressing!

 

 

Then in June you admitted that you were diagnosed with BPD and MDD by a doctor and tried to contact your ex, but that it seemed as though he was angry with you.

 

It was at the end of June to which you stated you met your current bf--the man you are engaged to:

 

"I have found a new prospect, who really cares for me...but it kills me that my ex won't even associate with me. I think it's unfair to cut people out of one's life just because of the end of a relationship. I'd like to stay in contact. I guess it just isn't in the cards. "

...

 

HUGE red flag...

 

With that being said I don't think this marriage is a good idea. You guys have actually been together for less than a year, upon the time you are marrying, you got out of a bad relationship and only healed about 4 months ago, and really have only been dating this guy since July(according to YOUR posts)... So I caution you on making such a huge decision being the history of what has happened within the last 4-5 months. That and the length of time to which you have dated him(which could and could not be a concern I suppose).

 

Age is the lesser concern here.

 

I'm not trying to put you on the spot, but really trying to convey(and I know this is derailing the thread) that maybe this is a bit rushed? I def. agree with Sophie and with everything she said.

[90_hour_sleep]

well said. that's probably one of the most important things any of us can learn. i think it's an important thing to know...really know...before you sign on for something.

 

the fact that you know it would indicate to me that regardless of your age, you're ready for marriage.

 

all the best

[SayWhen]

This thread is not for me to defend myself. This thread is for the discussion of age at first marriage before/after 25. I am really tempted to respond on what has been brought up from the past, but I'm not going to. I doubt this thread will be brought back on topic...but please, in the future PM me if you are going to bring up something personal to my past postings on this forum.

[OptomisticGirl]

I cant judge you on the length of time between your break up and your current relationship because that would be the pot calling the kettle black.. my four year relationship ended last Nov. CS and I met in jan A-d started dating In Feb. So no throwing stones here.

 

However, when I went into our relationship, I was over my ex completely. The thought of him mare me angry. So, just be careful, thats all I'm saying. No judging and people have told me the same thing, I wish you all the best.

[lostnscared]

This thread is not for me to defend myself. This thread is for the discussion of age at first marriage before/after 25. I am really tempted to respond on what has been brought up from the past, but I'm not going to. I doubt this thread will be brought back on topic...but please, in the future PM me if you are going to bring up something personal to my past postings on this forum.

Understandable.

 

The only reason I truly brought up is because I wanted to point out that in your case, your age is not so much a factor in why it may not be a good idea to go through with this. Obviously your going to do it anyway. But if in the last relationship you had, and this one, you've moved in with each bf after 6 weeks of dating in both cases, then it's a pattern repeating. And now you guys have been dating for what 5 months and now your getting married...I def. think you should consider what Sophie said.

I think that she was spot on about being married under 25, as well as the fact that you should be a bit careful about rushing into this. And I say that with genuine concern from reading your threads... About your ex, amongst other things...

Obviously length and age don't matter as much, as readiness and maturity. But just be careful...

I've seen someone go down your road before and it didn't end well.

Again your going to do what you want to...

 

 

Ok, topic can go back to what it was originally about.

[SayWhen]

Thank you, OG. My FH knows everything about my past and about the struggles I personally went through which includes FAR more than I am willing to divulge on an online forum, but there is 100% honesty between myself and him (well I guess I can only say for myself, but he has been very open with me as well) and he is nothing but supportive. He actually wanted to date me earlier than when we started dating (my last relationship ended in very early December of last year) but I was too busy being rough on myself and making some bad decisions. He was even supportive through that time which is astounding to me. Never asked anything of me, was just there as a very good friend in the beginning. I've known him awhile longer than we've been together. My last relationship was extremely toxic, I won't go into too many details (though one detail I'm still dealing with is $30,000 debt that my ex put me in, and yes, my current partner knows about that as well and is actually helping me pay it off...wasn't my idea, he wants to do it) and let me just say I know the difference now between a loving, committed and unconditionally loving relationship, and a relationship that is nothing but being taken advantage of in exchange for affection. My current partner also knows about my BPD diagnosis and we go together to therapy, and he actually goes himself so that he can be best equipped to handle any emotions that may come of it. That's of his own free will...none of this is me pushing him into it, he's just always been this way with me, even before we were together.

 

I will tell you this is the healthiest relationship that I've ever been in or ever could be in, and I am very, very confident in that fact. I am not saying there are not challenges. I am not saying that this doesn't look insane from the outside. However, that confidence between us and our past experiences make up why we are deciding to marry. As of now, the plan is for April, but that could always change. No date later than Dec 2011 has been looked at.

 

I completely understand everyone's concern, and I appreciate it. I would act the same way towards someone in my position. However, let's please keep this on topic...if at all possible at this point.

[sophie274]

As far as I could tell, a large portion of this thread was about you and your specific case.

 

Anyway, why 25?

- neurologists and psychiatrists have determined that 25 is that age at which the brain is finally mature and we finally finish developing. Adults before 25 are not "fully-formed" adults - and the part that is still developing in the early twenties is the pre-frontal cortex which mediates impulse-control and judgment, highly relevant to marriage.

- by 25, people have had a chance to go to college and have a few years of professional work experience, live on their own, be financially independent

- by 25, people have also had a chance to be in several relationships

 

I think the difference between early and mid-late twenties is there: we know from developmental psych and research that the early twenties are very watershed years in terms of maturing, and I think people check a bunch of things off of the list of becoming a full-fledged adult in those early twenties. True financial independence, true "social" independence (living completely alone, no roommates), beginning a professional career, figuring out what they want to do in life, paying off debt, planning for the future, etc ...